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I think my GF is trying to gaslight me and i'm losing my mind

SafeOrAlone

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May 22, 2018
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Sorry about the trip and the situation.

my read of the situation is that deep, deep, down she prob knows is wrong but you have likely proven you will react to her poor behavior (i.e “what’s wrong??”, making her eggs, initiating calls when she has been consistently giving you the cold shoulder)
It’s some brat shit, honestly. Some people condition themselves to behave that way because it works.

honestly, I’d never put up with someone treating me that way. Maybe the occasional “off day” can happen, if apologies are sincere, but as a consistent form of behavior? Hellll no. People lose respect for you when you let them treat you this way.

my buddy got trampled on by his ex, who was a true narcissist. She did things like this but constantly, and was generally known to be a bitch. He was at her beck and call until the divorce took place about a year after their marriage. She cheated on him with the best man of the wedding.
 
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Evil Calvin

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After just reading the first few paragraphs it's clear she is not for you (or anybody really). Any relationship/marriage will end bad and be miserable. Believe me ....if it's this bad now (after only 9 months) it will get MUCH worse down the road. Don't waste your energy on this person.

And after reading the whole thing again.......she IS a major bitch, psycho and is NOT normal. Don't waste your sanity and energy. Move on.......please!
 
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ClanOfNone

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I dunno where I heard it, might have been my old man, but "A good relationship will compliment your life, not complicate it."


Also,


"You can't fix crazy."
 
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nush

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A long haul flight from wherever you are.
I don’t think we should paint with too broad a brush. They can be helpful for some people. I tried them a long time ago when I was at a low point. I didn’t really find them beneficial, but I’ve seen them help people. It is important not to look at the pills as the solution but rather as a tool to help make it easier for a depressed person fix the underlying issues in their life.

Of course I know that, I'm not talking in absolutes. Like you I also had a short period of depression a long time ago, took my pills then one day "The clouds cleared" and I got the fuck off those pills cold turkey. Anyway, don't want to side track this topic any more.
 
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nush

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A long haul flight from wherever you are.
I think you should break up.
 

Orpheum

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Sorry about the trip and the situation.

my read of the situation is that deep, deep, down she prob knows is wrong but you have likely proven you will react to her poor behavior (i.e “what’s wrong??”, making her eggs, initiating calls when she has been consistently giving you the cold shoulder)
It’s some brat shit, honestly. Some people condition themselves to behave that way because it works.


honestly, I’d never put up with someone treating me that way. Maybe the occasional “off day” can happen, if apologies are sincere, but as a consistent form of behavior? Hellll no. People lose respect for you when you let them treat you this way.

my buddy got trampled on by his ex, who was a true narcissist. She did things like this but constantly, and was generally known to be a bitch. He was at her beck and call until the divorce took place about a year after their marriage. She cheated on him with the best man of the wedding.

You're absolutely and 100% right with this. nothing to argue about here.
 

Tschumi

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Jul 4, 2020
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Mate... I have no real idea about your girl's background but I'll just offer this take, based as it is on my own deal.

First of all, i suspect applying an internet label like 'gaslight' is doing her a disservice and simplifying what she's going through.

Anyway to my take:

a) She's a bit young, I know a lot of people wouldn't really agree with that but uni age men and women are usually a half decade or so off being fully emotionally and mentally prepared to be totally into someone in a non-narcissistic sorta way (no guarantees that any one person is ever gonna get there lol). I say this to start with because it may just be the case that she's not ready to address her problems, and that might mean anything you try would be a bit of a waste of time...

b) people don't just act the way she's acting. she could have gone through serious childhood trauma, she could have had awful parents or awful siblings, she's clearly gone through something that has eroded her ability to trust and her ability to value herself.

c) re: b), the general symptoms of the kinda things I've described above are neediness, high maintenance, huge mood swings, negative fixation, testing and skepticism about loved ones/close others. Seems to me she's pretty textbook for those signs.

d) unless you really care about this girl, you might want to friendzone her and focus on helping her be happier, rather than trying to be a replacement family for her. I don't even know if that's possible, you might have to clear out, but she needs time, and someone who sees something in her that can't be obscured by the toxicity.

e) i don't think her recent history of being 'diagnosed' and receiving therapy is the best thing for her self image. Labelling themselves as someone who needs therapy and/or medication can be really destructive when someone struggles to label themselves with positive things. They'll cling to their 'broken' designation stubbornly.

f) this situation can be fixed, generally u need to distance them from their 'breakers' (i.e. shit family, if that's the case) and constantly underline positive aspects of their daily life, and deal with it when she has dips (if she does have family trouble, beware any trips back there and gird yourself for a slog). but again this takes years and real resilience on your part, so maybe ur not up for that.
 
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Jun 26, 2008
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Trips are the fucking worst, and despite her apparent personality flaws, she is right that you need to chillout on these intricate trips with tight timing an 9 days of effort.
 
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Winter John

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My advice to any young guy starting out is to date poor chicks. They appreciate shit. Girls from good homes who have opportunities aren’t going to be impressed with whatever bullshit you come up with. Date poverty. I learned this when I met a girl from the South Bronx. A holiday to her was a ride on the 4 train and a slice of pizza. Find a poor chick. Yes, you’ll probably get robbed and shot, a number of times, but it’s worth it.
 

p_xavier

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My advice to any young guy starting out is to date poor chicks. They appreciate shit. Girls from good homes who have opportunities aren’t going to be impressed with whatever bullshit you come up with. Date poverty. I learned this when I met a girl from the South Bronx. A holiday to her was a ride on the 4 train and a slice of pizza. Find a poor chick. Yes, you’ll probably get robbed and shot, a number of times, but it’s worth it.
Totally agree with that. I went to prom with this highly intelligent girl, she didn't even had electricity at her house because of her dodgy dad who didn't pay. She's now a doctor and still keeps touch and is low profile.
 
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Days like these...

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Honestly i'm sitting here at work, completely distraught and i can't concentrate on anything for shit. Some outside perspective would be highly appreciated. i apologize in advance for the length, i guess writing all of this will also help me to sort out my thoughts.

Some Background info. My GF is 25 and i'm 28, together for 3,5 years. She suffers from depression but goes to therapy and takes medication which helped a ton. When we started dating we hit a really rough patch 9 months in. she was failing her uni classes and saw me at fault for everything, she started arguments over nothing and ultimately ended the relationship which she regretted 2 days after and came crawling back. This was before she went to therapy... so i denied getting back together until she decided to seek out help. She did and around half a year later we were back to dating and things had been alright since then. That was until last week where everything went to shit.

We started planning a trip to Sweden (8 days of canoeing) with a group of friends earlier this year. All about who would be coming along, where exactly we would go and how long we were travelling was well known to everyone as we discussed everything extensively in a whatsapp group she was also a part of, although she didn't contribute much (which is ok btw). Me and a friend did most of the planning but kept everyone up to date. Her interaction was limited to the absolute minimum, aside from bitching to me in private when she was unsure of a descision. It all came to a head the first time a week before our trip when she told me in private how much she hates the entire planning process and how she could have gone on an all inclusive beach vacation with the money it costs her to do this trip (keep in mind that she was the first one i told about the trip, and she was more than happy to come along. Moreso she told me how mad she would have been if she wasn't invited along). I apoogized to her about the -in her eyes- messed up planning process and how long it took...even though i wasn't sorry about it in the slightest to be honest. It all worked out well and please keep in mind i did all of this next to my full time job, i can't bend reality to plan everything in 2 days as i was trying to make it work for everyone included. In regards to money i can see where she's coming from but to be honest it doesn't really fly with me. She still lives at home, so no rent, i paid for most of the food/drinks whenever we went out (occasionally she paid), and she was working two well paying jobs next to her very few remaining uni classes so she saved up a lot.

So about the group... In total we were 8 people (her and i included) and she knew every single person who was coming along. I was trying my absolute best to include her in the friend group for the entirety orf our 3,5 yr long relationship but this didn't really work out. She's not really a peoples person and talking to humans has always been difficult for her. I didn't pressure her to do anything, let me be clear about that. However whenever plans were made i tried to include her, if she refused to go, no big deal. I always tried to balance my friend circle and the relationship to the best of my abilities.

About the trip... The first 2 days were great but that quickly changed. Seemingly from one day to the other she started signaling to me that she wants to be left alone... i can't really explain it but i was met with snarky side comments, passive aggressive answers and crying for no reason. I was trying to get through to her when it got worse but she completely shut down ("babe pls tell me what's wrong" - "nothing, now go away"). When i finally managed she started to cry and told me she feels left out by the group, we're all egotistical, talking only about trash/non intellectual shit, and she hates every single second of this trip. So let me adress every point one by one...

She feels left out
I also talked about this with my best mate, both him and i were shocked. I knew everyone was extremely polite to her but my friend told me all of the others had the same feeling: That she wants to be left alone, she was signaling it to everyone! i thought i was at fault for not trying to include her more but he made me see it the way it is. she pushed herself out of the group by acting cold, distant and passive aggressive and yet everyone was still nice to her.

We're egotstical
I honestly don't even fucking know where to start. That's the biggest bs i've ever heard. First of all she was the only vegetarian in the group and yet every. single. meal. we cooked on a day to day basis was vegetarian. She also mentioned she felt left out of day to day activities (fishing, collecting mushrooms etc). Now listen to me, whenever someone announced they would go out in the woods they announced it loud and clear, same with everything else. People joined or didn't join whatever they felt like, i was also left out of fishing once...so what? She never opened her mouth to say she wants to come along and i refuse to be her mom and beg for her to join. She's an adult after all and she has the capability to speak. Every person included is extremely nice, open and wecoming in general. The funniest thing is that one of my mates met my other friends for the very first time and he managed to make some new good friends out of this, it's definitely not the group.

She hates every second
As i stated in the beginning. Everyone was aware of what the trip would be like and who is included. She fucking knew what she was getting herself into and yet she still complained

We only talk about stupid shit
First of all get out of here. All of us (aside from her) work full time jobs and have to be professional on a day to day basis. When i'm on vacation i want to relax and not worry about work or politics so let me talk about trash. It's clear she wants to be more intellectual and her sense of humor just didn't align. This made me realize more than anything that she just doesn't fit with the whole group dynamic. And still we changed subjects when she joined in to not make her feel left out, my friends honestly did a great job of switching between being professional and being stupid xD


It all got worse.. after this she started to either not talk to me for extended periods of time or being extremely passive aggressive. I won't go into all of what happened afterwards but two occasions are still etched into my mind. One morning i was making breakfast for everyone and she was still in the tent, refusing to come out. I miscalculated the amount and one person had to be without scrambled eggs. I took my portion and gave it to her in the tent. A couple of minutes later she crawled out and said "who tf put this food into my tent" with a disgusted look on her face. She smelled it and said "i can't eat this shit". Now look....if you're not hungry i get it but one can be a lot nicer about it. It really hurt me to be honest. i was always trying to comfort her and make the experience better for her.

The second instance was on the last day. One kilometre before our final sleeping point we got into a heavy thunderstorm. My mates gf wasn't feeling safe so we went ashore and sought out shelter until the worst was over. My GF was complaining the whole time about what the fuck we're doing and that we should keep going. I was shocked beyond belief. Being in the middle of a lake with boats made of aluminium while a thunderstorm is roaring is stupid enough as is but as soon as someone feels unsafe it's no longer about what YOU feel is right to do...it's what THEY think is the right thing to do. Talk about egotistical. It only took 20 minutes until we were safe to keep going so what's the big deal.

So yeah and it keeps going. After we returned home I was made aware of some of the shit she told my friends while i was absent collecting firewood or something, and i honest to god just wanted to apologize profousely to my friends. but they all declined saying it wasn't my fault so we good...

The entire way home starting from the hostel, to the airport to our home airport she didn't say a word to me. I tried to initiate contact but she ignored me. I figured that she may need some time for herself or venting to her mother, and i'm going to call her after a day. So last week on tuesday we all got home at 10am. I left her alone for the day and didn't try to contact her. I decided to call her on wednesday at around 6pm, She didn't answer. I talked to my mom about it and she told me to just stop running after her like a dog and let her do the next step which is really hard for me as i have a habit of trying to sort things out as quickly as possible. But she was right...before the trip we had an argument which i tried to talk to her about, she straight up refused, i called her 6 times back then and the only thing i got in return was a text message saying "did someone die or what" we never cleared the air....

So yeah i didn't hear anything back from her for a week now and i was a mess mentally. Until monday i looked like a fucking Zombie, i couldn't sleep and barely eat. I was so incredibly disappointed that she didn't even text me "hey i saw your call but i still need time until we can talk", after 3,5 years she couldn't even do that one simple thing.

However i took the opportunity to take a good hard look at our relationship and if i want to continue. The answer is no. I'm not the right person for her, she needs someone who is all eyes for her (however in my opinion she's not even close to being ready for a committed relationship). For me it's important that my GF at least gets along with my friends, she doesn't. Her personality is incredibly difficult and i honestly can't take it anymore. Even if it's her mental illness that's responsible for this outburst i can't go on like this. In my opinion a person is STILL responsible for their actions or what they say during a depressive episode. there is something extremely flawed in our relationship which is beyond repair and since she went no contact, i was hoping she saw it the same way.

until yesterday night when i got a text from her at 10:30pm saying quote "Do you ever plan on talking to me again or what?" Like what the fuck is this shit. It's disrespectful, cowardly and goddamn childish to send this goddamn awful message to me at night. I don't even know what reality she lives in and if she even realizes what she is doing. I'm not even worth a fucking call. Like seriously is she the only person that exists in her world or is she aware that there are other people around her? I think this is so extremely terrible because she completely victimizes herself and is sure about me being the asshole in this entire situation. Im absolutely sure she expects an apology and is certain we can continue like nothing happened. Like dude I CALLED YOU LAST WEEK and you're coming at me with this trash response. I'm just unable to put into words how i feel right now. Either she really is completely clueless or she absolutely knows what she's doing because she's getting scared of what my next step might be and now tries to manipulate her way back. My descision is set, separation is inevitable, i'm just so extremely drained. I don't even know how to answer her message.


I guess this tuned into a rant and less of a question but i still want to thank anyone who read this
I know exactly how you feel. Get out before it's too late. Trust me I speak from experience.
 

Orpheum

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Trips are the fucking worst, and despite her apparent personality flaws, she is right that you need to chillout on these intricate trips with tight timing an 9 days of effort.

I think you got that wrong. She was insisting to come along and she knew what she was getting into. timing was never tight and we were never in a rush, it was as chill as it could get
 
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Jun 26, 2008
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I think you got that wrong. She was insisting to come along and she knew what she was getting into. timing was never tight and we were never in a rush, it was as chill as it could get
I stand corrected. Count me in the group that serious cash for adventure russles my vacation jimmies.
 
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Tschumi

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Trips are the fucking worst, and despite her apparent personality flaws, she is right that you need to chillout on these intricate trips with tight timing an 9 days of effort.
Totally agree, i once went on a trip with a bunch of SE Asian acquaintances a short time after breaking up with a 5 year girlfriend and it was so weird... they were all from a different ethnic group and the whole posse kinda morphed into a weird, sexless family with a huffy dad always driving and a nagging mum directing everything...

.. i had no other choice, i refused to comply with whatever family role they had saved up for me and, well they kinda met me half way but i bet I'm the last self-assured white dude they took on one of those trips
 
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I think there is some viewing material of a similar situation that you are in which may be of assistance. It is called Midsommar. Does not end well for you.
 
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AJUMP23

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My advice to any young guy starting out is to date poor chicks. They appreciate shit. Girls from good homes who have opportunities aren’t going to be impressed with whatever bullshit you come up with. Date poverty. I learned this when I met a girl from the South Bronx. A holiday to her was a ride on the 4 train and a slice of pizza. Find a poor chick. Yes, you’ll probably get robbed and shot, a number of times, but it’s worth it.
 

ClanOfNone

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Run and be grateful you never got married or had kids. Especially the not having kids part.

lol, this as well. I had two beautiful daughters with Crazy. Then after a battle with alcoholism and a custody fight that quite literally almost killed me, I got sober AND sole custody.
Good times were had by all, 10/10 would do it again a million times for my girls.
 

MastaKiiLA

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Rule #1: If you feel like making a long post about a relationship on a gaming forum, find the exit ASAP.

Rule #2: See Rule #1.

Not much else I can add. I didn't even read the full OP, just skimmed part of it. Find another gf who doesn't make you post about her on a gaming forum. I'm certain there's at least 1 out there...at least 1.
 

8bitpill

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Pretty much everything that has been said in this post has been pretty spot on.

You know what to do at this point and it's going to be hard because you've spent almost half a decade with this woman.

Mentally you've been abused. This might be a little insight into what she is going through in her head and she is projecting it onto you and others you're around.

It's cliché but you will be way happier once you're free of that thought of being locked into the state you're with her currently.

 
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John Bilbo

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I think she needs help and you cannot help her. She needs to figure that shit out by herself. Godspeed, Orpheum!
 

12Goblins

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sounds like a manipulative ingrate that always wants to bethe center of attention, thinks the world revolves around her, that nothing is ever good enough, and blames everyone else for feeling this way. ultimately she sounds unhappy.

these people have low emotionally intelligence and have developed poor coping skills. Bail.
 
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Romulus

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Let me ask you this. Would you be friends with someone like her? Probably not right? So all she has to offer is sex at that point.
 

Thaedolus

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Absolutely not

Rip that bandaid off. Don’t try to be friends, don’t try to let it fade slowly, don’t give it more chances. Do tell her face to face and why so she can have “closure,” but that’s all you really owe her at that point. And if she tries to reel you back in and she sounds like she’s making sense, don’t fall for it, because you’ll be right back where you are now after a couple weeks/months.

Cut her off and get some rebound nook with some easy girls who you’ll just need some beer goggles for.
 

ymoc

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Rule #1: If you feel like making a long post about a relationship on a gaming forum, find the exit ASAP.

Rule #2: See Rule #1.

Not much else I can add. I didn't even read the full OP, just skimmed part of it. Find another gf who doesn't make you post about her on a gaming forum. I'm certain there's at least 1 out there...at least 1.
I'm sure that sounded way better in your head. What it really sounds like is just a wise-ass ramble of a college edgelord.
Dude is in a tight spot out there, he don't need your snark.
Is it too much to be a bro to a fellow gaffer?
Maybe YOU should find the exit ASAP.
 
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CrankyJay™

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As a normal human being, I have no idea what gaslighting means.
It’s basically when someone manipulates you makes you question your own judgements and reality, whether it’s intentional or not.

It’s emotional abuse.
 
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Dr.Morris79

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Orpheum, all I got from this is that the girl is utterly whack, by the sound of it you've give her immature arse the boot which is the best thing you could have done. When you're and old fart like me you'll realise and be thankful for it..

and secondly, your trips sound brilliant. I want trips like that! :messenger_tears_of_joy:
 
Nov 29, 2016
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I feel for you OP but it sounds like you have already come to the correct decision; it took too long for you to come to this decision but better late than never.

Honestly she sounds like a narcissist.
 

Nobody_Important

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To be honest Orpheum Orpheum it just sounds like you're very unhappy in your situation. But the advice that I was given by my dad and my grandpa for this kind of thing is pretty simple.

If she pisses you off twice as many times as she makes you happy in a short period of time then it's time to take a step back and reevaluate the relationship. Life is too short to spend it being bitter and angry at the person who was supposed to be making you happy.


Now keep in mind I am just a name on a page on the internet. I am not a relationship counselor.
 

synchronicity

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She just sounds so deeply wounded and insecure - probably from early childhood, like most all deep scars.

If you want to be with someone like that, all you can do is reassure them that you love them, but it will likely never be enough. She's got her own work to do, and maybe she'll never sort it out.
 
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Orpheum

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Orpheum, all I got from this is that the girl is utterly whack, by the sound of it you've give her immature arse the boot which is the best thing you could have done. When you're and old fart like me you'll realise and be thankful for it..

and secondly, your trips sound brilliant. I want trips like that! :messenger_tears_of_joy:
It definitely was amazing. We were canoeing for 8 days in the south of Hällefors, camping in the wild, collecting mushrooms, fishing, cooking together, campfires. Can't even describe how beautiful the nature was. And not a single soul aside from us anywhere to be seen. As requested below i'll use the thread and gladly post some pictures once the breakup is over.
That trip sounds incredible, post some pictures