Helping someone who's going through depression

[Relix]

Alright, so I am in a pinch. This is about my girlfriend, which I've made a thread before regarding a situation we had but thankfully we got over it and have been fantastic ever since. This girl has had a horrible love life, she lives with her grandparents as she was in the midst of a custody battle with her parents, and is extremely anxious and prone to sever depression. The depression has grown deeper this year as she failed her CPA test. This sent her into a pretty bad depression that she got over when we were starting our relationship, and after much bugging from my part decided to go for a Master's. Sadly, she missed her GMAT minimum score for the school she applied and this broke her... like badly badly broke her. She has gone into a full on depression that I have no idea how to deal with. I manned up and told her to use me as a support until she got over it, and for the past 2 days I've been really trying to cheer her up to no avail. Last night I made a mistake with a comment as I was honestly frustrated with her depression (I have no idea how to deal with this, I've never gone through this and I am the really optimistic guy always). Well, this hurt her and today she has gone even deeper into her own self-state, telling me she doesn't know how this will be fixed or how she can feel again with me. I was livid, but managed to hold back my anger and try to get around this but failed. I stopped the call as I was very close to ending this relationship.

I want to help her, I have no idea how. I've never been in this situation and I am so amazingly frustrated. She's a fantastic woman! I truly love her! But this, this may be too much. She's too broken for me and this depression is something I have no idea how to handle. Add to this that we are supposed to go on a trip to Orlando next week (Halloween Horror Night and all that stuff) which can't be put off as several friends are counting on me as I did the booking of everything. How GAF, how the hell can I help her? How can I help someone with a depression so deep she doesn't believe professional help can help since she "knows what they'll tell her"? Do I just break this off?

*frustration raging*

EDIT: GOOD UPDATE http://neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=180305686&postcount=33

 

[FUME5]

1) Calm down, you're going to need a lot of strength and patience.

2) She needs professional help (ironic coming from me as when I was diagnosed with depression I told the psych to go fuck themselves) or a shitload of time and mental fortitude. I can't advise you on how best to approach this with her as I don't know the woman.

3) Quit trying to 'cheer her up', that's not how it works, and it will only worsen things between you.

4) Good luck mate.

 

[GrotesqueBeauty]

She'll probably take it as an insult, but therapy. Couples therapy maybe, but it would probably be good for her to have someone outside of her personal relationships she could be open with, and someone who has the professional training to help her sort through her past and provide some tools to manage her condition.

There is no silver bullet for dealing with trauma unfortunately. How long you decide to stick around and participate is your choice. If the issues seem insurmountable don't feel responsible if you have to separate for your own well being. Sounds like you've already been making a sustained effort to no avail. Good luck, I just broke up with my GF because of her perpetual morbidity. I have compassion for her, but I couldn't wade through someone else's emotional quagmire with them without it seriously affecting my ability to operate. I still love her, but you can't shoulder someone else's burden full time if they're not committed to progressing in some tangible way.

 

[zeemumu]

Don't try to force her to be happy. Not only will you fail, you'll make her feel worse because you're failing.

 

[akira28]

I think you're too "busy" to be of any real help. she needs to be healed dude, she isn't broken, she's just ill. And while she definitely needs help, you probably need to learn how to deal with people who suffer from depression before you legit make things worse.

go read a book. hell, start with a website. Fuck, Gaf has a thread.

she needs some talk time with a therapist who can get her to vocalize and separate from the issues and etc etc etc. Don't be surprised if she's not up for Holloween Horror whatever if some other especially if you're making her feel like shit for being depressed.

What a guy.

 

[justjustin]

In my experience there's nothing you can directly do to help someone with depression, and that's okay. Just understand that person has a different temperament now, and can't think about or react to things the way she used to.

The best you can do is be supportive in a way that does not keep reminding her she's different than she used to be. She knows, it's probably on her mind all the time, and I'll bet she's trying to keep herself intact. Just be yourself around her, and be ready to adapt to her new emotions and needs.

(unless she becomes abusive to herself or you, then of course none of this really applies)

 

[lem0n]

1) Calm down, you're going to need a lot of strength and patience.

2) She needs professional help (ironic coming from me as when I was diagnosed with depression I told the psych to go fuck themselves) or a shitload of time and mental fortitude. I can't advise you on how best to approach this with her as I don't know the woman.

3) Quit trying to 'cheer her up', that's not how it works, and it will only worsen things between you.

4) Good luck mate.

Basically.

It's not a mood thing they need to break out of. If it's severe enough, they need actual help from a medical professional. My mom has had depression all my life and how I deal with it is just be there for her. Don't try to make things better, don't make jokes, don't do anything out of the ordinary. She will likely just like your company and support through the hard times without making a big deal. Sort of along the same lines of not sterilizing someone's surroundings when they have cancer, because it can remind them they have it. Just leave things be, be there for her, and be positive.

Medication may be necessary but that's not for me to say.

 

[ThankYouDaletech]

If you can't handle it you shouldn't stick around and grow more resentful and angry, it will make everything much worse.

Don't feed her any platitudes about "cheering up" or whatever. The worst part about depression is how it affects your self-image. Things outside of your control become personal failures, people trying to give you well-meaning advice become people pointing out your flaws and failures. Therapy, be supportive, pick your battles.

 

[Vulcano's assistant]

Distractions that stop one from rumination help. Not trying to cheer one up, but keeping their mind busy to avoid thinking about themselves.

 

[John Kowalski]

Lots of patience. Like jesus amounts of patience. An strength, so you're not consumed by it yourself. Don't be surprised if she doesn't want to speak to you specifically about her depression.

 

[Rushersauce]

1) Calm down, you're going to need a lot of strength and patience.

2) She needs professional help (ironic coming from me as when I was diagnosed with depression I told the psych to go fuck themselves) or a shitload of time and mental fortitude. I can't advise you on how best to approach this with her as I don't know the woman.

3) Quit trying to 'cheer her up', that's not how it works, and it will only worsen things between you.

4) Good luck mate.

This. I'm dealing with depression. Hell, I've dealt with it all my life. So I know what's up.

 

[Relix]

Thanks for the replies guys. I've been being wrong about this I see. =/

 

[ThankYouDaletech]

Thanks for the replies guys. I've been being wrong about this I see. =/

Don't kick yourself too hard most people usually are.

 

[Relix]

Don't kick yourself too hard most people usually are.

I'll see if I can get her to talk to me. I will write a big ass letter and give it to her. I now see where I've been wrong. this thing, depression, is so damn complex. I've never dealt with this. She's a strong woman, so seeing her like this is pretty shocking.

 

[NervousXtian]

Just remember, there's no reason to damage yourself for this person if you don't have a really strong connection.

I don't want to sound like an ass, but as I've grown older I've decided life's to short to be around someone who is always down and wants to take you down with them.

 

[Badosh]

1) Calm down, you're going to need a lot of strength and patience.

2) She needs professional help (ironic coming from me as when I was diagnosed with depression I told the psych to go fuck themselves) or a shitload of time and mental fortitude. I can't advise you on how best to approach this with her as I don't know the woman.

3) Quit trying to 'cheer her up', that's not how it works, and it will only worsen things between you.

4) Good luck mate.

This post nails it.

Especially number 3, that would drive me crazy (as someone with depression and anxiety).

 

[family_guy]

Send her on a vacation by herself.

 

[M52B28]

Send her on a vacation by herself.

I wouldn't do that. Considering her state, you don't know when it'll go south and she will try to harm herself.

 

[Relix]

Had a long lenghty talk. She sees no hope, nothing to move forward with life. Its as if all her goals were gone. She lost the appetite to eat, feels numb to feelings, etc. In fact she hinted a break up was inevitable in a few weeks as I wouldn't be able to resist her being down so much and being dragged.

Is there any way to help her with this? A woman that after several consecutive failures sees nothing ahead?

 

[Seraph_Nicholas]

Get her to trust your vision. Tell her what you see ahead. Stress that she is SICK, and sickness will lower her potential. Make getting well a goal, so she can get back on track with her life.

I know how you feel. I ended a relationship because she depended on me to function, and made no progress towards standing on her own over the course of a year.

 

[Tomita]

It's hard because different things help other people. If you haven't already, I would recommend you read lots of things about depression and other similar mental health issues like anxiety.

The key thing is to be there for her. Not necessarily "do things" with her (activities like movies) or "cheer her up", but just a supportive shoulder, if you will. Emphasize that she can talk if she wants, stuff like that. Distractions are excellent, but since people vary, it depends on what works for her and such. It might help too, if you haven't already, look at those big failures that are eating away at her and tell her how those things are legitmentaly difficult, and it's not her fault she failed. She's not "stupid" or "useless", she's good/talented at A or B, there are other chances at taking and passing those exams, there are places she can go to ask for help (I'm guessing it's a university sort of thing? Like certificates?)... Again, if you haven't done that already. Because sometimes hearing the same thing over and over is just frustrating for someone in this situation. Again, everyone's different...

Depression makes you feel alone, so just let her know she's not alone, both with her problems (not general "everyone has problems" but "man, that subject is really hard! Maybe find other people in your field, you can see they struggle too and get help from others!"), and physically. With Calculas, I had a depressive episode about failing and being "so stupid", but then I met with some people in my class, and the fact we kind of "struggled together" and helped each other out really helped me get out of that gut... Unfortunately, I reached out only towards the end of my class. Wish I did that sooner.

I would really try to get her to see a professional. If things are so bad for so long, she just will not get better unless she sees someone. Yeah, she might not like the first therapist she gets. So she can try a different one. You know? Not just "give up" cause she tried it before and didn't like it or whatever. (Obviously, health care is an issue if you're American, and that sucks, but there might be ways to get around it...)

At the same time... I had to stop engaging with a friend for similar reasons. They got worse and worse, and it was too toxic for me. They would not get help, they kept pushing boundaries after I already explained said boundaries, hurting me in the process... I mean, it's not like I "cut them off." I just kind of stopped talking to them like I did before. If they really need me, I'm still around if they want to extend a hand, and when things get easier on my end I'll try engaging with them again, see if things are easier for them. This has only been a recent thing (maybe a month now?) and I do feel terrible about it... but it was getting too toxic for me. It was literally hampering my life (I have some mental health hang ups too). I guess this whole paragraph is to say, if she is literally hampering your quality of life, and you have tried everything, like... I dunno, breaking up =/= never talking to you ever again, you know?

That said... I don't think you're quite at that point yet. You don't sound like you understand depression that well, and that's okay. You aren't perfect, and the subject is difficult. So definitely try and read up as much as you can on it. And, again, just be a "shoulder to cry on" for her. If it feels too overwhelming for you, take a small break (like an afternoon, a day? Since you're dating, I dunno how often you typically hang out!), but do try to be there for her if you can.

 

[Endorphineforeverybody]

Oh man, sorry for you both. Some posters above pretty much covering all. The only thing I would like to add. Don't forget yourself, maybe get a few days away, recover your strengths and patience.

Wish you both the Best

 

[VanillaCakeIsBurning]

Having absolutely no hope for the future is one of the classic signs among many.

 

[twobear]

Speaking as someone with depression, the absolute worst reaction is people getting frustrated with you for being depressed, as though you want to feel like that and it's just stubbornness and a lack of willpower that's doing it.

 

[panty]

Thanks for the replies guys. I've been being wrong about this I see. =/

Not your fault. You have good intensions but dealing with these kind of things can be really taxing on your part when you just can't undestand it.

Don't blame yourself.

Nothing wrong with ending the relationship because of this imo. If you love her enough and can manage to see it through, that's great and I applaud you but it can be really hard for you as well when there's really nothing you can do. You can't fight her demons and cure her.

 

[MC Safety]

Had a long lenghty talk. She sees no hope, nothing to move forward with life. Its as if all her goals were gone. She lost the appetite to eat, feels numb to feelings, etc. In fact she hinted a break up was inevitable in a few weeks as I wouldn't be able to resist her being down so much and being dragged.

Is there any way to help her with this? A woman that after several consecutive failures sees nothing ahead?

You can't make her go to therapy or see a doctor. But that's what she needs.

And this is not a panacea, either. A psychiatrist can diagnose her condition and prescribe drugs, but it often takes a good amount of time as both the doctor and patient have to try different dosages/drugs to see what works best.

You can only point her in the right direction. The rest is up to her.

 

[Xe4]

Don't try to make her happy. Just be there for her. Relize her actions are not always going to be rational, and stick it out for the long run.

And yeah, get her to go to a doctor and talk to other people about it aside from you. She needs all the help she can get.

Source: Me, who has depression feeling shitty as fuck at how my girlfriend feels, at which she can't make me feel better, which makes her mad/sad, which makes my depression worse. Yay!

 

[Lord British]

Are you in the USA?

 

[gaiages]

Had a long lenghty talk. She sees no hope, nothing to move forward with life. Its as if all her goals were gone. She lost the appetite to eat, feels numb to feelings, etc. In fact she hinted a break up was inevitable in a few weeks as I wouldn't be able to resist her being down so much and being dragged.

Is there any way to help her with this? A woman that after several consecutive failures sees nothing ahead?

From a professional stand point, as an accountant, a CPA certification is important. But it's not THAT important. She can still get an accounting job with her Bachelor's (that pays well) without it. There are more branches to accounting than just the public sector--there's managerial accounting, forensic accounting, and a bunch of other things she can look into. The CPA exam is *hard*. It's not the biggest failure that she failed it. She can always try again later (though I understand if it's a while, those tests are expensive). Also, she should be careful about getting a Master's in that field without proper job experience--I had an acquaintance that got a Master's in accounting before getting a job in the field, and it took him years to find something... because his Master's made him too overqualifed for entry positions, but too underqualifed for higher positions because of the lack of work experience. YMMV on that, of course.

Perhaps work with her and try to see if you two can find other career related options for her (since that's the immediate thing really getting her down).

Everyone else pretty much covered the emotional stuff.

EDIT: I'm gonna feel reaaaal silly if I misunderstood the meaning of CPA.

 

[NotSelf]

It's good that you are there for support OP but in the end she can only truly help her self. Meditation is helpful but it definitely requires work and effort not the easy way out it's not a drug that covers up the problem for sometime meditation has a long changing effect to keep one in the present moment and happy.

 

[shink]

What has gotten me through the last couple months is friends being open to talk when I'm ready to but letting me go through it all on my own time.

I found it so helpful talking with people who had been through different but similar experiences if that makes sense. Made me realise how common it actually is, but also people that truly understand what you're going through and have made it out of the other end.

 

[.nimrod]

Just be there for her, don't try to offer advice or suggest things she could do to change her situation. Hug her and just be there without pressure, you don't need to say much or anything at all.

 

[Relix]

UPDATE:

Thanks for all the tips. I have been making great strides these past few days and it has made me understand better this sickness. She has ups and down but she's excited once more about our trip tomorrow and seems more animated in general. Had a bit of a bump yesterday but I can understand that.

Really, really... thanks for the tips. I feel I am a much better person now that I understand all this stuff. Thanks GAF . I am sure it won't be smooth sailing always but I have no hurry with this girl; she's great and she's the one I was so damn sure I would never find.

 

[umop_3pisdn]

It's good that you are there for support OP but in the end she can only truly help her self. Meditation is helpful but it definitely requires work and effort not the easy way out it's not a drug that covers up the problem for sometime meditation has a long changing effect to keep one in the present moment and happy.

Depression can also prevent you from having success in meditation. It's kind of the same sort of thing as the emphasis on sila/morality in practising meditation, you adopt training in morality largely to prevent emotional distress so you can have success with meditation, and depression is itself a form of emotional distress. Some form of treatment (whether it be medication or something else) seems like it's indicated, meditation seems to generally work better as an adjunct or an alternative strategy when the severity of depression lessens, imo.

 

[bigmit3737]

There are a bunch of supplements she can choose and try if she doesn't want to try meds, just to get her mood up.

5-htp is something that may help but has to be cycled.