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Is my brother abusing his kids?

Trojita

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You can really tell who isn't a parent in this thread
Because the brother in the OP definitely sounds like a regular parent dealing with children that can sometimes be unruly and not at all sounds like a caracuture that sounds like a hill billy, drunk all the time, and full of mental illness. A person that will inflict harm on their child at anything deemed potentially annoying. Slamming a kids head into a door for not opening a lock fast enough definitely sounds normal. Non-parent's wouldn't understand.
 
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daveonezero

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I am no father, do have half a dozen of nephews whom i take care of. So my opinion might be shit, so here it goes.

You people in this thread are taking this issue Black and White. Taking care of children goes way beyond that.

I see people lambasting others one way or another.
it is black and white. either you condones inflicting pain as punishment on defenseless children or you are standing up for the defenseless child. All I ask is people don't try and sugar coat it as something that is helping the child. It may help the parent stop the behavior in the moment but evidence has shown the child doesn't learn anything.

If pain was a good way to learn lessons education would be all about people getting answers wrong and then being beaten in order for them to learn better.

Wrong. There are PLENTY of adults who could benefit from a spanking.
Except adults don't do this because they know other adults are capable of defending themselves and will probably retaliate. If I do something you don't like and you come up, escalate it to physical violence, spank me with intent to harm. you have a lot more repercussions than with a. Child.

With a child there is no immediate consequence to hitting them as they are severely overpowered physically by adults. If toddlers had mech suits then no kids would be getting smacked around. It would be like Fluffy in the Rick and Morty Episode.
 
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John Day

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it is black and white. either you condones inflicting pain as punishment on defenseless children or you are standing up for the defenseless child. All I ask is people don't try and sugar coat it as something that is helping the child. It may help the parent stop the behavior in the moment but evidence has shown the child doesn't learn anything.

If pain was a good way to learn lessons education would be all about people getting answers wrong and then being beaten in order for them to learn better.


Except adults don't do this because they know other adults are capable of defending themselves and will probably retaliate. If I do something you don't like and you come up, escalate it to physical violence, spank me with intent to harm. you have a lot more repercussions than with a. Child.

With a child there is no immediate consequence to hitting them as they are severely overpowered physically by adults. If toddlers had mech suits then no kids would be getting smacked around. It would be like Fluffy in the Rick and Morty Episode.
No it is not black and white. As much as you want to paint it, it is not. Do not push your ways as the ONLY WAYS.

I do not have enough information on OP’s brother to brand him as a bad father and an abuser. That is the fucking problem with you all today.

I know shit, i don’t talk shit.
 

Barnabot

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@pramod I think you should speak with you brother about this. Only you asking the questions to him will have more weight than some weirdos over the internet taking a guess about someone who only you are supposed to know better. You don't need to pick a fight a fight. Just talk.
 
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thief183

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Im from Eastern Europe. If you really expect me to take advice from western cultures when their own countries are giant messes than you are a fool.

Discipline and good behaviour starts at home. We are their parents not their friends
I think you have become my best friend:))

Eastern Europe will save us, this is not ironic I'm totally thinking to move on the east of europe for this reason.
 

iconmasterX

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The thing about studies is you can always find one to support your position, but nonetheless: https://goodparent.org/corporal-punishment/research-on-corporal-punishment/evidence-favoring-the-use-of-disciplinary-spanking/

Authoritarian Parents were more controlling, more restrictive, less inclined to explain, more punitive, detached, and less warm. To discipline they used fear, little encouragement and often corporal punishment.

Permissive Parents were markedly less controlling, minimally demanding, freely granting of the child’s demands, uninvolved with the child, and benign toward the child’s impulses and actions. To discipline they used ridicule, guilt provocation, little power and reasoning, and rarely corporal punishment.

Authoritative Parents employed a combination of firm control and positive encouragement of a child’s independence. They affirmed the child’s qualities and, yet, set a standard for future conduct. They made reasonable demands of their children and promoted respect for authority. They were more consistent with the discipline. To discipline they used reasoning, power, reinforcement to achieve objectives, and some corporal punishment.
The Authoritative parents who balanced firm control with encouragement reared the most socially responsible and assertive children, i.e. achievement orientation, friendliness toward peers, cooperativeness with adults, social dominance, nonconforming behavior and purposiveness.
  • Conditional spanking was associated with better child outcomes than were 10 of 13 alternative disciplinary tactics, with no differences in outcomes compared to the other three alternatives.
  • Conditional spanking and customary physical punishment were never associated with worse outcomes than any other alternative tactic.
  • Physical punishment predicted more adverse child outcomes than alternative tactics only when it was used severely or predominantly.
This is really besides the point of the topic, of course.

You can dig into more of the evidence for and against here: https://goodparent.org/corporal-punishment/research-on-corporal-punishment/
 
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Aintitcool

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I don't see an issue here unless the mother is against it. I don't think what you experienced with your brother is anymore harmful than shouting, but this system keeps the voice down and you were in a public place.

Earlobes and head smacking are very low pain, especially the earlobes. To make children stop what their doing as fast as possible, especially when you're dealing with 2 at the same time might be preferable to him as a dad, than trying to control them via shouting or verbal abuse that they historically ignore.
 

brap

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lmao this thread is fucking hilarious. You can tell whose kids are gonna be the little pussies that cry over every little thing and grow up to get a resetera account.

You're not a man because your daddy beat you up. What a sad misconception.
And you're not a man because you're one of the smarmiest fucks on here.

I wasn't. My parents were well educated and we didn't drink out of mason jars. That may have something to do with it.
Nah, your parents just had swingers parties and did naked yoga.
 
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Jonirenicus

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Just came back from a hiking trip with my brothers family. So he has 2 8 yr old boys and I noticed while on the trip whenever the kids did something to annoy him no matter how slight, his immediate response is to do something physical, like twist their earlobe, smack their head, etc. I mean nothing like outright beating them but always trying to inflict some sort of physical pain.

I mean I have no kids myself so I feel like I'm not in any position to judge or criticize his actions. But i feel a bit bad for the boys. They can be brats but what 8 yr olds aren't? I just feel like the constant physical punishments are a bit too far.
That's how you parent boys to not be sissies.
 
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Musky_Cheese

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I have 3. They will all get the hands as a last punishment, when talking and timeouts fail. Nothing wrong with some sting especially when kids are young and communication isn’t available.

However physical punishment every time isn’t something I agree with. And OP, it sounds like he uses it far too often.
 
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petran79

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Talking to them in a very strict and tense manner could also work but it is far more difficult and requires cooperation and endurance from both parents. Father being strict while mother pampers or vice versa does not work
 
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Sycomunkee

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As a lesson, but it just seems to me he does it for even the most minor things. Like I saw one time one of the boys was trying to open a locked door, he was a bit slow, so my brother kinda slammed his head into the door, at that moment I was like WTF and almost said something but I just kept quiet. I mean I know my bro 100% loves his boys and would never do anything to actually hurt them, but he is very strict and is using a lot of physical/corporal pain to make them behave.
That’s pretty messed up. I have a couple kids myself but I couldn’t see myself chipping away at them like that. My son, being 5, if he is being a dick I’ll send him straight to his room and he will go and stay there until I tell him he can get out. I yell at them sometimes but only when I have to. I can honesty say the occasional hand or butt swat has only occurred maybe once or twice in his life time, but he’s generally a pretty good kid.

My daughter, 2, complete nightmare. Still wouldn’t give her a whack unless I felt it was absolutely necessary. Both of them handle verbal discipline and time outs well.

On the flip side, kids can be total assholes, but that’s highly dependent on how they're raised. Every pinch, prick and slap is a little bit more of an example of how not to raise a kid. My mom raised me that way and while I turned out ok, it was quite the negative experience.
 
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VysePSU

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I feel sorry for the kids. When I was young, my parents divorced and my mother would beat me with a belt, usually as a first resort when I needed to be disciplined and wouldn't stop after I started crying. When I went to live with my dad, he was strict and would raise his voice but he rarely hit me. When he did, it was nothing more than a slap on the cheek but he followed it up with a hug when he saw it hurt me. I might not have kids of my own but I think it's important to show you still love them.

We are from Eastern Europe too and have been living in America for around 25 years but how I was raised doesn't really have much to do with where we came from. So this notion that parents from Russia, Germany, Belarus etc. are always more tough and always discipline their kids the same isn't true. Just like how not all Americans are fat, lazy, sensitive types. It's not so black-and-white.
 
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King of Foxes

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I think you have become my best friend:))

Eastern Europe will save us, this is not ironic I'm totally thinking to move on the east of europe for this reason.
Anecdotal evidence but I know several Swedes, French and Austrians who moved here and have said they will stay. Some are married to locals and some for work but all have mentioned their countries are ruined.
 
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Arkage

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Also it's clearly bothering my sister-in-law as well. At one point my brother was doing this shit so much to one of the boys he wouldn't stop crying, she had to step in and tell him to stop touching him and leave him alone.
OK that's pretty fucked up. And probably abuse. Guy needs anger management. Sounds like someone who got bullied or abused when younger and its the only way he knows how to deal with shit. "If I hurt it, it will stop annoying me."


lmao this thread is fucking hilarious. You can tell whose kids are gonna be the little pussies that cry over every little thing and grow up to get a resetera account.
It's like you don't even hide how much of a piece of shit you are. I can respect that.
 
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bitbydeath

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Eh, generally you only need to smack them a few times then you just say if you don’t listen then you’ll get a smack and they fall in line.

Now who leashes their kids though?
That’s how you get 50 Shades of Grey.

 

KillCleanEat

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There was a study I read that stated spanking was alright and showed no negative impact. This idea that you shouldn't use physical discipline at all is a myth perpetuated by dumbasses. If I can find it tomorrow I'll share it.

That said, your brother is an asshole if physical discipline is his go to for everything. He needs to be called out on his shitty parenting. Read a parenting book and learn to communicate.

Twisting earlobes sounds strange as fuck to me. Call him out for that weird shit.
 
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Miku Miku

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I think it might be possible to use a physically demanding approach to raising kids that focuses less on hitting, and more on toughening them up through intense training and discipline. If you are using a stern approach to push rigorous training and education, then it's possible it could be done right. But if you are just hitting kids to make them sit still, it seems messed up and also, seems like a massive failure of parenting. The focus should be on continually pushing their growth, and learning. That means you have to constantly explain everything, all the time, and teach them what they're doing wrong, and how to do it right. Even a spank should be framed around teaching morality, and making them understand that they did something wrong. It's not for smacking kids who open doors too slow.
 

Trojita

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lmao this thread is fucking hilarious. You can tell whose kids are gonna be the little pussies that cry over every little thing and grow up to get a resetera account.


And you're not a man because you're one of the smarmiest fucks on here.


Nah, your parents just had swingers parties and did naked yoga.
Parents don't repeatedly beat your kids or they'll end up like @brap . One is enough.
 
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Whataburger

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I got my ass whooped every time I fucked up majorly and I'm not "traumatized". Not endorsing beating your kids, but some of you are way too dramatic.
There is correlation between school shooters not being beaten enough and twitter usage!
 

brap

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Parents don't repeatedly beat your kids or they'll end up like @brap . One is enough.
I never once got beat. People on this site act like you either whoop your kids or you have to make them like you by letting them do whatever they want.
 

mcz117chief

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I'm pretty certain that OP's brother is indeed abusive. Going for physical punishment and slamming your child's head against the door is just abuse.

On the topic of physical punishments and such I have had some fantastic experiences lately. My best friend's daughter has two sons now, one is three (let's call him K) the other is half a year old (H). Mother is this super anti-physical punishment type and the father is your average parent, sometimes a little sting but mostly just uses a strict voice when the three year old does't behave, a great guy overal and fun to be around with.
What is interesting to watch is how K behaves around his parents. When dad is around K is pretty chill, behaves and plays with people and is nice to everyone. However, when dad is not around, and by that I mean he is at work or when K is visiting without his dad, he turns into an absolute shit head who throws food, toys around, shouts like a maniac and even kicks dogs and steps on his brother's feet and hands. One time I remember that the dog actually retaliated after being abused by K for good amount of minutes and naturally, as you would expect, the dog got a serious beating despite being repeatedly attacked by K. His mother never chastises him in any way for that, just tells him "K, please don't do that." at most. K can keep at this for a long time where he just says "screw everything" and just rips whatever comes into his hands. Whenever his mother pulls out a toy so H can play K comes running at takes his toy immediately saying he wants it right now. When his mother says "but you didn't even look at it before, it was here the entire time." he throws a massive tantrum and his mother is just sitting there doing nothing. One time I actually saw her do something, she picked him up and told him she would put him in the next room until he settled down, at which point he started screaming and beating around himself like crazy so she put him down and said "if you'll be nice you can stay" so he says "ok" and after 5 seconds he starts again. It is actually a lot of fun to watch, like a reality TV show lol but I feel sorry for his mom and keep wondering how K is gonna grow up. What do you guys think?
 
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Trojita

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I never once got beat. People on this site act like you either whoop your kids or you have to make them like you by letting them do whatever they want.
I haven’t seen many people here that believe that. The examples in the OP just seem egregiously frequent.
 

brap

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I haven’t seen many people here that believe that. The examples in the OP just seem egregiously frequent.
Dude definitely abuses his kids. Reminds me of that daddy of five youtube shit where he shoves his kid into a fucking bookcase.
 
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Dacon

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When I was like 12/13, I had a teacher who was an old white lady who was strict and borderline rude in her approach to teaching. I didn't like her. I told my parents that she called me a nigger. She was almost fired.

My father whooped my ass and made me apologize to her and the school for lying. He was right. I never did any shit like that ever again.
 
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seriously tho you could try asking him about it

he's family you're supposed to be able to talk about these things without the whole foundation coming down
Yeah gotta laugh at people - instead of talking things out with their family they rush and talk behind their backs on gaming forums lmao. It reads like one of these posta on retardera "should i abandon my republican family? They are nice and all but oPiNIonZ THO" xD
 
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HarryKS

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One day, soon enough, with all those hormones in those juiced up chickens, they'll get big and the tables will turn man.

Maybe going vegan is the solution.
 

Azzurri

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Growing up with foreign parents I'm sure some can attest getting the beat down as a kid, but for Italians it's pretty normal to hit your kids, or at least it was when I grew up.

Now, it's way different and I don't think smacking or hitting your kids is right, but I do believe that a little spanking on the butt is needed here or there.
 
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iconmasterX

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When I was like 12/13, I had a teacher who was an old white lady who was strict and borderline rude in her approach to teaching. I didn't like her. I told my parents that she called me a nigger. She was almost fired.

My father whooped my ass and made me apologize to her and the school for lying. He was right. I never did any shit like that ever again.
I wish more people today could have had a dad like yours.
 

CSmath22

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From the OP's posts on the first page, it definitely sounds borderline. But then you have to ask yourself if you actually saw what you thought you saw.
 

Thaedolus

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I've got 6 nephews and 5 nieces, and a little toddler of my own...if the boys have acted like they need a little putting in their place over the years, I find a firm Vulcan neck pinch/squeeze on the shoulder/trap is all I need to get them to chill. The girls have always been more responsive to just talking/time outs. Usually they just want attention.

I know this is going to sound real "old fashioned" of me, but there is a difference in physicality between the two. All but one of my nephews wrestle or play football. Rough housing and getting tackled or whatever isn't a foreign concept to them, and the one who is a little on the wimpy side, I don't manhandle like the other ones. I was trying out VR and 4 of the boys were watching, one kept tapping me on the shoulder and wouldn't knock it off, so I finally blindly back kicked and hit the wrong nephew (14yo) in the ribs pretty hard. He and my brother just laughed. Wrong place at the wrong time kid! But also, he doesn't cower in fear anytime I'm around because he thinks I'm likely to kick him in the ribs again...so I guess I'm on the side of a little physicality is ok when it's necessary, but I never want to hit a kid.
 
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