Wedding Age - I am like lost puppy

[sprsk]

So, the lady and I have finally started talking seriously about weddings and marriage and all that. The problem is, our situation is rather difficult.

We live in Japan, her friends and family are here, mine are mostly in America. She, being the social butterfly she is, wants to invite a crap load of people, so obviously it makes sense to have the wedding in Japan.

While that in itself is a problem for me (because I know jack and shit about getting married in this crazy country) the main problem is that I know absolutely nothing about weddings period. All these things you have to think about like: glasses, tablecloths, music, make-up artists(!?), food, invitations, flowers, all this shit that I know pretty much zero about. What I want to know is what I should be looking for in a good deal. The impression I get from the wedding business here is that it's mostly a scam. And instead of getting taken and having to pay 40 thousand dollars for a wedding, I want to knock it down to at least half of that.

I know some of you guys are married, so please tell me your stories.

 

[bjork]

Father of the bride pays for all that shit. It's the only way for the father to show honor.

Run with this.

Oh, and ask your boss or whoever to be your go-between. It was a big deal to one guy's supervisor on a j-drama called Second Chance.

 

[Linkhero1]

If I were in your place I'd have a family member help out, but since most are in America I don't really know what to do. I hope things work out for you sp0rks.

 

[sprsk]

Father of the bride pays for all that shit. It's the only way for the father to show honor.

Run with this.

Oh, and ask your boss or whoever to be your go-between. It was a big deal to one guy's supervisor on a j-drama called Second Chance.

My fiancee keeps telling me that will be pretty much impossible.

 

[reilo]

Wait.

She does know about the Pikachu suit and the nudes, right?

 

[funkmasterb]

Invited immediate family to St. Lucia
Rented 6 huge villas (everyone split the cost, around 200 bucks/night)
26 people came, and it was awesome. My uncle officiated and it was hilarious.
Catered open house parents house back in Canada, 120 people came, and it was awesome.

Our costs were way down, and enjoyment way up.
If you go the traditional route, prepare to be bent over and abused.

 

[bjork]

Okay, well in Wives Make The World Go 'Round, the main girl and guy just do a wedding ceremony, but they do some kind of commonlaw thing where it's not on the books so no one has to change their name or anything? Forget what it's called. But you could just do it on paper now, and do the actual ceremony later, no?

And other than that... I haven't seen a lot of j-dramas with weddings. The guy on Dinner on Thursday kidnapped a girl from a wedding, but that's all I remember about it, and I doubt you want that.

 

[GhaleonEB]

I knew nothing about those traditions when I was getting married as well. What I discovered is that women seem to have all of them burned into their brains though, so I was able to just learn about them from my wife. It's a strange list (rings, wedding colors, cake, invitations, etc.), but she'll know.

I'm interested in how those traditions play out in Japan. Are they similar to the US? (This is a non-helpful rhetorical question since you've already said you don't know, I realize.)

And yes, it's a scam. I think you primary goal should be to execute the wedding in a way that optimizes the balance between keeping the wife-to-be happy, while staying as practical as possible.

My wedding cost <$2,000, grand total. Excluding rings. The two most important things in marriage are sex and money, and screwing up the latter right out the gate is a bad idea, IMO.

Oh, and congratulations.

Edit: to elaborate.

1) My wife made her own dress, rather than spend thousands on one.
2) We ordered simple but elegent invitations; they can cost a shitton, so you can cut a lot of cost by keeping it simple.
3) We knew someone who made cakes as a side-career, and so he made a great one for ~$100.
4) We used a church building for the after-wedding gathering, so it didn't cost anything.
5) We skipped a honeymoon, because I started school the next week and we had to move between the wedding and then.

Go for simple but elegant. Don't blow tons of money on rings. Mine cost $320 and has held up just fine for nine years.

 

[Absinthe (Permed)]

My friend is getting married and planning for a wedding seems nothing short of nightmarish. Especially when domineering mothers are involved and try to live vicariously through their daughter.

 

[sprsk]

Wait.

She does know about the Pikachu suit and the nudes, right?

There was never a pikachu suit, I don't know where that came from.

I dressed up as Chopper from One Piece for Halloween last year, and of course she saw it and thought it was adorable.

 

[tnw]

My best friend just got married to a japanese girl.

They had two ceremonies. One in Toyama, one in Minneapolis. That way each family could have the wedding that they wanted. They techinically got legally married like a half a year ago or so.

This is pretty typical for int'l marriages. My cousin had a ceremony in the US and in Australia.

Anyway, they hired wedding planners to do all this stuff. Since you're a gaming nerd and don't have a natural sensibility for this kind of thing or the interest, probably be best for you to do the same.

 

[sprsk]

Thank you for the insult and the advice.

 

[Fuzzy]

Do what my buddy did, get married in Dominican Republic. His in-laws went down a week before the wedding to set everything up. We all went down with him for a week then he stayed another week after we left for the rest of his honeymoon. Great time.

 

[Phobophile]

My best friend just got married to a japanese girl.

They had two ceremonies. One in Toyama, one in Minneapolis. That way each family could have the wedding that they wanted. They techinically got legally married like a half a year ago or so.

This is pretty typical for int'l marriages. My cousin had a ceremony in the US and in Australia.

Anyway, they hired wedding planners to do all this stuff. Since you're a gaming nerd and don't have a natural sensibility for this kind of thing or the interest, probably be best for you to do the same.

Is it possible for you to make a post without some form of condescension in it?

 

[Lobster]

Sit back and nod your head.

Unless your fiance is awesome and hasn't been dreaming of the perfect wedding you're not going to be able to squeeze those pennies.

 

[tnw]

Is it possible for you to make a post without some form of condescension in it?

wasn't meant to be condescending . He said he doesn't know about weddings, I thought it was safe to say.

Like I would think better of him if he had some latent wedding planner talents.


Anyway, get married at Meiji Shrine!

 

[mre]

So, the lady and I have finally started talking seriously about weddings and marriage and all that. The problem is, our situation is rather difficult.

We live in Japan, her friends and family are here, mine are mostly in America. She, being the social butterfly she is, wants to invite a crap load of people, so obviously it makes sense to have the wedding in Japan.

While that in itself is a problem for me (because I know jack and shit about getting married in this crazy country) the main problem is that I know absolutely nothing about weddings period. All these things you have to think about like: glasses, tablecloths, music, make-up artists(!?), food, invitations, flowers, all this shit that I know pretty much zero about. What I want to know is what I should be looking for in a good deal. The impression I get from the wedding business here is that it's mostly a scam. And instead of getting taken and having to pay 40 thousand dollars for a wedding, I want to knock it down to at least half of that.

I know some of you guys are married, so please tell me your stories.

tnw hit the nail on the head with regards to international weddings. What you need to do is have one official wedding, in your case I would assume this would be in Japan, and then have a reception in America.

Now, as for the wedding itself. You need to talk to your fiancee and determine how you are going to pay for the wedding. If it is going to be up to you two, then you need to establish a budget of what you can afford. I don't know about your financial situation, but I do know that you are a teacher, so I doubt you are Scrooge McDuckin' it in the cash. Keep in mind that you set a realistic budget, and one that preferably will entail little debt.

If you don't want to (or can't afford to) hire a wedding planner, you can probably pick up a planning guide from a local bookstore that will give you an idea of the details that you will need to address in your planning.

Congrats, and best of luck! Being married has its ups and its downs, but I wouldn't change it for the world!

 

[Nicktals]

If you have to pay for it, tell her straight up how much you're willing to spend at the current time. Tell her if that won't give her the wedding she wants, then you'll have to put it off until you can or she'll have to make sacrifices to her dream wedding.

 

[sprsk]

We're going to split the costs, as of right now. I haven't given up on getting the parents involved though.

 

[Kittonwy]

So, the lady and I have finally started talking seriously about weddings and marriage and all that. The problem is, our situation is rather difficult.

We live in Japan, her friends and family are here, mine are mostly in America. She, being the social butterfly she is, wants to invite a crap load of people, so obviously it makes sense to have the wedding in Japan.

While that in itself is a problem for me (because I know jack and shit about getting married in this crazy country) the main problem is that I know absolutely nothing about weddings period. All these things you have to think about like: glasses, tablecloths, music, make-up artists(!?), food, invitations, flowers, all this shit that I know pretty much zero about. What I want to know is what I should be looking for in a good deal. The impression I get from the wedding business here is that it's mostly a scam. And instead of getting taken and having to pay 40 thousand dollars for a wedding, I want to knock it down to at least half of that.

I know some of you guys are married, so please tell me your stories.

Have you actually proposed?

 

[sprsk]

Have you actually proposed?

Yeah all that is taken care of, we just have to go formally tell the parents.

 

[mre]

We're going to split the costs, as of right now. I haven't given up on getting the parents involved though.

Want to know a way to sober up her wedding expectations? Get together and set the budget that you can reasonably afford, and then have her call around to places and get prices on dresses, reception halls, etc. That's one hell of a sticker shock.

Like Ghaleon pointed out, you can have a nice wedding that is still inexpensive. It usually involves more creativity on your part.

 

[norinrad21]

You are getting married already? WTF Sporsk

 

[SnakeXs]

Can I come?

I'll totally come if MarkMacD goes.

 

[YYZ]

Is there going to be an epic thread for the wedding?

You are getting married already? WTF Sporsk

I don't think he's that young.

 

[norinrad21]

Isn't he like 19 years of age?

 

[Blackace]

Isn't he like 19 years of age?

well he has a degree, wait! Sp0rsk is Doogie??


But really keep it as simple as you can.. you'll have the time of your life and you'll remember every moment, so no need to go nuts with it

 

[OnkelC]

But really keep it as simple as you can.. you'll have the time of your life and you'll remember every moment, so no need to go nuts with it

truth spoken here. The marriage is primarily for you two, not for the family. plan and do as you think. If a gigantic marriage is out of your budget, tell her straightforward.

 

[Jamesfrom818]

Set up a webcam by the bar for GAF

 

[RevenantKioku]

truth spoken here. The marriage is primarily for you two, not for the family. plan and do as you think. If a gigantic marriage is out of your budget, tell her straightforward.

Japan. :O
Seriously, it's not two people in this country.

 

[Blackace]

Japan. :O
Seriously, it's not two people in this country.

you can still have a simple wedding here. it will cost money, but you make money on weddings here that is why people have them.

but still my advice is keep it plain

 

[RevenantKioku]

you can still have a simple wedding here. it will cost money, but you make money on weddings here that is why people have them.

but still my advice is keep it plain

Oh, I know. (Well, in theory.) I'm just saying the whole family thing is more important here when it comes to weddings. As far as I know.
...

Spoiler

So lonely.

 

[bjork]

you can still have a simple wedding here. it will cost money, but you make money on weddings here that is why people have them.

but still my advice is keep it plain

I would go with this. Unless sporks' father-in-law could somehow take blackace in the octagon, but I highly doubt it.

 

[SnakeXs]

Set up a webcam by the bar for GAF

I'll fund it.

If MarkMacD goes.

 

[Tyrannical]

My philosophy is you don't spend money on a ring or wedding, you spend it on a house.

I got married at a small chapel accross the street from the main church by the paster. Just immeduate familiy there, maybe 25 people. Had the reception at my in law's with a few more people. Familiy self catered the food, got some grills going, and plenty of champagne and booze.

I know nothing about Japanese culture except I'm sure you are obligated to do something there with her family. But you are also obligated to do something in your home country, and my above suggestion is a cheap way to get out of that.

 

[Jamesfrom818]

Get married in Hawaii. Make everyone travel.

 

[bjork]

Get married in Hawaii. Make everyone travel.

I support this! Do it on Maui and invite me so I have a reason to go to the Chevron on Main Street in Wailuku. My favorite place...

 

[eudaemonic]

Especially when domineering mothers are involved and try to live vicariously through their daughter.

My finace's brother decided to tie the knot before we did and we were able to see first hand how crazy things could get with his mother. It was a nightmare to deal with emotionally and I wasn't even the person getting married.

I'll keep my pessimistic views out of here though. I wish you both the best on this adventure. Don't be afraid to ask for help!

 

[eudaemonic]

I support this! Do it on Maui and invite me so I have a reason to go to the Chevron on Main Street in Wailuku. My favorite place...

What do they sell?

 

[bjork]

What do they sell?

It's just a gas station with a mini-mart, same as anywhere else. But no other one captures that "feel" that it has for me.

 

[Weenerz]

Isn't the girl supposed to worry about cake makers, make-up artists and all that other crap? You just have to pay for it.

 

[seanoff]

uuummmm yeah, you're fucked.

once they're set on the full wedding there's nothing you can do.

prepare to give up at least one limb and possibly sell a kidney.

my wedding had 438 guests, i think it ended up costing $100/head + all the other stuff like limos, chinese tea ceremony, etc etc etc. I fucking hated it.

I wanted to elope to Las Vegas and just have it there but she and here family wanted the full banana.

 

[Brofist]

So, the lady and I have finally started talking seriously about weddings and marriage and all that. The problem is, our situation is rather difficult.

We live in Japan, her friends and family are here, mine are mostly in America. She, being the social butterfly she is, wants to invite a crap load of people, so obviously it makes sense to have the wedding in Japan.

While that in itself is a problem for me (because I know jack and shit about getting married in this crazy country) the main problem is that I know absolutely nothing about weddings period. All these things you have to think about like: glasses, tablecloths, music, make-up artists(!?), food, invitations, flowers, all this shit that I know pretty much zero about. What I want to know is what I should be looking for in a good deal. The impression I get from the wedding business here is that it's mostly a scam. And instead of getting taken and having to pay 40 thousand dollars for a wedding, I want to knock it down to at least half of that.

I know some of you guys are married, so please tell me your stories.

If you have a hotel wedding in Japan, the hotel will assign you a wedding planner that will help with everything. You don't have to be an expert, just know what you want to pick. Personally I had my wife pick the stuff like flowers, settings etc. Really the only thing I picked was my own tux of course, and gave the wife input on which wedding dress I liked.

As for price, we managed to keep it between 20 and 30k (at a very nice hotel), and I was quite lucky in that my in-laws paid for most of it. Her parents were willing to foot the bill to make sure we had the wedding in Japan, which I didn't mind at all anyway. Keep in mind her parents were able to negotiate the price which is accepted btw.

Japanese weddings are pretty activity packed. I had to give a few speeches (in Japanese no less) and was kept almost too busy to eat my own wedding dinner.

It was annoying trying to get people to come from the States, and some bailed last sec which was even more annoying.

The one good thing is because of the Japanese custom of giving money as a wedding present, you will receive quite the haul from your guests. It might cover a very good chunk of the wedding. My wife and I gave some of the money to her parents, which we felt was only fair for them paying in the first place.

 

[norinrad21]

Sp0rsk is fucked.

he could have gone to city hall with a few friends, sign the papers and have a decent meal at a nice restaurant, then spend the rest of his teacher's salary on a vacation or buy a house.

With the way things are going he may have to borrow money from the bank and probably spend years teaching to pay it off.

 

[Lyte Edge]

So same situation, I got married to a Japanese girl last summer. We actually haven't had the wedding ceremony yet, as the problems of when and where made things difficult. In the end, we've decided to have a small ceremony in Hawaii; it's a sort of halfway point between Japan and the States, costs less than it would to have the ceremony here in Japan (or more specifically, at a Wakura Onsen hotel in Ishikawa Prefecture), and more people from both families can attend.

Also there is no way in hell we can afford to pay for the ceremony. My wife was a bit crazy with the whole "no, the parents aren't paying for things...WE ARE" thing too, but I have convinced her otherwise. At one point she thought we were going to use ALL the money we've saved up on the wedding, and that there was no problem being broke afterwards. Yeah...no.

The reason it's taking so long? I left the decision of when to do it up to her...and it's taken her months to just pick a date. My side of the family (myself included) actually gave up on anything happening for quite a while. I don't mind waiting though. I see no reason to rush into a ceremony, especially since I'm already married. My wife now sees it as kind of a pain in the ass, to be honest.

Another thing to think about is to have two ceremonies...keeping it small. Something for her family and friends in Japan, and then a small party or another ceremony back in the States. My parents want both of us to come back to the States for a small family get-together before the summer for this reason.

 

[Revengeance]

I have no idea what weddings in Japan are like, but my brother's wedding was done on the cheap, and was probably the best wedding I've ever been to. They used a friend's barn for the reception, with the service right outside (rural Mass; great mountain views). Nearly all of the food was homemade/homegrown, and their biggest expenses were the main course (outsourced the meat prep), alcohol (wine and good beer), and setting's rental. A friend brought a good speaker system, and played mixes off of iPods outside for dancing. They skipped all of the crazy wedding expenses.

The inside of the barn was completely lit by candles and strung lights, and all the centerpieces came from the bride's family's flower growing business.

I'm sure it took a ton of man-hours, but the end result was magical.

So, the point is, weddings can be cheap and awesome at the same time, but it might take more work.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

he could have gone to city hall with a few friends, sign the papers and have a decent meal at a nice restaurant, then spend the rest of his teacher's salary on a vacation or buy a house.

dutch people have such a romantic view of marriage. :lol

One of my ex-pat mates had a couple of colleagues that nipped off and got married on their lunch break. then back to work. LIVING THE DREAM

 

[Lyte Edge]

dutch people have such a romantic view of marriage. :lol

One of my ex-pat mates had a couple of colleagues that nipped off and got married on their lunch break. then back to work. LIVING THE DREAM

That's kinda what my friend did. They came to Japan, got married...went to work and all that, and instead of having anything or even getting rings, they used the cash to go around Asia instead.

Actually...it's been almost nine months now, and we still haven't bought rings for each other yet, either. But it's all because of her, I swear! :lol She doesn't procrastinate about anything except wedding stuff.

 

[Yasser]

i have no advice but gratz!

Set up a webcam by the bar for GAF

it can be a 1up show special!

 

[LowParry]

My wedding and one of my friends wedding went as followed:

Just show up.

Sidenote: If you want friends/family there, make sure they know about it. Although usually the bride has that already covered.




As far as weddings go in other countries, I'm a lost puppy. Pre-grats though. You're in for one hella of a ride. And I mean that in a good way.