Note: This is all from the immortal G-$$ himself Giovanni A. Peters
Friday night I was sitting outside the local Subway wearing my Civil War suit and eating my dinner when a dude I know came out of the store next to Subway. It was the little brother of a friend of mine, and he saw me and came up and started talking. Dude was pumped to be out of school in a month and a half or so for the summer and was carefree, and had rode his bike up to the strip mall. He said he was going into tenth grade next year. He respected the Civil War suit even though he wasn't familiar with Gary Puckett and the Union GAP.
He seemed like an open and honest young dude and I said, "So what are you up to this evening?"
He said, "Not much....I'll probably ride on home now and look at some porn on the internet, know what I'm sayin'?"
I go "Bwhahahaha!! Have fun, man," and sank my chompers into my Grilled Chicken Sub:
As he started pedaling off....it all hit me.
I yelled, with my mouth full of shredded lettuce and bread and chicken, "WHOA! STOP!!!"
He whirled his bike around and goes, "Huh?"
I sat up straight and swallowed my food and took a drink from my lemonade and cleared my throat, looking at him sternly while wiping bread crumbs off my Civil War suit and adjusting my collar to "lecture mode." He sat there on his bike and goes, "What's up?"
I said, "Listen to me," while wiping my mouth with my Subway napkin. "When I was your age, I had a bike......but I sure as hell didn't have the Internet. The only person who had the Internet when I was 15 was Bill fukken Gates."
I continued, my voice raising, "Imagine not being able to go home, and with the click of a button, download a video clip of a hot chick masturbating. IMAGINE not being able to download a pic of swimsuit models. TRY TO FUKKEN imagine not even having the MTV videos as pornographic as they have become. You know why? Because I guaranDAMNtee it that you wouldn't have resorted to jerking off to a sweaty Christina Aguilera bobbing her ass down in a schoolgirl skirt. No, instead you'd having nothing more than Amy Grant's Baby, Baby video, son, and YOU BETTER FUKKEN BELIEVE that I got my jerk on to that thing. And Mariah Carey? You have no idea, buddy- you think she was mashing her tits together and waving her ass at you while wearing Daisy Dukes in her music videos in the early 90's? FUKK NO! She was fully clothed and swinging on swings. And I jerked to that video, too. Alyssa Milano wasn't going spread eagle in Maxims either dude. She was on 'Who's The Boss' and never exposed more than a fukken pair of hot biceps. That's right- I blasted spooge to biceps...
Her FUKKEN BICEPS!!!!"
Dude was still cracking up but paying attention.
I said, "I can promise you that we had to wait and wait and wait to get a good shot of Kelly fukken Bundy to drop our drawers. You may flip right past Baywatch re-runs now, dude, but back then I was muting the TV in my parents basement to blow a pent-up load to Melrose Place, dude."
At this point dude was cracking up and going, "Holy shit, man, that's too much!"
I stood up and said, "YOU LISTEN TO ME!"
"You take it for granted this Internet porn, but it is a privilege and NOT a right, son."
I continued, "When I was your age we had to fork over money to homeless fukks outside the convenience store and give them enough to buy themselves malt liquor and buy us a damn porn rag, and it took balls just to do that. I once pleaded with the Sam's convenience store clerk to sell me a damn Hustler. I put my pride on the line and made a fukken IDIOT out of myself just to get some material to jerk to!"
"You didn't have the Internet did you..." the kid said, humbled.
I took another chug of lemonade and said, "Boy, one time I was riding my bike down an alley and saw where someone had thrown out a couple boxes of Sports Illustrated magazines. Now if you saw those today you've ride past them. But I thumbed through both boxes and there was no swimsuit issue. Then I scoured through each magazine and came up with some Kristi Yamaguchi pics- that's it. I jerked to Gooch for a week straight, dude! For the next several weeks that summer, I was filled with the hope that some fukker was going to throw out his collection of Penthouses. I pedaled my ass off in 90-degree weather, looking in trashcans and coming up empty. I was LUCKY enough to find NOT a Victoria's Secret catalog, but a J. Crew Women's spring catalog! That was gold, dude. The best I could find was a FUKKEN pic of a chick wearing Spring gear!!"
Not swimsuits," I said. "Hell no. That would have been too easy. The world didn't work that way back then. Just shorts. You had to EARN your jerk. I fukken sneaked into the basement steps of a middle school and jerked off to a J. FUKKEN CREW MAGAZINE!"
A couple women were walking out of Subway with their drinks and overheard me and one of them looked back with anger and said, "That's just wonderful."
I just glared at her with nobility as they walked off.
I told the kid, "My challenge to you is to unplug your computer for THREE WEEKS, and see what kind of material you can come up with. You'll be like Henry David Thoreau at fukken Walden Pond, dude. One with nature and possibly capitalizing off having a hot teacher giving you summer school sessions. Dude, when I was a teenager I had parents drop me off at the movies to watch 'Sliver' even though I told them I was going to see some Billy Crystal flick. I carried in a polyester cloth, wrapped it around my johnson, and rubbed one out while fully clothed to Sharon Stone's bare tits. You think that's sad? You don't know the extremes, dude! The summer when I was 14, I did the SAME THING at the movie 'Cool World' so that I could beat off to a cartoon character with Kim Basinger's voice."
The kid goes, "You beat it to 'Cool World'???????"
Like Jack Nicholson admitting he called for Code Red in A Few Good Men, I pounded my fist on the table and screamed, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DID!"
I regrouped my temper and said, "The only thing sadder than that is your generation- the generation that takes net porn for granted and fails to recognize the generation before that had to subscribe to Playboys and use the address of an abandoned house, and then drive past said abandoned house every week to see if the FUKKEN porn rag was on the steps. No dice. No dice, son. Nothing but beating off to classy women wearing Spring slacks in a J. Fukken Crew magazine. That or hoping that the hot brunette on Sesame Street was wearing a tight shirt."
I threw the rest of my sandwich away, grabbed my drink and got up to leave. "Take my challenge, son," I said. "Take my challenge."
He goes, "Ok, Giovanni!"
I looked back and stared with nobility and encouragement and one last word of advice:
"You gotta earn your fukken jerk, son. You gotta earn your fukken jerk."
I tossed my drink in the trashcan and walked away.
Sincerely,
Giovanni Peters
Cheetos
Friday night I was sitting outside the local Subway wearing my Civil War suit and eating my dinner when a dude I know came out of the store next to Subway. It was the little brother of a friend of mine, and he saw me and came up and started talking. Dude was pumped to be out of school in a month and a half or so for the summer and was carefree, and had rode his bike up to the strip mall. He said he was going into tenth grade next year. He respected the Civil War suit even though he wasn't familiar with Gary Puckett and the Union GAP.
He seemed like an open and honest young dude and I said, "So what are you up to this evening?"
He said, "Not much....I'll probably ride on home now and look at some porn on the internet, know what I'm sayin'?"
I go "Bwhahahaha!! Have fun, man," and sank my chompers into my Grilled Chicken Sub:
As he started pedaling off....it all hit me.
I yelled, with my mouth full of shredded lettuce and bread and chicken, "WHOA! STOP!!!"
He whirled his bike around and goes, "Huh?"
I sat up straight and swallowed my food and took a drink from my lemonade and cleared my throat, looking at him sternly while wiping bread crumbs off my Civil War suit and adjusting my collar to "lecture mode." He sat there on his bike and goes, "What's up?"
I said, "Listen to me," while wiping my mouth with my Subway napkin. "When I was your age, I had a bike......but I sure as hell didn't have the Internet. The only person who had the Internet when I was 15 was Bill fukken Gates."
I continued, my voice raising, "Imagine not being able to go home, and with the click of a button, download a video clip of a hot chick masturbating. IMAGINE not being able to download a pic of swimsuit models. TRY TO FUKKEN imagine not even having the MTV videos as pornographic as they have become. You know why? Because I guaranDAMNtee it that you wouldn't have resorted to jerking off to a sweaty Christina Aguilera bobbing her ass down in a schoolgirl skirt. No, instead you'd having nothing more than Amy Grant's Baby, Baby video, son, and YOU BETTER FUKKEN BELIEVE that I got my jerk on to that thing. And Mariah Carey? You have no idea, buddy- you think she was mashing her tits together and waving her ass at you while wearing Daisy Dukes in her music videos in the early 90's? FUKK NO! She was fully clothed and swinging on swings. And I jerked to that video, too. Alyssa Milano wasn't going spread eagle in Maxims either dude. She was on 'Who's The Boss' and never exposed more than a fukken pair of hot biceps. That's right- I blasted spooge to biceps...
Her FUKKEN BICEPS!!!!"
Dude was still cracking up but paying attention.
I said, "I can promise you that we had to wait and wait and wait to get a good shot of Kelly fukken Bundy to drop our drawers. You may flip right past Baywatch re-runs now, dude, but back then I was muting the TV in my parents basement to blow a pent-up load to Melrose Place, dude."
At this point dude was cracking up and going, "Holy shit, man, that's too much!"
I stood up and said, "YOU LISTEN TO ME!"
"You take it for granted this Internet porn, but it is a privilege and NOT a right, son."
I continued, "When I was your age we had to fork over money to homeless fukks outside the convenience store and give them enough to buy themselves malt liquor and buy us a damn porn rag, and it took balls just to do that. I once pleaded with the Sam's convenience store clerk to sell me a damn Hustler. I put my pride on the line and made a fukken IDIOT out of myself just to get some material to jerk to!"
"You didn't have the Internet did you..." the kid said, humbled.
I took another chug of lemonade and said, "Boy, one time I was riding my bike down an alley and saw where someone had thrown out a couple boxes of Sports Illustrated magazines. Now if you saw those today you've ride past them. But I thumbed through both boxes and there was no swimsuit issue. Then I scoured through each magazine and came up with some Kristi Yamaguchi pics- that's it. I jerked to Gooch for a week straight, dude! For the next several weeks that summer, I was filled with the hope that some fukker was going to throw out his collection of Penthouses. I pedaled my ass off in 90-degree weather, looking in trashcans and coming up empty. I was LUCKY enough to find NOT a Victoria's Secret catalog, but a J. Crew Women's spring catalog! That was gold, dude. The best I could find was a FUKKEN pic of a chick wearing Spring gear!!"
Not swimsuits," I said. "Hell no. That would have been too easy. The world didn't work that way back then. Just shorts. You had to EARN your jerk. I fukken sneaked into the basement steps of a middle school and jerked off to a J. FUKKEN CREW MAGAZINE!"
A couple women were walking out of Subway with their drinks and overheard me and one of them looked back with anger and said, "That's just wonderful."
I just glared at her with nobility as they walked off.
I told the kid, "My challenge to you is to unplug your computer for THREE WEEKS, and see what kind of material you can come up with. You'll be like Henry David Thoreau at fukken Walden Pond, dude. One with nature and possibly capitalizing off having a hot teacher giving you summer school sessions. Dude, when I was a teenager I had parents drop me off at the movies to watch 'Sliver' even though I told them I was going to see some Billy Crystal flick. I carried in a polyester cloth, wrapped it around my johnson, and rubbed one out while fully clothed to Sharon Stone's bare tits. You think that's sad? You don't know the extremes, dude! The summer when I was 14, I did the SAME THING at the movie 'Cool World' so that I could beat off to a cartoon character with Kim Basinger's voice."
The kid goes, "You beat it to 'Cool World'???????"
Like Jack Nicholson admitting he called for Code Red in A Few Good Men, I pounded my fist on the table and screamed, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DID!"
I regrouped my temper and said, "The only thing sadder than that is your generation- the generation that takes net porn for granted and fails to recognize the generation before that had to subscribe to Playboys and use the address of an abandoned house, and then drive past said abandoned house every week to see if the FUKKEN porn rag was on the steps. No dice. No dice, son. Nothing but beating off to classy women wearing Spring slacks in a J. Fukken Crew magazine. That or hoping that the hot brunette on Sesame Street was wearing a tight shirt."
I threw the rest of my sandwich away, grabbed my drink and got up to leave. "Take my challenge, son," I said. "Take my challenge."
He goes, "Ok, Giovanni!"
I looked back and stared with nobility and encouragement and one last word of advice:
"You gotta earn your fukken jerk, son. You gotta earn your fukken jerk."
I tossed my drink in the trashcan and walked away.
Sincerely,
Giovanni Peters
Cheetos