Developers often leave easter eggs and such in their games, but sometimes they do more. Sometimes they leave messages in their final products. Sometimes a warning, other times a joke, and other times a series of well publicized rants that were never meant to ever be seen. I figured I'd share a few of them here for anyone like me interested in such things.
Most of these are old, it seems as times have progressed developers have become a lot more wary about what they put in, knowing now that people are watching. Or maybe they've simply gotten more sophisticated. Instead of leaving their messages in plain text, purposefully encoding their text to avoid the backlash of their forefathers, but still waiting to one day be discovered. But enough about all this forethought, let's get started.
Probably the most common developer note inside of a game, especially on C64 and amiga were the anti-piracy warnings. Some are patient and maybe even constructive.
Beast Busters (Amiga) said:
Why not try doing something constructive with your Amiga, like writing a game for example ???
It may be a lot more complex than protection removal and perhaps a little above your
understanding but with a little patience, a lot of practice and months of hard work you may
create something of which you can be proud and that people will admire you for.
No swearing, No insults, Just grow up! RB 18/07/91
Blood Money (Amiga) said:
Well hello there hackers. I'll warn you now that this game has a LOT of protection,
so it will be a few late nights for you lot. It's a mugs game anyway, you should be
writing games and making loads of money like me (you too could afford a 16V Astra
GTE), but you are obviously lacking in a few brain cells & will put a weeks work
into cracking this for what? SOD ALL, thats what. Well if you do manage to crack
it send me a copy: DAVE JONES, DMA DESIGN, MINTLAW PARK, WEST FERRY, DUNDEE DD5 1RD.
In return you will get sod all as usual. In the meantime I'll be thinking of you
when I'm in Florida, spending some of my dosh.
Others are a little less patient...
Xenon (Amiga) said:
PIRATES are the filth of the fucking world.
Three people have spent 7 months on this product,
& scum bags rip it off in a couple of minutes.
yeah, very funny aint it.
Blue Max (C64 said:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CODE? YOU REALLY MUST HAVE SOMETHING
BETTER TO DO THAN RIP ME OFF. BY TRYING TO CRACK THIS CODE YOU'RE
CHEATING ME OUT OF WHAT I SHOULD EARN FOR THE WORK I PUT INTO IT.
I WORKED HARD TO MAKE THIS GAME AND REALLY RESENT THAT I HAVE TO
GO TO THESE LENGTHS TO KEEP PIRATES OUT OF MY CODE. BUT AS LONG AS
THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE YOU TRYING TO CHEAT PEOPLE LIKE ME, I'LL BE
SPENDING AS MUCH TIME WRITING THIS SENSELESS PROTECTION AS I DO
WRITING GAMES. SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE UP RIGHT NOW AND TELL
YOUR PIRATE FRIENDS THAT YOU COULDN'T CRACK BLUE MAX. SPEND YOUR
TIME DOING SOMETHING USEFUL WITH YOUR TALENTS, INSTEAD OF MAKING
ME WASTE MINE. AND DON'T BOTHER LOOKING FOR MORE MESSAGES, THIS
IS THE LAST OF THEM. PETER ADAMS
And some are... well...
Mad Professor Mariarti (Amiga) said:
hello hacker fucker
this is matt furniss
heres the deal.
if you hack this game
i will find you
where ever you are
and break your legs
and thats a promise
Jurassic Park (Amiga) said:
MESSAGE TO FAGSHITE AND PARAPLEGIC AND ALL THE OTHER DICKHEADS!
BETTER LUCK THIS TIME! TRY AND REMOVE MORE THAT 20% OF THE
PROTECTION THIS TIME YOU USELESS CUNTS! ISN'T IT TIME YOU STOPPED
PULLING YOUR DICKS AND LEFT YOUR BEDROOMS AND GOT A REAL JOB?
Finally, putting hyperbole aside (for the most part)
Modem Wars (C64) said:
I COULD TRY TO PREACH TO YOU ABOUT
HOW PIRACY IS WRONG AND IMMORAL. I DOUBT I
COULD CONVINCE YOU. (I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
SKEPTICAL OF PEOPLE WHO DEFEND THEIR OWN
INTERESTS THROUGH MORALITY). INSTEAD LET ME
TELL YOU SOME PRACTICAL THINGS ABOUT PIRACY.
I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF JUNK ON THE
MARKET AND PROBABLY YOU THINK WE ARE ALL
GETTING RICH AT YOUR EXPENSE. I'M SURE THERE
ARE SOME PUBLISHERS AND AUTHORS WHO ARE
RIPPING YOU OFF. THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE
THEIR PRODUCT -- JUST THAT YOU BUY IT. BUT
THAT'S NOT TRUE OF ME. I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO
DO ORIGINAL, WELL WRITTEN PRODUCTS WITH
INTEGRITY AND WOULD GLADLY REFUND YOUR MONEY
IF YOU ARE DISATISFIED. HOWEVER, SINCE I
ONLY GET A DOLLAR OR TWO FROM EACH PURCHASE
MOST OF YOUR MONEY IS IN OTHER PEOPLE'S HANDS.
(BUT IF YOU WANT MY PART OF YOUR MONEY BACK,
JUST WRITE ME AT THE ADDRESS BELOW).
AS FOR GETTING RICH, IT JUST AINT TRUE
IN MY CASE. (GOING BROKE MAY BE MORE LIKE IT!)
OF THE PRODUCTS I'VE DONE IN THE PAST
(M.U.L.E., SEVEN CITIES OF GOLD, HEART OF
AFRICA AND ROBOT RASCALS) ONLY SEVEN CITIES
MADE ANY MONEY AND HEART OF AFRICA JUST BARELY
BROKE EVEN. WHAT THIS SAYS TO MY PUBLISHER IS
THE MARKET DOESN'T WANT MULTI-PLAYER STRATEGY
GAMES! BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT. FOR INSTANCE, I
HEAR FROM LOTS OF PEOPLE HOW MUCH THEY PLAYED
AND LOVED M.U.L.E. (MANY MORE THAN 7 CITIES)
BUT THE SALES DON'T REFLECT IT (7 CITIES SOLD
5 TIMES AS MANY COPIES).
THE FACT THAT YOU ARE DIGGING AROUND
ON THIS DISK AND THINKING ABOUT HOW TO DECODE
IT IS PROOF THAT THE GAME IS FUN ENOUGH TO TRY
TO STEAL IT AND GIVE IT TO YOUR FRIENDS. WELL,
IF YOU DO STEAL THIS GAME, ELECTRONIC ARTS
WILL NEVER KNOW THAT THEY ARE WRONG. YOU'VE
GOT TO LET THEM KNOW YOU WANT MORE GAMES LIKE
THIS BY VOTING WITH YOUR WALLET. ALSO, IN THAT
WAY YOU MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO FINANCIALLY
SUCCEED IN THIS BUSINESS. (BY THE WAY, SINCE
I CONVINCED EA NOT TO "COPY PROTECT" THIS
SOFTWARE, IT'S POSSIBLE TO MAKE A "SAMPLE"
COPY FOR YOUR FRIEND AND JUST HELP THEM
IDENTIFY THE MAP OVER THE PHONE BEFORE YOU
BOTH PLAY EACH OTHER).
IF I STILL HAVEN'T CONVINCED YOU NOT
TO PIRATE THIS GAME, THEN DO ME THE FAVOR OF
SENDING ME A LETTER TO TELL ME YOU LIKED THE
GAME EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN'T FEEL LIKE YOU
OUGHT TO PAY FOR IT. (YOU MIGHT SEND A COPY
TO EA TOO). I REALLY DO CARE MORE ABOUT
WHETHER PEOPLE LIKE MY STUFF THAN WHETHER I
MAKE MONEY. WE'LL GET BY SOMEHOW.
DAN BUNTEN
And you thought piracy talk from current developers was over the top, luckily there is a lot more hidden in these games than simply anti piracy rants. Sometimes if you were an industrious hacker, you'd find some sweet job oppurtunities.
NHL96 SNES said:
Tiburon Entertainment, Inc. developed this product for Electronic Arts.
Tiburon is a small developer located in Longwood Florida, a suburb of Orlando.
We develop entertainment software for console systems, and IBM Compatibles.
If you're a talented programmer or Artist please fax us your resume at 407-862-4077.
Although formal education is a plus, it's not required. This message is directed
to all you hackers and demo coders out there who might be looking through our ROMs.
We have good benefits, and pay competitive wages.
We understand that while your resume may not reflect jobs programming, that you
may still be very talented, and the opportunity may not have been available.
In this case we ask your to mail us you're demos, or examples of work you have done.
Tiburon Entertainment c/o Hey! I'm good, and I want a job
****
Moto Roader (TG16) said:
Thank you very much for purchasing this game.
Did you enjoy it?
But who are you, to be able to read this message?
If you don't mind, please give me a call.
NCS ****** (Ask for Suzuki)
Or, I also use a computer connection, so you can contact me there, too.
NCS NET ***** 7:00pm to 8:00am
Barring a job offer, you might have hit on a secret contest hidden in your child's Sesame Street game!
The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland said:
Hello There Pilgrim.......
If you have hacked this ROM, you no doubt are reading..
this text. This game is basically a 2 Meg. Game. However,..
Nintendo, in their infinite wisdom, has decreed that the..
smallest ROM they will produce for the Gameboy Color is..
8 Meg. -- Now, what to put in that empty 6 Meg.? So, the..
developers of the game decided to put .GIF pictures of..
themselves into the game. Why not? Might as well fill the..
void with something entertaining. See if you can retrieve..
them from this ROM. If you do, you win the prize. Please..
call (609) ******** (in New Jersey, USA) if you have been..
able to view the two .GIF pictures, located in the rest of..
the upper 6 Megs of this ROM. We will have a nice reward..
for you.......Good Luck!....Roger W. Amidon..
(those GIFs mentioned below)
Sometimes you just got a neat little message and a sailor moon reference.
Bust a Move (SNES) said:
Hey, wait a second; why would you copy this? In the name of the ROM, I will punish you!! If you're reading this, you're a bad person. Oh? You weren't trying to copy it, you say. Well, I'm sorry then. Got it, everyone? You can't go around copying games! Copying games is just for bad old men. So, anyway, thanks to those who bought this game. Best regards!
Maybe just some boring cheat stuff
Metal Morph (SNES) said:
Dear Hacker, yes there are some cheats and other hidden stuff in Metal Morph.
Some are on the title page and some are not!! All standard cheats are possible,
you're just gonna have to find them, b-u-u-u-d-d-d-d-y-y-y-y-y!!!
And believe it or not, these are just the "boring" bits! Now we get into the hardcore stuff, the rants game programmers never intended anyone to see. These were almost certainly someone blowing off steam after months of hard work, but they do give a lot of insight on the downsides of being a lowly programmer.
Iron Tank (NES) said:
This is the programmer, KNT
Those asshole scum Nintendo fools! Die! Go Bankrupt!
I hate the Famicom!!
That retard, Mr T!! He fuckin' killed it!
Oh my... Developers have hated Nintendo for quite a long time
A couple more Japanese developer rants...
Erika and Satoru's Dream Adventure (NES) said:
"Mmm, that's a nostalgic song playing. Those were good times. Meanwhile, who the hell are these people with this project? I'm so glad it's over. You think it's nothing but good memories? Hell no! Let's use this space to give out some thanks.
First off, Kaoru Ogura, who ran off with some guy in the middle of the project. Yes, you, you bastard. Don't show up at the office without showering after having sex 6 times the previous night. Next, Tatsuya Ōhashi. Yes, you, you bastard. Don't give me your flippant shit — coming in late on the day we ship the ROM like nothing's amiss. You can give me all the porn you want; I'm not forgetting that one. All that fucking weight you put on. No wonder you paid out 18,000 yen and still got nothing but a kiss out of it. Kenji Takano, Namco debugger. You are a part-timer; don't dick around with the project planner. And finally, Kiyoharu Gotō, the biggest thorn to my side in this project. Yes, you, you bastard. Once I get a time machine, I’m sending you back to the Edo period. Go do your riddles over there.
Ahh, that's a load off...wait, no it's not. Kiyoharu Gotō — yes, you, you bastard. Aaaagh, just disappear already.
Come to think of it, some people were helpful to me, too. Mr. Okada, who took all the good stuff. I know all about your abnormal tendencies. Yamagishi, who swore off soaplands until the project was over. Go ahead, knock yourself out now. Iwata, who joined in midway and gave it all he had. Sorry I yelled at you. Keep hanging in there. Fujimura, Udopyu, you probably had it the worst of all. Thanks. I mean it. Gotō's the one to hate here. Also, Takayama, Kudō, Suzuki, Makki, Kaneko, Aihara, Sato (the angel of my heart), Iga. Thanks, everyone.
Yoko-G, good work. This game is dedicated to your wife's birthday."
"Kazumushi, I'm sorry I couldn't come back home much. I love you and always have. Hidemushi"
http://tcrf.net/Erika_to_Satoru_no_Yume_Bouken
No punches pulled here. For anyone curious, a "soapland" is a type of Japanese brothel/"massage" parlor.
Let's try something a bit more western and slightly more recent.
Spiderman PC (2001) said:
numFrames <= 0 illegal. you're under arrest dipshit
NULL pointer to targetPos
no acceleration specified!
fix this mr. matt duncan
Shitfucker
Too Many Softspots on Mysterio
Now how, I said how in the hell did this happen?
Unknown mysterio xa
Unknown xa response
Unknown state
No mysterio. Fire Matt
softspot
softeyes
Fire Matt after kicking him decidedly in the nutsack
Fire Matt, he fucked up the rhino XA. Actually, kick him in the nuts first
Unknown substate
Fire matt
Should never get here.
Demote Matt immediately
Who's been smokin' crack today?
fire matt immediately please
http://tcrf.net/Spider-Man_(PC)
I may be a little off here... but I think he REALLY didn't like this Matt guy.
And of course, probably the single best known example of this whole thing was from The New Tetris on N64. The man behind it (David Pridie) would die only a few years after it being found, quote from his memorial site...
Most know of Dave's involvement in the video game industry programming games, but not as many know about a secret message he slipped into the final code on one of those games he worked on... the TetrisRant. At the time he got himself and H2O in quite a bit of hot water with Nintendo. He figured it was his small piece of immortality and that no one would find it for years, if at all.
It took the hardcore gamers about 3 days to find it and post it on the internet.
The rants are far too numerous to post in their entirety, but here's my personal favorite. His top "50" hate list.
The New Tetris (N64) said:
*************START LUPIN RANT FOR 50 MOST HATED THINGS********************
1] Idiot teens hanging out in front of 7'11s, KFC, McDonalds, Jack In The Box
etc... Your life REALLY SUCKS if that's the high point of your day...
2] A$$holes who spit on the sidewalk.
3] Drivers who don't know how to use a turn signal. I can reach mine with my
pinky while driving. It's not that hard.
4] Teens with their pants around their a$$.
5] People with personalized licence plates.
6] BMX bikes.
7] People panhandling me. Get a job losers! McDonalds is always hiring!
8] Bums with dogs. I'm sure the dog loves eating cheese from old pizza boxes.
9] The cheeseheads from asia who take a Honda Civic, slap some stickers on it,
put a muffler on it that makes it sound like a riding lawnmower, a ridiculous
sized fin on the back and think they have a formula 1 racer. 'Devastating
Power!' my a$$!
10] The same idiots who then drive their 'hot' civic like they are in the Indy
500 through busy traffic.
11] The huge complex hairdos on african american women, 5 layers, 6000 curls, 4
sprouting areas, 200 dangling bits, 6000 beads, air conditioning and enough
hairspray in it that it wouldn't move if Hurricane George hit it.
12] People with Kleenex, plants, knitted blankets, stuffed animals, or lacey
things in their cars rear window. I should be allowed to pull over and shoot
them.
13] People on the bus who talk so loud your forced to hear about their pointless
lives.
14] Crappy parkers who park their car REALLY close to the painted line so that
you have half a foot to get out.
15] Those old cars (ie, Cadillacs, Lincoln Town Cars, etc...)usually white for
some strange reason... with the acient driver who always drives WAY under the
speed limit.
16] People who write a cheque for a $2 bag of nachos at Safeway.
17] Corvettes, Comaros and Firebirds. Come on, the 80s are OVER!
18] A$$hole tailgaters.
19] Idiots who think they can pedal a bike as fast as a car, so they ride in the
middle of a traffic lane. You should be allowed to run them over, it looks like
natural selection to me.
20] Teenagers on television news reports expressing their opinions on something.
If your under 18 I don't give a sh1t about what you have to say...
21] The singer Brandy, Celine Dion, all the divas....
22] Twits who wear a huge parka outside when its sunny and a mild 5-10 C. The
same thing goes with the whole scarf thing.
23] Muni busses that smell like urine. Which is most of them.
24] Corporate Broadcasting logos in the corner of the channel your watching.
25] Web pages that pop open other pages and windows and then disable your 'back'
button.
26] People who walk around with a huge 'portable' stereos blaring, sharing their
music with everyone around them. Usually crap rap.
27] Junk mail.
28] Peice of sh1t cars that spew out huge noxious clouds behind them.
29] People that throw out huge items on the curb expecting the garbage people to
remove it. Like old dirty matresses. They don't of course, and it sits on the
curb for weeks.
30] Budweiser beer and the people who drink it. I'd rather suck the piss out of
a pig... Its time to poison the bud.
31] Drivers who turn onto the road RIGHT in front of you causing you to slam on
the brakes, even though there is no one for hundereds of feet behind you.
32] People who drive 3/4 in one lane and 1/4 in another... what the hell is
that????
33] Religous people who push their drivel on you when your walking down the
street. Or come knocking on your door.
34] Dead web page links and 'Document not found' errors.
35] Racisist people and the crap they spew out.
36] Those stupid add banners from Geocities on the Internet when you hit
someones home page going through them...
37] All country music.
38] Minivans.
39] People who spray paint their names on rocks, signs, trees etc, in national
parks. Like I care that Bill graduated in 86.
40] Small yappy 'feeder' dogs. Like little Yorkies, poodles, etc...
41] People in the fast lane who drive just 2 km/hr faster than the guy in the
'slow' lane, dawdling along.
42] Film crews making bad movies most people doent want to see blocking the
streets and being annoying.
43] Big fat bugs that splat on my windshield.
44] Those really tight spandex cycling pants on men, they are usually sooooo
tight, you can tell if they are cirumcised.
45] Those really tight spandex cycling pants on 90% of the women. Big fat a$$es
and *wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide* camel toes.
46] Those really annoying commericals from Rogers Cable that tell you all about
the 'evils' of satalite tv and how lucky you are to be getting cable for a mere
$65 a month.
47] Commercials that are SO bad on tv, you have to wonder about the sh1t for
brains who thought them up. Like the Old Navy commericals, or the old as hell
commercial for Sarah Lee, that is STILL ON THE AIR, 'let them eat cake' and 'But
Patrick, I'm to old for life insurance.' Shoot them ALL!
48] Losers that listen to totally cheezy radio stations and then slap dozens of
their stupid stickers all over thier car.
49] Lilith Fair. I say when they are all hugging, listening to the music,
sharing tampons, and bitching about how evil men are, toss in a few hundered
grenades while recording it on camera. Sell the video as a 'To Hot for TV' tape
late at night.
50] Cheap a$$ manufacturers of DVDs who list as 'features' chapters, interactive
menues, and the time. These arent features. Thats like calling your computers
keyboard a 'feature'. Lame a$$ marketing people.
51] DVD manufactureres that sell their DVDs for $40 and up, just because they
know people will pay for it. DVDs have actually become MORE expensive than when
they first came out.
52] Nintendo and everything about them.
53] Old people who clog up the sidewalk walking super slow when you want to get
somewhere.
54] Looking at demo-reels at work that are so incredibly bad, that I just want
to call them up and tell them to go f*ck their demo reel and to never EVER send
another one out to anybody. EVER.
55] Spiders. All spiders. Everyone of them.
56] How on the Nintendo 64 game machine, half the damn titles for it are called
'miscvidgame 64'. Why not come up with a real name? Why is everyone just
slapping a 64 on all the games?
************************************END LUPIN RANT************************
http://tcrf.net/The_New_Tetris
As I said earlier, there doesn't seem to be a lot of these things in newer games, but then again they may be there and simply better hidden... Some of these are definitely tabloidish, but certainly an intersting part of gaming history.
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