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Is Superman the biggest pussy in comic book movie history?

chimpsteaks

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Aug 19, 2019
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Let's start with Superman (1978), his most iconic film appearance. If you haven't seen this movie, you would probably assume that at some point in its 3 hour and 8 minute runtime, Superman flies around and fights crime. He does not. Superman does not actually fight anyone in this movie. In fact, Superman has not actually ever fought anybody in any of the movies he has been in. In 7 movies over the course of the past 42 years, Superman has never beaten any villain in a fight. He has, however:

- Had his ass kicked several times, by regular guys with no powers
- become an angry alcoholic
- let his girlfriend get fucked by his coworker
- let his girlfriend get killed
- has ended up on life support in the hospital
- has cried in 4 out of the 7 movies
- got thrown into the ocean

The villain in the 1978 film is Lex Luthor, who is just a really cool rich guy who has an awesome pool and a busty bimbo girlfriend. Immediately the viewer recognizes that Lex is the true protagonist of the movie.

Lex Luthor:
- Owns an elegant yet tasteful lair with a jaw dropping olympic size pool, completely decked out in marble and 24 karat gold
- is flaunting a supermodel caliber girlfriend who is way hotter than Lois Lane
- Owns a comprehensive library and always keeps himself well read
- Is a cunning, prolific, widely respected businessman who has earned every penny of his fortune


But this is the most important thing about Lex: He doesn't have some fruity contrived plan about turning society against eachother or some lame shit like that - Lex is just a classic no nonsense villain who wants to launch a bunch of giant missiles all over America. He just wants to blow everybody up and smoke cigars and have a good time. Meanwhile Superman, despite having literally all the powers you can possibly imagine, gets bested fair and square by the better man in Lex Luthor, and he lets Lois Lane die a really horrible gruesome death. Then instead of fighting Lex Luthor man to man, Superman comes up with this fruity bullshit cop out where he's gonna fly around the earth really fast and rewind time to before any of this happened. He just undoes the whole movie. Superman failed so terrifically that he has to resort to rewinding the whole fucking movie to a time before Superman showed up, because he needed a do-over. Not very heroic if you ask me. The guy can shoot lasers out of his fucking eyes and fly and he lost to a regular guy who has a lot of money and a few missiles. With his super strength, Superman could have just punched Lex Luthor once and exploded him into a bloody mist, or froze him with his breath, or disintegrated him with his eye beams but he somehow managed to fucking lose so bad that he had to resort to travelling back in time to before he lost.

Superman 2 we can skip.

Superman 3. At this point, Superman has such a bad reputation that Richard Pryor gets more screentime than him. Halfway through the movie Superman becomes an alcoholic and smashes up some random civilian's bar. That is not Super behavior. I would even argue that is not even the behavior of a Man. Maybe he should just call himself the alcoholic who can fly.

So somehow like 5 minutes later in the movie he fights the evil version of himself. We're 3 movies into the Superman saga, and this is the first actual physical fight he's ever been in, and he's fighting him fucking self. The only fight he's ever actually been in is one where a Superman is guaranteed to lose. Later, the climax of the movie is that the villain steps into an elevator and Superman used that opportunity to throw the elevator into space. Yet again, he manages to not fight the villain. He's rewinded time, lost a fight to himself, become a drunk, and threw an elevator into space and this narcissist has the nerves to pose for the cameras like he's a fucking hero. That's all he cares about. He doesn't care about stopping crime, he just cares about looking cool and posing for the cameras, and he's not even good at that. He doesn't even fly cool, he just levitates away like a fairy boy.

And now we arrive at the biggest offender. Superman Returns. Superman comes back to earth and finds out some other guy at the Daily Planet is fucking Lois Lane. Superman goes full stalker and flies around the trees outside her house and watches them fuck through her window. The man can literally fly and shoot lasers out of his eyes, and yet another man is fucking his girlfriend, and he just floats around and watches. He's an actual cuckold. But at least Lex Luthor is in this one again. He now has a ridiculously cool yacht and an even bustier bimbo. He's the man who has everything. And in this movie he basically doesn't even have an evil plan, he just wants to kick Superman's ass again, for fun. Because that's the only thing that can give him a thrill anymore. And he fucking does it again. Superman shows up to fight Lex, then gets exposed to kryptonite. So now Superman isn't invincible anymore, and Lex just kicks the living shit out of him and it is so embarrassing. Superman at this point is actually crying, see the pic up top.

So he's crying his eyes out like a baby and being slapped around by Lex and thrown into the mud. Superman is such a pussy and is so used to being unkillable, that as soon as Lex uses kryptonite and Superman realizes he can actually get hurt this time, FOR ONCE, he shrinks to the pressure and just lets the old man beat him into a pulp and throw him into the fucking ocean. He is so smug all the time when he knows hes invincible and can't be even mildly injured, but the second you play the kryptonite card and he actually has to engage in a fair fight on a level playing field, one where he can actually be hurt, he freaks out and suddenly decides he doesn't want to fight you anymore. Anyway Lex proceeds to smack the fucking piss out of him and Superman ends up in the hospital on an IV, almost dies, and Lex just flies off into the sunset in a helicopter with his busty wife. Then they run out of gas conveniently and the movie just ends. Superman loses yet again, and Lex just happened to run out of gas.

Superman is 0 for 4 against Lex Luthor and he has ended up in the hospital more times than he's put any villains in the hospital. He has never actually beaten any villain, he's only ever won by fruity little loopholes like rewinding time or hoping you run out of gas. In essence, he is the kid who unplugs your Nintendo 64 when you're about to beat him.
 
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MilkyJoe

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He Killed General Zod in that one with Kevin Costner
He beat up that bloke in the diner after "working out"
He killed that monster thing in Dawn of Justice
 

chimpsteaks

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He Killed General Zod in that one with Kevin Costner
He beat up that bloke in the diner after "working out"
He killed that monster thing in Dawn of Justice

Ok I now recall and will concede he beat Zod that one time. But before you let that impress you let's recap the other disgraceful fights he's been in.


That time he got in a fight in the diner he should be embarrassed about. Superman shouldn't be getting into fights at the diner. He can freeze people and blast lasers out of his eyes. The fact that he even got into a fight with some random clown at the diner is not a good look for him. He can survive a flurry of machine guns fire to his head and instead of fighting actual villains that matter this ridiculous loser spends his time picking easy fights with random chumps at the diner. You would assume he should be better than that, but no, this is the guy who flies around getting into diner fights and letting his co-workers fuck his girlfriend.

And when he speared that monster he died too so that's not really a win or a loss, it's more of a tie. If you fight Superman, you will probably beat him, there's a very small chance it will result in a tie, and also an equally very small chance he will win. So he gets a point for Zod but none for the other 2 incidents.

That means in 7 movies he's actually won one fight. At a 1/7 success rate, his .143 winning percentage is worse than the 1962 New York Mets, who are often considered the worst team in the history of baseball. However, they had an excuse because it was the franchise's debut year and it was expected that an expansion team would have a terrible debut season. Superman has no such excuse. Additionally, the Mets amazingly won the World Series in 1969, only 7 years after their debut. Superman didn't win a fight for over 3 decades after his debut. Superman can not even beat the Mets, with or without prep time. If he tried to fight the Mets, there is a 6 out of 7 chance the Mets would win, and a 4 out of 7 chance they would make him cry.
 
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PuppetMaster

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Jun 12, 2007
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I do have a soft spot in my heart for the original 1979 film.

Partially because the Williams sound track is pure fucking gold. But also because I was just a tiny kid when I first watched it.

If I saw it for the first time now in 2020, I am sure some plot points like the reversing time at the end would annoy me. And the whole no one can recognize him when he puts glasses on...
 

angelfox

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Jul 29, 2020
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I like the DC universe, but I don't like Superman. I don't know why, but he annoys me. Invincible hero in leggings.
I went on a date with my husband to the movie theater for a Superman movie, after which he asked me to get married and gave me an engagement ring. I don't know how happy I was that I agreed to marry a Superman fan :messenger_tears_of_joy::messenger_tears_of_joy::messenger_tears_of_joy:
 

chimpsteaks

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I like the DC universe, but I don't like Superman. I don't know why, but he annoys me. Invincible hero in leggings.
I went on a date with my husband to the movie theater for a Superman movie, after which he asked me to get married and gave me an engagement ring. I don't know how happy I was that I agreed to marry a Superman fan :messenger_tears_of_joy::messenger_tears_of_joy::messenger_tears_of_joy:
He flies around like he owns the place, but the reality is if you slapped him once he would cry for 4 hours
 

Stilton Disco

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Superman is a really difficult character to build an action movie around, which is what most superhero films basically are.

Either it ends up boring and contrived, or a CGI yawn fest, or both, like the shit show that was Man of Steel.

The strength of the character lies in his humanity despite being a God like being, and his inner struggles between his personal desires, deeply held morals and sense of personal responsibility, with the ever present guilt for all the things he can't help wirh.

That's arguably why Superman 2 is the only movie that holds up. Sure, it has proper fights against Zod and his crew, but the real meat of that flick is Superman's personal dilemma and struggle between love and desire for a normal, human existence, with what the consequences are for the rest of the world for him to be happy, and whether he can live with that.

He's a good man with the weight of the world on his shoulders, someone who hears every cry for help, sees every disaster, and who could stop pretty much any bad thing happening to anyone anywher, but who can't be everywhere at once, and is still deep down just an ordinary person who wants to have a normal life, a family and to be loved.

We really need a more serious movie exploring his character, with the quality and writing of the Joker, because a proper Superman needs to be well written, introspective, insightful, character driven and quite honestly sad, and that's a big fucking ask for most Hollywood studios, especially when they all want big flashy special effects family films that sell merchandise.

The only two movies that have pulled that kind of miracle combination of vision, good luck and talent off that I can think of are Logan and Joker infact. It's just very unlikely to happen.
 
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V4skunk

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No lies OP. Superman Returns really was creepy. Funny how we never heard a thing about his son again.
I really love Man of Steel though. General Zod was a bad ass.

Its better than most of the Marvel films that is for sure. Shit i rate BVS higher than nearly all Marvel...
 
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angelfox

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He is human just like any other superhero. He got superpowers and it's his duty to save people. This argument can be said about any other character. The same Batman also saves humanity.
Superman is a really difficult character to build an action movie around, which is what most superhero films basically are.

Either it ends up boring and contrived, or a CGI yawn fest, or both, like the shit show that was Man of Steel.

The strength of the character lies in his humanity despite being a God like being, and his inner struggles between his personal desires, deeply held morals and sense of personal responsibility, with the ever present guilt for all the things he can't help wirh.

That's arguably why Superman 2 is the only movie that holds up. Sure, it has proper fights against Zod and his crew, but the real meat of that flick is Superman's personal dilemma and struggle between love and desire for a normal, human existence, with what the consequences are for the rest of the world for him to be happy, and whether he can live with that.

He's a good man with the weight of the world on his shoulders, someone who hears every cry for help, sees every disaster, and who could stop pretty much any bad thing happening to anyone anywher, but who can't be everywhere at once, and is still deep down just an ordinary person who wants to have a normal life, a family and to be loved.

We really need a more serious movie exploring his character, with the quality and writing of the Joker, because a proper Superman needs to be well written, introspective, insightful, character driven and quite honestly sad, and that's a big fucking ask for most Hollywood studios, especially when they all want big flashy special effects family films that sell merchandise.

The only two movies that have pulled that kind of miracle combination of vision, good luck and talent off that I can think of are Logan and Joker infact. It's just very unlikely to happen.
 

jason10mm

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Supes is just too OP. A more grounded kryptonian power set like Homelander is easier to deal with.

This is DCs big problem, really. All their big names are essentially (or even literally) gods, so it is hard to base a decent movie around them. They just become CGI wankfests that unless they amp up the insanity to 11 like Aquaman are just boring. The end of WW was terrible, the end of BvS and most of JL was the same.
 
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BadBurger

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I think many writers and directors have trouble figuring out how to use him in an interesting or relatable way. Particularly in film, and especially Bryan Singer. So he comes out looking like a chump more often than not.
 

AJUMP23

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I think what they are illustrating is that Superman's true strength comes from his restraint and not his power. True power is mastery of ones own self. Superman is the greatest hero because he does not abuse the power he has, he controls it. Superman could kill Lex, but he doesn't. Superman should kill Zod, but he imprisons him. The Quest for peace is Superman overstepping his bounds and a terrible movie.


When he gave up his powers in Superman to be with Lois, he lost a bar fight.
 
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AJUMP23

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IIRC when he gets his powers back he returns to that bar for petty revenge, something that would/should have been beneath a god had he not tasted weakness and mortality just once.

Awesome :)

Not everyone is perfect all the time, it is how the people relate to him and see, oh he seeks revenge sometimes too. I think it also provided some levity in the film.
 
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chimpsteaks

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Pretty sure that is Spider-Man’s thing.
I apologize to self bump my thread but I have to respond to this. I just watched Raimi's Spider Man 3 and can confirm that Spider Man was a gigantic ridiculous pussy in that movie. The movie ends with him forgiving the villain. Sandman has just crushed several buildings in midtown Manhattan, and Spiderman looks him in the eyes and says "I forgive you". Spiderman, you're not there to make friends and forgive people, you're there to stop crime.
 
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Boss Mog

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No lies OP. Superman Returns really was creepy. Funny how we never heard a thing about his son again.
I really love Man of Steel though. General Zod was a bad ass.

I never noticed all the penises before.
 
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e&e

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Are these out in HD, I intrigued to watch again to check if this is true but never saw 2 and 3? 😂
 

highrider

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You’re taking really some pretty bad films with the exception of the original.

Man of Steel is much more akin to my idea of what Superman is. Snyder seems to understand physicality and action far better than than most modern action film makers. I also thought they did a much better job with Krypton and the surrounding lore/visual design.
 
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