Sorry about not providing the critiques earlier - and Aaron's right, I tend to like these threads for the critiques, so I should probably make more of an effort to provide my own (though I stand by that I have been pretty damn busy the past few weeks).
ANYWAY
Aaron - I don't think I've ever had a problem with your writing, and this time isn't any different - though a bit of the dialogue seemed...campy? Is that the word? Just out of place. I like the overall philosophical arc, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the underlying plot was taken from Persona 4
. And maybe I'm just dense, but the last "quote" found on the wall didn't make much sense to me within the context of the story. I get that the killer fried up the victim's fat and ate it, but the quote doesn't make any logical sense to me (and I'm guessing it doesn't make sense to Hong, given the final line of the story), but maybe I'm missing what its inclusion meant. I've been dense before, though.
Valerie Cherish - I like the concept, of a guy who essentially wants to go out on his own terms (although being a total dick to the guy he's leaving behind by potentially scarring him for life), but the actual writing of the story was what held me back from enjoying it. Just poor spelling, grammar, and punctuation kept jarring me from each paragraph, forcing me to re-read it just to figure out what was trying to be said.
Cyan - Needs world-building. The story itself is decent enough, and I liked the sorcerer's plight, but it could definitely use some background. Did the cat bring the grimoire to the sorcerer to help him with controlling the demon in an effort to eat the enemy? It wasn't really clear what Mariel brought the damned thing for.
Bootaaay - I would suggest you read Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchet. Especially the parts regarding Famine. Anyway, the humans-are-worse-than-demons story has been told time and time again. Your writing is just fine, but the concept could have used some subtlety, metaphor, or something to distinguish itself.
Mike M - Way too much exposition to lead up to the climax. Way too many characters to provide detail to, only to have them mentioned for a moment later on. The problem I had was it felt like you were trying to be clever with the naming, but it was pretty obvious that it wasn't clever, so I don't know what the actual thought process was - whether or not it was intended to be obvious. I'll give you points on "Hubert" though. Took me a second. I think the story just needed a bit more balance, and possible a higher word count to flesh out the conflict just a little more.
ZeroRay - This one was...very weird. I read your post earlier about what you intended the story to be, but it was definitely not that obvious in the reading. I thought it was some sort of bet between the two characters who were acting in a play of some sort. But then there was something about Daggermoony eating the meat, and I was confused as to how much of it was a "play" and what was introduced to the play because Shadrich was a jerk, or...I don't know. I was pretty confused at the end.
Carlisle - I feel like I need to take you to a strip joint. Or I need to go to whatever one you went to so I can find that secret room. Anyway, I can understand the feelings of loss one has, though the methods Will had to fill that hole were...strange, at least - as was the reaction of the stripper to his plight. But by far the biggest offender was the massive escalation at the end of the story - I didn't feel like there was sufficient buildup to Will suddenly pulling a gun (also, wouldn't she have noticed a gun during the lap dance?), as him having it means that he planned this, yet I wasn't sure whether the final act was premeditated or him finally snapping. It was soundly written, but the pieces didn't fit together as well as I'd have liked.
Nezumi - Nezumi's Fables. Cute little story. That poor, stupid, soon-to-explode goat.
Tangent - I understand the lesson you were going for, but I think it took far too long to get to that lesson. I didn't understand what the purpose of the caterpillar's conversation was for, nor why Ibo was such a jackass. I got it, but it just needs some fine-tuning. (Mike: Yes, you can work clay too much, since you have to keep applying water to ensure it's pliable to mould, which after too long will compromise the structural integrity of the clay)
Ashes - 90% of this was dialogue, and it would have been much better at, say...50%. There's just too much of it. The long tirade by the woman seemed really out of place in what had been primarily short, curt statements. I'll have to echo Aaron when I say the "sex addict" line was really out of place. I understand the overall point of the story, and the characters' motivations and actions, but a lot of it was obscured by the inconsequential pieces of dialogue. And I've read your stuff for weeks now, and I know you can do dialogue better.
ANYWAY
Aaron - I don't think I've ever had a problem with your writing, and this time isn't any different - though a bit of the dialogue seemed...campy? Is that the word? Just out of place. I like the overall philosophical arc, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the underlying plot was taken from Persona 4
. And maybe I'm just dense, but the last "quote" found on the wall didn't make much sense to me within the context of the story. I get that the killer fried up the victim's fat and ate it, but the quote doesn't make any logical sense to me (and I'm guessing it doesn't make sense to Hong, given the final line of the story), but maybe I'm missing what its inclusion meant. I've been dense before, though.Valerie Cherish - I like the concept, of a guy who essentially wants to go out on his own terms (although being a total dick to the guy he's leaving behind by potentially scarring him for life), but the actual writing of the story was what held me back from enjoying it. Just poor spelling, grammar, and punctuation kept jarring me from each paragraph, forcing me to re-read it just to figure out what was trying to be said.
Cyan - Needs world-building. The story itself is decent enough, and I liked the sorcerer's plight, but it could definitely use some background. Did the cat bring the grimoire to the sorcerer to help him with controlling the demon in an effort to eat the enemy? It wasn't really clear what Mariel brought the damned thing for.
Bootaaay - I would suggest you read Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchet. Especially the parts regarding Famine. Anyway, the humans-are-worse-than-demons story has been told time and time again. Your writing is just fine, but the concept could have used some subtlety, metaphor, or something to distinguish itself.
Mike M - Way too much exposition to lead up to the climax. Way too many characters to provide detail to, only to have them mentioned for a moment later on. The problem I had was it felt like you were trying to be clever with the naming, but it was pretty obvious that it wasn't clever, so I don't know what the actual thought process was - whether or not it was intended to be obvious. I'll give you points on "Hubert" though. Took me a second. I think the story just needed a bit more balance, and possible a higher word count to flesh out the conflict just a little more.
ZeroRay - This one was...very weird. I read your post earlier about what you intended the story to be, but it was definitely not that obvious in the reading. I thought it was some sort of bet between the two characters who were acting in a play of some sort. But then there was something about Daggermoony eating the meat, and I was confused as to how much of it was a "play" and what was introduced to the play because Shadrich was a jerk, or...I don't know. I was pretty confused at the end.
Carlisle - I feel like I need to take you to a strip joint. Or I need to go to whatever one you went to so I can find that secret room. Anyway, I can understand the feelings of loss one has, though the methods Will had to fill that hole were...strange, at least - as was the reaction of the stripper to his plight. But by far the biggest offender was the massive escalation at the end of the story - I didn't feel like there was sufficient buildup to Will suddenly pulling a gun (also, wouldn't she have noticed a gun during the lap dance?), as him having it means that he planned this, yet I wasn't sure whether the final act was premeditated or him finally snapping. It was soundly written, but the pieces didn't fit together as well as I'd have liked.
Nezumi - Nezumi's Fables. Cute little story. That poor, stupid, soon-to-explode goat.
Tangent - I understand the lesson you were going for, but I think it took far too long to get to that lesson. I didn't understand what the purpose of the caterpillar's conversation was for, nor why Ibo was such a jackass. I got it, but it just needs some fine-tuning. (Mike: Yes, you can work clay too much, since you have to keep applying water to ensure it's pliable to mould, which after too long will compromise the structural integrity of the clay)
Ashes - 90% of this was dialogue, and it would have been much better at, say...50%. There's just too much of it. The long tirade by the woman seemed really out of place in what had been primarily short, curt statements. I'll have to echo Aaron when I say the "sex addict" line was really out of place. I understand the overall point of the story, and the characters' motivations and actions, but a lot of it was obscured by the inconsequential pieces of dialogue. And I've read your stuff for weeks now, and I know you can do dialogue better.