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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #156 - "Connections"

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Cyan

Banned
The Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance (720)

On a promontory overlooking the Kingswood lies the Abbey of the Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance. The oldest rooms, deep within--the old chapel, the cells, the refectory--are a mishmash of stone salvaged from the old fort that once stood on the promontory, mortared with lime. The later construction--the walls, the terracing, the abbot's rooms--are of locally quarried limestone. The two together give the abbey the appearance of old and young intermingled. A father and son, embracing.

The view from the abbey roof is said to be spectacular in autumn. The forest bursts with oranges and yellows and reds as the oaks and yews shed their summer coat. The river lies quiet, in anticipation of winter storms. Visitors to the abbey are visible as far as the old stone bridge.

Visitors find, as often as not, that they are turned away at the door. The Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance, beholden to the Rule of Saint Benedict, must turn away those who would contaminate the monastery with gossip and contumaciousness. Those who are allowed to enter, who are brought to pray in the chapel, to eat in the refectory, to sleep in one of the cells, find themselves without much opportunity for conversation.

For the monks of the Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance, on entering the abbey, must take a vow of silence.

The vow weighs heavy on the shoulders of some. Those bright and happy persons who have the gift of easy conversation. Those who take enjoyment from gossip, those given to laughter. Those who speak a great deal and say little, to drown out their own inner thoughts.

For those who are naturally contemplative, the burden is feather-light.

Once a year, on the high holy day of Saint Benedict, that burden is lifted--at dinner, a single monk is chosen by the abbot to speak. He may speak one word or many. He may give a lengthy speech of his own devising, he may read a Biblical passage, he may even gossip or say unkind words, though that is not often done. Most often, the words are brief and unpracticed, a momentary outburst of noise that is soon superseded by the abiding silence.

In one year, a dreary year marked by constant rainfall, by the river flooding into the forest and the fields, by a poor harvest, the abbot pointed to Brother Matthew at dinner on the high holy day of Saint Benedict. Brother Matthew was a large man, broad and tall, on whom the habit sat ill. He stood and cleared his throat. Looked down at his meager plate. Then looked around the room at his brothers, at the abbot. Thought for a moment. Then he spoke. "The food here," he said sadly, "is terrible." And then he sat. The brothers bowed their heads, the abbot gestured that dinner was to begin. And they ate.

The trees gave their annual autumn show, winter rains gave way to bright spring and on to a warm and quiet summer. Once again it was the high holy day of Saint Benedict. At dinner, as the monks all sat down to their meal, the abbot pointed at Brother John. Brother John was short, and thin-faced, and had always a quizzical expression on his face, as though confused as to what was going on around him. He raised an eyebrow at the abbot, then stood and cleared his throat. He looked around the room, he looked at Brother Matthew. And he spoke. "The food here," he said, "is excellent." And he sat. The brothers bowed their heads, the abbot gestured, and they ate.

The Kingswood blazed red and yellow with leaves, winter storms raised the river almost to flood, spring brought intermittent rains that were chased by summer. Again it was the high holy day of Saint Benedict, again the monks sat down to dinner. The abbot pointed at Brother Jacob. Jacob was a cheerful man, smiling at work, smiling at prayer, his face marked with smile lines and crows feet. Today he did not smile. He nodded at the abbot, stood. He looked around the room, and in particular at Brother Matthew and Brother John. And at last, he spoke. "Will you two," he said, "stop bickering!"
 

Zweizer

Banned
1) Cold (GorillaWithDandruff)
2) Open Channel (Mike M)
3) Family Reunion (Nezumi)

Honorable mentions: Transfiguration (Charade), Neurosis (Croll)
 

Nezumi

Member
Gonna post my votes, just in case I don't have enough time to finish my comments.

1.) Cyan
2.) Ashes
3.) Tangent

HM: GorillaWithDandruff; FlowersisBritish
 

Valhelm

contribute something
1. Nezumi - Family Reunion

Intriguing, well-written, and pretty touching. This could easily pass for a professional story.

2. Cyan - The Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance

This was a really cute and comically grand retelling of the old joke. It took me far too long to realize that I'd heard this one before. The prose is fun, and the introductory paragraphs are quite nice.

3. P44 - Wood for the Trees

While the story could have been more plainly presented, this was a fun, suspenseful tale with a really great atmosphere. The description was sparse, but not too sparse, and really kept me on my toes.

Honorable mention: Cousin Pa and Our Missus Clock. Cousin Pa was original and made me laugh. I wanted to give the latter a higher rating, because it was clear that a ton of care went into its creation. But the author wasn't able to mimic a 19th-century style well enough. Some of the phrases seemed really anachronistic, and I'd advise FlowerisBritish to spend a little more time studying Dickens.
 

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
My comments, after I cursed myself out. Right after reading Tangent's i had a really good idea for a story. Way better than the one I put up. Damn you time!!!! Also great job everyone! These were some really great stories!!


Mike M- Open Channel: This was cute and I really liked he constant mundanities of life like 'are we out of cereal?'

Tangent- Cousin Pa: took me a moment but I got a good chuckle when the whole weight of the story hit me. Good job.

P44: You did a really good job in your details, gave all the actions the appropriate weight. Your verb use was also really good in the first half with neat choices like "sift" but I felt like that kinda dropped off in the last half of the story. Verb use is weird, because unless it's natural it's usually kinda crap. My advice? Experiment with words, not necessarily thesaurus, but find some weird words and give them a try.

Croll- Neurosis: I loved this in a lot of ways, which is a shame because I super hate your ending, but I'll get to that in a second. A lot of your descriptions and events are just fantastic, really giving voice and personality to the main character. Like, I'm just going off in my head all the really good moments in this like the notecards, and the father saying he's spoiled, and the main character's general disinterest and confusion at everything. It's fantastic. Two big irks though. First, I don't think the second person narrative really works. Two, as I said before, I despise your ending. As I think about all the good stuff in the story before that, I just dislike it all the more. It's cliched, kinda defeats the joys of him being alone and different from others, and I hate the idea of this kid being like "how'd you do it" like it's some harry potter grandiose style separation and illusion. I don't like it. Not one bit. Loved your story though. Like a lot. I can't stress how much I loved about it. And also how much I hate your ending. So much. On both ends.

Ashes- A very Muslim Christmas: This is amazing in so many ways. First, I love the voice of the narrator, it starts off strong, and his confusion of not knowing how to handle Christmas is so consistent and so good that I want to just slow clap you. There are so many great lines;"Grandpa died at christmas" "Nobody minded" hell your opening few paragraphs. One minor yet major nitpick. Please delete your first line. Just my opinion, free to take it with salt, but please delete that last line. The line "The lucky bugger. I bet the tree is his fault too. Some way or another." is so much better than "er......." Opinion though, your story and you do whatever feels right for you.

Charade- Transfiguration: You're right, this was weird. I liked the parts where it really felt like the letter was talking to me. They were cool and weird. The twist also works well because it played on my willingness to accept that a letter was not only narrating, but quoting literature at me.

Cyan- The order of[...]vance(hoho English Major humor hoho)- you did a great job of giving the order personality with your writing. It felt like a fun thing I'd love to read more of. Also the restraint you used with your speaking parts was great. The moments before the dinner were great and tied the story together nicely. That said, the last one felt a little on the nose. Normally, I wouldn't be as bothered, but the lead up was really good.

Zweizer- Thank You: This was really sweet, and I really like your ending line. I half expected just 'Thank you' and was really glad you did a little more.

Valhelm- Interrogation: I love the concept and format of this piece, but I think that actual interrogation could use some work. They have no struggle, they just feel like someone says something, then the guy give a big exposition dump. Which is weird, because your last one doesn't have that problem. It feels natural, with them at first refusing, and then they are broken. There's a natural progression that makes way more sense to me than the first two.

Nezumi- Family Reunion: This grew on me the further I got into it. I really loved a lot of your characters, and just the general progression to the big reveal with the cigarette. This was a pretty funny family reunion. I laughed a good couple times.

GorillaWithDandruff- Cold: I really liked this, in part because I kinda get it. Last year I was homeless for a bit(Didn't keep my stuff in a shopping cart though) and Stone just kinda clicked with me because it's kind of just shitty, and sometimes you just really want to sit with a random someone and have a conversation. Your narration work was good, and while the ending is kinda cheesy I did like it.


1)Ashes-A very muslim Christmas
2) Croll- Neurosis
3)Cyan-The Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance

Little drunk, sorry for any typos or errors or such.
 

Tangent

Member
Oh whoa, today is Tuesday. Just got back in town, gonna start reading, but may not actually finish reading all entries... :-/ I'll update my prediction in a bit so that nobody is waiting for my votes if I won't be able to submit any.

Until then, Happy New Year everyone!
 

Valhelm

contribute something
Valhelm- Interrogation: I love the concept and format of this piece, but I think that actual interrogation could use some work. They have no struggle, they just feel like someone says something, then the guy give a big exposition dump. Which is weird, because your last one doesn't have that problem. It feels natural, with them at first refusing, and then they are broken. There's a natural progression that makes way more sense to me than the first two.

Thanks, that's pretty helpful. I really wanted to stick with the "only speaking once" rule, which ended up being pretty difficult given the interrogation medium.
 

Charade

Member
Short feedback/ramblings:

Cyan: Very charming and loved the imagery/how you set the scene.

Tangent: Short and sweet. I like the use of capitalization, which I think you've done before to great effect as well. And happy new year to you too!!

Zweizer: Interesting piece. I think it worked for me. Very calming.

Mike M: It was the rings!
Maybe
... I liked this. Smooth dialogue and lots of nice little details (ie annoying things that happen in real life :D)

P44: Connections! A double-edged sword, kinda :) I thought this led to a satisfying conclusion, though if I didn't know the theme I'm not sure I would have been as satisfied, if that makes sense? But that's an unfair point for these challenges I suppose, since we all know the theme!

Croll: Second person :O I thought this was really well written and a great use of second person. Like it wasn't really overbearing, since in my head I still thought of the "you" as a distinct character if that makes sense (whether that was intentional or not).

FlowersisBritish: I really liked the role switching between the wife and the clock, especially the way you used pronouns ("it" -> "she" and "she" -> "it". At least I think that was intentional?).

Ashes: Very reflective, lots of nice touches. A "real" feeling, like always. And even the non-ending was somewhat fitting I think.

Valhelm: I really liked the non-standard format. There seems to be a lot of world-building here. Is this part of some larger world/story of yours?

Charade: So this started as a thing about Milgram's small world experiment (connections!), and somehow turned into... this assassin thingy.

Nezumi: I like how this one played out. A nice progression, getting bits and pieces until you get the full picture at the end.

GorillaWithDandruff: Very sweet story. Fits the mood of the season :) Really like how you connected back to the cold fingers thing at the end. It was a nice touch.

Now that I think about it, there were a lot of heartwarming/sweet stories this challenge.

Votes!
1. Croll
2. Cyan
3. Mike M
HM: GorillaWithDandruff & Zweizer
 

Croll

Neo Member
Mike M - Open Channel - Really creative approach to the secondary objective and I thought the dialogue was great and flowed naturally. I'm just racking my brain trying to figure out whether there was some greater meaning to the squeaky wheel because you spent a good two paragraphs describing it but never really touched on it again. Was it supposed to be a metaphor for the communication in their marriage?

Tangent - Cousin Pa - I'm embarrassed to say that I had to draw myself a family tree to picture what was happening. Other than that I thought it was fun and quirky.

P44 - Woods for Trees - I got a very vivid sense of the setting and you did a good job of building tension. I guess my only suggestion would be to find a way to give the three characters a little more personality (which I know is difficult given the secondary objective) because it would give the ending more impact.

FlowersisBritish - Our Missus' Clock - Really great idea but even better execution. The changing of the pronouns at the end was fantastic.It brought to mind Poe and Lovecraft. There were a few awkwardly worded phrases ("bared ripe fruit" -> "bore ripe fruit") but other than that I very much enjoyed reading this one.

Ashes - A Very Muslim Christmas - Your story struck a chord with me having grown up as the only Asian kid in a very white, protestant neighborhood. We didn't really celebrate anything but I was always surrounded by the festivities. I was kind of hoping that after mentioning Dickens you would find a schmaltzy, Dickensian way to close it out.

Charade - Transfiguration - This story well written - the prose was varied and engaging; the descriptions put me in the shoes of the narrator. It added a sense of whimsy that a premise like this needs. I did get a little hung up pondering what happens if the recipient doesn't open the letter immediately. I imagine him getting shoved away in a dark drawer somewhere for the rest of eternity.

Cyan - The Order of the Cistercians of the Strict Observance - A funny read, very well written, and a clever way to handle the secondary objective.

Zweiger - Thank You - I liked the ending and I appreciate the message even if it was a bit didactic. I think you could have added some detail to the description of the accident given how life changing it was.

Valhelm - Interrogation - I think there are good ideas in here. The epistolary format is neat and some of the character's voices are well realized. That being said, you introduced a lot of characters in a short amount of time and referred to them by different code names as well as their real names which made it difficult to follow along. Also I feel like you could have gotten across the horror of the interrogations by saying less - leave it up to the reader's imagination. Plus, if these reports are being written by the interrogators it would lend more authenticity to the chosen format.

Nezumi - Family Reunion - In the beginning I was a little lost but each of the stories came together in a very satisfying way. It reminds me of something I read once from either a critic or a writer which went, "I would rather be confused for ten minutes than bored for five seconds."

GorillaWithDandruff - Open Channel - It's so easy with sentimental stories like these to go overboard to the point where they sound maudlin and corny but you managed to keep it grounded while still retaining the emotional impact in the end which I really commend you for.

1) FlowersisBritish
2) MikeM
3) Nezumi

Thanks as always to everyone who read and commented. Sorry you hated the ending so much Flowers. I guess the reason I made both of those choices (2nd person + the ending) was because I was trying to get across the feeling that you're always acting out some role whether its at work or home or with your friends and it gets to the point where you've become the things that you were just pretending to be. But maybe I'm the only one who feels that way ><.
 

Mike M

Nick N
Mike M: I was shooting to make it ambiguous as to whether the conversation in the narrator’s head was imaginary or not, but I’m not sure it was successful as the only indication that it would be made up would be a rather ham-fisted line toward the end about how he’s capable of having an entire conversation in his head without her. I also found that writing a telepathic/inner dialogue is tricky as all fuck, as just having a wall of italicized text without quotation marks can make it difficult to discern who’s speaking, but trying to break it up with bylines and actions can wreck the pacing of the dialogue itself.

Tangent: Taking a challenge where the characters speak only once yet having nearly the entire story be conveyed in dialogue seems bound to put a hard cap on the word count you’re going to manage. Wasn’t a fan of the all caps for emphasis. Works out fine for forum posting, but kind of grates on my nerves when used in prose. Not that I’m one to talk, I’m sure I’ve done it many times in the past. But Past Mike is a chump that clearly didn’t know what he was doing.

P44: I had some nits to pick with this one. Besides generally standing to benefit from an editor (i.e. you mention that Jon was “confused with reason” twice in the space of five sentences), there was some suspension of disbelief issues with me. A compound that is guarding something expanding their facility without matching their ability to guard it? A waist-high wall of bricks that aren’t even mortared together as any sort of fortification? None of this rang true to me.

Croll: Interesting premise, but the second-person tense strangles this one in the crib. The hazard of second--person tense is that the second you ascribe something to the reader that isn’t true, it snaps the immersion like a twig. Instead of reading about this character who is formally diagnosed with a lack-of-personality disorder and thinking “Hm, that’s interesting” (and believe me, I wanted to, because that’s a great hook), I spent the whole time going “What? No I’m not.” At the risk of getting prescriptivist (Which I’m making a whole-hearted effort to avoid these days), I think just switching this to a third person narrative would automatically improve it dramatically.

FlowersisBritish: The start of it seems almost a breakneck pace as we condense what must be several years into two paragraphs, only for the remaining eight drawn out over the rest of the piece. To say the pacing was uneven is an understatement. While I felt the language and prose over all was commendable, I also felt tripped up by some of the grammar (i.e. “could not move nor speak” as opposed to “could neither move nor speak” or “could not move or speak,” the inconsistent capitalization of “Missus,” etc.), but seeing as how it’s a first person narrative, it could potentially be chalked up to the grammatical failings of the narrator himself, I guess? But he’s clearly from money (speaking of which, if they can afford servants who live on the grounds, why on earth does it fall to him to do such menial tasks as repair work and painting?), so I would expect him to be educated. While not a 1:1 analogy, the ending did seem heavily indebted to The Telltale Heart.

Ashes: I thought people in England wished each other a Happy Christmas, or was that just more of J.K. Rowling’s lies (Though I’m reasonably sure I heard that well before reading any Harry Potter novels)? I grew up without Christmas myself, but while my family was not quiiiite the entirely odd ones out (There were at least two other families that were Jewish on my block, which in retrospect is actually kind of astounding given the city’s demographics), none of us got together on the holiday to do anything. We mostly just went out to the movies and ate Chinese food. Christmas used to be a really great day of the year to hit up Disneyland, but then the rest of the gentiles caught on to our dastardly Zionist plot and now it’s one of the busiest days of the year.
The irony is that by a series of bizarre quirks, I am not in any way Jewish. Figure that one out.

Charade: Weirdo. No seriously, I liked this one quite a bit, it was perhaps the most original and interesting magical assassination system I’ve ever encountered. Incredibly good starting point, but it raises questions that I would hope to see smoothed over in a longer piece, i.e. why not just address the letter to the recipient from the get go? There are precautions against premature transformation, but what if someone did decide to crumple up the page/cut it up with scissors, etc.?

Cyan: By weaving it into the story as a plot point, this is probably the best execution of the secondary objective this time around. If I hadn’t seen Valhelm’s comment about it being a retelling of a joke, I’d have heaped praise upon you and lauded your cleverness. It was still damned good, but knowing it’s an old chestnut given a new… coat… of chestnut… iness… is kind of like knowing how a magician performs the trick.

Zweizer: Run on sentences, run on sentences everywhere D : I confess a bit of confusion at what happened at the end? Is this the autobiographical story of the story itself? If that’s the case, I don’t think that it quite worked. None of the things that it described as having happened in its life could really be applied to the existence of a story, even if I wrack my brain and stretch the meaning of everything it told me had happened. In the end, we really are just left with a pretty dull story with nothing happening.

Valhelm: I haven’t sat in on many interrogations, and I may be speaking from a position of having been unduly influenced by popular media, but much of this didn’t seem very natural for me. You’ve got large blocks of unbroken narration, where I would expect there to be some sort of actions or pauses interspersed within it (Though I will grant it’s a transcript and not a narrative). The science fiction angle seemed superfluous to me, it complicated things beyond the fact that the format and subject matter would already be prone to obscuring things from the reader.

Nezumi: I had to reread this one because I was utterly baffled as to what Aidin’s job actually was. I somehow misread the ghost as being the one sitting in the chair and was subsequently thrown at the end, thinking that the customer was just another dead family member. There’s a kind of bitter irony in that he has the actual ability to communicate with the dead, and yet in the end he offers the same false platitudes as any charlatan. I think I may have liked to have seen that played up more.

GorillaWithDandruff: I am a cold and unfeeling monster, and as such naked plays at sentimentality are kind of a turn off for me. While it was a nice sentiment and very much in keeping with the spirit of the holidays, it didn’t do much for me. Stone should have taken the offer for the trip to the shelter if he was that concerned about the cold.

THE VOTENING:

1. Ashes
2. Cyan
3. Charade
 

Tangent

Member
Sorry guys, just came back into town and family crap is hitting the fan. Won't be able to make votes this time around. Thanks for all the feedback, though, on my half-baked story written while traveling (I didn't even realize the extended deadline when I submitted! Oops! More procrastination time was available!). It was new for me to use that many caps, I think. Funny how some disliked and some liked caps. Hmm...

Tangent - Cousin Pa - I'm embarrassed to say that I had to draw myself a family tree to picture what was happening.
Honestly, it took me forever and a half to make sense of the connection!
 

Valhelm

contribute something
Valhelm: I really liked the non-standard format. There seems to be a lot of world-building here. Is this part of some larger world/story of yours?

Nah, I wanted to try to create something new for this one, without too much exposition. It's supposed to be an orbital colony, if that wasn't clear. I did my best to make the worldbuilding subtle but not invisible.
 
Damnt. Late again as usual.

1. Neurosis
2. Open Channel
3. A Very Muslim Christmas

Great stuff guys! Holy crap. Don't know how it took me so long to find this side of GAF.
 

P44

Member
1. Cousin Pa - the first time I read it, I laughed. And then read it again.
2. A very Muslim Christmas - Interesting, a lot because it mirrors a lot of stuff I've seen personally. It was well done.
3. Mike M - I really enjoyed the sort of dreaminess of it. It's almost like drifting off and daydreaming whilst shopping or something, but then it's not because of the ambiguity, its just well pitched.
 

Zweizer

Banned
Thanks for the feedback, everyone! Seems like my attempt at writing a more metaphorical story has mostly failed, haha. As Mike noted, I really need to improve my writing skills first.
 

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Well this is awkward, we've got a tie between Cyan and Ashes. Both have 13 points both have 2 1st place, 3 seconds, and 1 third. Might have done my math wrong, but now what? Flip a coin?
 

Cyan

Banned
Well this is awkward, we've got a tie between Cyan and Ashes. Both have 13 points both have 2 1st place, 3 seconds, and 1 third. Might have done my math wrong, but now what? Flip a coin?

Typically we've used the least-recent-winner approach as a final tiebreaker. I picked up one of the recent ones (153, I think), so that probably gives it to Ashes.
 

Mike M

Nick N
Well this is awkward, we've got a tie between Cyan and Ashes. Both have 13 points both have 2 1st place, 3 seconds, and 1 third. Might have done my math wrong, but now what? Flip a coin?
I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, whoever guesses closest wins!

Cyan has won more often, maybe he will concede?
But Ashes allegedly hates winning and needing to come up with the next challenge. Quite a predicament!
 

Nezumi

Member
I informed Ashes a bit earlier that he was in the lead and that he needed to vote and he voted and responded with "Hopefully not any longer". I might read this wrong but I think it means that he would gladly pass on the opportunity to make the next thread :)
 

Nezumi

Member
Oh, and before we all move on to the next thread I would like to wish all of you a very Happy New Year! I hereby pledge as one of my new years resolutions that I will submit something to every single one of these challenges and even if it is only a kick-ass Haiku ;)

I'm looking forward to a 2015 of wonderful and diverse stories!

7c727bc5fec04f1c2cddfbe0e0774c79-cheerleading-crab-is-rooting-for-you.gif


The gif doesn't really make sense but I love this little fellow and I'm also slightly drunk
 

Mike M

Nick N
Happy New Year's guys. Gotta say I'm really excited for this coming year. Been wanting to write for so long and now I finally have an actual incentive.

v4rFG.gif
I would see these threads pop up for *years,* but I would only ever see them as entries/votes were being posted. But then I caught one at the start two years ago, and I've been on board every week (with one exception) ever since.

Now I start hyperventilating into a paper bag if Wednesday rolls around and I don't have a draft done.

Speaking of which...

*Huff huff*
 
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