John Dunbar
correct about everything
Palaces in the Air
1,900 words, quote to see password
1,900 words, quote to see password
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #136 - "Reversal of Fortune"
- Thread starter Aaron
- Start date
- Status
John Dunbar
correct about everything
you could say it was a, hehehe, reversal of fortune.
do you get it?
do you get it?
What happened to that online dating story set in a future war? I was excited to read it.
What happened to that online dating story set in a future war? I was excited to read it.
Now I feel extra bad. Spent a few hours yesterday just writing different opening paragraphs. Thought the last one would be workable. Too bad I didn't have much time to write at all today. New deadline, same result. -_-
Oh no, it's okay.
You did better than me, you actually got some opening paragraphs!Far from the Righteous Path (1997)
John Dunbar
correct about everything
Tangent, I can't see your story. I don't know is it just me, but when I enter the password all I see is just a single blank page.
I'm getting the same thing.
lastflowers
Banned
My writing process usually involves in image or two that I then write into a sentence. Typically that sentence involves a certain style, which then gets expanded, if I enjoy the tone or the kernel of a story it supposes, into the rest of the story. Most of these for me are exploratory, and involve my attempts to stretch a theme or concept to its breaking point. As a result, writing these pieces end up like a rubber band just past its elastic limit. Useful in exercise, maybe not so much in the end result.
Oops, sorry -- I think I know what happened. I think this should work: "Meal Ticket"
Welcome back JD!!! We've been missing your writing.
How very interesting. Perhaps I do the something similar. But replace picture with idea, topic, character or subject matter.
So far, Bill's Potato is a hit. It keeps on cracking me up.
Hey Aaron, I was wondering: I like how you made the deadline Sat 11:59 am. What do you think about giving us a bit more time to read stories? I find it hard to read stories over the weekend and somehow I feel like we're squeezed tighter with reading time even though you still gave us the amount of time. My thought is that it wouldn't really take away from writing time for the NEXT challenge because very few people actually produce a story in the first day or so... just an idea.
Hey Aaron, I was wondering: I like how you made the deadline Sat 11:59 am. What do you think about giving us a bit more time to read stories? I find it hard to read stories over the weekend and somehow I feel like we're squeezed tighter with reading time even though you still gave us the amount of time. My thought is that it wouldn't really take away from writing time for the NEXT challenge because very few people actually produce a story in the first day or so... just an idea.
He's in the details - set up was nice, the twist was good. I recommend you squeeze the middle.
Far from the rightous path - thought it would be a play on Hardy's Far from the madding crowd. Too regidly followed the theme instead of exploring more freely for my mind.
Bill's Potato - For what it's worth I rather liked it.
John Lennon plays here on Thursdays - An old fashioned morality tale; I didn't see that ending coming. I've been looking at choice architecture recently and how people make decisions. & I wonder whether people would really change if they visited heaven or hell. Forewarning people about cancer doesn't seem to work all that well to encourage people to not smoke, eat sensibly and exercise.
Far from the rightous path - thought it would be a play on Hardy's Far from the madding crowd. Too regidly followed the theme instead of exploring more freely for my mind.
Bill's Potato - For what it's worth I rather liked it.
John Lennon plays here on Thursdays - An old fashioned morality tale; I didn't see that ending coming. I've been looking at choice architecture recently and how people make decisions. & I wonder whether people would really change if they visited heaven or hell. Forewarning people about cancer doesn't seem to work all that well to encourage people to not smoke, eat sensibly and exercise.
Votes:
1- John Dunbar
2- Cyan
3- Carlisle
Comments:
evilpigking - It would have been nice if you went back and gave it a quick edit. You establish the characters and their problems well, but the devil's bargain is such a cliche that you don't take it anywhere new. It feels like a shame that you do so much to build things up to a rather simple payoff.
lastflowers - It's a little too strong in the patter. You've veer too much away from proper grammar, making it hard to follow. Too much detail can be a bad thing. Like if I poured out every sauce in my fridge on a steak. The flavor just gets buried. Like the story here gets buried.
GRW810 - There's a very pleasant feel to the writing, like a parfait. I wish though there was some early hook or tease to tug me along, so I'm waiting for something to be revealed. It could have used a little anticipation. Also 'Youre going to wish the surgeons had never bothered removing that bullet?' Eh, who would really wish that when they're only going to be arrested? It's a little too far.
Tangent - It's a good joke. It's set up well and has plenty of little details to flesh it out, but it goes on a little long and there's no punchline. Everything you have is great, but it really needed to lead somewhere sharp and immediate. Instead it just peters out.
Mike M - The problem for me personally is the story within the story is more interesting that the frame story. Not that the frame story is bad, but it's just overwhelmed by Teddy's battle against the Nazis. You should have toned down the detail on that to bring up the frame, or just tell the adventure serial instead.
Ward - I would have rather read a story with the incident itself than a retelling afterwards. There seemed to be plenty of drama, humor, and tension in there, but it's diluted by this current form.
Carlisle - It's a good twist, and there's a strong interaction between the characters, but you do cheat in the setup, which is a little too deceptive. I think you could have gotten by with being more vague and have it work out. The main character also seems a little too rational considering the ending.
Ourobolus - Short and concise, though hoping for inspiration is a cliche around these parts. At least the potato made it out okay.
Ashes1396 - I was hoping for a balance of show and tell. You're good at both, but there's parts here that are awkward in the telling that would have flowed easily shown. Under too much exposition, your usual gift for dialogue gets muddled.
John Dunbar - It's got a great pace to it with these peaks and valleys of mild tension right up until the conclusion. I was a little put off by the foreman always talking about souls, but I'm not sure why. If it was a little longer, I wish he had briefly met the owners of the house to increase that tension a little.
Cyan - Cool setting, something simmering before a sudden change in direction. Minor quibble is I would have liked Modest's details a little more concrete before the shift in direction. Even by the end I feel they're not as fleshed out as they really should be before the switch. He also knows more about the person he's impersonating than is really expressed in the story. I thought it was strong overall and kept me hooked to the end, but it could have used a little more detail.
1- John Dunbar
2- Cyan
3- Carlisle
Comments:
evilpigking - It would have been nice if you went back and gave it a quick edit. You establish the characters and their problems well, but the devil's bargain is such a cliche that you don't take it anywhere new. It feels like a shame that you do so much to build things up to a rather simple payoff.
lastflowers - It's a little too strong in the patter. You've veer too much away from proper grammar, making it hard to follow. Too much detail can be a bad thing. Like if I poured out every sauce in my fridge on a steak. The flavor just gets buried. Like the story here gets buried.
GRW810 - There's a very pleasant feel to the writing, like a parfait. I wish though there was some early hook or tease to tug me along, so I'm waiting for something to be revealed. It could have used a little anticipation. Also 'Youre going to wish the surgeons had never bothered removing that bullet?' Eh, who would really wish that when they're only going to be arrested? It's a little too far.
Tangent - It's a good joke. It's set up well and has plenty of little details to flesh it out, but it goes on a little long and there's no punchline. Everything you have is great, but it really needed to lead somewhere sharp and immediate. Instead it just peters out.
Mike M - The problem for me personally is the story within the story is more interesting that the frame story. Not that the frame story is bad, but it's just overwhelmed by Teddy's battle against the Nazis. You should have toned down the detail on that to bring up the frame, or just tell the adventure serial instead.
Ward - I would have rather read a story with the incident itself than a retelling afterwards. There seemed to be plenty of drama, humor, and tension in there, but it's diluted by this current form.
Carlisle - It's a good twist, and there's a strong interaction between the characters, but you do cheat in the setup, which is a little too deceptive. I think you could have gotten by with being more vague and have it work out. The main character also seems a little too rational considering the ending.
Ourobolus - Short and concise, though hoping for inspiration is a cliche around these parts. At least the potato made it out okay.
Ashes1396 - I was hoping for a balance of show and tell. You're good at both, but there's parts here that are awkward in the telling that would have flowed easily shown. Under too much exposition, your usual gift for dialogue gets muddled.
John Dunbar - It's got a great pace to it with these peaks and valleys of mild tension right up until the conclusion. I was a little put off by the foreman always talking about souls, but I'm not sure why. If it was a little longer, I wish he had briefly met the owners of the house to increase that tension a little.
Cyan - Cool setting, something simmering before a sudden change in direction. Minor quibble is I would have liked Modest's details a little more concrete before the shift in direction. Even by the end I feel they're not as fleshed out as they really should be before the switch. He also knows more about the person he's impersonating than is really expressed in the story. I thought it was strong overall and kept me hooked to the end, but it could have used a little more detail.
How dare you. That was a carefully crafted masterpiece, one that rivaled the works of Wells and Dostoevsky!
I tried, but I really found it to be unworkable :/
John Dunbar
correct about everything
evilpigking: I liked the way you wrote Thomas and the hospital bits, but the demon didn't really work for me. The harassment never came across so bad that a deal with a demon was plausible, especially on such vague terms. I just didn't buy it that Anna would be concerned with some creeper at work when she was naked with a demon in her own bathroom.
Aaron: The only real flaw I can think of here is that it pretty much ends when it really starts. It builds up to something great, but I guess we will never know what that is. Also, I guess calling the bird a rok (even though not spelled "roc") felt unnecessary, and then describing it as a bird of myth. In a story where all major fantastical elements were (to my knowledge) unique, having something anchor it so clearly to our world felt odd.
lastflowers: This is a difficult story to judge because while I liked the rhythm of the language I still admit I have very little idea what was actually going on after a single read. I did admire the writing.
GRW810: That Rolling Stones joke was tops. I liked the prose in your description of heaven, but the vision of the afterlife came across as a bit of a cliche. But since my interpretation is that it was all in his head, it makes sense that this would be the case, but "it was all a dream" is also a bit played out, so I guess it's pick your poison here. If you want to see this as a didactic piece, I'm not sure was your intention the same as my interpretation, as I felt it pretty much argues that acts of goodness by religious people (who are actually just terrible people doing good because of delusion) are caused by self-interest.
Tangent: I liked the hypochondria and the seeming descent to madness, but I agree with Aaron that this is the kind of story that makes you wait for the punchline, and there really wasn't one. I don't feel there was much significance in him getting kicked out of the cafeteria, and as such it feels like it ended with a bit of a fizzle. I think you could try to go wild with how the story unfolds from here.
Mike M: That movie didn't actually sound like such a mess to me, could have worked as low budget schlock. I enjoyed the dialogue, though at times it became a bit too cute for its own good. I think there was a turtle, though I do not know why.
Ward: I liked the idea, but it felt like the story was lost in the telling, and the telling didn't come together as a story.
Carlisle: I liked it until the very end, at which point it came across a bit preachy. I also feel the punishment was disproportionate to the crime: he was clearly driven to murder out of desperation, and as such should not be beyond redemption.
Ourobolus: All's well that ends potato.
Ashes1396: I admire the way put the mystery together, though I had some issues with it. I admit I have very little experience with how detectives operate, but the way the guy went out for a walk with the suspect seemed a bit iffy to me, something in the interaction felt forced, like a TV show starring a child prodigy as a detective. I also feel you should have left the end more vague, the way the detective spells out the anonymous tipper is unnecessary. The way the Quran quotations were presented tickled me the wrong way: how the parts of the book were put in brackets took me out because I wondered did the guy actually say them after every line, or were they just added so a reader could look them up if they were so inclined? People who talk in quotations are obnoxious enough as they are, adding sources just makes it worse.
Cyan: This was a very entertaining read, but there were bits that distracted me even while reading it. Mostly that I have very little idea what kind of a person Modest was and what he was running away from, and the encounter with Peggy. At first I thought there was some Face/Off shenanigans going on, Modest somehow looking exactly like Peggy's brother. But I guess he's just a doppelganger, who just happened to run into that woman with a fully fleshed-out plan? Personally I don't mind unlikely developments in stories, especially with this theme, but I was left feeling like I missed something.
Votes:
1. Aaron
2. GRW810
3. lastflowers
HMs: Ashes1396, Cyan
Aaron: The only real flaw I can think of here is that it pretty much ends when it really starts. It builds up to something great, but I guess we will never know what that is. Also, I guess calling the bird a rok (even though not spelled "roc") felt unnecessary, and then describing it as a bird of myth. In a story where all major fantastical elements were (to my knowledge) unique, having something anchor it so clearly to our world felt odd.
lastflowers: This is a difficult story to judge because while I liked the rhythm of the language I still admit I have very little idea what was actually going on after a single read. I did admire the writing.
GRW810: That Rolling Stones joke was tops. I liked the prose in your description of heaven, but the vision of the afterlife came across as a bit of a cliche. But since my interpretation is that it was all in his head, it makes sense that this would be the case, but "it was all a dream" is also a bit played out, so I guess it's pick your poison here. If you want to see this as a didactic piece, I'm not sure was your intention the same as my interpretation, as I felt it pretty much argues that acts of goodness by religious people (who are actually just terrible people doing good because of delusion) are caused by self-interest.
Tangent: I liked the hypochondria and the seeming descent to madness, but I agree with Aaron that this is the kind of story that makes you wait for the punchline, and there really wasn't one. I don't feel there was much significance in him getting kicked out of the cafeteria, and as such it feels like it ended with a bit of a fizzle. I think you could try to go wild with how the story unfolds from here.
Mike M: That movie didn't actually sound like such a mess to me, could have worked as low budget schlock. I enjoyed the dialogue, though at times it became a bit too cute for its own good. I think there was a turtle, though I do not know why.
Ward: I liked the idea, but it felt like the story was lost in the telling, and the telling didn't come together as a story.
Carlisle: I liked it until the very end, at which point it came across a bit preachy. I also feel the punishment was disproportionate to the crime: he was clearly driven to murder out of desperation, and as such should not be beyond redemption.
Ourobolus: All's well that ends potato.
Ashes1396: I admire the way put the mystery together, though I had some issues with it. I admit I have very little experience with how detectives operate, but the way the guy went out for a walk with the suspect seemed a bit iffy to me, something in the interaction felt forced, like a TV show starring a child prodigy as a detective. I also feel you should have left the end more vague, the way the detective spells out the anonymous tipper is unnecessary. The way the Quran quotations were presented tickled me the wrong way: how the parts of the book were put in brackets took me out because I wondered did the guy actually say them after every line, or were they just added so a reader could look them up if they were so inclined? People who talk in quotations are obnoxious enough as they are, adding sources just makes it worse.
Cyan: This was a very entertaining read, but there were bits that distracted me even while reading it. Mostly that I have very little idea what kind of a person Modest was and what he was running away from, and the encounter with Peggy. At first I thought there was some Face/Off shenanigans going on, Modest somehow looking exactly like Peggy's brother. But I guess he's just a doppelganger, who just happened to run into that woman with a fully fleshed-out plan? Personally I don't mind unlikely developments in stories, especially with this theme, but I was left feeling like I missed something.
Votes:
1. Aaron
2. GRW810
3. lastflowers
HMs: Ashes1396, Cyan
lastflowers
Banned
Ashes, I really hoping to sell your story on Ebay.
evilpigking
Member
For some reason I can't figure out how to open Ashes' file. Does it use a nonstandard password?
lastflowers
Banned
password has to do with an abbreviated neogaf
evilpigking
Member
Got it, thanks I was going the wrong direction on my trials.
I try and open this, and I just get your SkyDrive account contents in a new window every time.
lastflowers
Banned
Creepy. Apparently mobile browsers just link to my public skydrive. Chrome/ie/firefox on Windows link to the MWord webapp though.
In that case, I'm going to leave the rest of my reading for tomorrow when I'm a little less delirious.
Also, thanks for the feedback (and JD). I agree... thought I struggled to think of what the punchline/ending could be. I agree that there isn't an immediate "punch." Actually, with most stories, I get an idea -- or several -- but often struggle to find an actual story line. Nothing in real life seems to have a story line complete with obstacle and solution, so it's hard to write stories with these features! Any thoughts?
So was not feeling it this time around
Im super Negative Nancy today, so apologies in advance.
evilpigking: At the core you had a good story here, but its plagued by technical issues. Missing punctuation, scenes changing with no spacers or transitions, and multiple speaking in a single paragraph are the first things that spring to mind. On a more subjective level, most of the time the dialog sounded kind of stilted to me. It just didnt seem to flow like people actually talk. Ending was easy to see coming as soon as the terms of the deal were proposed, but it had a kind of Tales From the Crypt charm to it regardless.
Aaron: Overall, it was a nice bit of world building that was mostly succeeded in not being derivative, but I dont think I understand how it can be a huge secret that the kingdom has a godling under lock and key that is the source of all prosperity when its apparently a whole big affair every decade for another godling to come and make a big fuss in public about it. Plus just the one godling was clearly more than a match for the best humans could throw at it, which begs the question of how they every lost power in the first place.
lastflowers: How does one elevate down? I was driven to distraction by the wide variety of seemingly nonsense metaphors and similes. A flaccid lamb yearning for driftwood? Act like the butterfly, die like the bee? It's borderline word salad that didn't seem to do anything more than inflate the word count and obscure the story rather than highlight it.
GRW810: Pretty sure Heaven should be capitalized for most of this : P I was weirdly put out of sorts by this, and I dont exactly know why. Maybe it was the fact that things were depicted as people having jobs and things being for sale in Heaven, implying that even when youre dead you still have to get up and go to work every day. Forever. Personally, I find that to be notion more akin to Hell than Paradise (and indeed, Ive seen multiple interpretations that are exactly that). My thought train predisposed as such, I thought you were building to something out of A Nice Place to Visit, but you ended up playing it straight with the redemption and repenting stuff. Ironically, that just infuriated me more than if you had actually ripped off the Twilight Zone. It just left the story hitting all the same notes in my head as one of those chain letter e-mails about a totally true story that happened to a friend of a friend of a friend about overcoming adversity because they believe in God or whatever, which just makes me want to punch puppies.
Tangent: How did someone this dumb get into college?
Mike M: I wanted something totally outrageous and ridiculous and funny, but it just wound up being stupid. Then it turned into some meta commentary about how my original story was stupid, which was somehow less interesting than the stupid original story itself. Plus the notion of Teddy as a superhero has been done before. Plus I ended up doing mythical figures at a diner thing again. Blech. The time I spent writing this I could have spent playing Dark Souls
Ward: The unconventional formatting was unnecessary, and ultimately a detriment as there was no real benefit to doing it this way that wouldnt have been improved by just writing it out as a conversation with a few movement actions and descriptions. Or even as a transcript of a broadcast. But of greater concern is that nothing much really happens here, its nothing but a dialog where what little action there was has already happened, and even then it was no great shakes.
Carlisle: Welcome aboard, newbie : ) This was a solid effort, nothing particularly deficient about it. I would say though that as far as eternal punishment goes, the guy got off pretty light. Yes, theres the torturous irony of reliving the memories of his victim for eternity, but its kind of the nature of the human condition that memories hurt less with the passage of time. I had some S-rank traumatic shit go down when I was a kid that had some long-lasting ramifications in my life that I would easily put on par with Jasons fate, but Im (more or less) a fully functioning member of society some scant 30+ years later. Well, there is the aforementioned urge to punch puppies, so I guess Im only mostly functioning. But Im sure with the benefit of eternity Id level out to par : )
Ourobolus: I legitimately love this one this week. Made me laugh when Im otherwise only in the mood to punch puppies.
Ashes1396: Its like watching an episode of Sherlock without running the risk of putting out ones eyeballs on Benedict Cumberbatchs freakishly inhuman zygomatic arches. Theres a mystery, the clues are logical and well explained, and even though its sort of an open-ended piece (loved the ending, BTW), theres a sense of resolution. Its the parlor scene of a mystery novel without all that tedious 300 pages of mystery that comes beforehand (Im really impatient.).
John Dunbar: The foremans philosophizing was a bit too much for me. Not so much the content of what he was saying so much as the verbiage he used made him come across as less the class warrior poet and more of a classically trained stage actor auditioning for the part of a foreman with an axe to grind against the rich. Or Tyler Durden.
Cyan: Eeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh The notion that this guy would be so alike Peggys brother in looks and voice that hed be able to fool people who clearly had worked very closely with the genuine article just randomly happening aboard the space station and being found by Peggy is just too much for me to swallow. Maybe if she had dropped some sort of line about orchestrating his arrival there after combing the masses of humanity scattered across the stars or something, but just by happenstance? And her being able to orchestrate the meeting on such short notice (or worse, already had the meeting scheduled?)? Nah. Modest had the charisma of a bowl of oatmeal, we literally knew nothing about the guy outside that he was a fugitive for some reason that almost certainly couldnt have involved anything that required a backbone, because he had none until it spontaneously generated at the end.
Picks:
1. Ashes
2. Aaron
3. Ourobolus
evilpigking: At the core you had a good story here, but its plagued by technical issues. Missing punctuation, scenes changing with no spacers or transitions, and multiple speaking in a single paragraph are the first things that spring to mind. On a more subjective level, most of the time the dialog sounded kind of stilted to me. It just didnt seem to flow like people actually talk. Ending was easy to see coming as soon as the terms of the deal were proposed, but it had a kind of Tales From the Crypt charm to it regardless.
Aaron: Overall, it was a nice bit of world building that was mostly succeeded in not being derivative, but I dont think I understand how it can be a huge secret that the kingdom has a godling under lock and key that is the source of all prosperity when its apparently a whole big affair every decade for another godling to come and make a big fuss in public about it. Plus just the one godling was clearly more than a match for the best humans could throw at it, which begs the question of how they every lost power in the first place.
lastflowers: How does one elevate down? I was driven to distraction by the wide variety of seemingly nonsense metaphors and similes. A flaccid lamb yearning for driftwood? Act like the butterfly, die like the bee? It's borderline word salad that didn't seem to do anything more than inflate the word count and obscure the story rather than highlight it.
GRW810: Pretty sure Heaven should be capitalized for most of this : P I was weirdly put out of sorts by this, and I dont exactly know why. Maybe it was the fact that things were depicted as people having jobs and things being for sale in Heaven, implying that even when youre dead you still have to get up and go to work every day. Forever. Personally, I find that to be notion more akin to Hell than Paradise (and indeed, Ive seen multiple interpretations that are exactly that). My thought train predisposed as such, I thought you were building to something out of A Nice Place to Visit, but you ended up playing it straight with the redemption and repenting stuff. Ironically, that just infuriated me more than if you had actually ripped off the Twilight Zone. It just left the story hitting all the same notes in my head as one of those chain letter e-mails about a totally true story that happened to a friend of a friend of a friend about overcoming adversity because they believe in God or whatever, which just makes me want to punch puppies.
Tangent: How did someone this dumb get into college?
Mike M: I wanted something totally outrageous and ridiculous and funny, but it just wound up being stupid. Then it turned into some meta commentary about how my original story was stupid, which was somehow less interesting than the stupid original story itself. Plus the notion of Teddy as a superhero has been done before. Plus I ended up doing mythical figures at a diner thing again. Blech. The time I spent writing this I could have spent playing Dark Souls
Ward: The unconventional formatting was unnecessary, and ultimately a detriment as there was no real benefit to doing it this way that wouldnt have been improved by just writing it out as a conversation with a few movement actions and descriptions. Or even as a transcript of a broadcast. But of greater concern is that nothing much really happens here, its nothing but a dialog where what little action there was has already happened, and even then it was no great shakes.
Carlisle: Welcome aboard, newbie : ) This was a solid effort, nothing particularly deficient about it. I would say though that as far as eternal punishment goes, the guy got off pretty light. Yes, theres the torturous irony of reliving the memories of his victim for eternity, but its kind of the nature of the human condition that memories hurt less with the passage of time. I had some S-rank traumatic shit go down when I was a kid that had some long-lasting ramifications in my life that I would easily put on par with Jasons fate, but Im (more or less) a fully functioning member of society some scant 30+ years later. Well, there is the aforementioned urge to punch puppies, so I guess Im only mostly functioning. But Im sure with the benefit of eternity Id level out to par : )
Ourobolus: I legitimately love this one this week. Made me laugh when Im otherwise only in the mood to punch puppies.
Ashes1396: Its like watching an episode of Sherlock without running the risk of putting out ones eyeballs on Benedict Cumberbatchs freakishly inhuman zygomatic arches. Theres a mystery, the clues are logical and well explained, and even though its sort of an open-ended piece (loved the ending, BTW), theres a sense of resolution. Its the parlor scene of a mystery novel without all that tedious 300 pages of mystery that comes beforehand (Im really impatient.).
John Dunbar: The foremans philosophizing was a bit too much for me. Not so much the content of what he was saying so much as the verbiage he used made him come across as less the class warrior poet and more of a classically trained stage actor auditioning for the part of a foreman with an axe to grind against the rich. Or Tyler Durden.
Cyan: Eeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh The notion that this guy would be so alike Peggys brother in looks and voice that hed be able to fool people who clearly had worked very closely with the genuine article just randomly happening aboard the space station and being found by Peggy is just too much for me to swallow. Maybe if she had dropped some sort of line about orchestrating his arrival there after combing the masses of humanity scattered across the stars or something, but just by happenstance? And her being able to orchestrate the meeting on such short notice (or worse, already had the meeting scheduled?)? Nah. Modest had the charisma of a bowl of oatmeal, we literally knew nothing about the guy outside that he was a fugitive for some reason that almost certainly couldnt have involved anything that required a backbone, because he had none until it spontaneously generated at the end.
Picks:
1. Ashes
2. Aaron
3. Ourobolus
evilpigking
Member
GRW810: One of the few that took a turn for the better, I wonder what that says about this particular group....Thoroughly enjoyed this one, my criticism is to do a quick spelling/grammar check because there appeared to be a few errors.
Aaron: I feel as there is a lot more story to be told. Very impressive, the large amount of world building in so little space, many fantasy writers should be ashamed. It would be interesting to know what power the captured godling had that provided such protection.
Carlisle: Interesting twist. The punishment seemed a bit light though if he had continued on with other victims later. I guess I'd have liked to know more about the narrator but it wasn't really necessary for the story being told.
Tangent: I enjoyed the downward thought spiral and his determination on cause but it felt unfinished. A local conclusion could work well even if it wasn't meant to be the end of the story for me.
Ward: Hard to follow. I had difficulty figuring out the flow and who was saying what, if it was internal monologue or spoken. I think it could work better for me if it were actually a play since it seemed like it was going that way stylistically but didn't quite go that far.
Cyan: Quick pacing and logical decisions from the characters. A bit of suspension of disbelief that a common aide wouldn't recognize him. Perhaps a quick line about doing business remotely or something that would imply she doesn't really know his appearance.
lastflowers: I'm a fan of meta books ala Princess Bride but this was hard to follow. At first I thought the writer/editor was the narrator but it wasn't and the writing was extremely dense and what I'll call "jump cutty"
Mike M: Not going to lie, I found myself looking forward to the next adventure the turtle would undertake. I think the framing story is serviceable but isn't given enough time to really develop a connection between Callie and Dave to give it more weight. The embedded story is off the walls and I found myself wondering what would happen next for the sheer absurdity of it all.
John Dunbar: Liked that it rapidly and succinctly developed the characters (a skill I still lack) and as a whole could work as a stand alone or a prelude to something more. The only thing that struck me was Arne's belief that the explosion would link to the work site when mending a road usually doesn't involve demolitions, but I don't work in that field so what do I know really.
Ashes1396: This one was interesting for me. Felt like it was really two loosely connected but separate stories, perhaps by design. The "Tell" section read quickly with the reader following logical jump to jump while physically moving from location to location as the characters did. "Show" didn't work as well for me and while I thought the setting was quickly brought to life the initial paragraph didn't really add much to the story for me.
Ourobolus: Gotta say I laughed.
1. GRW810
2. Ashes1396
3. Aaron
As for myself: The story was kind of everything I wanted and yet nothing done right. It started off with a thought of "what kind of demon deal would actually sound palatable to most people" because condemning yourself to hell for eternity in exchange to removing someone/something else just frankly sounds like a piss poor deal. Then I was stuck with trying to convince the reader why someone would actually agree to a deal even with less stringent terms. Plus the devil always pays his bills so it had to go bad somehow. But in the end I couldn't satisfy any of the things I really wanted to say correctly.
Alternative story was without the demon, she just kills the dude then comes in to work the next day and finds his ghost there constantly molesting her.
Aaron: I feel as there is a lot more story to be told. Very impressive, the large amount of world building in so little space, many fantasy writers should be ashamed. It would be interesting to know what power the captured godling had that provided such protection.
Carlisle: Interesting twist. The punishment seemed a bit light though if he had continued on with other victims later. I guess I'd have liked to know more about the narrator but it wasn't really necessary for the story being told.
Tangent: I enjoyed the downward thought spiral and his determination on cause but it felt unfinished. A local conclusion could work well even if it wasn't meant to be the end of the story for me.
Ward: Hard to follow. I had difficulty figuring out the flow and who was saying what, if it was internal monologue or spoken. I think it could work better for me if it were actually a play since it seemed like it was going that way stylistically but didn't quite go that far.
Cyan: Quick pacing and logical decisions from the characters. A bit of suspension of disbelief that a common aide wouldn't recognize him. Perhaps a quick line about doing business remotely or something that would imply she doesn't really know his appearance.
lastflowers: I'm a fan of meta books ala Princess Bride but this was hard to follow. At first I thought the writer/editor was the narrator but it wasn't and the writing was extremely dense and what I'll call "jump cutty"
Mike M: Not going to lie, I found myself looking forward to the next adventure the turtle would undertake. I think the framing story is serviceable but isn't given enough time to really develop a connection between Callie and Dave to give it more weight. The embedded story is off the walls and I found myself wondering what would happen next for the sheer absurdity of it all.
John Dunbar: Liked that it rapidly and succinctly developed the characters (a skill I still lack) and as a whole could work as a stand alone or a prelude to something more. The only thing that struck me was Arne's belief that the explosion would link to the work site when mending a road usually doesn't involve demolitions, but I don't work in that field so what do I know really.
Ashes1396: This one was interesting for me. Felt like it was really two loosely connected but separate stories, perhaps by design. The "Tell" section read quickly with the reader following logical jump to jump while physically moving from location to location as the characters did. "Show" didn't work as well for me and while I thought the setting was quickly brought to life the initial paragraph didn't really add much to the story for me.
Ourobolus: Gotta say I laughed.
1. GRW810
2. Ashes1396
3. Aaron
As for myself: The story was kind of everything I wanted and yet nothing done right. It started off with a thought of "what kind of demon deal would actually sound palatable to most people" because condemning yourself to hell for eternity in exchange to removing someone/something else just frankly sounds like a piss poor deal. Then I was stuck with trying to convince the reader why someone would actually agree to a deal even with less stringent terms. Plus the devil always pays his bills so it had to go bad somehow. But in the end I couldn't satisfy any of the things I really wanted to say correctly.
Alternative story was without the demon, she just kills the dude then comes in to work the next day and finds his ghost there constantly molesting her.
lastflowers
Banned
1 Ashes - "Show and Tell"
2 Dunbar - "Palaces in the Air"
3 Ward - "...kind of a Dick"
2 Dunbar - "Palaces in the Air"
3 Ward - "...kind of a Dick"
Palaces in the air - I honestly didn't get it. It's clear from the other reviews that it is something simple and so I'm baffled as to why I didn't get it.
Last day - an interesting take; could do with a little shedding.
Meal ticket - medical student's disease eh? I just don't have a funny bone. Sorry.
Matchsticks - Stylish to the Nth degree. Perhaps it left us wanting in the substance area.
Last day - an interesting take; could do with a little shedding.
Meal ticket - medical student's disease eh? I just don't have a funny bone. Sorry.
Matchsticks - Stylish to the Nth degree. Perhaps it left us wanting in the substance area.
As a first-timer, if you don't make it you will be banned from participating in future challenges forever.
No, not really.
1) John Dunbar
2) Carlisle
3) Ashes
I don't do HMs because anyone not given one knows they weren't even close to being voted for. But apart from JD, whose story stood head and shoulders above the competition for me, it was a close call between my second place and stories that didn't make the top three. So don't be disheartened or resentful, it was a close call. I'll try to get observations done but time is limited.
2) Carlisle
3) Ashes
I don't do HMs because anyone not given one knows they weren't even close to being voted for. But apart from JD, whose story stood head and shoulders above the competition for me, it was a close call between my second place and stories that didn't make the top three. So don't be disheartened or resentful, it was a close call. I'll try to get observations done but time is limited.
Perhaps I uploaded an early draft. The Quran Source mention was supposed to be inside speech marks. Not as a reference to readers, but as a reflection of the character in question. Put simply: this is how he talks.
Secondary information for the reader would be footnoted. I don't understand why that makes him obnoxious though. He has an unnatural way of talking, rather like formal book text; I suppose in his mind, he is a teacher preaching to his student. Would he be different with a Buddhist quote? I don't think so. But that is neither here nor there. Each to their own. I'm so very distant from my stories, sometimes I forget to judge the characters in them!
@ everyone else: I just wanted to say that for me personally, stories very rarely stand head and shoulders above one another. It's very difficult for me to cut the list down to three. That is also why I like a full list of results at the end, rather than the top three.
Sorry I'm so late! Wow that was hard to narrow down to just 3. Is it always like this? I need to plan out more time for the readings. HMs to everyone. This was a blast.
1) Aaron
2) John Dunbar
3) Mike M
evilpigking, He's in the details: I liked the twilight zone feel to the story and the classic "careful what you wish for" twist. But I found it hard to "buy" Anna's motives. She seemed to go from annoyed with the guy to talking herself out of murder pretty quick. Towards the end I came to accept it and the rest was gravy, but at first it sounded odd to me.
Aaron, Golden Eyes and Bloody Tears: The world building was great and really imaginative for such a short word limit. The story left me wondering about the significance of some of the lore that you mentioned, though: the head gashes on the godlings, the ghosts accompanying Oda, how the guy in the ship seemed to know about the birds and no one else did. They all seemed to hint at the promise of later significance to me.
lastflowers, Matchsticks: Very cool style, but it was hard for me to follow the story. The prose was almost getting in the way of the story at some points. I feel like something simple, like little more punctuation, would go a long way to clearing up a lot of my confusion.
GRW810, John Lennon Plays Here on Thursdays: Wonderfully written, and a great twist. My only real issue is that it took seeing heaven to convince him to be a good person, which made me like him less in the end. I wonder how much it would change the impact if you left out the last two paragraphs.
Tangent, ”Meal Ticket”: You did a great job painting the madness of a hypochondriac in a funny way. All his mental leaps from one ridiculous conclusion to the next made a twisted sort of sense that made me laugh. I just thought the ending fell flat. There was a great build up to some potentially wacky ending, but either I missed the punch line entirely or there wasn't one. Unless the "reversal" was that we were set up to expect a grand finale and then didn't get one, in which case you'd be an evil genius.
Mike M, Mused: I really enjoyed the dialogue and interaction between the two characters. The script he was trying to fix was amazingly bad and I'm still curious about what in the world it could be that he thought of to fix it, but it know that's not the point.
Ward, I Used to Like the Guy, but He’s kind of a Dick: At first Darren's character seemed embarrassed to be there, but by the end he seemed to embrace it, so he was hard to believe for me. Also the ending went way over my head. I just chalked it up me not being a very smart man, though it sounded like I'd have liked it if I got it.
Ourobolus, Bill's Potato: Short and sweet, but I was confused about what kind of story Bill was trying to write. A fucking story or a fucking story. Because if his wife is dead, that could have been his muse and now he'll never get it done. But then that opens up the possibility of mistresses...or even secret male suitors. Or animals? You've really painted a picture of possibilities by hinting at so many things and saying so little, having our minds fill in the blanks. This is one dirty story, you sick bastard. Also I think my critique is more words than your story.
Ashes1396, Show and Tell: The story really hooked me right off the bat. The dialogue was great and carried me along at a good pace, giving me a little here and there but not too much at once so I had moments to think about the plot. I was a bit confused by Mo, though. At the start he seemed like some little kid getting yelled at by his dad and his imam and immediately after he's almost a different person, confident and cool and able to banter with and outthink a police officer.
John Dunbar, Palaces in the Air: Really well written with very vivid language and an unexpected message. It was an enjoyable read from start to finish. It was a bit odd to have a construction foreman of all people be so deep and metaphorical, but the character was so good it worked out.
Cyan, Far from the Righteous Path: Great story and pacing. It was a little hard to believe that he could really look that much like her brother, though. And also, if they had a switch to block all communication, why not just have it on at all times? Other than that I thoroughly enjoyed it.
1) Aaron
2) John Dunbar
3) Mike M
evilpigking, He's in the details: I liked the twilight zone feel to the story and the classic "careful what you wish for" twist. But I found it hard to "buy" Anna's motives. She seemed to go from annoyed with the guy to talking herself out of murder pretty quick. Towards the end I came to accept it and the rest was gravy, but at first it sounded odd to me.
Aaron, Golden Eyes and Bloody Tears: The world building was great and really imaginative for such a short word limit. The story left me wondering about the significance of some of the lore that you mentioned, though: the head gashes on the godlings, the ghosts accompanying Oda, how the guy in the ship seemed to know about the birds and no one else did. They all seemed to hint at the promise of later significance to me.
lastflowers, Matchsticks: Very cool style, but it was hard for me to follow the story. The prose was almost getting in the way of the story at some points. I feel like something simple, like little more punctuation, would go a long way to clearing up a lot of my confusion.
GRW810, John Lennon Plays Here on Thursdays: Wonderfully written, and a great twist. My only real issue is that it took seeing heaven to convince him to be a good person, which made me like him less in the end. I wonder how much it would change the impact if you left out the last two paragraphs.
Tangent, ”Meal Ticket”: You did a great job painting the madness of a hypochondriac in a funny way. All his mental leaps from one ridiculous conclusion to the next made a twisted sort of sense that made me laugh. I just thought the ending fell flat. There was a great build up to some potentially wacky ending, but either I missed the punch line entirely or there wasn't one. Unless the "reversal" was that we were set up to expect a grand finale and then didn't get one, in which case you'd be an evil genius.
Mike M, Mused: I really enjoyed the dialogue and interaction between the two characters. The script he was trying to fix was amazingly bad and I'm still curious about what in the world it could be that he thought of to fix it, but it know that's not the point.
Ward, I Used to Like the Guy, but He’s kind of a Dick: At first Darren's character seemed embarrassed to be there, but by the end he seemed to embrace it, so he was hard to believe for me. Also the ending went way over my head. I just chalked it up me not being a very smart man, though it sounded like I'd have liked it if I got it.
Ourobolus, Bill's Potato: Short and sweet, but I was confused about what kind of story Bill was trying to write. A fucking story or a fucking story. Because if his wife is dead, that could have been his muse and now he'll never get it done. But then that opens up the possibility of mistresses...or even secret male suitors. Or animals? You've really painted a picture of possibilities by hinting at so many things and saying so little, having our minds fill in the blanks. This is one dirty story, you sick bastard. Also I think my critique is more words than your story.
Ashes1396, Show and Tell: The story really hooked me right off the bat. The dialogue was great and carried me along at a good pace, giving me a little here and there but not too much at once so I had moments to think about the plot. I was a bit confused by Mo, though. At the start he seemed like some little kid getting yelled at by his dad and his imam and immediately after he's almost a different person, confident and cool and able to banter with and outthink a police officer.
John Dunbar, Palaces in the Air: Really well written with very vivid language and an unexpected message. It was an enjoyable read from start to finish. It was a bit odd to have a construction foreman of all people be so deep and metaphorical, but the character was so good it worked out.
Cyan, Far from the Righteous Path: Great story and pacing. It was a little hard to believe that he could really look that much like her brother, though. And also, if they had a switch to block all communication, why not just have it on at all times? Other than that I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Mused - the ending was so obvious, due to the theme rather than the story itself I'll admit; nonetheless I enjoyed the rest of the story anyway. The writing melted away leaving only the story. I wish I could do this (whisking away the reader) without relying on plot device to engage the reader. Cyan can do this sometimes; I can pay no greater compliment than that. So keep that in mind, eh? When or if writing ever gets to you.
Golden Eyes and bloody tears - I kept thinking, that this would be rather cool as a piece of film; and whilst the writing was alright (I particularly liked the Bell metaphor); it was all one big hollywood action piece: so with neither the depth of drama, nor much of an interesting unique world, I found it a dull read.
Votes
1. Mused - effortless, endearing, honest comment on writing. Felt like a memoir
2. He's in the details - just a good old Satisfying twist.
3. John Lennon plays here Thursdays - A good all round piece.
Hm. Palaces in the Air - I suppose one can enjoy a story without fully understanding it. A worthy honourary mention.
Golden Eyes and bloody tears - I kept thinking, that this would be rather cool as a piece of film; and whilst the writing was alright (I particularly liked the Bell metaphor); it was all one big hollywood action piece: so with neither the depth of drama, nor much of an interesting unique world, I found it a dull read.
Votes
1. Mused - effortless, endearing, honest comment on writing. Felt like a memoir
2. He's in the details - just a good old Satisfying twist.
3. John Lennon plays here Thursdays - A good all round piece.
Hm. Palaces in the Air - I suppose one can enjoy a story without fully understanding it. A worthy honourary mention.
I didn't mean to suggest HMs are wrong, just that it's a personal choice for me. Hope it wasn't taken as a criticism.
Also I didn't mean to offend or belittle anyone or suggest JD was the only good entry. The opposite in fact; I had to choose between half a dozen options for second and third.
I was so offended that I have decided never to vote for you ever again as long as I live!!!!
On a more serious note, I've just about pissed off anybody and everybody one time or another with my crits or comments. & it doesn't seem to do me any harm. I honestly don't think anyone's that bothered. Let alone trying to qualify or justify HMS. On the contrary I encourage more Ballsy crits aimed at my stories at least. Tell me how you really feel - it's way more important than how I compared to the rest of the stories that particular week. Don't feel like you ever need to sugar coat things for me either. I of course am not like all posters. So each to their own. Not all stories need a hyper critical eye neither.
Votes:
Ourobulus all the way!
1. John Dunbar
2. Carlisle
3. Ashes
Hm. Aaron, GRW810
Feedback:
Carlisle Last Day: Wow, this was so gripping until the very end. I liked the twist you had at the every end.
John Dunbar Palaces in the Air: very captivating story. I liked everything about it. I felt like the Arnes predicament was like Abrahams predicament with God. But why did the foreman have so much power over him? Also, the Buddhist talk and the specific language used seemed slightly out of place but it wasnt a big deal Im just being picky. Its just that it flowed so well and the dialog seemed to disrupt that a bit. I very much like how you described the evening ocean air. I had to read it twice since the description was so good.
Ashes Show and Tell: You sure have a knack for dialog. The opening page was a hit. It would have been good for the last challenge in that it really hooked me.
Ourobolus Bills Potato: This was absolutely brilliant. Im not sure if you meant this as a joke submission, but it is honestly amazing. My favorite line was, he cried a little. (After his wife died.) This was so good that I read it several times. It cracked me up.
Lastflowers Matchsticks: I liked the theme that you were portraying here and the ideas that you had. But some parts were difficult for me to follow. I wish I could provide more specific feedback but words are failing me right now.
Aaron Golden Eyes and Bloody Tears: The world you built is very vivid and immediately gripping. I liked the entire story line but felt that it might have worked better as a longer story. I liked the concept of the godling, and it would have been fun to explore the godlings perspective a bit more in a longer piece, and also to flesh out some details that were a little confusing to me, but that could have just been me anyway!
Mike M Mused: I liked the turtle! The opening seemed a bit out of place getting Daves impression/perspectives before really knowing Dave felt abrupt. But maybe thats just how it goes. Because of the addition of the turtle, and how the script was so absurd, I actually thought something absurd would happen with the turtle too.
Cyan Far from the Righteous Path: My favorite part was your quick pace that kept me hooked. The last line was great. I liked how there was all this cryptic talk but I got a little confused.
GRW810 John Lennon Plays Here: I liked the casual atmosphere and you transitioned the character from heaven back to regular life very well.
Ward I Used to Like this Guy but Hes Kind of a Dick: I liked the transition from totally embarrassed to totally digging his role.
Ourobulus all the way!
1. John Dunbar
2. Carlisle
3. Ashes
Hm. Aaron, GRW810
Feedback:
Carlisle Last Day: Wow, this was so gripping until the very end. I liked the twist you had at the every end.
John Dunbar Palaces in the Air: very captivating story. I liked everything about it. I felt like the Arnes predicament was like Abrahams predicament with God. But why did the foreman have so much power over him? Also, the Buddhist talk and the specific language used seemed slightly out of place but it wasnt a big deal Im just being picky. Its just that it flowed so well and the dialog seemed to disrupt that a bit. I very much like how you described the evening ocean air. I had to read it twice since the description was so good.
Ashes Show and Tell: You sure have a knack for dialog. The opening page was a hit. It would have been good for the last challenge in that it really hooked me.
Ourobolus Bills Potato: This was absolutely brilliant. Im not sure if you meant this as a joke submission, but it is honestly amazing. My favorite line was, he cried a little. (After his wife died.) This was so good that I read it several times. It cracked me up.
Lastflowers Matchsticks: I liked the theme that you were portraying here and the ideas that you had. But some parts were difficult for me to follow. I wish I could provide more specific feedback but words are failing me right now.
Aaron Golden Eyes and Bloody Tears: The world you built is very vivid and immediately gripping. I liked the entire story line but felt that it might have worked better as a longer story. I liked the concept of the godling, and it would have been fun to explore the godlings perspective a bit more in a longer piece, and also to flesh out some details that were a little confusing to me, but that could have just been me anyway!
Mike M Mused: I liked the turtle! The opening seemed a bit out of place getting Daves impression/perspectives before really knowing Dave felt abrupt. But maybe thats just how it goes. Because of the addition of the turtle, and how the script was so absurd, I actually thought something absurd would happen with the turtle too.
Cyan Far from the Righteous Path: My favorite part was your quick pace that kept me hooked. The last line was great. I liked how there was all this cryptic talk but I got a little confused.
GRW810 John Lennon Plays Here: I liked the casual atmosphere and you transitioned the character from heaven back to regular life very well.
Ward I Used to Like this Guy but Hes Kind of a Dick: I liked the transition from totally embarrassed to totally digging his role.
Since we are almost twelve hours past the deadline...
The Results:
1.) John Dunbar - Palaces in the Air
2.) Ashes1396 - Show and Tell
3.)Aaron - Golden Eyes and Bloody Tears
Vote Count:
John Dunbar - 16 (4)
Ashes1396 - 12 (2)
Aaron - 9 (2)
GRW810 - 6 (1)
Carlisle - 5
Mike M - 4 (1)
Ward - 2
Cyan - 2
evilpigking - 2
lastflowers - 1
Ourobolus - 1
Congratulation on a spectacular comback John Dunbar.
The Results:
1.) John Dunbar - Palaces in the Air
2.) Ashes1396 - Show and Tell
3.)Aaron - Golden Eyes and Bloody Tears
Vote Count:
John Dunbar - 16 (4)
Ashes1396 - 12 (2)
Aaron - 9 (2)
GRW810 - 6 (1)
Carlisle - 5
Mike M - 4 (1)
Ward - 2
Cyan - 2
evilpigking - 2
lastflowers - 1
Ourobolus - 1
Congratulation on a spectacular comback John Dunbar.
- Status