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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #196 - "Dance"

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F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Theme: Dance

il_fullxfull.269353540.jpg


Word Limit: 2,200 words

Submission Deadline: Friday September 2nd at 11:59pm pacific

Voting Deadline: Monday September 5th at 11:59pm pacific

Grace Periods: Each of the above deadlines will be followed by a 6-hour grace period. Submissions made after the end of the grace period will be ineligible, and votes cast after the end of the grace period will not be counted. Remember that these are grace periods, not extensions of the deadline--you should still submit your work or cast your vote by the deadline set above.

Writing Hangout: The first sunday of every new challenge, we have a writing hangout using Google Hangout at 2 PM Pacific. The format is ten minutes of chat, then thirty minutes of writing with mics muted, repeated until we've gone for two hours. Webcams aren't required, though several of us will have them. Mics are recommended but also not required, as you can use the text chat.

Secondary Objective: Active Verb Descriptions: Get rid of all your passive verbs (is, had, was, were, will, would, ect) and see if you can find a better verb to use instead. For a little more example, an excerpt from one of my favorite books.

Stephen King's On Writing said:
Verbs come in two types, active and passive. With an active verb, the subject of the sentence is doing something. With a passive verb, something is being done to the subject of the sentence. The subject is just letting it happen. you should avoid the passive tense. I'm not the only one who says so; you can find the same advice in The Elements of Style.

Messrs, Strunk and white don't speculate as to why so many writers are attracted to passive verbs, but I'm willing to; I think timid writers like them for the same reason timid lovers like passive partners. The passive voice is safe. There is no troublesome action to contend with; the subject just has to close its eyes and think of England, to paraphrase Queen Victoria. I think unsure writers also feel the passive voice somehow lends their work authority, perhaps even a quality of majesty. If you find instruction manuals and lawyers's torts majestic; I guess it does.

The timid fellow writes The meeting will be held at seven o'clock because that somehow says to him, "put it this way and people will believe you really know." Purge this quisling thought! Don't be a muggle! Throw back you shoulders, stick out your chin, and put that meeting in charge! Write The meeting's at seven. There, by God! Don't you feel better?

I won't say there's no place for the passive tense. Suppose, for instance, a fellow dies in the kitchen but ends up somewhere else. The body was carried from the kitchen and placed on the parlor sofa is a fair way to put this, although 'was carried' and 'was placed' still irk the shit out of me. I accept them but I don't embrace them. What I would embrace is Freddy and Myra carried the body out of the kitchen and laid it on the parlor sofa. Why does the body have to be the subject of the sentence, anyway? It's dead, for Christ's sake!
Click to expand...


Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

Important side note: A lot of our regulars like to write out short critiques/comments for the stories, but you can always opt out by simply adding a note like "I'd prefer no critiques" in the post where you submit your story. We're an understanding group and respect that not everyone wants comments on their work. Above all, we just want to read your story.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes
 
F

Freeza Under The Shower

Member
Should have unironically gone with this instead. Because dedication, yes. :D

Ooh, I remember a little thing I completely forgot to write down when I was making a list of ideas before, so I might actually enter on this one.

One line synopsis: Vampire in a dance with his would-be assassin contemplates his choices.
(kind of a clichéd trope at this point, and probably a bit boring, but the secondary is helping on that one).

Small note on the secondary: the book How Fiction Works by James Wood (add an s to evolve your pokemon! ) has some excellent insight into third-person active voice that might be useful on this one. I would recommended it in general as well though. The segment on Flaubert using a character's sense of shame in burned in my memory, and provided amusing insight when the same thing is done in the novel Er Ist Wieder Da.

And from last thread: "That's funny, I have very mixed feelings about Murakami. What do you not like?" Hard-Boiled Wonderland felt as mediocre "philosophical" - aka it's not - YA to me by the typical "I'm so far up my own ass I can't tell shit from shit anymore" kind of writer.
So basically: EVERYTHING. I do have a very limited exposure to his work though, and I may have 'missed the point' with HBW, but I'll be damned if I have to apologize for it. I also am not an expert in Japanese (YA) writing, so hearing about his relation to other Japanese writing is more interesting than actually reading his work. The idea of him being "anti Japanese" is compelling, but without a reference frame for it in English (or other language) any would-be effect is lost. Not the same as lost in translation btw.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I have not a single piece of literature on dance or about dancing. I mean there are books with balls which are famed in their own right, such as pride & prejudice but nothing like what the film medium has. At least in my collection.
This should be interesting.
 
N

Neeener

Neo Member
Right, committing to this one.

I've been trying to hop back in after a year off from the challenges. It's been a bit like waiting next to the circling jumprope in second grade trying to will yourself to leap in... but feeling like the rope was either going to smack you in the face or tangle in your feet. Last challenge I got as far as a complete plot... but didn't manage to write the whole thing.

I figure a public declaration of intent will force me to actually write for this one.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Neeener said:
Right, committing to this one.

I've been trying to hop back in after a year off from the challenges. It's been a bit like waiting next to the circling jumprope in second grade trying to will yourself to leap in... but feeling like the rope was either going to smack you in the face or tangle in your feet. Last challenge I got as far as a complete plot... but didn't manage to write the whole thing.

I figure a public declaration of intent will force me to actually write for this one.
Click to expand...

Yay! Public declaration: recognized.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Neeener said:
Right, committing to this one.

I've been trying to hop back in after a year off from the challenges. It's been a bit like waiting next to the circling jumprope in second grade trying to will yourself to leap in... but feeling like the rope was either going to smack you in the face or tangle in your feet. Last challenge I got as far as a complete plot... but didn't manage to write the whole thing.

I figure a public declaration of intent will force me to actually write for this one.
Click to expand...

Geeze, has it really been a year?
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Writing hangout in about half an hour. Standard quick recap: it's on Google Hangouts, and the format is ten minutes of chat, then thirty minutes of writing with mics muted, repeated until we've gone for two hours. Webcams aren't required, though several of us will have them. Mics are recommended but also not required, as you can use the text chat.

The hangout link is (quote to see):
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Oh shit. I totally didn't realize it was hangout time and fell asleep early :( And I really could have used the motivation too...
 
F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Red said:
How long can we stretch the deadline? I'm going to take a nap and then try to finish.
Click to expand...

Since its my challenge I say as long as you need. I really miss reading your stuff, so if you need to drop it in tomorrow around this time, I'll still count it. Same goes for anyone still working franticly(myself included :p).
 
N

Neeener

Neo Member
Clodhoppers

337 words

This is just a partial... had loads I wanted to do with it, but woke with a migraine so submitting what I did so far.
Just keeping the commitment, hoping to do a proper submission next time! I'd rather not have critique on this one.

Where it was going:
Casey was going to stumble through a line dance class with the help of a girl who takes pity on his awkwardness. Then he was going to head to his algebra class where they have a pop quiz. He's delighted but can see that same girl struggling across the room. He looks at the numbers and they seem to be dancing into place revealing the answers to him (basically, he may suck at dancing but he's good at math.)
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Hil

Hil hurried around the corner, swaying slightly as she stepped around the bits of trash on the sidewalk, puckering her nose at the smell of urine. The night was chill and she wanted her bed. She jerked her head at a shadowed form in the recess of a storefront, but it was just a homeless man sleeping under a couple of jackets.

Her car waited a short block away, the parking meter showing red. No ticket, thank god.

Hil stepped out to the driver's side and paused. A woman shuffled in a slow circle out in the street. Old, the woman; wrinkles pulling at her eyes and mouth; hair wisping out, long past gray; squinting, rheumy eyes. She moved slowly, steps unsure, hands shaking.

She circled in just the right part of the road to keep Hil from pulling her car out of the parking spot. "Um," said Hil gently. "Excuse me. Ma'am?"

The woman paid her no mind. She continued shuffling, changing direction slightly. Her hands and arms moved in a herky-jerky pattern that must have made some kind of sense to her.

"Um," said Hil again. "Ma'am. I need to move my car."

The woman's eyes moved, and in the streetlight Hil couldn't tell if the woman had looked at her or if it had just been a random motion, like the shuffling. It wasn't shuffling though, was it. Hil looked closer. There was a pattern to it. A rhythm. The woman was *dancing*.

It was slow, and unsteady, and it made no sort of sense, but the woman was most certainly dancing.

"Um," Hil began, and then she gave up. She leaned against her car and watched the old woman dance.

*

Another night, another pink umbrella drink too many, though this time Hil was taking the bus home. She turned a corner, stepped over a broken bottle, nearly tripped as her heel caught in a sidewalk crack. She wasn't quite heedless, but she knew where she was going and she didn't need to keep her brain engaged.

And then she saw her. The shuffling woman, wrinkles at her eyes, wisping hair, dancing steps. This time, it seemed, the woman saw her too. She gave a secretive smile, and the hint of a nod, and she carried on in her shuffling steps.

The back part of her brain, the part that reminded her to keep an eye on her drink and not to drive drunk, told her to keep moving. This woman reeked of oddness. Well, she plain reeked as well, but "homeless crazy person" fairly dripped off her. Hil glanced around but didn't see a cup or anywhere else to leave spare change. She leaned on a streetlight and waited, and watched. The moon overhead pierced cloud cover and the city light-noise, casting silver on the old woman's face.

"You can join me," the woman said, and her voice grated like rusted metal on concrete.

Hil started, and banged her head on the streetlight, and then stood there feeling embarrassed even though no one was watching, not even the old woman. "Um," she said, almost as an afterthought, and then the back part of her brain caught up to what was going on and she all but flew down the street toward the bus stop, calling "thanks" back over her shoulder almost instinctively.

*

A third night, a week later, a different part of town, and the thought ran through Hil's head as she left the bar, that this time she wouldn't see any crazy old lady dancing, this time she'd be safe. Safe as anyone could be in this city, at least.

She walked up a long stretch of hill towards the bus stop, and she stopped to take off her heels, and footsteps came up behind her and when she turned a girl stood there, an apologetic smile on her face and a bare knife in her hand, and she held out her other hand and asked Hil for her phone and wallet.

Her throat went tight, and her eyes wide, and she felt she could see every detail of the street before her. The speckled concrete of the sidewalk, bent and curved down to the street just in front of her where it crossed a driveway. A stain of spilled beer or soda or something worse. A stick of well-chewed old green-white gum, jammed into a crack in the sidewalk like someone thought they were spackling it. And the metallic tang of the knife and the teeth in the girl's face shining like jagged pearls and the hand reaching to her, reaching for--

The girl looked past Hil's shoulder, and the smile fell from her face like it had just discovered gravity, and her hand stopped reaching, and the knife disappeared. A moment later, so did she, the fading pit-pat of her footsteps on concrete the only sign she'd been there at all.

And Hil turned, and was neither surprised nor displeased to find behind her an old woman shuffling in a circle on the street, and moving her hand in a herky-jerk pattern that only she knew, and the tiniest smile on her face.

The woman nodded, and Hil kicked off her heels, and stepped out into the street, and danced.
 
R

Red

Member
Keeping
1748 words

Looks like the pdf did something funky with italics in this draft. There is a word missing. It should be "enjoy."

Ah, there's a bunch missing. What the heck happened.

Fixed by removing italics. Anyone else having trouble with google docs not formatting italics correctly when exporting as pdf? I've never had a problem before.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Dancing Memories

Slowly but steadily, the old man makes his way through the busy streets. His head hung low and his back hunched, he carries a big old suitcase, its leather as wrinkled and weathered as the man's face. An equally threadbare hat and coat are his only protection against the cold winds of early winter.

At a random corner he stops. Not taking notice of the people hurriedly sidestepping to avoid bumping into him, he puts the suitcase down on the pavement and bends down to open it. After a bit of rummaging around he retrieves a battered and time-worn puppet. The paint on the wooden face has almost entirely faded away, leaving only a vague memory of its former features. The puppet's clothes might once have been skillfully tailored but now they look just as threadbare and worn like its owner's.

His fingers stiff from the cold, it takes the old man several minutes until he finally entangles the dozens of strings attached to the puppet's various extremities and joints. When he is finally done, he carefully lays it down next to him before returning to his suitcase once more. When he rises, he holds another puppet, its features carved into that of a young woman. This second one appears much better cared for. The blue paint of her eyes looks fresh and bright, and her dark hair is tidily groomed into two braids. She is clad in an emerald green dress, that has been intricately embroidered with yellow flowers. Her painted smile seems almost real, and the old man holds her for a few more moments, a look of faded sadness in his eyes, before he starts entangling her strings as well.

His work finally finished, he takes the wooden cross in his left hand before picking up the first puppet's cross with his right. He straightens his back slightly and then, slowly at first but picking up speed with every passing second, his fingers start moving along the strings. Plucking here and twitching there his motions become more and more fluid, as if he is playing a silent instrument to a melody only he can hear.

-------------------------

Down on the pavement the faceless man lifts his head. He looks around, his expressionless features scanning his surroundings aimlessly. From behind him a young and beautiful woman tiptoes closer to him. Playfully evading his searching gaze, she ducks now to the left and now to the right, only stopping to lift her hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle. When she is finally standing right behind him, she taps him on the shoulder only to quickly step out of sight when he turns around. Three more times she repeats this little game, before she finally lets the man catch her.

Relieved, the faceless man lifts his hands and steps closer to embrace her but again she steps away, laughing coyly. Again and again the faceless man approaches her, but ever so swiftly she manages to step out of his reach. Soon the two of them are chasing each other around in circles until finally the faceless man sinks to his knees exhausted and defeated.
As he kneels on the pavement, the woman steps closer once more and lays her hand on his shoulder. He looks up at her, and when a few moments have passed and she has not moved away, he timidly reaches out for her one last time.
She takes his hand and pulls him to his feet. They stand before each other, holding their hands, their gazes transfixed. And then they slowly begin to dance.

At first they only sway from side to side a little bit, but not long and the movement carries over to their feet and they begin turning around and around. The longer they carry on, the more pronounced and free their motions become, and soon they are joyfully twirling and whirling around. She is pirouetting and jumping, and he is following her every movement, careful not to let go of her. And as the they are caught in the flurry of dance, a ray of light falls on the faceless man, and for a moment his long faded features seem to lighten up. For a moment a young man with friendly green eyes and a kind smile is dancing on the pavement with the beautiful woman in the green dress with yellow flowers.

The light vanishes and with it the young woman retreats from the dance. The faceless man is left staring after her as she ever so slowly turns around and and walks away. He doesn't reach out, he doesn't go after her. He knows that this time there will be no catching up.

---------------

The old man stands at the busy corner, the puppets still in his hand. The people around him pass by without paying him any notice. Silently he packs away the puppets and picks up the suitcase before he slowly walks down the street to the next corner.
 
C

Cowlick

Banned
And here comes me with two left feet.

1. Tangent - Shit Already
Ah, the juggle of the morning grind, and the grace at which some of us manage, but the more human of us flail and flounder. Really great visuals came to the fore with this piece, a simple idea that works well with the pace and prose. The threat/promise of the conference call gave it a sense of urgency as the odds continued to stack ever higher until... crash! Nice take on the theme; thanks for an enjoyable read.

2. Red - Keeping
I really liked the dialogue here -- a room of voices and all of them felt natural, with a good flow between speakers. There were a few too many uses of "asked" for my taste (if it's following a question, we know how it's being said) but apart from that I enjoyed how much you handled in such a short space.

3. Problem Attic - At Dawn
The step counting was a good, and natural, tension-tightening device, while the narrative in between almost serves as these two lives flashing before the eyes. And I liked how it ended. In some stories it's best to wonder and let it continue to flicker in our mind, as this story did in mine. I do agree it would benefit from an edit, but nonetheless, what you presented worked for me.
 
P

Problem Attic

Member
Another good round of stories on a, uh, “unique” theme.

1. Cowlick- Message in a Bottle
2. Red- Keeping
3. Mike M- Bedside Story


Feedback disclaimer: Feedback can be tough because writing is a very personal thing so I don't mean anything I've said to be negative or that I am picking on anyone in general. This is just my opinion and I hope you all can find something constructive from it (some more than others?). Overall, I think everyone tells really great stories and my actual feedback is usually nit-picking minor details that I really have to grasp at straws to find. If you have any questions/comments about what I have said, please let me know as I am more than happy to discuss anything I’ve said about your work.

Cowlick- Message in a Bottle: This was a really good story, I especially liked the dialog of the old man. I think maybe a line or two about the MC and the girl’s previous relationship would’ve highlighted the actual tension for them in the dance but it works fine without that too.

Mike M- Bedside Story: I enjoyed this story but just didn’t connect with the man, though I don’t think I was supposed to. I don’t have any real critiques, it reads well, I’m just missing the relationship with the man for the ending to really pay off. After thinking about it, I loved the beginning with the nurse and I found myself wondering what it would have been like to get the story about the man from a hospital employee’s perspective since he seems to have hung around there quite a bit. Again, not really the point of the exercise so this is in no way helpful. It was a good story.

Tangent- Shit Already: This was a really neat idea for the theme, the dance elements came across in a really clever way. There was an issue with some of the verbs switching tense and some passive voice but overall the story painted a vivid picture that was relatable.

Problem Attic- At Dawn: Oh boy, this thing kind of ate me up… For the theme, I heard dance and thought of a gun fight of some kind, which lead to an old colonial duel where I thought I could focus on their movements and make it seem dance-like, but it just turned into too much of a stretch so I’m not sure it ever sticks out like I would’ve liked. I did do some research and there were actual rules for these kind of things, so if anyone is interested, you can find them here.
On the story overall, I lost myself in one character, then in one plot point, then on the ending, and I just needed more time/space to bring it together. All that said, I stepped outside the comfort zone and took some risks on a lot of elements in the story and if it works for at least one person, I’m happy.

FlowersisBritish- We Dance So Grief Cannot Reach Us: I really like the title, and it’s a strong story. This read quickly for me and was over just as I was getting into it, so I would’ve liked it to a bit longer even if that meant adding some filler. That’s more of a personal preference than a critique though.

Neener- Clodhoppers: I liked the details in what you were able to write down, but there was a lot of passive voice that lost me since that was a main focus this week. It’s always fun to imagine where these things are headed, but if you ever get around to jotting the whole thing down, I would absolutely love to read the finished product.

Cyan- Hil: I loved how descriptive this story was and the tone, though dark, was a lot of fun too. I think I needed to know more about the MC though. Drinking three nights in a row is somewhat peculiar and maybe a little more backstory into her and her social behaviors would’ve helped shine some light on the “guardian angel”.

Red- Keeping: I really liked how natural the dialog was; this was written like an actual conversation and it was so easy to get wrapped up in each character because of that. Some of the frequent stops (periods) in the dialog threw me a little since it kind of broke up the flow, but each sentence added something to the story so it worked overall.

Mu Cephei- unfinished: There are so many beautiful things in this story but I got lost in everything going on. I re-read it twice and I think the pronouns jump around with characters who aren’t as well defined and it was hard for me to follow. The descriptions are great and the ending is so powerful, I wish I’d of caught on to whom each person was referring on the first read.

Nezumi- Dancing Memories: I really liked the whole puppet POV in the middle of this story, it was a neat idea. It’s an interesting story, though the puppets are very action defined (which makes sense, they are puppets) but there is kind of this pre-destined aspect to their relationship that I personally would’ve liked to see more of. Are they aware of the puppet-master or what will their next interaction be like; what were their previous interactions like or is this a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead kind of thing? I don’t mind having these kind of questions, but when a short story is a short story, I’ll always want to know more of where the author was headed.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Cowlick: Cute little story, even if the stakes were pretty low. The moment the shopkeeper explained what the potion did, it was immediately apparent where things were going. But the thing that absolutely did not work for me was the notion of people being assigned to each other for the school dance. I’ve never heard of school dances being compulsory affairs where the administration can exercise any authority in deciding who dances with whom. Maybe it’s a thing and I’m wrong, but that was a bridge too far for me.

Mike M: This was one of those back pocket story ideas I had on hand for a character involved in a larger head canon shared universe with a few of my other guys. Turned out pretty meh, I especially struggled with the end; he’s been around for thousands of years and presumably done this a whole bunch of times, why would he have any expectation that it would turn out any differently this time? Also pretty sure that the “immortal guy just wants to die” thing has been done to death, and I didn’t really bring anything new to the table with this.

Tangent: If this had been third person instead of second person, I’d have given it my first place vote. I have a real problem with second person stories that presume to ascribe any sort of characterization and dialogue to me, the reader. The punchline was bit obvious, but the catastrophe that immediately precedes it is well-described.

Problem Attic: First things first, the formatting for this was a bit of a nightmare. Either put an empty line between paragraphs or indent them (preferably both for a single space piece), as this was reeeeeal hard to read in parts where there’s just a wall of text with the occasional line shorter than the rest. Second, the pacing is really unbalanced, which is a shame because it would have been a relatively easy fix. You’ve got one sentence each for paces one and two, 3-6 and 8 are roughly the same size, but OMG what’s going on with 7? It’s three times the size of the rest. You could had 1 and 2 start out with 3 and 4 and split 7 into three, and it would have read much easier. Plus it would get you to ten paces, which I believe is the customary distance for a dueling. Not letting us know who won in clear terms seemed a bit of a misfire, as there was one guy who was clearly in the right and the other who was clearly in the wrong. The ambiguity of the ending didn’t match with the unambiguous conflict.

FlowersisBritish: “the wooden fence shaped hand” <- I reread this like eight times trying to understand what you meant before deciding that you probably just made a typo and meant to say “handle.” Plus I believe it’s called a control bar. Outside of that, this didn’t do much for me. There wasn’t a lot of moving parts to it, we don’t have time to get a feel for the characters, and the conflict is minor and resolved almost as soon as it’s named. There wasn’t really anything going on that I particularly cared about.

Neeener: I suck at dancing and math.

Cyan: I’m not sure I get why the mugger would suddenly run away just because there’s a creepy old lady dancing in the streets. It definitely felt like you were building to something more significant with Hil’s continual encounters with the woman, but it didn’t seem to amount to anything, which was a bit of a disappointment for me.

Red: I gave you my second place vote this week, but I don’t really have a whole lot to say about yours. The naturalism of the dialogue elevated this one for me this week, which is good, because it’s primarily dialogue. I did have a touch of trouble keeping track of who was speaking from time to time, but that was always on account of my inattentiveness rather than insufficient dialogue tags or something.

mu cephei: This read more like a setup for the subsequent trip to the Eiger, but I enjoyed it well enough to give it my top vote this week. The characters were distinct from one another, and I even got a fairly good sense about Lance through inference when he wasn’t even actually in the story. Jim’s perspective stuck out as being radically different from the others’, however; I appreciated the differences in style between the characters, but Jim was considerably further apart.

Nezumi: The occurrence of marionettes this week seems statistically improbable. A cute little vignette, but not a lot to sink my teeth into. Both the puppeteer and the puppets’ part to play in it are too brief for me to get into, and then it’s all over in a snap.
 
R

Red

Member
1. Mike M - Why open this with so much detail about the nurse, despite her irrelevance to the story? The "immortal wants to die" thing may be done to death, but I haven't seen one of them use his children as bait before. That's the most interesting thing here: the emotional toll that must take, how the man must wrestle with throwing his children into the world just so he can use them when they die. As always, you provide vivid action and well-wrought detail. You already bring up the question of why we see this particular attempt to reclaim the immortal man's life. If you can provide that, the conflict could become more interesting... Did the man have to achieve something particularly grueling or risky in order to come to this particular moment? Could this be his last chance to reclaim his mortality? If he can simply try again, the stakes are pulled from under us.
2. Cyan - Well written, and short enough that despite its familiarity it does not overstay its welcome.
3. Cowlick - I agree with Mike: on learning what the dance potion does, you show your hand. We know immediately where we are going. I disagree with him on the assigned pairs. I can buy it as a detail unique to your story even if it is unlikely to happen in reality. The dialect of the shopkeeper is a little much at times, but it never gets in the way of his meaning.
hm: mu cephei - I agree with Mike again: all the voices here are distinct. It's well-written. I would like for more vivid action and setting. We go through a lot of thoughts but they don't feel particularly grounded. It is as if your characters are thinking more than they are acting.

Sorry for the light feedback this round.
 
T

Tangent

Member
Votes:
1. Flowers
2. Red
3. mu cephei

I have a long, pointless, time-sucking meeting tomorrow. I'll see if I can provide feedback during the meeting. Stay tuned. Maybe.

&#128578;
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Votes:
1. Mike M- "Bedside Story"
2. FlowersisBritish- We Dance So Grief Cannot Reach Us
3. Cowlick- "Message in a Bottle"
 
N

Neeener

Neo Member
No time for feedback... this was a fun round and it was great to participate again... I WILL finish my story next time ;)

Votes:
1. Cyan
2. Mike M
3. Tangent
 
N

Neeener

Neo Member
So... do we have a winner yet?
(itching to get the next challenge... but definitely can't be trusted to do any counting!)
 
F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Hey look I have some responses. Ended each of them with a quote I really liked.

Problem Attic: First, never be afraid to experiment. In this case, I love the idea of the story being told between paces and it getting gradually more detailed. It's a neat idea, though the pacing was pretty uneven and the story seemed way more focused on Ian. That's not bad but makes the cuts to Sam jarring. Did like the ending, enough there to figure out who died. "The morning dew soaked into his coat as he struggled for one final breath that would never come. The three remaining men stayed in place while the sun crested over the treeline, spreading its orange and yellow glow onto the property of Paul Thomas. The light landed on the lifeless body of the man who placed his pride above all else, though his honor still remained intact."

Cowlick: Really love how this played out. Pretty much exactly what I wanted to read this challenge. Overall, enjoyed how this played out, especially with the bad dancing bit(was she secretly bad? or was the potion a fake? Might have read over the answer). Also some really great descriptions through out. Though, the potions thing felt very fantastical in a non fantastical world? Kinda threw me off in terms of setting. "The old man was bald, with skin of wrinkled burlap. The holes in his cardigan revealed a stained shirt underneath, both layers rolled up to the elbows. Grey eyes twinkled at Danny’s discomfort, and as he set the book aside, it revealed a mouth that curled in a wry grin. 'Sorry, didn’t quite catch that.'"

Flowersisme: Actually the beginning of a much longer story, but didn't have time to edit the whole thing(lots of dumb lines at the end), and thought the beginning was the strongest aspect. So I went with it

Cyan: Short and sweet, combining my love of creepy old people and vigilantisim. Though I have to wonder, why did the knife guy run? Cause she was creepy? If so, I can get behind that! "The shuffling woman, wrinkles at her eyes, wisping hair, dancing steps."

Nezumi: Nice use of puppets. I thought the set up with the old man working on the puppet and then cutting to the puppets perspective during the show was really really neat. Got me into it, and the show was entertaining enough that the ending was a real bummer. "Plucking here and twitching there his motions become more and more fluid, as if he is playing a silent instrument to a melody only he can hear."

Tangent: Second person is always weird to read, but in this case I really like reading it. It helped put me in the shoes of that hectic life. Opens strong, and I love how it loops back around. "And then. Finally. Just as you think you have made it, you trip on your middle son’s left rain boot that has toppled over, at the door’s opening. And at that moment, everything flies up like some kind of spectacular firework finale"

Red: Dialogue did a good job of carrying the story. Really loved how you kept small questions/nodds/odd looks out of your dialogue so one character would just talk about their subject("don't give me that look."). I thought it was a very nice touch. Maybe too many characters for such a short story though? Got a little lost keeping track of who's who. Anyway the ending was a well executed gut punch, that ended it on a really strong note. "'Isn’t that something,' said Gail. Doozer stomped one foot down and giggled. Turned to the women with a smile like a sunbeam. Gail couldn’t help but snort in amusement. An ache spread through her chest and into her belly. She loved that boy. She laughed until she cried."

Mu Cephei: First off, I really like quotes in the beginning. Plus you used it right, really contextualizes your story. I got more than a little lost in the opening section, but by the second I refound myself. Lots of little poignant moments like Jim needing to be held up. "She dipped her hand beneath the struggling insect, gently cupping it. She spread her fingers and allowed the water to trickle through."

Mike: Great creation myth, really love that whole second part. Spent a little too much on that nurse in the beginning, but not by much. Obviously you already know the ending is bleh, so I will offer a swerve. What if instead of seeking death he wanted his kids to be immortal too so he wouldn't be alone? "Long ago, when the world was new, man was fearful. The gods had not created them with the claws of the great cats, nor the thick hide of the elephants, nor the swift legs of the gazelles, for man had been made with what remained after the creation of all else."
 
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