JackFrost2012
Banned
The following information is for amusement purposes only and is in no way true.
GAF has a ban on posting April Fools' Day jokes. But what about companies who just like to have fun and be silly one day a year? Nobody's trying to fool anybody, here. We're just trying to be awesome, in the true, forgotten spirit of the day.
As promised/threatened, I am posting this in its own thread as the official AFD joke thread is not up yet. I will also mirror the files locally as Irem's site is being hammered.
EDIT: Thanks to duckroll for putting together this mirror. If IREM's site is too slow, give it a try. duckroll says, "if Jack gets the banstick, I'm going down with him!" What a guy!
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Irem is making their own console, the EXIDNA!
It's April 1st, and Irem's traditional humorous and in no way deceitful yearly story is up. This year, everyone's favorite plucky Japanese developer has decided to enter the challenging but exciting world of hardware development!
Irem has identified four key market segments, and designed four versions of their console to match:
First, the XAVY, for hardcore gamers.
The 22 mm thin XAVY has a built in high-resolution, high-contrast projector to satisfy hardcore gamers. The slim, wireless controller has built in voice recognition and unfolds with four easy-to-push wheels. Price is 19,800 yen.
Next, the O-MARU, for casual gamers.
Designed to appeal to casual gamers, this riding swan doubles as a powerful gaming console. With a built in LCD screen, a mouthful of USE expansion ports, and a handy storage bin in the butt, this is the console for the whole family. Price is 17,850 yen.
The oft untapped female market is served by the COMPACT.
This stylish number uses an eyeshadow applicator in place of the traditional stylus. The size is kept small thanks to innovative "outside loading," where the media is not actually inside the compact but perhaps on a nearby table. Price is 12,800 yen.
Finally, elderly gamers can look forward to gaming on the STICK.
With a fold-out 7-inch widescreen LCD, easy-grip handle, and full-body support, this system is perfect for the silver-haired gamer. It even doubles as an umbrella on rainy days! Price is 24,500 yen.
The specs of the EXIDNA are quite impressive:
CPU: Custom Designed "METAL ERNGY" Processor 886 PHz
Graphic Chip: GEO KUN FORCE MX 8503/128PB
Main Memory: 476 TB
Drive: Optical 0.98x speed DVD-ROM
Network: Bluestool compatible
Memory Media: Memo Stick Duo compatible (DRM enabled)
These specs compare favorably with "expected next generation offerings" from mystery companies S, M, and N.
A variety of innovative peripherals include various colored buttons, a comfy cushion, a triple-wide Bydo monitor, a sake decanter controller, a time machine controller, and a pair of not-so-powerful gardening gloves.
Oh, and a body pillow controller.
Soft, cute, and machine-washable! In case, you know.
A hardware launch is nothing without games, and IREM has some hot titles lined up.
- A comedy game involving Bambi and trucks. Genre: Italian Upper-Kyoto Laughing Action. Supports the comfy cushion.
- Zettai Zetsumei Yokochou (Disaster Alley). Genre: "Intoxicated Survival Action." Supports the sake controller.
(NOTE: I will translate this tomorrow, it is a game where you have to guide a drunken salaryman safely through the seediest hostess bars Tokyo has to offer.)
- R-Type Final 2. Genre: Action Shooting RPG. Supports the Bydo monitor, of course.
- Super Epic Innovative RPG (tentative title). Genre: TBD.
- Space-Time Firefighters Sakurazaka. Genre: Historical Teamwork Action.
- Hare Dokidoki Suikoden. A dating game with 108 girls! 4,800 yen, but the Limited Edition is $480,000. Why not read the creator's blog?
- Aya Tori (Cat's Cradle). Genre: Cat's Cradle Puzzle Action. 7800 yen, but the string-only version is a 5-yen bargain. Supports "Aya Tori."
Each of the games has its own page with gameplay details, screenshots, etc.
With such a killer hardware/software combination, it's no surprise third parties are lining up to show their support. Patisserie Chez Bydo, Sakurazaka Corporation, Spelunker Ramen, FORIS Haircutters. A veritable who's who of soon-to-be-famous developers, I'm sure you'll agree.
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Well, there you have it. The amount of content in this update is absolutely staggering, even by IREM's traditionaly insane standards for the holiday. If this thread is left open, I'll spend some of my freetime tomorrow translating details about the different game software (or whatever else people are interested in - let me know!). If it's locked and I'm banned, well, at least I went out telling you about the single goddamn best update in the history of the holiday.
But seriously, people. This isn't a "joke." This is art.
GAF has a ban on posting April Fools' Day jokes. But what about companies who just like to have fun and be silly one day a year? Nobody's trying to fool anybody, here. We're just trying to be awesome, in the true, forgotten spirit of the day.
As promised/threatened, I am posting this in its own thread as the official AFD joke thread is not up yet. I will also mirror the files locally as Irem's site is being hammered.
EDIT: Thanks to duckroll for putting together this mirror. If IREM's site is too slow, give it a try. duckroll says, "if Jack gets the banstick, I'm going down with him!" What a guy!
---------
Irem is making their own console, the EXIDNA!
It's April 1st, and Irem's traditional humorous and in no way deceitful yearly story is up. This year, everyone's favorite plucky Japanese developer has decided to enter the challenging but exciting world of hardware development!
Irem has identified four key market segments, and designed four versions of their console to match:
First, the XAVY, for hardcore gamers.
The 22 mm thin XAVY has a built in high-resolution, high-contrast projector to satisfy hardcore gamers. The slim, wireless controller has built in voice recognition and unfolds with four easy-to-push wheels. Price is 19,800 yen.
Next, the O-MARU, for casual gamers.
Designed to appeal to casual gamers, this riding swan doubles as a powerful gaming console. With a built in LCD screen, a mouthful of USE expansion ports, and a handy storage bin in the butt, this is the console for the whole family. Price is 17,850 yen.
The oft untapped female market is served by the COMPACT.
This stylish number uses an eyeshadow applicator in place of the traditional stylus. The size is kept small thanks to innovative "outside loading," where the media is not actually inside the compact but perhaps on a nearby table. Price is 12,800 yen.
Finally, elderly gamers can look forward to gaming on the STICK.
With a fold-out 7-inch widescreen LCD, easy-grip handle, and full-body support, this system is perfect for the silver-haired gamer. It even doubles as an umbrella on rainy days! Price is 24,500 yen.
The specs of the EXIDNA are quite impressive:
CPU: Custom Designed "METAL ERNGY" Processor 886 PHz
Graphic Chip: GEO KUN FORCE MX 8503/128PB
Main Memory: 476 TB
Drive: Optical 0.98x speed DVD-ROM
Network: Bluestool compatible
Memory Media: Memo Stick Duo compatible (DRM enabled)
These specs compare favorably with "expected next generation offerings" from mystery companies S, M, and N.
A variety of innovative peripherals include various colored buttons, a comfy cushion, a triple-wide Bydo monitor, a sake decanter controller, a time machine controller, and a pair of not-so-powerful gardening gloves.
Oh, and a body pillow controller.
Soft, cute, and machine-washable! In case, you know.
A hardware launch is nothing without games, and IREM has some hot titles lined up.
- A comedy game involving Bambi and trucks. Genre: Italian Upper-Kyoto Laughing Action. Supports the comfy cushion.
- Zettai Zetsumei Yokochou (Disaster Alley). Genre: "Intoxicated Survival Action." Supports the sake controller.
(NOTE: I will translate this tomorrow, it is a game where you have to guide a drunken salaryman safely through the seediest hostess bars Tokyo has to offer.)
- R-Type Final 2. Genre: Action Shooting RPG. Supports the Bydo monitor, of course.
- Super Epic Innovative RPG (tentative title). Genre: TBD.
- Space-Time Firefighters Sakurazaka. Genre: Historical Teamwork Action.
- Hare Dokidoki Suikoden. A dating game with 108 girls! 4,800 yen, but the Limited Edition is $480,000. Why not read the creator's blog?
- Aya Tori (Cat's Cradle). Genre: Cat's Cradle Puzzle Action. 7800 yen, but the string-only version is a 5-yen bargain. Supports "Aya Tori."
Each of the games has its own page with gameplay details, screenshots, etc.
With such a killer hardware/software combination, it's no surprise third parties are lining up to show their support. Patisserie Chez Bydo, Sakurazaka Corporation, Spelunker Ramen, FORIS Haircutters. A veritable who's who of soon-to-be-famous developers, I'm sure you'll agree.
---------
Well, there you have it. The amount of content in this update is absolutely staggering, even by IREM's traditionaly insane standards for the holiday. If this thread is left open, I'll spend some of my freetime tomorrow translating details about the different game software (or whatever else people are interested in - let me know!). If it's locked and I'm banned, well, at least I went out telling you about the single goddamn best update in the history of the holiday.
But seriously, people. This isn't a "joke." This is art.