New to open relationships - Your experiences?

[Thickstone]

My SO and I agreed on opening up our relationship after roughly 1 1/2 years. I'm totally new to the concept, having only been in entirely monogamous relationships before.

Reasons are job related (we don't see each other that often) and sex drive related, meaning that I'm way more sexually active than he is which led to some unpleasant discussions to say the least. It was not easy for us to warm up to the concept as it is our first open relationship and we used to consider us to be pro-monogamy no matter what. Guess that has somehow changed...

We discussed a set of rules regarding things we consider as cheating so there is still room for misbehavior despite being an open thing.

But apart from that, do you have any other suggestions to make this work? What are your experiences in general?

 

[Escape Goat]

Youre concerned about cheating but you can fuck other people? How does that work?

 

[echoshifting]

Communication is key. Never make a move to hop into bed with somebody else until you've cleared it with your S/O, even though you've laid down rules...unless, of course, one of those rules is "I don't want to know."

And make sure those rules are rock solid. Google some rules that other people have come up with for open relationships. Talk a lot about it before you do anything to make sure everyone is actually comfortable with it. I mean, a lot. Talk about it after you've done something for the first time, your partner may experience emotions he was not expecting and you may have to back off from the whole thing.

Your partner's willingness to experiment with this may wax and wane, yours may as well. Be prepared to adapt and always communicate, communicate, communicate.

 

[B33]

Communication is paramount to an open relationship working.

You have to also understand that trying to close the relationship again may instead result in it ending.

 

[Thickstone]

Youre concerned about cheating but you can fuck other people? How does that work?

By not sticking to the rules we discuss. Cheating is not necessarily about fucking others but rather about abusing the trust of your partner.

 

[B33]

By not sticking to the rules we discuss. Cheating is not necessarily about fucking others but rather about abusing the trust of your partner.

The issue is enforcing it (because it's based off one's word) and keeping the channels of communication open.

Don't transition into an open relationship unless you trust your partner.

 

[WolfeTone]

Having read a number of these threads on GAF before, I imagine many of the replies will be pretty negative (Arrested Development gifs).

Sounds like you discussed the boundaries of it before agreeing to it, good job, that's very important. The crucial thing is that you communicate with each other throughout, including any feelings of jealousy or negativity about the arrangement.

Open relationships can work as long as you are both honest with each other. Don't do anything you would be ashamed to tell your partner. If you're considering doing something with someone else that you feel like you want to hide from your partner, then it's probably not a good idea. Don't let any feelings of guilt creep into your relationship.

 

[RoodyPooUS]

This works for a select few.

Most likely will end poorly, but who knows, this may be one of the few cases where it ends well.

 

[echoshifting]

Having read a number of these threads on GAF before, I imagine many of the replies will be pretty negative (Arrested Development gifs).

Yeah there's a lot of hate for open relationships here, hope you're prepared for those posts op.

 

[DizzyCaffeine]

You barely see each other and you're not sexually compatible...umm, why not just be friends?

 

[stufte]

From people I know who have been in one, it rarely works. One of my good friends just divorced over it.

 

[WolfeTone]

Yeah there's a lot of hate for open relationships here, hope you're prepared for those posts op.

I don't understand the hate personally. Seems like open relationships/non-monogamous relationships are becoming more common. The term 'polyamory' is something that most people have at least heard of, even if their view of it is negative.

I read this article recently which suggested that 5% of the US population identifies as polyamorous. I was shocked that it was such a high number. Maybe times are changing

http://mic.com/articles/140416/is-c...tm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social#.hKlRiToeY

 

[Thickstone]

You barely see each other and you're not sexually compatible...umm, why not just be friends?

'Barely' is not quite right. It's 6 weeks on, 6 weeks off.

Because it's more than friendship and we couldn't imagine being together with others.

 

[Starfish Hero]

The open relationship conversation is very often the beginning of the end for a relationship. Tread carefully.

Open relationships don't have a great track record unless they start open, from what I noticed.

 

[Correctomundo]

I've been in one for 12 years. My advice? Be a goddamned adult and don't use it as a free license to fuck whoever, whenever.

 

[Laevateinn]

The open relationship conversation is very often the beginning of the end for a relationship. Tread carefully.

Open relationships don't have a great track record unless they start open, from what I noticed.

I've been with my girlfriend for 11 years now and have been openish for 3 or 4. We're perfectly happy.

On topic: communication is key. We have a set of rules that basically boil down to "avoid attachment" and let each other know what happened and have never had any problems. Relationships should be about communication more than anything. Why force exclusivity if you both are mature and comfortable enough to go beyond it?

 

[Rabbi_Vole]

If you're not the woman in this arrangement, you're on the losing end.

 

[Thickstone]

I've been with my girlfriend for 11 years now and have been openish for 3 or 4. We're perfectly happy.

On topic: communication is key. We have a set of rules that basically boil down to "avoid attachment" and let each other know what happened and have never had any problems. Relationships should be about communication more than anything. Why force exclusivity if you both are mature and comfortable enough to go beyond it?

How did you experience the transition from closed to open?

 

[Starfish Hero]

I've been with my girlfriend for 11 years now and have been openish for 3 or 4. We're perfectly happy.

On topic: communication is key. We have a set of rules that basically boil down to "avoid attachment" and let each other know what happened and have never had any problems. Relationships should be about communication more than anything. Why force exclusivity if you both are mature and comfortable enough to go beyond it?

Not saying it can't/won't work, but often the topic is brought up because cracks exist in the relationship and getting intimate with someone outside the relationship is enough to end it all together.

 

[The_Kid]

Been in one for 1 1/2 out of the almost 3 years we've been dating and things have been golden. Honestly it's about communication, ground rules, and being completely open with your partner.

Ignore the people that say it can't work. Everyone's situation is different.

 

[Laevateinn]

How did you experience the transition from closed to open?

It was mostly a matter of just talking about it. It's not something we take advantage of a lot. Mostly while we're traveling. She hasn't done much outside, which is probably somewhat unusual in our situation but I'd be perfectly happy if she did more.

There has been times when there was jealousy but that was solved by more talking.

I think if you're close enough that you feel comfortable discussing everything with each other. As with every other type of relationship being 100 % honest with each other is key.

 

[Juice]

If you're not the woman in this arrangement, you're on the losing end.

What does this even

 

[RDreamer]

First bit of advice: Don't ask GAF about this. This is one of those topics GAF just isn't good with.

Second bit: Be honest and communicate everything. Don't let things bottle up. Bring those things up. Tell each other about insecurities, but also know that insecurities will pop up even in things that are within the rules. That doesn't mean you need to quickly panic and hit the red button and stop everything. Talk it out and reassure each other.

Open relationships are great as long as both parties are mature, open, and communicate effectively. They can crumble very quickly if even on party is not.

The open relationship conversation is very often the beginning of the end for a relationship. Tread carefully.

Open relationships don't have a great track record unless they start open, from what I noticed.

Last I checked most relationships don't have a great track record.

 

[Your Entertainer]

What does this even

Is it really that hard to understand what that poster is getting at?

 

[WolfeTone]

Is it really that hard to understand what that poster is getting at?

I think the confusion probably stems from the idea that there is a 'losing end' in an open relationship. Or that an open relationship is some kind of contest to see who can have more sex outside the relationship.

People in healthy open relationships don't really consider these things. They are often happy for their partner to go out and have new experiences. Some, while having an open relationship, don't want to hear about their partner's other sex life and that's fine, every relationship, open or closed, is different.

However, the idea that someone in a healthy open relationship would consider themselves to be 'losing' because their partner is having more sex than them is pretty messed up. In the OP's case, the partner has a lower sex drive, so I imagine he would be fairly happy for the OP to get what they need from other people.

 

[darkstar0155]

I've swung with numerous couples and gfs. I've found it easier if the first time or two you all play as a group. Plus like someone else said it's best if you have a few regulars, most of the people I knew where it fell apart is if the one person was just wanting to fuck everyone and anyone. I've only ever seen that last when the other person is into watching. If that's not what your looking for try to find a person you get along with, but don't find any big connection with. You just can't do it with someone else you could have ever had seen yourself dating.

Oh and I'm going to add, if you find another couple that you both like, that is the best scenario.

 

[May16]

I've only known 2 couples that tried this.

One kinda went with it and it seemed to work for them. They were less like a "couple" and more like really good friends who happened to share an address (and occasionally a bed), it felt like, but hey, they seemed happy from what we could tell and... still together after all these years.

The other, it pretty much wrecked their marriage because they got going and one couldn't go through with it when the time came, and the other was more like "too late I can't stop now" aaaand that was not pretty.

So... with my very small sample size... anecdotally 50% success rate! Pretty much the same as the average marriage chances these days, oddly.

Proceed with caution and be clear, open, and honest, I'd reckon. You're getting into what a lot of people would consider dangerous territory.

 

[ApharmdX]

In my personal experience it's a death knell for a relationship. There are very few people who can handle the thought of their SO fucking other people. There are fewer still relationships between these people. And personally I don't understand it. If you're not happy with the amount of sex you are getting in a relationship, or you crave variety, just end the relationship.

 

[Rabbi_Vole]

What does this even

While I'm sure there are exceptions, it's typically much easier for a woman to successfully secure a man for an evening of physical shenanigans.

 

[AlfredX1990]

Good luck, that's the only thing I can tell you, generally opening a closed relationship doesn't work as well as beginning with an open relationship then closing it

 

[pr0cs]

A disaster in the making.
Good luck to you but don't be surprised when it ends your relationship.

Won't go into detail but open relationship ended my 15 year marriage so all I can say is best of luck to you.

 

[Joyful]

A disaster in the making.
Good luck to you but don't be surprised when it ends your relationship.

Won't go into detail but open relationship ended my 15 year marriage so all I can say is best of luck to you.

ouch

this seems like something best done upfront at the start

 

[echoshifting]

ouch

this seems like something best done upfront at the start

Eh, as a counter-example, I've been with the same woman for eighteen years and our relationship's been semi-open for five. Doing great here.

 

[Dryk]

So... with my very small sample size... anecdotally 50% success rate! Pretty much the same as the average marriage chances these days, oddly.

Some of my good friends are poly and they're roughly 50/50 on relationships ending due to that or just general relationship reasons. Though it's not usually the primary couple that can't hack it in my anecdotal experience. On the other hand an acquaintance's marriage lasted six months apparently because they were in an open relationship but had never actually tested it out before tying the knot. Awful idea.

 

[Rabbi_Vole]

A disaster in the making.
Good luck to you but don't be surprised when it ends your relationship.

Won't go into detail but open relationship ended my 15 year marriage so all I can say is best of luck to you.

Her idea or yours?

 

[BUNTING1243]

what do people mean when they say "semi-open"? it seems like an all or nothing thing

 

[Escape Goat]

By not sticking to the rules we discuss. Cheating is not necessarily about fucking others but rather about abusing the trust of your partner.

I dont see the difference between knowing your partner fucked another person and not knowing given that youre both agreeing to that to begin with. The physical cheating still occured.

Anywho, best of luck. Hopefully nobody gets jealous and flips out.

 

[Rabbi_Vole]

what do people mean when they say "semi-open"? it seems like an all or nothing thing

Maybe other things beyond conventional sex?

 

[Dryk]

I dont see the difference between knowing your partner fucked another person and not knowing given that youre both agreeing to that to begin with. The physical cheating still occured.

Anywho, best of luck. Hopefully nobody gets jealous and flips out.

It's not cheating if it's not against the rules, I don't understand how that's difficult to understand.

 

[echoshifting]

what do people mean when they say "semi-open"? it seems like an all or nothing thing

I am the only one who said that. It is specific to our arrangement.

So, I am bisexual. My wife is not, nor does she have the desire to fool around with other guys. I am free to engage in a limited number of sex acts with other people, but only men, and only following a strict set of guidelines.

Since she's not getting anything out of it - other than the stories, which she enjoys greatly - I'd describe it as "semi-open." It's not an official term or anything.

 

[Shpeshal Nick]

What does this even

Not hard to figure out.

Women have an infinitely easier time finding sexual partners than men do. So if you're in an open relationship as a man, you're all but fucked.

 

[Rabbi_Vole]

Not hard to figure out.

Women have an infinitely easier time finding sexual partners than men do. So if you're in an open relationship as a man, you're all but fucked.

All but fucked, indeed.

 

[DizzyCaffeine]

I am the only one who said that. It is specific to our arrangement.

So, I am bisexual. My wife is not, nor does she have the desire to fool around with other guys. I am free to engage in a limited number of sex acts with other people, but only men, and only following a strict set of guidelines.

Since she's not getting anything out of it - other than the stories, which she enjoys greatly - I'd describe it as "semi-open." It's not an official term or anything.

So in this arrangement, you are not allowed to be with other women, only men? That's interesting - do you think it's easier for her to deal with you being with a guy than another woman?

 

[echoshifting]

So in this arrangement, you are not allowed to be with other women, only men? That's interesting - do you think it's easier for her to deal with you being with a guy than another woman?

Yes, absolutely. Her stance is I'm getting something from a guy I can't get from her, so she's fine with it. If I were with another woman it would very much be cheating. It would hurt her deeply.

Edit: not that that can't be done, it's just not right for us.

 

[pr0cs]

Her idea or yours?

Hers, her office had a douche who wanted a new plaything for himself and his girlfriend and my ex has low self esteem so was thrilled that someone else thought of her that way.
I figured my ex would get bored or tired of it and I was stupid enough to agree. Biggest mistake of my life and something I'll regret to agreeing to for the rest of my life.
Years down the drain, tens of thousands wasted on lawyer fees and 2 kids from my marriage and 3 from the scumbags marriage as casualties.
Think very long and hard about even considering an open relationship. There is no way back and even proposing it can open up Pandora's box for issues with your current relationship.

 

[NoblesseOblige]

Communicate and be honest to each other, but also yourselves. There is almost assuredly going to be a time one or both of you is going to want to either pause or end the open status of your relationship. Sometimes it's temporary other times its not. If you feel you want it to be closed then do not let yourself feel forced into keeping it open in order to please your partner. They should understand your feelings as much as you understand theirs, which means the opposite is also true. If they want it to be closed then you will either need to accept it if that person is important enough to you, otherwise it may be time to end the relationship.

I wish you luck, open relationships are still very rare these days and many (most?) people have trouble understanding them or are willing to commit to them. Even here on GAF it's an extreme minority who seem welcoming to the concept.

 

[Astral/H3X]

I'm in an "open" relationship, but it's more of just sharing. Helps a bit (okay a lot) to be involved with your partner experiencing other stuff. It's like having your very own porn star!
Side benefit: Much reduced chance of cheating!


As Noblesse said, yeah, there are times when one partner may want to put it on pause. Both parties need to be able to accept that and respect it.

 

[Thickstone]

As Noblesse said, yeah, there are times when one partner may want to put it on pause. Both parties need to be able to accept that and respect it.

Can you think of possible reasons for that? Like are these instances related to jealousy?

 

[whitemex88]

Get out. It won't end well for someone.

 

[red731]

Never have been in open relationship.

The paranoia of of second half doing something with someone would not allow me to even be in relationship.

Normal relationship with ups and down or am bailing out without wasting anyones time.