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Godzilla to Xilians: "Nobody smacks my b*tch up but ME!!!"

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Spike Spiegel

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Jun 7, 2004
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(WARNING! SPOILERS AHOY!)



Picked this up at Wal-Mart yesterday for just $9.84... awesome, awesome, AWESOME movie. This being the final Godzilla movie (cue :rolleyes emoticon the size of Big G here), as well as the "50th Anniversary" celebration film, it goes without saying that I've been itching to see this one for quite some time now. So as soon as I got home from work, I grabbed the bag of pretzels, poured myself a carbonated beverage of choice, popped that shiny disc in, and sat myself down for two hours of unadulterated kaiju mayhem and Tokyo ass-stompery.

The first sight that greets my eager eyes is a trailer. Not just any trailer, mind you no... this was a trailer for Final Fantasy: Advent Children. Now this is probably old hat for a good 99.9% of GAF, but for a 56k-bound user like me, this was my first time seeing it and thus an unexpected treat. That said... halfway through the narration, I was reaching for the remote to skip ahead, but then Sephiroth's music kicked up and they had me again. Now all they need do is run that music through the WHOLE movie.

Anyway, back to the big green lizard.

Our movie opens on the South Pole, where from the looks of things Godzilla's putting the finishing touches on yet another EDF beatdown. Suddenly, bursting forth from the icy tundra comes *dramatic pause...* the ATRAGON (markout) battleship, cannons firing in a desperate and futile show of defiance. Godzilla shrugs it off, delivering a crippling blow with his atomic breath, and is about to finish off the stricken vessel when - darn the luck! - the glacier splits open beneath his feet. As Godzilla flails his way down the chasm, the opportunistic Atragon fires its missiles at a nearby mountain, entombing Big G in a coffin of ice forever (ha!).

After some admittedly awesome opening credits courtesy of Kyle Cooper (of Metal Gear Solid fame, omgwtfbbqtacticalespionageactionstarringgodzillaforthewin), we find ourselves again following the Atra- uh sorry, it's Gotengo here, this time at the bottom of the ocean where it's locked in a life-or-death struggle with Manda, the Chinese dragon/sea serpent thing. What captain would be so daring, so bold, so batsh*t insane, to risk his ship and crew to drop Manda into a lava vent, then execute a 180-degree turn underwater to blast the thing to bits? Here, the genius of Toho's casting decisions is revealed, as cast in this role is a man known for his grit and determination, his hard-nosed style of play, his enormous balls of steel, his inability to quit against insurmountable odds, his in-your-face, take no sh*t attitude; yes folks, it's none other than the beloved coach of the 1985 Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears, "Iron" Mike Ditka.



There's no time for Coach Ditka to celebrate this win, however, as his boss quickly appears on the big TV to chew his ass for being so reckless. But being the guy we all know and love, Mike tells that b*tch to shut her trap and gives the order to head home. In the next scene, we're introduced to our story's non-kaiju hero, High Hair, and his partner Angry Boy, as they beat the sh*t out of each other. High Hair and Angry Boy are part of a new race of mutants, gathered by the EDF to form their elite unit of shock troops called the M- Organization (M for "mutant," get it?). Unfortunately, this being a Japanese film, these mutants don't have claws or optic blasts; no, they're just a bunch of wire-fu/gunkata prodigies with snazzy, neo-fascist black uniforms. These two smack each other around for a while, but when High Hair gets the upper hand he hesitates, refusing to deliver the killing blow; Angry Boy, having no such reservations, counterattacks and starts choking the life out of High Hair. Lucky for him, their boss Snappy Dresser shows up to end their lover's quarrel (uh, make that "training session"), and tells High Hair to report to him later for new orders.

After a shower and fresh coat of gel, High Hair gets his new assignment; since his boss Coach Ditka is under arrest for slugging a superior at his court-martial, High Hair's orders are to guard a visiting UN biologist who's studying a recently unearthed kaiju mummy. For a mutant killing machine, High Hair proves to be surprisingly whiny, as he animatedly protests being assigned to bodyguard some old fart studying an even older fart. Naturally, this sets up the joke of said UN biologist standing right behind him, and her not being an old fart, but one of the super-sexy fashion model scientists I've heard so much about. This early in the film, and already at odds; do I hear wedding bells for these two? I think so...

At the UN lab, High Hair and Sexy Brain listen as a traditional scientist (y'know, the old fart type) prattles on about the giant mummy. Apparently, it's over 12,000 years old (uh oh) and from outer space (uh oh); on top of that, it's got something called M-Base in its DNA that's also present in mutants like High Hair (UH OH). Sexy Brain thinks this makes the alien kaiju his ancestor or something, but High Hair dismisses that as poppycock. Yeah, because it's totally a coincidence that this stuff's in your blood too, dude. That's never gonna come up again...

Next we're introduced to a new character - Sexy Reporter - as she sits on a stool and shows off her luscious legs. She has the honor and privilege of interviewing the UN's first Japanese Secretary General. I'll say this for the guy, he's a snappy dresser, decked out in his reflective silver suit and tie; a must for all future world leaders I'm assuming. The dude is positively beaming. But rather than press the Secretary General on his vague plans for the future of the UN, our ace reporter chooses instead to steer the topic towards how demanding his new travel schedule must be, and how much he misses his widdle doggy Clint. You'll get that Pulitzer in no time, girl.

Back at the lab, Sexy Brain has stumbled upon an old book (WHAAAAAAAAA?!?) with cave paintings of the kaiju mummy, now known as Gigan (!). Suddenly the book comes to life, and High Hair, Sexy Brain, and for some reason Old Fart are transported to the mysterious Infant Island (markout), where the twin faeries (markoutx2) deliver the usual warnings of impending doom at the hands of Gigan. Before sending the trio back to the lab, the faeries give High Hair some sage wisdom about choosing his own destiny and... a cross? OMG, you heard it here first folks! Mothra is the Insect Messiah! Praise her!!!

If you're anything like me, right about now you're starting to get a little antsy. Not to worry... here's where things pick up.

On his way to New York for the big UN conference, the Secretary General is reading (no doubt a book on doggies, aww) when his aide points out the window. They both look on in horror as a familiar shape blows by their jet, blasting it out of the sky. So long, dude. On the streets of NYC, a tragedy is unfolding; drunk stereotypical black guy watches on with glee as Huggy Bear pulls a hand-cannon on the white cop trying to tow his pimpmobile. It's a Mexican standoff (is it still Mexican if there's just two blacks and a white guy?) until drunk guy points up at the sky, their hats go flying off (with funny sound fx!), and they're blown off the street by wind gusts generated by the soaring form of... RODAN!

Yes folks, it's time to mark out to an all-out monster attack! As Rodan lays waste to New York City, Shanghai is beset by the bounding, rolling form of... ANGUIRAS! Okinawa is attacked by... KING CAESAR! Paris is plagued by... KAMACURAS! And Sydney is assaulted by... Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich! Okay, not really... just their CG abomination, ZILLA! But that's not all; some guy's trailer in the middle of nowhere, Arizona is destroyed by... KUMONGA! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you spiders - mental giants of the insect kingdom.

At this point in the movie, things take a turn for the surreal. I know, I know... what could be more absurd than giant monsters attacking the world? Well, how about a little boy and his bearskin-wearing grandpa discovering in the forests of Mt. Fuji, the terror known as... MINILLA (markoutx100)!!! I sh*t you not, folks... Godzilla's goofy looking offspring is back. Swear to god, I missed the next 5 minutes of the movie because I was doubled over in laughter. F*cked. Up.

Anyway, back to the story... With all of the EDF's battleships tied up dealing with kaiju elsewhere, Japan is inadequately prepared to deal with the arrival of... EBIRAH! Who can save Japan's precious petrochemical factories from total annihilation, sparing our world another energy shortage and massive price hikes in already costly gasoline? Who I ask, who?!? Would you believe... Snappy Dresser, and his squad of mutants? Yes folks; High Hair, Angry Boy, and three other mutants, armed only with rocket launchers, pulse rifles, and the best wire-fu stunts Toho can buy, proceed to take apart a 300-foot tall giant crayfish that gave the King of All Monsters a moderately difficult time back in 1966.

But before Angry Boy can put the crippled crustacean out of its misery (but not before delivering one of the most horrible punchlines in Godzilla movie history, and thus sparing us misery), the kaiju vanishes in a flash of light (uh oh). This same scene plays out all across the globe, as each attacking monster disappears in a blinding flash (uh oh). The source? UFOs of course (uh oh), which then rendezevous with the Epcot Center mothership hovering above the EDF headquarters (UH OH). As the EDF troops (and our protagonists) gather on the rooftop, a beam of light reveals... the UN Secretary General?!?

Yes, our sparkly leader is still alive, and he invites the EDF commanders onboard the mothership to meet his new alien friends, the Xilians. Onboard the ship, the alien leader Bald George Takei proclaims that the Earth is in terrible danger (no kidding!); not from an asteroid, or a comet, or an *snicker* alien invasion, but from a runaway PLANET that's on a collision course with our humble ball of mud. But with the Xilians help, and by concentrating all the Earth's weapons on one spot, we can avert catastrophe and save humanity. Riiiiiiight... Before the entire UN assembly, our beloved Secretary General proposes an alliance with the Xilians to save earth, and declares an end to the UN, renaming its successor -- the Space Nations! My, how original... well, the dumbf*cks in the audience sure seem to like it.

Pretty soon, the entire world has embraced the arrival of the Xilians, as demonstrated by their chants of "We love X" and crossed forearm gestures; I guess these folks have never seen a Godzilla movie before, or they'd know better. Still, there are skeptics, including our protagonists High Hair and Sexy Brain, and when Sexy Brain's sister - Sexy Reporter - shows up with videotape showing that the newly returned UN Secretary General doesn't blink, they just know something's up. As luck would have it, when they go to meet with the Secretary General, a crazy old man in a cape (!) stabs the poor guy in the arm, ruining his shiny suit and - lucky! - allowing Sexy Brain to get a sample of DNA.

One blood test later, and our plucky trio knows the UN's leader should be sprouting antenna, and as High Hair soon finds out, so are the EDF commanders that were beamed aboard the mothership. To make matters worse, as Old Fart soon shows them, the killer planet on a collision course with Earth is a phony too. It's all an elaborate hoax, but to what end (I wonder aloud, already knowing the answer)? And with the world's leaders being replaced by Xilians, to whom can they turn to with this crucial information? Is there anyone left in power? Who can they trust?

Who do you think? ;)



High Hair busts Coach Ditka out of confinement, and brings him back to the lab where Sexy Brain and Sexy Reporter are waiting. Misunderstanding the situation, that rascally Mike is ready for a little gang-bang action (thank god for Viagra, right coach?), but after High Hair explains their predicament, a crestfallen Ditka helps the group formulate a gameplan. Someday, Mike... someday.

Later, at the TV studio, Sexy Reporter has scored an exclusive interview with the UN Secretary General, Bald George Takei, and his temperamental protoge J-Pop Alien. Meanwhile, at EDF headquarters, Ditka and the gang team with Snappy Dresser, Angry Boy, and his squad of mutants to trap and kill the faux EDF commanders. Back at the studio, Sexy Reporter has set a trap of her own, tricking the Secretary General into calling her dog his own. Right on cue, Coach Ditka busts through the door with High Hair and Sexy Brain in tow, lugging a fake dead alien corpse on his shoulder and tossing it on the ground before putting a bullet in the fake Secretary General. Fake Secretary General coughs up some blood before his head splits open, revealing his chewy, caramel-y alien center to the world.

Flustered, Bald George Takei starts to explain their reasons for this ruse, but - tired of playing second fiddle to the guy who played Sulu, no doubt - his protoge J-Pop Alien pulls a laser gun and shoots him in the head. Now the extraterrestrial in charge, J-Pop Alien teleports in his goon squad and reveals the Xilian's plan; the humans are... FOOD! Now who didn't see that coming? Unfazed, Ditka calls in his all-star lineup of mutant troopers, led by Snappy Dresser, but when J-Pop Alien starts flashing gang hand-signals the mutants all freak out and start convulsing... all except (surprise surprise) High Hair, who attacks J-Pop and promptly gets his ass kicked. Amused no longer by the room full of screaming extras, J-Pop Alien heads back to the mothership, leaving Ditka, Snappy, the Sexy's, and High Hair facing dozens of shuffling mutant zombies. Sensing his only chance at a memorable moment in this film has arrived, Snappy Dresser volunteers to hold off the zombie mutants so that the others can escape. With one last look back, High Hair shuts the door on Snappy Dresser, who manages to hold his own for a while before being overwhelmed. Hunh. Maybe being a mutant isn't all it's cracked up to be...

Commandeering a SWAT van, our escaping heroes hit the highway, where they're confronted by a dirtbike-riding Angry Boy, who jumps over their van and shoots out their tires in mid-air. You all know what's coming next... oh yes. Bursting forth from the back of the van is High Hair, riding a streetbike and glaring at Angry Boy. After a face-quivering staredown, these two once-allies engage in a high-speed, Matrix-style motorcycle battle through the uncharacteristically barren streets of Tokyo. Once Angry Boy loses his bike, it's pretty much over, and High Hair finishes the fight with a kick using the back-end of his cycle.

Onboard the mothership, J-Pop Alien awakens the sleeping Gigan (whom I must say, got a totally BADASS revamp for this film), releases all of the captured kaiju, and sends out an armada of spacefighters to attack Earth's cities and seize control. You know, maybe it's just me, but if I'm going to be using the human race as a food supply, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaybe I'd think twice about killing so many of them by unleashing such an unpredictable, destructive force. I'm just saying. Anyway, with such overwhelming odds against them, the EDF battleships are quickly dispatched by the kaiju/spacefighter combo. Oh, and lest we forget them or think their earlier appearance was just a fluke, here we get yet another scene featuring Gramps, Little Boy, and Minilla as they watch the horrors unfold.

Back in Tokyo, we find Mike Ditka, High Hair (dragging the injured Angry Boy with) and the gang in an underground EDF hangar, where the newly repaired Gotengo is manned and ready for battle. In the battleship's war room, "Iron" Mike reveals his victory gameplan - the Gotengo will head for the South Pole and free Godzilla, in the hopes that the reawakened (and suitably pissed off) kaiju will prove a match for the invading aliens. And because (as Sexy Brain explains for our convenience) Godzilla has no M-base in his DNA, the Xilians can't control him. It's win/win! When asked what happens once the Xilians are destroyed and Godzilla's the one tearing up the planet, the ballsy Ditka boasts he'll just capture him again; you see, the young spaz who fired the missiles that trapped Godzilla in the ice all those years ago was our own lovable coach! Who'd a thunk it?

Before departing in the Gotengo, our gang says goodbye to Sexy Reporter, who apparently has to stay behind to tell their story to future generations (or get killed, I forget which is the better reason). As a parting gift, Coach Ditka gives her a cheap-looking camera; I guess cameras are the gift of choice in the future, as Sexy Reporter looks ready to tear her clothes off right then and there. Mike beams back a smile and a wink, no doubt comforted by the almost-assured nookie he'll receive upon his return. Way to go, coach! Get some! To further add to the innuendo, the enormous drill head of the Gotengo begins turning, and the long, hard cylindrical battleship blasts off through the parting doors and into the sky. Watching the Gotengo's departure on CCTV, J-Pop Alien orders Gigan to pursue.

At the South Pole, a homosexual couple at the Godzilla observation post receives the Gotengo's message, and opens the dome covering the icy tomb of Godzilla. And just in time too, because Gigan shows up and disables the Gotengo's engines with his chest saw. The Gotengo fires its missiles, which soar past Gigan to impact the ice covering Godzilla's tomb. Did it work? Is Godzilla free? If that beam of blue energy that strikes Gigan is any indication, then...

He's back, baby! Godzilla is back! And boy oh boy is he PISSED!!! :lol

Just how pissed, you ask? Well, try this on for size: instead of pressing the attack on Gigan, or lighting up the downed Gotengo, Godzilla turns... and fries the gay couple to a crisp! Not only does God hate homosexuals, but apparently Godzilla does too!** Gigan seizes on Big G's distraction to blast him with his death rays, then ensnares Godzilla with his grappling hook weapons and starts dragging him towards his spinning Chest Blade of Doom™. I guess Gigan forgot about that whole "atomic breath" thing, because Godzilla sparks up and blasts that fool's head clean off! Can you say "PWNED"? I knew you could! Back on the mothership, J-Pop Alien starts a hissy-fit over Gigan's demise, then does some more gang hand-signals to call forth some object in space to deal with our scaly hero. I wonder what this could be...

His enemy now headless, Godzilla turns his anger towards the Gotengo, which has had just enough time to effect repairs and liftoff (my, how convenient). Back in the air, the Gotengo heads for the mothership, with Godzilla in hot pursuit. Witness now, the towering intellect, the strategic genius of legendary Bears coach Mike Ditka, as his gameplan is now fully revealed. Using Godzilla as the mother of all offensive linemen, Coach Ditka intends to smash through the opposing team's defense; with the scaly behemoth providing some monumental blocks, their ball carrier Gotengo can rack up some major yardage and rush all the way to the endzone for the winning touchdown. Is it any wonder this man was the dominant coaching mind of the 1980s in the NFL?

After touching base with Minilla and his human pals, we watch as Coach Ditka puts his plan into action, starting in Australia. Godzilla wastes no time in putting that American imposter to rest permanently, as Zilla goes down with a tailswipe and an atomic blast that sets both he and the Sydney Opera House aflame. Similar scenes play out all across the globe, as at each stop the J-Pop Alien sets up the pins only to have Godzilla knock 'em down in record time. Kumonga? Tossed into the horizon. Kamacuras? Impaled on an electric tower. And when J-Pop Alien sets not one, not two, but THREE kaiju - Rodan, King Caesar, and Anguiras - against Big G, well... let's just say the results aren't any better. Godzilla schools those fools like, um, a schoolteacher... with a class full of fools. Okay, so I suck at trash-talk; what do you expect?. But this fight scene features one of the films most absurd moments, where
King Caesar does a flying soccer kick on the rolling Anguiras, and Godzilla executes a goalie's diving save to try and "block" Caesar's kick.
Now, if that's not worth the price of admission, I don't know what is.

In between all of this, we get a couple more scenes to advance the plot. Minilla, Gramps, and Little Boy show up again, and Gramps explains why Godzilla is so damn pissed off at us puny humans. Sexy Brain and High Hair share a tender moment together, in which High Hair gives Sexy the cross that the faeries told him to hang on to (UH OH), to let us know their relationship has progressed past the "off on the wrong foot" stage. And after witnessing Godzilla's ass-stomping of the KC/Rodan/Anguiras trio, an elated Minilla blows an atomic smoke-ring, which suddenly causes him to change...

With all the kaiju cleared away, the Gotengo now has a (relatively) clear shot at the Xilian mothership. But when they try and blast a hole in the thing with their drill laser... nothing! A protective shield prevents their assault. I believe that means it's time for someone to die a heroic death... Yes folks, the now remorseful Angry Boy is back, and after launching his stolen fighter from Gotengo he does his best to emulate Lando Calrissian's fabled Death Star run. His fighter going down in flames, Angry Boy kamikazes into the mothership's shield generator, giving the Gotengo the opportunity it needs to plunge its mighty drill into the soft, yielding flesh of the Xilian mothership. But before the Gotengo can shoot its load inside, J-Pop Alien's equally trendy goons beam aboard and take the ship's crew hostage. J-Pop orders them to kill the extras, then bring Coach Ditka, High Hair and the rest to his chamber so he can gloat in proper villain fashion.

Because now's as good a time as any, the Infant Island faeries show up here to call forth Mothra to save what's left of the Earth. 'Bout time, you pint-sized b*tches. Godzilla, meanwhile, has now racked up 9 KO's, having just put the finishing touches on a Hedorah/Ebirah roast. Get with the program, you pollen-loving bug-eyed freak, you're lagging behind! But, as J-Pop Alien and his captives watch on, things are about to heat up; that glowing space object is nearly here, and it's about to land on Big G's scaly head. Sensing the approaching danger, Godzilla plants himself firmly, then lets loose with the mother of all atomic blasts, one that reaches far into space to strike the approaching object. But it's still not enough, as the object continues on its course, striking what's left of Tokyo and letting loose a MASSIVE blast that leaves Godzilla standing in an enormous crater! Kick ass!

As Godzilla slowly turns, the object comes to rest behind him, now fully revealed as the all-new... MONSTER X! It's big. It's bad. It totally looks like a Zoanoid, straight out of Guyver (Yoshiki Takaya should sue). And it's got one thing on its mind - Godzilla's destruction! It's all out mayhem as the two titans trade blows, and before long it appears that Godzilla may indeed have met his match. Ever the master of punctuality, Mothra appears to lend a hand- er, wing to Godzilla. But J-Pop Alien's got a surprise for Mothra: the all-new, improved Gigan 2.0... with chainsaw hands. CHAINSAW HANDS, PEOPLE!

Things aren't looking too good for our kaiju heroes, as Godzilla has his hands full with Monster X, and Mothra's wind attacks and fairy dust aren't having much of an effect on Gigan. And they're not looking too good for the humans, either, as J-Pop Alien is now confident enough to divert his attention away from the battle and towards his captives. Here, he reveals that mutants are indeed related to the Xilians, and that High Hair couldn't be controlled because like J-Pop Alien, he is the one-in-a-million "Keizer," a special being with powers beyond those of mortal men and Xilian (again, how convenient). And now using his own super-duper special powers, J-Pop blasts High Hair to awaken the sleeping Keizer within him. Now a fully-awakened Keizer, High Hair attacks his human comrades, even going so far as to pull a Sprewell on our beloved Coach Ditka! The audacity! But worry not, dear viewers, as Sexy Brain has the key to saving Mike. How, you ask? Does she reason with High Hair? Confess her love for him, perhaps? No... she stabs him with the faeries' cross, bringing him out of his mutant zombie trance.

Godzilla, meanwhile, finds himself in a real pickle. Mothra's down, and Gigan and Monster X are double-teaming our scaly hero to great success. But don't count the monster from Infant Island out just yet, as Mothra picks herself up off the ground and makes it an even match once again. As Godzilla and Monster X beat each other down once more, Gigan and Mothra begin their second round. Gigan launches a pair of spinning sawblades from his nipples, which Mothra easily avoids... setting herself up for the mega-blast attack Gigan fires next. His opponent up in flames, Gigan turns his back on his fallen foe and strikes a pose... only to have the spinning sawblades return to their master, lopping off his head; as the final insult, the fiery Mothra kamikazes into Gigan's body, blasting it into pieces. Maybe next time, instead of giving him chainsaw hands, the Xilians will improve upon Gigan 3.0 by adding, oh I don't know, A BRAIN PERHAPS?!? Sheesh.

None too pleased that his newest toy has gone all soft and human again, J-Pop Alien orders his goons to kill High Hair and the gang. But High Hair proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the Asian Keanu Reeves, as he flexes his Neo powers to stop their laser blasts in midair and send them back at J-Pop's goons. And you know what that means; it's time for J-Pop and High Hair to throw down mano-a-mano, kung fu Matrix style! Meanwhile, Godzilla and Monster X are still going at it, and when Godzilla goes for an atomic finisher X pushes him away, sending Big G's beam towards the mothership and (how convenient) knocking everyone off their feet. Never one to miss an opportunity, Coach Ditka gives the order and the gang revolts against their captors. But not even a Super Bowl -winning coach is a match for the Xilian goons, until in a true "WHAT THE FUCK" moment, the humans are saved by... the UN Secretary General, and the EDF commanders? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!? It seems the Xilians kept them alive, even though they had no reason to, and they escaped, found blasters, and came to the rescue.

... o_O

With the gang reunited, our heroes head back to the Gotengo battling aliens all the way, with Coach Ditka following close behind after dealing with the rest of J-Pop's goons singlehandedly. High Hair, meanwhile, stays behind to finish his battle to the death with J-Pop. For most of their tussle, he's getting his ass kicked good and plenty, but after coughing up some blood and receiving some words of inspiration from J-Pop himself, High Hair finds his second wind, gets his glow on, and finds the strength to pound the crap out of his Keizer rival. Sputtering up equal amounts of blood and disbelief, J-Pop plays his trump card; he's going down with the ship, and taking High Hair with him. With the mothership exploding all around him, High Hair makes it back to Gotengo just in time for liftoff, with nary a second to spare. Whew! For a minute there I thought he wouldn't make it...

Now that the kaiju and human undercards have been decided, it's time to get back to the main event. Without Gigan to stab him in the back or Mothra to get in the way, Godzilla's pretty much been pwning Monster X all this time, with X flat on his back while Big G rains blows down on him from above. Who knew that Big G had such a good ground game? Sign him up, PRIDE! With the mothership gone, Monster X and Godzilla square off with dueling energy blasts, and the ensuing explosion knocks both kaiju off their feet and leaves yet another smoking crater in the Tokyo rubble. As the exhausted kaiju struggle to their feet, Godzilla watches on in disbelief as Monster X begins to transform... You can almost hear Godzilla say, "Aww Hell Naw," as in arguably his best reveal to date Monster X becomes... Monster 0, aka KING GHIDORAH!

Not wasting any time, Godzilla unleashes his atomic breath, but King Ghidorah counters and overpowers Big G with his own triple-beam attack, knocking the King of All Monsters off his feet. Not above kicking an enemy when he's down, Ghidorah unleashes wave after wave of beam attacks pummeling Godzilla into the rubble. Finally, lifting Godzilla's weak, motionless form from the ground like a ragdoll, Ghidorah sinks his fangs into his opponent's flesh and begins to drain away Godzilla's life energy, increasing his own power. Is this the end of Godzilla? Who will save the Earth now?

Watching this calamity unfold from the Gotengo, High Hair senses yet another moment to steal the spotlight. Hopping into the weapons chair, and focusing his Keizer energy DBZ style, he fires up the battleship's Vector Cannon (hello ZoE2!), and fires its enormous energy at Godzilla, supercharging our scaly hero! Hurrah! Revived, repowered, and ROYALLY pissed off, Godzilla breaks free of Ghidorah's grip, blasting off a couple of heads for good measure. His rage still unchecked, Godzilla starts tossing Ghidorah around, first by his one good neck, then by his tail, before tossing him into the sky and... are you ready for this? ...executing A SPIN MOVE into the mother of all RED ATOMIC BLASTS that propels Ghidorah's corpse into the stratosphere to explode above the Earth in space! PWNED!!!1111one111!!

After bellowing a roar of victory, Godzilla turns and sees the Gotengo. What does he do? Does he thank the humans for their timely save? Does he ignore them and head out to sea? Come on, you know Big G better than that! He blasts those fools, sending Gotengo crashing to the ground amidst the Tokyo ruins. Defiant to the end, Coach Ditka takes up his samurai sword (...did I forget to mention the sword?) and heads off to face Godzilla, followed by the High Hair, Sexy Brain, UN Secretary General, and the rest. I guess the best they can hope for now is to give Godzilla a wicked case of indegestion he won't soon forget. Things are looking pretty bleak until...

OH CRAP IT'S MINILLA AGAIN! @_@

You can almost hear Godzilla groan in embarassment as Minilla, now at least 50 feet tall, comes bounding up to stand between Godzilla and the humans, followed by Gramps and Little Boy. When Godzilla roars, the humans raise their weapons, but Little Boy steps in front of them. Watching Little Boy's actions, Minilla now mimicks them, holding up his arms in defiance of his father. Moved by his son's actions, or just too ashamed to stick around any longer (your call), Godzilla turns away and stomps off to the sea, followed by Minilla, who as a parting gift to his human friends show off his newfound ability to breath not just rings, but full-fledged atomic blasts just like dear old Dad. Wonderful news. As the others watch the father/son kaiju depart, something else catches Coach Ditka's eye: the sudden arrival of Sexy Reporter and her ugly little dog. Mike trots off to meet her, no doubt thinking of the sweet, sweet 'tang he'll be shortly enjoying. Oh Mike, you devil you...

And as High Hair and Sexy Brain stare into each other's eyes, and Coach Ditka and Sexy Reporter get down to business, the sun finally sets on your average day in Tokyo. Out to sea already, Godzilla paddles along for a destination unknown, Minilla following close behind in his wake, as they both head off into the sunset. And at last, one final turn, one final glance at the camera, and one final roar from Godzilla.

Best Godzilla movie of the modern age? Best Godzilla movie ever?!? Damn near close, I reckon.

...





**This remark was made in keeping with the humorous tone of this review/summary, and was not intended to be offensive in any way. It does not reflect the author's own views on homosexuality, nor does the author profess to speak for God or Godzilla, whose views on homosexuality are not fully known to the author but I'm sure are both cool about the whole thing. Godzilla, in fact, has many gay friends, and was even best man at the wedding of Jet Jaguar and his life-partner, Baragon.
 

Duck of Death

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Jun 7, 2004
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Mike Ditka wielding a samurai sword and snapping some evil chick's neck > JUST ABOUT ANYTHING

I loved Final Wars. :lol
 

Snaku

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Sep 15, 2005
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Wow, so much time spent on such a sloppy dissapointing film. It was an un-holy mess even by Ryuhei Kitamura standards. What was really dissapointing is that 75% of the film is bad mutant/alien wire-fu. For a film that was supposed to celebrate Godzilla's 50th anniversary, it sure wasn't that focused on Godzilla, who ended up being nothing more than a crappy plot device. Sure, the film did have its moments. Kazuki Kitamura was a fantastic over the top villain. Don Frye (known as Mike Ditka around here I guess) was hilariously dead pan throughout the film, and his fist fight with Tak Sakaguchi owned. And Godzilla's characterization was spot on, and just the way I like it.



Oh, and the soundtrack couldn't have been more god awful. It's the stuff of legend.
 
Jun 8, 2004
3,837
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Australia
Shows how much the Japanese hate the American Godzilla. The CG was aweful and he got wasted in a matter of seconds :lol

Was pretty disapointed in the film. With Godzilla 1985 and Godzilla Vs Biolantee still being the favs.

What happened to the Super X? Loved when it went against godzilla only to lose in the previous films :D
 

Snaku

Banned
Sep 15, 2005
25,781
0
0
Rabid Wolverine said:
What happened to the Super X?

Only ever appeared in the Heisei series, and in three different forms (X, X-II, X-III). GFW doesn't hold continuity with any previous Goji series (Showa, Heisei, or Millennium), but is Kitamura's supposed homage to the 70's Showa films (his favorite being Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla).
 

tuco11

Member
Jun 16, 2004
938
134
1,485
Final Wars sucks ass as a 50th anniversary film. I'll take GMK over it any day of the week, even though the King GhidoraH suit in GMK blows.
 
Sep 10, 2004
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I have no idea how people cannot love this movie. It's so awesomely bad, so hilariously cheesy and fun, that you have to be seriously miserable and jaded to not get a huge kick out of it.
 

Spike Spiegel

Member
Jun 7, 2004
13,018
0
0
The short version, for Togo and Thai:

It's the future. Godzilla's trapped in an iceberg. The Earth Defense Force fights kaiju using flying battleships and mutants with ridiculously coiffed hair. Mike Ditka captains the ultra-powerful Atragon spaceship. High Hair and Sexy Brain are at each others' throats. Scientists uncover a kaiju mummy with DNA identical to the mutants. Giant monsters suddenly appear all over the globe and attack everyone. Xilians come to humanity's aid and zap the monsters. Our heroes see through the aliens' ploy and free Coach Ditka from prison. Xilians are exposed on global TV as being evil by Sexy Reporter. J-Pop Alien kills Bald George Takei and mind controls the mutants to do his bidding. J-Pop Alien then unleashes Gigan and the other kaiju to destroy the Earth. Coach Ditka uses the Atragon to free Godzilla from his icy prison to fight the monsters. Godzilla stomps a mudhole in every monster in his path to the Xilian mothership. Ditka's team is captured by the Xilians and brought to J-Pop Alien. J-Pop Alien unleashes Monster X on Godzilla and Gigan on Mothra. High Hair and J-Pop Alien fight Matrix -style while Ditka leads the others to safety. Mothra takes out Gigan but dies in the process. High Hair beats J-Pop Alien and escapes the exploding mothership. Monster X transforms into King Ghidorah and starts thrashing Godzilla. High Hair uses his new Matrix powers to supercharge Godzilla. Godzilla executes a cool spin move and blasts King Ghidorah into pieces. Godzilla attacks the Atragon. Minilla shows up outta nowhere and stops Godzilla from frying the humans. Coach Ditka gets him some Asian poontang while Godzilla and Minilla ride off into the sunset. The End.

See? That's not nearly as funny. :(
 

Shazapp

Member
Jun 8, 2004
410
0
1,380
Cleveland, OH
Don Frye > Mike Ditka

That said, Final Wars was goofy and fun...but in no way a "classic" Godzilla movie. Of the Millennium series, GMK is still the best and most kick-ass.
 

mosaic

go eat paint
Jun 11, 2004
4,161
0
0
I'm not even reading all that... it's bad enough I too lost 2+ hours to Final Wars over the holidays.

Final Wars is shit. Worst Godzilla movie in recent memory.

Don Frye's performance was the only redeeming factor in a movie that....

... had more people fighting than monsters

... was edited together like a music video produced by a high school class

... re-cycled way too damn much stock footage from past 'zilla movies

... integrated the plot from The Matrix into Destroy All Monsters (to no good end)

... had the weakest final battle scene of any of the recent 'zilla movies (except 1998)

... had mother-fracking Minilla (aka Minla, aka Godzuki, aka Son of Godzilla) in it

I chuckled when Godzilla beat the hell out of the American Godzilla (from the 1998 movie), and it was all downhill from there. Like a rollercoaster attached to a rocket ship going down a hill.

The special effects weren't even all that good either. So much for the $18 Million budget.

$10 was too much to pay for this DVD. I felt mentally raped after watching it.

Thank God I had Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack sitting on the shelf. Popped that in right after and wiped away all the bad feelings.
 

BioFan

Member
Jun 8, 2004
1,121
2
1,440
www.framecityunderground.com
I just watched this movie yesterday...lol
this movie is so bad...mutants, aliens?
If only there's more of the Godzilla fight scenes and less of the human corny scenes...then I would like it a lot more.

I still kinda enjoyed it but I was expecting more from a movie that celebrates Godzilla's 50th anniversary.
 

Cosmic Bus

pristine morning snow
Jun 20, 2004
14,001
0
1,490
43
Seattle
www.last.fm
Cheesey, kitch, corny, whatever. Final Wars is complete trash, and an utterly embarassing way to leave the series. The endless homages (spoofs, more like it) of famous sci-fi and action scenes are fucking terrible, too.

On the plus side, my 2-disc copy of the original Godzilla with both the Japanese and US cuts just arrived today. After G:FW, it's like mouthwash for my DVD player.
 

Flynn

Member
Jun 7, 2004
15,015
2
0
My favorite part is when Godzilla uses one of Ghidorah's heads to blast through the other heads' neck. Good monster-fu.

Could have done without SO much of the human action, but the Ditka looking guy and those two Samoan dudes were funny enough to make it watchable.
 

Ned Flanders

Banned
Jun 12, 2004
2,798
0
0
Is Don Frye really in this movie, because I will fucking SHIT MYSELF if so!! Going to Wal-Mart tonight!!
 
Jun 7, 2004
4,924
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:lol Not only is Don Frye in the movie, he carries a samurai sword for no real reason!

Final Wars focused on the humans too damn much, and had the worst music of ANY Godzilla movie (the credits theme -- UGH), but the movie still fucking owns.

Mutant fighting Eibrah: "Sorry, I'm a vegetarian!"
 

Spike Spiegel

Member
Jun 7, 2004
13,018
0
0
Prince of Space said:
Mutant fighting Eibrah: "Sorry, I'm a vegetarian!"
Yeah, how horrible was that line?

Much better if he'd said something like, "Sorry, I'm allergic to shellfish!"
 

Pachinko

Member
Jun 8, 2004
7,291
1
0
canada
OB1 said:
I have no idea how people cannot love this movie. It's so awesomely bad, so hilariously cheesy and fun, that you have to be seriously miserable and jaded to not get a huge kick out of it.


My sentiments exactly. Fine bitch about the lack of alot of godzilla fighting, but to call this any worse for the wear then every other godzilla flick is like saying your turd is better then someone elses becuase it has more corn chunks. I mean it's godzilla for godsakes, mixed with a balls out Sentai flick.
 

Ned Flanders

Banned
Jun 12, 2004
2,798
0
0
Alright, just copped it! Bout to fry up some corn dogs and snuggle up on the couch for some major Don Frye the Samurai asskicking!! This is really on the shortlist of greatest moments in my life, and it hasn't even happened yet! Don Frye + Godzilla?? How am I supposed to top that?

My life = complete
 
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