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Cringe My wife is getting more and more frigid as we get older and I’m getting so resentful

gela94

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Aug 24, 2018
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Sorry, not sorry, but almost all the advice about talking this kind of issue out is pure, unadulterated, and complete nonsense designed to protect a narrative and never actually addressing both parties' needs for a healthy relationship. People who give this advice will typically offer other gems such as making sure to help around the house, with the kids, etc. (ie: try meeting her needs). They will also, quite frequently, make little demeaning jabs at the guy trying to stop a bad situation from leading to no situation at all (see above). But they rarely, if ever, say the woman should make her husband feel like she gives a shit about having sex with him. And they never explain what to do when the talk just leads to more cold shoulders.

If it's a two way street the talking advice is sound (will either resolve the issue or force it to a head). But unless its a two way street that goes both ways, all this advice does is make the situation worse. It puts the guy into a cycle of trying to make things better while only feeling worse about themselves when everything they do leads no-where. If you really want to help the situation, but cannot bring yourself to tell both sides how important it is to meet each other's needs, then the best advice is to end the situation before several more years of resentment add up, making co-parenting even more difficult.
Sorry, not sorry, but almost all the advice about talking this kind of issue out is pure, unadulterated, and complete nonsense designed to protect a narrative and never actually addressing both parties' needs for a healthy relationship. People who give this advice will typically offer other gems such as making sure to help around the house, with the kids, etc. (ie: try meeting her needs). They will also, quite frequently, make little demeaning jabs at the guy trying to stop a bad situation from leading to no situation at all (see above). But they rarely, if ever, say the woman should make her husband feel like she gives a shit about having sex with him. And they never explain what to do when the talk just leads to more cold shoulders.

If it's a two way street the talking advice is sound (will either resolve the issue or force it to a head). But unless its a two way street that goes both ways, all this advice does is make the situation worse. It puts the guy into a cycle of trying to make things better while only feeling worse about themselves when everything they do leads no-where. If you really want to help the situation, but cannot bring yourself to tell both sides how important it is to meet each other's needs, then the best advice is to end the situation before several more years of resentment add up, making co-parenting even more difficult.
Well, like I said already OP didn't give much information about the whole situation and yes I only read the original post. I never said that it is just his responsibility, of course a relationship is a 2 way street. OP also didn't seemed very interested in real advice. But yes since the OT he gave some more information like talking a lot about this with her, so yes in this case it is difficult if the other part is unwilling for improvement.
To be honest talking about cheating, no matter who, makes me extremely annoyed with people, so maybe my reaction wasn't very helpful.
 

gela94

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Don't even get me started on how strongly I'm opposed to infidelity, but to me, this is far more an issue of someone stuck in what sounds like a failed and loveless marriage, and you judging them rather than offering support or concern.

I agree, though, you never cheat.
Yes, I'm amazed how many people find cheating ok. But yes his wife doesn't sound like she is willing to put some effort into the relationship to improve the situation, what to do as a man, when divorce would lead to something akin to living on the street.
 

Yoshi

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How would Viagra increase libido.

It is just a vasodilator (dilates blood vessels) . It has no hormonal properties.
Physiology and psychology are linked though, it would not surprise me if increased blood flow to sexorgans may increase the sex drive.
Monogamy is retarded. Just enjoy sex, life is too short.
If you do not want to live monogamously, that's fine, but if you marry someone, you do indicate somewhat that you intent to do so...
 

crowbrow

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If you do not want to live monogamously, that's fine, but if you marry someone, you do indicate somewhat that you intent to do so...
You can be non-monogamous in a marriage. I've known cases similar to OP where a partner loses the sex drive and lets the other sleep with other people to maintain the relationship. Anyways, whatever works for people but people should be open to find creative solutions and not resign themselves into a miserable existence just to follow a social manual.
 
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ph33rknot

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When we got married, our sex drives never matched up completely but at least we did it a few times a week and she seemed into it.

Now that we’re older with a couple of kids, sex sucks. I initiate 99% of the time, and she rejects 99% of my advances. I feel like I have to whine and bitch to get sex and I hate it. We only do missionary cause she refuses to do anything else and lately she even hates to kiss. Frankly I think about leaving all the time but I’m ugly so I don’t have tons of other prospects. I’ve considered escorts just to scratch that itch, but she handles the finances so she would see the missing cash and ask questions. Plus I just started a professional career and getting arrested would obviously put that in jeopardy.

Anyway, yes I’m live journaling. Not really asking for advice but it feels good to get this out. Not a lot of other outlets.
Tell her communication is important bra
 
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Yoshi

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You can be non-monogamous in a marriage. I've known cases similar to OP where a partner loses the sex drive and lets the other sleep with other people to maintain the relationship. Anyways, whatever works for people but people should be open to find creative solutions and not resign themselves into a miserable existence just to follow a social manual.
I agree that in situations such as op, this would be a practical solution if both feel fine with it. But one size does not fit all, some people do like monogamous relationships and commit to such. It is not retarded. Not for you, maybe, and I am fine with that, but for others this is a suitable life model.
 

crowbrow

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I agree that in situations such as op, this would be a practical solution if both feel fine with it. But one size does not fit all, some people do like monogamous relationships and commit to such. It is not retarded. Not for you, maybe, and I am fine with that, but for others this is a suitable life model.
Agree, I was just kidding. For some people if monogamy works then more power to them!
 
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DisplayingSuperman

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Aug 22, 2019
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When we got married, our sex drives never matched up completely but at least we did it a few times a week and she seemed into it.

Now that we’re older with a couple of kids, sex sucks. I initiate 99% of the time, and she rejects 99% of my advances. I feel like I have to whine and bitch to get sex and I hate it. We only do missionary cause she refuses to do anything else and lately she even hates to kiss. Frankly I think about leaving all the time but I’m ugly so I don’t have tons of other prospects. I’ve considered escorts just to scratch that itch, but she handles the finances so she would see the missing cash and ask questions. Plus I just started a professional career and getting arrested would obviously put that in jeopardy.

Anyway, yes I’m live journaling. Not really asking for advice but it feels good to get this out. Not a lot of other outlets.
#1. Stop begging.
#2. If you have multiple kids, she's probably exhausted by carrying you (like helping with finances, etc).
#3. Help her around the house. My wife tells me we have different love language. Mine is seeing her bend over with showing me that apple bottom. Hers? "Do the laundry". "Help with dish's". "Choke me during sex "(just kidding).
#4. Stop begging.
#5. Jerk it.
#6. Jerk it more.
#7. Do the dish's.
#8. Stop begging.
#9. Romanticize her. Get to know HER love language and stop begging.
 
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Stiflers Mom

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#1. Stop begging.
#2. If you have multiple kids, she's probably exhausted by carrying you (like helping with finances, etc).
#3. Help her around the house. My wife tells me we have different love language. Mine is seeing her bend over with showing me that apple bottom. Hers? "Do the laundry". "Help with dish's". "Choke me during sex "(just kidding).
#4. Stop begging.
#5. Jerk it.
#6. Jerk it more.
#7. Do the dish's.
#8. Stop begging.
#9. Romanticize her. Get to know HER love language and stop begging.
So you are thinking that by doing the dishes your wife will get horny for you?
Really?

Honest question: does it work?

I have heard lots of crazy stuff about what gets women horny, but to be honest, I thought doing the dishes wasn't one of those things... :D

How do you get her to climax? Are you cleaning the floor?
 

Yoshi

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So you are thinking that by doing the dishes your wife will get horny for you?
Really?

Honest question: does it work?

I have heard lots of crazy stuff about what gets women horny, but to be honest, I thought doing the dishes wasn't one of those things... :D

How do you get her to climax? Are you cleaning the floor?
He did not tell you about the clothing choice while doing the dishes.
 

Stiflers Mom

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What I wanna say, though, is, that being in that situation with two different women in m life, trying to save my marriage like relationship, being more supportive and taking over more of the household chores never made her more receptive to my love advances.

On the contrary, she will detest you for acting more and more to appease to her.
She might even tell her friends what a pussy you became, and how she is in control of everything, including your money and your dick.

Women want strong independent men. Which is almost impossible keeping in a relationship, being married and living together.

My sister is on the other side of exactly that kind of relationship, and we had a lot of good talks about it.

She detests her husband who is of the super loving caring type. She managed to not sleep with him for over three years now. No joke..

It's even hard for me to have any respect for that guy. Poor sod.

Really, if a marriage has went that far, ask yourself if thie is worth it for you. Weigh out the positives and the negatives.

If it doesn't work, jump ship.
 
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Stouffers

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What I wanna say, though, is, that being in that situation with two different women in m life, trying to save my marriage like relationship, being more supportive and taking over more of the household chores never made her more receptive to my love advances.

On the contrary, she will detest you for acting more and more to appease to her.
She might even tell her friends what a pussy you became, and how she is in control of everything, including your money and your dick.

Women want strong independent men. Which is almost impossible keeping in a relationship, being married and living together.

My sister is on the other side of exactly that kind of relationship, and we had a lot of good talks about it.

She detests her husband who is of the super loving caring type. She managed to not sleep with him for over three years now. No joke..

It's even hard for me to have any respect for that guy. Poor sod.

Really, if a marriage has went that far, ask yourself if thie is worth it for you. Weigh out the positives and the negatives.

If it doesn't work, jump ship.
You talk to your sister about her sex life?
 

Stiflers Mom

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You talk to your sister about her sex life?
Not in details off course, but she isn't exactly happy in her marriage either, so this particular topic naturally came up while discussing it.
It's really interesting to hear what the "other side" feels and has to say about that situation.
 
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Bolivar687

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You could embrace the gift and self-mastery that comes with celibacy - at least you wouldn't be a whiny little bitch around your kids, whose lives literally depend on you being masculine, engaged, and in control. If your wife controls your finances, you might have a problem in that department. This option also wouldn't ruin you and your family's lives like it would if you started paying hookers to bust in them or had an affair.

If you think you're too ugly to get anyone else you should take that as an opportunity to reevaluate how you present yourself. Jordan Peterson said that when couples run into these kinds of problems you should diagnose what your love life is like outside of the bedroom first and try to be more playful.

I also think the therapy option others have suggested is a good idea, too, because there's probably things going on outside of your marriage that really need to be addressed.
 
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DisplayingSuperman

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Aug 22, 2019
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So you are thinking that by doing the dishes your wife will get horny for you? Really?[\quote]

I am not thinking. I know so because she tells me that. She communicates that as "love language". It's communication.

Honest question: does it work?[\quote]

Yes.

I have heard lots of crazy stuff about what gets women horny, but to be honest, I thought doing the dishes wasn't one of those things... :D[\quote]

For my wife, yes. Helping her around the house and taking things off of her plate and opening the lines of communication can save relationships. That's my wife's love language. Your wife's could be something totally different. Communicate. Pry it out of her of what she is feeling, what she need. If she gets angry or goes against everything you're saying

How do you get her to climax? Are you cleaning the floor?
Doing dish's and doing house chores, to her, is an emotional connection. By the time we get to the bedroom though, I typically put her legs around my head, eat her out, etc. The clitoris is your friend for climaxing.

Honestly, if you exhausted all of your resources, counseling and talking to a professional may be your best bet. If it still goes South...I wish you well.
 
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MilkyJoe

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My advice;

Stop sleeping with her altogether
Stop asking for it
See how she reacts
Give her the time between three periods leeway to instigate sex
If she doesn't then you are well within your rights, with a clean conscience, to go nob some 20 year old brass. Fuck it, get two.
 

Chittagong

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Jun 8, 2004
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My advice;

Stop sleeping with her altogether
Stop asking for it
See how she reacts
Give her the time between three periods leeway to instigate sex
If she doesn't then you are well within your rights, with a clean conscience, to go nob some 20 year old brass. Fuck it, get two.
This sounds like a fair game plan.

You will need a plausible use of cash. Maybe suggest you are paying for your personal trainer by cash on the side and then start building your escort stash, and go to town. Keep protected, and keep it out of home. Use a burner phone.

That is, if it becomes clear you have no sex life. Women can change though, and seem to become hornier as 40 approaches, so things could pick up again.
 
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DisplayingSuperman

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Aug 22, 2019
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He did not tell you about the clothing choice while doing the dishes.
Red Granny Panties underwear, bruh. DUH. For real, the point isn't "do the dish's". My main point was open the line of communication and emotionally connect with her. She may be needing something from him and doesn't know how to communicate it properly. Her language could be anything. Getting down to the bottom of it through communication is key.
 
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DisplayingSuperman

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Women want strong independent men. Which is almost impossible keeping in a relationship, being married and living together.
This is a very strong use of over-simplifying and generalizing. This all resides in the heads of a man or woman's head of what the opposite sex wants or needs in a relationship. Wants and needs differ from relationship to relationship. Believing in a stigma one way or another and speaking for what "woman" or "men" want could land you in hot water. It comes down to individuality, sacrifice, understanding and communication. One person may want a strong and independent partner who dominates, some want an emotional connection full of feelings, humility and trust. Opening things up and getting to know your partner and then growing unconditionally is key.
 
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SlimySnake

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What I wanna say, though, is, that being in that situation with two different women in m life, trying to save my marriage like relationship, being more supportive and taking over more of the household chores never made her more receptive to my love advances.

On the contrary, she will detest you for acting more and more to appease to her.
She might even tell her friends what a pussy you became, and how she is in control of everything, including your money and your dick.

Women want strong independent men. Which is almost impossible keeping in a relationship, being married and living together.

My sister is on the other side of exactly that kind of relationship, and we had a lot of good talks about it.

She detests her husband who is of the super loving caring type. She managed to not sleep with him for over three years now. No joke..

It's even hard for me to have any respect for that guy. Poor sod.

Really, if a marriage has went that far, ask yourself if thie is worth it for you. Weigh out the positives and the negatives.

If it doesn't work, jump ship.
this guy gets it. OP, she is done with you and dont listen to any of these jackasses who think being nice and loving to her will get her to fuck you. you think you are ugly because she has made you think you are ugly. she is an awful person. if a girl had posted on this board saying she feels ugly because her husband wont fuck her, all these white knights wouldnt tell her to be romantic or do the dishes.

get her checked for depression, bipolar disorder, post partum depression, etc. no one in a marriage deserves to be treated like you have been. dont go and cheat because that will just give her an excuse to dump you, take your money, your house, your kids and throw you out on the curb. and the courts will side with her.

the only option you have is to be a man and initiate sex. she will make you feel like a bitch but fuck it. you are a man, you can take it. it might not work but its the only way you are getting any sex. if you let her be, she will go months and might even go behind your back because she isnt getting any at home.

every marriage is different, and this advice might not work for you, but its better than showing her love and care when she is clearly not appreciative of it. its the definition of insanity. do the opposite.
 
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DisplayingSuperman

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Don't be a bonehead either, OP. This is not a situation to flex your ego. The OP's situation is WELL BEYOND sex. It's not about that. This goes much deeper. This is a physiological level that needs tapped into. Unfortunately, if all lines of communication have been exhausted and if the OP tried everything in his being (including counselling) and his wife is still going against that grain, it may be a failed relationship beyond repair. "Initiating sex" or forcing yourself onto something who clearly isn't interested isn't the answer. This situation isn't about being a "man's man" and all of that. NONE OF THAT WILL WORK. If the OP is posting here and is exhausted, it may be time for a serious approach rather than a dominating one. Counselling and communication is key. Some relationships sometimes just don't work and people grow separate. I wish the OP well and hope he can reconcile and things work out. You have my best regards, OP.
 
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Stiflers Mom

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This is a very strong use of over-simplifying and generalizing. This all resides in the heads of a man or woman's head of what the opposite sex wants or needs in a relationship. Wants and needs differ from relationship to relationship. Believing in a stigma one way or another and speaking for what "woman" or "men" want could land you in hot water. It comes down to individuality, sacrifice, understanding and communication. One person may want a strong and independent partner who dominates, some want an emotional connection full of feelings, humility and trust. Opening things up and getting to know your partner and then growing unconditionally is key.
That's like your opinion, and I am happy for you that it works for you. But then you seem to a very solid foundation for your relationship, and you are probably not even in the vicinity of being in a sexless and unhappy marriage

I have studied these dynamics for a long time now from both sides of the coin, and in no way it works this way for most other people out there who are in the OPs' position.

What you are doing is telling somebody living on 1 buck a day he shouldn't take life so serious and simply get rich, while you are being a billionaire already..
 

Miku Miku

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Go for the nuclear option if she isn't into sex. Show up, initiate sex or whatever you guys are doing. But show up with some handcuffs, anal toy, clit toy, dildo, and make sure she cums multiple times before you stop. And don't cum in her, cum on her face since her hands will be tied up. And after that, you can slap her in the face with your dick a few times for good measure. Then take all the money from her wallet and tell her you want your money back. Then change your direct deposits into your own account.

This will either reinvigorate your sex life, or end the relationship.
 

haxan7

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Go for the nuclear option if she isn't into sex. Show up, initiate sex or whatever you guys are doing. But show up with some handcuffs, anal toy, clit toy, dildo, and make sure she cums multiple times before you stop. And don't cum in her, cum on her face since her hands will be tied up. And after that, you can slap her in the face with your dick a few times for good measure. Then take all the money from her wallet and tell her you want your money back. Then change your direct deposits into your own account.

This will either reinvigorate your sex life, or end the relationship.
 

nush

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Oct 16, 2017
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This sounds like a fair game plan.

You will need a plausible use of cash. Maybe suggest you are paying for your personal trainer by cash on the side and then start building your escort stash, and go to town. Keep protected, and keep it out of home. Use a burner phone.

That is, if it becomes clear you have no sex life. Women can change though, and seem to become hornier as 40 approaches, so things could pick up again.
Just a sim not a whole phone, easier to conceal. Take up a sport, will explain why you come home freshly showered and not contactable for an hour as the phone was in the locker while you played. For god sake don't forget to clear the GPS.
 

DisplayingSuperman

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Aug 22, 2019
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That's like your opinion, and I am happy for you that it works for you. But then you seem to a very solid foundation for your relationship, and you are probably not even in the vicinity of being in a sexless and unhappy marriage

I have studied these dynamics for a long time now from both sides of the coin, and in no way it works this way for most other people out there who are in the OPs' position.

What you are doing is telling somebody living on 1 buck a day he shouldn't take life so serious and simply get rich, while you are being a billionaire already..
Of course I'm speaking from experience and that's all that I can possibly offer. I'm no expert on the OP. What worked for my marriage won't work for everyone but digging down to the bottom-less pit and pry out lines of communication and understanding on a physiological level can atleast kick-start a new line of thinking.

My wife and I did that for each other and it helped get to where we needed to be, but we are both open with each other and are always willing (and we continue to work at it) something OP's partner may not be a fan of. The OP can pick and choose to listen to other testimonials but if you really focus on the point of my posts, I'm telling the OP to take it very serious and have a line of communication open and seek professional well being for both parties or it can crumble more-so than it already has. This goes well beyond sex as his partner seems to of checked out on him as a person. You may study this stuff but your way of thinking on a message board may also be bad advice because nobody knows the OP or his wife. Sitting in front of a therapist is one of the options that may be his only hope.
 

SlimySnake

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Don't be a bonehead either, OP. This is not a situation to flex your ego. The OP's situation is WELL BEYOND sex. It's not about that. This goes much deeper. This is a physiological level that needs tapped into. Unfortunately, if all lines of communication have been exhausted and if the OP tried everything in his being (including counselling) and his wife is still going against that grain, it may be a failed relationship beyond repair. "Initiating sex" or forcing yourself onto something who clearly isn't interested isn't the answer. This situation isn't about being a "man's man" and all of that. NONE OF THAT WILL WORK. If the OP is posting here and is exhausted, it may be time for a serious approach rather than a dominating one. Counselling and communication is key. Some relationships sometimes just don't work and people grow separate. I wish the OP well and hope he can reconcile and things work out. You have my best regards, OP.
no one is saying to force or rape your wife. wtf.

you HAVE to initiate no matter how bad rejection feels. same goes for asking girls out on a date. you wont ask a teenager to stop asking out girls just because rejection might make him feel like shit. men always have to initiate and suck up our feelings. no one gives a shit.

i do agree that their issues are well beyond sex but they are still together. be it for kids or stability or laziness. might as well try to have sex instead of sit back and let three years pass without sex like the guy's sister i quoted above.
 

DisplayingSuperman

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Aug 22, 2019
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no one is saying to force or rape your wife. wtf.

you HAVE to initiate no matter how bad rejection feels. same goes for asking girls out on a date. you wont ask a teenager to stop asking out girls just because rejection might make him feel like shit. men always have to initiate and suck up our feelings. no one gives a shit.

i do agree that their issues are well beyond sex but they are still together. be it for kids or stability or laziness. might as well try to have sex instead of sit back and let three years pass without sex like the guy's sister i quoted above.
Noone is talking about rape (I even hate typing that word) but in OP's original post, he said he "initiates sex 99% of the time" and "is rejected 99% of the time" so he is initiating all of the contact with no cigar. The OP feels he has no other options to turn to, even thinking about live girls and thinking of things that would jeopardize his job so in the end, I hope he finds peace first before trying to fix her or the marriage. It's a pretty hopeless situation to be in and I feel for the OP. Sometimes, there aren't many answers. It'll come down to the ones responsible for the relationship at the end of the day.
 

Cybrwzrd

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no one is saying to force or rape your wife. wtf.

you HAVE to initiate no matter how bad rejection feels. same goes for asking girls out on a date. you wont ask a teenager to stop asking out girls just because rejection might make him feel like shit. men always have to initiate and suck up our feelings. no one gives a shit.

i do agree that their issues are well beyond sex but they are still together. be it for kids or stability or laziness. might as well try to have sex instead of sit back and let three years pass without sex like the guy's sister i quoted above.
Unpopular opinion. If you entered into a marriage without coercion, you are contactually obligated to provide sex to your partner at will. Consent is granted via the contract of marriage.

If you refuse your partner sex, you are breaking the contract.
 

Cybrwzrd

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i will show this post to my wife and get back to you if i am still alive.
Well, sounds like she should divorce you if she doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore.
 

Tsukumo

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This is somewhat widespread in marriages after the birth of a child. When a child is born he becomes the most important bond for a mother, so all other relationships tend to dilute because of it.
So I'm not going to give you advice but I'm going to tell you that the way people solve this is basically picking up the wife all over again. Like being more distant and excluding the wife from a man thoughts and struggles, to restore a little bit of misteriousness. At the same time they pair up the sexual advances with daylight romantics: texts, comments about her beauty, small (SMALL!) gifts. All the antics they did the first time around.
Girls, just like guys, fall in love with the people they fuck, so they resist the advances of a partner because subconsciously they want to move on and take care only about the child.
And unless she is asian you shouldn't allow the wife to take care of the entire worth of money you have. She may see you as dependent on her because of it. Even if all the money is brought in by you.