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How Nintendo betrayed the left.

Scotty W

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Sep 29, 2019
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America is a right-handed nation: as a left-handed man, videogames once gave me solace, but since 2004, a sinister hand has cruelly snatched that comfort from me, leaving me with nothing. You will have guessed what I am talking about: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. Allow me to explain.

When I was in grade 6, my parents divorced and I moved with my mother to the midwest. It was a baseball town-- baseball all the time, baseball, baseball, baseball. My first day of school was in late October. My feet glid silkily over the slightly frost enamelled grass as I stepped up to the plate in my very first gym class.

"You're standing on the wrong side of the plate." my mendacious teacher shouted at me from the outfield.

"But it feels wrong," I said, "it's not who I am as a person." I had to shout this three times across the field before she understood me-- all this in the hearing of my smirking classmates. Three times, one, two, three strikes against myself and the world about what hands I was. My cheeks smarting with crimson shame, I fled to the bench. The gossipy laughter of my classmates hung in the air around me, like a plague of wasps. In my deepest heart, I vowed never to be untruthful with who I was ever again. But barely one minute later, the right handed system made me betray myself again. There were only left-handed baseball gloves. My skin crawled as I hid my true self from the world, yet again. When I caught the ball and tried to throw it to first base, I got only laughter from my classmates- my useless right appendage could only throw like a girl.

At my next at-bat I swung left, and connected. But the game was still rigged against me. Every time I hit the ball, I had to turn right to get to first base- and by the time I was able to turn and run, the ball was already there- every. single. time. The jeers of my classmates were burned into my memory, like the music of The Cure onto a vinyl record: "He'll never get to first base."

Over the next several months, I became despondent; nothing could comfort me. I stayed home from school most days, watching Jerry Springer, eating Nutella and drinking Monsters.

My Mom became so concerned with my depression that she took radical measures. She brought home a Nintendo Gamecube and a copy of Zelda: The Wind Waker, which you will have recalled was bundled with the Zelda Collection disk. It was like falling into a mountain of heaven. Link, the hero of The Legend of Zelda was left-handed! For five and a half months, I sat, enraptured, in front of the TV screen, lapping up the left-handed glory as I played through each and every game.

Zelda taught me that it was ok to be left-handed; that I could hold a spoon with my left-hand and be a hero; that it didn't matter if I never got to first base, as long as I had a left-hand; that it was possible to be a human being with dignity and to use my left-hand to do so. Everything that I am, and all I've become, I owe to those five and a half months-- mid February to September- I learned that to protect who you are you can swing a sword as a lefty and be respected (though I never kept a sword or even a knife under my trenchcoat- only a baseball bat) and my sense of left-handed heroism led me to my occupation-- Internet activism. For a time, I was on top of the world.

In 2004, Nintendo released the Wii, which brought with it the Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, and took with it my soul. I queued outside for two weeks of a Minneasota winter, paid good money for it, unwrapped it, plugged it in, turned it on, only to be greeted by a right handed Link. Nintendo had betrayed me. Link had betrayed me. Even worse, if I wanted a right handed Link, I had to play the Gamecube version. These two Twilight Princesses were the sirens that cleft my soul in two-- they were saying, in effect, "Left-handedness is bad, shameful-- bad bad bad-- so we're going to leave you languishing on a dead system; you are worth less, as a person, as a human being.

Since that day, Nintendo has refused to heal my heart. They release a few piddling, 2D portable games with a left-handed Link, and then they do their important releases with a right handed Link. The inference is clear: Nintendo does not think that I am a legitimate human being. I am less. And who am I to disagree with what my entertainment tells me. I can't! Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonomura have even commented to the press that they "couldn't care less" about this issue. I am going to start thinking about buying a PS4. Nintendo has bereft me of all words but two.

Fuck Nintendo.
 

Kdad

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Sep 20, 2018
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Dude....you think you had it rough?
 

DunDunDunpachi

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We all know how this goes. First the lefties just want more representation, then they get angry for being included in token ways (okay, you assigned some item-selection to the d-pad, big deal!). Then the lefties demand videogame award shows should acknowledge their struggle or else the game industry is "rightist". Articles begin appearing about how people are born southpaw and "righties are dead". Kojima starts talking about how his strand genre was actually about left-handed people, and Phil Spencer starts promising left-specific Xbox controllers.

Before you know it we'll all be moving our character with the right stick and aiming with the left stick. :messenger_fearful:
 

Closer

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Nov 19, 2018
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A PS4 won't fix your problems, as the controller is only symmetrical if you are using both sticks. You are gonna suffer for the rest of your life looking for something no one else does, except for the glorious PC master race, the truly merciful and beautiful deity of this planet, capable of soothing your pains and pitiful life.
 
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Griffon

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Oct 28, 2017
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It's funny because controllers are all lefties with main stick on the left and buttons on the right.

It's a convention that was first adopted in arcade because it would make the games harder to play and munch more quarters that way.
 
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Spukc

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Jan 24, 2015
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It's funny because controllers are all lefties with main stick on the left and buttons on the right.

It's a convention that was first adopted in arcade because it would make the games harder to play and munch more quarters that way.
i am sure it was done to make streetfighter actually playable
 
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MasterDerico

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Feb 1, 2020
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+How Nintendo not becomed stupid.

(Not listening minority of extremely leftist lunatics with more mental/psychological issues than ideology, and activists that not even play videogames).

Congrats Nintendo!
 
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PhoenixTank

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Jul 13, 2017
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+How Nintendo not becomed stupid.

(Not listening minority of extremely leftist lunatics with more mental/psychological issues than ideology, and activists that not even play videogames).

Congrats Nintendo!
This is either a weird parody response or deserves some gentle mocking for literally only reading the title of the thread.
If the former, see DunDunDunpachi DunDunDunpachi 's post for an example of how to do it right. If the latter: you 8 the b8, m8.
 
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Aion002

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Nov 21, 2019
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I never understood this left/right hand issue... I am more inclined to do things with my left hand... But my right hand can do everything that my left can do... However my left leg can't do half of the things that my right leg can do specially on martial arts and soccer... Weird shit...
 

Vawn

Banned
Feb 20, 2018
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When I was in grade 6, my parents divorced and I moved with my mother to the midwest. It was a baseball town-- baseball all the time, baseball, baseball, baseball. My first day of school was in late October. My feet glid silkily over the slightly frost enamelled grass as I stepped up to the plate in my very first gym class.

"You're standing on the wrong side of the plate." my mendacious teacher shouted at me from the outfield

Um, millions of people play baseball left handed, even in the majors.

I find it difficult to believe you found someone stupid enough to not know left-handed batters stand on the other side of the plate. There are batter boxes on both sides for a reason.
 
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Aug 24, 2016
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Get the surgery so you can identify as left-handed-gender OP.

I hope you don't get too upset that many laptop manufacturers don't put USB ports on the left side making you use a wired mouse right handed.
 
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Feb 16, 2014
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When I was in grade 6, my parents divorced and I moved with my mother to the midwest. It was a baseball town-- baseball all the time, baseball, baseball, baseball. My first day of school was in late October. My feet glid silkily over the slightly frost enamelled grass as I stepped up to the plate in my very first gym class.

I don't give a fuck about your personal life.

According to this article you have at most a 25% chance of being left handed and theorizes that roughly 12% of the world is left handed. Face it, we out number you and because we're the majority we design things with what makes us comfortable. It's kind of hard to design something that works for you if it's not something we're accustomed to. In addition to this, why the fuck does it matter? I used to play games with the arrow keys and the mouse on the left side until someone at a LAN party when I was 12 showed me the power of WASD. Rebind your keys to IJKL if it matters to you so much.
 
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DonF

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Jul 10, 2017
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is being left handed your biggest personality trait, op ? Get over it. What about all the people that had to play with a left handed link for years! Think of the other people, the majority! and praises nintendo for correcting that huge mistake!
 
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TLZ

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I never understood this left/right hand issue... I am more inclined to do things with my left hand... But my right hand can do everything that my left can do... However my left leg can't do half of the things that my right leg can do specially on martial arts and soccer... Weird shit...
It's all practice. I forced myself to play with my left foot like my right doesn't exist and deal with it. In a few days I was good.
 
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TLZ

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Also OP, I can't figure out if you're serious or not. I have a good number of friends who are left handed and they all consider themselves naturally gifted. Never went through the stuff you say. In fact my asshole friends consider themselves a level above us mere right handed mortals :messenger_tears_of_joy:

Matter fact, my wife and Mom are left handed and they're more successful than I am.
 
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Nuka-Cola

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Oct 1, 2019
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Maybe stop being a left-handed cuck and then maybe just maybe Nintendo wouldn't bully you. This comment was made by Right Supremacist Gang.
 
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MasterDerico

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This is either a weird parody response or deserves some gentle mocking for literally only reading the title of the thread.
If the former, see DunDunDunpachi DunDunDunpachi 's post for an example of how to do it right. If the latter: you 8 the b8, m8.

Tie here, because it's hard to understand what u meant! (English isn't my first language, sorry)

Read carefully, you'll understand the complexity of my post! lol
 

Old Retro

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Dec 17, 2019
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I remember in the mid 80s, Nintendo arcade cabinets had ambi controls. A set of buttons on each side of the joystick.
 

darth.shrimp

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Dec 1, 2019
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Anyone remembers the Atari Lynx? Even being left-handed myself, this thing always looked very uncomfortable; it would never occur to me to use the d-pad with the left hand. Have we been formatted? Is it already too late for us? :messenger_face_screaming: