Cool!
-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #217 - "Discovery"
- Thread starter Charade
- Start date
Cool!
The Ants Go Marching (1188)
#entry
#entry
I really thought I'd do something about Fermi's Paradox but ended up busting this out instead.
I really want to keep editing, but I will never stop if I don't stop now.
Always a Queen! (about 2300 words)
#entry
Always a Queen! (about 2300 words)
#entry
Can you just turn in what you have?
I'm away all day, so no
but I plan on finishing this thing once I'm home and if I don't get any sleep tonight then so be it!Do it!
I'm away all day, so no
Wow, that's hard core. There's very little that should be prioritized before sleep...
To be fair, I had not anticipated to get home at half past one in the morning... Still, gonna see how far I get before my brain goes on strike and finish up the rest in the morning hours. It'd be easier if I hated my idea, but I'm rather fond of this one so I want to see it finished one way or another.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Entries:
Cowlick - Consumed
Cyan - The Enchanter's Apprentice
Charade - The Shoulder of Orion
choodi - The forge of Parnassus
Cathy - Second Chance
'Mike M - Brave Souls'
Dongs Macabre - The Fallen Climb
Alucard - Chasing Death
Keleesto - untitled
kage - untitled
Tangent - The Ants Go Marching'
LaMagenta - Always a Queen!
duplicate entries:
[['Mike M',], ['Tangent',Tangent - untitled]]
>>>
Cowlick - Consumed
Cyan - The Enchanter's Apprentice
Charade - The Shoulder of Orion
choodi - The forge of Parnassus
Cathy - Second Chance
'Mike M - Brave Souls'
Dongs Macabre - The Fallen Climb
Alucard - Chasing Death
Keleesto - untitled
kage - untitled
Tangent - The Ants Go Marching'
LaMagenta - Always a Queen!
duplicate entries:
[['Mike M',], ['Tangent',Tangent - untitled]]
>>>
Don't worry Mike. i'm too depressed and lazy to ignore the deadline this time
Everything okay?
choodi
Banned
Woke up this morning with a head splitting migraine. Seems like even my body wants me to give up
I feel your pain. I have had a migraine all afternoon and I start a new job tomorrow. No way I can call in sick on my first day. Need to get some sleep.
Dongs Macabre
aka Daedalos42
.
Last edited:
Feedback...
"Consumed" by Cowlick - the ending fell flat for me. It went out with a whimper, which is too bad because the writing and dialogue were both interesting enough. I felt like you just ran out of words.
"The Enchanter's Apprentice" by Cyan - a great twist that I didn't predict but should have been able to. I think it's too early in the morning for me to really grapple with the copyrighted enchantments stuff that was in here, but I enjoyed the core of the story. That said, I felt I was reaching the end after he discovered the enchantment only to realize I was halfway through the story. So in that regard it felt long because the discovery and backstory at the start took a long time. The way you did it is something that's only possible in fiction, though...you basically had a character sitting at a table and musing to himself. I was intrigued, but was surprised at how much more there was to go once he discovered the enchantment. Not sure what that says? Oh! I also would've used a stronger noun like "fatigue" instead of "tiredness" at one point.
"The Shoulder of Orion" by Charade - I found the tone of this really uneven. The characters and their dialogue felt very Michael Bay-ish in the beginning and bordered on sitcom-level comedy for something that probably should have been played a bit darker. Was the monolith supposed to be the literal bone of a God? Can't say it didn't keep my interest, but mostly because the character actions and dialogue felt so exaggerated and erratic. (Reading this before 8am on Monday)
"The forge of parnassus" by choodi - interesting, though I had a hard time believing they would've so readily gone onto the ship before JANE completed her scan. Kind of dumb on their part and made the rest of it more than a bit unbelievable. Otherwise, I still like the clarity of your prose.
"Second Chance" by Cathy - found it weird to choose the third person narrator. Didn't think they added much to the story. What does Night do, exactly? He's a prof? I may have missed that bit. If so, I'm sorry. Otherwise, Night was intriguing but I wanted to know more about him. I also didn't understand how the other guy was going to live forever, exactly. Was it literal or figurative immortality? The ending was a bit unclear, and the tweedle dee and tweedle dumb line was weird so late in a story.
"Brave Souls" by Mike M - really liked the dialogue in this one, and I was okay with the mystery of what Walter actually saw. The whole thing had a mad scientist vibe to it, and the twist was expected and left me annoyed at the US government official as it should have. Overall, a neat Twilight Zone short.
"The Fallen Climb" by Dongs Macabre - I loved this. It was like night and day compared to your last work, and I think that's probably because there's a lot of autobiography in this. I felt utterly sad when the door was closed in the protagonist's dream. (which happened while he napped on a plane I guess?) I think I really felt this story because I have a similar relationship to my Polish roots, so the young assimilated Canadian immigrant is a story that hits very close to home for me. I thought you did a very good and honest job with this. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with next.
"Untitled" by Keleesto - I really, really liked this. I enjoyed your descriptions and found the story really easy to follow and to stay invested. It was clear, which is harder to achieve than many people think! Oddly enough, I was super confused by your opening paragraph and the use of "her." Maybe just change it to "Rebecca's" instead? Not sure how others feel about this.
"Oneironaut" by kage - very engaging narration, but the cursing at he start felt out of place once we got to the end and most of the story was done in plain language. Also not sure why an intern was necessary to the story. Was there a reason for this? Was it to show how annoyed the POV was? To show his personality? The ending was cool too. Shared dreams have a pretty big appeal to me, so I enjoyed that bit.
"The Ants Go Marching" by Tangent - Oddly enough, I liked the final "motherfucker" here. @_@ Seemed to fit well with Jill's frustration, which I can totally empathize with...except replace "ants" with "mice." I really like your style, Tangent. Like I said, there's no mistaking it for anyone else's. There's a gentle simplicity to your work that's engaging. Never would have thought to write a story like this. Good job for originality.
"Always a Queen" by LaMagenta - goddamn. The hate and vitriol were palpable here. I loved it in its own sick and twisted way even if the twist feels like a common one since Oldboy. Still makes my skin crawl to even start thinking about it as a father. Yuuuuuck. That said, I thought the POV would have been more distraught and conflicted by the discovery at the end. Still, I really enjoyed this one and liked the twists and turns it took. You put a lot of thought and care into it, and it showed. Great job! Definitely liked this leaps and bounds more than the pirate confusion from the last challenge. This was much clearer and much more focused. I was surprised by how much of a turnaround you made with just one story. Keep it up!
Votes:
1. Dongs Macabre
2. LaMagenta
3. Cyan
HM: kage, keleesto.
This was a tough one, but I can say my top three were definitely the ones that resonated most with me.
(Will edit this post and post more as I go)
"Consumed" by Cowlick - the ending fell flat for me. It went out with a whimper, which is too bad because the writing and dialogue were both interesting enough. I felt like you just ran out of words.
"The Enchanter's Apprentice" by Cyan - a great twist that I didn't predict but should have been able to. I think it's too early in the morning for me to really grapple with the copyrighted enchantments stuff that was in here, but I enjoyed the core of the story. That said, I felt I was reaching the end after he discovered the enchantment only to realize I was halfway through the story. So in that regard it felt long because the discovery and backstory at the start took a long time. The way you did it is something that's only possible in fiction, though...you basically had a character sitting at a table and musing to himself. I was intrigued, but was surprised at how much more there was to go once he discovered the enchantment. Not sure what that says? Oh! I also would've used a stronger noun like "fatigue" instead of "tiredness" at one point.
"The Shoulder of Orion" by Charade - I found the tone of this really uneven. The characters and their dialogue felt very Michael Bay-ish in the beginning and bordered on sitcom-level comedy for something that probably should have been played a bit darker. Was the monolith supposed to be the literal bone of a God? Can't say it didn't keep my interest, but mostly because the character actions and dialogue felt so exaggerated and erratic. (Reading this before 8am on Monday)
"The forge of parnassus" by choodi - interesting, though I had a hard time believing they would've so readily gone onto the ship before JANE completed her scan. Kind of dumb on their part and made the rest of it more than a bit unbelievable. Otherwise, I still like the clarity of your prose.
"Second Chance" by Cathy - found it weird to choose the third person narrator. Didn't think they added much to the story. What does Night do, exactly? He's a prof? I may have missed that bit. If so, I'm sorry. Otherwise, Night was intriguing but I wanted to know more about him. I also didn't understand how the other guy was going to live forever, exactly. Was it literal or figurative immortality? The ending was a bit unclear, and the tweedle dee and tweedle dumb line was weird so late in a story.
"Brave Souls" by Mike M - really liked the dialogue in this one, and I was okay with the mystery of what Walter actually saw. The whole thing had a mad scientist vibe to it, and the twist was expected and left me annoyed at the US government official as it should have. Overall, a neat Twilight Zone short.
"The Fallen Climb" by Dongs Macabre - I loved this. It was like night and day compared to your last work, and I think that's probably because there's a lot of autobiography in this. I felt utterly sad when the door was closed in the protagonist's dream. (which happened while he napped on a plane I guess?) I think I really felt this story because I have a similar relationship to my Polish roots, so the young assimilated Canadian immigrant is a story that hits very close to home for me. I thought you did a very good and honest job with this. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with next.
"Untitled" by Keleesto - I really, really liked this. I enjoyed your descriptions and found the story really easy to follow and to stay invested. It was clear, which is harder to achieve than many people think! Oddly enough, I was super confused by your opening paragraph and the use of "her." Maybe just change it to "Rebecca's" instead? Not sure how others feel about this.
"Oneironaut" by kage - very engaging narration, but the cursing at he start felt out of place once we got to the end and most of the story was done in plain language. Also not sure why an intern was necessary to the story. Was there a reason for this? Was it to show how annoyed the POV was? To show his personality? The ending was cool too. Shared dreams have a pretty big appeal to me, so I enjoyed that bit.
"The Ants Go Marching" by Tangent - Oddly enough, I liked the final "motherfucker" here. @_@ Seemed to fit well with Jill's frustration, which I can totally empathize with...except replace "ants" with "mice." I really like your style, Tangent. Like I said, there's no mistaking it for anyone else's. There's a gentle simplicity to your work that's engaging. Never would have thought to write a story like this. Good job for originality.
"Always a Queen" by LaMagenta - goddamn. The hate and vitriol were palpable here. I loved it in its own sick and twisted way even if the twist feels like a common one since Oldboy. Still makes my skin crawl to even start thinking about it as a father. Yuuuuuck. That said, I thought the POV would have been more distraught and conflicted by the discovery at the end. Still, I really enjoyed this one and liked the twists and turns it took. You put a lot of thought and care into it, and it showed. Great job! Definitely liked this leaps and bounds more than the pirate confusion from the last challenge. This was much clearer and much more focused. I was surprised by how much of a turnaround you made with just one story. Keep it up!
Votes:
1. Dongs Macabre
2. LaMagenta
3. Cyan
HM: kage, keleesto.
This was a tough one, but I can say my top three were definitely the ones that resonated most with me.
(Will edit this post and post more as I go)
- Cowlick: The twist doesn't work for me, at least as I understood what was happening (that it being actually set in the far future with a tribe using ancient smart devices). Lost tribes that have the infrastructure intact to charge smart devices aren't going to be primitive, and those that don't are going to have functioning smart devices, among other issues.
- Cyan: Not sure why the guy feels that he shouldn't be bothered by the fact his boss is so much younger than him, it's my experience that most people in that position generally *are* for a whole host of valid psychological reasons. I think an explanation of what the copyright stuff of the guild actually does could have come sooner, as the previous mentions doesn't impart the idea of anything more severe than conventional copyright law, which would basically mean, what, people couldn't publish it? Twist was good, though.
- Charade: This didn't ever really escape the shadow of the Markers in Dead Space, right down to having a special field around it that produced some unusual effect. You lost me with the climax, as Cheryl is absolutely not going to be up and walking after cutting out her own stomach, as that would involve cutting at least two arteries supplying the stomach itself, and that'd be taking a surgical approach. Jack's insistence that it was a bone wasn't any sort of twist or revelation to me, it was just confusing an anticlimactic since we never find out what's going on.
- choodi: I don't think the computer log actually added anything to the story, as the very first three sentences handle much the same thing far more succinctly, and you don't need it to set up the one toward the end. That probably should have been the end of it, as the epilogue/prologue just took a fairly solid ghost ship story and introduced needlessly complicating elements that aren't addressed or resolved in the time they have on the page.
- Cathy: Usually this would be ”I already told you what I thought on Friday," but seeing as how we never actually got together on Friday... I felt the central setup here was a bit weak; the idea that no one finance a light-speed engine or that it would receive only limited government funds is only exceeded in my incredulity by the fact that the plans for a light-speed drive would be concocted by only two men in the space of a year. Even accounting for Night's genetically predetermined genius, it's a hard sell that he's quite that adept at such a broad range of involved scientific fields.
- Mike M: As I mentioned earlier in the thread, the ending of this one is wasted on anyone who's not familiar with some of my earlier stuff, as Walter is a recurring character of mine. I can provide links if anyone wants to read those stories, but it's a pain in the butt on my laptop, so I'm not going to do it right this second. Walter is part of a pretty well-developed head cannon of mine, and his ”origin story" as it were is something I've had planned out pretty much in its entirety for a while. Curie was a new addition; He's the real-life brother of Pierre Curie, who was himself into spiritualism, so it seemed a good historical person to pin a ”magic as science" disposition on.
- Dongs Macabre: This filled me with a sense of melancholy at the end that the protagonist went to such lengths and efforts only to end up empty-handed with no answers to anything. I totally would have gone through the door, regardless of whether or not I understood what the woman was saying. If I'd come that far, I'm not going to not go through a magic door at the top of a mountain reaching into space just because of some language barrier issues.
- Alucard: Vrej is the only apothecary in an entire kingdom? Really? Really? And it's not like we seem to even be using it as a euphemism for a magic user or something. This is one of those stories that would be resolved if people would just stop and talk. Did Kuma at least try battering Vrej's release for his assistance before drugging him? Kuma didn't think it was worthwhile to explain what was going on until he was mortally wounded? There's room on the scale for him to be a bloodthirsty warlord without being completely unreasonable.
- Keleesto: Man, but the time Korea is colonizing Antarctica, I think the climate might be a little too-far gone for removing CO2 from the atmosphere to do much. Putting aside my issues with the idea that a clone could only be as old as the original currently is and not anything younger (if you're making a clone that's not being aged in realtime and can be modified in the first place, what's keeping you from pulling it out of the tank at age 25 or something?), I'm hazy on what the process even entails. They make a new body for her, transfer a copy of her consciousness, and the original just keeps on living their life like normal? What's the benefit of being cloned here if all it does is produce someone else who's got your memories and personality and you're still you?
- kage: Maybe it's the fact that I've had similar ideas for stories (even similar titles) that I pretty much instantly knew the score the second the Dream Lady showed up. Everything after that was just a matter of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Kind of hard not to imagine some scenes from Inception when reading this.
- Tangent: I think I may have mentioned in times past that I grew up in Fresno. If there's anyone familiar with how sweltering California can get, it's anyone who's been to the Central Valley in summer. Such a fucking pit, I hate it there so fucking much, urrrrrrrrrrgh. Also, that made me familiar with the problem of ants. Curiously, I've never had that problem in the Pacific Northwest, though my wife (from the region) assures me it's a thing up here, too. Fucking ants, man.
- LaMagenta: Man, what kind of boorish a-hole can't dip a tea bag without splashing tea everywhere and then just leave it on the counter? The scheme seemed to gloss over some things; The protagonist knows how to steal a car, knows what is frankly sort of complex schema for the security codes, but needs the internet to tell her to clean up after her crime? And she slept in the maid's bed after poisoning the tea? I guess some allowances for bone-headed mistakes can be made since she's rather new to this murder thing, but there were some questionable moves in there for someone who had allegedly been reading up on how to pull it off.
Votes:
1. Cyan
2. Keleesto
3. Charade
Mike M, thanks for the feedback. It was a first draft and I self-admittedly know it's not my best work. :-/ I wasn't feeling it beyond the idea of a badass female champion whipping around a claymore on guys in skull masks. Maybe it could've been better with more time. I'm aiming for better with the next one.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Cowlick - Consumed: This didn't really grab me. It's a little front loaded with you explaining characters and motivations. Your story revolves around finding Goodman but there isn't really much of a struggle to get to Goodman. Just the one obstacle and then we're at Goodman. So the search isn't the interesting part, which means the finding of a culture of magic is the real interesting part, but you end on it, and we don't really explore what that means in the long run. Even if I didn't like it, I did miss your style Cowlick. Your writing was generally clear, character's thought out, and I thought your description of magic at the end was pretty good.
Cyan - The Enchanter's Apprentice Immediately I am not prepared for this? First person present tense?! Are you insane?! I can't think of another story of yours that's done that? The style works very well here, and I'm impressed at the quality all around. I thought there would be atleast one jarring part but no, it's all solid and flows smoothly. I did start out a little confused at the concept of a copyright spell though, and thus, the role of the guild and how this guy's potion will ruin them until about halfway through the story. I like the twist. It's a very good twist, it's just the reveal feels too much like a ”ha! I got you!" moment with him over explaining the twist. A bit more subduedness would definitely make the twist hit a bit more for me.
Charade - Shoulder of Orion: I appreciate your string of horror stories. I kind of felt the ending was a little to abrupt, but I hold that to the word count, not you. The title helps the events of the story make sense in retrospect, and I want to applaud you for being so subtle in your eldritch horror. I think the big problem for me, and why this didn't completely work for me, is two aspects. One; you see Jack's descent into madness, but Cheryl's is not as shocking or jarring. All she does is laugh, and while the scene was awkward, I didn't really see enough of her to make it out o character for her. Especially when i chuckled at the stoned joke. Two; in your big finale, I was instantly taken out of it when you said she cut out her stomach because that is absolutely not how that would work. I can get into a litany of biology, but the long-short of it is the stomach is one of those things where you'd just die if you cut a massive hole in it. Jack I can buy though, and his mangled body was a good reveal.
Chodi - The Forge of Parnassus: This was pretty good in a lot of ways. Normally I don't like that kind of computer terminal datalog stuff in stories, but I thought it worked really well here, especially when you ended on it. I kind of wished you did end on that. You might have risked your ending being a bit confusing, but I'm not really a fan of your epilogue even if it's clear there is a larger story here than the word count can contain. A small note: I feel like in a salvage job, there is something they can grab, because when you do salvage, you grab litterally anything: plates:, chairs, stuff not stuck to the wall. It's sort of like robbing someone only with a fancier word.
Cathy - Second Chance: Okay, that twist got me, mostly because it comes pretty far out of left field. It also opens up a lot of questions I kind of want to ask, but the story just ends. I think the thing that's mostly weighing on my mind is, does it really count if it's a clone that goes out into space? Not the real person? Like, he's going to die of old age anyways even if there is someone in space. I have mix feelings about the personal little asides from the MC, mostly because they felt very..... Aside. You might want to try adding little bits of world information and such in them. Not enough for an exposition dump, but like the the PIE thing-cute name, isn't it?, you could added a bit about the history of the program or something. Just a thought.
Dongs Macrabre - The Fallen Climb: I liked the beginning part as you explain why the MC is climbing up the mountain, but when you switch styles to really short sections, it kind of lost me because I wasn't sure why? Whatever the purpose of it, it flew over my head and just jarred me. I swung quite a bit around when we got to the red door and the mysterious woman behind it. That scene was pretty well done and very interesting to read. If I could recommend one addition to that great scene, maybe a bit more specificity in her actions and movements. She's not communicating with her voice, so you should be clear in her form communication.
Alucard - Chasing Death I thought the action was good. I'm a bit of a sword buff, so i always give points when I see things like ”high-parry" Very quick and visceral and you actually made your fight scenes enjoyable to read (and more importantly, not a mess to read) which I find rare in fiction so good job. My big issue with this is mostly that Juliana is kinda boring. She's all grit and fight and outside of killing people I didn't really care much for her, so the more emtoional/talking bits feel flat for me. Tough and Gruff characters like Julliana are usually tough to carry a story with, that's why a lot of people partner them with a snarky foil or something (Though i don't know if I'd recomend doing that because that's kind of a cliche tbh).
Mike M - Brave Souls: I tried for about half an hour to find an article I read on things bilingual people are sick of seeing in fiction, but one of them is randomly dropping different language words into sentences. ”Necronauts" is an amazing term. Holy shit. I did not really expect the device to peirce into the realm of the dead, so that was an interesting revelation. I don't relaly have much to say on this, I liked the ending with Erikson's last line, it offered a bit of literary depth to the story, but outside of the general concepts, I didn't really feel for it. I think it's because once it's revealed it would go to the world of the dead, I kind of already knew everything that was going to happen afterwards.
Keleesto - The Price of Promotion This was really good. I enjoyed parts of it. Other bits: not so much. A lot of the Korean stuff read a little iffy to me, like talking about the Korean people. As a general rule, i get a little iffy when people use ”their people" or stuff like that. Outside of that, I really liked where it went. I'm a little surprised the big scientific hook ended up being cloning. The ending, while I like in spirit, left me a bit confused as to why the Koreans would sacrifice everything to help this one lady out.
Kage - Oneironaut Welcome aboard. And really strong first entry. You did a neat little gimmick that honestly really worked out well and complimented your story amazingly. Good job!I think the story might need a bit of work, even if the style was pitch perfect. I was a more than a little confused by the ending, though I think I get it? He made up the voice? Or was the voice? Again, not too sure what happened, though I think if I did, I would have liked it.
Tangent - The Ants Go Marching: In the ant section, the switch from third to first confused the hell out of me. The end was a fun little punchline that really encapsulates what it's like constantlydealing with losing to pests. Since people are sharing pest stories, my apartment was once invaded by yellow jackets that got in through an open window by the hundreds. Shit was pretty scary.
LaMagenta - Always a Queen! This murder plot was just bang bang bang (as in really quick) All the pieces got into place and just kind of moved like clockwork. I have mixed feelings about the baby reveal. Its a good twist, and pretty dark, but you only bring up the baby right before the reveal, so that feels like cheating. But if you brought it up earlier, well I'd probably guess the twist, but I'm okay at guessing twists. The pace was a little too fast, and the murder plot went a little too smoothly for me, but overall I enjoyed this and thought your MC was pretty interesting.
Votes
1. Cyan
2. Charade
3. Dongs Macabre
I'm okay kind of? I don't know, it's complicated. The short story (badumptish) is that I have some pretty serious issues with depression and some events kind of spiraled it these last few days. Honestly, it's nothing I'd call "new" just a little worse than it usually gets. I do really appreciate your concern though. Knowing some people care about your well being always helps.
It should be mentioned and remembered that it's okay to submit meh stories to the challenges. Not everyone writing is writing on their A game. The point is to put in the effort to get something out. Sometimes that something is good, sometimes it's not, sometimes its a surprise even to ourselves.
Cyan - The Enchanter's Apprentice Immediately I am not prepared for this? First person present tense?! Are you insane?! I can't think of another story of yours that's done that? The style works very well here, and I'm impressed at the quality all around. I thought there would be atleast one jarring part but no, it's all solid and flows smoothly. I did start out a little confused at the concept of a copyright spell though, and thus, the role of the guild and how this guy's potion will ruin them until about halfway through the story. I like the twist. It's a very good twist, it's just the reveal feels too much like a ”ha! I got you!" moment with him over explaining the twist. A bit more subduedness would definitely make the twist hit a bit more for me.
Charade - Shoulder of Orion: I appreciate your string of horror stories. I kind of felt the ending was a little to abrupt, but I hold that to the word count, not you. The title helps the events of the story make sense in retrospect, and I want to applaud you for being so subtle in your eldritch horror. I think the big problem for me, and why this didn't completely work for me, is two aspects. One; you see Jack's descent into madness, but Cheryl's is not as shocking or jarring. All she does is laugh, and while the scene was awkward, I didn't really see enough of her to make it out o character for her. Especially when i chuckled at the stoned joke. Two; in your big finale, I was instantly taken out of it when you said she cut out her stomach because that is absolutely not how that would work. I can get into a litany of biology, but the long-short of it is the stomach is one of those things where you'd just die if you cut a massive hole in it. Jack I can buy though, and his mangled body was a good reveal.
Chodi - The Forge of Parnassus: This was pretty good in a lot of ways. Normally I don't like that kind of computer terminal datalog stuff in stories, but I thought it worked really well here, especially when you ended on it. I kind of wished you did end on that. You might have risked your ending being a bit confusing, but I'm not really a fan of your epilogue even if it's clear there is a larger story here than the word count can contain. A small note: I feel like in a salvage job, there is something they can grab, because when you do salvage, you grab litterally anything: plates:, chairs, stuff not stuck to the wall. It's sort of like robbing someone only with a fancier word.
Cathy - Second Chance: Okay, that twist got me, mostly because it comes pretty far out of left field. It also opens up a lot of questions I kind of want to ask, but the story just ends. I think the thing that's mostly weighing on my mind is, does it really count if it's a clone that goes out into space? Not the real person? Like, he's going to die of old age anyways even if there is someone in space. I have mix feelings about the personal little asides from the MC, mostly because they felt very..... Aside. You might want to try adding little bits of world information and such in them. Not enough for an exposition dump, but like the the PIE thing-cute name, isn't it?, you could added a bit about the history of the program or something. Just a thought.
Dongs Macrabre - The Fallen Climb: I liked the beginning part as you explain why the MC is climbing up the mountain, but when you switch styles to really short sections, it kind of lost me because I wasn't sure why? Whatever the purpose of it, it flew over my head and just jarred me. I swung quite a bit around when we got to the red door and the mysterious woman behind it. That scene was pretty well done and very interesting to read. If I could recommend one addition to that great scene, maybe a bit more specificity in her actions and movements. She's not communicating with her voice, so you should be clear in her form communication.
Alucard - Chasing Death I thought the action was good. I'm a bit of a sword buff, so i always give points when I see things like ”high-parry" Very quick and visceral and you actually made your fight scenes enjoyable to read (and more importantly, not a mess to read) which I find rare in fiction so good job. My big issue with this is mostly that Juliana is kinda boring. She's all grit and fight and outside of killing people I didn't really care much for her, so the more emtoional/talking bits feel flat for me. Tough and Gruff characters like Julliana are usually tough to carry a story with, that's why a lot of people partner them with a snarky foil or something (Though i don't know if I'd recomend doing that because that's kind of a cliche tbh).
Mike M - Brave Souls: I tried for about half an hour to find an article I read on things bilingual people are sick of seeing in fiction, but one of them is randomly dropping different language words into sentences. ”Necronauts" is an amazing term. Holy shit. I did not really expect the device to peirce into the realm of the dead, so that was an interesting revelation. I don't relaly have much to say on this, I liked the ending with Erikson's last line, it offered a bit of literary depth to the story, but outside of the general concepts, I didn't really feel for it. I think it's because once it's revealed it would go to the world of the dead, I kind of already knew everything that was going to happen afterwards.
Keleesto - The Price of Promotion This was really good. I enjoyed parts of it. Other bits: not so much. A lot of the Korean stuff read a little iffy to me, like talking about the Korean people. As a general rule, i get a little iffy when people use ”their people" or stuff like that. Outside of that, I really liked where it went. I'm a little surprised the big scientific hook ended up being cloning. The ending, while I like in spirit, left me a bit confused as to why the Koreans would sacrifice everything to help this one lady out.
Kage - Oneironaut Welcome aboard. And really strong first entry. You did a neat little gimmick that honestly really worked out well and complimented your story amazingly. Good job!I think the story might need a bit of work, even if the style was pitch perfect. I was a more than a little confused by the ending, though I think I get it? He made up the voice? Or was the voice? Again, not too sure what happened, though I think if I did, I would have liked it.
Tangent - The Ants Go Marching: In the ant section, the switch from third to first confused the hell out of me. The end was a fun little punchline that really encapsulates what it's like constantly
LaMagenta - Always a Queen! This murder plot was just bang bang bang (as in really quick) All the pieces got into place and just kind of moved like clockwork. I have mixed feelings about the baby reveal. Its a good twist, and pretty dark, but you only bring up the baby right before the reveal, so that feels like cheating. But if you brought it up earlier, well I'd probably guess the twist, but I'm okay at guessing twists. The pace was a little too fast, and the murder plot went a little too smoothly for me, but overall I enjoyed this and thought your MC was pretty interesting.
Votes
1. Cyan
2. Charade
3. Dongs Macabre
I'm okay kind of? I don't know, it's complicated. The short story (badumptish) is that I have some pretty serious issues with depression and some events kind of spiraled it these last few days. Honestly, it's nothing I'd call "new" just a little worse than it usually gets. I do really appreciate your concern though. Knowing some people care about your well being always helps.
It should be mentioned and remembered that it's okay to submit meh stories to the challenges. Not everyone writing is writing on their A game. The point is to put in the effort to get something out. Sometimes that something is good, sometimes it's not, sometimes its a surprise even to ourselves.
Votes:
1. Cyan - Great twist I did not see coming, but instantly makes sense. The last bit with the repetition from the first 2 paragraphs makes for a powerful ending.
2. Mike - Despite not having read (I think) any of your other stories with the Walter character or the setting, I thought it was fine as a standalone, albeit probably missing some impact with the revelation of it being an origin story. But this gets my vote simply for the entirety of the experiment-gone-wrong scene being exceedingly well-written, in action and detail.
3: Keleesto - I very much liked the concept of clones being made as an improvement to the original person. You seemed to imply the original stays the same, which presents an interesting dilemma. Gets a bit muddy though since it's presented as a reward for Rebecca, but if she stays the same (no transfer) how is she going to enjoy the modified looks, etc. of the new person. I'm guessing just a straight up copy paste, which would fit with how it's presented in your story as a "reward" all but in name, and would actually be quite frightening.
HM. Dongs Macabre - Not sure how to describe this accurately, but I like how the story starts somewhat grounded but always maintains a sense of something more, so the more fantastical element at the end fits pretty seamlessly.
1. Cyan - Great twist I did not see coming, but instantly makes sense. The last bit with the repetition from the first 2 paragraphs makes for a powerful ending.
2. Mike - Despite not having read (I think) any of your other stories with the Walter character or the setting, I thought it was fine as a standalone, albeit probably missing some impact with the revelation of it being an origin story. But this gets my vote simply for the entirety of the experiment-gone-wrong scene being exceedingly well-written, in action and detail.
3: Keleesto - I very much liked the concept of clones being made as an improvement to the original person. You seemed to imply the original stays the same, which presents an interesting dilemma. Gets a bit muddy though since it's presented as a reward for Rebecca, but if she stays the same (no transfer) how is she going to enjoy the modified looks, etc. of the new person. I'm guessing just a straight up copy paste, which would fit with how it's presented in your story as a "reward" all but in name, and would actually be quite frightening.
HM. Dongs Macabre - Not sure how to describe this accurately, but I like how the story starts somewhat grounded but always maintains a sense of something more, so the more fantastical element at the end fits pretty seamlessly.
Votes:
1. Cyan
2. Keleesto
3. Mike M
hm. Dongs Macabre
Some (limited, on just the voted ones...sorry to the rest of you!) feedback:
Cyan: I always love your stories, but for some reason, this might be one of my favorites. More than before, I became very attached to the MC. So much so, that the ending was enraging. You created a very good build up, and the injustice of the situation makes me want to scream out, "Now write a sequel, where the MC receives justice and becomes a master!" It's so sad to think the MC is stuck, eternally. I also thought that the MC was very relatable, but also the master. Well done with that. Also, I like how there was "discovery" on so many levels, and you had a great twist.
Keleesto: This was a fascinating story and so fun to read. It led into interesting directions and would be fun to read in a flushed out version. I was a bit surprised that the Koreans would drop everything for this one person, but I also liked that you made that choice, because it makes the reader ask a lot of important questions.
Mike M: What are you talking about? I think this is just fine as a stand-alone story. Kind of cool how you can make a story like this a sort of origin story. The realm of the dead bit was pretty cool. As usual, I liked the writing and the style.
Dongs Macabre: Wow, I loved how this story unfolded. It was so engaging and relaxing to read.
La Magenta: Quick comment, this was fun to read! I don't read murder mysteries often and I think they're also hard to write well, but you nailed it.
Thanks for sharing. For what it's worth, we all think you're the bomb, here in NeoGAF-land. Depression sucks. Especially when it dips even more. I admire how you can push forward. I can't imagine how hard that must be.
Also, I agree: I think sometimes it's helpful to submit even if you're submitting your "meh" work. It's helpful to just stay in the game and have a sense of routine. At least, for me. I often think of stopping just because of the time consumption, but find that some accountability and deadlines is helpful.
1. Cyan
2. Keleesto
3. Mike M
hm. Dongs Macabre
Some (limited, on just the voted ones...sorry to the rest of you!) feedback:
Cyan: I always love your stories, but for some reason, this might be one of my favorites. More than before, I became very attached to the MC. So much so, that the ending was enraging. You created a very good build up, and the injustice of the situation makes me want to scream out, "Now write a sequel, where the MC receives justice and becomes a master!" It's so sad to think the MC is stuck, eternally. I also thought that the MC was very relatable, but also the master. Well done with that. Also, I like how there was "discovery" on so many levels, and you had a great twist.
Keleesto: This was a fascinating story and so fun to read. It led into interesting directions and would be fun to read in a flushed out version. I was a bit surprised that the Koreans would drop everything for this one person, but I also liked that you made that choice, because it makes the reader ask a lot of important questions.
Mike M: What are you talking about? I think this is just fine as a stand-alone story. Kind of cool how you can make a story like this a sort of origin story. The realm of the dead bit was pretty cool. As usual, I liked the writing and the style.
Dongs Macabre: Wow, I loved how this story unfolded. It was so engaging and relaxing to read.
La Magenta: Quick comment, this was fun to read! I don't read murder mysteries often and I think they're also hard to write well, but you nailed it.
Holy crap, that yellow jacket story sounds like a nightmare.
Thanks for sharing. For what it's worth, we all think you're the bomb, here in NeoGAF-land. Depression sucks. Especially when it dips even more. I admire how you can push forward. I can't imagine how hard that must be.
Also, I agree: I think sometimes it's helpful to submit even if you're submitting your "meh" work. It's helpful to just stay in the game and have a sense of routine. At least, for me. I often think of stopping just because of the time consumption, but find that some accountability and deadlines is helpful.
I don't usually get a chance to read feedback for others but somehow saw this as I was scrolling through... but I respectfully disagree.... I think there are two ways to see how the main character talked about his thoughts towards the younger master: (1) he is truly fine with it (maybe he's from the Silicon Valley where stuff like that happens all the time and you have to get over your own stupid ego and just appreciate a boss that's cool -- if they are...because that's what matters, not age, or, (2) he's not entirely fine with it, but he's trying to convince himself that he is OK with it.
Wow, I really appreciate your comment, again, Alucard. I sometimes get frustrated with the "simplicity" of my word choice and can't seem to write about anything complex. It's very limiting. Grrr! So, anyway, I'm glad that you appreciate my style, nevertheless.
Guess we might as well call it.
1.)Cyan - The Enchanter's Apprentice
2.) Charade - The Shoulder of Orion
3.) Cowlick - Consumed
Cyan - 16 (4)
Charade - 11(2)
Cowlick - 6(1)
Dongs Macabre - 5(1)
keelisto - 5
Choodi - 3(1)
kage - 3
Mike M -
La Magenta - 2
Congratulations Cyan! I would like to think that the last week might have given you some inspiration regarding secondary objectives
1.)Cyan - The Enchanter's Apprentice
2.) Charade - The Shoulder of Orion
3.) Cowlick - Consumed
Cyan - 16 (4)
Charade - 11(2)
Cowlick - 6(1)
Dongs Macabre - 5(1)
keelisto - 5
Choodi - 3(1)
kage - 3
Mike M -
La Magenta - 2
Congratulations Cyan! I would like to think that the last week might have given you some inspiration regarding secondary objectives
Thanks dudes! I will put up a new challenge soon.
You are probably wondering, like, did I do this for some reason? Did someone maybe suggest that I try using a different POV and then I kind of ran with it? Nah, nobody made any suggestions and if they had I wouldn't have listened. All my writing is ex nihilo.
You are probably wondering, like, did I do this for some reason? Did someone maybe suggest that I try using a different POV and then I kind of ran with it? Nah, nobody made any suggestions and if they had I wouldn't have listened. All my writing is ex nihilo.
New challenge is go: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1417368