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[Icefire1424]

I suspect this might be a good place to ask - curious if anyone else has had experience with this and has advice on how to proceed.

My wife gave birth to our first (and only) daughter 18 months ago. As expected, our lives changed considerably since then. Free time was essentially gone, stress and frustration rose considerably, and things become much more difficult. Still, we both knew what we were signing up for, and we were prepared. Well, at least as prepared as anyone can be, I think.

I've devoted my life to my wife and daughter. I will do whatever it takes to make sure they are happy, and healthy, and comfortable. I know I'm not a perfect husband and father, but I do the absolute best that I can. I cook dinner every night, make breakfast and lunch for everyone, help keep the house clean, do all the yardwork, and spend as much time with both of them as I can - at times even feeling like I neglect myself in the process. To the point that I ended up in treatment for depression about 6 months ago.

What I wasn't prepared for however is the impact my daughter has had on the relationship between my wife and I. While we've always been very close and affectionate with each other, shortly after kiddo arrived it seemed that was just...gone. Admittedly, my wife has also been going through some personal challenges at the same time (her mother was diagnosed with cancer this past year), but I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I genuinely don't feel wanted, and every time I try to put forth effort to be close to her she pulls away, or gets defensive. To me, it doesn't even feel like we're a couple anymore, but roommates. And it hurts. A lot.

I'm trying to give her the space and support she needs, but I can't keep doing this to myself. Whenever I try to speak with her about it she says she still loves me, but it's blatantly obvious she no longer feels the same about me that I do towards her. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if anyone else has experienced something like this, but I didn't see the harm in asking. I don't know what to do anymore. And it hurts every day. Every. Single. Day.

 

[mrklaw]

I'm not exactly a sentimental type either, so all the stuff people keep citing as 'upsides' (those 'oooo' moments, babies smiling, looking cute, etc.) don't do much for me. Is this something your wife (or anyone else here) struggles with now with the twins...?

First child coming? I think you'll look back on that comment with a wry smile in a few years

My first was just an ugly alien/monkey hybrid for the first few months that did nothing but shit and cry, and but my wife's nipples almost off. But once he started emoting a little more - eye contact, smiling, finger grips etc I just melted. Those first years are just beautiful things.

 

[H.Protagonist]

I was a mostly stay-at-home mom for the first year of my son's life and I was no good at it. I was in classes two days a week, and I worked from home but did everything at night, so it could have been that I was simply exhausted, but I'm not particularly great at the repetitive minutiae of playing with babies. Some people love it. I'm not one of them. I just cooked up lots of outings for us so the time of pushing trucks in the same way 1000000 times was cut down and we had a lot of adventures together instead, so everything worked out fine.

I wonder if a lot of our anxieties as parents come from thinking there's mostly one way to do things when really, kids are terribly resilient and we can kind of just do whatever with them. My daughter is so different from my son that I feel she's taught me a lot of zen about child-rearing.

Yeah, the endless repetitive play stuff that I've seen with my niece, friends' babies, and now my sister-in-law's baby is really, really is hard for me. As you say, you just have to cook up outings or adventures instead, but watching them (sister, friends, etc.) all in action makes me feel like I'm missing some kind of parenting gene. Happy to hear there are others who view it similarly and found other ways.

First child coming? I think you'll look back on that comment with a wry smile in a few years

My first was just an ugly alien/monkey hybrid for the first few months that did nothing but shit and cry, and but my wife's nipples almost off. But once he started emoting a little more - eye contact, smiling, finger grips etc I just melted. Those first years are just beautiful things.

Yeah, first. I sincerely hope my feelings change or evolve. As I am, I'm just...I dunno. I see the excitement or anticipation of other moms to be and it feels like I'm missing something. I mean, I am quite interested in the whole thing (we wanted this and actively tried for it), and I enjoy wondering just what kind of person they'll grow into, but it's like contemplating an upcoming project or something. Everyone else is gushing about the pregnancy and they keep hitting me with "Aren't you so excited!!!" but it's all I can do to smile at the appropriate times. And you're killing me with the biting off the nipples off thing. Lawd. -_-

 

[BaronLundi]

Yeah, first. I sincerely hope my feelings change or evolve. As I am, I'm just...I dunno. I see the excitement or anticipation of other moms to be and it feels like I'm missing something. I mean, I am quite interested in the whole thing (we wanted this and actively tried for it), and I enjoy wondering just what kind of person they'll grow into, but it's like contemplating an upcoming project or something. Everyone else is gushing about the pregnancy and they keep hitting me with "Aren't you so excited!!!" but it's all I can do to smile at the appropriate times. And you're killing me with the biting off the nipples off thing. Lawd. -_-

Don't worry (too much) about it. There are as many ways to approach pregnancy, birth and child raising as there are parents. You don't have to be maniacally excited like you're living in a sitcom (although from the other side of the pond it sure look like that's what US mothers-to-be are expected to act like, baby showers and all... ugh).

Chances are you'll be spontaneously amazed and overwhelmed with love when the time comes. For me (father of a 3-year-old) it happened at birth, not before (although I felt pangs of excitement when hearing her heartbeat for the first time).

For some people it's earlier, for some later. And although I both loved and hated the baby phase, now that I can start having conversations with her, it's mind-blowing.

The only thing you can be sure of it's that it will be life changing in a way that cannot be explained and most probably wonderful (and tiring) .

 

[Brian Griffin]

Yeah, first. I sincerely hope my feelings change or evolve. As I am, I'm just...I dunno. I see the excitement or anticipation of other moms to be and it feels like I'm missing something. I mean, I am quite interested in the whole thing (we wanted this and actively tried for it), and I enjoy wondering just what kind of person they'll grow into, but it's like contemplating an upcoming project or something. Everyone else is gushing about the pregnancy and they keep hitting me with "Aren't you so excited!!!" but it's all I can do to smile at the appropriate times. And you're killing me with the biting off the nipples off thing. Lawd. -_-

Naw, you're fine. Don't stress about how excited you think you SHOULD be. If nothing about the pregnancy really excites you then so be it, you're the one who gets to define that for yourself.

My wife and I were similar when she was pregnant. Yeah, we were going to have a baby just like billions of people before us, so what? She stayed healthy to keep everything cooking right but never felt all gushy about it. We spent lots of time together, had LOTS of sex, and just enjoyed childless life while it lasted. After she was born was when the exciting part started because we could actually interact with her.

She just turned 3 recently and is awesome. Hi, ParentGAF!

 

[H.Protagonist]

Don't worry (too much) about it. There are as many ways to approach pregnancy, birth and child raising as there are parents. You don't have to be maniacally excited like you're living in a sitcom (although from the other side of the pond it sure look like that's what US mothers-to-be are expected to act like, baby showers and all... ugh).

Chances are you'll be spontaneously amazed and overwhelmed with love when the time comes. For me (father of a 3-year-old) it happened at birth, not before (although I felt pangs of excitement when hearing her heartbeat for the first time).

For some people it's earlier, for some later. And although I both loved and hated the baby phase, now that I can start having conversations with her, it's mind-blowing.

The only thing you can be sure of it's that it will be life changing in a way that cannot be explained and most probably wonderful (and tiring) .

Spot on with the maniacally happy thing. :/ My facebook is flooded with professional pregnancy shoots, showers, glamour baby shots, and what feels like an endless stream of people documenting every minute of their bump and/or babies. It's like they're working each other into a frenzy and all trying to outdo one another on how excited or special the experience is for them. It's my first kid and I think the most involved thought I've given it as an actual approaching entity is: I sure hope it likes hand-me-downs because I don't see the point in buying newborn stuff since they grow out of it so quickly... Sorry, kid!

I had heard that for dads it's not really real until birth or when they can start responding properly, and maybe it'll be the same for me as the mom. My husband seems to think I'll have some special bond with it because I'm carrying it and we'll be trying the breastfeeding route (;_, but I'm not convinced at all. I do imagine it'll probably be as you say when the time comes, though. I'm probably just overthinking it. And it is reassuring to hear that a lack of initial excitement isn't unusual. Cheers. I'm sure that, at the least, it'll grow on me.

Naw, you're fine. Don't stress about how excited you think you SHOULD be. If nothing about the pregnancy really excites you then so be it, you're the one who gets to define that for yourself.

My wife and I were similar when she was pregnant. Yeah, we were going to have a baby just like billions of people before us, so what? She stayed healthy to keep everything cooking right but never felt all gushy about it. We spent lots of time together, had LOTS of sex, and just enjoyed childless life while it lasted. After she was born was when the exciting part started because we could actually interact with her.

She just turned 3 recently and is awesome. Hi, ParentGAF!

Awww, congrats! You survived the so-called terrible 2s and it sounds like you did it with a minimum of emotional scarring. You give me hope for the future.

For the pregnancy sit, I think my take is definitely similar to you and your wife's. Seems a good time for hanging out and enjoying some of the things that may get a bit, ah, scarcer when everything goes down. I'm not super bothered by it all (the excited part), but it seems to disturb others. My sister was over the moon with her baby, my husband's sister was the same with hers, and I think they find my reactions (or lack there of) a little baffling. I'm good with kids (capable) and they don't scare or mystify me, but I'm not cooing over them or making long meaningful eye-contact or whatever else shit signifies my deep mothering nature. Haha. It just worries me, I suppose, because the feedback I'm getting from others makes me wonder if I'm not involved(?) enough or care(?) enough...?

For example, we had our first meeting with the hospital where I'll probably deliver and we heard the heartbeat and asked a few questions. All very straightforward, but on the car ride home I remarked that hearing the heartbeat was reassuring, but not the mind-blowing experience my sister and his sister kept making it out to be (they have been going on about this particular thing for some time now, how amazing it is, etc.). My husband said that 'in general' I didn't seem to think any of it was a big deal. He was quick to correct himself when he first said I was blase about the whole thing, but he said I didn't ask many questions or seem concerned or any of the things he had expected. On my end, I couldn't see the point of asking more questions than I had. They gave me stuff to read, so I'll read it, and since it's public health, you don't really get many choices anyway. I'm not fussed. Seemed better to just look at what they gave me first and go with the flow. He saw it more as disinterest(?) and completely at odds with what he thought other women would be worried about or want to know when expecting. So, yeah. More worried because I'm getting that feeling where everyone else sees blue but I see green kind of thing... At least my mother-in-law gets it. [-_-]/

 

[Omikron]

I don't think there is right/wrong way to deal with impending baby. I was a bit like you but from the male end, but then again I am pretty relaxed and sort of blasé about just about everything much to the annoyance of many. It is a bit of a coping mechanism as well and I am sorta glad about it given what we ended up going through with our 2nd lot of kids!

I wasn't one to read books either, which seemed to be the social norm for how to prep for a baby and /or raising children. I was always happy to just 'work it out' and experience things as they came about.


As for the childcare being expensive thing, think where my son goes twice a week cost is about ~$95/day before rebates etc. to give you some idea of cost. It isn't inexpensive and kind of glad he will be in kindergarten next year... (4yo, he already does a 3 yo program).

 

[Brian Griffin]

Awww, congrats! You survived the so-called terrible 2s and it sounds like you did it with a minimum of emotional scarring. You give me hope for the future.

For the pregnancy sit, I think my take is definitely similar to you and your wife's. Seems a good time for hanging out and enjoying some of the things that may get a bit, ah, scarcer when everything goes down. I'm not super bothered by it all (the excited part), but it seems to disturb others. My sister was over the moon with her baby, my husband's sister was the same with hers, and I think they find my reactions (or lack there of) a little baffling. I'm good with kids (capable) and they don't scare or mystify me, but I'm not cooing over them or making long meaningful eye-contact or whatever else shit signifies my deep mothering nature. Haha. It just worries me, I suppose, because the feedback I'm getting from others makes me wonder if I'm not involved(?) enough or care(?) enough...?

For example, we had our first meeting with the hospital where I'll probably deliver and we heard the heartbeat and asked a few questions. All very straightforward, but on the car ride home I remarked that hearing the heartbeat was reassuring, but not the mind-blowing experience my sister and his sister kept making it out to be (they have been going on about this particular thing for some time now, how amazing it is, etc.). My husband said that 'in general' I didn't seem to think any of it was a big deal. He was quick to correct himself when he first said I was blase about the whole thing, but he said I didn't ask many questions or seem concerned or any of the things he had expected. On my end, I couldn't see the point of asking more questions than I had. They gave me stuff to read, so I'll read it, and since it's public health, you don't really get many choices anyway. I'm not fussed. Seemed better to just look at what they gave me first and go with the flow. He saw it more as disinterest(?) and completely at odds with what he thought other women would be worried about or want to know when expecting. So, yeah. More worried because I'm getting that feeling where everyone else sees blue but I see green kind of thing... At least my mother-in-law gets it. [-_-]/

Thanks! However, I will say that our daughter has been a VERY easy kid so far based on what we had been told to expect from this age. She has her meltdowns sometimes but is usually a very sweet girl.

To the bolded, realistically just keeping yourself healthy and going to the doc for checkups is about as involved as you need to be at this point. Everything else is optional fluff and people often project their feelings towards the situation onto you, which is a shitty thing to do but it happens. We are getting tons of "When's the next baby coming?" and "So, you ready for number 2?" and we are both like, "No, we are not ready to grow another person and care for it for the next 2 decades on top of the one we already made." We are fine with one for now and probably forever but some people are baffled that my wife wouldn't want to subject her body and our lives to another.

So yeah, depending on who's in your life a big part of being a parent is fending off other people who want to impose their views, beliefs, methods, etc. onto you. Just remember that YOU are the mother and YOU usually do know what's best for your child so don't be afraid to tell people to piss off. Same goes for dad too.

 

[RPG]

Those of you with older children - tweens/teens - how do you deal with bedtime routines?

For our 14 year old, he goes to his room at 9.30pm because we'd like some time to ourselves too . He doesn't need to go to bed straight away, but we don't allow computers or his iPad so no clash of clans until 1am.

But this made me realise just how different things are these days. When my wife and I were younger, we'd read a book, or listen to the radio or tapes. But for our kids to do those things, they use computers (whether phone, tablet or laptop). So how do you allow them to do some quieter, more relaxing activities in their rooms, without opening them up to the temptation to message their friends all night, or play games?

It's almost like I'd want parental controls combined with 'do not disturb' mode, so I can set a category of app that can or can't be used - eg music apps or reading apps are ok 24/7, but games and any messaging are disabled between 10pm-6am

I just set expectations and rules on what their phones and electronics were and then there was a brief period of checked up on them when I would tuck them in and making sure their devices (3ds, ipods) were plugged in on the opposite side of the room. For a short while, I would walk back around later to listen for music or light from their screens. For the most part though, it's never really been a problem.

My 13 year old son is pretty disciplined about going to bed at 9. No real fuss about stopping what he's doing or staying up on his phone (he values his sleep).
My daughters (12 & 9) are a little different. They prefer to stay up late and I have to start them on their 'bedtime routine' about 8:30-8:40, so that they have enough time to wind down, text their mom and check what game/app of the moment they're into. Otherwise, they could easily stay up way later then I can at the moment.

My youngest though still likes to check if I'm going to clean the living room/do the dishes or play a game for a while, just so there's background noise of her dad being up while she falls asleep. It's nice to have that last bit of childhood reassurance from my youngest.

 

[weekev]

Man taking your 10 month old to childcare and having them cry and reach for you when you pass them to the staff...

Heartbreaking stuff, hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

My son is 1 and a half and he still does this. I peek through the window 2 seconds after Im outthe door and hes stopped though. Seperation anxiety isnt nice but it means they love you, which is nice.

Daughter was the same till she was about 2 then she was more interested in finding her friends.

 

[Septimus Prime]

Hi, ParentGAF! I've been lurking this thread, since we weren't ready to make any announcement yet, but we're 13 weeks in and just got the NIPT results (all clear!) today, so we also know the gender of the baby.

It's a

Spoiler

baby

!

 

[The Lamonster]

my god this thread is terrifying. I thought having a newborn baby would be the hardest part but I fear for toddler-age...my daughter is 8.5 months old for reference.

Very easy stage right now

 

[Chozolore]

my god this thread is terrifying. I thought having a newborn baby would be the hardest part but I fear for toddler-age...my daughter is 8.5 months old for reference.

Very easy stage right now

Oh yeah, it's when they start to walk.

Our house looks like it has been burgled by the end of the day.

By 18 months they're moving furniture and trying to escape out the windows.

 

[hey_monkey]

I suspect this might be a good place to ask - curious if anyone else has had experience with this and has advice on how to proceed.

My wife gave birth to our first (and only) daughter 18 months ago. As expected, our lives changed considerably since then. Free time was essentially gone, stress and frustration rose considerably, and things become much more difficult. Still, we both knew what we were signing up for, and we were prepared. Well, at least as prepared as anyone can be, I think.

I've devoted my life to my wife and daughter. I will do whatever it takes to make sure they are happy, and healthy, and comfortable. I know I'm not a perfect husband and father, but I do the absolute best that I can. I cook dinner every night, make breakfast and lunch for everyone, help keep the house clean, do all the yardwork, and spend as much time with both of them as I can - at times even feeling like I neglect myself in the process. To the point that I ended up in treatment for depression about 6 months ago.

What I wasn't prepared for however is the impact my daughter has had on the relationship between my wife and I. While we've always been very close and affectionate with each other, shortly after kiddo arrived it seemed that was just...gone. Admittedly, my wife has also been going through some personal challenges at the same time (her mother was diagnosed with cancer this past year), but I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I genuinely don't feel wanted, and every time I try to put forth effort to be close to her she pulls away, or gets defensive. To me, it doesn't even feel like we're a couple anymore, but roommates. And it hurts. A lot.

I'm trying to give her the space and support she needs, but I can't keep doing this to myself. Whenever I try to speak with her about it she says she still loves me, but it's blatantly obvious she no longer feels the same about me that I do towards her. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if anyone else has experienced something like this, but I didn't see the harm in asking. I don't know what to do anymore. And it hurts every day. Every. Single. Day.

Hey, man, it sounds like maybe you guys need to go to therapy if you're having trouble connecting with one another. I don't think therapy is a fix-everything kinda deal, but it may help, especially since there's so much going on with baby and illness in the family and all. That's a lot to deal with and people deal in different ways. Having an objective third party might help.

Good luck.

 

[Dalek]

Oh yeah, it's when they start to walk.

Our house looks like it has been burgled by the end of the day.

By 18 months they're moving furniture and trying to escape out the windows.

My daughter is seven and our house constantly looks like a bomb went off. We have a housekeeper Come by every 2 weeks-and literally 24 hours after she's left the house looks like a disaster. My kid is constantly making forts and rearranging furniture, leaving shit everywhere, etc. plus I feel like my entire life is spent in the kitchen either cooking or cleaning.

 

[hey_monkey]

God, I'm so glad I'm not the only one with a house that looks like a wreck. It's miserable and it makes me feel awful, but I'm a PhD student and I teach and work on side projects and there's just not extra time to clean for an hour every day (at least). We do what we can. At least eventually they get old enough to help.

And I'm very lucky in that my kids play wonderfully together. My son adores his baby sister, even though she's a horrifying brat sometimes.

 

[RoryDropkick]

It's getting closer and closer to being real. We have parenting class this morning at 9:30. Baby showers are happening in the next few weeks, so more crap in the house, yay. Need to get that nursery done, we still have tons of crap in there that needs to get moved.

 

[| Praxis |]

May as well quote myself from another thread, because I'm far too tired.

1:23am I just returned from the hospital, my wife's water broke tonight, she's only 28 weeks. We rushed to the hospital where they gave her steroid injections (for the babies lungs) and they're keeping her in there until at least Monday. They think she will give birth in the next seven days and then our son will have to spend the next 10 weeks in the intensive care unit.

I have never been so stressed, worried and upset for my wife. It has been a shitty night for sure

01:39 AM Hospital just phoned. My wife is going into labour now, he's coming tonight! Thanks for the best wishes people. Have to go.

05:35 AM Well, I'm over the moon right now. He was born 4:35am and is apparently healthy as could be comsidering how early he was. There's not much that can prepare you for watching your wife push out a little baby from between her legs lol. He weighs 3.4 pounds and is currently chillin in an incubator. Thanks for the positive thoughts gaf.

So yeah, it's been an experience. All looking good still, the doctor thinks he can come off his ventilator tomorrow. I'm exhausted, only managed two hours sleep and running on minimal junk food. Taking every day as it comes.

 

[RoryDropkick]

May as well quote myself from another thread, because I'm far too tired.







So yeah, it's been an experience. All looking good still, the doctor thinks he can come off his ventilator tomorrow. I'm exhausted, only managed two hours sleep and running on minimal junk food. Taking every day as it comes.

I just told my kids to stay in my wife. I'm very glad to hear your kiddo is doing well though, congrats, and I hope you get some rest soon.

 

[| Praxis |]

I just told my kids to stay in my wife. I'm very glad to hear your kiddo is doing well though, congrats, and I hope you get some rest soon.

Thanks, no idea why she went into labour so soon. I just hope no expecting parents have to go through this, these have been the most stressful days of my life with no end in sight for the moment. Just going into the neonatal ward is upsetting enough, in every direction you look there's every parents worst nightmare. You just have to block it all out and be there for your own kid. He has a brain scan tomorrow, which is a terrifying thought.

My wife was discharged from the hospital today, we live about 40 miles away from the hospital and we don't have a car at the moment, so we're relying on family and public transport from now on to get to the hospital every day to see him. It's horrible being at home so far away but we can phone the ward 24 hours a day to check on him. The cost of transport is also going to be crippling at the moment. I just wish I could fast forward the next twelve weeks and have him home safe and sound.

Good luck to you and your wife. I'm sure everything will be fine.

 

[Szu]

I'm a proud happy father of a great 17 month old little guy. Words can't describe how complete I feel now.

 

[Icefire1424]

Congrats Praxis, and best of luck for everything that lies ahead. The first few days / weeks are scary, but everything comes together. And I promise you will get to sleep again!

Let us know if you need anything.

 

[Birbo]

So yeah, it's been an experience. All looking good still, the doctor thinks he can come off his ventilator tomorrow. I'm exhausted, only managed two hours sleep and running on minimal junk food. Taking every day as it comes.

My son was born at 29 weeks. 2 lbs. 6 oz. Stayed in the NICU for almost three months and once he was home, had years of therapy (occupational, physical & speech). Now he's 12 years old, perfectly healthy & happy. Straight A student and has his first date this week (!).

Here's him in the NICU and what he's grown into.

I know it's overwhelming, but hang in there. It gets much better.

 

[Omikron]

May as well quote myself from another thread, because I'm far too tired.

So yeah, it's been an experience. All looking good still, the doctor thinks he can come off his ventilator tomorrow. I'm exhausted, only managed two hours sleep and running on minimal junk food. Taking every day as it comes.

It is intimidating the first few days, but it does get better. Once they get off being intubated / CPAP etc and you can get a hold basically when you want is great.

My son was born at 29 weeks. 2 lbs. 6 oz. Stayed in the NICU for almost three months and once he was home, had years of therapy (occupational, physical & speech). Now he's 12 years old, perfectly healthy & happy. Straight A student and has his first date this week (!).

Here's him in the NICU and what he's grown into.

This is awesome.


I still find looking at early photos of our boys pretty confronting, they looked so sick. They were sharing blood unequally in the womb due to the way the placenta had developed. So one was super anaemic and the other had a massive over supply of red blood cells. Polar opposites when they were born in their colour etc. (See here ).

I try to remember how long they were in the really high dependency part of the NICU and it felt like an eternity, but in reality I think it was about a week or so...before they moved down the NICU a bit, but they were in for 7-10 weeks. It is incredible both how strong babies are and also the technology that is involved.

 

[Chopper]

Hey ParentGaf. I couldn't not share this. Turns out that my 8 month old is... LORD OF THE DANCE!

https://youtu.be/zljIXpxdliQ

I have cried with laughter all evening.

 

[Milksheikhs]

Need some feedback on this one:

So the due date is December 18th and my mom wants to come for both Christmas and to see the baby born. She's already bought an airplane ticket for Dec. 15 - 27th. I said this was okay because otherwise she would've have been spending Christmas completely alone and I didn't want her to do that (as she is already feeling down) so I agreed. Well, soon after she leaves my mother in law is coming to stay with us as well. We live in a one bedroom one bathroom apartment and whenever guests stay they stay in the living room on a blow up mattress which takes up a lot of space. I generally get a little stressed and overwhelmed when we have people staying long term because I feel like I have to tiptoe around them. I am a very organized person and like things to be a certain way and I also value my privacy. At least around people I'm not totally comfortable with. I'm already starting to get anxious about my mom coming because she is someone who does not deal with negativity well and takes things very personally. I feel worried because where will I take the baby when she can't sleep and is crying? I'll be waking up someone at all times (either my husband or my mother and mother in law when she stays) which by the way my mother in law wakes up at the slightest of noises. Should I maybe tell my mother in law to stay at a hotel? Is it selfish/unfair of me to ask that of my mother in law, but not ask that of my own mother? The reason I can't ask my mom is because she can't afford it. I'm just starting to feel very overwhelmed by the thoughts of this even though the time isn't here yet. I could use some advice, thank you!

 

[| Praxis |]

Congrats Praxis, and best of luck for everything that lies ahead. The first few days / weeks are scary, but everything comes together. And I promise you will get to sleep again!

Let us know if you need anything.

My son was born at 29 weeks. 2 lbs. 6 oz. Stayed in the NICU for almost three months and once he was home, had years of therapy (occupational, physical & speech). Now he's 12 years old, perfectly healthy & happy. Straight A student and has his first date this week (!).

Here's him in the NICU and what he's grown into.



I know it's overwhelming, but hang in there. It gets much better.

It is intimidating the first few days, but it does get better. Once they get off being intubated / CPAP etc and you can get a hold basically when you want is great.



This is awesome.


I still find looking at early photos of our boys pretty confronting, they looked so sick. They were sharing blood unequally in the womb due to the way the placenta had developed. So one was super anaemic and the other had a massive over supply of red blood cells. Polar opposites when they were born in their colour etc. (See here ).

I try to remember how long they were in the really high dependency part of the NICU and it felt like an eternity, but in reality I think it was about a week or so...before they moved down the NICU a bit, but they were in for 7-10 weeks. It is incredible both how strong babies are and also the technology that is involved.

Thanks, it's good to read positive stories at the moment. It's been just over two weeks, yesterday he came out of the intensive care unit and was moved to the high dependency unit. He's off a ventilator, only has vapourtherm at the moment. His longline was removed as well as his canular and he is on over 10ml of my wife's milk now and digesting that fine. He's had a couple of brain scans that came back all clear and had an ECG as his heart rate was a little fast, that came back good as well. We had one hell of a scare when he had a couple of blisters appear on his skin, the doctor starts saying the words chicken pox and herpes and the world starts to crumble around you, but luckily they took swabs and after an agonising few days the results came back negative and his skin has cleared up.

So far so good, they are still aiming for him to be home for his due date (6th January) anything before then is a bonus. Can't wait to get him home.


Here he is chilling.

 

[choodi]

^^^^look at that little dude! Awesome!

Need some feedback on this one:

So the due date is December 18th and my mom wants to come for both Christmas and to see the baby born. She's already bought an airplane ticket for Dec. 15 - 27th. I said this was okay because otherwise she would've have been spending Christmas completely alone and I didn't want her to do that (as she is already feeling down) so I agreed. Well, soon after she leaves my mother in law is coming to stay with us as well. We live in a one bedroom one bathroom apartment and whenever guests stay they stay in the living room on a blow up mattress which takes up a lot of space. I generally get a little stressed and overwhelmed when we have people staying long term because I feel like I have to tiptoe around them. I am a very organized person and like things to be a certain way and I also value my privacy. At least around people I'm not totally comfortable with. I'm already starting to get anxious about my mom coming because she is someone who does not deal with negativity well and takes things very personally. I feel worried because where will I take the baby when she can't sleep and is crying? I'll be waking up someone at all times (either my husband or my mother and mother in law when she stays) which by the way my mother in law wakes up at the slightest of noises. Should I maybe tell my mother in law to stay at a hotel? Is it selfish/unfair of me to ask that of my mother in law, but not ask that of my own mother? The reason I can't ask my mom is because she can't afford it. I'm just starting to feel very overwhelmed by the thoughts of this even though the time isn't here yet. I could use some advice, thank you!

What Fiction said, basically.

The most important people in this situation are your baby, you and your husband. Any guests you have need to work themselves around your situation, not the other way around.

If anyone gets offended by the baby crying, you just need to ask them what they were expecting when they decided to come in the first place. It's not like they don't already know your living situation.

Besides, they have both raised children, so clearly they know what they are getting themselves into.

When it comes to asking your mother-in-law to stay at a hotel, for the sake of keeping the peace, you should offer her the opportunity to stay at your house. It is then up to her to make the decision to stay at a hotel. (I think she should for the sake of giving you some privacy and space).

It is perfectly reasonable for you to want your mother to stay with you as women always need their mothers after childbirth in my experience. Just make sure you make your mother-in-law feel like she is needed too. Maybe give her some chores/projects that she can do for you and the baby.

Spoiler

Also, have the baby on the 15th. All the best people are born on that day

 

[JoeNut]

does anyone have any experience of how long it takes to get pregnant after coming off birth control? my SO is on the pill and worried it'll take years before she can get pregnant as it stays in your system apparently, we were going to start trying in May.

 

[Skellig Gra]

does anyone have any experience of how long it takes to get pregnant after coming off birth control? my SO is on the pill and worried it'll take years before she can get pregnant as it stays in your system apparently, we were going to start trying in May.

My wife got pregnant the first month after coming off birth control after like 20 years of steady usage. Anecdotal I know but it could be quick.

 

[| Praxis |]

My wife got pregnant the first month after coming off birth control after like 20 years of steady usage. Anecdotal I know but it could be quick.

Same here, didn't take long at all.

 

[Camp Freddie]

does anyone have any experience of how long it takes to get pregnant after coming off birth control? my SO is on the pill and worried it'll take years before she can get pregnant as it stays in your system apparently, we were going to start trying in May.

My wife was pregnant the next month. On the one hand, it was nice to confirm that everything is in working order - but I was kinda expecting a bit more time to relax.

The second one took about 7-8 months of trying (with about 4 months of seriously calculating optimum ovulation/conception times and the like), and there was no (female) birth control used between the two kids.

So I guess it depends - but coming off the standard pill doesn't seem to be a big deal compared to the natural variation.

It's probably different for the dermally implanted pill-thing (dunno what that's actually called), but a friend of mine was pregnant within 6 months of the date she was due another implant.

In more ParentGAF news, my 3-year old is already obsessed with Mario Kart (Wii version). It's quite scary that over the weekend he won the Banana and Leaf cups with no help from me. Kids learn VERY quickly if they're interested in something.
Unfortunately, wiping his own arse is not something he's terribly interested in...

 

[kendrid]

Those of you with older children - tweens/teens - how do you deal with bedtime routines?

Our son is only allowed physical books in bed, no iPad books. The problem we have is that he loves reading so much he could read until 1am or play Clash until 1am, both are fun to him. We figure at least it is a book... We do force a hard bedtime though as otherwise he will be a bear the next day.

 

[kendrid]

What does annoy me though is that I've got a dedicated media room in my house with a 3D projector and 106" screen, Dolby Atmos sound, and extensive modern and retro game collection.. and I've not even set foot in there for about 3 weeks. When they start to sleep through the night and we're not perpetually knackered, we'll make use of it.

Oblivion came out March 20, 2006. Want to know how I know that? It is also the day my daughter was born.

You have twins so it is different but what I did to get 'me' time was I would have her in my lap while I played in my media room. It end up becoming a habit where my wife would go to bed around 9 and from 9 to midnight I would play with her in my lap in a Boppy.

Now she is an eight year old who was Squirrel Girl for Halloween.
Squirrel Girl by Kevin, on Flickr

Once they are a bit older you should be able to create 'me' time, or find a way to enjoy it with them.

 

[FaintDeftone]

Hey ParentGAF, need a little advice here.

I have son who turns 11 months on Wednesday. His first birthday is December 4th. It has been a wild year and he's at the stage where he is going to start walking any time now and he gets into EVERYTHING.

My question is this: How did you guys start your kids on table food? Our pediatrician wants him off of baby food at 12 months but that's looking like it isn't necessarily going to happen. We still feed him Stage 2 Gerber baby food along with cereal and formula. We give him Cheerios, puffs and Baby MumMums as snacks, which he does fine with. However, I tried giving him chopped up green beans and bananas and he wasn't having anything to do with that. Chunky Stage 3 baby food he just spits out.

What would you all recommend we do to get him into eating more table foods? What would you recommend we feed him? He has his 4 front top teeth and his two front bottom teeth at the moment. Currently terrified to give him anything that he could potentially choke on.

Thanks!

 

[ElectricBlanketFire]

Hey ParentGAF, need a little advice here.

I have son who turns 11 months on Wednesday. His first birthday is December 4th. It has been a wild year and he's at the stage where he is going to start walking any time now and he gets into EVERYTHING.

My question is this: How did you guys start your kids on table food? Our pediatrician wants him off of baby food at 12 months but that's looking like it isn't necessarily going to happen. We still feed him Stage 2 Gerber baby food along with cereal and formula. We give him Cheerios, puffs and Baby MumMums as snacks, which he does fine with. However, I tried giving him chopped up green beans and bananas and he wasn't having anything to do with that. Chunky Stage 3 baby food he just spits out.

What would you all recommend we do to get him into eating more table foods? What would you recommend we feed him? He has his 4 front top teeth and his two front bottom teeth at the moment. Currently terrified to give him anything that he could potentially choke on.

Thanks!

I'm fairly certain we fed our son his first "real" food at 5 months or so (avocado) but I'd have to double check.

At one year as long as you cut everything up into reasonable bites you can feed him most "normal" table foods. I would certainly listen to your pediatrician even if he doesn't take to it right away. Our son went through phases of wanting to eat everything to being extremely picky for seamingly no reason.

Good luck!

 

[Icefire1424]

I'm fairly certain we fed our son his first "real" food at 5 months or so (avocado) but I'd have to double check.

At one year as long as you cut everything up into reasonable bites you can feed him most "normal" table foods. I would certainly listen to your pediatrician even if he doesn't take to it right away. Our son went through phases of wanting to eat everything to being extremely picky for seamingly no reason.

Good luck!

Caveat to that would be to still avoid food like nuts, raisins, popcorn, and other foods that could be a choking hazard, in addition to foods like honey, which contain bacteria your little one might not be able to process just yet.

With that said, I think our little girl was eating pretty "normal" food by a year as well. Avocados were a big hit (and still are), as were cut up fruits, cheeses, and (rather surprisingly) fish (picked over carefully to ensure no bones or anything else, of course). Chicken is okay, but we waited until she was closer to 16 months or so before we tried a few small bites of beef and pork, and both of those were cooked in a crock pot until really, really tender.

Waffles, pancakes, toast and french toast "sticks" are a big hit on the breakfast front, in addition to Cheerios and other cereals. For veggies she also likes broccoli, carrots and squash (cooked until really soft or mashed for the squash) - but feel free to try anything. You might be surprised what they like.

Seriously. My 19 month old daughters favorite food is rainbow trout. Whodathunkit?

 

[JoeNut]

Thanks for the advice GAF

 

[Cooter]

What a great thread. I had no idea this thread was here. Great to see so many people so very passionate about their children. Too often I come across parents who don't fully appreciate how very special and how much of a gift children are. A child's heart is the most precious thing on earth. So full of joy and innocence and everything that makes being human so unique.

I have 3 and not a day or even an hour goes by when I don't cherish my time with them. My daughter is 12, son 10, and other son five. Even at these young ages I find myself thinking about where my life will be when they no longer need my guidence and support on a daily basis. It crushes me to think of them moving out. I realize it's a long way off and it's probably a sign of other deficiencies in my life but these kids mean so much to me. The two biggest attributes I've instilled in them is a sense of empathy and the importance of loving. All three of them have hearts as big as anyone I know and while I know life will harden them somewhat, the core of who they are will forever remain. This single fact is the biggest accomplishment of my life and can never be topped. At the moment my youngest is so thoughtful, loving, and appreciative it brings a tear to my eye typing this. This little 5 year old is more caring and wise than most adults I know. He warms my heart beyond description. Not that my 2 oldest don't and didn't elicit the same feelings at that age but there is something special about 4-5 year olds IMO. It's before any bullying or disappointment has soured their spirit. Pure optimism and glee. I love it.

Anyway, just wanted to get that out and tell y`all I enjoyed reading through this thread and I value everyone giving it their best.

 

[| Praxis |]

My son is doing well. He has gone up to three hourly feeds now, we have learnt to tube feed him, which is great as it makes us feel a little more like parents and not just observers. He is breathing, eating and shitting good. All the things you'd hope for at this age. He's nineteen days old now.

Here he is looking chilled as fuck:

 

[choodi]

My son is doing well. He has gone up to three hourly feeds now, we have learnt to tube feed him, which is great as it makes us feel a little more like parents and not just observers. He is breathing, eating and shitting good. All the things you'd hope for at this age. He's nineteen days old now.

Here he is looking chilled as fuck:

These are all very important things.

Spoiler

especially the shitting part

 

[RoryDropkick]

My wife is at 31 weeks, and we found out she is 1 inch dialated, with one of the twins pretty much almost in position to come out. This is positive apparently since she won't have to go through one long part of the birthing process and may very well have a natural birth, we shall see. If the 15th of December rolls around and we haven't had them yet, then it's C-section time.

 

[choodi]

My wife is at 31 weeks, and we found out she is 1 inch dialated, with one of the twins pretty much almost in position to come out. This is positive apparently since she won't have to go through one long part of the birthing process and may very well have a natural birth, we shall see. If the 15th of December rolls around and we haven't had them yet, then it's C-section time.

Again, i would like to recommend the 15th of December as a great date for a birthday.

 

[Dot Matrix]

Oblivion came out March 20, 2006. Want to know how I know that? It is also the day my daughter was born.

You have twins so it is different but what I did to get 'me' time was I would have her in my lap while I played in my media room. It end up becoming a habit where my wife would go to bed around 9 and from 9 to midnight I would play with her in my lap in a Boppy.

Once they are a bit older you should be able to create 'me' time, or find a way to enjoy it with them.

Yeah, I'm hoping that the sleep thing gets better over the next couple of months so that we can at least have evenings together to watch movies. The gaming will have to come later.

My girls haven't had the best month really. One of them has kidney reflux and was taken back into hospital with a severe infection. She was in for a week and a half and is now on long term preventative antibiotics. She was at home for 4 days before the other one got bronchitis and coughed so hard she had a partial lung collapse. She was rushed to hospital in an ambulance and spent 2 weeks on a respirator and feeding tube. They've both been home for a couple of weeks and seem to be doing fine.

We took them to be weighed a couple of days ago and they are 19.5 pounds and 21 pounds. That's the 91st and 98th percentile respectively. That means that only 2% of all 6 month babies are heavier than her.. and they probably either travel with the circus or live in America.

They did sleep through all the fireworks last night though which was surprising.

 

[Icefire1424]

My son is doing well. He has gone up to three hourly feeds now, we have learnt to tube feed him, which is great as it makes us feel a little more like parents and not just observers. He is breathing, eating and shitting good. All the things you'd hope for at this age. He's nineteen days old now.

Glad to hear (and see) that kiddo is doing well man, congrats!

Ugh, if someone told me 19 months ago that at 19 months my daughter still wasn't sleeping completely thorough the night...

Generally only up once, but man, the wife and I could really use a full night of uninterrupted sleep. We're starting to look like something from the Walking Dead.

 

[Birbo]

My son is doing well. He has gone up to three hourly feeds now, we have learnt to tube feed him, which is great as it makes us feel a little more like parents and not just observers. He is breathing, eating and shitting good. All the things you'd hope for at this age. He's nineteen days old now.

Here he is looking chilled as fuck:

Great news! Looking good (and very chill).

 

[The Interrobanger]

My kid's 1 week birthday was today.

 

[Megalosaro]

Sometimes I want kids, but then I think of how mucheck of a shifty dad I'd be.


For starters, I don't make nearly enough to provide for a kid. I don't forsee that changing any time either.

Secondly, I remember what I was like with my nephew. I was horrible. I still am. He just wants to love me, and half the time I ignore him. I'm the reason he so fucked up

What's it like gaf?

 

[Ayumi]

Sometimes I want kids, but then I think of how mucheck of a shifty dad I'd be.


For starters, I don't make nearly enough to provide for a kid. I don't forsee that changing any time either.

Secondly, I remember what I was like with my nephew. I was horrible. I still am. He just wants to love me, and half the time I ignore him. I'm the reason he so fucked up

What's it like gaf?

All kids are different.. My daughter is 3 months now and sleeps 8-10 hours a night. She doesn't cry without proper reasons (either hungry or sleepy) but really loves to be carried around during the day.

Who knows, maybe my next one will have colic and be a complete nightmare.

 

[Goodlife]

School related question....

Eldest daughter (4) is in full time school, loving it, doing really well and getting a lot out of it. Couldn't be happier for her.

Middle daughter (3) has started half day school now. Same school, same teachers etc. But her class has 25 ish boys and only 2 girls. And her and the other girl don't really get on that well and apparently the boys and "clicky".
She seems to be doing great academically, "far and above" the rest of her class, but I'm worried for her socially... And I'd guess that's just something that's going to become more pronounced... She's got another 8 or so years in this school, with this class. Not sure what kind of impact that gender spilt is going to have on her....
Am I over thinking things?