Prologue
Sovereigns plan has been foiled and all now recognize the apocalyptic threat facing the galaxy; but the Reapers still lurk in dark space, their unfathomable campaign of genocide delayed but undeterred. Shepard, savior of the Citadel and the Councils finest agent, with the help of his loyal friends, must now find a way to stop them before...
[Bioware]: ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL
[Harbinger]: zOMG SPACE BUGS!!1 LOL
*KABOOM*
Chapter 1: Project Lazarus Facility
[Mirandas voice]: Wake up, Shepard! Killer robots are attacking this secure facility for no apparent reason. Please proceed immediately to the tutorial.
[Zombie Shepard]: Braaaiiiinss!
[Mirandas voice]: Oh god, what have we done!
[Shepard]: Just kidding.
[Mirandas voice]: Hurry, grab a weapon and thermal clip!
[Shepard]: (looks blankly at thermal clip) What the **** is this?
[Jacob]: Youve been brought back at great cost as part of a classified project. I can tell you no more
Im sworn to secrecy.
[Shepard]: Aw come on.
[Jacob]: Ok, fine, Im with Cerberus. You may remember us as the terrorist organization that spent the last game conducting horrific experiments and trying to kill you.
[Shepard]: And Im supposed to trust you?
[Jacob]: Well, we got better. Look, we have a cool logo now and team colors and everything.
[Shepard]: That seems like a good idea for a secret terrorist organization.
[Miranda]: Allow me to demonstrate how cold and ruthless I am by executing this traitor with my perfect, hot body that I will point out at every opportunity.
[Shepard]: Fortunately for the plot, all the blood has just left my brain.
Chapter 2: Cerberus Station
[Illusive Man]: Hello, Shepard. You spent the last game ruining my evil plans and killing dozens of my minions. Ive decided to resurrect you so you can screw me over yet again.
[Shepard]: I hate you!
[Illusive Man]: 4 billion credits well spent.
Chapter 3: Freedoms Progress
[Tali]: Shepard! You saved me!
[Shepard]: Its good to see you Tali! Wow
so, um
wait, how old are you in Earth years now?
[Miranda]: Im hotter!
[Tali]: My threads longer!
[Shepard]: Would it hurt my chances for a potential romance if I were to hand your traumatized friend over to Cerberus goons for interrogation?
[Tali]: Nah, its cool.
[Shepard]: Well, maybe Ill see you around
[Tali]: I hope so, but what are the chances Ill need to be rescued again?
Interlude: Normandy
[Joker]: Look, commander! At last, the Normandy has been rebuilt! What an epic moment!
[Shepard]: Yeah, thats something. Its been
what? Almost half a day for me since the last one was arbitrarily destroyed?
Chapter 4: The Citadel
[Shepard]: So about those Reapers
[Council]: Shepard, the man who personally saved our lives, and whose warnings proved to be 100% correct in the last game! Thank the gods youve returned! As the only one who has communed with the Prothean beacons and spoken directly to Sovereign, you may be our only hope of discovering a way to stop the Reapers, who showed up in person just 2 years ago to destroy our fleet and mate with our space station, and who could not possibly have been a product of the Geth. Well reinstate you as a Spectre immediately, of course, and start
[Bioware]: ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL
[Council]: Ah yes, Reapers
[Shepard]: If they give me another chance to kill you in the next game, Im taking it.
[Reporter]: Commander Shepard! Youre alive! Can I get a statement?
[Shepard]: Ive had enough of your lackadaisical permutations! *PUNCH*