How do I not hate myself?

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After reading that your friends have a hard time talking to you it makes me want to ask the question of: Do they know your past? Because if they do not then you really should see about opening up to them. I went to a mental hospital for depression and suicidal thoughts, I got the help I needed and then it also took work on my part (talking to friends, family, people in general). I had to stay away from negative things for awhile and take a break from life basically. It helps also to examine your life and start positive self-talk. The things that have happened to you are not your fault by any means, this is the first thing you need to realize. NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT.

Do not ruminate or withdraw either, talk to people, go out and just sit in a busy place. I know that it may sound stupid, but it helps.

I also suggest seeking free psychological help (therapist) go on google and look up free groups/therapist. There is always help available, no matter how bleak it may look there is always help.



Problem is that you cannot turn off depression, setting goals and getting motivated come after the psychological help. I agree with you that meds will not work for all people, they did not help me in my case at all, but therapy most likely will help. I found talking about it helped more then any other method. This is all just for me though, some people are different so it is not the case for all.
yeah most of my friends know about my past, but that still doesnt excuse me from being eternally bleak
 
yeah most of my friends know about my past, but that still doesnt excuse me from being eternally bleak
It does excuse you though, if they cannot understand that then they need to grow up. IF they have never been through your situation they will never know what it is like. I feel for you, and really want to see you succeed and this is not some bullshit talk either. Just, if you can, be more open to them and talk to them about how they are feeling.
 
If this is genuine, you should seek out professional counseling and therapy, because internet strangers aren't going to have the training to give you the help you need. There are likely groups/organizations in your area, and if you use the internet you should be able to find the closest ones. You should get off the internet and get the psychological help and networking that you need in real life, because online "help" is a pale substitute for the real thing. Your story is very tragic and you shouldn't suffer needlessly for it.
First response wins, as usual.

Seek counseling. Make sure you are comfortable with the counselor and if not, try someone else.
 
1. If possible, alk to a counsellor at your uni or local college.
2. Find more emotional outlets - there are people out there who are willing to listen to you in person.
3. Exercise a bit.
4. Find support groups - there are people out there who feel as you do right now, and there's also people out there who have felt as you do and have been able to move past it.
5. Enjoy life one piece at a time. Play a board game with some ppl u know. Talk to your roommate if he seems like a sociable guy. Laugh at a Dilbert comic. Feed a duck. Cook something you like.
6. Define some goals within life with some inspirational quotes. Keep yourself busy to get one half of your life going when it comes to your eventual dream or "good enough for now" job.
7. Define some more hobbies as you do Step 6. Get used to being with and trusting those you hang out with. Even if just for a laugh, a coffee, or a convo.
8. Rest is up to you. I'm kind of at Step 7 lol
 
do the free clicktrack at pstec.org. It gets rid of the emotions attached to negative beliefs and memories

Start a Gratitude List. Include things you are already thankful for, and things you don't currently have in your life. After a while you will believe that you do have the things you don't have right now, and then your beliefs will start to take form. Put a lot of positive emotions on this list.
 
Man that was a hard read. Often times I find myself thinking about people like you Sadsic, and how unfair it is for them to have to go through this type of shit. Just keep in mind that you were not at fault and things will only get better from here. I'm happy that you and your sister are outside of your mother's influence and that your father has been supportive.

It sounds like you might have your medication and therapeutic needs met for the time being, which is good to hear. I'm hoping that it'll be beneficial for you and that it'll help in creating the ideal life that you desire. Just keep working at it and I'm certain that you'll see progress.

I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes but have you thought about going back to school? You were tops in your school if I read correctly so you obviously have the smarts. I'm sure you could qualify for some type of financial aid and maybe free counseling as well. Do you have any hobbies. Joining a club or team would give you one more thing to look forward to during your day, create an opportunity to make more friends, and most importantly, less time for you to dwell on the past. I know it's easy for me to say this but Eff the past. Your future contains an endless amount of possibilities. You just have to take things one step at a time, man.

Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight. You have the opportunity to be whoever you want to be now. I have full confidence that you can pull through this.

It does excuse you though, if they cannot understand that then they need to grow up. IF they have never been through your situation they will never know what it is like. I feel for you, and really want to see you succeed and this is not some bullshit talk either. Just, if you can, be more open to them and talk to them about how they are feeling.
This is a good point. Being able to share your problems with others with others helps create a bond of sympathy, no matter how minor theirs may be.
 
Okay, here's my advice:

You need help - go find a good, accepting church community. You believe in God and like doing so - if anything will help you along those lines, a church could.

Secondly, do you read books? If so, I suggest reading "A Child Called It," "The Lost Boy" and "A Man Called Dave."

It's a trilogy, and they're really good books. They're autobiographies about a boy and his abusive mother... how he deals with it. He eventually finds God, IIRC, so I think that may help in your situation.

Get some help. It's not about being so weak you need it, but being strong enough to get it. If it helps you, you should absolutely start going to a church.
 
Consider a change of scenery, a change of lifestyle. Someone suggested getting a job that requires physical labor in order to clear your head, and I think that's a great idea. I haven't been trough a tenth of what you have, but I have been in a partial hospitalization program for depression, and I found rigorous exercise worked better than any pill. No guarantees; everyone is different, but it's worth a shot.

I suggest the WWOOf program, or something similar. It's a network of organic farms that rely on "volunteer" labor. I put in quotes because, while you don't get a salary, you do get transportation to and from (within reason, they won't fly you across the country, but there should be one nearby), room, and board gratis. No income, but pretty much no expenses either. The people who do this kind of thing tend to be really interesting and kind, and the change of scenery and being away from your family I think would do wonders.

http://www.wwoof.org/

Fire off an e-mail today and you could be out of your dad's house within the week.
 
Okay, here's my advice:

You need help - go find a good, accepting church community. You believe in God and like doing so - if anything will help you along those lines, a church could.

Secondly, do you read books? If so, I suggest reading "A Child Called It," "The Lost Boy" and "A Man Called Dave."
My mom read all those to me as a kid. Not that far from my own reality
 
That's ironic. I certainly wouldn't have expected her to read those to you...

Has she ever been nice before?
my mom read those all to me before she got especially abusive to me... yes my mom is nice, she is bipolar like me and goes through streaks of different facets. my moms a really heavy benzo addict though, and gets really paranoid if you are around her long periods of time

she also hates her mom
 
my mom read those all to me before she got especially abusive to me... yes my mom is nice, she is bipolar like me and goes through streaks of different facets. my moms a really heavy benzo addict though, and gets really paranoid if you are around her long periods of time

she also hates her mom
That's interesting. A self-fulfilling prophecy as it were. And the hatred of her own mother gives some insight to her own mind, but... that's not my place. She should honestly get help herself, but you still need to. Definitely go to a church. There are some good ones out there that will be able to help you. And it's absolutely free.
 
That's interesting. A self-fulfilling prophecy as it were. And the hatred of her own mother gives some insight to her own mind, but... that's not my place. She should honestly get help herself, but you still need to. Definitely go to a church. There are some good ones out there that will be able to help you. And it's absolutely free.
yep and i am a self-fulfilling prophecy of death myself
 
"Life is suffering" - Buddha

Take comfort in this. It will have to get a lot worse before it gets better. Say thank you to your regrets and your failures and all of the missed opportunities. They are the springboard that will allow you become better.
Remember what Einstein said. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." I truly believe this is one of the best quotes ever said by anyone, ever.
The theory of elimination is a sound one OP. Why? Because even if you burn yourself at everything you do, you have eliminated it. Same thing with people. And your approaches to everything. If you take head to what Einstein says.
If you are not insane, then you are eliminating the things that do not work, which means... your living your life.
You need to remember that life was not created to make you comfortable. You are not entitled my friend. We all think we are. Your pain is not yours.
Right now, millions of people are suffering from feelings exactly like yours. Your mind is unique, but your self loathing is not.
You can not hide behind this as a shield to think that you are special. Many depressed people would rather live a life of denial thinking that they are the only ones carrying the burden of their own mental pain, but in reality this is not so. It's almost painfully the opposite. But this is the ego killer.
You are not special OP. You never will be special, and neither will anyone else. We are all just the little guy. Gertrude Stein once said; "There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer."

There is profound truth here as well. Wishing away problems would serve no purpose. They are incremental to why you are here. Your very psyche is created in such a way that you can't understand the good without the bad, and vice versa.
In other words, your pain, suffering, struggles, problems and failures are all necessary. To wish them away would be like wishing to be a rock, because that's how you would be without them.
OP, we can only look backwards, but ironically we have to move ahead.
I promise you that. Most people will tell you that many of their biggest failures lead directly or indirectly to their greatest pleasures.
When a gate is shut down before you, ten other opens, that would not have been there had you gotten through that door.
This means that we must say thank you to our problems. We don't have to like them, but we need to realize that we need them. Ying and Yang.
It's all one. Most religions, creeds and belief systems teach the same things, and have such for thousands of years.
It doesn't matter if your a devoted fan of Tony Robbins or the second coming of the Tao, because what you are going through many people have before. They just call it depression now. It has gotten a new status in society in the last 60 years, but it does not change anything in the grand scheme of things OP.

"...There is never going to be an answer. That's the answer."
 
First I would take some deep breaths. Count them quietly as they come out of your body. Do nothing else but breathe and count. Do this for a while, for longer than you think you would. Eventually you will enter a calm state of mind.

Then make an logical agreement with yourself that the past is in the past. It's not coming back. It's happened already. You might not be able to forget any time soon but remembering it is the only way it ever returns. Some things should stay in the past. Decide what they are in your past and do not feel guilty for leaving them there forever.

What you have left is the time ahead of you and the present which you currently occupy. It is pristine territory. Nothing has ruined it yet. So make some small plans. Take a walk. Get out in the sun. Do something that you can do, something for which there are no obsticals or excuses. Just existing can be immensely satisfying if you are calm enough to appreciate the moments.

Eventually your future and your place in it will come to mind. Things like work or school will have to be faced, do so only when you are rested, ready, and above all calm. Set some simple goals in this regard, make a list, and take your shot.

You can change your life into something that will make you happy. Better still you have all the tools within yourself already. You will know what to do. Just take it day by day. Make some small improvement to your life bit by bit. And breathe. Deeply.
 
I'm praying for you, you're not a victim you're a survivor. I know its probably hard to see now, but I do believe that the testimony of your life is going to help a lot of people someday. You're a survivor and you can help others survive. I do think there's a lot of things you need to work through yourself, counselling would help you, but you got to find the right person, a strong advocate. And dont worry about the friends issue, alot of people aren't great at making friends. You're going to be alright. Just hang in there.
 
I hope to god this is a copypaste because if not idk what to say man. I know you don't want apologies. I'm not a professional or have any experience in giving advice regarding stuff like this. I do have some suggestions though.

First one would be to stay healthy and active. Respect and take care of your body no matter how you feel. You will feel and think much more clear if you're not sitting around and eating junk food. More idle time you have your self talk will overcome your conscious and you will start having negative thoughts.

Second would be to look for support groups in your area. There has to be something and don't feel discouraged if it takes some time finding one that is right for you.
 
if it's any consolation, reading your posts makes you seem like a completely rational person. i can't sense an ounce of "crazy" from you. pretty much a miracle considering what you've been through, if i had been in your place i'd probably not be even able to type coherent sentences.

so i think you're strong, even if you might not realize it (yet). you should keep on fighting, it's entirely possible that some time from now things are better. it's entirely possible that when you're 30 or 40 or whatever, you'll look back and be extremely glad that you kept fighting.

also, many people who go through horrible shit end up being the most amazing people. some of the best artists, scientists and people who ended up changing the world went through tragedies and mental health issues. you've already learned some life lessons most people will never learn.

and remember that your brain is just an organ, it can malfunction and there's no shame in it just like there's no shame with heart or lung issues or whatever. give your brain time to heal. those neurons and synapses are an amazing thing, there is so much plasticity that allows change in your brain that some day you might, and very likely WILL feel like a completely different person.
 
Hey OP, is this your music?, the description on the artist page matches up with where you live and you mentioned that you make music previously in this thread.

If that is the case, I just want to mention that I recently stumbled upon your stuff randomly (before ever reading this thread) and I really like your album "[static atlas]". You're one of my most played artists this month.

Even if that's not the case, I hope you get help, it goes without saying that you didn't deserve all the shit that happened to you and you shouldn't have to feel like you do.

If that is your music, then keep on living and making cool tunes dude, I'm really into that album. Gonna check out your other stuff after I've bled [static atlas] dry
 
Hey OP, is this your music?, the description on the artist page matches up with where you live and you mentioned that you make music previously in this thread.

If that is the case, I just want to mention that I recently stumbled upon your stuff randomly (before ever reading this thread) and I really like your album "[static atlas]". You're one of my most played artists this month.

Even if that's not the case, I hope you get help, it goes without saying that you didn't deserve all the shit that happened to you and you shouldn't have to feel like you do.

If that is your music, then keep on living and making cool tunes dude, I'm really into that album. Gonna check out your other stuff after I've bled [static atlas] dry
yeah thats me! that little album i did a few years back got some serious plays
 
There is no god watching over. Just a man-made god along with some man-made rules that probably didn't help you due to the anti-homosexual rules.

Go watch a bunch of the "It gets better" videos. And it will get better . . . but only if you work at it and want it to be better.

I've been there. A few times.
Yo. Get out of here with that shit. You think pushing your stupid little agenda will help this guys situation? Be fucking considerate.
 
it is like 80% of the reason i havent been able to kill myself... it is my one true passion in this broad stroke
Well why don't you try working on another album? There must be people around your area that make music as well that you can chill and collaborate with. Making music with other people(hell, even by yourself) is an amazing way to get rid of many personal issues that you might have as you're only concerned with that particular moment of the present rather than past things. Helps me with anxiety issues(among other things) I get sometimes.
 
Well why don't you try working on another album? There must be people around your area that make music as well that you can chill and collaborate with. Making music with other people(hell, even by yourself) is an amazing way to get rid of many personal issues that you might have as you're only concerned with that particular moment of the present rather than past things. Helps me with anxiety issues(among other things) I get sometimes.
i have like... 5 full albums built up of stuff im ready to drop soon lol
 
i have like... 5 full albums built up of stuff im ready to drop soon lol
What type of music do you make BTW? Is any of it available to sample? Ironically, I'm actually in the process of making an OT music making thread with another gaffer.(albeit slowly) I could use your input if you are inclined.
 
I don't have any insurance right now, the county I live in doesn't have any mental health services

I'm really wary of medicine, and the last two therapists told me I was "too far gone" and told me to leave
I'm not a health lawyer, but I think you might have some kind of case there, if you can prove that they really said that.

Lawer gaf, help the man out!
 
OP you are also incredibly smart, as you said you graduated 2nd in your class.

You have all this talent and potential, you just have to forgive yourself. Your mom was a fuck-up as a result of her own upbringing, and you were simply born into that situation. You are not to blame for ANYTHING that happened in your childhood.

HOWEVER, as an adult you finally have the control you have always wanted. You don't have to let the opinions of others affect you, you have so many stories to tell through your music, you are smart enough to go to college, and your passion will attract others to you.

Like others have said, continue seeking help/support. For now, you have GAF and we support each other. This thread was only a waste if you didn't get a single thing out of it. That's up to you.
 
Don't worry about school right now. Just focus on fixing you.

I had undiagnosed Celiac disease for the majority of my life, and I can't possibly describe how it felt two days into the dietary switch. The depression that had plagued me my entire life was completely gone and I had to relearn a lot about myself.

You probably won't have nearly as clean or simple an answer for your issues, but once you get to the other side of things, it'll be a whole lot better. Keep working at it, and keep your doctors informed about how you're doing. They can't help if they don't know there's an issue.
 
http://soundcloud.com/sadsic

i mostly work with samples / engineering... i can make roughly any sound, but i sort of stick around idm / ambient / hip-hop / weird stuff
Sweet, will check out.

EDIT: OMFG this shit is genius.(I do not take that word lightly, as if you've seen any of my music posts im sort of a music snob in many respects) I can't even describe the sound it's like a mix of triphop/hiphop, psychedelic, and IDM.(I sense a slight hint of chillwave/folk elements in certain places too?) This can be its own damn genre. You have an album up, yes? What DAW did you make this under?

Getting all your shit on bandcamp, no lie.
 
Sweet, will check out.

EDIT: OMFG this shit is genius.(I do not take that word lightly, as if you've seen any of my music posts im sort of a music snob in certain respects) I can't even describe the sound it's like a mix of triphop/hiphop, psychedelic, and IDM.(I sense a slight hint of chillwave/folk elements in certain places too?) This can be its own damn genre. You have an album up, yes? What DAW did you make this under?
Dude, you're amazingly gifted. This stuff is AMAZING. I'm not exaggerating in the least. I'm adding this to my favorites.
You guys gatta hear "My Friends (ft. everyone)", shit is bangin'.
 
Wow so I get to the end of this just mind-boggling and heartwrenching thread only to find some professional-grade music by the OP. That was unexpected.

I can't comment on your problems, I'm wholly unequipped and I doubt anything I said would make you feel better. And I'm not even saying this to make you feel better, but for what it's worth your music is some seriously good shit. Just as an objective observation.

Edit: Had to go back and check your age. 21 years old and making this, jesum christmas.
 
I have trouble believing this is true. Or at least it's much more complex than you're communicating here. Do you mean to say they referred you to a different therapist/psychiatrist due to the depth of your issues?

It is not a therapist's role to do what you've said they've done here.
He said that was actually what his mom told him, not what he heard directly from the therapists, so... :/
 

Az987

all good things
I've battled depression and anxiety since I was a preteen until I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 21 when I had a manic/psychotic episode.

The only thing I can say is don't give up. I know that's what everyone always says and when people would say it to me I'd think to myself yea what the fuck do you know, you don't know what I'm going through but I have kind of been in a similar circumstance as you.

5 years ago my life was complete SHIT but its gotten better. Things can get better.

I live in Maryland too. Small world huh.
 

thetrin

Hail, peons, for I have come as ambassador from the great and bountiful Blueberry Butt Explosion
im feeling really fucking stupid that this is my thread on this forum... ive been reading this site for like 8 years and spent most of my teenage years idolizing this forum

i am a fuck up
YOU are not a fuck up. You haven't been given the chance in life, because everyone else has been projecting their own bullshit upon you. It's fucking tragic and it angers me that anyone can have a life like this.

I really hope you get the help you need. Do yourself a big favor and also look into non profit organizations in your area that could help you deal with your situation, and even assist you in applying to universities and subsidizing your tuition.

PLEASE PLEASE seek help. I'm sure you're a wonderful person. I would hate for you to suffer through this crap on your own.
 
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