Ok, now that I have your attention, let me give you my incident:
I've been having relationship problems with my girlfriend for the past year.
(Wait, wait! Keep reading!!)
And over the course of the past year, we've been pretty abusive towards each other, but moreso me. Consequently, I've been put in jail for a night and been put on probation for the next 12 months. I've accepted my issues with violence and abusive situations and have enrolled myself in a DVIP (domestic violence intervention program) recently. So, currently I am doing a lot better and all that jazz.
Now, my issue is that in the middle of all this confusion, I wasn't exactly doing too well. I didn't have a job for approximately six months (partly due to background checking), I wasn't in school, and I wasn't treating my girlfriend very respectfully. In between dicking her around by saying I was kinda with her, but not really, I was also seeing another girl. But, to me, it was understood between my girlfriend (Sarah, white female) and I that we were not together. BUT, on top of all this, I was still living with my girl in the same home. So, I would lie about where I was going or had been out to, hide my phone calls, and generally just was not around very much. But, when I was around, I would still tell her how much I care about her and we would have sex quite often. But we never discussed being back together.
Now, here's the twist: I've been caught up with the new girl and admitted defeat wholeheartedly, and have bascially squared up honesty and means with Sarah. So for the most part (outside of random outlashings against me), we are doing a hell of a lot better and can value each other as human beings and as lovers. But that wasn't without a bit of rage from her. I was caught at a movie theatre with the "new" girl and was subsequently beaten outside of the movie theatre in front of about one-hundred total strangers. Naturally, a guy would defend himself, but I already was on probation and didn't wanna jeopardize my future any more than it already had been. So, after hitting me in the eye with her set of car keyes and missing blinding me by about 3cm (that's what the doc said), I had her arrested and she spent the weekend in jail.
From this incident, though, Sarah's mother got involved and basically let me know what she thinks of me. Which, more or less, was that I am a disgrace to black people, and that I am nother more than a ****ing nigger. Now, that was a couple weeks ago and she has written me letters telling me that I should know better than to take what she said as a racist comment because, in her eyes, it was merely entailing how I had been living my life recently (she didn't entail how, but you should have an idea based on what I told you). Even her daughter, my girlfriend, agrees with how her mother used the word against me and states that she doesn't believe color was involved in the statement. But, and here's the kicker for me, before her daughter went to jail, I lived the same shitty lifestyle. I wasn't called this magic word, but I can't say for sure if she thought that about me or not. Only when Sarah was arrested was I noted to be nothing more than a nigger and a disgrace to black people, amongst other horrible statements.
Now, her argument is about being in a state of worthlessness when using the word, but I swear in all my years (23) I've never quite understood a definition that somehow regards those words. Am I wrongfully upset? Am I overreacting towards the situation? The very fact that as soon as something didn't go her way that she called me a nigger was upsetting because the very word is used to disrespect people, not to define how they are acting. And it would seem that a woman who is 24 years older than me could find another word to describe a black person's actions than rather use that one at the first opportunity.
But, I suppose my situation is that I really don't understand how the word is used....perhaps. I've looked on google.com and dictionary.com and I just don't understand how she was pointing it towards me (therefore making me even more angry).
What am I missing? Thanks for replies in advance.
.
