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Spinoff Discussion: The schism between Asian men and Asian women

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Right so as an Asian male what I learned from this thread is that the odds are stacked against me in a western country so fuck it, no point trying.

Just gonna get my degree and I'll be on my way...030
 

SRG01

Member
I do agree that more Asian representation in Western media would go a long way. It's ridiculous how even a film whose main draw was 'this is the first film starring Jet Li vs Jackie Chan' needed a white protagonist going back to ancient China. Without a white savior saving all those Poor Chinese people and making the Chinese heroine fall in love with him, how would the audience be able to identify with the movie??!

Anecdotally, I've noticed that non-Asian girls that consume Asian media (whether it be Wuxia, kpop/jpop, kdramas or anime or whatever) are more likely to express attraction to Asian guys. But then that invites negative connotations like weeaboo/koreaboo/yellow fever.

I've pointed this out in previous threads, but the documentary The Slanted Screen is an extremely good documentary about the portrayal of Asian men in Western film. It was in Netflix about a year or so ago, so it may still be there.
 

Formless

Member
I have my own theory for this. I've also had an Asian American girl straight up say to me that she would never date an Asian guy. I thought, "...is there something wrong with us?".

Reasons why we're less appealing:
- Lack of media exposure/all media hunks are basically white
- Poor portrayal in the media/stereotypes
- Lack of dating culture: It seems like dating earlier is much more allowed by Western parents as opposed to Asian immigrant parents. White dudes have more experience. There's still many Asian guys I know well past HS/college who treat dating like something really new, and act immaturely.
- Lots of us are directed towards scholarly pursuits, less time for going out and doing other things. Physical things too.
- Generally not as tall, lol. In general, our physiques aren't what American girls typically fawn over.

It's a double whammy that lots of white dudes have an infatuation with Asian girls, unfortunately due to "exoticism" and shit like that.

But that's race I guess.
 
Right so as an Asian male what I learned from this thread is that the odds are stacked against me in a western country so fuck it, no point trying.

Just gonna get my degree and I'll be on my way...030

Funny that you say that, because apparently a lot of K/Jpop stars were born and raised in America but went overseas to their homelands launch their careers since it was easier.
 

Ratrat

Member
I work with three asian brothers that are a statistical anamoly. Two of the three brothers have white wives and the third has a hispanic wife.

Also one of them has a sister in-law named Lorena Bobbitt.
It's not a statistical anamoly.
Funny that you say that, because apparently a lot of K/Jpop stars were born and raised in America but went overseas to their homelands launch their careers since it was easier.
By a lot do you mean a handful of women? And most them were probably discovered in Hawaii.
 
I have my own theory for this. I've also had an Asian American girl straight up say to me that she would never date an Asian guy. I thought, "...is there something wrong with us?".

Reasons why we're less appealing:
- Lack of media exposure/all media hunks are basically white
- Poor portrayal in the media/stereotypes
- Lack of dating culture: It seems like dating earlier is much more allowed by Western parents as opposed to Asian immigrant parents. White dudes have more experience. There's still many Asian guys I know well past HS/college who treat dating like something really new, and act immaturely.
- Lots of us are directed towards scholarly pursuits, less time for going out and doing other things. Physical things too.
- Generally not as tall, lol. In general, our physiques aren't what American girls typically fawn over.

It's a double whammy that lots of white dudes have an infatuation with Asian girls, unfortunately due to "exoticism" and shit like that.

But that's race I guess.

Don't worry, none of that would magically matter once we make lots of money from our scholarly pursuits :3
 
Dang, I missed a a riveting discussion of how feminine Asian men are!

While I believe it's true that Asian men are, on average, shorter, leaner, and more hairless than white men, I'm not sure that supports a sweeping generalization. And then to believe that this description of femininity is the opposite of what most women want is also a leap too far.

But to be honest, "Asian-ness" is not something that growing up, I thought about a lot. Maybe more to do with the fact that I was raised in communities with very small Asian populations with very few Asian friends until I entered college. For that reason, I think, I had a hard time seeing Asian females as objects of love interest because I had a strong association of female Asians with my mom and sister.

Maybe because I am fairly masculine (shaved head, body hair, facial hair, slightly above average height (for the US), athletic build). For that reason, I think I presented little romantic interest to Asian females in college because I was very non-traditional in my appearance.

I tend to think about race more now in the context of my daughter and what life will be like for her growing up mixed and how she will identify. I've even proposed that she change her last name to my wife's maiden name to better her chances of college entry -- only half jokingly.

My wife and I find it funny that many times, people don't expect someone like her to show up when they see her last name. She's as white as can be so sometimes people have great reactions at the dissonance; she's had people ask her "Do you know where Mrs. Chen is?" because the idea of a white "Mrs. Chen" is so alien.

Very few of my Asian friends have the typical small, slim Asian build that has been bandied about. It's interesting that for you, this made it harder for you to date Asian women. Were these Asians that grew up in the states or newly immigrated Asians. I think there is a big distinction.

Also, having a hard time being attracted to Asian women because they remind you of your family does make sense if you grew up in a community with fewer Asian people. Never heard it from a guy's side though.

Right so as an Asian male what I learned from this thread is that the odds are stacked against me in a western country so fuck it, no point trying.

Just gonna get my degree and I'll be on my way...030

Buck up dude, there are several Asian men in this thread blazing paths in the dating world for us all.

I have my own theory for this. I've also had an Asian American girl straight up say to me that she would never date an Asian guy. I thought, "...is there something wrong with us?".

Reasons why we're less appealing:
- Lack of media exposure/all media hunks are basically white
- Poor portrayal in the media/stereotypes
- Lack of dating culture: It seems like dating earlier is much more allowed by Western parents as opposed to Asian immigrant parents. White dudes have more experience. There's still many Asian guys I know well past HS/college who treat dating like something really new, and act immaturely.
- Lots of us are directed towards scholarly pursuits, less time for going out and doing other things. Physical things too.
- Generally not as tall, lol. In general, our physiques aren't what American girls typically fawn over.

It's a double whammy that lots of white dudes have an infatuation with Asian girls, unfortunately due to "exoticism" and shit like that.

But that's race I guess.

Go for a Fob, just be prepared for family drama.
 

Minion101

Banned
My Asian friend once told me that Asian men and black women are similar in that they are the "unwanted". Maybe he should write a book.
 
I think having less pronounced physical masculinity for Asian men is simply a handicap, but it's when the guy tries to morph himself into what he thinks is the local ideal that thing get ugly. It smacks of no self-respect and maybe women find this repulsive. I don't necessarily think most women want a macho man, but they do want an individual. I have more thoughts on this topic, but this kind of explains why I didn't find my conclusion that Asians are superficially feminine to be insulting. Of course, some women will rule you out because of your neoteny, and lifting weights probably won't do much to convert them. Do you really want such a woman anyway? Saddling yourself with a dinosaur like that will only hamper your development and growth as a person.
 
I think having less pronounced physical masculinity for Asian men is simply a handicap, but it's when the guy tries to morph himself into what he thinks is the local ideal that thing get ugly. It smacks of no self-respect and maybe women find this repulsive. I don't necessarily think most women want a macho man, but they do want an individual. I have more thoughts on this topic, but this kind of explains why I didn't find my conclusion that Asians are superficially feminine to be insulting. Of course, some women will rule you out because of your neoteny, and lifting weights probably won't do much to convert them. Do you really want such a woman anyway? Saddling yourself with a dinosaur like that will only hamper your development and growth as a person.

Ok, so you still think Asian men are more feminine than non-Asian men, specifically in that they are less masculine, which I believe you seem to think is due to being less muscular. Is that correct?

I mean, I think that Asian men on average are shorter and smaller, but I don't believe it's by much. And then there's the fact that just because the averages are like that doesn't mean that there aren't many Asian men who don't fit into that model, myself and many posters in this thread included. Yet, many of us have felt the same effects on dating as other Asian men have.

Don't you think that it may be more due to the media representation of Asian men as feminine? That this is simply a stereotype that has been shoved down everyone's throats instead of being the truth you believe it to be?

And also, doesn't your whole argument hinge on your belief that women want a super masculine man, which to you means big and muscular? That completely discounts the wide variety of preferences that women have as well as the recent trend towards slimmer, lean, and more "pretty" men.
 

dramatis

Member
Anecdotally, I've noticed that non-Asian girls that consume Asian media (whether it be Wuxia, kpop/jpop, kdramas or anime or whatever) are more likely to express attraction to Asian guys. But then that invites negative connotations like weeaboo/koreaboo/yellow fever.
lol I'm an Asian American who doesn't consume much Western TV but watches Asian dramas, and my reaction is the opposite. Don't find the Asian guys more attractive after.

But that's because I feel like a lot of Asian media is misogynist.
 

Miletius

Member
Asian men in all western media tend to be typecast as either try hard nerds or martial arts masters. You'd think that at the very least the 2nd type would be more conforming to traditional ideas of masculinity.

It's been a while since I've actively been looking for anybody but I'd encourage people not to give up. Yes, there are things that trend against you in society right now, but I mean is the situation any better in Japan right now? China? India? They all come with their own subset of problems and I vastly prefer the dating pool here in the US to that of my home countries.
 

YoungHav

Banned
On some points we have to accept that too many humans lack the mental processing power to analyse their own thought patterns when it comes to race. It's a lost cause, maybe the next generation is capable.
lmao. We been waiting since the 1620's for this imaginary race conscious next generation of new Americans. Race is a lost cause, black people lost :-(
 
Asian men in all western media tend to be typecast as either try hard nerds or martial arts masters.

Have we seen any martial arts master nerd hybrids?!?

CapNBritain said:
Were these Asians that grew up in the states or newly immigrated Asians. I think there is a big distinction.

Both, I think. I've had some interest from an Asian female in college, but I didn't realize it at the time.

This is what I look like today (34):

DSC09944-e1437764343158.jpg

But I've had my head shaved pretty much since high school and what I found out from my relatives in Taiwan was that only monks and criminals shave their heads :lol I think times have changed so that the shaved look is more mainstream, but I think that this had an impact.
 
Right so as an Asian male what I learned from this thread is that the odds are stacked against me in a western country so fuck it, no point trying.

Just gonna get my degree and I'll be on my way...030

As another Asian male, I don't understand this thinking. Why can't you guys use this as motivation to be better and aspire to reach higher? Do something about it instead of moping and giving up. THAT is why women don't dig you.
 
Yes, just because the odds are against Asian males in some ways doesn't mean they should just give up. A man who is smart, funny, healthy, successful, and confident is attractive no matter what race they are.
 
Man... First devo, then fiction, and now backslashbunny. How many more derisively dismissive female authorities on life will GAF have to endure?

See this? Right here? Especially you mods? This is why your forum is trash.

Can't even go on a forum hiatus for months because you never properly dealt with this misogyny, and outsiders think GAF is some kind of progressive gaming site, lawd.

The amount of just blatant harassment this site has cultivated in my direction and outside of it, a lot of which is just constantly handwaved as some kind of "well this is what you get for being a woman on the internet and espousing opinions" punishment.

But by all means make sure the Feminism OT is closed, that'll help.
 

The Glenn stuff is the perfect example of how bad it is. An Asian dude getting a girl on tv should not be a story, it should be a non-story. Yet when it happened there was headlines everywhere and lots of online discussion about how unique it was for an Asian man to be in a romance on a hit tv series, and with a white woman at that.

Once you are aware of this stuff you also notice the sexism and gender power dynamics present when you look into interracial couples in TV and movies that it's almost always the male that is White and succeeding with a minority female. You rarely see the opposite where a minority man would be getting with a White woman, because the ingrained sexism and racism in the heads of the masses would cause of negative reaction of 'oh they are taking our women'.
 
I think it has more to do with height and perception/media. A short dude is going to have more trouble in the dating game, that's just reality. Asian men are perceived to be shorter than white and black men, and more lean and less athletic. That's a hard L to have to bare and garner success dating.

Plus you guys don't have too many guys winning for you. I'm black, 6'3. I shed a tear when I see Idris Elba out there winning, makes me feel good. You guys have the dude on Walking Dead. I fux with him but I feel like you need more guys on TV shows or movies. Hollywood's known Asian bias/discrimination makes that hard.
 

Cuburt

Member
Right so as an Asian male what I learned from this thread is that the odds are stacked against me in a western country so fuck it, no point trying.

Just gonna get my degree and I'll be on my way...030

Nah, fuck that!

This thread shouldn't be to discourage Asian men because that's already what is happening.

It's about Asian men recapturing their masculinity and bucking these stereotypes instead of caving under their pressure.

Being aware of the perceptions that are out there are a tough pill to swallow but if you are aware you can do something about it.

A positive way to look at it is if women, and Asian women especially, see Asian men as stereotypically a certain way, if you portray confidence and strength in a way they wouldn't expect, women with suddenly see your value and you stick out from all the other guys they would have written off. Sure, it doesn't help on dating sites or apps or other social situations where a girl will have predetermined reasons to turn you down or not even give you a chance and media representation won't change overnight, but don't let that stop you from trying to prove her prejudices wrong.

You can either submit to being categorized as another boring, unattractive Asian male with all the negativity associated with that or be a fucking fire breathing unicorn that women will fight each other to get a chance to ride.
 

Trojita

Rapid Response Threadmaker
lol I'm an Asian American who doesn't consume much Western TV but watches Asian dramas, and my reaction is the opposite. Don't find the Asian guys more attractive after.

But that's because I feel like a lot of Asian media is misogynist.

So you are saying I have a chance Drama?
 
Grown up very close with some Vietnamese brothers (2nd generation) and they've all dated outside their race and culture. It lead to a lot family drama at first but their parents have all come around as far as I know.

One of them was insecure a bit for a while but only because he would obsess over getting a specific girl and ignore all these other admirers and i'm like Yo!

Anyways, I think one issue is that no matter how American you are, if you're asian, people always think you're not from here! It's fuckin stupid! Maybe that somehow works for asian women in dating and attracting partners but not for men?
 
Anyways, I think one issue is that no matter how American you are, if you're asian, people always think you're not from here! It's fuckin stupid!

Being ostracized as a foreigner has happened to every single ethnic group that's immigrated to the US over the course of the country's history. Usually by 3rd generation (or even 2nd), European immigrant families get assimilated in as Americans. This doesn't really happen with Asians. I can only imagine how 3rd-4th generation Japanese Americans feel having to deal with the whole "go back to your country" shit given that they're pretty much as American as apple pie.
 
The Glenn stuff is the perfect example of how bad it is. An Asian dude getting a girl on tv should not be a story, it should be a non-story. Yet when it happened there was headlines everywhere and lots of online discussion about how unique it was for an Asian man to be in a romance on a hit tv series, and with a white woman at that.

Once you are aware of this stuff you also notice the sexism and gender power dynamics present when you look into interracial couples in TV and movies that it's almost always the male that is White and succeeding with a minority female. You rarely see the opposite where a minority man would be getting with a White woman, because the ingrained sexism and racism in the heads of the masses would cause of negative reaction of 'oh they are taking our women'.

Reminds me of The Pelican Brief, a movie based on a book of the same name. Darby is Julia Roberts, Gray (Caucasian in the book) is Denzel Washington.

One of the biggest differences between the book and the movie is that in the book, there seems to be a burgeoning romance between Darby and Gray, which ends with them meeting up after she flees the country. In the movie, they keep it very business like, and there is no love story ending where they end up on a beach, talking about the future. The film is sometimes cited as an example of how American films of this era tended to avoid depicting interracial romance; however, the producers claimed the romantic element was removed from the film not due to racial issues, but because "it would detract from the thriller".

EDIT: Did Devo actually make her first post in months and then get banned for it?
 
Buck up dude, there are several Asian men in this thread blazing paths in the dating world for us all.

Statistically anomalies =p

As another Asian male, I don't understand this thinking. Why can't you guys use this as motivation to be better and aspire to reach higher? Do something about it instead of moping and giving up. THAT is why women don't dig you.

Well no apparently it's because of Hollywood.

Can't fight Hollywood.

Nah, fuck that!

This thread shouldn't be to discourage Asian men because that's already what is happening.

It's about Asian men recapturing their masculinity and bucking these stereotypes instead of caving under their pressure.

Being aware of the perceptions that are out there are a tough pill to swallow but if you are aware you can do something about it.

A positive way to look at it is if women, and Asian women especially, see Asian men as stereotypically a certain way, if you portray confidence and strength in a way they wouldn't expect, women with suddenly see your value and you stick out from all the other guys they would have written off. Sure, it doesn't help on dating sites or apps or other social situations where a girl will have predetermined reasons to turn you down or not even give you a chance and media representation won't change overnight, but don't let that stop you from trying to prove her prejudices wrong.

You can either submit to being categorized as another boring, unattractive Asian male with all the negativity associated with that or be a fucking fire breathing unicorn that women will fight each other to get a chance to ride.

What about White women? You know, the ones that seem inherently uninterested at all (mostly).
 

Cuburt

Member
What about White women? You know, the ones that seem inherently uninterested at all (mostly).

It's the same thing. Their aversions to dating Asian men may be different from Asian women in some ways, but at the end of the day, most women want the same things; for a man that act like a man. A little confidence goes a long ways. And while there will always be many white, Asian, and women of other ethnicities that may hold on to prejudiced, or even racist attitudes, and choose to not give you the time of day because of your race, but who wants to be with a woman like that anyways?

There are many other women out there that just need you to show them that you aren't as easily understood as writing you off as some stereotypical bullshit.

Long term relationships may be a tougher nut to crack than just dating inter-racially, and there is little you can do to change someone's mind about incompatibility with cultural backgrounds, families, religious beliefs, etc. but if you hold your own worth highly, don't compromise, and look for what you want, you should eventually find it.

After all you should be the prize that these women want, not the other way around. Just work towards being that person you want to be and you should have more choice and agency in dating rather than being at the mercy of your circumstances. Let a girl know early on, if anything is a problem than it won't work because your time is valuable and there are other girls where being Asian, and all the things that come with it, aren't a problem.

At least, that's my take on it. I don't claim to be an expert or anything. Just don't let outside forces control your life. I used to live like that for most of my life and I was not happy. I made some changes in my attitude and that fucking chart in the OP no longer symbolized a handicap and the hopelessness of my dating chances, but instead became a challenge and an advantage that all these other guys aren't using to the best of their ability.
Well no apparently it's because of Hollywood.

Can't fight Hollywood.
No woman is going to be attracted to someone who is moping, feeling sorry for himself, and has a defeatist attitude. You change that around and you can take control over something you actually have control over, even if you can't change Hollywood.
 

jerry113

Banned
The Glenn stuff is the perfect example of how bad it is. An Asian dude getting a girl on tv should not be a story, it should be a non-story. Yet when it happened there was headlines everywhere and lots of online discussion about how unique it was for an Asian man to be in a romance on a hit tv series, and with a white woman at that.

Once you are aware of this stuff you also notice the sexism and gender power dynamics present when you look into interracial couples in TV and movies that it's almost always the male that is White and succeeding with a minority female. You rarely see the opposite where a minority man would be getting with a White woman, because the ingrained sexism and racism in the heads of the masses would cause of negative reaction of 'oh they are taking our women'.

It's still progress. Any increase in (well-rounded character) representation is welcome.
 

Bleepey

Member
I used to listen to a podcast called Addicted to race/ racialicious and they talked about Asian males in the media. They talked about one show where a muscular Asian dude was the object of some white woman's lust and if I recall the hosts squealed with glee when the Asian guy got with the white girl. I can see the double standard when Asian men can be shat on in the media. But I did find it weird.

I also recall reading a blog, bitterasianmen.com I think. If the site's down use the way back machine I am on my phone and I don't care enough to check. These dudes complained about how all these Asian girls were sell outs for only dating white men. Then when they got emails saying date Latina or black girls they said their family would disapprove cos pale skin rocks. Any sympathy I had for them pretty much went out of the window, they weren't upset Asian girls ain't loyal, they were upset that the pinnacle of beauty in their eye didn't reciprocate.

Finally how many Asian guy non Asian girl pairings can you lot think off in western media.
Of the top of my head:

Rush Hour films
The Medallion
Martial Law
City Guys
Japanese Story ( Australian film and yes I know technically not western)
Flashforward
Harold and Kumar
 

Miletius

Member
Have we seen any martial arts master nerd hybrids?!?

Jackie Chan is pretty much the definition of a martial arts nerd hybrid, as far as I can tell. :p

In all seriousness, martial arts = discipline and focus, learning and patience, so to a certain extent all martial arts masters are portrayed as nerdy. Just nerdy and obessive about punching and kicking, not nerdy about other stuff like computer science, video games, and engineering.

Glenn is a good character in TWD, and it shows that a well rounded guy can be appealing regardless of the so called emasculation of Asian males. I can't actually think of another Aguy like that on TV, but admittedly I don't watch a lot. I was gonna say Soso on Orange is the New Black, but she's a woman so that's sorta out of scope of this topic. Regardless it's nice to see a few more complex roles being handed to Asian Americans.
 

jerry113

Banned
Finally how many Asian guy non Asian girl pairings can you lot think off in western media.

Sung Kang and Gal Gadot in Fast Five, Fast and Furious 6:


Karen Gillan and John Cho in Selfie:


Steven Yeun and Lauren Cohan in The Walking Dead:


real-life example: Bruce Lee and & Linda Lee


And to be honest, asian male asian female pairings are scarce in western media too, if not even more scarce. So I will include Jin & Sun from Lost anyway!

 

bobbytkc

ADD New Gen Gamer
Just do your own stuff guys. As an Asian guy myself, who gives a shit what other people think. You don't live for other people's opinions.
 

Lazyslob

Banned
ive heard and seen a lot of asian women moving on to other races more than asian guys. this is all anecdotal and the reason always is that they remind them of their dads
 
Think of like this, if you're a white male you're playing the dating game on an easy mode whereas if you're an asian male, you're playing on hard mode. Sure its harder but its possible plus if you succeed, it will be more impressive than the white male because you had to go through more obstacles.
 

eot

Banned
Think of like this, if you're a white male you're playing the dating game on an easy mode whereas if you're an asian male, you're playing on hard mode. Sure its harder but its possible plus if you succeed, it will be more impressive than the white male because you had to go through more obstacles.

Generalisations like this are so stupid.
People are people, they aren't their race.
 

Morrigan Stark

Arrogant Smirk
Repeat something enough times and everybody starts to believe in it.
Well it's obviously not true, but it's generally said by people who do have trouble telling Asian people apart for whatever reason. I could almost understand someone having this kind of difficulty if they don't often see Asians around them, but in his case, he does have tons of Asian friends in his circle, so I really don't get it. :S
 

BocoDragon

or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
backslashbunny said:
AH THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE COUPLES.
d522af4b7db8a19d9cea61ffa2872a10.jpg

But only because Han is soooo sdkjghskdghsklghdskghsdg . I've watched Tokyo Drift at least five times for him. That smirk. That attitude. That hair.

2perffffffff
More media representation like that, and I think this problem goes away. I just got into this series with my gf (LttP I know, but it looked DUMB when I was in my late teens/early 20s and to be fair, I didn't know it was going places) and Han really stood out to me as a cool character that would easily establish Asian men as not just datable, but be a prize. I thought he was cool.

I think that's all it takes. I've spoken to a few younger white girls who have a taste for Asian dudes, and lo and behold it's because they were poking around in kpop and such when they were younger (that makes me feel old but yup... 20 year old girls by now had access to that stuff when they were 12 or whatever). Put a little of that Asian hero appeal in mainstream American channels, and it will change the zeitgeist of date-ability.

People just want to feel they've got a prize of a partner... And the prize is largely what society at large tells them it is. I think a lot of western dudes got the memo that kawaii Japanese girls were a prize decades ago, in a way that was not true for the dudes. Balance that out with some Asian male heroism and the rest will follow...

And until that day... Don't self-limit yourself guys. The one white girl in particular I'm thinking of was a little frustrated that no Asian guys tried.
 
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