How do I not hate myself?

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What you need is something to make you realise that life is worth living for and although it may not feel like that now, you need to see the goodness in something. Find whatever it is that you've wanted to do with your life and go and do it.
It doesn't have to be something really ambitious.
 
What you need is something to make you realise that life is worth living for and although it may not feel like that now, you need to see the goodness in something. Find whatever it is that you've wanted to do with your life and go and do it.
It doesn't have to be something really ambitious.
i already make music, thats what i want to do with my life

it doesnt really make me feel better, although i do feel like i have a reason for my existence
 
Do you enjoy making music? If so and it's not enough then what else do you enjoy doing and would like to try doing? It can be anything no matter how ridiculous it sounds.
Also if you drink heavily then get yourself off that ASAP.
 
well my mom was a programmer for a few years, and is generally computer literate
Ugh. If your mom was computer literate, she would know not to capitalize everything. She was a programmer for a few years? Is she a programmer now?

It's a difficult situation Sadsic finds himself in. On the one hand, it's perfectly normal and even healthy to feel an attachment to one's mother. Look at the popular culture that surrounds us. People who try to break up families are generally portrayed as the bad guys, correct? Yet the reality is that some parents, even many parents, are truly awful people, and should not have any contact at all with their children. Yet the parental attachment remains, no matter how clearly awful they are. Even the worst parents usually provide some positive moments for their children to cling to and think "hey, maybe they're not that bad after all."

But they are. Sadsic's mother is dumb, crazy white trash. The best thing he could possibly do is forget she exists. He will probably never see this, which isn't a negative reflection on him. After all, she is his mother. It's an awful situation, and reason enough why all of us with good, or even mediocre parents should be thankful.

Concentrate on your music, and block your mother from Facebook and everything else. Just like everything else in life, once you start doing it, it will be easier over time. Much easier.
 
i already make music, thats what i want to do with my life

it doesnt really make me feel better, although i do feel like i have a reason for my existence
Then dig deep. It may not make you feel better, but if you work on your music as much as you can, you can solidify your reason for existence. It's a small window of opportunity that's realistically within your grasp. Also realize that your songs are things that you made on your own, with your hands (so to speak), purely out of you, and look at the results. Amazing pieces damn close to outright professional works. You definitely have more than "nothing", you have a knack many of us, including myself, wish they had.

Happiness comes when things work out for you, and obviously they haven't. There's nothing wrong with that. You're a living, breathing human being just like the rest of us, and what you're feeling is completely understandable given what you've had to put up with. That's a good sign, because it means you know your mother's insane, you had the initiative to get away from it all, and even if you haven't been entirely successful so far (though nothing ever works out exactly as we want), you've also had the initiative to try to make a better life for yourself. You're already taking all the right steps in making your life better.

What you've been doing shows me above all that you're a normal, sane person. You're not some random piss-soaked drug addict rambling hobo who's so disconnected from reality he can't even see how far he's fallen. You're still grounded in reality as a sane human being. I look at you on your Youtube channel and I don't see a freak, I simply see a person who's been through a lot and understandably expresses that. You're still very young, at 21, and you've an amazing talent. Forget about what you THINK is in the future, because you know you think there's nothing in store for you. Fuck the "future". Take your talent, throw caution to the wind, and see where it takes you. You've got nothing to lose.
 
I just finished reading this thread through. I have no right to try to add anything insightful, but I just wanted to say that I hope you're feeling better now than in your last few posts. Really liking the music as well.
 
so i didnt listen to anyones advice like a real gaffer and im at my moms house for the next few weeks

we got into an argument in the middle of the night and i told my mom i was going to try and ruin the rest of her life and pawn all her belongings and burn her house down and now we arent talking
 
i already make music, thats what i want to do with my life

it doesnt really make me feel better, although i do feel like i have a reason for my existence
Can't do it if you don't have it. Life is the only thing you have, and that's much much better than nothing. If it wasn't, you wouldn't share your work, you wouldn't post on here. The reason for existence is existence itself. It's like standing up in a tiny boat, sometimes the seas are rough, sometimes calm, but there's always the shore somewhere.
 
Sadsic,
Have you ever thought that maybe this feeling of dread. This feeling of being in hell is something we are supposed to have?
What if this is all part of you paying your dues? This is you going through the hardest time, but do you think this will go on like this?
I don’t think it will. And I think you will become stronger from all this. The world was not made for us to be happy. It doesn’t care about that. That is not why we are alive. We simply got to use what we got.

And this is a tremendous comfort I think. I can relate
 
Sadsic,
Have you ever thought that maybe this feeling of dread. This feeling of being in hell is something we are supposed to have?
What if this is all part of you paying your dues? This is you going through the hardest time, but do you think this will go on like this?
I don’t think it will. And I think you will become stronger from all this. The world was not made for us to be happy. It doesn’t care about that. That is not why we are alive. We simply got to use what we got.

And this is a tremendous comfort I think. I can relate
Karma?

I was reading an article that was saying that the nagging voice in our head that tells us we should be working instead of having fun isn't always misplaced guilt. It's the part of our self that realizes that we actually would benefit from doing that work, since we don't nag at ourselves that we should be doing something else more constructive, when we're actually laboring towards something we want.
 
Karma?

I was reading an article that was saying that the nagging voice in our head that tells us we should be working instead of having fun isn't always misplaced guilt. It's the part of our self that realizes that we actually would benefit from doing that work, since we don't nag at ourselves that we should be doing something else more constructive, when we're actually laboring towards something we want.
id say the nagging is probably lack of human interaction
we actually do require a certain amount to be satisfied
 
so,

im at my mom's house but my mom is not here.

a few days ago, she was experiencing sharp pains and was mostly incapacitated for a day. i (and her parents/my grandparents) took her to the hospital, and it turned out both of her kidneys were failing; she was dying.

She had surgery and they have her kidneys working again, but she needs to make major life changes to stay alive for a normal-sized lifespan. I tried (as well as her parents) to get her to commit to change, but it got ugly. She yelled about how everyone around her was plotting against her and made everything much worse for everyone. She told her own mother to never see her again, and I think this might be the last time I ever see my mom. I cried in the hospital over this, but I think this is it. This is the end of this bullshit.

I'm leaving my mom's house in 2 days, and I'm not going back ever again.
 
so,

im at my mom's house but my mom is not here.

a few days ago, she was experiencing sharp pains and was mostly incapacitated for a day. i (and her parents/my grandparents) took her to the hospital, and it turned out both of her kidneys were failing; she was dying.

She had surgery and they have her kidneys working again, but she needs to make major life changes to stay alive for a normal-sized lifespan. I tried (as well as her parents) to get her to commit to change, but it got ugly. She yelled about how everyone around her was plotting against her and made everything much worse for everyone. She told her own mother to never see her again, and I think this might be the last time I ever see my mom. I cried in the hospital over this, but I think this is it. This is the end of this bullshit.

I'm leaving my mom's house in 2 days, and I'm not going back ever again.
Damn, sorry to hear that. :( BTW, I don't remember if you mentioned this in the thread earlier, but how is your relationship with her parents (your grandparents)? I'm sure they're pretty upset too over this and maybe you can find some comfort in talking to them since it seems your mom is not just singling you out here. After this, I would get the heck out of that house and as far away from her as possible. You're doing the right thing by not seeing her again, at least until she can get some psychiatric help.
 
I am so sorry to hear about your mom man : (

Really hope she pulls through and you guy's can work on your relationship. Good luck man.

Just an edit here Sadsic

I've only read through the first few pages of this thread when it was posted. If your mom has problems like that obviously it might be best to get away. I just hope the best for you and your family.
 
Damn, sorry to hear that. :( BTW, I don't remember if you mentioned this in the thread earlier, but how is your relationship with her parents (your grandparents)? I'm sure they're pretty upset too over this and maybe you can find some comfort in talking to them since it seems your mom is not just singling you out here. After this, I would get the heck out of that house and as far away from her as possible. You're doing the right thing by not seeing her again, at least until she can get some psychiatric help.
im going down to their house on thursday for a few days before i go back up to my dad's. its a good relationship; they are like hollywood-esque grandparents, apple pies and war stories and such
 
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