• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
  • Hi Guest. We've rebooted and consolidated our Communities section, so be sure to check it out and subscribe to some threads. Thanks!

I rarely get this kinda serious on here, but I really need your advice on something regarding a dear friend of mine

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
The bolded is so very, very wrong. That's not to say being friends with the opposite sex is wrong. But in your case, he's right to demand that she cut you out, and it has nothing to do with his insecurity. Frankly, he'd be a foolish idiot for being on board with her remaining your friend. From reading above:

1) You have become exceptionally close to her after meeting her through him, and she now confides marital problems to you while you work on plans to help her leave him. It sounds basically like an emotional affair on the part of a bored housewife, which is a very common path to divorce.

2) You are in fact trying to help her leave him.

--> If she cares about her marriage in any way, shape or form whatsoever, she should cut you out of her life immediately. And if you really care about her as a platonic friend, you will pull away and let her make a potentially earth shattering decision for her and her family without external influence.

--> One other thing - if she is mentally stable, I don't buy for a second that she is afraid to leave him because of town connections, what people would say, etc. There are so many support groups and agencies for women with children who leave emotionally or physically abusive marriages, that I cannot shake the feeling she is giving the guy who is chasing her excuses for why they can't be together yet. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but at the end of the day you are the guy who she is in a relationship with that her husband objects to, and encouraging her to leave him even though they have a child together, and labeling his common sense objection to your relationship as a mark of insecurity.
He doesn't object to our relationship specifically more than any other. She even said he never considered me a threat because I don't live anywhere close, while her other friends all live close by. The only time he pointed me out specifically was when I sent the gifts, and at that point, she'd already been on lockdown. In fact, she has a few other friends who he brings up way more than he brings up me. For example he'll run into them when out at the store or whatever and then come home and mention them or spy on their Facebooks.

There is no emotional affair, I'm not interested in her like that, nor her with me. Our relationship has not a single time ever gotten sexual in all the years we've known each other, we don't even flirt. She's just a good caring person who has reached out to her friends at a time of need, that's all it is, and as it currently stands, his ire is far more directed at her for the demon and satan shit than it is about her friends. I mean that comes up when something triggers it, but the routine stuff is all devil/christ/babble related mainly and obviously oppression and not allowing her to do anything at all.
 

NickFire

Gold Member
Mar 12, 2014
5,437
4,326
735
This has nothing to do with me. He doesn't allow her to have friends.. period. I'm just one of them. She has to talk to all of us in secret. I'm just one of many, we just happen to be the closest among her friends. None of this "lockdown" stemmed from me being friends with her. She was on lockdown long before I sent out the Christmas gifts, but I sent them as a family package of gifts like we do every year thinking it would be ok, and it wasn't.

I think you have misread what I've been saying and are reading it as my relationship with her has spawned this. It has not. I have not undermined anything. I'm giving support to someone in dire need of help who has been suicidal. If your friends can't rely on you at their lowest then they aren't real friends IMO.
She continues in a relationship with someone who encourages and tries to help facilitate a divorce. Maybe his /their issues are completely unrelated to you, but that right there is enough to wonder if perhaps he is turning to religion in a desperate effort to save his family because it seems his wife is cheating on him from his perspective. There's also enough to wonder if her reports to you are exact descriptions of what occurred at home.

You seem to have a good heart, but understand you are posting about creating a go fund me for her (who seems to have mental health issues herself) to break her family up, and you've continued with this relationship after he made it clear that you seem like a threat to his marriage. I don't mean to demonize you, but it is what it is, and no amount of buzzwords like oppression or insecurity (in the context of ignoring common sense) will change what the basic fact pattern of lonely housewife carrying on relationship with man who husband objects to, and who is trying to help her leave him.
 

*Nightwing

Member
Sep 24, 2014
192
189
395
Nope
Removing emotion from the equation: she has options. Womens shelters, homeless shelters, various church based help.... none of them are pleasant but she has options. She is not taking them because she has determined she is better off where she is for the time being. She uses you as her personal venting (and not even going to get into how people always exaggerate when venting but it seems to be common knowledge to everyone except people involved in situations they don't want to get out of) so you don't have the full story despite what you feel is the truth. All you can do is continue to be her support when she needs to vent, and accept her decision to not leave. And if one day she does decide she really can't take any more, then you cross that bridge then. But currently she is telling you one thing and acting in a contrary manner.

Adding emotion back into it: it is clear from everything you have described she doesn't want to leave, she wants him to change. And that is as likely as occurring as you changing her mind to exercise her options in leaving. Free will is a hell of a thing
 
  • Like
Reactions: SKM1

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
She continues in a relationship with someone who encourages and tries to help facilitate a divorce. Maybe his /their issues are completely unrelated to you, but that right there is enough to wonder if perhaps he is turning to religion in a desperate effort to save his family because it seems his wife is cheating on him from his perspective. There's also enough to wonder if her reports to you are exact descriptions of what occurred at home.

You seem to have a good heart, but understand you are posting about creating a go fund me for her (who seems to have mental health issues herself) to break her family up, and you've continued with this relationship after he made it clear that you seem like a threat to his marriage. I don't mean to demonize you, but it is what it is, and no amount of buzzwords like oppression or insecurity (in the context of ignoring common sense) will change what the basic fact pattern of lonely housewife carrying on relationship with man who husband objects to, and who is trying to help her leave him.
The order is backwards. She was happily married until he went all crazy. And she has not talked divorce until recently where she is so beaten down she'd rather die than stay in the same house. I'm not trying to facilitate a divorce, I'm trying to help someone in need in any way I can. Whether or not she divorces him isn't up to me, I just want her happy, healthy, and safe so she can heal from the torment and psycho torture.
 

highrider

Member
Dec 18, 2010
9,200
2,531
900
52
washington d.c.
She's my best friend. I've known her for years and would take a bullet for her. I would never under any circumstances abandon her. There's nothing wrong with being friends of married people of the opposite sex. Only when a spouse is insecure does it become a problem.
Dude, you’d take a bullet for her and you’d never abandon her. You need some hard truth. You’re in love with her or at least lust. I’m sure you’d say it’s completely magnanimous because it’s safer to never just commit to your actual feelings. You are a beta orbiter, textbook. You are patiently waiting for her breaking point where she will hopefully abandon him and move in with you, it would already be the case if you had bankroll, she’d be there detailing up the casa and you’d still probably manage to remain her friend. It may seem like I’m being an asshole but I’m trying to help you see. Nobody is saying abandon her, but why is she your responsibility? Why would any rational person want any part of that.

And another hard truth, their absolutely is something wrong with being best friends with a married woman as a man. It’s not about insecurity, it’s creepy.
 

Tesseract

Crushed by Thanos
Dec 7, 2008
39,632
15,062
1,395
Or maybe this fully grown adult woman could handle her own relationship. What could he conceivably do? Hey you, stop being a psycho and be nice. I’m going to go out on a limb that the husband is a bit more assertive than the op.
oh no i meant merely telling him what's gone on until now, then stepping aside

i never rub another man's rhubarb, it's the ultimate bro code
 

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
Dude, you’d take a bullet for her and you’d never abandon her. You need some hard truth. You’re in love with her or at least lust. I’m sure you’d say it’s completely magnanimous because it’s safer to never just commit to your actual feelings. You are a beta orbiter, textbook. You are patiently waiting for her breaking point where she will hopefully abandon him and move in with you, it would already be the case if you had bankroll, she’d be there detailing up the casa and you’d still probably manage to remain her friend. It may seem like I’m being an asshole but I’m trying to help you see. Nobody is saying abandon her, but why is she your responsibility? Why would any rational person want any part of that.

And another hard truth, their absolutely is something wrong with being best friends with a married woman as a man. It’s not about insecurity, it’s creepy.
I'm not at all. We're just friends and I have no interest in a relationship with her. I've been super close with her for years and have dated other women and never had any interest in pursuing her. I do love her, but like family, not like a wife. We won't wind up together.

I don't think you are being an asshole at all, I always appreciate any input, it's why I made the thread, but I'm just telling you flat out you are wrong on this. I would have no shame in admitting if I was in love with a married woman and wanted to be with one, but this is not the case here. We are just super close and are only friends. I've never thought about her sexually, we are just friends. I don't see how that's hard to fathom, I mean I can see how one would have trouble being close with a girl and it not eventually leading to romance, but people can have great friends who are of the opposite sex and it not turn into romance.

I appreciate anyone who chimed in. People can still post input if they are inclined, but I will report back with updates if/when I have any.
 
Last edited:
Sep 3, 2014
425
155
405
SuperTed Pyjamas
Dude... she had a stockpile of cool merchandise of her favorite heavy metal band, and he burned it all in a bonfire in the backyard because he said it allowed demons to enter the home.

You know how heavy metal is, they talk about hardcore shit, but that's another thing he has banned from the house. They can only listen to Christian music now.
You should send the husband a gift...
 

Barsinister

Member
Jan 16, 2008
1,644
2,502
1,285
USA
Many, many years ago I had a good friend. We were together every single day for the better part of five years. He was like a brother to me. We had a toast that we would say "Friends today, friends tomorrow, friends we shall always be. Because I my friend can look through you and you can see through me."

He ended up getting hooked on heroin. I did not approve and what was I gonna' do? Sit there and watch him shoot up between his toes (Hi, brap brap ) while I clicked my tongue at him? I let him be. I went by once years later and reminded him that we had promised each other that if something should happen to one of us the other would take care of his family if he had any. I released him from that promise, I didn't want a junkie around my kid. It made him cry. I cried too.

He did get his life together and has a good job and a wife now. He just called me out of the blue the other day. So, it's not what you do. Sometimes it what you DON"T do that matters.

EDIT: Hi brap for the toe talk, not the heroin.
 
Last edited:

NickFire

Gold Member
Mar 12, 2014
5,437
4,326
735
The order is backwards. She was happily married until he went all crazy. And she has not talked divorce until recently where she is so beaten down she'd rather die than stay in the same house. I'm not trying to facilitate a divorce, I'm trying to help someone in need in any way I can. Whether or not she divorces him isn't up to me, I just want her happy, healthy, and safe so she can heal from the torment and psycho torture.
Maybe the order is backwards, and maybe the suspicions began long before you realized it. You might be surprised by how many red flags someone can process and try to ignore while slowly going crazy (wondering if their family is crumbling). And considering the lengths you have gone and are willing to go to for her, I can virtually guarantee that there were numerous red flags (from his perspective) before he started making his displeasure known, and regardless of whether you were ever interested in her or not. I also wouldn't be the least shocked if you were one of several people he saw red flags over. I am not trying to demonize her either, but her relationship with you is extremely inappropriate if she cares about her family staying together.

Whatever the order is, or who did what first, I highly suggest that you take mind of what Barsinister Barsinister said.
 

Athena Pallas

Incest Aficionado
Nov 14, 2018
277
510
445
So you have no interest in saving the husband? Why is that? He was your friend before you even know the wife.

The best case scenario is saving their marriage. The problem is the church! Attack the problem.

Go talk to your friend(the husband) and know more about the church. Pretend you have interest in the church so he will welcome you with open arms. Then guide him back to sanity. It could all be just a phase.

That’s what you should be doing.
 

Nester99

Member
Sep 17, 2016
1,072
305
365
BC
So you have no interest in saving the husband? Why is that? He was your friend before you even know the wife.

The best case scenario is saving their marriage. The problem is the church! Attack the problem.

Go talk to your friend(the husband) and know more about the church. Pretend you have interest in the church so he will welcome you with open arms. Then guide him back to sanity. It could all be just a phase.

That’s what you should be doing.



He says he knew the husband first, he said " I'm a loyalist by nature, I don't abandon anyone in my life.. " yet is happy to abandon his original friend for ...his wife.

i Fear some white knighting might be going on.
 

Barsinister

Member
Jan 16, 2008
1,644
2,502
1,285
USA
He says he knew the husband first, he said " I'm a loyalist by nature, I don't abandon anyone in my life.. " yet is happy to abandon his original friend for ...his wife.

i Fear some white knighting might be going on.
He's saying all kinds of things. I don't mean this as a put-down or anything, but he is very young, I imagine. Sitting around with his pals, drinking strawberry margaritas, saying, "The only ones you can rely on in life is your friends. I mean it! Not your family, not your mentors, nobody! Just your friends!"

All of his pals say "Yeah." in unison. He knows life. He knows what's important.
 
  • Like
Reactions: John Day

highrider

Member
Dec 18, 2010
9,200
2,531
900
52
washington d.c.
I'm not at all. We're just friends and I have no interest in a relationship with her. I've been super close with her for years and have dated other women and never had any interest in pursuing her. I do love her, but like family, not like a wife. We won't wind up together.

I don't think you are being an asshole at all, I always appreciate any input, it's why I made the thread, but I'm just telling you flat out you are wrong on this. I would have no shame in admitting if I was in love with a married woman and wanted to be with one, but this is not the case here. We are just super close and are only friends. I've never thought about her sexually, we are just friends. I don't see how that's hard to fathom, I mean I can see how one would have trouble being close with a girl and it not eventually leading to romance, but people can have great friends who are of the opposite sex and it not turn into romance.

I appreciate anyone who chimed in. People can still post input if they are inclined, but I will report back with updates if/when I have any.
Look man I appreciate that none of this is offensive to you but I just don’t understand. It’s like you are so close to this woman, you’d take a bullet for her, never abandon her. I mean that’s pretty heavy language there. You could be that unicorn, the guy that is truly just a good friend, but I’m 52 and I’m a guy and I’ve known a lot of guys. I can think of literally none that are forging relationships with women ( particularly married ones ) that have nary a thought of smashing. You’re pretty much going to have to tell me she’s an ogre because if she’s attractive I would find this even more completely unbelievable.
 

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
So you have no interest in saving the husband? Why is that? He was your friend before you even know the wife.

The best case scenario is saving their marriage. The problem is the church! Attack the problem.

Go talk to your friend(the husband) and know more about the church. Pretend you have interest in the church so he will welcome you with open arms. Then guide him back to sanity. It could all be just a phase.

That’s what you should be doing.
We were friends but we weren’t super close. If he had a list of his 10-20 best friends I wouldn’t have been on it, but we’d talk. Believe me, this idea hasn’t gone past me, he’s beyond saving. I have tried as much as I could given the circumstances. The church is what got him started, and brainwashed him, but as I understand it, it has kinda manifested on its own as he continued to plunge deeper into these beliefs. Someone asked, I forget the name of the church I can find out. He lives 8-10 hours away, going there on a whim is difficult, especially for me.
Maybe the order is backwards, and maybe the suspicions began long before you realized it. You might be surprised by how many red flags someone can process and try to ignore while slowly going crazy (wondering if their family is crumbling). And considering the lengths you have gone and are willing to go to for her, I can virtually guarantee that there were numerous red flags (from his perspective) before he started making his displeasure known, and regardless of whether you were ever interested in her or not. I also wouldn't be the least shocked if you were one of several people he saw red flags over. I am not trying to demonize her either, but her relationship with you is extremely inappropriate if she cares about her family staying together.

Whatever the order is, or who did what first, I highly suggest that you take mind of what Barsinister Barsinister said.
Him falling into this wacky religion was not at all related to his wife/my friend. You’re just going to have to take my word on that. I totally get why it could seem like that from your perspective, but I promise none of that had anything to do with it. He got mixed in with the wrong people, his family reinforced it, and that’s really it. Nothing sexy or sultry behind the scenes. He has some inner demons from his childhood that I think really lured him to religion and it has sank his claws deep in him. If I can help him too, I will. I’m not the only one who has tried. People who have known him his whole life have tried. No one has gotten through. People who know him way better than I do.
 

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
Look man I appreciate that none of this is offensive to you but I just don’t understand. It’s like you are so close to this woman, you’d take a bullet for her, never abandon her. I mean that’s pretty heavy language there. You could be that unicorn, the guy that is truly just a good friend, but I’m 52 and I’m a guy and I’ve known a lot of guys. I can think of literally none that are forging relationships with women ( particularly married ones ) that have nary a thought of smashing. You’re pretty much going to have to tell me she’s an ogre because if she’s attractive I would find this even more completely unbelievable.
She’s just not my type romantically and I’m not hers. You are older than me, but I don’t know what to tell you man, I don’t feel that way for her. It’s more like brother sister love. She’s pretty but it’s just not like that. I can get why for most guys and maybe girls too why that may be rare or whatever, but maybe that’s part of the reason why we bonded. Because we can be super close without any sexual feelings. She’s always been there for me and was there for me at my absolute darkest times and several years ago when I was very very ill and kinda came close to dying and she’s just awesome and I love her to death, but not romantically.

We both have the same chronic illness and we kinda bonded over it and have been close ever since. Maybe that's why it's different I don't know.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: thanosg

NickFire

Gold Member
Mar 12, 2014
5,437
4,326
735
We were friends but we weren’t super close. If he had a list of his 10-20 best friends I wouldn’t have been on it, but we’d talk. Believe me, this idea hasn’t gone past me, he’s beyond saving. I have tried as much as I could given the circumstances. The church is what got him started, and brainwashed him, but as I understand it, it has kinda manifested on its own as he continued to plunge deeper into these beliefs. Someone asked, I forget the name of the church I can find out. He lives 8-10 hours away, going there on a whim is difficult, especially for me.


Him falling into this wacky religion was not at all related to his wife/my friend. You’re just going to have to take my word on that. I totally get why it could seem like that from your perspective, but I promise none of that had anything to do with it. He got mixed in with the wrong people, his family reinforced it, and that’s really it. Nothing sexy or sultry behind the scenes. He has some inner demons from his childhood that I think really lured him to religion and it has sank his claws deep in him. If I can help him too, I will. I’m not the only one who has tried. People who have known him his whole life have tried. No one has gotten through. People who know him way better than I do.
How do you know, for a fact, that the same person with mental health problems, who is pushing relationship boundaries with you, did not do the same thing with other guys or just give off red flags related to you that you never anticipated? I'll give you that I am speculating as well. In return, I hope you understand how suspect this story is when the author has moved from husband's friend to asking strangers for help on raising money for her to leave him, despite no physical abuse in the story.

She’s just not my type romantically and I’m not hers. You are older than me, but I don’t know what to tell you man, I don’t feel that way for her. It’s more like brother sister love. She’s pretty but it’s just not like that. I can get why for most guys and maybe girls too why that may be rare or whatever, but maybe that’s part of the reason why we bonded. Because we can be super close without any sexual feelings. She’s always been there for me and was there for me at my absolute darkest times and several years ago when I was very very ill and kinda came close to dying and she’s just awesome and I love her to death, but not romantically.

We both have the same chronic illness and we kinda bonded over it and have been close ever since. Maybe that's why it's different I don't know.
Dude, read this out loud. It has a striking resemblance to the dialogue in every romance movie ever where a person is telling themselves that the person they love is just their friend and they could never be together, while everyone else is like "duh".
 
Last edited:

mekes

Member
Jun 30, 2013
2,099
928
535
London, UK
Maybe she could record some of his crazy behaviour before working up the courage to leave? It is an abusive relationship so I assume the state would have to help move her on? But having audio/video would not hurt.
 

SKM1

Formerly 'GaugeInvariant'
Mar 7, 2018
434
286
445
You're not responsible for anyone's well being except for those who explicitly depend on you. The likelihood of her killing herself is very small, let alone because of what you do or don't do.

Maybe you have a savior complex, I don't know. Her life is her responsibility, and hers alone.

Just my 2 cents
 
  • Thoughtful
Reactions: Barsinister

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
How do you know, for a fact, that the same person with mental health problems, who is pushing relationship boundaries with you, did not do the same thing with other guys or just give off red flags related to you that you never anticipated? I'll give you that I am speculating as well. In return, I hope you understand how suspect this story is when the author has moved from husband's friend to asking strangers for help on raising money for her to leave him, despite no physical abuse in the story.
I don't feel that she did push relationship boundaries. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would not be comfortable with their woman(or vice versa) being really close with someone of the opposite sex, and if so that is their right I can't say they're wrong, but I also don't think it's wrong for two people of the opposite sex to be close friends. Both things can be true. If you love your spouse and trust them and you know that friend makes them happy and helps them and gives them love and support, then if you truly love your spouse you would want them to remain friends with them. At least I would. And if that ends up leading to something bigger and them cheating then I'd operate under the fact that our marriage was never gonna work anyway if she didn't have it within herself to hold to her vows.

As for the second part I don't know how to answer it by saying do you have any super close friends and someone asks you "How do you know they aren't _____?" whether it be secretly having an affair or doing drugs or what have you, it could be anything. Technically, I can't prove it, but I'd know. She tells me everything, stuff she's too embarrassed to tell other people. I think that trust kinda started when we first met and shared a lot of medical stories that were really personal so those borders were kinda torn down immediately.

But I think you have things a little bit wrong. She routinely tells me that she doesn't know if she can handle living there anymore without killing herself. So naturally, the first and only thing in my mind is to prevent her from causing harm to herself and getting her out of a situation she's been in that hasn't improved and has only gotten worse over a span of years now it's been.

I would never ask anyone here for money unless people volunteered, I won't spam this board with stuff like that, I'd start with her circle of friends, and if anyone here did wish to contribute, I'd of course accept, but it hasn't even gotten to that point yet. Like I stressed, her well being is all I care about and I'm worried that I will lose her. I already lost one friend to suicide, I know the signs, I don't want to lose another.

She's seen a therapist btw... it didn't help. She got grief for it at home, he tried to push her to consult with a priest instead or something.
 
Last edited:

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
A couple other things: for the record, when this all first started the first thing I tried to do was help her repair her marriage. I gave her advice after advice on what she could try, ways to talk to him to get him to understand. They have a daughter, and her well being is my top priority. I've been through divorce when I was young, it blows. This has gone on for going on some years now. She tried to repair it, I tried to help her. I thought and so did she keeping the family together was best. And she does still love him, he's her first and only person she's ever been with, but eventually things just got so dark, the dam just broke.

The other thing is, and this probably doesn't change much regardless, but one detail I'm having trouble remembering right that I don't want to misrepresent is I'm not sure how crazy the church is. I know the church is what brought him into the religion, but after one of the posters asked the name of the church it made me question whether I had that part of it right. It started with going to the church and being around super religious types, but I do know at some point his family stepped in(who also frequent the church) and really piled on with the propaganda. I've seen the family's instagram and Facebook posts, they are the type of people who yell at strangers for not taking The Rapture seriously and going after homosexuals and stuff. The only thing I'm unclear on is if the church itself preaches that stuff too, or if the church merely got him started on turning to religion and then his family carried him the rest of the way. I've been bombarded with so much of this over the past few years that's one detail I'm hazy on right now. Regardless, he's where he is now, how he got there no longer matters much.
 
Last edited:

NickFire

Gold Member
Mar 12, 2014
5,437
4,326
735
I don't feel that she did push relationship boundaries. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would not be comfortable with their woman(or vice versa) being really close with someone of the opposite sex, and if so that is their right I can't say they're wrong, but I also don't think it's wrong for two people of the opposite sex to be close friends. Both things can be true. If you love your spouse and trust them and you know that friend makes them happy and helps them and gives them love and support, then if you truly love your spouse you would want them to remain friends with them. At least I would. And if that ends up leading to something bigger and them cheating then I'd operate under the fact that our marriage was never gonna work anyway if she didn't have it within herself to hold to her vows.

As for the second part I don't know how to answer it by saying do you have any super close friends and someone asks you "How do you know they aren't _____?" whether it be secretly having an affair or doing drugs or what have you, it could be anything. Technically, I can't prove it, but I'd know. She tells me everything, stuff she's too embarrassed to tell other people. I think that trust kinda started when we first met and shared a lot of medical stories that were really personal so those borders were kinda torn down immediately.

But I think you have things a little bit wrong. She routinely tells me that she doesn't know if she can handle living there anymore without killing herself. So naturally, the first and only thing in my mind is to prevent her from causing harm to herself and getting her out of a situation she's been in that hasn't improved and has only gotten worse over a span of years now it's been.

I would never ask anyone here for money unless people volunteered, I won't spam this board with stuff like that, I'd start with her circle of friends, and if anyone here did wish to contribute, I'd of course accept, but it hasn't even gotten to that point yet. Like I stressed, her well being is all I care about and I'm worried that I will lose her. I already lost one friend to suicide, I know the signs, I don't want to lose another.

She's seen a therapist btw... it didn't help. She got grief for it at home, he tried to push her to consult with a priest instead or something.
These are all words commonly spoken by cheating spouses to romantic interests: I can't live without you. I'll die if I have to stay here. I want to leave but there is no place to go. I want to leave but can't without the children. She is saying 3 of 4.

And staying in regular contact with a man who was her husband's friend, and who now wants her to leave him, and who describes her like this:
It’s more like brother sister love. She’s pretty but it’s just not like that. I can get why for most guys and maybe girls too why that may be rare or whatever, but maybe that’s part of the reason why we bonded. Because we can be super close without any sexual feelings. She’s always been there for me and was there for me at my absolute darkest times and several years ago when I was very very ill and kinda came close to dying and she’s just awesome and I love her to death, but not romantically.
well sir, that's about as inappropriate as it gets, until the conversation becomes full on sex talk.
 

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
Dude, walk away. You are making me angry and she's not even my wife. Find a nice girl and court her. It will help with the pain of losing this friend. Walk away!!!
I'm already seeing someone. Casually, but still seeing each other nonetheless. I'm currently satisfied with my romantic situation, but walking away is something I would never ever do, unless she asked me to. Not just her, but for any friend I love and care about. I truly do appreciate taking the time for input, but that is not going to happen, it's not even a consideration. This is who I am and have been for 35 years, for better or for worse.
 

Barsinister

Member
Jan 16, 2008
1,644
2,502
1,285
USA
I'm already seeing someone. Casually, but still seeing each other nonetheless. I'm currently satisfied with my romantic situation, but walking away is something I would never ever do, unless she asked me to. Not just her, but for any friend I love and care about. I truly do appreciate taking the time for input, but that is not going to happen, it's not even a consideration. This is who I am and have been for 35 years, for better or for worse.
Have you even seen this kid in person? I am really trying to imagine some guy in another state saying MY child was his top priority. I am frigging angry just thinking about it! Stop casually seeing this other someone and get serious. You are thirty-five? Do you want to be an old dad? Start your OWN family and worry about them.

You are much too old to be acting like this, in my opinion. Leave this family alone while they are still intact. It is not for you to pry. Don't try to justify it in your head, "Oh, she's my friend."
She is someone you were once close to and now you're not. Are you still this close with everyone you've been close to in the past? Like your kindergarten pal? He is still a big part of your life?

I'm just trying to understand why how you feel about this woman's marriage is more important that her husband's. It is strange to me.
 
  • Like
Reactions: NickFire

NickFire

Gold Member
Mar 12, 2014
5,437
4,326
735
I'm already seeing someone. Casually, but still seeing each other nonetheless. I'm currently satisfied with my romantic situation, but walking away is something I would never ever do, unless she asked me to. Not just her, but for any friend I love and care about. I truly do appreciate taking the time for input, but that is not going to happen, it's not even a consideration. This is who I am and have been for 35 years, for better or for worse.
We all get what this is about. And it isn't platonic friendship, love for the child who you want growing up in a broken family, or concern for your original friend whose marriage you are assaulting.
 

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
Nothing I have done is creepy or inappropriate, I'm sorry, but I will defend myself when it needs to be done. I have done absolutely nothing wrong. I know it's only been a few people here who have said this, so it doesn't apply to everyone who posted obviously, but you either have misinterpreted things I said, or I haven't told them as accurately as I could have, but I've been nothing but a good friend who has helped someone in their time of greatest need.

Obviously everyone has their own ideas on what is "right" and "wrong" in relationships, but if you think that I've done is creepy or inappriopriate, I shudder to learn of your relationship etiquette.
 

Tesseract

Crushed by Thanos
Dec 7, 2008
39,632
15,062
1,395
a lot of people value individuality and family, don't take kindly to excessive prying
 

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
Have you even seen this kid in person? I am really trying to imagine some guy in another state saying MY child was his top priority. I am frigging angry just thinking about it! Stop casually seeing this other someone and get serious. You are thirty-five? Do you want to be an old dad? Start your OWN family and worry about them.

You are much too old to be acting like this, in my opinion. Leave this family alone while they are still intact. It is not for you to pry. Don't try to justify it in your head, "Oh, she's my friend."
She is someone you were once close to and now you're not. Are you still this close with everyone you've been close to in the past? Like your kindergarten pal? He is still a big part of your life?

I'm just trying to understand why how you feel about this woman's marriage is more important that her husband's. It is strange to me.
I guess we just have totally different opinions of what is right or wrong for different situations, I don't know how else to put it. The way you view things seems completely and totally foreign to me, I don't even think on that plane at all.

She reached out to me for help, I did not pry. She has been crying to me and bawling her eyes out to me for months now regularly saying how badly she needs help. I'm telling you right now with absolute certainty, that if I abandoned her, she will likely take her own life. Shit, I worry about it now. I'm terrified of it.
 

Barsinister

Member
Jan 16, 2008
1,644
2,502
1,285
USA
Obviously everyone has their own ideas on what is "right" and "wrong" in relationships, but if you think that I've done is creepy or inappriopriate, I shudder to learn of your relationship etiquette.

What? There's flies on me? See anything green? Go ahead and shudder at men looking out as best they can for their own. These are trying times on people. If a man finds solace in the arms of his LORD, you have no right to judge him wrong. And this isn't about my thoughts on God, so don't confuse what it is I'm saying. He could have taken to the bottle. Then she would be in a real pickle, don't you think? All he is doing is what he thinks is right. It can't be easy for him to give up his worldly ways. Sometimes people go overboard at first. This kid across the street from me growing up, his parents didn't have a TV in the house. By the time we were teenagers, they had two!
 
  • Fire
Reactions: NickFire

NickFire

Gold Member
Mar 12, 2014
5,437
4,326
735
Nothing I have done is creepy or inappropriate, I'm sorry, but I will defend myself when it needs to be done. I have done absolutely nothing wrong. I know it's only been a few people here who have said this, so it doesn't apply to everyone who posted obviously, but you either have misinterpreted things I said, or I haven't told them as accurately as I could have, but I've been nothing but a good friend who has helped someone in their time of greatest need.

Obviously everyone has their own ideas on what is "right" and "wrong" in relationships, but if you think that I've done is creepy or inappriopriate, I shudder to learn of your relationship etiquette.
You're 35 and casually dating someone, blaming a church as justification for your role in breaking up a different woman's marriage whose husband does not physically abuse her (which you walked back a couple posts up), listing all the reasons you love her while saying its just a friends thing despite her husband being your first friend, claiming her child is your top priority when your ultimate goal is destroying the child's home, carrying on a relationship with her that your original friend objects to, and asking strangers for advice on raising funds for her to leave him because the option of trying to save the marriage is untenable for some reason.

And you shudder because we find that inappropriate???????
 
x1

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
What? There's flies on me? See anything green? Go ahead and shudder at men looking out as best they can for their own. These are trying times on people. If a man finds solace in the arms of his LORD, you have no right to judge him wrong. And this isn't about my thoughts on God, so don't confuse what it is I'm saying. He could have taken to the bottle. Then she would be in a real pickle, don't you think? All he is doing is what he thinks is right. It can't be easy for him to give up his worldly ways. Sometimes people go overboard at first. This kid across the street from me growing up, his parents didn't have a TV in the house. By the time we were teenagers, they had two!
As much as I loathe religion, and I do loathe it, I will admit that flat out, I never judge someone based on their religion. I'm judging him not because he's Christian, but because he's fucking insane, abusive, and oppressive. There's a difference. You can be religious and not freaking crazy. You can be religious and not threaten to have your wife be exorcised for demons. You are right, these are trying times. I can't imagine living in a household putting up with that every single day for almost 3 years now and since you're cut off from your friends and have to talk to them in secret, your own house is a prison. You have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no escape, no reprieve. I can't fathom a greater hell.

And if the situation were reversed and she were doing this to him, I'd be there for him in the same exact way. This is not normal. It's abusive, and wrong, and I'm not going to accept it being "someone's faith" that just doesn't cut it for me. If it does for you(and I'm not saying it does) then ok. You are your own person, but I'm not going to accept that.
 
Last edited:

Barsinister

Member
Jan 16, 2008
1,644
2,502
1,285
USA
She reached out to me for help, I did not pry. She has been crying to me and bawling her eyes out to me for months now regularly saying how badly she needs help. I'm telling you right now with absolute certainty, that if I abandoned her, she will likely take her own life. Shit, I worry about it now. I'm terrified of it.
You cannot help her, you even said so. Let her make the best of it. Maybe if you quit talking to her, she'll maybe come along again and believe like you said she was starting to do. Let her believe in a demon if it's best for her. That is the point. You are not the arbiter of this matter. If she kills herself it is not your fault. That is the truth of the matter.

I will believe you when you say you have no romantic feelings for her. Something just does not add up for me, though. I'm about to just leave you to it. Let me just say I told you so now and be done with it.
 

plane.jpg

Member
Oct 25, 2017
432
420
300
I will believe you when you say you have no romantic feelings for her. Something just does not add up for me, though. I'm about to just leave you to it. Let me just say I told you so now and be done with it.
Put me in the opposite sex shouldn’t be best friends camp. Sure, it’s not the ideal, but if you truly are best friends and sexually compatible then get married, and if not, move on, because chances are you’re going to fuck it up for the next guy.
 
  • Praise the Sun
Reactions: Barsinister

DragoonKain

Member
Nov 13, 2013
2,264
1,867
805
You're 35 and casually dating someone, blaming a church as justification for your role in breaking up a different woman's marriage whose husband does not physically abuse her (which you walked back a couple posts up), listing all the reasons you love her while saying its just a friends thing despite her husband being your first friend, claiming her child is your top priority when your ultimate goal is destroying the child's home, carrying on a relationship with her that your original friend objects to, and asking strangers for advice on raising funds for her to leave him because the option of trying to save the marriage is untenable for some reason.

And you shudder because we find that inappropriate???????
How do you think her child's home would be if her mother killed herself? The husband already destroyed the home, and is well on his way to destroying his own kid with fanatical propaganda.
Did she specify how she expects you to help her?
She has basically said "If I can find a way to get out on my own and have a steady income so I can start to rebuild my life, maybe I'll be able to survive this." And she has intimated that even with that, it will take quite a long while of therapy to get her mentally in a position to function normally again or in a normal state of mind.
 
Last edited:

plane.jpg

Member
Oct 25, 2017
432
420
300
any reason you aren't sitting down with this dude at a diner somewhere and laying it all out?
It’s not his place.

Imagine how shitty it would be for your wife’s simp to chide you for the way you handle your marriage. I haven’t seen any information on how the wife has tried to confront this situation. If she truly feels trapped, she needs to leave with the child and go to a woman and children’s center in a major city. They’ll have the resources to help her relocate and find a job. Mental abuse is still abuse.
 
  • Praise the Sun
Reactions: Barsinister

Tesseract

Crushed by Thanos
Dec 7, 2008
39,632
15,062
1,395
It’s not his place.

Imagine how shitty it would be for your wife’s simp to chide you for the way you handle your marriage. I haven’t seen any information on how the wife has tried to confront this situation. If she truly feels trapped, she needs to leave with the child and go to a woman and children’s center in a major city. They’ll have the resources to help her relocate and find a job. Mental abuse is still abuse.
bruh he was friends with the dude before the wife, what happened to loyalty and all that shizzle

'hey bro your wife has been telling me the following shit about you behind your back --> lay out information --> provide secret pentagon recordings

then peace the fuck outta there like a goddamn wizard
 
Last edited:

plane.jpg

Member
Oct 25, 2017
432
420
300
She has basically said "If I can find a way to get out on my own and have a steady income so I can start to rebuild my life, maybe I'll be able to survive this." And she has intimated that even with that, it will take quite a long while of therapy to get her mentally in a position to function normally again or in a normal state of mind.
Tell her to start documenting her situation on paper. Hide it or store it somewhere off property.

Once she has enough information help her locate a woman’s shelter that will accommodate her and her child. The shelter will take it from there. They should have the resources to help her get therapy and maybe a job.

That’s the extent of which you should be helping her.