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[Fudgepuppy]

We went out drinking yesterday, when a friend of mine starts talking about this girl he's madly in love with. They became really good friends over a longer period of time, during which she was in relationship with a guy in a different country. She decided to move to the boyfriend, but right after she had gotten all the tickets, quit her job, and gotten a new job in this country, he broke up with her.

She was heartbroken, and he supported her like he always did, because they are truly great friends. She still moves there because she needs some change, and they still keep in touch regularly, calling each other, texting and talking. Supporting each other.

So when we were talking, my friend confessed that he can't stop thinking about her, and that he smiles every time he thinks about her, how he was planning on quitting his job to move to her. That for the first time in his life, he felt willing to step out of his comfort zone and risk it all, just for a chance to be with her.

But things came crashing down when she told him that she and her ex, had gotten back together again.

Apparently they're taking things slow now, one day at a time, but my friend is still pretty sad about it, understandably.

So he asks us, "Should I tell her how I feel? She's been telling me that she wants me to move there, even get an apartment together, texting that she misses me. I have a feeling that there's a part of her that wants to be with me, but her boyfriend is the guy she said she would marry; the only person that made her truly happy, so is it selfish of me to tell her?".

I didn't know what to say, but my other friend said it would be selfish of him, and that it's just better to move on.

What does GAF say?

 

[Wanda/Wander]

Yeah

 

[TheOnlyOneHeEverFeared]

I don't know if its selfish, but I would definitely tell her. Regret the things you didn't do and all that.

 

[MIMIC]

Listen to Monica, Rachel.

 

[Jonneh3003]

Yeah it is a little. They could be in a happy relationship and this could sabotage that.

 

[norinrad]

Pretty much yes.

 

[Draper]

Yeppers

 

[Stuggernaut]

Yep, it is. I did it once, bad idea. And while I did not completely lose that "friendship" it was forever tainted.

 

[3rdman]

This is literally the plot for The Last American Virgin.

 

[Dandy Lyin]

100% yes.

 

[theofficefan99]

Uh, duh.

You can't force things like that. And when you do, you're hoping that this person will stop their current life in order to do what you want.

Either it happens naturally or it doesn't.

Please convince your friend to not do it. He will regret it.

Though, knowing how love works, if the heart is feeling crazy or desperate you'll end up getting the crazy or desperate out of your system even if you know better.

 

[Breads]

It is profoundly selfish.

 

[BocoDragon]

Just asking for a friend, hmm?

 

[bounchfx]

to tell her? i'm not sure. to expect her to do anything about it? sure

Yeah it is a little. They could be in a happy relationship and this could sabotage that.

not so happy if it could change based on this, though?

 

[YoungFa]

It's at least irresponsible.

 

[TheBaldEmperor]

That situation sounds like a mess. Tell him to stay far away from this. Look for something less complicated. She wants him to move out there while she and her bf are taking it slow??? gtfo

And yes it could be considered selfish, but it doesn't really matter here. Time to move on.

 

[theWB27]

Yea tell.

 

[Spine_Ripper]

Wait, did she actually, with serious intent, suggest that your friend and her get an apartment together?

If so, your friend isn't the selfish one here.

 

[mrjohill]

I mean I would think like what if you were on the opposite side of it?

 

[Two Words]

Telling her how he feels about her isn't selfish. Trying to force himself between them would be selfish. She's free to act on his feelings about her one way or the other.

 

[theofficefan99]

Wait, did she actually, with serious intent, suggest that your friend and her get an apartment together?

If so, your friend isn't the selfish one here.

Oh wait yeah

If this is true then this IS really odd.

But it seems to me like he's friend-zoned beyond belief.

Telling her how he feels about her isn't selfish. Trying to force himself between them would be selfish. She's free to act on his feelings about her one way or the other.

It is selfish. It will add stress in her life.

And if she wanted to be with him over her current boyfriend, she would be. She's not obligated to be with her boyfriend.

 

[Kensation]

Yeah it is.

 

[riotous]

Silly thing to do in any scenario IMO. Flirt, ask someone out on a date, make your interest known using social cues then judge the response. Confessing feelings puts the other person in a completely uncomfortable position.

 

[Shadow Puppetry]

Yeah

Listen to Monica, Rachel.

.

 

[Two Words]

Uh, duh.

You can't force things like that. And when you do, you're hoping that this person will stop their current life in order to do what you want.

Either it happens naturally or it doesn't.

Please convince your friend to not do it. He will regret it.

Though, knowing how love works, if the heart is feeling crazy or desperate you'll end up getting the crazy or desperate out of your system even if you know better.

What is "happens naturally"? What is unnatural about telling somebody your feelings towards them?

 

[uncredited male]

If the Hallmark Channel has taught me anything it is that you wait until they have set a wedding date before you pour your heart out.

 

[entremet]

Not winning strategy. Not getting into the selfish discussion since that’s a rabbit hole and largely irrelevant honestly.

Real life isn’t Romcoms.

 

[Onemic]

She wants the friend to move in with her?

Somethings up.

 

[Raylan Targaryen]

Is it selfish, yes

Who gives a shit though. I told this girl I still loved her 3 years ago while she was with another man. We've almost been together a year now and neither of us have ever been happier

If you care about someone do it. Worst case scenario they reject you and it never happens but at least you know. Best case scenario you end up with the woman you love, it might not be right away

 

[theofficefan99]

What is "happens naturally"? What is unnatural about telling somebody your feelings towards them?

As in, nothing is, or feels, forced.

She is not obligated to be with her current boyfriend. If she wanted to be with this guy she would be.

She wants the friend to move in with her?

Somethings up.

I think it just means the guy is super-super-super friend zoned. You think the boyfriend would be ok with another straight male moving in with his girlfriend unless it was someone the girl was 0% attracted to/interested in? It's literally either that, or the girl is a manipulative turd

 

[Bronx-Man]

Kinda tricky. I wouldn't say "selfish" but it's definitely gonna make that friendship awkward as hell going forward now that that's in the air.

 

[theWB27]

As in, nothing is, or feels, forced.

Telling someone your feelings isn't forcing anything. The other person still has to accept or turn you down.

 

[Two Words]

It is selfish. It will add stress in her life.

And if she wanted to be with him over her current boyfriend, she would be.

That seems largely dependent on how one brings it up. Why not just tell them in a non-confronting way? Just say that you've honestly been having these feelings towards them and that you respect their current relationship, but felt that keeping your feelings secret without acknowledgement one way or the other was putting a stress on your relationship between the two of them. Maybe say getting some closure on what her feelings are towards you can help you move on. Because if you're getting strong hints that she wants to be in a relationship with you, but is in a bit of a live triangle, it can be hard to fully commit to its never going to happen until you at least disclose your feelings. I don't see that as selfish. It's just being honest. Choosing to not stay in some limbo state isn't selfish.

Is there a non-zero percent chance that no matter how well you express your feelings that it will put a significant amount of stress on her? Sure, but that is the case in most things in life. We don't typically refuse to do something if there is a non-zero percent chance that somebody will be negatively impacted in some tangential way.

 

[Poppy]

it's selfish but if it eats at you constantly, you might have to do it anyway. just might mean your friendship dies

 

[Astral Dog]

If he had said it earluer it would be manipulation because she was heartbroken, if he says it now its not appropiate and he risk their friendship.

Honestly, doesn't matter if this is Selfish or not this is not the time he better move on for his sake.

 

[Brew124]

If he feels that strong about her, it's almost better to let her know how he feels and then let her be the judge of what happens next, especially if a lot of the info you've stated is true, like she wants him to move there and get an apartment together. It sounds like her feelings toward him may be mutual, but she's afraid of bringing it up.

The way I see it, he's going to regret it forever if he doesn't tell her. And it's super hard to live with that feeling. Trust me.

 

[MisterShine]

It isn't selfish, you need to be honest about your feelings. This woman needs to know what all her options are.

He needs to be ready for rejection though and what that means in the long-term with this girl. Is he content with being friends? Cool. Can he just not handle his feelings anymore if they aren't reciprocated? He needs to tell her that too and figure out how to deal.

Moving to another country to be with a friend though seems a little crazy I'll be honest.

 

[brianjones]

your "friend" huh

we won't judge u OP

 

[GalacticToast]

You gotta look out for number one

 

[Two Words]

As in, nothing is, or feels, forced.

She is not obligated to be with her current boyfriend. If she wanted to be with this guy she would be.



I think it just means the guy is super-super-super friend zoned. You think the boyfriend would be ok with another straight male moving in with his girlfriend unless it was someone the girl was 0% attracted to/interested in? It's literally either that, or the girl is a manipulative turd

What is forced about telling somebody your feelings? She's not obligated to do anything either way. And why should it really matter how the boyfriend feels? If I was dating somebody and another guy asked out my girlfriend, I'm not going to get all territorial over her. She's not my property, and I certainly don't want to have to fend people off her as if she can't decide who she wants to be with. If she decided she liked somebody more and decided to leave me, I am obviously going to feel hurt about it. I'd probably be pretty angry at the time. But I can't say that I've been wronged somehow from that alone.

 

[theofficefan99]

That seems largely dependent on how one brings it up. Why not just tell them in a non-confronting way? Just say that you've honestly been having these feelings towards them and that you respect their current relationship, but felt that keeping your feelings secret without acknowledgement one way or the other was putting a stress on your relationship between the two of them. Maybe say getting some closure on what her feelings are towards you can help you move on. Because if you're getting strong hints that she wants to be in a relationship with you, but is in a bit of a live triangle, it can be hard to fully commit to its never going to happen until you at least disclose your feelings. I don't see that as selfish. It's just being honest. Choosing to not stay in some limbo state isn't selfish.

Is there a non-zero percent chance that no matter how well you express your feelings that it will put a significant amount of stress on her? Sure, but that is the case in most things in life. We don't typically refuse to do something if there is a non-zero percent chance that somebody will be negatively impacted in some tangential way.

If you respect someone's current relationship you will not attempt to put a stop to it by confessing that you have feelings. Period.

Also, I guess it depends on the person. Personally, if a person secretly wants to do things with you, you WILL KNOW and you will feel that inarguable sexual tension. In that case, I guess it's worth the risk. Otherwise, the person will know better to not even try. At least deep, deep down.

What is forced about telling somebody your feelings? She's not obligated to do anything either way. And why should it really matter how the boyfriend feels? If I was dating somebody and another guy asked out my girlfriend, I'm not going to get all territorial over her. She's not my property, and I certainly don't want to have to fend people off her as if she can't decide who she wants to be with. If she decided she liked somebody more and decided to leave me, I am obviously going to feel hurt about it. I'd probably be pretty angry at the time. But I can't say that I've been wronged somehow from that alone.

If someone is in a relationship and nothing seems to be wrong then it is being selfish and forcing something.

You're telling me that you'd be ok with another straight guy moving in with your girlfriend? That's not being territorial. Either the guy is gay or secretly wants to get in the girl's pants.

 

[Familienoberhauptvogel]

yes, the question should be whether it is morally wrong to be selfish by doing so.

 

[LionPride]

Selfish sure

Wrong? Depends if you want something to come from it or not

 

[mdubs]

 

[Moff]

selfish would be to act like he was her friend when in truth he is not and actually wants a relationship with her. with that she does not have a true friend and he is torturing himself.

personally, I would not hit on a woman who is already in a relationship, but in his situation, he needs to make a choice. as we already established in another thread lately, it's not uncommon that people line up new candidates when a current relationship is in a failing state, which seems to be the case here, so I'd say he has a chance. my prediction is, though, that she only sees him as a friend. but he needs to make decision either way, it does not sound healthy the way it is now.

 

[Two Words]

If you respect someone's current relationship you will not attempt to put a stop to it by confessing that you have feelings. Period.

Also, I guess it depends on the person. Personally, if a person secretly wants to do things with you, you WILL KNOW and you will feel that inarguable sexual tension. In that case, I guess it's worth the risk. Otherwise, the person will know better to not even try. At least deep, deep down.

Respecting a relationship does not mean that you will not ever do anything that could possibly cause it to end. Respecting a relationship is doing things like refusing to be with/sleep with somebody who is cheating.

It would be disrespectful to a relationship to knowingly take part in an affair. Sharing your feelings towards somebody and letting them choose to end their current relationship or not is respecting their relationship. It is respecting the boundaries understood in the relationship and letting the other decide of they want to end their current relationship.

If someone is in a relationship and nothing seems to be wrong then it is being selfish and forcing something.

You're telling me that you'd be ok with another straight guy moving in with your girlfriend? That's not being territorial. Either the guy is gay or secretly wants to get in the girl's pants.

I directly said that I would not like it. But just because I don't like it doesn't mean that I am being wronged. I don't like long lines, but that doesn't the people in the line have done something wrong to me. My would-be partner has the right to move on from me if she wants. I see no problem with telling the guy that I am pretty sure what he is doing, and I don't like it. But I'm not going to get territorial and act like he has done something wrong to me.

 

[SonicXtreme]

your friend has messed up priorities, sounds like his top goal is to get with this girl and he's just setting himself up for disappointment. besides that point, it's fucked up to make any move on someone that's clearly with someone imo. if she cared about your friend so much she would tell HIM. like some people said, yes she has free will ! but guess what, she's exercising it by her actions! the ball is not in his court, in any way shape or form. stop. or just bomb the friendship into oblivion, have fun with that.

 

[Astral Dog]

Selfish sure

Wrong? Depends if you want something to come from it or not

yes, the question should be if it is morally wrong to be selfish by doing so.

True, i mean a lot of things are pure selfishness, it could bring him calmness if he brings it appropiately ,prepared for rejection and moving on.life is not that black and white sometimes

 

[woolley]

Could be but sometimes you have to be selfish. If I really cared about someone I would tell them everything else is irrelevant imo.

 

[jph139]

If you respect someone's current relationship you will not attempt to put a stop to it by confessing that you have feelings. Period.

I mean, this is true, but unless I have a strong prior relationship with both parties... why should I care? Like: "I want to date you, dump your SO and be with me." There's always gonna be a loser in a situation where multiple people are interested in the same individual, and I'd rather the loser be someone other than me.

Everyone has a right to choose who they want to be in a relationship, and I don't see the problem with providing them the full slate of details as long as you're not being pushy or manipulative.

I'm not going to step aside for something just because it's the status quo.