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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge 19 - "The Grey Area"

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nitewulf

Member
Word Count: 2678

Old Friends

New Bombay, way down bellow the floating Transit Hub, through layers of silky clouds, was a glittering behemoth. Smoky in parts, it was carved out by winding rivers and metallic super-highways that looked alive due to the constant stream of moving lights. Miroslav Ivanovich stood motionless for a few moments, looking through the transparent platform at the city.

He took the sky-elevator down to street level. The first yellow cab broke off from a long chain of yellow cabs, momentarily breaking off the illusion of a giant, hovering, mechanical caterpillar, and floated up beside him.

“Where to chief?”

“Chinatown.”

“Hop in.”

The alloy super-highway shone brilliantly under the LED streetlights as the cab blazed at a dizzying speed. Everything was a melancholy tint of blue. Ivanovich soaked in the atmosphere. Downtown was predictably cluttered with mega-skyscrapers, super structures of glass and carbon that rose high above, almost touching the night sky.

“That’ll be 15 credits.”

Ivanovich paid the driver and walked out.

Much like international hotel chains, Chinatowns always looked the same. Ivanovich looked across the square at the food vendors frying and grilling tasty morsels of meats and noodles, at the bright, welcoming restaurant and bar signs randomly scattered all over the area. He stood for a moment and breathed in the spicy air. Then, he started walking towards a busy intersection, took a left at Altamont Street and took the third left into a narrow alley. After a bit of walking and sidestepping puddles formed by melting ice from all the fish vendors, he noticed the blinking pink “Club Mono” sign, bordered by glittering blue and yellow interweaving rectangles. Ivanovich went in.

The bar was almost empty, sans a few gloomy looking creatures of the night. Ivanovich ordered a whiskey on the rocks. Few minutes later, a scrawny man came in and sat next to him.

“It sure is hot in here.” he mumbled.

“May be you need to wait for a cool breeze.” Ivanovich replied without looking.

The man hissed, “Follow me.”, and left.

Ivanovich followed the man, through winding alleys and back streets until they stopped at a small rectangular court-yard. The court-yard was shaded by the surrounding decrepit brick walls that were breaking down in places, and lit by feeble lights coming through the windows of various run down apartment buildings.

“You have a package for me.”, the whole thing smelled like a trap, but Ivanovich needed the package. He had no choice but play along.

“Sure, sure. I have your package. But...wave weapons are hard to come by these days, boss. We have to renegotiate the price.”

“This isn’t a very good way of doing business. If you wanna stay in this business for a while, you actually have to build up trust by keeping your word.”

“Heh, that’s well and good boss, but supply and demand you see. I have something you need, I know you wont get it anywhere else. So...”

“Fine, how much do you want?”

“Triple.”

Ivanovich whistled softly. He wasn’t authorized to spend that kind of credit.

“Ok, show me the weapon.”

The man pointed into a shadowy corner, another man came out from the shadows with a metallic cylinder. He clicked a button somewhere, and the cylinder neatly opened in half, revealing something, it was too dark to see.

“I need to see it.”, Ivanovich walked closer.

“That’s far enough boss, you’re covered.” The scrawny man warned Ivanovich and motioned his partner to walk closer with the cylindrical case. There was a grip inside the case, polished alloy the color of obsidian. It glinted dully.

“I need to see if it works, turn it on.”

The scrawny man jerked his head at his partner. His partner picked up the grip from the case and dropped the case on the floor. He activated the metallic grip and suddenly there was a tiny hum in the air. Like hundreds of bees buzzing. The area in front of the grip was hazy, the micro-meter thin carbon polymer blade was almost imperceptible. It oscillated too fast for human senses. Ivanovich calmly took one step forward and kicked the scrawny man onto the invisible blade.

Military grade nano-devices in his bloodstream, dormant till now, activated instantly. The rest was almost programmed, senses were enhanced, distances were calculated, application of necessary force and muscular pressure determined and enforced on the fly. He dived and rolled immediately to the back of the man holding the blade as shots whizzed into thin air. Ivanovich rose up near instantly, held the other man’s sword hand and snapped his neck before he had a chance to react.

The scrawny man was sliced cleanly from left shoulder to liver. His upper torso slowly slipped away from the rest of his body with a sickening, sleek motion.

Ivanovich made a few mental adjustments and threw the blade at the corner where the shots came from, shielding himself with the inert body of the second man.

A muffled gurgle followed the soft sound of sliced muscle tissue and bones. Then everything was quiet, aside from the soft drone of the vibrating blade.

Old habits died hard. Ivanovich crouched motionless.

He picked up the case, away from the quickening pool of crimson, walked towards the sword. It lay, the blade vibrating calmly within the ruins of what used to be a young man.

On his way out, he looked back and stared hard at the scene of carnage left behind by someone he did not like very much, the fact everything worked out in his favor, no one left alive to identify him did not make him like the person any better.

Calmly Ivanovich made his way out of Chinatown onto Broad Street. Multitudes of vendors were selling everything from street foods to bootlegged accessories to dubious orgasm enhancers. Enhanced prostitutes, reconstructed in images of popular Bollywood superstars lined the corners.

A statuesque brunette approached Ivanovich, her angular face stunning under the harsh neon, blemish free, perfect. Dark eyes glittering as nearby strobe lights flashed off of her irises. Her moist lips glistened. They were sex.

“What’s the matter cowboy, don’t you want your cock sucked by Miss India? I look exactly like her, I promise. I suck exactly like her too, from what I hear.” She whispered scandalously as Ivanovich tried to make his way through.

“May be another time sweetheart, I have a meeting.”

New Bombay throbbed. It was sweaty and chaotic. The air was thick with the smell of food, sex and objects, everything was being bought or sold. Cars and personal transports zoomed by as Ivanovich made his way though throngs of people. Neural enhancements activated and pulled up data from the local net, the quickest route to his destination was calculated and superimposed on his retina. The map was encrypted, for his eyes only. He followed along.

The route lead him near the skeleton of a mega skyscraper, the building was under construction. The construction site had the look of an abandoned yard. Ivanovich approached calmly, another tourist lost in the mazy grid. He walked under massive scaffoldings that blocked the night sky. Someone approached from the shadows and stopped a few feet short.

“Long time, Vanya.” The man growled.

Ivanovich approached and they hugged warmly.

“How have you been Misha? You old wolf.”

It had been years, but Mikhail Sorokin looked the same. Just about.

“Not bad, I love this city. How are the old friends treating you back home?”

“It never ends, Misha.” Ivanovich said in a tired monotone. “But you know that already.”

“Heh. That I know. At least I’m out here, far away from all the politics and bureaucracy. The job is stress free, night guard at construction sites. But I guess even with a loose leash, old spies can never really retire.”

“Guess so Misha. Unless one decides to get off the grid completely.”

“Well, at least the retirement benefits are nice.” Sorokin scratched his scruffy white beard and looked out at the nearest intersection. The LED streetlights were covered in a misty haze, the roads were blue-black. They were the only people around for blocks, the financial district had nothing to offer anyone after hours.

“Let’s go up Vanya.”

They rode the freight elevator in silence. Sorokin stopped the elevator midway through. They walked out to a partially completed floor. It was cold at a height of 2500 feet. Sorokin walked away and came back with a backpack.

“Change into this”, He said while handing Ivanovich the backpack. “Up on the roof it’s freezing, you’ll need the atmospheric insulation and the oxygen. Leave your clothes in the bag and leave it on the floor here, I’ll dispose off them later. At the South-West corner of the roof you’ll find what you need. I was not told any more details. I prepared a change of clothes and papers for you, you’ll find those in a backpack on the roof as well.” Sorokin paused. He swallowed and looked off at the distant lights. Far away parts of the city were at sleep. “Look, I’ll be leaving now, and be back in an hour to tie up the loose ends. Be careful not to leave any traces behind. Good luck Vanya.”

“Thanks, old friend.” Ivanovich was shivering. Sorokin clapped him on the shoulder and headed back into the elevator. It started with a grinding noise and went down.

Ivanovich opened up the backpack and took out the polycarbonate bodysuit. He quickly got dressed, fastened the weapon to the suit and discarded all his old clothes into the backpack and waited for the elevator to come back up.

The roof was bone chillingly cold, according to the ambient temperature readouts the suit provided him. The integrated night-vision system illuminated everything with high fidelity clarity and saturated objects of interest in blinking red. Ivanovich walked towards the South-West corner and picked up the backpack first.

Always prepare your exit plan first. Tradecraft.

He smirked at the old memory. Some things were always the same, no matter what else changed.

Then he walked towards and activated the Mikoyan-Grumman MiG FX 155 Peronal Flight Machine. In the office they simply called it The Cormorant. It was a sleek black unit, all soft curves. It turned on with a slight throb, the anti-grav thrusters kicked in. The moon was well up on the clear sky, and everything was very well lit for miles. There wasn’t much time left, he quickly entered the destination into the navigation system of the Cormorant and checked all his equipment. Everything he needed was on board, or on the body suit.

He fastened himself to the Cormorant and jumped off.

There is always a delay during high altitude jumps with anti-grav machines, as the onboard anti-grav control systems calculated required thrust on the fly, judging from sensory measurements of elevation, altitude, momentum and weight.

That delay translates into a freefall.

There is nothing quite like jumping off a 5,000 ft tall building and dropping like a rock towards the heart of a thriving megalopolis.

Ivanovich gritted his teeth and held on as the glittering bottom seemed to rush towards him at a frightening speed, the grid like pattern of the city vividly clear, enhanced by the night-vision system as he fell through misty clouds. As his mind almost reached the nearest edge of panic, the anti-grav systems calibrated themselves and the Cormorant switched directions to its destination. It flew him rapidly, sweeping through the air gracefully and near silently, curving between glassy skyscrapers at dazzling speeds, high above an old fashioned metal bridge crossing one of the many rivers, eventually landing him on the roof of a moderate sized condominium far away from the glitz and noise of downtown.

Ivanovich pulled up the building blueprints on his retinal display and rappelled down quickly to the 23rd floor. Thermal readings showed the apartment was not empty. However, the sole occupant of the place seemed to be at sleep. He curved out the circular area highlighted in blinking red, the bathroom window, and entered the apartment silently.

He made his way into the bedroom, stood next to the bed and took a long look at the man sleeping on it. Ex military commander Nikolai Vasiliev. He looked old and frail, a far cry from the man Ivanovich used to know, years ago. Everyone cowered under his lead back then.

“Wake up Nikolai.”

Vasiliev woke up with a start. He reached for something but Ivanovich was quicker, he grabbed Vasiliev’s arm and picked him up from the bed. He twisted Vasiliev’s arm, applying enough pressure to induce pain but not enough to break it, and lead him to the chair across the bed.

“Wh-who’re you? What’s the mea...”

“Shut up.” Ivanovich took off the headpiece from his polycarbonate suit. Seeping moonlight illuminated half his face. The other half was enveloped in darkness. He wasn’t very young anymore either. His face was worn and tired.

“Vanya? What are you doing here...?”

“You know very well why I’m here Nikolai. The atrocities you committed during the Border Wars of ‘76 could never be forgiven.”

“That was war!” Nikolai Vasiliev growled, for a split second he was the fearsome man he used to be. But only for that split second.

Ivanovich didn’t move a muscle. His face was made of stone as he looked at Vasiliev, looked through him as he spoke in a subdued voice, with controlled fury hidden just beneath the surface.

“It was war, yes. You killed men, women and young children because of their ethnicity. You committed genocide in the name of our empire. You wanted to cleanse the Russian Empire of unwanted...elements, as you used to say during your little speeches.” Ivanovich paused, the words came out hard and his lips quivered in fury as he continued, “You uprooted whole villages and got fat off the loot. If it was up to me, I would have killed you then Nikolai. But it wasn’t up to me.”

“What do you mean? You were under my command during the war, for two months till you were transferred to the Western Front. We were good friends.”

“I always worked for Sector 8, Nikolai. There were rumors about you, so we decided to watch you. You were useful so the kill order was not given, at the time...even though the Empire was aware of your crimes, her hands were tied, she had to look the other way.”

Vasiliev was shocked.

“You? Internal Security Intelligence? I should have known. You have the nerve to accuse me of war time atrocities? What about you? You stood and watched it all, and you did nothing.” Vasiliev smiled crookedly.

“I know, and for that I will never forgive myself. But at least I’ll make sure you’re dead.”

“I paid my dues Ivanovich. My testimony ensured the conviction of the rogue Commanders within our ranks and brought a swift end to the war. I have always been loyal to the Empire. The nation granted me free passage and anonymity.”

“That they did, they had no choice. You wouldn’t have testified without a deal. But some mistakes can be corrected, even through thick layers of politics and bureaucracy. The nation wants to correct a mistake, a mistake long overdue for correction. A correction she owes to her citizens.”

Ivanovich pulled out the sword and turned it on. Its soft drone saturated the silent bedroom. He took a step towards Vasiliev.

Vasiliev looked to the floor and muttered to himself.

“This can’t be happening, not after so many years, not after what I’ve done for the Empire. You’re the coward who did not act for what he believed in, at least I did what I thought was right. Don’t do it Vanya, I’m just an old man. We were good friends, once...”

“I was only pretending.”

Ivanovich neatly sliced off Vasiliev’s head which rolled off the chair with a soft thud. He then took a deep breath, turned off the sword, stood in complete silence and gazed off at the rising moon.
 

Cyan

Banned
For the new page: don't forget, everyone, that all times are Eastern rather than Pacific! DumbNameD and Scribble, be careful! Not any more.

nitewulf said:
New Bombay, way down bellow the floating Transit Hub, through layers of silky clouds, was a glittering behemoth. Smoky in parts, it was carved out by winding rivers and metallic super-highways that looked alive due to the constant stream of moving lights.
Damn, this already sounds good. My descriptive writing tends to come out clunky and forced. I might be able to whip it into shape by the deadline tomorrow. Here's hoping. :)
 

nitewulf

Member
thanx, heh, that's the only paragraph that flows ok i think, the rest is a mess.

i didnt change the time due to any malicious intent, i swear...it was because i dont wanna stay up till 3 AM. :lol

if someone else wants to monitor the thread till 12 AM pacific time, then that's fine and i'll change the deadline.
 

Cyan

Banned
Well, I'm done but for polishing, and mine's going to be fairly long. I guess that's the hazard of not having a limit.

nitewulf said:
if someone else wants to monitor the thread till 12 AM pacific time, then that's fine and i'll change the deadline.
You mean like make the announcement that submissions are closed, sort of thing? I could do that, no problem. It might well help the regulars get their submissions in on time.
 

nitewulf

Member
Cyan said:
Well, I'm done but for polishing, and mine's going to be fairly long. I guess that's the hazard of not having a limit.


You mean like make the announcement that submissions are closed, sort of thing? I could do that, no problem. It might well help the regulars get their submissions in on time.
fine, that's agreed then...the deadline is set to Midnight, Pacific.
 

Timedog

good credit (by proxy)
The Submission deadline AND the Voting Begins time both say Monday. I think people might be confused as to when it ends.
 
Jeez. I'm still sick. I've been sick since the 24th. I'll try to get something cranked out tonight, but I'm just not feeling all that creative. :D
 

Cyan

Banned
AluminumRod said:
Does The Grey Area Exist?


127.5
127.5
127.5





(word count - 3?)
Hehe. Took me a second there. Cute.

Although since it's an area, shouldn't it be more like "60-60-60 through 220-220-220"?
 
"Black and White"
Word Count: 1300
--------------------------------------------

A set of pale blue eyes rolled to the back of the skull to stare at their reflection. They sat there, fighting against gravity, as though they were carrying loads of heavy luggage.

“Eyes that carry heavy luggage, not bad” Gary thought as he snatched a pen that was lying on the cluttered sink. He scratched his latest brainchild in faded black ink onto an old mushy notebook that he always kept with him. The little book was as cluttered as the sink before him, only with one-liners and crude doodles instead of half-used toiletries and expired medication. Like so much else, the idea would never see the light of day. Gary stuffed the tattered notebook into the pockets of his dingy old bathrobe and sauntered off to the balcony of his apartment to have another cigarette. He had been up for an hour and was only on his second smoke, a marked improvement from yesterday, and a small sign that his resolve to quit smoking was more than just another empty promise.

“Speaking of empty promises,” Gary chuckled to himself, as he looked down at the screen of his dull, metallic phone, noting the 1 missed call from his ex-wife. Once again, his heavy eyes rolled to the back of his eyes, today was going to be one of those day. He half-listened to the voice mail, a shrieking voice berating him about child-support payments, or something. After deleting the message, and casually dropping the phone into his pocket, he stood up and surveyed the scene below. It was as cloudy as any other day, with a the occasional stiff breeze making the air outside a little colder than it needed to be. Thoughts of the weather, his old job as an editor, his unemployment, and a myriad of other daydreams began swirling in that part of Gary's brain where the rest of his thoughts stagnated. Gary was so lost in his thoughts, the chaos below barely registered in his head.

A familiar car was pulling up to an spot in front of his building, it and old white Ford, with plenty of black and rust accents, faded and dull. The car was about to dive into the empty spot in front of his building, when a cement truck had begun backing up. Backing up over that car, that car that had swiftly dived into the empty spot in the truck's blind spot. That car that belonged to his ex-wife, that undoubtedly had their 4 year old boy sitting inside. Shouts from Gary where muffled out by the sounds of twisting and snapping metal, with the sickening slop of cement pouring out by the gallon on to the car bellow. Gary's mind was a thick smoking haze, he raced out of his apartment and down the staircases, hoping he could somehow be of help. Sirens blared out from the distance, confirming his fear that the situation below was bad. Gary raced down the endless flights of stairs. Each “Out of Order” sign on the elevators was like a wicked smack to the face as he ran past. Gary picked up the pace, the clacking of his slippers echoed through out the halls and rang in his ears.

The floor suddenly flew up to greet Gary in the face. He chocked hard, as the air was knocked out of his lungs, a white hot flare erupted in Gary's ankle. He had missed that last step and sprawled out on to the bottom floor, his ankle twisted, his tooth chipped, and his mind even more murky than before. Thoughts of his young son quickly flooded back into his head. Composing himself, he clumsily hoisted himself up, and ran out the door, only to pass out once more, clutching his chest as he fell.

Gary's eyes fluttered opened, greeted only by a listless, somewhat empty room. He was lying down, and could hear the sounds of voices from outside. A newscaster was reading off scores, from a television set, propped up above. He was in a hospital, but why? Almost as if to answer his question, a flood of pain pressure erupted in his head and chest, he gasped, only to have his tooth flare up, the cold air hitting the sensitive area that broke off from his first fall. He coughed and sputtered, trying to recall what had happened. Once again, as if to answer his question, a doctor walked in,

“Mr. Albright, how are you feeling?” Gary let out a small groan, as he struggled to speak up,

“I'm fine I guess, I'm not sure what happened. My head's a blaze, and my arm feels kind of numb.” The more Gary spoke, the more he realized just how many ailments wracked his feeble frame.

“Well, Mr. Albright,” the doctor said, glancing at his clipboard though a set of small wire-frame spectacles,

“you went into cardiac arrest, you had a heart attack. Thankfully, there was an emergency team nearby.” Gary mused to himself. No matter what, everything seemed to be a mix of good and bad. Just once, he'd like to be presented with something that was irrevocably bad, or even better, something nice with no strings attached. But there was always a silver lining, or a small blemish. Nothing could ever be black and white.

“Anyway, Mr. Albright, there's an officer here to see you, are you feeling well enough to speak?”

“An officer?” Gary thought, “what could I have possible done?”

“Yeah, send him in, I guess.” Gary muttered nervously. The doctor nodded and left, a few moments passed, then a police officer walked in.

“Mr. Albright?” The man in uniform asked.

“Huh, oh, yeah, that's... that's me.” Gary managed to choke out. The officer took a seat next to his bed,

“Are you feeling any better?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” Gary replied. The officer let out an uneasy sigh, and removed his hat, suddenly, a cold shock went though Gary's bones, his son, his mind was flooded with horrible images of his young son, being entombed in that cold, cruel cement.

Hot tears immediately began swelling up in Gary's eyes, the officer began to speak:

“It's your, ex-wife, April, she, she was killed in the accident, she died almost immediately, I'm... I'm sorry.” Gary silently nodded, feeling ambivalent about the situation. He never wished death on his ex-wife, no, that was a lie. There were plenty of lonely drunken nights where Gary cursed and shouted, wishing the worst on the woman that hurt him the most, throwing glass bottles at imagined effigies, of his cackling ex-wife and her hotshot boyfriend. Gary wasn't sure if this is what he wanted or not, but there was something more pressing on his mind.

“And... and my son?” “I...” the officer began, but the doctor came in and cut him off,

“Your son, Mr. Albirght, is in critical condition. Even if he makes it, he'll never walk again, the incident damaged his spine in several places. I'm sorry.”

“Oh god,” Gary cried, turning his head away.

The officer and doctor left, silently, giving Gary a few moments to himself. He had no idea what was in store for him next. He had gotten what he wanted, he would have his son back, and finally be free from his ex-wife, but not like this. His son didn't deserve a speck of what happened to him.

“There it was again”, Gary spat in disgust “it couldn't be one way or the other, always somewhere in the middle.” Gary began to doze off to sleep, his heavy eyes began to roll back, everything in the room began to swirl together, leaving a wide ocean of one dull color, just before he dozed off.
------------------------------------------------
I'm open to any and all criticism. I'm still quite a bit new to writing. Thanks guys!
 
Cyan said:
Hehe. Took me a second there. Cute.

Although since it's an area, shouldn't it be more like "60-60-60 through 220-220-220"?

Well it's more about there not really being a definate middle ground(there's no decimal points in rgb) in something with limits 0-255. 255/2 = 127.5, 127 would be more toward white, and 126 would be more toward black.

Yeah, I'm a dweeb.
 
Really, really not feeling anything I put down on paper. I'll try again after dinner, but it's starting to look like I'm still a bit fuddled from being sick for weeks.

Excuses. Excuses.
 

Gattsu25

Banned
Meh. I'm not sure if anyone has realized but I've been largely absent from these threads for the past few months and there's a reason for that...but first: No submission from me this time around. I dunno, I was intrigued by the subject and really wanted to participate but—well...there's no real excuse. I didn't allocate the time. I had time on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I stayed up all night on Friday (in order to get something I'm not too proud of working) and took a few RedBulls to keep me up late. I didn't go out or spend any time with friends, not that there's many people I would do that with in this state. If you lurk on gaming, (or more specifically, in the Left 4 Dead thread) you might have seen me mention that I work in a different state than I live.

I live in FL but work out of a suburb of Philadelphia. Not ideal, I know, but hey it pays. What sucks, though, is that I've been undergoing a bit of a family emergency for roughly the same amount of time that I've spent in PA...something that I desperately wish I was down in FL for. Add in my friends, who all live in FL, as well as the sunny weather (whoever said it was always sunny in Philly’s is a fucking liar) and ... well, you have enough reasons to really miss your home. I dunno...I guess I could try to befriend some of the people I work with, but the age difference between me and my coworkers starts at 15 years...I just don't feel like hanging out with a bunch of old people =\

Sure there's a bar nearby...well...a brewery to be precise, but the college kids that go there are a bunch of white angry suburbanites...not trying to sound racist or anything. Well, I guess that did sound racist...whatever. Anyway, there's not much for me to do...the place I'm staying at has an internet connection with an impressive 4kbpsD/.5kbpsU that drops out every 10 minutes or so...so there's nothing online that I can do other than browse GAF (often with images disabled). When it takes a half an hour to load up a youtube vid...the internet becomes largely unimportant. I've spent a lot of my time just relaxing in this roach-infested shithole, working extra hours (despite being on salary pay with no overtime), talking with friends from FL, or driving the hour or so it takes to travel the 10 mile trip to Philly and waste my money. I find my life is dull—no...pointless. I dunno...it's an utterly hopeless feeling. I've never grappled with depression before, but I'm pretty sure this is what it is.

It takes me an hour to get out of my bed in the morning, I often spend a lot of time deliberating what I should do with my day, I set commitments (such as posting in these threads) only to abandon them at the last minute...these threads especially have been a sore spot for me. I'll sit down, thinking I've got a great idea, only to doubt myself (sometimes harshly) and scrap whatever I'm working on. Fuck, this explanation not officially being counted toward this challenge, I'm resisting a heavy urge to delete everything I've typed up to this point. As a compromise, I'm not saving a word of this thing...any crashes and I'll chalk it up to fate. Anyway, NaNoWriMo was a especially sour experience...me not even hitting the 1K mark despite having multiple opportunities to do so. It all boils down to this depression (I wasn't comfortable calling it that, but ever since it started that particular inhibition seems to have left) killing all my desire to do anything enjoyable. I can hang out with my coworkers. At any time, I could pick up a friend or two in the neighborhood. I could do something with my fucking life instead of just waiting for the weekends when I fly myself back down to Florida...but as it is...those two days every other week are the only thing I define my life by, nowadays.

When I first started writing for these challenges, I found them fun little challenges...I would add extra personal touched to some: structuring my 'anniversary' tale (which was non-fiction) as if an idealistic child (who still believed in fairies) were the author, or trying to capture how I was feeling with the 'seasons' tale (which I wrote the week my family emergency started) and with others I would just try to write something that I was kicking around for a few days. I never spent much time on any of them, however. Fuck, I don't even know what I was trying to say at the beginning of the paragraph. Fuck it...I'm not exactly in the mood for this anymore. I looked through some of my old submissions and don't ever see myself returning to that level again, despite never being anything to write home about in the first place.

Meh, I don't feel like going back and correcting any of the spelling or grammar in this post, so please excuse any glaring errors. I guess I could continue to write for these things, but expect my output to be like it was in the last few challenges...a statement that I want to write an entry and then no follow up. Heh...maybe I'll submit something one of these days...either way: g'night.
 

chapel

Banned
Good luck to everyone, I really couldn't come up with anything that I felt was worth writing down or I could flesh out. Not that I didn't have time, but I just didn't give myself the time when I had it if that makes sense.

I will definitely be voting as its only fair. That and Im intrigued to see what you guys wrote.
 

Cyan

Banned
Right gents, a bit less than half an hour left!

chapel said:
Good luck to everyone, I really couldn't come up with anything that I felt was worth writing down or I could flesh out. Not that I didn't have time, but I just didn't give myself the time when I had it if that makes sense.
Bummer. Makes sense to me, I do that all the time. :/ Well, hope to see you back for the next challenge.
 

DumbNameD

Member
Ferry Tale (1350 words)

Last night, Gareth and I made tacos. He seasoned and cooked the ground beef while I sliced the lettuce and grated the cheddar. He doused his with hot sauce since I don’t like them spicy while I spooned on salsa since he doesn’t like tomatoes. We sat on the couch, watched TV, and ate tacos. We didn’t really say anything all night though we sat next to each other on the couch. He watched a basketball game while I read a paperback.

I slept on and off through the night. Television and tacos. I wondered if that’s all there is. Is that it?

Childhood’s such a scam. Everything seems new and shiny like browsing rings and jingles in the glass coffers of a jewelry store. I mean, first time eating a cupcake? Biting into the moist sponge of chocolate cake, and mixing in a lick of silky frosting? Or how about sunlight visiting through a window and forming a golden patch on the carpet? Hopping in and out of the light as if sliding through a rabbit hole into a wonderland? I remember lying on the carpet under the bask of sunlight and raising my hand, spreading my fingers, trying to catch even a bit of the rays. Nowadays you worry about your hips and thighs or about skin cancer and if the mole on your left collarbone has changed.

I guess it’s because they let us pretend. No, they made us pretend. With Barbies and teddy bears and fairy tales at day’s end. Visions of sugarplums and princesses must have seeped into the diaries of even the most grounded of girls.

Now, sitting on the windowsill in the bedroom of my boyfriend’s apartment, in a T-shirt and pajama bottoms, I look out into an uncertain sky and murky river as he sleeps. I’m not sure if the clouds are overwhelming or if the sun just hasn’t risen yet. It’s a sitting window I told Gareth when I moved in, but he had never used it as such. What’s there to look at except for the wharves and cinder-block warehouses, he wondered. But I can watch the ferry from here, even if it’s just a toy under the horizon.

As a child, almost every other weekend, my dad and I used to take the ferry across the moat that separated the suburbs from the city. Mom (who came along once but threw up over the side of the ship) used to tie my hair in a ponytail, but once I got on the ferry, the hair band would come off. I loved the feel of the wind in my hair, and a breath of the bay breeze would send an exhilarating shiver through my small frame.

I imagined it’s what Leif Ericson or Balboa must have felt like crossing the seas. For a picket-fenced girl, the city was the new world, and I wondered if its builders knew how much excitement could radiate from the concrete and skyscrapers. When we crossed, something new always caught my eye. I pointed (when I used to point) at a building that I had never noticed or a newly erected billboard or even just a sea gull flying loops. Dad always seemed to join in my enthusiasm as if I had presented him some treasure that I alone had unearthed.

Once I pointed to an advertisement for some alcoholic beverage and asked what it was. He said that was for pirates and not for a young lady like me. But the notion of pirates intrigued me. I wanted to capture the ferry and take it out to sea to see all the places we could go.

So while I liked the ice cream shop or library or whatever other place Dad took me in the city, I think I enjoyed the ferry ride the best. The bus ride to the river seemed like an eternity that would never end while all the gusto I had on the ferry tuckered me out during the city romp.

Back then, I don’t think I really appreciated the time with my father during those outings. Now, I wish I had spent as much time as I could with him. But by the time I was twelve or thirteen, the city had become like old shoes. Spending time with Dad seemed like a chore, and I had gotten interested in boys. I guess the opposite sex changes everything.

In college, I once had been in a relationship with so much passion that everyday was a coin flip whether we’d be all over each other or we’d be out-screaming a thunderstorm. Of course, that affair ended with coarse words and flung clothes hangers. And for half a year, swearing off men, I carried a dark cloud, ready to push anybody who crossed me off the edge of the world into a midnight abyss.

But with Gareth and me, we weren’t unfolding like that. We’re television and tacos. I’d like to say I met Gareth on the ferry. That would have been a good story. But we met in the post office. Buying stamps, as I remember. He’s good looking enough, maybe not as much as a Prince Charming. Moneywise, he does okay. I mean, his apartment looks out into a bunch of warehouses and docks, but surprisingly, the neighborhood is homely with a convenient market and a tended park.

I wonder how much I’d really miss him if we broke up. Now as I watch the ferry, I can’t help but wonder if my buccaneer spirit was right, if the ferry operator ever felt sad having to take the same route over and over and never going anywhere exciting. Maybe that’s—

“Hey.”

I turn and see Gareth sitting up in bed and smiling at me. “Good morning,” I say. I dip my eyes toward him, as if to beckon him over. I want him to come over and sit next to me. He should ask me what I’m thinking about. He should rescue me from my doubt. I’m waiting at the window like a princess in a tower. Sit next to me. I try to beam the thought into his head.

But he just stays in bed.

“Hungry?” he asks. “Do you want me to make you breakfast?”

“No, thanks.” I try not to let my disappointment sound through.

“Well, do you want to make me breakfast then?”

I laugh and shake my head. “No.”

“Okay, well then,” he says, plopping back onto the mattress. “I’m going back to sleep.” He pulls the blanket over his shoulders and curls himself toward the middle of the bed.

I turn back to the window. A frown begins to form at the corners of my lips, and I try to pull it back.

“Hey,” I finally say.

“Hey?”

“Never mind.” I sigh.

He opens his eyes, crinkles his brow, and gives me a look of concern. “You look cold, Karen. Why don’t you come back to bed?” he says. “It’s warm under the covers.”

I take a moment to watch the ferry dock at the other side of the river, release its passengers, and make ready for the return trip. Back and forth. Maybe that path is all the purpose it really needs. I don’t know, but I know I loved the ferry trips with my dad. And I remember the awe I felt crossing the waters.

I come off my window perch and cross the bedroom. I slide into bed next to Gareth. It is warm under the covers.

See, even before the new world, there was the ferry ride across. But even before the ferry, there were the weeks of doing my homework, of making my bed, and of putting up my toys. But during these off weeks and even after I thought I had outgrown the city outings, most times, Dad was great to Mom and me. As for Gareth? Well, yesterday the tacos weren’t spicy, and today he keeps the bed warm. I think tomorrow… tomorrow I’ll let him make me breakfast. Maybe that’s all there is to it.
 

Aaron

Member
Comments:

Botolf - The payoff suffers because there really isn't much to lead up to it. I think it suffers from a lack of physical description to anchor the place, when the dialogue in the beginning doesn't really go anywhere.

disappeared - It's a little too heavy-handed in the form of narration and telling the reader everything. That tends to just make a wall between the reader and the story. Also, I was honestly disappointed with the ending. I expected since he had spent his whole life waiting, in hell he would be back to the same room, with the same shows, still waiting.

Ward - Needs proofreading. Try reading it to yourself out loud and focus on clarity. Try to avoid any rambling sentence, esp. in dialogue.

ZephyrFate - The framing of the story leeches some of the life from it. The way it's set is essentially exposition, which I know relates to your previous story, but it would have better set to be in the moment, instead of removed from it.

nitewulf - I think you should work on your sentence structure. It's a bit too plain and occasionally awkward for moments you're trying to convey. Let me be clear it's not the words you're using, the descriptions are strong, but noun-verb-subject isn't the only way to put them together. I was also disappointed that the ending was so straight forward. The final conversation was kind of a waste of time since I knew from the beginning what would happen at the end. Having exposition that late weakens the ending.

Keru_Shiri - It's well written, but lacking in conflict. It would have been more interesting if his heart attack had occupied EMTs that could have been rescuing his ex-wife and son. Give the main character something to decide, to do, instead of tripping over his feet.

Cyan - I hate to say this, but I think it would have been a better story with the word limit. The idea of it is simple and sharp, and would have been better served written in the same way. It feels like you take too long to get the deal rolling, and the final payoff is a bit weak since I'm only told about the serious consequences. It would have been better ended by the thugs looking for the borrowed money showing up.

DumbNameD - Well-written, no surprise there, but it feels a bit lopsided. If I were to chop it into three acts, nearly everything is dumped into the first act and I felt halfway through it that I got it, but then the payoff for all this ends up being too short to be really satisfying. I think a little more action (I don't mean car chases -- just simple movements) and dialogue would have evened it out.

Votes:

1 - nitewulf
2 - Cyan
3 - DumbNameD
 

Sibylus

Banned
Aaron said:
Comments:

Botolf - The payoff suffers because there really isn't much to lead up to it. I think it suffers from a lack of physical description to anchor the place, when the dialogue in the beginning doesn't really go anywhere.
Yea, I agree with all of that. Probably should have held onto it longer.

Thanks for the crit :)
 

Timedog

good credit (by proxy)
Hello, Aaron, who wrote the short story "Da Graey L@nd" for the GAF Creative Writing Challenge 19 - "The Grey Area". Hello there.

What happened at the end of your story. I didn't get it.
 

Cyan

Banned
Aaron said:
Cyan - I hate to say this, but I think it would have been a better story with the word limit. The idea of it is simple and sharp, and would have been better served written in the same way. It feels like you take too long to get the deal rolling, and the final payoff is a bit weak since I'm only told about the serious consequences. It would have been better ended by the thugs looking for the borrowed money showing up.
Too much setup, not enough punchline? Yeah, you're probably right. Didn't even think about that for the ending. Thanks for the comments.

I'll be back with critiques and votes a bit later.
 
Yeah, I kind of promised a few people a prequel or some sort of explanation for the first story, and this kind of popped into my head. Thanks for the crit, though. I probably should try for present tense in the next challenge.
 

xaosslug

Member
i REALLY wanted to participate in this, but I was working on this other thing (been working on it for the past, err... three weeks? LMAO! It's nothing serious just some (xx)x-mas fanfic thing... yeah, I know) And it has REALLY leeched my time, writing wise!

my problem is that I'm terrible at revision, and when I do it... I basically end up rewriting the whole thing bit-by-bit. I mean I thought it was done at around the new year, and yet... :lol

good luck, everyone!
 
Aaron said:
Comments:

disappeared - It's a little too heavy-handed in the form of narration and telling the reader everything. That tends to just make a wall between the reader and the story. Also, I was honestly disappointed with the ending. I expected since he had spent his whole life waiting, in hell he would be back to the same room, with the same shows, still waiting.

I can't defend its length. It was something short and to-the-point, and description and dialogue were sacrificed. I seem to have developed a writing habit wherein I want to get the point as soon as possible without trying to bore the reader with details that don't serve purpose. Perhaps it does alienate said reader somewhat, but it's just how I write.
 

Cyan

Banned
Botolf said:
"Two Deluded Fools"
Not quite sure what to say about this one. I like your use of the theme, but the piece overall felt a bit aimless. The dialogue and characters didn't really feel grounded. Maybe this is justified if the idea is that
the guy is insane/imagining the whole thing
, but without that grounding to make it all feel real, the ending loses impact. I suspect that the reason it feels aimless is that there's no real goal to drive it. The characters are kind of just talking about stuff.

Aaron said:
Grey Land
Awesome. I love the sort of steampunky background. It fits oddly well with the more standard fantasy concept of the wall separating one world from another. Great job on the secondary objective, as the description is consistently strong throughout. Particularly the description of the Wall, and later the ash-strewn ground.

Three quibbles: first, too much infodump in some of the dialogue (i.e. Booj talking about the merchant being lynched--incidentally, why wasn't the merchant dumped over the wall? ;) ). This could've been more subtle, so we got the info without feeling force-fed. Second getting dumped over the wall is too easy for the MC, after all the objecting. All he had to do was insult them to get them to break an age-old law? And finally, I don't understand the ending. The lead-in is great, I'm totally buying it, and then... something happens. I have only the vaguest idea what.

Timedog said:
The Dead Sea
I hope the authorities don't ban you for this. Some interesting use of metaphor and descriptive language. While I followed what was happening and everything, I'm not totally sure what you were going for. High concept sex scene, or were you just thinking about lasers or some shit?

Ward said:
No Money Down
Great character-study type of piece. I would've liked to see some kind of movement in it, as it feels a bit static. As it is, it's interesting, and you get a good understanding of the character, but there's no driving force behind it.

ZephyrFate said:
The Music of Greed
Good concept (the game, the gambling father, etc), and a whole lot of good description. "The caldera of his soul" is maybe a little over the top, but most of it worked well.

What didn't quite work for me was the flashback structure. We know everything that happens before we read it, because it's summarized before the flashback even starts. It might have worked better to start with the Seven Pounds game, and have it be in the moment. Then you can go forward to him being at the temple in Greece.

I can kind of see why you did what you did, but the Seven Pounds game is the driving force behind the whole story. It needs to be in the moment.

I don't mean you need to use present tense or anything. Just work through that scene as if it's happening right now, as you did with the Greece stuff.

ronito said:
So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.
:lol

Come back, man!


Right, I'll get to the rest later.

Edit: I just realized I skipped disappeared's story. I have images turned off at work, so I just scrolled right by it. :lol I'll do it with the rest when I get home.
 

Timedog

good credit (by proxy)
Cyan said:
I hope the authorities don't ban you for this. Some interesting use of metaphor and descriptive language. While I followed what was happening and everything, I'm not totally sure what you were going for. High concept sex scene, or were you just thinking about lasers or some shit?
It was about danger, and the illusion of danger. The danger of sex (an unwanted pregnancy), the danger of words, the danger of the authorities, the danger of being caught for doing something private (the condom throw), the danger of being intimate with your ex wife. These were mostly illusions meant to heighten the satisfaction of the act, it was all a game. He was in no danger of a child because of the weapon, he was in no danger of actually being caught for having had sex due to the condom throw, there was no danger of the condom hitting the helicopter, he invented the idea of the authorities chasing him, due to the condom throw, when he saw the helicopter again to add another element of danger. These were all things, along with a few real dangers, that made the game more exciting.

I also wanted to find some threads to tie all these things together.
 

Cyan

Banned
Disappeared - I like the concept a lot, but the execution isn't quite there. There's a lot of narrative summary here (This happened. And this happened. And this happened...). The one bit that's in the moment is pretty nice, but could have been a lot more impactful if we'd directly felt the MC's loneliness rather than being told about it. I thought the ending was fine, but Aaron's right that it would have been more consistent thematically to have Hell be his same old room.

nitewulf said:
Old Friends
Man, the potential here was great. In individual pieces, this is some awesome writing. But it just doesn't quite come together. It doesn't completely fall apart either, mind you.

The world-building is great, with most of the technology/social changes having a nice comfortable lived-in feeling. I especially like the Miss India prostitute. The action scene at the beginning is also really well-done.

The trouble is, I couldn't help wondering why Ivanovitch went to all that trouble to get some kind of special weapon. Why didn't he just shoot the guy? And why on earth did he wake him up and tell him why he was killing him? It didn't feel right for somebody who had been going on about tradecraft to take that kind of risk.

So basically, the beginning was a great hook, but ultimately unnecessary to the story, and the end felt wrong.

And yet I still really liked it. It has a similar noirish feel to your De La Cruz pieces, and I think that's your strongest style (along with your more realistic/everyday life pieces). The terse prose interspersed with bits of ornate description really works for this type of story.

Keru_Shiri said:
"Black and White"
I like the quick insight into the character via the smoking thing. And he's just the sort that you can feel disgusted by and sorry for at the same time, which fits this story.

The dialogue is a bit stilted. Aaron recommended earlier that someone read their piece aloud to look for errors; you might try doing that for your dialogue. You should be able to hear what sounds natural and what doesn't.

Also, it's a bit heavy-handed with the grey area connection at the end. We already know that's the theme, no need to hit it too hard.

Gattsu25 said:
Undecided
Actually yes, I had noticed your absence. So... how much of this was fiction? Not really sure how to respond without knowing that. Heh.

Cyan said:
Pigeon Drop
Protip: If you find yourself thinking, "huh, I'd probably cut this if there were a word limit"... you should probably cut it! Also, don't lose sight of your characters' goals.

DumbNameD said:
Ferry Tale
You know, this is kind of static as well. More of a snapshot than a vignette. But somehow, its simplicity really works. I felt taken back to a simpler time, felt the MC's annoyance at her boyfriend's lack of passion, and finally felt the quiet contentment at the end.

If I could suggest any change, it would be to make a more concrete connection between the ferry flashback and the "now" story of the woman and Gareth. You have a small paragraph that suggests she's thinking of it as a metaphor (its purpose is to keep following the path, go back and forth), but I'd like to see a stronger connection. Although it's probably better too subtle than too obvious.
 

Aaron

Member
Cyan said:
Awesome. I love the sort of steampunky background. It fits oddly well with the more standard fantasy concept of the wall separating one world from another. Great job on the secondary objective, as the description is consistently strong throughout. Particularly the description of the Wall, and later the ash-strewn ground.

Three quibbles: first, too much infodump in some of the dialogue (i.e. Booj talking about the merchant being lynched--incidentally, why wasn't the merchant dumped over the wall? ;) ). This could've been more subtle, so we got the info without feeling force-fed. Second getting dumped over the wall is too easy for the MC, after all the objecting. All he had to do was insult them to get them to break an age-old law? And finally, I don't understand the ending. The lead-in is great, I'm totally buying it, and then... something happens. I have only the vaguest idea what.
First you complain about me giving too much info, and then too little! :D

I actually thought about reducing the info in the early part, but left it to make sure the reader was grounded. He also calls them abominations. I would think that would be enough to get rid of them. If you don't get the ending, then I guess I failed. I thought it was clear from the intentions of the old man, and what the officer says to him, specifically calling him a bastard and telling him the only thing he'll find over the Wall. I actually thought I was being too heavy handed with 'innocently' at the end.
 

Timedog

good credit (by proxy)
Aaron said:
First you complain about me giving too much info, and then too little! :D

I actually thought about reducing the info in the early part, but left it to make sure the reader was grounded. He also calls them abominations. I would think that would be enough to get rid of them. If you don't get the ending, then I guess I failed. I thought it was clear from the intentions of the old man, and what the officer says to him, specifically calling him a bastard and telling him the only thing he'll find over the Wall. I actually thought I was being too heavy handed with 'innocently' at the end.

I STILL don't get it. I sent you a PM. Can you PM me the details of what happened?
 

Timedog

good credit (by proxy)
I've read it like 3 times and I just don't get the significance of the mirror thing or it being her mother or what exactly he was doing with the steam pack. It's obviously some sort of death implement, I think?, because it said it was his last breath, but if that is true what was his motivation for killing/dying? What created all the ash? Those parts just made me lose my head. I went a little over the edge after reading the other parts.

Also, is there a reason why you didn't feel like critiquing my entry, Aaron?
 

Cyan

Banned
Aaron said:
I don't think he would shed a tear over setting his alarm clock. :D
Somehow when I first read your story, I thought he was activating some kind of ancient machinery in the Grey Beast's tomb.

My first impression was that the Grey Beast was in fact a clockwork creature and he was waking it up. But that didn't fit with everything else.

I guess I hadn't grasped that the thing he was activating was in his backpack.
 

Aaron

Member
Cyan said:
Somehow when I first read your story, I thought he was activating some kind of ancient machinery in the Grey Beast's tomb.

My first impression was that the Grey Beast was in fact a clockwork creature and he was waking it up. But that didn't fit with everything else.

I guess I hadn't grasped that the thing he was activating was in his backpack.
I'm not sure how I could be more clear when he takes off the backpack and removes the umbrella before jamming his walking stick into the hole.
 
Aaron said:
I'm not sure how I could be more clear when he takes off the backpack and removes the umbrella before jamming his walking stick into the hole.
You should probably critique Timedog's story, dude.
 

Timedog

good credit (by proxy)
ZephyrFate said:
You should probably critique Timedog's story, dude.

I don't care if he does, I'm just wondering if there was any particular reason why he didn't. I'm more interested in what the ending to his story meant, since I spent a considerable amount of my time reading it.
 

Cyan

Banned
Aaron said:
I'm not sure how I could be more clear when he takes off the backpack and removes the umbrella before jamming his walking stick into the hole.
Hrm. Yeah. Somehow the way things were ordered threw me off. The mirror line didn't help, as then I was picturing a giant clockwork mirror unfolding, and--well, anyway. Maybe it's just me and Timedog who got confused for whatever reason.

Timedog said:
I don't care if he does, I'm just wondering if there was any particular reason why he didn't.
He probably just had nothing to say. I occasionally skip stories in my critique if I can't think of any comments for them. There's really no obligation to critique every story. Or any story, if it comes down to it.
 

Aaron

Member
Timedog said:
I've read it like 3 times and I just don't get the significance of the mirror thing or it being her mother or what exactly he was doing with the steam pack. It's obviously some sort of death implement, I think?, because it said it was his last breath, but if that is true what was his motivation for killing/dying? What created all the ash? Those parts just made me lose my head. I went a little over the edge after reading the other parts.

Also, is there a reason why you didn't feel like critiquing my entry, Aaron?
Sorry, I had you on ignore for some reason and didn't realize it. I did start to read your story and stopped. Just not my thing. I think it was too overboard in the erotica for me to find what the point of it was. A little of that kind of thing goes a long way.

The mirror was mentioned halfway through when Zai wonders if the people of Trenk even look in the mirror anymore to realize what monsters they become. This girl was 'always' a monster, so even if she looked into a mirror she would never think of herself as one. Zai despises the monsters his people are becoming with their modifications, and can't accept these half human half monster creatures, even if they appear innocent.

ZephyrFate said:
You should probably critique Timedog's story, dude.
Err, maybe you should critique just one story before telling me what I should or shouldn't do.
 
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