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[sarcastor]

what happens when you don't care anymore. about anything. my dad told me he was diagnose with liver cancer few weeks ago and he had 3-6 months left to live.

And i felt nothing inside. That's the worst part. when you're so dead inside you feel nothing.

The last week I've walked to the top of a parking garage 4 times at like 2-7am and thought about ending it all. I didn't quite step on top of the wall but i was close to. And then some random dude came up just to check out the view and then left. And then I walked home.

 

[Skellybroski88]

what happens when you don't care anymore. about anything.

I've been struggling with those feelings of not caring anymore. I've really focused on trying to go out of my comfort zone the past few weeks to at least keep myself busy. I do still feel an overall level of "what the fuck is the point?" but at least I'm doing something different. I know you really didn't ask for advice but I just kinda wanted you to know someone else struggling with similar feelings.

 

[Anung]

Needed to feel numb today so I wouldnt self harm so i took all my diazepam in one go so I'm oreeyyy zonked out.!

 

[Skab]

I've been spiraling. I can't focus on work, I hate myself all the time, and I just really want to die.

 

[KarneeKarnay]

I've been spiraling. I can't focus on work, I hate myself all the time, and I just really want to die.

Felt like this for a long time until recently. It depends on what the issue in your life is, but for me it was my last job. Stress and shitty decisions from my company threw me off the deep end.

It only got better when I was determined to either transfer or quit.

People sometimes frown upon leaving a shitty situation and not sticking it out, but it's your life. You only get one and putting yourself somewhere you aren't happy for any length of time, is not worth it and you can do better.

Sometimes the problem in your life isn't you, its the environment you are in.

 

[Hermii]

After I tried taking a break from alcohol I been dreaming about it and been having very intense cravings. So guess Im a mild to moderate alcoholic.

How messed up am I when I don't even consider alcoholism that high on the list of my issues?

 

[Mr. F]

I’m really having difficulty accepting that people care for me. It doesn’t fit the view I have of myself at all. I told a friend that I was thinking of killing myself this weekend, and she told me today that she had cried after reading my text. I felt like shit after realizing how much my self hate is affecting her. Bleh.

I do sometimes wish I could just kill myself and not have it hurt people around me. I held off trying until my mom passed away a few years back. I didn’t want to hurt her, but thought I was in the all clear after her funeral. Now I am finding other people that would be hurt.

I am so stupid and selfish and self absorbed. I hope I can find something to live for again. I’m not sure if I believe in God anymore, but I have been considering going back to church and getting involved in a bible study to see if that helps with finding hope and a purpose.



I might have missed it if you posted earlier, but are you stopping an SSRI? I want to quit taking Lexapro.

No worries, hadn't posted in here in a while before that. I was stopping Paxil, I had been jumping from SSRI to SSRI without break for the past 3.5 years and I kind of lost sight of my baseline so it was harder to tell what was working and what wasn't.

Also re; going to church, could be worth a shot. I think feeling part of a community goes a long way. If that doesn't end up working out, maybe consider seeking a local animal shelter to volunteer at.

 

[Dawg]

Last time I posted here was early july. It's been three months. The last message I posted was about how I defeated my depression and anxiety. That I was free again. I didn't know how or why, but I somehow was able to deal with all my negative thoughts suddenly. As if my mind felt clear and I could take on anything.

It has returned now. Since yesterday morning. I feel anxiety again and just overall depressed. Mostly random thoughts bothering me and feeding my anxiety.

When anxiety returns, it's like you are suddenly hyper aware of everything again. Every little detail is bothering you. Right now, one of my back teeth hurts a bit when I bit down. I keep biting down to feel the pain and it gives me anxiety. I am making a dentist appointment but until then anxiety is messing with me. It's just a basic example.

The classic symptoms have returned as well, though. I feel useless at work, it takes me forever to get basic tasks done. I feel slow and unmotivated. The difference with last week is huge. I did all my work asap and talked a lot with colleagues etc. Now all I do is wait until it's time to go home, with as little talking as possible.

I am just tired of living like this. It's always like this. I don't even remember how many times I've had this switch. I always feel good for a few months or weeks and then I will have a major depressive time that lasts several weeks. Last time was from early may to mid june. I just don't want to go through it anymore.

Sometimes I get anxiety just by hearing music. Because certain music reminds me of better times and then I get sad, which brings anxiety with it.

 

[Hamarr]

No worries, hadn't posted in here in a while before that. I was stopping Paxil, I had been jumping from SSRI to SSRI without break for the past 3.5 years and I kind of lost sight of my baseline so it was harder to tell what was working and what wasn't.

Also re; going to church, could be worth a shot. I think feeling part of a community goes a long way. If that doesn't end up working out, maybe consider seeking a local animal shelter to volunteer at.

Yeah. I've thought about volunteering at an animal shelter, too. Volunteering seems to be one of the best things to do for any sort of issues that involve getting outside of your self from what I have been told. I had a friend that went through AA that found it a huge part of his recovery. I have been reading the bible a bit again and see the volunteerism coming up there, too. It would help with that self absorption.

I accidentally went off Lexapro cold turkey. Well, I knew I would miss a couple of days, but it's been almost a week since I have been able to get a refill. It dawned on me this morning that that's the source of me feeling crazy and overly emotional since this weekend. Luckily, I was able to get someone to call it in at my new pharmacy. I'm hoping I can pick it up this evening.

I'd like to quit taking it, but need to taper it off properly. I start having intense emotions and panic attacks, and weird suicidal highs whenever I just up and quit. I was jokingly thinking I get BPD every time I go off it cold turkey.

 

[wandering]

I think I may have beat back some of my demons, but I'm terrified that they'll come back.

I hate my brain.

 

[Anung]

I managed to zone myself out and sleep through most of my intrusive thoughts today so that was cool.

It's either self medicating or self harm.

 

[jdstorm]

Well... Today is my birthday.

Which in true birthday tradition means reliving 10-15 of the worst days of my life while fighting off suicidal thoughts. I don't plan on doing anything. I quite like living most days. My brain is just being an Asshole.

Just going to find a safe space a trusty distraction to ride it all out.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

It's my ex's suicide month.

I've been sleeping a lot lately due to sickness, pain and depression. The less I'm awake the less the voices and disturbing thoughts can bother me.

 

[Hamarr]

I've been wondering if there is a way to be content with accepting that you are unlovable. Being unlovable is the biggest issue I struggle with in being suicidal. I've tried to talk to counselors and friends about accepting this, but I don't think any of them understand what it's like to so completely unattractive and what not.

I have accepted that no one will ever love me, and don't expect anything out of anyone, but I wish thinking about this didn't make me want to kill myself. I think I could be alone and happy if I could get over this, since I don't see this situation ever changing. A lot of the women around me make it clear that I am unattractive, and some pre-emptively reject me. I have given up trying to ask women out because I don't want them to have to deal with the awkwardness of turning me down.

 

[jdstorm]

I've been wondering if there is a way to be content with accepting that you are unlovable. Being unlovable is the biggest issue I struggle with in being suicidal. I've tried to talk to counselors and friends about accepting this, but I don't think any of them understand what it's like to so completely unattractive and what not.

I have accepted that no one will ever love me, and don't expect anything out of anyone, but I wish thinking about this didn't make me want to kill myself. I think I could be alone and happy if I could get over this, since I don't see this situation ever changing. A lot of the women around me make it clear that I am unattractive, and some pre-emptively reject me. I have given up trying to ask women out because I don't want them to have to deal with the awkwardness of turning me down.

Have you tried getting a pet? (Dog)

In general its a bad idea to use the oppinion of others who dont know you to set your internal value. Right now your fear seems to be controlling your life and accepting its faulty premise won't do anything but harm you.

 

[neojubei]

Why so some people get to have a successful life and win and others fail and lose at everything. Death seems to be the only way for me to escape being a loser.

 

[redlegs87]

Why so some people get to have a successful life and win and others fail and lose at everything. Death seems to be the only way for me to escape being a loser.

Stop comparing yourself to others just quit it. You're not garbage, you aren't worthless, you are just a person trying to make it through life like the rest of us. Not every single moment may be happy. Hell probably most won't be happy but that's just life. Fight for what you can.

 

[jdstorm]

Happy Story time.

Today was a good day. Everything that was clouding my mind has moved on at least for a little while. I'm feeling hopeful and good. I'm not worry free or any bullshit like that but i'm in a balanced happy place. Just needed to ride out the worst of it all.

 

[jb1234]

Autism sucks. I suck.

 

[wandering]

I’m probably fucking up my body and brain by drinking alcohol while on antidepressants but I’m past the point where I give much of a shit about my health.

Autism sucks. I suck.

You absolutely do not suck. Autism is just another way of being and experiencing the world, and that’s okay.

 

[Hermii]

Autism sucks. I suck.

Seconded

 

[Hamarr]

Have you tried getting a pet? (Dog)

In general its a bad idea to use the oppinion of others who dont know you to set your internal value. Right now your fear seems to be controlling your life and accepting its faulty premise won't do anything but harm you.

I do have a dog. I probably don't give him enough credit. I like to assume he only loves me because I give him walks and treats. But he does like to be near me and seems to be distressed when I'm gone. He's been a good buddy the last 5 years I have had him.

I have a great friend who is a bit of a straight shooter that pointed out to me that I am harboring a bit of resentment towards women. That a lot of the feelings of worthlessness is anger towards women, as well as internalized negativity towards myself. I think he's right and that I have generalized a bit when girls or women did things to mock or insult me when I was younger. He's most likely right that I now have both filters that I apply to pretty much any interaction with women now.

Is this something others have worked through? It bothers me that I feel this way, but I am glad I can recognize what it is now. I have started journaling about some of what happened and the views about myself and women that I carried away from those encounters. I probably buy too many books, but I would also like to read up more on this if there is anything useful.

 

[neojubei]

Stop comparing yourself to others just quit it. You're not garbage, you aren't worthless, you are just a person trying to make it through life like the rest of us. Not every single moment may be happy. Hell probably most won't be happy but that's just life. Fight for what you can.

If 98% of life is misery why fight for that low dumb 2%? With death I can have 0% unhappiness. I’m the antithesis of anything attractive so I know I’ll always be alone yet my heart and soul wishes it can be with someone so to end this feeling death is my only option.

 

[jdstorm]

I do have a dog. I probably don't give him enough credit. I like to assume he only loves me because I give him walks and treats. But he does like to be near me and seems to be distressed when I'm gone. He's been a good buddy the last 5 years I have had him.

I have a great friend who is a bit of a straight shooter that pointed out to me that I am harboring a bit of resentment towards women. That a lot of the feelings of worthlessness is anger towards women, as well as internalized negativity towards myself. I think he's right and that I have generalized a bit when girls or women did things to mock or insult me when I was younger. He's most likely right that I now have both filters that I apply to pretty much any interaction with women now.

Is this something others have worked through? It bothers me that I feel this way, but I am glad I can recognize what it is now. I have started journaling about some of what happened and the views about myself and women that I carried away from those encounters. I probably buy too many books, but I would also like to read up more on this if there is anything useful.

You have a dog, not a cat. Cats are all in it for the food. Not Dogs. Dogs are all about unconditional love if you treat them right.

As for working through feelings about women/bullies. Yeah i have been there. Although somewhat ironically (since its in contrast to the previous advice i gave) what got me past it was other people believing in me.

One of the worst things about depression is that a person can get caught in a negative reinforcement feedback loop. The way out of it is first learning that you are stuck in one and then rejecting the premise. That tends to be easier when you have evidence to the contrary.

Ie M was nice to me. K, she just treats me as a person, maybe i really am just like everyone else. Eventually this stuff started to pile up and i had enough evidence to convince myself that i was OK. It was a long bumpy road. But i got there. (Neither M or K were more then acquaintances but they along with a few other people (both male and female) 100% changed my life for the better)


If i could give any advice is this. Self Love is what gets a person past this. When a person is depressed one of the first things you lose is Self Esteem aka the ability to value yourself or in other words the ability to love yourself.

The thing is Love is very much a practiced skill, and like all practiced skills it gets easier the more you do it. Start small with whatever you can manage. Maybe thats taking your dog on more regular walks or being a better friend/family member. Then when you are ready think about volunteering somewhere. Maybe the local animal shelter? Whatever it is just be part of something that you feel good about being a part of.

Eventually people saying Thank you will start to feel normal. You will notice your self image will start to change. Aditionally you will now have ammunition to fight against the long held negativity you are currently holding onto. For every person who said something negative about you, you now have positive examples to refute that.


Wow that was an essay. I think i was talking to myself more then anyone else by the end there.

 

[redlegs87]

If 98% of life is misery why fight for that low dumb 2%? With death I can have 0% unhappiness. I’m the antithesis of anything attractive so I know I’ll always be alone yet my heart and soul wishes it can be with someone so to end this feeling death is my only option.

It's clear the depression is making it hard to really break through to you and I am sorry about that. I hope one day you can push past it to not let it make you so down all the time on yourself.

 

[jb1234]

It's clear the depression is making it hard to really break through to you and I am sorry about that. I hope one day you can push past it to not let it make you so down all the time on yourself.

He's been posting like that here for years now. People tried to help him at first but there's only so much non-professionals can do. I hope he finds happiness some day.

 

[cryptic]

I managed to zone myself out and sleep through most of my intrusive thoughts today so that was cool.

It's either self medicating or self harm.

what do you have where you self harm?
I've started doing it again recently, but I already have anemia from doing it for years so I can't cut as deep as my body just feels so weak all the time and tired.

 

[Hermii]

So got fired from my work practice yesterday. Pretty sure they all hate me there. I should have gotten used to rejection by now, but it still hurts.

 

[Klortch]

NVM

 

[neojubei]

So got fired from my work practice yesterday. Pretty sure they all hate me there. I should have gotten used to rejection by now, but it still hurts.

sorry to hear that.

 

[Gibbs]

It's my ex's suicide month.

I've been sleeping a lot lately due to sickness, pain and depression. The less I'm awake the less the voices and disturbing thoughts can bother me.

I'm so sorry Duke. I can't imagine how hard it is with this being the month of that unfortunate tragedy.

Sleep is the best thing, as I know you've been struggling lately. I worry about you dude and think of you everyday. I wish I could trade places with you because you deserve so much better buddy. Are you still without assistance to see a therapist, a doctor and such?

 

[TheChuggernaut]

Last time I posted here was early july. It's been three months. The last message I posted was about how I defeated my depression and anxiety. That I was free again. I didn't know how or why, but I somehow was able to deal with all my negative thoughts suddenly. As if my mind felt clear and I could take on anything.

It has returned now. Since yesterday morning. I feel anxiety again and just overall depressed. Mostly random thoughts bothering me and feeding my anxiety.

When anxiety returns, it's like you are suddenly hyper aware of everything again. Every little detail is bothering you. Right now, one of my back teeth hurts a bit when I bit down. I keep biting down to feel the pain and it gives me anxiety. I am making a dentist appointment but until then anxiety is messing with me. It's just a basic example.

The classic symptoms have returned as well, though. I feel useless at work, it takes me forever to get basic tasks done. I feel slow and unmotivated. The difference with last week is huge. I did all my work asap and talked a lot with colleagues etc. Now all I do is wait until it's time to go home, with as little talking as possible.

I am just tired of living like this. It's always like this. I don't even remember how many times I've had this switch. I always feel good for a few months or weeks and then I will have a major depressive time that lasts several weeks. Last time was from early may to mid june. I just don't want to go through it anymore.

Sometimes I get anxiety just by hearing music. Because certain music reminds me of better times and then I get sad, which brings anxiety with it.

I just went through this. The sluggish at work thing sounds externally familler. I know it’s cliche, but It’s going to get better. Things probably suck right now, and they might for a bit, but you’ll get a break when you’re happy to be alive again. You got this one, mate.

 

[Hermii]

sorry to hear that.

Thanks Neo

 

[TranceKuja]

I am just tired of living like this.

You can take some comfort in the fact that it's a cycle. It means that even though things seem shitty now, they will get better again. You know it's true because you've been through these ups and downs. Thoughts like that help calm me when it seems I'll have a rough period of anxiety ahead of me - again. It's temporary.

 

[neojubei]

In panic mode right now. A friend of mine asked me to go to another friends party at a gay club and initially I said yes but now I really don't want to deal with the judgement of the gay community. I already know I'm way over weight and horrible and going just going to be a reminder of it.

edit: decided not to go. i already know what people think of me when they see me which is why i seldom go to clubs, parties or social gatherings. sucks to know people see me as a monster rather than a person.

 

[TangerineCloud]

2017 has been such a wild year for my mental health. It's simultaneously been one of the best and worst years of my life. I've experienced and learned so much. Right now I feel like I'm in a position where the decisions I make will be ones that impact the course of the rest of my life. It feels like I'm finally at the point from which I can really start taking steps to accomplish everything I want.

I just asked for (and received) a pretty signicant raise at work, I have an internship offer on the table, my semester is going really well, I'm in a fantastic relationship, and I just started seriously taking meds for depression and social anxiety for the first time. For years, I've defined myself by the pain and self-hatred my depression and anxiety caused, but there's been no need for that recently. Everything in my life is just... going the way it's supposed to, and that's surreal as shit to me, and I'm not used to it.

For maybe the first time ever, I feel like the possibility exists that I could be happy one day. I'd honestly started to doubt that I'd ever be able to say that.

I'm just gonna keep trying my best.

 

[wandering]

fucking anxiety

fuckfuckfuck

 

[Via Purifico]

In panic mode right now. A friend of mine asked me to go to another friends party at a gay club and initially I said yes but now I really don’t want to deal with the judgement of the gay community. I already know I’m way over weight and horrible and going just going to be a reminder of it.

edit: decided not to go. i already know what people think of me when they see me which is why i seldom go to clubs, parties or social gatherings. sucks to know people see me as a monster rather than a person.

I wish I could give you a hug. I avoid going to gay clubs too but at least in my case I get ignored which in some cases that's way better than judgmental stares.

The past week it was ok and then it went all downhill from there in terms of mood. I feel like shit right now :/

 

[Hermii]

In panic mode right now. A friend of mine asked me to go to another friends party at a gay club and initially I said yes but now I really don't want to deal with the judgement of the gay community. I already know I'm way over weight and horrible and going just going to be a reminder of it.

edit: decided not to go. i already know what people think of me when they see me which is why i seldom go to clubs, parties or social gatherings. sucks to know people see me as a monster rather than a person.

I can guarantee you your mental illness is messing with you are not being judged nearly as bad as you think you are. There was a reason your friend wanted you to come to the party.

Btw did you go on that trip to Japan?

 

[Hamarr]

You have a dog, not a cat. Cats are all in it for the food. Not Dogs. Dogs are all about unconditional love if you treat them right.

As for working through feelings about women/bullies. Yeah i have been there. Although somewhat ironically (since its in contrast to the previous advice i gave) what got me past it was other people believing in me.

One of the worst things about depression is that a person can get caught in a negative reinforcement feedback loop. The way out of it is first learning that you are stuck in one and then rejecting the premise. That tends to be easier when you have evidence to the contrary.

Ie M was nice to me. K, she just treats me as a person, maybe i really am just like everyone else. Eventually this stuff started to pile up and i had enough evidence to convince myself that i was OK. It was a long bumpy road. But i got there. (Neither M or K were more then acquaintances but they along with a few other people (both male and female) 100% changed my life for the better)


If i could give any advice is this. Self Love is what gets a person past this. When a person is depressed one of the first things you lose is Self Esteem aka the ability to value yourself or in other words the ability to love yourself.

The thing is Love is very much a practiced skill, and like all practiced skills it gets easier the more you do it. Start small with whatever you can manage. Maybe thats taking your dog on more regular walks or being a better friend/family member. Then when you are ready think about volunteering somewhere. Maybe the local animal shelter? Whatever it is just be part of something that you feel good about being a part of.

Eventually people saying Thank you will start to feel normal. You will notice your self image will start to change. Aditionally you will now have ammunition to fight against the long held negativity you are currently holding onto. For every person who said something negative about you, you now have positive examples to refute that.


Wow that was an essay. I think i was talking to myself more then anyone else by the end there.

Thanks. There's a lot to take in. I would like to get out of myself more.

A lot of people have mentioned self-love. That will take a bit of work. Looking back on my past, I'm not sure how to do that, exactly. I am thinking of joining a support group to meet with others who have similar pasts.

I felt so crappy about myself that I didn't get out this weekend to do anything other than pick up groceries and walk my dog. I even chose a path where I would run into as few people as possible. Some people have been trying to get me to lose weight. I have been having some success, but now I feel so self-conscious about how fat and ugly I am. I know I need to get out and be around people more, but I also don't want to do that much until I feel better about myself. But isolating myself leads to more depression and emotional eating and hating myself. Bleh.

I hate to use the word "triggered" now, but that's kind of what it feels like. I know they are trying to help me, but it's doing a number on my brain right now.

 

[neojubei]

I wish I could give you a hug. I avoid going to gay clubs too but at least in my case I get ignored which in some cases that's way better than judgmental stares.

The past week it was ok and then it went all downhill from there in terms of mood. I feel like shit right now :/

hope this week is good for you.

I can guarantee you your mental illness is messing with you are not being judged nearly as bad as you think you are. There was a reason your friend wanted you to come to the party.

Btw did you go on that trip to Japan?

trust me i am. yeah i went to japan and the trip was pretty terrible.

Cannot help but wonder whats stopping me from dying today. its so easy to do i can just go away forever which will fix 100% of my problems.

 

[Hermii]

hope this week is good for you.



trust me i am. yeah i went to japan and the trip was pretty terrible.

Cannot help but wonder whats stopping me from dying today. its so easy to do i can just go away forever which will fix 100% of my problems.

Then why did you get invited? Makes no sense if everyone hates you.

 

[neojubei]

Then why did you get invited? Makes no sense if everyone hates you.

just dont feel like being judged than i usually am in this world.

 

[TheBear]

I'm going through some real shit right now (ended a 7 year relationship) and have found myself in a relationship with someone that is suicidal. Help.

 

[jb1234]

I'm going through some real shit right now (ended a 7 year relationship) and have found myself in a relationship with someone that is suicidal. Help.

First off, I'm sorry that you're suffering. It has to be hard ending a 7 year relationship. Can you give us more information about your current relationship? Is she receiving professional help?

 

[TheBear]

First off, I'm sorry that you're suffering. It has to be hard ending a 7 year relationship. Can you give us more information about your current relationship? Is she receiving professional help?

Thank you. I don't feel comfortable airing their shit in public (Or mine) so I don't want to get into specifics, but yes they are receiving help, albeit incompetent from their POV

 

[Smiley90]

It's really funny how when your coworkers ask you "how was your weekend" and you say "shitty", suddenly nobody knows what to say. Like, why even ask.

Spoiler

hi jb, I really don't want to be here again, so let's just hope I'm just dropping by

 

[wandering]

I had an intake with a therapist who really clicked with me and seemed very receptive and supportive, I'm hopeful for the first time in a long time.

 

[Conkersbadfurday]

Been feeling pretty extra shitty the last week and a half or so. Can't quite pin it down, though projects not going well certainly isn't helping.

But I just feel like shit and I've been extra snippy and on edge. Just everything seems awful all of the time unless booze is involved. Seems like every other word someone says to me I just want to chew them out because I'm so goddamned pissed off, and I know it's just projection because I'm mostly pissed at me for reasons I dont' quite get. But they're there!

Have a random ass day off work coming up just to get the fuck away from everyone. Honestly thinking of sleeping most of the day. Can't shake being so fucking exhausted.

It's way too early for winter depression to set in, so I really don't know why I've been like this. Driving me batshit.

 

[jdstorm]

Thanks. There's a lot to take in. I would like to get out of myself more.

A lot of people have mentioned self-love. That will take a bit of work. Looking back on my past, I'm not sure how to do that, exactly. I am thinking of joining a support group to meet with others who have similar pasts.

I felt so crappy about myself that I didn't get out this weekend to do anything other than pick up groceries and walk my dog. I even chose a path where I would run into as few people as possible. Some people have been trying to get me to lose weight. I have been having some success, but now I feel so self-conscious about how fat and ugly I am. I know I need to get out and be around people more, but I also don't want to do that much until I feel better about myself. But isolating myself leads to more depression and emotional eating and hating myself. Bleh.

I hate to use the word "triggered" now, but that's kind of what it feels like. I know they are trying to help me, but it's doing a number on my brain right now.

You should give yourself a little more credit. You got groceries and you walked your dog. If thats all you can manage thats OK. Thats good. Just being outside is a good thing. Just keep doing as much as you can.

As for the weightloss stuff. If it makes you feel bad, then set a boundary. You deserve positive people in your life who make you feel like you want to be the best version of yourself. If people who are close to you are making you feel bad, then set a hard boundary on this specific issue. Nobody has a perfect body. If you want to improve your body/fitness level then you should do it. Liking the person you see in the mirror helps with that "Self Love" process.

Just remember to apply some of the steps in the other post. Ask yourself a few questions

1. Does doing this activity make me feel good?
2. Does this activity surround me with people who accept me?
3. Does this activity encourage me and positively reinforce the good behavior i am trying so hard to do?

There are lots of different ways a person can get healthy, be it cooking/eating better (Better doesn't mean perfect), and almost any form of exercise. There are lots to choose from.

Ps. Try not to focus on weight loss. If you are regularly exercising and eating well it will just happen. Set positive goals IE. By the time Mario Odyssey releases i want to be able to do 10 Push ups ect.

PPS. Support groups can be great, especially as safety nets for when things get bad. definitely go if you find something that you want to attend. Just remember that sometimes its good to have people who don't know your past and only care about your present/future. So try and get around people like that as often as you can manage (I know it won't be easy)