Sigh. Being something resembling a regular person against all odds, for like day 3 now, sure is fucking weird and and uncomfortable in its own way. Now I can't even be a smartass properly to someone who reminds me of the narcissist I used to be be. Anyhow, I understand exactly how you feel right now, because I did the same thing on my way to here. For me the biggest narcissist I could sort of find to lash out at was good ol' Donnie J.T. Any time I tried to express it cleverly like I could with anything, though, I always had huge gaps in comprehension if I looked at it afterwards. Those gaps shouldn't be there. You have two enormous blind spots in this post right here. Try to remember the blind spots and stare straight at them, don't just pass over them. You're calculated and observant, so why are you blind to what everyone else sees obviously?
I accept what you're offering. I was a narcissist and a compulsive liar. I was far worse, in fact, but fortunately understood enough to try to destroy myself and keep me away from anyone I wanted to keep safe in real life where it hurts the most. I have nothing to hide away in fear or run away from by your presentation. I was the most dangerous monster in *any* room I've *ever* been in. The coldest, most uncaring evil player of selfish games for the brief entertainment of it and no limit to who or what I could turn into a pawn without effort. I constantly projected terrifying monsters to run away from, feared for my life when nothing was there but an innocent bystander or empty space. There was just the one monster inside me and my victims and pawns. I've been working on seeing it properly, destroying it, and finding a way to heal and become a proper person or otherwise die trying as the second best choice for everyone involved.
Somehow I'm alive, and I feel in genuine, obvious ways for the first time in my life, at peace, and don't need to calculate anything if I don't want to. I can just feel like everyone else. I never dared to hope to make it to the other side alive or felt I deserved it, but I gave it everything I had to try anyway. Struggle in life is better punishment for me than the release of death, so struggle was preferable, and at some point I genuinely understood the selfishness of suicide when I had enough of my own feelings to feel how other people cared about me that I hadn't been able to care about them. I always thought myself the victim and was constantly terrified of my own monstrous shadow. Always the victim lashing out in justified ways, to someone evil in the only way I knew: the evil inside me I projected elsewhere.
It's okay. I'm done playing games with people through a finely honed machine of deceit and sympathy and manipulation that feels almost nothing and could turn that off on demand anyway. If only I could've just been the selfish asshole you see in me and hate so much that isn't there anymore, I would have 1/100,000th of the true knowledge of terror I had to find out about on a personal journey with myself, safely away from everyone else. I was a terrifying monster from the day I was born, and it's only been a few days that I've arrived at a Tyler who has all the feeling parts obvious now in everyone else too that make it intuitive to understand on a two way street for the first time, and no blind spots or compulsive feelings moving me around on its own or bullshit I can ever get away with feeding myself again. No one has a proper sense of it but me, or they would've left me to die instead of holding out hope and lending a guiding hand. I love them for holding out hope and seeing a person in me until I solved the puzzles and got there in truth, though. It's so precious.
I had a thousand times more demons inside me than you could ever hold onto and pick a timing to present to me with any effect. I don't have anything to be afraid of anymore. I chased down the monsters I saw everywhere until there was only evidence of one invisible selfish manipulator pulling the strings...wherever I was standing. Dozens and dozens of observational errors I caught myself in and pursued relentlessly instead of running away from like I was was compelled to by the rigid structures. Nothing could stop me if I truly wanted it, not even myself. I demanded to know the truth of myself and was willing to die. It has been incredibly challenging, but I am newly at peace and don't feel afraid for everyone else's safety anymore by existing. It was extremely challenging to arrive here. It still seems impossible in hindsight but a happy miracle to live to see.
I don't have to explain that to the folks here, though. I was on a deeply personal journey and keeping it mostly to myself, but trying to apply each little additional piece of personhood to do better here on the way. They understand it intuitively without any manipulation or sympathetic play on my part or a bullshit narrative to deceive. I've just been talking to people and trying to understand where they're coming from, listening, learning, and helping a little, while extending respect and dignity where I can. It's been a work in progress, though, and I've still managed to be an asshole way too much and acting indignant about it most of the time, yuck. It's only been a couple days since I finished the journey, though. Hopefully less of a dick from here, starting with you. You think this is hitting the perfect timing to breach my defenses, get me where it hurts, outwit me by putting my next words into my mouth, demonstrating you've figured me out completely and are superior, and force the truth of my shame down my throat to put me in my place. That guy's no longer here, and was was never in danger from attacking with truth and blame directly whatsoever. You were only losing a game with yourself by playing.
I'm sorry, dude. You're obviously highly observant, patient, intelligent, and clever, and simultaneously demonstrate that you have two enormous blind spots that you only have one reason to have ignored in plain sight to strike at the biggest narcissist you can see. You are a narcissist yourself and hate yourself. It's obvious without saying so, to everyone else in the room: there isn't a narcissist here anymore to score points on and lecture about being less selfish and taking responsibility for once, with so much scorn you're holding onto ancient history that is failing to observe anything in 2018 directly in front of your skilled observatory. It's not because you're not clever or observant enough, it's because you're protecting the narcissist inside you from your own observations, and hate yourself so much but don't know why, and have to take it out on a narcissist you think you can see somewhere else but don't actually understand anything about narcissists and can't apply current observations.
I know that feel. I did the exact same thing and identified it in myself afterwards toward the start of the whole ordeal to get here, because I demanded answers and I always got exactly what I truly wanted just by standing there. I'm sorry because I have no idea how anyone else is supposed to figure out how to do this and get here, despite seeing how I did it personally every step of the way and how I was helped by the people around me. Despite every effort and inventive strategy I did employ, I still was completely dependent on luck, circumstance, miracles, undeserved love from amazing people saving my life while I tried to project monsters onto their kindness and attack them or run away, and a lot more than all that for me to get to here.
I'm just thankful to be alive, mostly, and able to feel the obvious and normal things intuitively and know peace in life somehow, do things better, and hope I can clean up the enormous mess where I can. Dig deep and stare at the blind spots. You're too clever to let yourself get away not knowing why you hate narcissists so much and you're so calculated and observant and intelligent but you don't know the first thing about narcissists or you wouldn't try to shove invisible blame into one by force where it is inherently invulnerable. And you would see that I'm not playing anyone anymore, just talking and letting people decide for themselves whether I merit sympathy or forgiveness or still have more work to do.
It's amazing to be able to turn off the machine and just feel it out without fucking with people one way or the other. Don't worry about it. You can't harm me, certainly not with truth I already sought out and punished myself for learning the terrors of. Look at those blind spots and think through why they're there. Don't let things like anxiety or despair or pain or confusion control your conscious gaze. There's truth hiding there and it changes how everything looks and can't be figured out properly without opening up. Remember, you tried to guilt trip someone who would be impossible to attack with blame if he were a narcissist, but isn't even there anymore and you're the only one not seeing the obvious. You're too clever to be doing that. I hope this finds a way to help. Truly. More than you could know.
