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Slate: Straight Woman Dating on Grindr


Expansive Ellipses
Staff Member
May 30, 2004

Here we go :messenger_tears_of_joy:

Dear How to Do It,
I’m a cis woman in kind of a classic millennial sex pickle: I’m really repelled by heterosexuality politically and personally, but I’m also really into dick. I’ve been thinking maybe I should look for bi dudes/ bicurious gay dudes, but I am not sure how best to do that. Rich, what would you think of a woman being on Grindr or Scruff? I do want to be respectful of gay men’s spaces and not horn in where I’m not welcome, but I really would love to find a vers guy with queer politics who would be up for casually dating a woman. What do you think? If you were me, where would you look?


Dear Radical,
I’m not sure I’d call this a “classic millennial sex pickle,” and I’d like to hear more about your particular flavor of self-flagellating dick politics, but I’ll answer the question you actually asked. A general rule of thumb that I wish more people followed is: If you enter a space as someone who is not a member of the demographic for which said space was established, you should behave yourself. Don’t try to make something that has been designed to be not about you about you. The world is not your bachelorette party. So if you must go the route of using digital spaces dominated by men seeking men, as a cis woman with (no offense?) ostensibly hetero desires, don’t bother people. Let them come to you. Also be prepared to have your profile deleted. I actually have seen cis, hetero women on Grindr and the like before, and whenever I do, I think, “Well, she’s not gonna last.” And she doesn’t.
Some gay and even bi men might admonish you for even trying your hand at the gay grid (and may get pissed at me for not scolding you for wanting to do so), but we must acknowledge that it’s not just a space for queer men anymore. In recent years apps like Grindr and Scruff have become more trans-inclusive, including trans women. They offer “trans” as an option for one’s tribe, implicitly accepting that trans people will use the apps. And it seems to have worked, at least in New York, where the trans population on these apps has grown considerably more visible, as has the population of straight-identified men who are looking for trans women only and say so in their profiles. All kinds of spaces that were previously thought of as being only for men are now more queer-inclusive. I think that’s good? Guys are still getting plenty of dick (they will always find a way to do so), and other identities have more outlets as well.
That said, I don’t know how much luck you’d actually have on the likes of Grindr, though I do think it would be an interesting experiment if nothing else. If you’re in a major metropolitan area, you’re better off going to queer parties, even queer sex parties (if you think you’d be into that), where the identification boundaries tend to bleed into each other and a real anything-goes spirit pervades. There are dating apps/websites specifically catering to bi people (I’ve seen one that requires all of its users to identify somewhere on the bi spectrum in their profiles), but I have no experience with them and am reluctant to recommend them by name. Try Google. Probably the best way for an affair with a queer man to happen would be organically over time, through an extended friend group, for example, but that would require some patience and a lot of uncertainty, both of which the modern mindset disdains.
Something you should keep in mind is that pursuing guys who share your interest in dick will hardly weed out jerks. There are a lot of shitty men who identify as gay and bi, and their queerness doesn’t automatically absolve them of misogyny. In fact, the misogyny in some of these dudes is compounded by a perceived lack of use for women. At least straight guys will pretend to be civilized for the sake of getting laid. Ultimately, I feel like you’re going to end up with some big-dicked puppy dog of a straight guy who’s read some theory here and there, anyway? I mean, by all means have fun until you find him, but I’d put money on that being where this is going.
Current_year sure is a pickle.


Jun 7, 2004
This would be even more amusing if you gender-swapped this:

"Dear Slate, I'm a cis-dude and I hate hetero-politics, but I'm into pussy. Would it be OK to use a gay dating app to find a lesbian to willing to suck my self-loathing dick? It's a real pickle"


Jan 21, 2008
"I’m really repelled by heterosexuality politically and personally "

What the fuck does this even mean in the context of someone being heterosexual?
I'm pretty sure all these questions are fake, so maybe it actually does Mena jack shit.


Jun 3, 2013
Weird that she doesn't have any access to a guy with "queer politics", surely in her gender studies classes there are some woke soyboys for her.
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Dec 17, 2009
Memphis, TN
Don’t try to make something that has been designed to be not about you about you. The world is not your bachelorette party. So if you must go the route of using digital spaces dominated by men seeking men, as a cis woman with (no offense?) ostensibly hetero desires, don’t bother people.
Unless that space is about gaming/comics/etc, then you can kick that fucking door down, guns blazing, and start laying claims to territory like a Spanish conquistador.
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Jun 9, 2004
Repelled by heterosexuality politically and personally?

But is woman and likes dick.

This is the battle someone is having in their head because they want to be special but aren’t a part of the small LGBT club right? The solution isn’t to reject your heterosexuality (the innate nature of which is a huge factor in the argument for gay rights, btw), it’s finding something else to make yourself unique and special. Saying you’re repelled by something completely normal like being hetero seems like such a lazy path to get attention and, if I were LGBT myself, would probably be insulted by that. She’s like the white lady who tried to identify as black.
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Feb 25, 2006
I can hear her vocal fry just reading that. Imagine dating that hot mess. Gay or straight I feel for that dude.
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Feb 25, 2006
Can't she just go on ERA and find all the effeminate politically castrated "men" she wants?
Urban bugmen repel her as much as they repel everyone else. She won't say it but what she really craves is a dominant alpha male to put her in her place. I wouldn't be surprised if she wrote one of those "I hate Trump but can't stop sleeping with right wing dudes" articles 2 years ago.

Terra Torment

Jan 27, 2020
I used to use Grindr earlier in my transition when I wasn't sure if I was into men or not. What I was really into were T4T hookups and I figured since I don't pass at all, other t-girls might be on there who had the same idea.

That said I am not so much a fan of straight women gentrifying the platform like they colonize queer spaces. A gay bar is not a place for your bachelorette party and we would rightly look at men as pigs if they did the same to a lesbian bar to fetishize queer women. There is sooo so much out there for straight people, they ought to use that.

All that said, what annoys me more about Grindr are all the headless married straight guys on there. I hated that. If you're not willing to put your face on your profile you're probably going to be embarrassed to be seen in public with me and just want me to top you. No thank you. This is my life. This is my everyday, you can deal with a little stigma that I put up with every second. Also married guys on Grindr can go to hell.
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... and he cannot lie
Feb 21, 2018
Look if I go on filipinodating.com or Woohoo or Paktor I would be pretty pissed if some cornbread white chick was on their trying to steal my attention away from those beautiful Asian creatures.

So she should stay away from gay spaces. Nobody Important can lay the pipe for her and she can get all her Trump hating politics as well.


Jan 9, 2020
Ok whoever has problems getting laid... this is your chance. Just register on grindr and pretend to be bisexual.

Its like holding your fishing rod patiently while waiting for the fish to bite


Jun 8, 2004
Keep on fighting the good fight girl. I'm politically opposed to phillips head screwdrivers. I'm banned from all hardware stores across town but that hasn't stopped me!
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Jul 20, 2018
“In fact, the misogyny in some of these dudes is compounded by a perceived lack of use for women. At least straight guys will pretend to be civilized for the sake of getting laid.”

God I wish I was gay.


Apr 19, 2019
This sounds like an effort to scoop losers in to getting bummed.

"hey, having no luck on tinder? Join grinder where there are 'straight-wiminz'. Ohh and when you don't find any, and you hit a low point of desperation, you can get your dick sucked by a dude in a wig at your local sauna."

"Join today!"

Super Mario

Mario Mario
Nov 12, 2016
Just think. Someone somewhere is brainstorming how to top this in terms of clown factor. Oh and they will deliver too.
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