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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #103 - "Politics"

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Aaron

Member
Theme - "Politics"

I've been watching 'The Thick of It' lately, so politics are on the brain. Also Romney LOL.

Word Limit: ~2000

Submission Deadline: Friday, August 10th, 2012 by 11:59 PM Pacific.

Voting begins Saturday, August 11th 2012, and goes until Monday, August 13th 2012 at 11:59 PM Pacific.

Optional Secondary Objective: Do it in one take

Story doesn't have to be all on one location with a single set of characters, but you need to weave your transitions in to carry the reader from place to place. If you want a visual example of this, I suggest the scene after the exploding guy in Meaning of Life.

Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes
 
Congratulations, Aaron!

I immediately thought of the following:
Aliens

Also, that 2000 word limit is a good idea so we can get things wrapped up sooner.
 
Oh, the deadline is next friday?
I kinda wanted to write one short story every week so I guess I'll write a second one for next week - then pick one of them as my actual entry :p
 

Cyan

Banned
Oh, the deadline is next friday?
I kinda wanted to write one short story every week so I guess I'll write a second one for next week - then pick one of them as my actual entry :p

You win 10 awesome points.

I've been thinking I might start treating every Friday as a deadline, so that I can get my story written well in advance, let it sit for a bit, and then edit the hell out of it.

I was reading a few months back about a study that showed that people are prone to self-handicapping in cases where they are uncertain of their own ability. That is, if they aren't sure they can do a task, they will intentionally make things harder on themselves, so that they have an excuse if they perform poorly at it (the study involved two placebo pills that the subjects were told would improve their performance or decrease it, respectively--the result was that people who weren't sure of their ability were much more likely to take the performance-decreasing pill). I think I'm doing something like that with my waiting to the last minute to write my stories. So I'm going to try changing things up so I can't use lack of time for an excuse.
 
You win 10 awesome points.

I've been thinking I might start treating every Friday as a deadline, so that I can get my story written well in advance, let it sit for a bit, and then edit the hell out of it.

I was reading a few months back about a study that showed that people are prone to self-handicapping in cases where they are uncertain of their own ability. That is, if they aren't sure they can do a task, they will intentionally make things harder on themselves, so that they have an excuse if they perform poorly at it (the study involved two placebo pills that the subjects were told would improve their performance or decrease it, respectively--the result was that people who weren't sure of their ability were much more likely to take the performance-decreasing pill). I think I'm doing something like that with my waiting to the last minute to write my stories. So I'm going to try changing things up so I can't use lack of time for an excuse.

That sounds pretty spot on, I know I pushed up the deadline for my story until the very last day, without taking into account the time you'd need for editing of the story.

Right now I am considering writing multiple short-short stories taking place in the same "universe" to combat writing fatigue among other things and then attempt to piece them together into a much meatier story.
 

Bombadil

Banned
I want to participate in this, but it wouldn't work out. It wouldn't be a story, it would be a character monologue rant.
 
My way of fulfilling the secondary objective was to simply write the story in one go :p
I'm going to try my hand at some fluid transitions in the second story for this challenge.
 

kehs

Banned
I was meaning to write a story tonight. I like to just have on sit down and edit for a story and publish.

That didn't happen, I got wrapped up with Hurt Locker. =/
 

Cyan

Banned
Huh, read up on the MRU's just now, seems like something that could be useful to keep in mind when writing.
Yes, they're very useful! We had them as a secondary objective a few challenges ago. I've found the best use for them is in editing--it's easy to screw up your writing flow if you're thinking about that stuff while writing.

Good story, I like the narrator/first-person perspective but it ends up a jumbled mess when I try to use it.
Thanks! I'm a big fan of tight 3rd person perspective. Where it's almost like 1st person in how close the narration is to the MC; we get their thoughts and perspectives on everything, but it's still 3rd which lets you pull back a bit when you want to.

I know some people don't like Orson Scott Card much, but I found his book Characters & Viewpoints enormously helpful in this regard. I reread it recently and it's still great stuff.
 
Yes, they're very useful! We had them as a secondary objective a few challenges ago. I've found the best use for them is in editing--it's easy to screw up your writing flow if you're thinking about that stuff while writing.


Thanks! I'm a big fan of tight 3rd person perspective. Where it's almost like 1st person in how close the narration is to the MC; we get their thoughts and perspectives on everything, but it's still 3rd which lets you pull back a bit when you want to.

I know some people don't like Orson Scott Card much, but I found his book Characters & Viewpoints enormously helpful in this regard. I reread it recently and it's still great stuff.

I really need start reading his stuff, I've put it off for so long now it's kinda embarrassing.

Time to start on the second essay I guess, how's everyone doing?
 

Aaron

Member
I've been preparing for a long weekend vacation and haven't gotten any good ideas. I even read the whole Poligaf thread, but Mitt Romney is too unrealistic for fiction.
 
I'm about half way there on my second short story.

Someone totally should write a Mitt Romney story, maybe with him being a green alien or robot in disguise?
 

Cyan

Banned
I've been preparing for a long weekend vacation and haven't gotten any good ideas. I even read the whole Poligaf thread, but Mitt Romney is too unrealistic for fiction.

I can't write about real politics, I'll just get angry and ruin my day. :/

Ugh, I wrote about a thousand words before I closed the word document.
I thought I had saved it, but I think I must have somehow quit without saving.

Any way to retrieve what I had written?

Ooh, ouch. I dunno, there might be a temp cached version?
 
I can't write about real politics, I'll just get angry and ruin my day. :/



Ooh, ouch. I dunno, there might be a temp cached version?

Yeah, I managed to retrieve so all is good.
I just had a real panic moment when I thought I had just deleted everything I had written.
 
Oddly enough, I came up with a concept for a story regarding Mitt Romney about a month ago.

Then this challenge comes along and I don't want to write it at all.

Brains are fun.
 

Sober

Member
It feels weird for me to pretty much be done before Friday proper. Gonna spend some extra time editing it now, I guess.
 

Ward

Member
So, I may not get around to writing about my socialist puppet repo man.

Will we find out whether he works at Greater Good Towing or Common People Motors?

Does he overthrow the regime?



And I had such mid-level hopes for this one too!


Tomato, Blood, Stoplight, Strawberries, Crayons, Fire, Mars, Lobsters: aka Seeing Red through the Sickle


words: >0

Excerpt from the Biography of Arnold Durant:

Arnold managed to get a job as a repo man in 1985. He would....
....
....
....

Prologue:
Using the guerrilla tactics he perfected while repossessing cars, Arnold eventually led a resistance cell. Unfortunately he never lived to see Newmerica take the mid-west. Arnold's memory lives on, as border tensions remain taut even today.
 
Bedtime Story 938 words

“Miss B, can you tell me a story?”

The voice was barely a whisper, yet in the silent dormitory it felt like a roar.

Miss B paused at the threshold and turned. She recognized the voice immediately: Nathan. Quietly closing the open door, she walked softly to his bed.

“Aren’t you a little old for bedtime stories?” she asked, a small smile on her lips. In the near darkness, Miss B couldn’t make out Nathan’s face, unable to determine his expression. She sat at the edge of his bed and slowly reached a hand out until she found the boy’s hand under his blanket. She grasped it.

“Is something the matter?” she asked.

Nathan shook his head, then realized that Miss B likely couldn’t see him. “No, Miss B. I just like the sound of your voice. It’s comforting.”

The young woman was glad for the near-darkness as she unconsciously blushed at the compliment. “Well, okay, just a short one,” she whispered, her brain fumbling for ideas.

“Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess-”

“No, Miss B,” whispered Nathan. “Not a fairy tale. How about something more... grown-up?”

Miss B cocked her head in surprise. “Oh... well...” she stammered, “uh... okay... there once lived a kind and benevolent king. He ruled over a vast empire-”

Nathan squeezed her hand in protest, but Miss B continued. “Hush, just listen. This king was loved by his subjects and everyone was happy. He reigned for many years and the empire prospered.

“However, the king was not immortal and began to grow old. Worse, his wife passed away childless and he refused to remarry. Without an heir, the king knew that upon his death there would be much infighting for his throne. While he could name a successor (and there were many worthy candidates), the lack of royal bloodline would not legitimize their claim to the throne. Ruling by committee would only lead to inaction and power struggles.

“He decided to appoint a stranger to the throne. But not just any stranger. He would ask his citizens to send forth their young children to attend an academy, under the guise of private instruction. There, they would be instructed in politics, science, economics, martial arts, and anything else to train the perfect ruler. A young child growing up away from the influence and politics of the royal court would hopefully be untainted and empathetic enough to rule as the old king did.

“Calling on his most trusted advisors, the king started up his academy at a secret location. The children’s parents were told that it was an exclusive learning institution and not to expect contact with their offspring for many years. Every child was encouraged to form bonds with each other with minimal supervision. The children themselves had no idea what they were there for; they were told it was a school and to do well would ensure future success upon graduation.”

“What happened to those who failed?” whispered Nathan.

“Well, they were removed from the academy, and none of the students ever saw them again.”

“You didn’t answer the question," the boy insisted. "They couldn’t go home since it was a secret academy, and they can’t exactly be out in public lest they reveal the secrets.”

“You’re right. No one really knows. Perhaps they were exiled to the remote corners of the empire, or even... killed.” Nathan’s hand gripped Miss B’s at the mention of “killed”, but the boy remained silent. After a brief pause to ensure that Nathan would be okay, she continued with her story.

“After a few years, a hierarchy emerged. The strongest and smartest children began grouping up together to pick on the weaker ones. Some of the bullied tried to band together as well, but their efforts were continually thwarted by the others.

One of them, named Ryan, was the biggest student in the academy. A son of a wealthy family, he had a privileged upbringing and it showed in his high marks, especially in combat training. He committed many offences against his fellow students and even the odd teacher, yet he was never disciplined by the staff. The other students eventually realized that they would have to take matters into their own hands, and that a person like Ryan should never be allowed to obtain a position of power upon graduation, lest he continue his bullying ways in the outside world.

So they set a trap. Ryan and his henchpeople were smart enough to disrupt the plans as much as possible, but the rebels would not be deterred. When they executed their plan, Ryan’s entire gang was overwhelmed. The staff intervened before things got totally out of hand, but Ryan disappeared the next day. His leaderless gang continued on but none would ever factor into a royal candidate again, having lost the trust and respect of their peers.”

Nathan’s grip slackened, and Miss B gently extracted his hand from hers. As she slowly got up, Nathan murmured “so the lesson is to be nice?”

The young woman started. “Well, yes,” she replied. “A leader earns the respect of his peers. He doesn’t demand it. No one likes a bully or a braggart, even if they are physically or mentally strong. A loner never wins either.”

“How does your story end? Who becomes king?” whispered Nathan drowsily.

Miss B smiled, though she knew the boy couldn’t see it. “That’s for another time, Nathan. Good night.” Nathan was too tired to argue and drifted off to sleep.

She waited five minutes to ensure that the boy was asleep, then whispered “I hope it’s you.”
 

DumbNameD

Member
THE is a Three-Letter Word (10,000 words)

And there upon the gates of the holiest of houses,
Two men stood, scared and naked, as if born this day.
Two men stood, bared and stripped of clinging earth.
The sky glowed like translucent feathers,
And the light touched like a hand upon their shoulders.
Their lungs felt like brandy.
Their hearts unfurled like pageant flags.
Their eyes saw more clearly than ever.
And here upon the gaze of the holiest of houses,
They held their last breaths within mouths unneeded.
Before them, the luster of gauzy rainbow broke,
And questions came upon the two.
And answers came from the two.

How pious a life they lived,
How they gave to charity,
How they helped feed the hungry,
How they helped clothe the poor,
How they said kind words,
How they gave to church,
How they held God above all others,
How they honored their mothers and fathers,
How they held life close to their hearts,
How they kept the sabbath,
And all their lies were laid bare,
And all their truths were set like a meal.
What they wanted.
What they did.
What they didn't.
How they held
What they had.
What they ate.
What they didn't.
And so on, and so forth.

And there upon the doorstep of the holiest of houses,
Two men stood, and two more questions asked.
To one, "How could you remain by your child?"
The reply was simply, "Because I loved my girl."
And to the other, "How could you forsake your child?"
The reply was simply, "Because he was a fag."
And those were the answers given,
There before the holiest of houses.
And whatever was weighed was judged,
And whatever was judged was weighed.
And so on, and so forth.
 

Puddles

Banned
Man, I thought I had until next week to finish and was actually brainstorming today.

Fucking hell. I'll get in on #104 I guess.
 
Man, I thought I had until next week to finish and was actually brainstorming today.

Fucking hell. I'll get in on #104 I guess.

At least now you have a lot of time on you to get your story done.
I would try to write 2-3 drafts of 500 words, and then pick one to complete and submit.
 
Um, did I miss a science fiction prompt for this contest, or is this just what happens whenever Cyan decides not to write a sci-fi story?
 
Aaron - "Tell it Like it Is": I think the breakneck pace can work for this story, but I felt it needed to start out on solid feet before running. I can see the juxtaposition with something like Schwarzenegger’s running, but I think the story can do more to dive into the situation. It’s nice to see the perspective of a footballing Schwarzenegger, but I think the most interesting facet is how the protagonist “debates” and how that was able to win people over. Unfortunately that section feels like it’s over before it’s begun. The conclusion/falling action was too abrupt as well, which gives the impression that the story wasn’t interesting or important enough to craft in the first place. Who’s the protagonist telling the story to, and why? It’s a retrospective piece, so why is he telling it now? Things to mull over during revision.

SquiddyBiscuit - "Diplomacy": The character introductions are way too convoluted, especially considering it’s only two people. Here they are for review:

“Senator,” the man behind the desk said... A tall, nervous man approached… “Thank you for having me, Governor...” “Please, call me Kayve,” the governor said.... The man opposite him sat... The senator, David Bennet, was an intellectual…
Now add in the fact that there are a bunch of other sentences separating these, and I was lost way too early. I actually just felt lost for the majority of the story. It’s difficult to make space politics interesting (and coherent) in a story that spans two pages, and I had no idea what was going on with the clones or virtual representations at the end. I actually can’t find where the 4th one leaves (or is killed?) and the 5th one enters. This needs some work.

Lone_Prodigy - "Bedtime Story": This seems like a setup to a bigger story. The twist at the end, if it’s meant to be one, is not surprising nor enlightening… it could carry some heft, but the main conflict in this story is that a young child wants to be read a bedtime story. The conflict within the bedtime story has higher stakes, but since it’s all glazed over in past exposition, it doesn’t really impact the characters. I’d suggest reexamining the story by removing the last sentence, and treating the rest of it as the first or second scene in a larger story (or hell, even novel).
 
DumbNameD - "THE is a Three-Letter Word": Sorry, I’m terrible at analyzing lyrics/poetry. However, I really enjoyed the ambiguity at the end. I know how tempting it must have been to write some finality on who got in and who didn’t.

Sober - "Proscription": The introduction’s a bit clunky; give the read clear, concrete details. What sign is the protagonist reading? ‘But he remained silent’… not the right time to use a pronoun. ‘In our childhood though’… why is ‘though’ there? ‘There I was with prisoner in hand’… this seems like it should come at the start, etc.

As for the rest of the story, there’s some impressive detail in the world (universe?) building here, yet I felt there wasn’t nearly enough time spent on any of the relationships. I didn’t care what happened to Alexander, or the protagonist’s parents, or that girl that was mentioned… all of these relationships are glazed over in empty dialogue so quickly… since the crux of the story seems to be the protagonist’s transformation from open-minded human with a friend -> close-minded ‘martian’ who decides to assassinate that friend, then the story really has to succeed in establishing strength in the relationship between Alexander and the protagonist. We need much, much more than “from that day on we were attached at the hip.” Without that, it feels more like we’re reading an encyclopedia than a work of literature. So I’m not saying do away with the world building stuff (since it does give the piece a credible level of authenticity), but I’d suggest working really hard at crafting some actual scenes of strong interaction between Alexander and the protagonist.

Tangent - "At the Dinner Table": Dialogue tags: keep them short. They’re overtly noticeable right off the bat. Next, who’s the narrator? Why do they refer to the kids as Edward and Dana, but the parents as Mr. and Mrs. Chang? In terms of structure, there’s far too much dialogue right off the bat. We need some exposition or description or something to establish where we are and who these characters are. I assumed Edward was in high school throughout the whole story because of this.

But the biggest issue I had with the story is that I've already seen it a few times, and unfortunately it didn’t seem to offer anything new. There’s definitely conflict in your story, but nothing comes of it in any way, aside from a little kid playfully boasting that he’ll make changes in his elementary school’s cafeteria if he gets elected kindergarten president or something. It’s really some of the lowest stakes imaginable. I’d like to see what others who haven’t seen that Futurama episode have to say about your piece, as perhaps the freshness will connect with them.


Cyan - "A Day in the Life of the Domesticated Jungle Cat" : As a screenwriter, this quasi-screenplay/fiction template hurt my brain. I understand that you’ve got to cater to a broad audience, and I was actually able to get a feel for it after a few pages, but it was a tough barrier to break from my perspective. As for the story, I enjoyed the pace – very nice movement throughout. I was a little confused with some details; why was Mari making this video for her replacement in the first place? Why did the Dragon Lady want to expedite the coffee bill when it was Danielle who was seemingly addicted to the stuff? Aside from that, the accomplishment felt a little empty… like if it weren’t for that huge piece of luck at the end, Mari wouldn’t have eventually solved it. Unearned, I guess. I liked the dynamic of the piece as a whole, and I’m interested to see how any non-screenwriters took it in.
 
Votes

1. Cyan - "A Day in the Life of the Domesticated Jungle Cat"
2. Aaron - "Tell it Like it Is"
3. Sober - "Proscription"

hm: DumbNameD - "THE is a Three-Letter Word", Lone_Prodigy - "Bedtime Story"
 
Oh, voting time.
I'm a bit short on time so no reviews this one:

1. Lone_Prodigy - Bedtime Story
2. Tangent - At the Dinner Table
3. Mike Works - Fishing for Seagulls

EDIT: Thanks for the criticism, I find it tremendously useful.
 

Cyan

Banned
Aaron - "Tell it Like it Is" - Love the concept. This dude couldn't be much worse than a lot of current politicians, certainly in the US. I think the one-take thing kind of worked against you here. The piece might've felt more cohesive and grounded with cleaner divides between parts; the quick transitions made it feel a bit rushed to me. Loved the last two paragraphs; perfect way to end it.

SquiddyBiscuit - "Diplomacy" - I like the idea here, of showing the inherent falseness and repition of politics. I had a bit of trouble figuring out the story, though. First, I didn't find it immediately obvious who the main character was--this is key; I want somebody to root for! We get introduced to both characters as strangers ("the man behind the desk" and "his guest") and don't find out for several paragraphs that we're in Kayve's POV. Second, I didn't find the plot immediately obvious. I want to know what the conflict is, what the MC is trying to accomplish. Otherwise there's nothing to pull me through the story. It'd be great if the conflict were introduced right away. Finally, I didn't realize it was scifi until Mars was mentioned several paragraphs in, by which times it was already solidified in my brain as a story set in the contemporary US. I'd like to see that set up earlier. In summary: I'd love to see the MC, the conflict, and the setting established in the first paragraph. I think that would've gone a long way to helping me really get the story.

Lone_Prodigy - "Bedtime Story" - Nicely set up. I can't help wondering what Miss B's goal is in telling the kid this story. Does she hope he figures it out? Does she want to silently give him a lesson in what he'd need to do to be the winner? Or is she just unimaginative and unable to come up with a story quickly, so she goes with real life? I also wonder if the stakes couldn't be raised a little in the story; other kids waking up, other teachers on patrol who wouldn't want her telling the kid this, maybe some fear at telling him something she's not supposed to. I dunno, maybe that's not right for this story. But as is, it feels too relaxed and too easy to have much weight.

DumbNameD - "THE is a Three-Letter Word" - Not much of an expert at critiquing poetry. I absolutely loved the imagery at the beginning, in particular the brandy and pageant flags. It felt really odd, though, in juxtaposition with the down and dirty subject of politics. The "fag" toward the end jars really damn hard, after the elevated language and beautiful rhythm. I'm assuming that's intentional, but it almost feels like too much. Too hard. Too on the nose.
 
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