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Roast a Sacred Cow

Snuggles

erotic butter maelstrom
Dec 15, 2008
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This is a thread for roasting sacred cows, games and series with a 'universal acclaim' or a passionate fanbase. Sure, there are detractors of any and every game, but there are certain IP's that are almost universally excepted as great, or classics, or the standard that others in the genre should be judged by. You may hear your peers praise these games like they're the second coming of Christ, but you just don't see it. Tell us how you feel.
It doesn't have to be a Mario or Zelda, just target something that might get a lot of hype on GAF or elsewhere that you think sucks.



Allow me to go first.

I realize I'm throwing myself a bit of a softball here, but I'm more of a lover than a hater so it's the best I can do.



God of War sucks.




Why do people think it doesn't suck?

* Critical acclaim. On the Metacritic, God of War & God of War II are among the highest rated PS2 games at 94 and 93. They're often considered the best games on the system, which is no small feat. The wizards at IGN listed it as the 2nd greatest PS2 game of all time, saying "It simply does not get much better than this."

* High production values. God of War 1/2 pushed the PS2 to it's limits, just as God of War 3 did for the PS3. There's no denying that these games look damn good, and everything is on an epic scale.

* High profile console exclusive. No further description necessary. This is very important to some people.



Why does it suck?


* Kratos sucks.


No personality traits except for ANGRY, he is one dimensional and unintentionally hilarious. It's a desperate attempt and creating the most 'badass' character possible, and the sad thing is that most gamers are into it.


* QTE's QTE's QTE's QTE's.


QTE's aren't fun. We all know this. So why the shit would I want to play a game with this many QTE's? They put Heavy Rain to shame. It's a prime example of the 'press a button, watch cool shit happen' mentality that's ever-so prevalent in modern gaming. Many of the most famous GoW moments, like fighting Chronos in 3, revolve around QTE sequences. How often do you actually do cool shit, rather than watch Kratos do it as you mash O repeatedly? They're bad in any game, but the GoW games use them to a shameful extent.


* They're fucking embarrassing


(for those of us over the age of 16). Don't get me wrong, I'm not bothered by violence in videogames. I can appreciate a good act of violence in a game with a smirk on my face, as long as it gives me some assurance that it's tongue in cheek or absolutely necessary to the essence of the game. God of War is everything that's wrong about mature (LOL) gaming, and taken to the extreme. You fuck topless big titty bitches just because you're awesome, you tear off someone's head as you watch tendons and flesh rip, it shamelessly panders to a fanbase of weak little boys and its downright embarassing to play it, even if no one else is watching. Speaking of God of War and embarrassing, WATCH THIS.


* All style, no substance.




Killing things has never been never so dull. The limited moveset made me feel like I was going through almost the same routine with every enemy (mash square, mash triangle), and nearly every encounter - scrub or boss - was punctuated with a flaming O that trigged yet another fucking QTE sequence. At first, I admit it's kind of fun and empowering, but a few hours in it begins to feel like a grind and by the end, I'm just happy it's over. The combat is only satisfying in a superficial way, and I never felt any urge to master the game.


* Pushing blocks.




I suppose there are worse ways to pad the length of your game, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who got tired of doing this. Tedious and dull, but I guess you could say that about almost any other gameplay aspect of God of War.


* The, um...story?



If you can call it that. Kratos meets a character, kills him or her and moves on to the next character. Rinse and repeat. That's pretty much all I got from the whole trilogy, but I guess he also killed his family or something but I don't really give a shit.


* Slurpies.




So there's that. It all come together in a hodgepodge of just about everything I hate about gaming. I don't know why I subjected myself to these games, but I didn't realized how much I hated them until the 3rd. I have no doubt in my mind that I will never play another one, no matter how awesome it looks.

~


DISCLAIMER
This isn't a troll fest, just a venue to put a new perspective on something considered a truth. It's not a thread for posting a list of popular games you think are overrated. Try to explain why you think the game or series sucks. Maybe it's just your opinion, man, but sell it.

share
 

ZealousD

Makes world leading predictions like "The sun will rise tomorrow"
Apr 17, 2007
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Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

It's fucking terrible. The gameplay is fucking shit. Missions are shit. The graphics are shit. Oh, you failed a mission? Tough shit. No retry. You'll have to go all the way back. Or, you could make sure you save after every mission, and then reset the whole damn system! That'll bring you closer!

I fucking quit this game with the damn forklift mission on the pier.

The only time I ever had any fun in this game was when I decided to hijack an ambulance and decided to ironically run people over nonstop for about 5 minutes. That was fun, then it got boring.

Most overrated video game I have ever played.
 

Instro

Member
Jan 14, 2009
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ZealousD said:
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

It's fucking terrible. The gameplay is fucking shit. Missions are shit. The graphics are shit. Oh, you failed a mission? Tough shit. No retry. You'll have to go all the way back. Or, you could restart the whole damn system! That'll bring you closer!

I fucking quit this game with the damn forklift mission on the pier.

Most overrated video game I have ever played.

No worries, I hate all of the GTA games. Anyway Im not sure if its really a sacred cow, but I dont like Earthbound at all.
 

HK-47

Oh, bitch bitch bitch.
Oct 24, 2007
49,169
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Instro said:
No worries, I hate all of the GTA games. Anyway Im not sure if its really a sacred cow, but I dont like Earthbound at all.

That whole series is a sacred cow. Now you'll be devoured by the members of starman.net.
 

ZealousD

Makes world leading predictions like "The sun will rise tomorrow"
Apr 17, 2007
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Instro said:
No worries, I hate all of the GTA games.

I'd probably hate them all too, but San Andreas is the only one I've ever played. GTAIV looks like it addressed some of my concerns, but based on its reception, it also added some more.
 

drohne

hyperbolically metafictive
Jun 6, 2004
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i agree with most of those gow criticisms, but i also think they're well-paced, mechanically-adequate games with some cleverly designed scenarios and a minimum of filler. oh and they're indecently pretty. so they're entertaining enough i figure, though grotesquely overpraised.

there was a dialogue between n'gai croal and stephen totilo about the narrative briiliance of god of war 2 which is probably the single worst thing the gaming press has yet produced. yes, it's worse than gamefan's ace combat review.
 

Kodiak

Not an asshole.
Sep 30, 2006
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I think defending games should be completely off limits in this thread.

HATE FEST COMMENCE

it shall be glorious.
 

HK-47

Oh, bitch bitch bitch.
Oct 24, 2007
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drohne said:
i agree with most of those criticisms, but i also think they're really well-paced, mechanically-adequate games with some cleverly designed scenarios and a minimum of filler. oh and they're indecently pretty. so they're entertaining enough i figure, though grotesquely overpraised.

there was a dialogue between n'gai croal and stephen totilo about the narrative briiliance of god of war 2 which is probably the single worst thing the gaming press has yet produced. yes, it's worse than gamefan's ace combat review.
Link to this hilarity plz.
 

echoshifting

Banned
Mar 29, 2005
29,259
1
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Vancouver, WA
just my opinion buuuut....

There are no sacred cows in video games. I can't think of one. The OP is a good roast of God of War but it would fare better in a thread dedicated to discussion of the franchise. I like God of War quite a bit but I certainly don't consider it above criticism; indeed I believe many of the op's points are perfectly valid, and I think many fans of the franchise would - grudgingly or otherwise - agree. Nobody else is going to put that much effort in, it's just going to be "this is a game that many people like that I hate." There has never been enough consensus among gamers on any one game to elevate a franchise to the level of a sacred cow.

I mean if this were really a long thread of people roasting sacred cows it would be frequently punctuated by outraged replies, and while there may be a few of those here and there, they will be greatly outnumbered by the "____ sucks" posts.
 

drohne

hyperbolically metafictive
Jun 6, 2004
16,736
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HK-47 said:
Link to this hilarity plz.

took place across their blogs, neither of which seems to exist anymore. BUT IT WAS REAL I TELL YOU
 

Kodiak

Not an asshole.
Sep 30, 2006
5,807
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echoshifting said:
just my opinion buuuut....

There are no sacred cows in video games. I can't think of one. The OP is a good roast of God of War but it would fare better in a thread dedicated to discussion of the franchise. I like God of War quite a bit but I certainly don't consider it above criticism; indeed I believe many of the op's points are perfectly valid, and I think many fans of the franchise would - grudgingly or otherwise - agree. Nobody else is going to put that much effort in, it's just going to be "this is a game I like that many people like that I hate." There has never been enough consensus among gamers on any one game to elevate a franchise to the level of a sacred cow.

I mean if this were really a long thread of people roasting sacred cows it would be frequently punctuated by outraged replies, and while there may be a few of those here and there, they will be greatly outnumbered by the "____ sucks" posts.

I'd say Portal is pretty much the Sacred Cow
 

Ellis Kim

Banned
Apr 12, 2010
3,407
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Bay Area, CA
I am still bitter over how shallow the God of War gameplay experience is when compared to its superior Japanese contemporaries. The only compliment I can give it is just how impressive GoW 3 looks, along with improved controls.

But I also find the controls improvement analagous to that of the Yakuza series, whereas something like Ninja Gaiden has always been top notch. However, it still baffles me that Right Stick is the dodge move, and that cannot be forgiven.

Anyways, I would have said "In before MGS series/MGS4," but considering its hate/praise balance ratio on these boards I'd say its been a long time since its been a "sacred cow."
 

ZealousD

Makes world leading predictions like "The sun will rise tomorrow"
Apr 17, 2007
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echoshifting said:
There has never been enough consensus among gamers on any one game to elevate a franchise to the level of a sacred cow.

Tetris.

I want to see a person try and do a roast of Tetris.

Edit: You BASTARD!
 

StuBurns

Banned
Jan 9, 2008
69,543
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Kodiak said:
I'd say Portal is pretty much the Sacred Cow
Pretty much, Portal is the best game this generation, it's well liked.

There are lots of 'sacred cows', Nintendo can do no wrong for most of GAF, I think they're the worst of the three first parties. id are treated very similarly, I don't think they've put out a decent game for an embarrassing amount of time.
 

CecilRousso

Member
Jun 29, 2008
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I haven´t actually played the God of War games more than the demo for GoW3, but the whole "bad ass" attitude in games like this indeed embarrasing. Every sequence I see from the games where Kratos or someone else just yells and tries to make a powerful impression feels like something ripped from a Southpark episode.

It was the same with the Bullet Storm demo, where the characters yelled fuckers and motherfucks to everyone and everything. I really don´t what they are trying to achieve with that really. Are the characters supposed to be funny? Cool? Scary? Powerful? To me they just seemed......lame.
 

ZealousD

Makes world leading predictions like "The sun will rise tomorrow"
Apr 17, 2007
29,342
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StuBurns said:
Pretty much, Portal is the best game this generation, it's well liked.

Portal lost its sacred cow status when the cake jokes started getting old.

I facepalmed IRL when I saw "The Cake is a Lie" in Castlevania.
 

cuyahoga

Dudebro, My Shit is Fucked Up So I Got to Shoot/Slice You II: It's Straight-Up Dawg Time
Apr 14, 2009
3,563
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All Zeldas other than Majora's Mask suck. - Boring, generic tripe.
All Marios after Sunshine suck. - Boring, generic tripe.
All Suda 51 games suck. - He attempts to compensate for his utter lack of game design abilities or profundity by claiming the terribleness in his games is "meta"
Sonic games suck. - Aged horribly.
Final Fantasy sucks. - Games feel similarly forgettable.
Borderlands sucks. - Fallout 3 but even more lifeless.
Bethesda RPGs suck. - Quantity over quality.
Mass Effect sucks. - Generic tripe.
Metal Gear Solid sucks. - It's Transformers fan-fiction presented with unconvincing, embarrassing gravitas.
Team Ico games suck. - Way too precious and overearnest; also they play horribly.
God Hand sucks. - Just completely forgettable in every which way, feels like a budget game.
Portal sucks. - Mechanics got old and nerd meme humor was grating.
 

Snuggles

erotic butter maelstrom
Dec 15, 2008
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Kodiak said:
I'd say Portal is pretty much the Sacred Cow

Yeah, I would be surprised if anyone tried to tackle Portal.

Still, I think echo is probably right, but there are plenty of games/series that are almost universally loved on here and I would like to present this opportunity as a means to talk shit about them if anyone feels the need.

If anyone hates games like zelda, deus ex, mario, demon's souls, uncharted, metal gear solid, crysis, etc, please make an awesome post about it. I love this stuff.
 

ShineALight

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May 15, 2009
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I've given each new God of War game a fair shake, and when I bought my PS3 it came with the collection, but got bored with them all for the reasons in the OP.
 

EatChildren

Currently polling second in Australia's federal election (first in the Gold Coast), this feral may one day be your Bogan King.
Jan 29, 2008
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Half-Life 2 sucks.




Why do people think it doesn't suck?

* Critical acclaim: Half-Life, it's expansions, Half-Life 2, its episodes, and everything Valve makes not only have crazy high Metacritic averages, but are respected and admired by gaming journalists across all corners of the Earth.

* VALVE VALVE VALVE: Fanboys circle jerk over everything Valve does. They could release a steaming turd (pun intended) and people would still buy it. Everybody loves Valve and everything they do, for some reason.

*Art: Apparently ripping off War of the Worlds and 1984 constitutes as good world building and art.


Why does it suck?


* Gordon sucks


No personality traits at all. In fact, no personality. Not only does Gordon never speak, but he is never shown in epic cinematic filmclips. Where are his one liners? Why doesn't he hit on Alyx (ugly anyway). If he were dark brooding and angry then maybe he'd be awesome but as it is he might as well not exist at all. Plus you cant see his legs seriously what is with that???!!!

* GUNPLAY IS LAMMMMEEEEE


Um excuse me but this isn't a gun. Its a glorified trolly. Its something old people would use to carry grocaries. Its boring because it doesnt shoot bullets, and its supposed to be the best weapon? Sorry NOPE. Also all the other guns suck because they dont have iron sights and only one of them has a grenade launcher. Also it needs a gattling gun. And a sniper rocket launcher or something.


* Ugly females


I can only play games with hot babes and Half-Life 2 IS NOT ONE OF THEM. Alyx is the ugliest female in gaming since Link and even though I've tried to fap to her I cant. Also she keeps talking and wont shut up. Maybe if she would shut up then I would like her more but probably not. If they made her look like the screenshot I posted then maybe I could get it up but she'd still need a bag over that face.


* All hats, no substance.


The Orange Tub or whatever it is called had some half-life game called Team Fortress and it didnt make any sense. I didnt understand how it fit into the half life world. Why are these red and blue guys fighting each other why does it look like a kiddie game? It had too many hats and I couldnt get them all. That chick in the gas mask was pretty hot tho.


* Portal blocks.


The Orange Tub had this other game called Portals and it was even MORE BORING THAN HALF LIFE 2. All you did was make holes in the wall and jump through them to solve puzzles. BOOOOOORRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIING. I played the whole thing (it was like thirty minutes long, RIP OFF) and not once did you get a machine gun or fight any terrorist. 0/10.


* Valve hates PlayStation 3(tm)


Gabe Newegg said that Sony make terrible consoles and that the PlayStation 3 is the WORST system ever and that he wont make ANY games well FUCK YOU GABE NOBODY!!! Valve games SUCK they are TERRIBLE and will never be as good as Infinity War and Treyarch's CALL OF DUTY or the PS TRIPPLE megahits like GOD OF WAR and KILLZONE. All your games have stupid names like Half Life. Half a life HAHAHAHA nowhere near as cool as KILLZONE. Zone of killing Vs. half a life. You tell me which is better?


* Half-life 2 has the crappest graphics ever
 

ZealousD

Makes world leading predictions like "The sun will rise tomorrow"
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Snuggler said:
If anyone hates games like zelda, deus ex, mario, demon's souls, uncharted, metal gear solid, crysis, etc, please make an awesome post about it. I love this stuff.

You honestly believe that Demon's Souls is a sacred cow? The love it gets from its fans is incredible, but it is far from universally loved.
 

DieNgamers

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Jul 30, 2005
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Radiohe...oh. ;D I don't think I hate any of the popular games. I like GTA but I think the games are an example of quantity>quality. Ambitious concept but kind of sloppy in detail. The quality of the missions is really uneven with all those races.
 

drohne

hyperbolically metafictive
Jun 6, 2004
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i'd rather play practically anything than tetris -- half an hour of that abomination and i'm seeing tetris blocks EVERYWHERE. sliding into the margins of books, filling in the spaces between buildings, etc. tetris isn't the only falling block puzzle game that causes this sort of brain damage, but it's the originator and still the worst, and was obviously a communist plot of some kind
 

Snuggles

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ZealousD said:
You honestly believe that Demon's Souls is a sacred cow? The love it gets from its fans is incredible, but it is far from universally loved.

Sure, but I have seen very few harsh criticisms of it, mostly just posts saying it's not for them or whatever. I know quite a few didn't enjoy it so I'd love to see someone expand on why they hated the game.
 

ZealousD

Makes world leading predictions like "The sun will rise tomorrow"
Apr 17, 2007
29,342
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Snuggler said:
Sure, but I have seen very few harsh criticisms of it, mostly just posts saying it's not for them or whatever. I know quite a few didn't enjoy it so I'd love to see someone expand on why they hated the game.

I thought the criticisms of it were pretty well known.

It's hard as shit.


EatChildren said:
Half-Life 2

I see what you're trying to do here. But it's not really working.
 
Feb 28, 2009
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Planescape: Torment has an incredibly boring story.
Mother 3's characters are bland.
The only good thing about Nier is its soundtrack.
Ico is the 17th worst game I've ever played.
Final Fantasy 12 ruined the series.

I'd say more, but it's 5 AM and I need to get to bed. Hopefully I'll have some actual roasting in mind when I wake up.
 

Ellis Kim

Banned
Apr 12, 2010
3,407
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ZealousD said:
I'd probably hate them all too, but San Andreas is the only one I've ever played. GTAIV looks like it addressed some of my concerns, but based on its reception, it also added some more.
Ironically, I recommend picking up Bully. I, too, do not enjoy the GTA series, yet Bully shines with its intelligent writing, brilliant music, and a setting and structure that keeps you from getting off the beaten path too often.

I think its R*'s best game, especially for people who didn't enjoy the GTA games.
 

ZealousD

Makes world leading predictions like "The sun will rise tomorrow"
Apr 17, 2007
29,342
2
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Ellis Kim said:
Ironically, I recommend picking up Bully. I, too, do not enjoy the GTA series, yet Bully shines with its intelligent writing, brilliant music, and a setting and structure that keeps you from getting off the beaten path too often.

I think its R*'s best game, especially for people who didn't enjoy the GTA games.

I played and liked Red Dead Redemption, but think it's also kinda overrated. It piddles around too much when you're in Mexico, and the ending
draws out too long before finishing on nonsense. You shouldn't have a climax and then stick around for another few hours of gameplay.
 

Oblivion

Fetishing muscular manly men in skintight hosery
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drohne said:
took place across their blogs, neither of which seems to exist anymore. BUT IT WAS REAL I TELL YOU

suuuuuuuure it was
 

The M.O.B

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Oct 7, 2006
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Killzone 2:

+ It got dem Good HD graphiX

- Terrible dialogue
- Vignetting
- Too much Dudebro going on
- Boring levels
- Last levels are a grind
- Same Ol' FPS formula
- One crescendo moment too many
 

HK-47

Oh, bitch bitch bitch.
Oct 24, 2007
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ZealousD said:
I thought the criticisms of it were pretty well known.

It's hard as shit.




I see what you're trying to do here. But it's not really working.

Thats less a criticism and more a statement of fact. DS is a game I'd definitely say is a sacred cow.
 

kinoki

Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed; to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only; pain we obey.
Apr 27, 2006
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Kratos is basicly Hercules. Son of Zues, murders his family in a blind rage and accomplishes huge feats. The similarities are many.

I would argue that the only time Kratos had a personality is the first game. The rest of the time, when it slipped out of Jaffe's hands he became a sellable action figure in a untapped setting. The first game also follows a very clear and solid plot structure and has a good character arc. The second game might be a better game but it's a worse story and has a terrible plot (see also: Mass Effect 2).

So, Snuggy, I'd agree with you on GoW 2 and 3. Not the first game.
 

HK-47

Oh, bitch bitch bitch.
Oct 24, 2007
49,169
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1,010
cosmicblizzard said:
Planescape: Torment has an incredibly boring story.
Mother 3's characters are bland.
The only good thing about Nier is its soundtrack.
Ico is the 17th worst game I've ever played.
Final Fantasy 12 ruined the series.

I'd say more, but it's 5 AM and I need to get to bed. Hopefully I'll have some actual roasting in mind when I wake up.

Thats impossible. Its been ruined since 7.