spindashing
Banned
deadbeef said:
LTTP, but it's pose and the "look" on its face is hilarious. :lol
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Revenge of Captain Badass The Pet Praying Mantis (new mantids inbound)
- Thread starter shaowebb
- Start date
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LTTP, but it's pose and the "look" on its face is hilarious. :lol
There's also a chance that Captain Badass is a male and is furiously masturbating in his cage, foaming the walls with mantis cum.shaowebb said:UPDATE:
Called it. The Captain is a girl...and now shes a mom. Captain Badass is in the process of laying what looks to be enough mantis eggs to systematically take over the world. It's kind of an odd foamy substance shooting out of her, and shes been at it about an hour.
Question is...what to do with them. Mantises (manti?) will gleefully cannibalize each other. It's still winter and if they are placed outside they could either
A) freeze
B) be eaten
C) maybe lay dormant and hatch in spring...if there safe enough
If I keep them they could
A) Be eaten by Captain Badass
B) Eat each other THEN be eaten by Captain Badass once they've fattened up
C) Be eaten by Captain Badass while she wears a hockey mask and clicks the theme from Halloween out with her mandibles.
...sigh...what to do. Decisions. Decisions.
Nature all up in this bitch.
Funky Papa
FUNK-Y-PPA-4
Son of a gun, are you breeding praying mantises? In your home?
I think I got a really bad case of the shudders just by thinking about it.
I think I got a really bad case of the shudders just by thinking about it.
KO Traveling Hobo
Member
shaowebb said:
shaowebb
Member
KO Traveling Hobo said:Transfer Captain Badass to an egg-free terrarium. Or if that's too costly, you could attempt to transfer the eggs to a Captain Badass-free container.
I've always thought praying mantises were awesome, but the internet's been trying to ruin that. I recently discovered that there are some people who like praying-mantis-people in much the same way that some people like animal-people.
Little problem with the idea of transferring them to a Captain Badass free terrarium. Mantises (Manti?) lay between 100 to 400 eggs. The troops will likely kill themselves even without the Captain there to do it for them.
Thinking I may have to deposit the eggsack over at my father's farm. He has a pretty decent rustic root cellar they can stay in till they hatch...and swarm the earth as a singular unit of death as they cry, "ALL GLORY TO CAPTAIN BADASS."
williamsan
Member
I remember my 7th grade science teacher had an egg sac in a cardboard box one day; she found it near her house. Anyway, it sits there for a day or two. My class rolled around and she opened the box to show the kids what was inside-but the eggs had hatched. Pandemonium ensued as they came out of the box. There were sooo many :lol. But I love those things, used to see them all the time as a child. It's the one insect I'm not afraid of.
KO Traveling Hobo
Member
Survival of the fittest! Natural selection in action!shaowebb said:
shaowebb
Member
Welp...can't go near them. Captain Badass has stationed herself on guard duty staring down her eggsack from the other side of the terrarium lid. I know she is on guard duty because Captain Badass usually stays on the lid staring straight down plotting who she will dismember amongst the crickets below.
and now...we wait.
and now...we wait.
FunkyPajamas
Member
Don't FHUTA. Trust me on this one.
TheDrizzlerJ11
Member
Flambe said:
I agree.
ThLunarian
Member
shaowebb said:
I am intrigued by this story and wish to hear more as it develops.
shaowebb
Member
Holy shit you guys, it's like some kind of cricket genocide in here. Usually the Captain follows protocol and sticks to a strict regiment that goes as follows.
- climb to ceiling
- stare at prey
- wait for prey's nerves to break under gaze
- wait for someone to break ranks in the cricket troops
- climb down slowly so that the rest can see
- pick off straggler while remaining centimeters from the group and eating from the head down in front of them
Now, it would seem, after losing so much body mass, that the Captain has ignored protocol and has instead opted to stand amongst the enemy ranks (not shitting, directly in the pile), and pick them off two and three at a time, dual pincers filled with flailing, terrified masses of cricket. She's been doing this for nearly an hour, and that's just since we started noticing it. She's on, like, at least her eighth, and shows no sign of stopping. Can nothing stop this genocide?!
In retrospect, if I'd just had 400 babies, I'd be ready to kill everything in sight, too.
- climb to ceiling
- stare at prey
- wait for prey's nerves to break under gaze
- wait for someone to break ranks in the cricket troops
- climb down slowly so that the rest can see
- pick off straggler while remaining centimeters from the group and eating from the head down in front of them
Now, it would seem, after losing so much body mass, that the Captain has ignored protocol and has instead opted to stand amongst the enemy ranks (not shitting, directly in the pile), and pick them off two and three at a time, dual pincers filled with flailing, terrified masses of cricket. She's been doing this for nearly an hour, and that's just since we started noticing it. She's on, like, at least her eighth, and shows no sign of stopping. Can nothing stop this genocide?!
In retrospect, if I'd just had 400 babies, I'd be ready to kill everything in sight, too.
Dynamite Ringo Matsuri
Member
Crazy... I love living vicariously through other GAFfer's lives :lol
I once had a pretty big preying mantis that just chilled in my house. I wasn't afraid of anything as a kid. A bug that size now would have me eying and circling it, paranoid that it would scamper out of sight only to re-emerge later on to crawl into my ear :l
I once had a pretty big preying mantis that just chilled in my house. I wasn't afraid of anything as a kid. A bug that size now would have me eying and circling it, paranoid that it would scamper out of sight only to re-emerge later on to crawl into my ear :l
Dynamite Ringo Matsuri
Member
DennisK4 said:
See, the horrible thing is, I've actually read a thread about someone who had to be taken to the emergency room because something in his ear was driving him nuts. They eventually fished a spider out of there :/ Sweet dreams GAF :lol
shaowebb
Member
Okay, I bought the Captain 36 more crickets today, and I come home to find that she has decided to wait for my arrival to attempt to re-enact the "Bloody Wednesday the 3rd".
I hope the Captain's increased lust for killing isn't permanent because I REALLY don't think I'll be buying her three dozen crickets everyday. Seriously Captain, pace yourself. Maybe you should just...I dunno...torture them or something first so that they last longer. I hear water boarding is popular these days.
I hope the Captain's increased lust for killing isn't permanent because I REALLY don't think I'll be buying her three dozen crickets everyday. Seriously Captain, pace yourself. Maybe you should just...I dunno...torture them or something first so that they last longer. I hear water boarding is popular these days.
Procarbine
Forever Platinum
Ration the crickets?
Pinko Marx
Banned
Draft said:
shaowebb
Member
Well, the Captain seems to have calmed down a bit. The murder spree eventually ended and she is back down to a conservative 3 square deaths a day.
She seems to be plumping back up though, and lately she has been doing a lot of scraping and exploring in her terrarium. In fear that she may be trying to find a way to escape and kill us all as offerings to her, as yet, still unhatched soldierlings (soldierli?) we are now offering the Captain occasional gifts of meat. Tonights offering is seasoned turkey in honor of the season.
The Captain is pleased.
She seems to be plumping back up though, and lately she has been doing a lot of scraping and exploring in her terrarium. In fear that she may be trying to find a way to escape and kill us all as offerings to her, as yet, still unhatched soldierlings (soldierli?) we are now offering the Captain occasional gifts of meat. Tonights offering is seasoned turkey in honor of the season.
The Captain is pleased.
shaowebb
Member
sigh...The Captain got the turkey stuck on her claw. She kept bobbin her stabbin' arm up and down angrily trying to fling the mauled turkey nomnom off herself to no avail. The Captain eventually glared at us as if to say "I will remember the day you offered me a cunningly disguised fingertrap in the form of a meal."
...
We knocked it off her shankinstabber with a chopstick. Shankinstabber is the scientific term for murderpole BTW. I fear our meat offerings will no longer keep the Captain pacified enough to prevent her from attempting to roam out of her terrarium in an attempt at world conquest. All may be lost, I fear.
...
We knocked it off her shankinstabber with a chopstick. Shankinstabber is the scientific term for murderpole BTW. I fear our meat offerings will no longer keep the Captain pacified enough to prevent her from attempting to roam out of her terrarium in an attempt at world conquest. All may be lost, I fear.
shaowebb
Member
fanboi said:
You do not put things in front of the Captain unless you well, and truly demand that they die. The Captain once mauled a gourd that she fell on because it got close to her face. When she realized it couldn't bleed she lost interest in trying to bite it's skin off.
That said...I suspect she would attack my nimbly digits of tantalizingly meaty deliciousness instantly rather than premeditate a more elaborate form of finger assassinry.
shaowebb
Member
Okay...I made a mistake today with The Captain. She had seemed kind of tired lately so I figured she needed more food. She had actually shown a few signs of difficulty climbing down the cage as well so I figured I'd try and help her out.
I bought 2 dozen crickets, and then decided to grab some tweezers, and reach one to daddy's little murder muppet.
BIG. MISTAKE.
It went something like this.
The Captain tried to keep the tweezers, but only after releasing a blurringly fast series of shankinstabber swipes, and cricket decapitating attacks. She LITERALLY bit the cricket on the head and with her murderpoles tore it in HALF while keeping the bastards head in her mandibles.
She then dropped the cricket...and came after ME. The Captain grabbed my tweezers and began pulling me in for the kill. It was a battle for the ages! My meaty apendagibles were scant millimeters from the killing maw of "The terror of the insect kingdom who is spoken of only in legends, and between death throws."
Scared for my life she unfurled both her wings in such a switchblade fast posturing of triumph toward my appending demise that I was literally dumbstruck for a moment.
This moment saved me. I dropped the tweezers, and realized I was free. I removed my arm and let her keep her cricket viscera covered trophy, and closed the terrarium. I later recovered said trophy, and now the Captain has begun a new hobby.
She stares at me from the glass of her terrarium and taps on the glass as if asking me to deliver to her the trophy she won.
...
I think tomorrow I'm gonna feed my sweety shnookies a big fat caterpillar. Whoooo's daddy's widdle giiiiiiiiiiiiiirl!
I bought 2 dozen crickets, and then decided to grab some tweezers, and reach one to daddy's little murder muppet.
BIG. MISTAKE.
It went something like this.
- Caught a cricket with tweezers.
- Poked it in front of Captain Badass' face in hopes she would eat and feel better.
- WITNESSED THE FURY OF HELL UNLEASHED.
- Got caught in said fury...
The Captain tried to keep the tweezers, but only after releasing a blurringly fast series of shankinstabber swipes, and cricket decapitating attacks. She LITERALLY bit the cricket on the head and with her murderpoles tore it in HALF while keeping the bastards head in her mandibles.
She then dropped the cricket...and came after ME. The Captain grabbed my tweezers and began pulling me in for the kill. It was a battle for the ages! My meaty apendagibles were scant millimeters from the killing maw of "The terror of the insect kingdom who is spoken of only in legends, and between death throws."
Scared for my life she unfurled both her wings in such a switchblade fast posturing of triumph toward my appending demise that I was literally dumbstruck for a moment.
This moment saved me. I dropped the tweezers, and realized I was free. I removed my arm and let her keep her cricket viscera covered trophy, and closed the terrarium. I later recovered said trophy, and now the Captain has begun a new hobby.
She stares at me from the glass of her terrarium and taps on the glass as if asking me to deliver to her the trophy she won.
...
I think tomorrow I'm gonna feed my sweety shnookies a big fat caterpillar. Whoooo's daddy's widdle giiiiiiiiiiiiiirl!
Goddamn this is a fucking A+++ thread!!!! :lol :lol :lol
Keep us up-to-date with how the caterpillar gets decimated by Captain Badass.
And yeah, uh, regarding feeding it - be careful, remember that it's a Badass first, predator second, and pet last - so don't try to give sympathy to it.
It will just want to tear you in half like it did the poor cricket.
Keep us up-to-date with how the caterpillar gets decimated by Captain Badass.
And yeah, uh, regarding feeding it - be careful, remember that it's a Badass first, predator second, and pet last - so don't try to give sympathy to it.
It will just want to tear you in half like it did the poor cricket.
Anasui Kishibe
Banned
shaowebb said:UPDATE:
Called it. The Captain is a girl...and now shes a mom. Captain Badass is in the process of laying what looks to be enough mantis eggs to systematically take over the world. It's kind of an odd foamy substance shooting out of her, and shes been at it about an hour.
Question is...what to do with them. Mantises (manti?) will gleefully cannibalize each other. It's still winter and if they are placed outside they could either
A) freeze
B) be eaten
C) maybe lay dormant and hatch in spring...if there safe enough
If I keep them they could
A) Be eaten by Captain Badass
B) Eat each other THEN be eaten by Captain Badass once they've fattened up
C) Be eaten by Captain Badass while she wears a hockey mask and clicks the theme from Halloween out with her mandibles.
...sigh...what to do. Decisions. Decisions.
Nature all up in this bitch.
....
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