Alright, where to begin...
Back in September 2012 I discovered the then-new game Hatsune Miku: Project Diva f for the Vita. I was already somewhat into rhythm games, and after trying out the demo I instantly fell in love with the game, and imported it on the very next day. Since then I've also got the PS3 version, and then imported the sequel on both platforms the following year, and then quadruple-dipped the game when it got localized, without hesitation. I even became a Hatsune Miku fan in the process, now owning several related merchandise and stuff. Hell, even my current avatar is proof of it.
I always played the game very casually, never pushing myself and never caring about scores. I didn't want to frustrate myself, so I only very rarely played the highest difficulty, and I never took the time to train myself on how to play on a high level. I participated in threads where people were posting their crazy achievements and it didn't affect me at all. I simply didn't care! I was having fun, and that's all that matters, doesn't it?
And then this past January, something happened. I'm not going to go into any detail about exactly what it is, because I don't want to blame anyone but myself for my problem. Anyway, all that matters is that it changed my mindset, in a dramatic way.
I suddenly became self-conscious about my skill level.
It drove me into a nervous breakdown. After more than two years of not caring about skill, I suddenly realized how little progress I had made after all this time. I felt like total, utter shit. I'm already struggling with self-esteem issues on a regular basis, and this sudden realization just crushed me from the inside.
So after picking myself up, I told myself "let's git gud, then", rolled up my sleeves, and started working on it.
Did I make any progress? Yes, I did. But it's never enough. I feel like I have two years of work to catch up on, which is completely unrealistic and pushes me to frustration and exhaustion, but I can't stop obsessing about it.
Over the past three months, playing the game has been nothing but an unpleasant chore to me. I've screamed and cursed at the screen countless times, like an angry 12 year old playing Call of Duty. I even went as far as throwing my PS3 controller a few times, which is something that had previously never happened to me as an adult. (My controller somehow still works fine, BTW. Good job Sony.)
I know I should stop playing the game. But I can't. I just can't give up, because then I would only consider myself a loser who has given up, and further destroy my self-confidence. Yeah, I know, it's just a stupid video game so why should it matter so much? But it does. I'm just too emotionally invested so far. I tried taking breaks multiple times, but I always break down after a few days and start playing again, because I can't stop thinking about it.
This past weekend I gave myself the goal of clearing this particularly difficult song that I had yet to beat. I obsessively played the game for almost the entire weekend, discarding everything else. But in the end I didn't even succeed. I came close a bunch of times but never quite reached the passing score, which was soul crushing. This morning I just called sick, because I feel so messed up about it that I can't go to work today.
I should probably seek psychiatric help. But I feel extremely embarrassed talking about it. I haven't mentioned it to any family member yet because I fear that they would not understand. I briefly talked about it to some of my friends but I didn't want to annoy them with it so I didn't push too much. They told me to stop worrying about it, which is of course what I should do, but I wouldn't be going through all this if I could.
I don't really know what to do now.
Back in September 2012 I discovered the then-new game Hatsune Miku: Project Diva f for the Vita. I was already somewhat into rhythm games, and after trying out the demo I instantly fell in love with the game, and imported it on the very next day. Since then I've also got the PS3 version, and then imported the sequel on both platforms the following year, and then quadruple-dipped the game when it got localized, without hesitation. I even became a Hatsune Miku fan in the process, now owning several related merchandise and stuff. Hell, even my current avatar is proof of it.
I always played the game very casually, never pushing myself and never caring about scores. I didn't want to frustrate myself, so I only very rarely played the highest difficulty, and I never took the time to train myself on how to play on a high level. I participated in threads where people were posting their crazy achievements and it didn't affect me at all. I simply didn't care! I was having fun, and that's all that matters, doesn't it?
And then this past January, something happened. I'm not going to go into any detail about exactly what it is, because I don't want to blame anyone but myself for my problem. Anyway, all that matters is that it changed my mindset, in a dramatic way.
I suddenly became self-conscious about my skill level.
It drove me into a nervous breakdown. After more than two years of not caring about skill, I suddenly realized how little progress I had made after all this time. I felt like total, utter shit. I'm already struggling with self-esteem issues on a regular basis, and this sudden realization just crushed me from the inside.
So after picking myself up, I told myself "let's git gud, then", rolled up my sleeves, and started working on it.
Did I make any progress? Yes, I did. But it's never enough. I feel like I have two years of work to catch up on, which is completely unrealistic and pushes me to frustration and exhaustion, but I can't stop obsessing about it.
Over the past three months, playing the game has been nothing but an unpleasant chore to me. I've screamed and cursed at the screen countless times, like an angry 12 year old playing Call of Duty. I even went as far as throwing my PS3 controller a few times, which is something that had previously never happened to me as an adult. (My controller somehow still works fine, BTW. Good job Sony.)
I know I should stop playing the game. But I can't. I just can't give up, because then I would only consider myself a loser who has given up, and further destroy my self-confidence. Yeah, I know, it's just a stupid video game so why should it matter so much? But it does. I'm just too emotionally invested so far. I tried taking breaks multiple times, but I always break down after a few days and start playing again, because I can't stop thinking about it.
This past weekend I gave myself the goal of clearing this particularly difficult song that I had yet to beat. I obsessively played the game for almost the entire weekend, discarding everything else. But in the end I didn't even succeed. I came close a bunch of times but never quite reached the passing score, which was soul crushing. This morning I just called sick, because I feel so messed up about it that I can't go to work today.
I should probably seek psychiatric help. But I feel extremely embarrassed talking about it. I haven't mentioned it to any family member yet because I fear that they would not understand. I briefly talked about it to some of my friends but I didn't want to annoy them with it so I didn't push too much. They told me to stop worrying about it, which is of course what I should do, but I wouldn't be going through all this if I could.
I don't really know what to do now.
