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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #21 - "Foreign"
- Thread starter bengraven
- Start date
- Status
:lolronito said:
This is my first time writing fiction in a really, really long time. I rarely come into OT, so maybe I'll make this a regular thing for me. Definitely need to read other people's entries though. Thanks for the feedback :lol
:lol nice! *applaud*Motion Picture Soundtrack said:
liquidspeed
Member
Cyan said:
"Almost felt like I was there at points" - Yeah that is what I was going for. The theme of this thread is "Foreign,"
and I hoped that throughout the story, the reader could see and hear the environment to the extent that, they would be the ones experiancing it. That the reader would be in the hurricane, watching and hearing, and feeling.... experiancing the horror almost first hand. At the end, the reader enters the EYE and hopefully the tension, fear, and vivid imagery of of the storm's power that have built up over the course of the story, are suddenly released and become calm as they enter the eye.... I want the reader to enter the eye first hand, and have that peace, cerenity, and awe sweep over them, creating a "foreign feeling"
Thank you so much for your criticisms though, and will keep them in mind with the next story.
Thanks for the undeserved praise.ronito said:
About it being a snippet, it wasn't so much intentional as it was really, really hard to write any more scenes in this particular format. I attempted a few other scenes, mainly on the character leaving England and getting ready for the war, but they were just plain awful. If I was going to do it as a larger story, I'd probably drop the journal format.
AndersTheSwede
Member
Super short, but I think it might more fit the form of a web posting (actually I just couldn't make it longer, so I decided not to force it and just clipped it off).
***
Graveyard Love
What was the name of that fucking song? They were on their way back now, sometime after 2 in the morning, in the car, an old junker station wagon with the cloth roof sagging down to their heads. She had fallen asleep, as she usually did, lulled by the rhythm of the road, folded cross-legged in her seat like a piece of origami. Her head turned toward him.
He was the opposite. Their time together always jolted him awake, out of his daily stupor. And the lights from passing cars were punching him. What was the name of that fucking song? It had just played on the radio, oscillating between relaxed introspection and wild gyration. He was spontaneously obsessed and she wasnt awake to distract and focus him.
They had come from the cemetery. They went often. A strange place for a late-night date, perhaps. But it was quiet, calm, peaceful and devoid of the living. They would walk hand in hand between the lanes of the dead, usually saying little. The only light from streetlamps far off by the road, their orange light filtering through the surrounding trees and casting opposing shadows. Her hair always looked lighter in this light, her skin more glowing. Love at first streetlight.
Usually they didnt, but sometimes they would fuck. Rolling between graves, or bent over headstones. Its the only pussy this guys been around in a 100 years! Were doing him a favor! Afterward theyd lay naked in the grass staring upwards at the halo cast off by the city, blotting out all but the most determined stars. He guessed this is why they came here to the graveyard. It was so foreign and removed from what surrounded them. Peace amongst the dead.
Once she asked him, Is this Love? Is this how it happens? What answer could he give? I suppose. It was a lame answer, but its a question with no answer, perhaps he should have said nothing, because she had seemed unnerved, confused of the path she had latched herself to. Love in a graveyard. It conformed to nothing.
What was the name of that fucking song? It was still hammering away at his brain in the present, whispers of lyrics. Lets sleep in this ditch tonight and forever. Sometime he wished they could do just that. Sleep between the graves tonight and forever, together and alone, happy and isolated. But it was a foolish and impossible wish.
Key-chain wedding ring, whatcha say we get married? Is that was people do, when they think they may be in love? Get married? He guessed so; its what both of their parents expected. But something told him, nagging at the back of his brain, that their wistful lurches of love wouldnt survive such etching in stone, such things might survive on a gravestone, but not amongst people.
Light was punching him hard, closer than before, and then it was through the window. Theres nothing more I could want to do than be with you. He wondered if he should be so calm, and in that split second, that sliver of the moment, he looked over at her. She was awake now, in the act of unfolding, staring directly into his eyes without fear. He finally remembered that song. In the middle of the car crash you turned to me and said, living so pretty lets do it again. He mouthed the words to her, and then they were out the window and into the ditch.
***
Graveyard Love
What was the name of that fucking song? They were on their way back now, sometime after 2 in the morning, in the car, an old junker station wagon with the cloth roof sagging down to their heads. She had fallen asleep, as she usually did, lulled by the rhythm of the road, folded cross-legged in her seat like a piece of origami. Her head turned toward him.
He was the opposite. Their time together always jolted him awake, out of his daily stupor. And the lights from passing cars were punching him. What was the name of that fucking song? It had just played on the radio, oscillating between relaxed introspection and wild gyration. He was spontaneously obsessed and she wasnt awake to distract and focus him.
They had come from the cemetery. They went often. A strange place for a late-night date, perhaps. But it was quiet, calm, peaceful and devoid of the living. They would walk hand in hand between the lanes of the dead, usually saying little. The only light from streetlamps far off by the road, their orange light filtering through the surrounding trees and casting opposing shadows. Her hair always looked lighter in this light, her skin more glowing. Love at first streetlight.
Usually they didnt, but sometimes they would fuck. Rolling between graves, or bent over headstones. Its the only pussy this guys been around in a 100 years! Were doing him a favor! Afterward theyd lay naked in the grass staring upwards at the halo cast off by the city, blotting out all but the most determined stars. He guessed this is why they came here to the graveyard. It was so foreign and removed from what surrounded them. Peace amongst the dead.
Once she asked him, Is this Love? Is this how it happens? What answer could he give? I suppose. It was a lame answer, but its a question with no answer, perhaps he should have said nothing, because she had seemed unnerved, confused of the path she had latched herself to. Love in a graveyard. It conformed to nothing.
What was the name of that fucking song? It was still hammering away at his brain in the present, whispers of lyrics. Lets sleep in this ditch tonight and forever. Sometime he wished they could do just that. Sleep between the graves tonight and forever, together and alone, happy and isolated. But it was a foolish and impossible wish.
Key-chain wedding ring, whatcha say we get married? Is that was people do, when they think they may be in love? Get married? He guessed so; its what both of their parents expected. But something told him, nagging at the back of his brain, that their wistful lurches of love wouldnt survive such etching in stone, such things might survive on a gravestone, but not amongst people.
Light was punching him hard, closer than before, and then it was through the window. Theres nothing more I could want to do than be with you. He wondered if he should be so calm, and in that split second, that sliver of the moment, he looked over at her. She was awake now, in the act of unfolding, staring directly into his eyes without fear. He finally remembered that song. In the middle of the car crash you turned to me and said, living so pretty lets do it again. He mouthed the words to her, and then they were out the window and into the ditch.
The song is Car Crash by Cloud Cult
hey_monkey
Banned
I have been dying to participate in one of these and I think I may just make it here at last! Gonna edit and try to find all the words that are supposed to be in italics. (edit: okay, i'm going to stop editing now but i just wrote this and am kinda spazzing about it)
edited: because I don't keep any writing at all online any longer; if you want a copy of this for whatever reason, just to keep up with the challenges, please PM. sorry if this bugs anyone; it's just how I roll.
edited: because I don't keep any writing at all online any longer; if you want a copy of this for whatever reason, just to keep up with the challenges, please PM. sorry if this bugs anyone; it's just how I roll.
Rabzmatazz
-----
There's no business like show-business, especially if you're a rabbit in -- which case you should be having no business with humans at all outside of stealing the occasional lettuce or being in a stew.
(Lags Rabbit: My Story)
------
January 20 2015
Dear Diary,
Alakazam! I ACTUALLY DID IT, Tonight's show. Rabbit out of hat trick . SUCCESS ! Crap crap crap I was bricking myself --- they say that the sticking your hand in is like sticking your hand through the entire universe. Heck my arm could've world of needles and broken glass or something. This is how us REAL magicians roll. And the rabbit's such a sweet little guy. I'm already attached to him, could be the eyes. Man, I don't want to let him go but the S.O.R.M policy...
------
Dear Mr.Luiz,
I am pleased to announce that I completed the rabbit-out-of-hat trick at a recent show. The rabbit is healthy, and has started to speak. He can already recite the alphabet, but he is refusing to stand on his two hind paws.
Your sincerely,
Hector Joseph
------
RABBIT CAST IN LEADING ROLE IN HOLLYWOOD BUCKBUSTER
March 3, 2015
.....
....
Lags Rabbit will make his big screen debut in Sunny Day, starring alongside Shia Labeouf and Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Lags was recruited from Luiz Talent Agency. Barry Luiz, owner of the agency, said,
Our agency has a long history of cultivating animal actors, who have all had legendary careers. Lags will be no different.
Other rabbits signed to the Luiz Talent Agency include Bugs Bunny, and Peter Rabbit.
------
Review Sunny Day (2016)
It would have been easy to cast Shia Labeouf as the front man and new star, Lags Rabbi his wise-cracking sidekick and if Lags' fluffy-tailed predecessors are anything to go by, we would have had a 'bunny-cop' comedy classic on our hands. Surprisingly, Sunny Day is more Lethal Weapon than Turner and Hooch, thanks to Lags's carnivorous portrayal of Jack Gage, a corrupt police officer who murders his commissioner. After this stunning performance, there's no doubt about it: Lags is most definitely on the road to becoming an acting vegetarian I mean, veteran.
------
Elmira, my biggest fan
------
NuFAB > Discussions > Film Discussion
Freshview: Official The Further I Walk thread of Wabbit Stew Summer 2017
------
Suzy, my biggest fan
------
INTERVIEW Fractured Magazine, December issue
Fractured: Mabily?
Lags: Where I was born and raised. You can't get there by plane or boat or car or anything like that even if you looked hard enough. It's hard there. Hundreds of rabbits like me constantly running from twice as many foxes, and no burrows to hide in because the ground's too tough to dig through. It's all grey and brown. Hardly a patch of green or blue to be seen.
Fractured: Like a kind of rabbit ghetto (laughs)
Lags: I know you're taking the mick, but that comparison isn't too far off. It's all about survival, and the only thing helping us to survive is our high reproduction rate. When you're dragged up and out by a human hand -- which is how we Mabily Rabbits get here -- you tend to get the initial glimmer of hope and freedom, then all of a sudden you're being forced to abandon your species.
Fractured: That's pretty shocking.
Lags: I know you're humouring me. That's what so sad about it. It's been happening for generations. And not one, not one of us has stopped for a second and thought, 'this isn't right.' Bugs Bunny didn't. Roger Rabbit didn't. The does are even worse, turning themselves into sl*** just to please a human ideal. Jessica and Lola and the Cadbury's rabbit should be ashamed of themselves. Give me a nice, quadrupedal, furry doe anyday. As I say, 'Does -- not ****'. And what has Jessica done to herself? Man, you guys have Michael Jackson -- we've got Jessica Rabbit.
Fractured: And the Cadbury's Bunny is currently in rehab.
Lags: See. (Laughs) Mabily's an awful place to live in, but heck, I'd say here's even worse. At least with the foxes they eat you, spit out your bones and that's the end of it. Humans eat you, spit out your bones, stick them together so you're standing on your hind paws, then breathe life back into you.
Fractured: You're still here, though, and you've become, you must have enjoyed it.
Lags: I didn't know any better back then, did I? But unlike the others, unlike Bugs and the Donnie Darko rabbit or whoever, I knew things were going too far. And I'm doing something about it. No offense to the buck, but next time I meet Bugs and he goes 'What's up, doc?' I'll reply with ' Oh. nothing much, just trying to find the cure to the Mabily problem.'
Fractured: (Laughs) Interesting. Any upcoming films?
Lags: As I said, I'm doing something about it. I'm currently working on a documentary about my home land, lifting the lid on all this crap.
------
The Sun, Friday 16th December 2016
LAGS BURROWS HIS OWN GRAVE
------
Daily Mail, Friday 16th December 2016
SECRET RABBITS: ANGRY LAGS B'RERS ALL
-----
------
Dear Hector,
It's me, Lags, the rabbit you pulled out of your magic hat a few years ago. I forgive you for selling me into slavery. Hopefully you're still at this address. I need your help, so contact me on 0294 234 234
P.S. They finally got me to stand on my hind legs, as you've probably already noticed. Although it won't be for much longer
Seeya,
Lags
------
Dear Jazam,
I am sad to say that due to recent events, our century-long relationship will have to come to an end. At the upcoming press conference, I have no choice to reveal what I know about S.O.R.M. In many ways, this was an inevitability, and thus I am deeply sad that my agency will no longer be able to use the talents of the Mabily rabbits.
Best regards,
Luiz
------
To: WizzyWow23@hotmail.com, Alakazippyzam2@gmail.com, RealIllusion2010@gmail.com,
FinalTrick000@gmail.com
From: Jazam_Flash@hotmail.com
Subject: Urgent
I'm sure all you heard the news. That bastard and his blackmailing agency wants to bring the S.O.R.M down. Meeting next Thursday, at the Magic Dome.
Jazam, Leader of the Society Of Real Magicians
------
Extract from Meeting Minutes:
Hector made the point that there is no way to stop S.O.R.M being revealed to the public, so they may as well support Lags, since we owe the rabbits so much. Also, by helping the Mabily effort, it will portray us in a good light, letting the people know that they have not been using magic irresponsibly. Pointed out that real magic isn't required to perform, illusionists are more impressive. Will help Lags transport filming equipment to Mabily via hat linking.
------
POST-SHOOT SCRIPT: LIFE OF THE MABILY RABBIT
(Lags and a native Mabily rabbit exchange sniffs. Lags turns to the camera to translate)
LAGS
He says that only a few rabbits managed to escape Mabily, including Alsa and Nanabozho, the former of which is known to humans as the Easter Bunny.
LAGS
And that the common Mabily rabbits rely on the Big Hand to descend from the sky and take them to paradise.
LAGS
I asked my friend here what he thinks paradise is. He says that there are green fields filled with cabbages, and warm, safe burrows to sleep in.
NARRATOR LAGS
All Mabily rabbits, including a young me, dreamed of a place like this, far far away from this post-apocalyptic wasteland. But what will my friend here think when he discovers that this paradise does exist, but not without consequences? I give him the news.
(Mabily rabbit stops sniffing)
(Cut to dusty plain, where Foxes surround a stunned Mabily rabbit. Lags drives his buggy towards the camera, scaring the foxes away. Lags gets out and starts walking towards the camera)
LAGS
I've just deprived the fox of his meal, but you have to understand this isn't a wildlife documentary. These are the same rabbits that star in your films, the same rabbits who you humanise, and treat as equals.
-------
CONTROVERSIAL RABBIT DOCUMENTARY TOUCHES HEARTS
------
MABILY RABBITS COME OVER
Lags Rabbit has set up a studio that exclusively produces films starring Mabily rabbits
Lagamorph Studio's first film, Rabsmatazz, is about a Rabbit who dumps his harem to become monogamous will hit the big screen in 2020.
------
The Cabbage Patch
Thursday March 12, 2020
FARMER STRIKE AGAINST RABBIT RAMPAGE
"They say they're performers, but what about all the failed ones? What about the
bankrupt ones and hasbeens that will inevitably start picking around our farms?"
------
The Cabbage Patch
Wednesday April 22, 2020
WHAT ABOUT THE MABILY FOXES?
-----
There's no business like show-business, especially if you're a rabbit in -- which case you should be having no business with humans at all outside of stealing the occasional lettuce or being in a stew.
(Lags Rabbit: My Story)
------
January 20 2015
Dear Diary,
Alakazam! I ACTUALLY DID IT, Tonight's show. Rabbit out of hat trick . SUCCESS ! Crap crap crap I was bricking myself --- they say that the sticking your hand in is like sticking your hand through the entire universe. Heck my arm could've world of needles and broken glass or something. This is how us REAL magicians roll. And the rabbit's such a sweet little guy. I'm already attached to him, could be the eyes. Man, I don't want to let him go but the S.O.R.M policy...
------
Dear Mr.Luiz,
I am pleased to announce that I completed the rabbit-out-of-hat trick at a recent show. The rabbit is healthy, and has started to speak. He can already recite the alphabet, but he is refusing to stand on his two hind paws.
Your sincerely,
Hector Joseph
------
RABBIT CAST IN LEADING ROLE IN HOLLYWOOD BUCKBUSTER
March 3, 2015
.....
....
Lags Rabbit will make his big screen debut in Sunny Day, starring alongside Shia Labeouf and Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Lags was recruited from Luiz Talent Agency. Barry Luiz, owner of the agency, said,
Our agency has a long history of cultivating animal actors, who have all had legendary careers. Lags will be no different.
Other rabbits signed to the Luiz Talent Agency include Bugs Bunny, and Peter Rabbit.
------
Review Sunny Day (2016)
It would have been easy to cast Shia Labeouf as the front man and new star, Lags Rabbi his wise-cracking sidekick and if Lags' fluffy-tailed predecessors are anything to go by, we would have had a 'bunny-cop' comedy classic on our hands. Surprisingly, Sunny Day is more Lethal Weapon than Turner and Hooch, thanks to Lags's carnivorous portrayal of Jack Gage, a corrupt police officer who murders his commissioner. After this stunning performance, there's no doubt about it: Lags is most definitely on the road to becoming an acting vegetarian I mean, veteran.
------
Elmira, my biggest fan
------
NuFAB > Discussions > Film Discussion
Freshview: Official The Further I Walk thread of Wabbit Stew Summer 2017
Green_Dove said:
Son_of_a_Babushka said:
Green_Dove said:
rizzler324 said:
Kabato said:
SabroPapi said:
Baleout said:
The Real Ms De Winter said:
Ryan White said:
1432_321 said:
------
Suzy, my biggest fan
------
INTERVIEW Fractured Magazine, December issue
Fractured: Mabily?
Lags: Where I was born and raised. You can't get there by plane or boat or car or anything like that even if you looked hard enough. It's hard there. Hundreds of rabbits like me constantly running from twice as many foxes, and no burrows to hide in because the ground's too tough to dig through. It's all grey and brown. Hardly a patch of green or blue to be seen.
Fractured: Like a kind of rabbit ghetto (laughs)
Lags: I know you're taking the mick, but that comparison isn't too far off. It's all about survival, and the only thing helping us to survive is our high reproduction rate. When you're dragged up and out by a human hand -- which is how we Mabily Rabbits get here -- you tend to get the initial glimmer of hope and freedom, then all of a sudden you're being forced to abandon your species.
Fractured: That's pretty shocking.
Lags: I know you're humouring me. That's what so sad about it. It's been happening for generations. And not one, not one of us has stopped for a second and thought, 'this isn't right.' Bugs Bunny didn't. Roger Rabbit didn't. The does are even worse, turning themselves into sl*** just to please a human ideal. Jessica and Lola and the Cadbury's rabbit should be ashamed of themselves. Give me a nice, quadrupedal, furry doe anyday. As I say, 'Does -- not ****'. And what has Jessica done to herself? Man, you guys have Michael Jackson -- we've got Jessica Rabbit.
Fractured: And the Cadbury's Bunny is currently in rehab.
Lags: See. (Laughs) Mabily's an awful place to live in, but heck, I'd say here's even worse. At least with the foxes they eat you, spit out your bones and that's the end of it. Humans eat you, spit out your bones, stick them together so you're standing on your hind paws, then breathe life back into you.
Fractured: You're still here, though, and you've become, you must have enjoyed it.
Lags: I didn't know any better back then, did I? But unlike the others, unlike Bugs and the Donnie Darko rabbit or whoever, I knew things were going too far. And I'm doing something about it. No offense to the buck, but next time I meet Bugs and he goes 'What's up, doc?' I'll reply with ' Oh. nothing much, just trying to find the cure to the Mabily problem.'
Fractured: (Laughs) Interesting. Any upcoming films?
Lags: As I said, I'm doing something about it. I'm currently working on a documentary about my home land, lifting the lid on all this crap.
------
The Sun, Friday 16th December 2016
LAGS BURROWS HIS OWN GRAVE
------
Daily Mail, Friday 16th December 2016
SECRET RABBITS: ANGRY LAGS B'RERS ALL
-----
Green_Dove said:
PanOut said:
Son of a Babuska said:
ladycaramel342 said:
Ryan White said:
thebuzzcock said:
Son_of_a_Babushka said:
Rizzler said:
Kabato said:
HappySnappy said:
------
Dear Hector,
It's me, Lags, the rabbit you pulled out of your magic hat a few years ago. I forgive you for selling me into slavery. Hopefully you're still at this address. I need your help, so contact me on 0294 234 234
P.S. They finally got me to stand on my hind legs, as you've probably already noticed. Although it won't be for much longer
Seeya,
Lags
------
Dear Jazam,
I am sad to say that due to recent events, our century-long relationship will have to come to an end. At the upcoming press conference, I have no choice to reveal what I know about S.O.R.M. In many ways, this was an inevitability, and thus I am deeply sad that my agency will no longer be able to use the talents of the Mabily rabbits.
Best regards,
Luiz
------
To: WizzyWow23@hotmail.com, Alakazippyzam2@gmail.com, RealIllusion2010@gmail.com,
FinalTrick000@gmail.com
From: Jazam_Flash@hotmail.com
Subject: Urgent
I'm sure all you heard the news. That bastard and his blackmailing agency wants to bring the S.O.R.M down. Meeting next Thursday, at the Magic Dome.
Jazam, Leader of the Society Of Real Magicians
------
Extract from Meeting Minutes:
Hector made the point that there is no way to stop S.O.R.M being revealed to the public, so they may as well support Lags, since we owe the rabbits so much. Also, by helping the Mabily effort, it will portray us in a good light, letting the people know that they have not been using magic irresponsibly. Pointed out that real magic isn't required to perform, illusionists are more impressive. Will help Lags transport filming equipment to Mabily via hat linking.
------
POST-SHOOT SCRIPT: LIFE OF THE MABILY RABBIT
(Lags and a native Mabily rabbit exchange sniffs. Lags turns to the camera to translate)
LAGS
He says that only a few rabbits managed to escape Mabily, including Alsa and Nanabozho, the former of which is known to humans as the Easter Bunny.
LAGS
And that the common Mabily rabbits rely on the Big Hand to descend from the sky and take them to paradise.
LAGS
I asked my friend here what he thinks paradise is. He says that there are green fields filled with cabbages, and warm, safe burrows to sleep in.
NARRATOR LAGS
All Mabily rabbits, including a young me, dreamed of a place like this, far far away from this post-apocalyptic wasteland. But what will my friend here think when he discovers that this paradise does exist, but not without consequences? I give him the news.
(Mabily rabbit stops sniffing)
(Cut to dusty plain, where Foxes surround a stunned Mabily rabbit. Lags drives his buggy towards the camera, scaring the foxes away. Lags gets out and starts walking towards the camera)
LAGS
I've just deprived the fox of his meal, but you have to understand this isn't a wildlife documentary. These are the same rabbits that star in your films, the same rabbits who you humanise, and treat as equals.
-------
CONTROVERSIAL RABBIT DOCUMENTARY TOUCHES HEARTS
------
MABILY RABBITS COME OVER
Lags Rabbit has set up a studio that exclusively produces films starring Mabily rabbits
Lagamorph Studio's first film, Rabsmatazz, is about a Rabbit who dumps his harem to become monogamous will hit the big screen in 2020.
------
The Cabbage Patch
Thursday March 12, 2020
FARMER STRIKE AGAINST RABBIT RAMPAGE
"They say they're performers, but what about all the failed ones? What about the
bankrupt ones and hasbeens that will inevitably start picking around our farms?"
------
The Cabbage Patch
Wednesday April 22, 2020
WHAT ABOUT THE MABILY FOXES?
Here's the (attempt of a) poem. The story above is the entry, this is just something I felt like doing:
Bitter Britlander
My friend Ming called from China one night
He called my little home in York
Ming said, "Long time no speak, Dwight"
And after exchanging pleasantries, he continued to talk,
"After having checked my bank accounts
Because the travel bug had suddenly bitten
I found good fortune, so I'd like to announce
That I'm starting my journey in Britain"
I said, "If you have plenty of wealth,
Then why not an African savannah?
But, I suppose, as a British man myself
I'll advise you in a helpful manner
Said Ming, "First will be the Scot Lands
I heard in terms of culture, it's hard to beat
My route starts from Edinburgh, and ends in the Highlands
But I still need advice on what to eat
"Try" ,I said, "Black puds, square potato,
And Haggis if you've got no morals,
Oh, a culinary fact that you might not know:
The Scottish indirectly caused McDonalds
"Then," said Ming, I'll be stopping in Cymru
I'll become a hiker, Mount Snowdown I shall climb
And when I come down, I'll go to a sheep party
Oh, I'll have such a Wales of a time!"
"Ah, Let's hope there isn't British Weather
When you're climbing in Snowdonia
'Cos if the wind doesn't snap your tether
You're sure to fall to British pneumonia"
Said Meng, "And England...I'd go there for the tea
(Don't laugh -- I know it sounds quite minor)"
To which I replied to my good friend Li,
"Then you're better off in China!"
Bitter Britlander
My friend Ming called from China one night
He called my little home in York
Ming said, "Long time no speak, Dwight"
And after exchanging pleasantries, he continued to talk,
"After having checked my bank accounts
Because the travel bug had suddenly bitten
I found good fortune, so I'd like to announce
That I'm starting my journey in Britain"
I said, "If you have plenty of wealth,
Then why not an African savannah?
But, I suppose, as a British man myself
I'll advise you in a helpful manner
Said Ming, "First will be the Scot Lands
I heard in terms of culture, it's hard to beat
My route starts from Edinburgh, and ends in the Highlands
But I still need advice on what to eat
"Try" ,I said, "Black puds, square potato,
And Haggis if you've got no morals,
Oh, a culinary fact that you might not know:
The Scottish indirectly caused McDonalds
"Then," said Ming, I'll be stopping in Cymru
I'll become a hiker, Mount Snowdown I shall climb
And when I come down, I'll go to a sheep party
Oh, I'll have such a Wales of a time!"
"Ah, Let's hope there isn't British Weather
When you're climbing in Snowdonia
'Cos if the wind doesn't snap your tether
You're sure to fall to British pneumonia"
Said Meng, "And England...I'd go there for the tea
(Don't laugh -- I know it sounds quite minor)"
To which I replied to my good friend Li,
"Then you're better off in China!"
Yea, the heavy focus on dialogue was more or less because of a gut feeling. I felt it was basically the only suitable way I could think of telling the story in that manner. I could have told it more through description, but then it might have been too detached (which I didn't want, I wanted it to be about Gil telling a story, not so much about me telling a story about Gil telling a story). Probably would have worked better if this was a smaller piece of a bigger whole (and more sections being descriptive), but ah well.Cyan said:
Hmm, very good point. I was trying to alternate enough so that the same names wouldn't be repeated too many times, but in hindsight I probably worried about nothing.
Thanks for the crit!
I got only three-quarters of the way through the first draft. I knew my idea for this would challenge me, so I had to try it. It's not a big idea or anything like that, but I'm sure it has to be formulated carefully. But it just took me too long to develop and frame it. I'm not sure I have a handle on it at the moment even. However, I'll probably post the draft when it's finished, so I won't be tempted to reuse it for another challenge. Bwahahah!Cyan said:
AndersTheSwede: Some grammar checks would've helped. Try to pay attention sentence structure and what is the best way to say what you want but to keep the pace. I had a teacher that told me to think of each period as a beat. Honestly I felt the song was unneeded. When you worked with the wonderful imagery of love in a graveyard you really got me. But then going back to the song you totally lost me. You did really well with the other parts.
Hey_Monkey: Where the hell have you been?! This is good. Let me tell you why I like it. Fresh description. I like the reverse shadow bit, the hiccup of expression. This is also a snippet and not a journey. But for some reason I'm ok with that. Perhaps it's because of what it's about. I hope you continue to participate.
Scribble: The thing that's nice about these challenges is that everyone has their own style. You got Nitewulf with his hard boiled fiction, DumbNameD with his poetic snippets of life, Aaron who's entries always feel like a beginning of a book, TimeDog and his unpredictable styel, and you and Cyan are what I consider to be our "concept" writers who always come up with something new. So I was expecting something out of the ordinary from the both of you. Cyan certainly delivered a great entry. And I was expecting something big from you, but this is beyond anything I thought up. I don't know how you do it, but if I were to write about a rabbit that makes it in hollywood I couldn't pull it off. I especially love the ending. Very clever.
So many great entries this time around. I'm gonna have to think a while before I vote.
And dammit DumbNameD!!!
Hey_Monkey: Where the hell have you been?! This is good. Let me tell you why I like it. Fresh description. I like the reverse shadow bit, the hiccup of expression. This is also a snippet and not a journey. But for some reason I'm ok with that. Perhaps it's because of what it's about. I hope you continue to participate.
Scribble: The thing that's nice about these challenges is that everyone has their own style. You got Nitewulf with his hard boiled fiction, DumbNameD with his poetic snippets of life, Aaron who's entries always feel like a beginning of a book, TimeDog and his unpredictable styel, and you and Cyan are what I consider to be our "concept" writers who always come up with something new. So I was expecting something out of the ordinary from the both of you. Cyan certainly delivered a great entry. And I was expecting something big from you, but this is beyond anything I thought up. I don't know how you do it, but if I were to write about a rabbit that makes it in hollywood I couldn't pull it off. I especially love the ending. Very clever.
So many great entries this time around. I'm gonna have to think a while before I vote.
And dammit DumbNameD!!!
So many great entries. Everyone really did a great job, this is one of the few challenges that I wish I had more than 3 votes, as I felt I had a tie for first. Nevertheless, here's my votes.
1. Scribble: Clever and audacious. You really took the secondary objective and used all these different ways it could be done while telling a snide little tale. Loved it.
2. Cyan: More than anyone else I think you grasped the secondary objective and made the most effective use of it. Well done.
3. Hey_Monkey: A very good first entry in a challenge with a load of good entries. Hope you stick around.
1. Scribble: Clever and audacious. You really took the secondary objective and used all these different ways it could be done while telling a snide little tale. Loved it.
2. Cyan: More than anyone else I think you grasped the secondary objective and made the most effective use of it. Well done.
3. Hey_Monkey: A very good first entry in a challenge with a load of good entries. Hope you stick around.
hey_monkey
Banned
ronito said:
Heh. Writing! In fact, recently, my writing time has taken away most of my screw-around-on-the-internet time, because I have some big school projects, and that's a good part of why I haven't had a chance to play along with the creative writing challenges (and I miss the photo challenges, too).
On this... ah, I have a bad habit with scene over story, and I tried to do this in, what is for me, a record amount of time. I'm a slow writer and I was still tweaking this at three minutes til, haha, because I didn't even notice this challenge until late last night. But I feel pretty happy that I managed to get something done and in and got to play!
Now I get to read a lot and start voting.
RurouniZel
Asks questions so Ezalc doesn't have to
ZephyrFate: This story really floored me. I love the imagery and imaginary take on the "down the rabbit hole" concept. I also love the idea you had to make it seem like a stream of e-mails and texts for most of the story. Very nicely done. ^_^
GreatRumbler: Wow, you really really REALLY know how to build tension. My only problem is I what to know what happened. I don't need to know everything, but it just felt like it completely dropped of at the end. Not that I'm really one to crit, since I kinda did the same thing myself so... yeah. >>
Botolf: Wow, he's a real bastard, that Gil. Granted, they were probably both bastards, but it's an interesting way of showing what happens when the "good" guy is given too much power. Great characterization, and an interesting way to tell a story. My only quip with it is I think Gil's story went on for a bit too long. A little tightening would do wonders.
Timedog: I don't know about the history of Mozart and music to see the inaccuracies that ronito did, but I would definitely heed his advice. It's true that there is always someone out there who knows every last intimate detail of something so random it's insane to think anyone would know anything about it, let alone everything. I would look at how both your 1st and 2nd paragraphs start with "The sculptor", I would change that personally. Otherwise this was a beautiful tale that had be hoping they'd end up together somehow even though I knew they wouldn't (I'm a helpless romantic like that. Not surprising the book I'm writing is a romantic comedy?).
liquidspeed: An interesting take on the "foreign" concept. The descriptions are all very interesting in how accurate they seem (very specific), but it could use a little less accuracy and more emotional *umph* to really hit how hard the winds are blowing and how dangerous the chasing is. Still a very good story.
Cyan: *slow clap* Wow, just wow. That's... all I've got really. Sorry I'm not more useful with good critique but I'm having difficulty finding any real fault with this one.
nitewulf: An interesting concept, but some parts of this really lost me. Something about the pacing felt a bit off, parts that seemed urgent moved slowly and visa versa. Then again I'm not a sci-fi person so it could just be me.
Motion Picture Soundtrack: Interesting idea, but for me it's like when you tell a joke and nobody laughs, prompting you to explain the joke, and then people might find it funny, sort of. If you have to explain it the joke is lost, and stories are no different. That said I like the concept, but I would work on the execution, or perhaps combined them into one post instead of three?
ronito: Not specifically aimed at you but wow, lots of "internet" entries on this challenge. Very interesting concept, though I admit part of that is because I completely agree with the errors of religions the way they're currently practiced. At least that's what I got out of it anyway.
Darkpen: A cute story, and I'm a sucker for kittens. XD This felt like it was over before it began though, maybe the pace should be slowed.
Pizza Luigi: Another interesting take. I would be careful about formatting the paragraphs, it makes it easier to read when there's separation. It was very interesting how the light didn't want to touch the other fruit, but it's exclusively shining on the apple burned it. Very cool metaphor.
Ward: A funny story, but I think it could use a little trimming. A few paragraphs and this would be a real nice piece.
Aaron: Wow, beauty and power all in one piece. You sir, are a master. If you have any published works already please PM me so that I may go buy them.
AndersTheSwede: Very cool imagery, perhaps if you had more time this could use a little fleshing out. I like the motif of searching for the song on the tip of one's tongue, it's used to great effect here. A little on the short side, but you already said that.
hey_monkey: I like the concept, though I'm biased 'cause I'm taking Japanese lessons myself! ^_^ A nice quick story that would have lost its charm if it were longer, so this hits the right spot. Yoku dekimashita! Subarashii desu!
Scribble: VERY original story and beautifully told. You have a new fan. ^_^
So I guess my rankings are.
1) Aaron
2) Cyan
3) Scribble
GreatRumbler: Wow, you really really REALLY know how to build tension. My only problem is I what to know what happened. I don't need to know everything, but it just felt like it completely dropped of at the end. Not that I'm really one to crit, since I kinda did the same thing myself so... yeah. >>
Botolf: Wow, he's a real bastard, that Gil. Granted, they were probably both bastards, but it's an interesting way of showing what happens when the "good" guy is given too much power. Great characterization, and an interesting way to tell a story. My only quip with it is I think Gil's story went on for a bit too long. A little tightening would do wonders.
Timedog: I don't know about the history of Mozart and music to see the inaccuracies that ronito did, but I would definitely heed his advice. It's true that there is always someone out there who knows every last intimate detail of something so random it's insane to think anyone would know anything about it, let alone everything. I would look at how both your 1st and 2nd paragraphs start with "The sculptor", I would change that personally. Otherwise this was a beautiful tale that had be hoping they'd end up together somehow even though I knew they wouldn't (I'm a helpless romantic like that. Not surprising the book I'm writing is a romantic comedy?).
liquidspeed: An interesting take on the "foreign" concept. The descriptions are all very interesting in how accurate they seem (very specific), but it could use a little less accuracy and more emotional *umph* to really hit how hard the winds are blowing and how dangerous the chasing is. Still a very good story.
Cyan: *slow clap* Wow, just wow. That's... all I've got really. Sorry I'm not more useful with good critique but I'm having difficulty finding any real fault with this one.
nitewulf: An interesting concept, but some parts of this really lost me. Something about the pacing felt a bit off, parts that seemed urgent moved slowly and visa versa. Then again I'm not a sci-fi person so it could just be me.
Motion Picture Soundtrack: Interesting idea, but for me it's like when you tell a joke and nobody laughs, prompting you to explain the joke, and then people might find it funny, sort of. If you have to explain it the joke is lost, and stories are no different. That said I like the concept, but I would work on the execution, or perhaps combined them into one post instead of three?
ronito: Not specifically aimed at you but wow, lots of "internet" entries on this challenge. Very interesting concept, though I admit part of that is because I completely agree with the errors of religions the way they're currently practiced. At least that's what I got out of it anyway.
Darkpen: A cute story, and I'm a sucker for kittens. XD This felt like it was over before it began though, maybe the pace should be slowed.
Pizza Luigi: Another interesting take. I would be careful about formatting the paragraphs, it makes it easier to read when there's separation. It was very interesting how the light didn't want to touch the other fruit, but it's exclusively shining on the apple burned it. Very cool metaphor.
Ward: A funny story, but I think it could use a little trimming. A few paragraphs and this would be a real nice piece.
Aaron: Wow, beauty and power all in one piece. You sir, are a master. If you have any published works already please PM me so that I may go buy them.
AndersTheSwede: Very cool imagery, perhaps if you had more time this could use a little fleshing out. I like the motif of searching for the song on the tip of one's tongue, it's used to great effect here. A little on the short side, but you already said that.
hey_monkey: I like the concept, though I'm biased 'cause I'm taking Japanese lessons myself! ^_^ A nice quick story that would have lost its charm if it were longer, so this hits the right spot. Yoku dekimashita! Subarashii desu!
Scribble: VERY original story and beautifully told. You have a new fan. ^_^
So I guess my rankings are.
1) Aaron
2) Cyan
3) Scribble
The Entries:
MrFingers - "Jim's Pants"
ZephyrFate - "Utopia"
Great Rumbler - "Silent Invasion"
Botolf - "Pen Pal"
Timedog - "Requiem"
liquidspeed - "The Winds of Change"
Cyan - "Invasion"
nitewulf - "The Planet, an Intelligence"
Ronito - "God and the dice"
Darkpen - "A Small Treat"
Pizza Luigi - "Apple"
RurouniZel - "My precious"
Ward - "Production Notes"
Motion Picture Soundtrack - "The Failure"
Aaron - "The Restless"
AndersTheSwede - "Graveyard Love"
hey_monkey - "Japanese Lessons"
Scribble - "Rabzmatazz"
Eighteen entrants. I think that's the most since... maybe challenge #5? Anyway, good work, all.
MrFingers - "Jim's Pants"
ZephyrFate - "Utopia"
Great Rumbler - "Silent Invasion"
Botolf - "Pen Pal"
Timedog - "Requiem"
liquidspeed - "The Winds of Change"
Cyan - "Invasion"
nitewulf - "The Planet, an Intelligence"
Ronito - "God and the dice"
Darkpen - "A Small Treat"
Pizza Luigi - "Apple"
RurouniZel - "My precious"
Ward - "Production Notes"
Motion Picture Soundtrack - "The Failure"
Aaron - "The Restless"
AndersTheSwede - "Graveyard Love"
hey_monkey - "Japanese Lessons"
Scribble - "Rabzmatazz"
Eighteen entrants. I think that's the most since... maybe challenge #5? Anyway, good work, all.
Very creative sci-fi piece. I like the first contact feel, and the concept of the planet-sized intelligence.nitewulf said:
The piece feels a bit dry, though. It needed a bit more "the captain needed a double scotch," and a bit less emotionless AI. I think a strong central character would've really helped here. The captain could be that character, but he's not present throughout and I'm not sure he's fully realized.
Another clever concept. Fun choice for the epistolary challenge, and great way to get a point across.ronito said:
Two things. First, I think it would have been stronger if it stuck to just the Judeo-Christian religions. The Hinduism color and limbs thing was pretty funny, but I think it was kind of a digression from the main point. Second, I'd have liked a tiny bit more of a story. We get a bit of one at the tail end, but it would have been cool to see a bit more of what God was thinking as he went along. Maybe have him try to enter commands that didn't work, but revealed something of what was going on? I'm not quite sure how this could be done; it was a tough format for that sort of thing.
Cute! It could have easily been overdone, but I liked how it ended.Darkpen said:
But I think the beginning could use a little bit of work. The story opens with a single word, "George." Who is George and why does he matter? Well, the truth is he really doesn't. He's mentioned one time and then disappears. But the one-word opening puts undue emphasis on him. The important thing at the beginning was the cake. It might have been stronger if it began like this:
And then she could go on to wonder whether it was George or Phil that had taken her cake, and so on. Just something to consider.
hey_monkey
Banned
first off: rankings-
1. AndersTheSwede
2. Aaron
3. ronito
Voting was really, really tough. You all put up some great stuff!
Since I haven't been participating, here's who I am: I'm kind of a snot on the technical side of things, because I'm a big nerd. Also, I want to feel drawn in, or get some kind of an emotional connection when I read a story.
comments:
MrFingers: Eh, if you're going to make the joke, make it, make it with gusto, and proofread. This could have actually been pretty funny if you'd just gone with it and stopped apologizing (and if you proofread).
ZephyrFate: Difficult to get a handle on the voices -- some of the things, dropped ending sounds, patterns, even word choice, it just doesn't seem consistent and wholly natural (I kept reading things aloud and some sounded off), but that's the kind of thing that's easy to polish. Struck me as a little melodramatic and so it was difficult for me to get emotionally involved. Some great imagery, like apple corpses.
Great Rumbler: Slow start. Did not pull me in at all. And I must say, though I think the story is effective in the end (and affective, at that, with the creepiness), the audio diary just doesn't do it for me. I don't understand why this guy is keeping an audio diary. It's not very typical, I mean, and I don't know why he's not typical. I always like to know why, and here, since this seems like a new undertaking (apparently he turned the television off to do it), the why of deciding seems important. If the TV is always on, it doesn't seem like it's just a way to fill the silence.... But more importantly, it reads for the most part like writing, not like speech. (some exceptions: the 15th sounds more like speech, for instance)
Botolf: I like the tone, but I think you could make it more effective; particularly in the beginning, there's a strong superheroic, faintly old-fashioned (as I read it) sound to everything, and it flows really well. After that, it seems like the modifiers are less well-placed and there are definitely a lot of adjectives and adverbs in where you could just make the language more active and descriptive without adding so many modifiers.
Timedog: Good consistent voice and an intriguing story. Trim extra words, especially when your sentences need lots of impact. "...he whispered before collapsing" could easily lose the before, for example.
Cyan: Love the story and the choice for format, but I think the beginning is too slow. Give them something to talk about. You've got good, authentic characters, but I don't start to really see some identities until pretty far in. You can use that beginning to show us more. I just love that these dudes stay on IRC... that strikes me as VERY authentic. A final thing: I would like them to hear something earlier in the story.
nitewulf: I like ACI's voice (and really, the tone of the whole piece), but I think you can hone it further to make it more consistent and to punch up that tone.
Motion Picture Soundtrack: This three-post-entry, concept thing is just a bit of a reach for me. Funny, but just not for me.
ronito: This would probably be a lot funnier to me if I understood programming, but you do a good job in making things clear even to someone who doesn't know what's going on. Really well done.
Darkpen: The beginning, the other people who don't matter to the story, really takes away from it. In fact, very little is given over here to actual story. It feels like a series of comic lines. Lots of it is funny! But it doesn't really feel like a story to me.
liquidspeed: This feels very emotionless for me, except for descriptions of the storm.
Pizza Luigi: Don't regret your English; errors can be fixed, but non-native speakers can come up with some kickass images, like "the agility with which the sunlight strode was remarkable." Is it a good sentence, in the proper sense? Not particularly, but it's a really interesting image and fantastic personification.
RurouniZel: Character seems inconsistent and I just couldn't really get involved with him. Hell, I'm really more interested in how someone so rich could lose it all so quickly.
Ward: Funny, but it felt a little all over the place. Needs a little more focus.
Aaron: Lovely language, very consistent, nice how the character shows through.
AndersTheSwede: I really loved this until the end. That ending just feels really overdone to me, though I think you found a more interesting approach to it. I think the writing is really great and the narrative is strong. There are a few sentences that could be tightened up, but really, even with not liking this ending, viscerally, this is my favorite so far, and like Stephen Colbert, I trust my gut.
Scribble: I like how this is built from all these different artifacts, and how the story naturally builds. I think this could have benefitted from some bigtime editing; there are places where I cannot tell if there are errors or if you're trying to make stylistic choices that just don't work for me. The comment/discussion sections felt like the weakest to me.
May not be in order. Hope I didn't miss anyone.
1. AndersTheSwede
2. Aaron
3. ronito
Voting was really, really tough. You all put up some great stuff!
Since I haven't been participating, here's who I am: I'm kind of a snot on the technical side of things, because I'm a big nerd. Also, I want to feel drawn in, or get some kind of an emotional connection when I read a story.
comments:
MrFingers: Eh, if you're going to make the joke, make it, make it with gusto, and proofread. This could have actually been pretty funny if you'd just gone with it and stopped apologizing (and if you proofread).
ZephyrFate: Difficult to get a handle on the voices -- some of the things, dropped ending sounds, patterns, even word choice, it just doesn't seem consistent and wholly natural (I kept reading things aloud and some sounded off), but that's the kind of thing that's easy to polish. Struck me as a little melodramatic and so it was difficult for me to get emotionally involved. Some great imagery, like apple corpses.
Great Rumbler: Slow start. Did not pull me in at all. And I must say, though I think the story is effective in the end (and affective, at that, with the creepiness), the audio diary just doesn't do it for me. I don't understand why this guy is keeping an audio diary. It's not very typical, I mean, and I don't know why he's not typical. I always like to know why, and here, since this seems like a new undertaking (apparently he turned the television off to do it), the why of deciding seems important. If the TV is always on, it doesn't seem like it's just a way to fill the silence.... But more importantly, it reads for the most part like writing, not like speech. (some exceptions: the 15th sounds more like speech, for instance)
Botolf: I like the tone, but I think you could make it more effective; particularly in the beginning, there's a strong superheroic, faintly old-fashioned (as I read it) sound to everything, and it flows really well. After that, it seems like the modifiers are less well-placed and there are definitely a lot of adjectives and adverbs in where you could just make the language more active and descriptive without adding so many modifiers.
Timedog: Good consistent voice and an intriguing story. Trim extra words, especially when your sentences need lots of impact. "...he whispered before collapsing" could easily lose the before, for example.
Cyan: Love the story and the choice for format, but I think the beginning is too slow. Give them something to talk about. You've got good, authentic characters, but I don't start to really see some identities until pretty far in. You can use that beginning to show us more. I just love that these dudes stay on IRC... that strikes me as VERY authentic. A final thing: I would like them to hear something earlier in the story.
nitewulf: I like ACI's voice (and really, the tone of the whole piece), but I think you can hone it further to make it more consistent and to punch up that tone.
Motion Picture Soundtrack: This three-post-entry, concept thing is just a bit of a reach for me. Funny, but just not for me.
ronito: This would probably be a lot funnier to me if I understood programming, but you do a good job in making things clear even to someone who doesn't know what's going on. Really well done.
Darkpen: The beginning, the other people who don't matter to the story, really takes away from it. In fact, very little is given over here to actual story. It feels like a series of comic lines. Lots of it is funny! But it doesn't really feel like a story to me.
liquidspeed: This feels very emotionless for me, except for descriptions of the storm.
Pizza Luigi: Don't regret your English; errors can be fixed, but non-native speakers can come up with some kickass images, like "the agility with which the sunlight strode was remarkable." Is it a good sentence, in the proper sense? Not particularly, but it's a really interesting image and fantastic personification.
RurouniZel: Character seems inconsistent and I just couldn't really get involved with him. Hell, I'm really more interested in how someone so rich could lose it all so quickly.
Ward: Funny, but it felt a little all over the place. Needs a little more focus.
Aaron: Lovely language, very consistent, nice how the character shows through.
AndersTheSwede: I really loved this until the end. That ending just feels really overdone to me, though I think you found a more interesting approach to it. I think the writing is really great and the narrative is strong. There are a few sentences that could be tightened up, but really, even with not liking this ending, viscerally, this is my favorite so far, and like Stephen Colbert, I trust my gut.
Scribble: I like how this is built from all these different artifacts, and how the story naturally builds. I think this could have benefitted from some bigtime editing; there are places where I cannot tell if there are errors or if you're trying to make stylistic choices that just don't work for me. The comment/discussion sections felt like the weakest to me.
May not be in order. Hope I didn't miss anyone.
hey_monkey
Banned
RurouniZel said:Yoku dekimashita! Subarashii desu!
I have no idea what this means! My husband studies Japanese and I know about... well, maybe three more words than I used in the story. :lol I hope it was nice. It had a smiley face, so I guess it probably was.
AndersTheSwede
Member
ronito said:
I do tend to have a very syncopated sentence structure in most of the writing I have done, heavily using fragments. I guess I approach it from an opinion of "this is how people think: in fragments." So representing their minds in writing accurately (to whatever barometer you're setting the characters to) in fragments seems to flow better to me. But yes, sometimes it fails and jolt's the reader which is never good, it's a tough balance to strike and I'll work on it.
I also tend to write "smoother" when I'm drunk/high. :lol
hey_monkey said:
This is another thing I've often gotten in workshops. I'm always writing melodramatic and these things tend to either succeed greatly, or fall flat on their face. :lol It's just what I gravitate towards and I choose not to resist the impulse. I've found it tends to go down better if I avoid purple prose like the fucking plague and write short, crisp, avoiding conjunctions wherever possible. But sometimes things descend into cheesiness and I have to rework everything.
I'll work on votes and reading impressions tomorrow.
1. Cyan (It was pretty awesomely creepy toward the end as people kept dropping out, almost echoing the onslaught of the invasion. Certainly gets the mind going.)
2. ronito ("Oh shit")
3. ZephyrFate (Gave me Alice in Wonderland vibes at times, very neat story.)
Thanks for the critique, especially for going into specifics
2. ronito ("Oh shit"
)3. ZephyrFate (Gave me Alice in Wonderland vibes at times, very neat story.)
Thanks for the crit, ZelRurouniZel said:Botolf: Wow, he's a real bastard, that Gil. Granted, they were probably both bastards, but it's an interesting way of showing what happens when the "good" guy is given too much power. Great characterization, and an interesting way to tell a story. My only quip with it is I think Gil's story went on for a bit too long. A little tightening would do wonders.
hey_monkey said:
I've been reading Watchmen lately, I suppose that might have come through a little
Thanks for the critique, especially for going into specifics
hey_monkey
Banned
Oooh! I just re-read it, too.
Votes:
1 - Scribble
2 - Darkpen
3 - Great Rumbler
Too many to comment on them all, but I did what I could.
MrFingers - It's a little lacking in substance and never delves enough into the characters to give what happens to them much meaning.
ZephyrFate - It starts off too vague. It needs some concrete details to anchor it down. I think it's hurt by the length a bit, feeling rushed, while the ending doesn't do anything unexpected.
Great Rumbler - Quite Lovecraftian. Why he starts the logs isn't very clear, and I'm not entirely sure what happened to him either to be honest. I kept waiting for the big realization it seemed to be building to, but it sort of fizzled out for me.
Botolf - Some great, vivid descriptions, but the way they're put together feels a little haphazard, and not quite a narrative. It needs a stronger structure to build these details on.
Timedog - It's lovely, but the pacing is a little slow for what's essentially A Christmas Carol without the ghosts. The misunderstanding of the sculptor seems a little odd also when he was so moved by the sorrow he felt in Mozart's piece.
Cyan - You do a lot with the IRC format. If I had one slight, it's that the news of what's happening on the outside world drops away too soon, and there should be at least one more update.
nitewulf - The to/from gets in the way of what's happening, hurting more than it helps. What happens is cool, though it suffers a little from feeling like the start of a much longer piece.
ronito - Cute, but shouldn't all of this be in latin?
Darkpen - A well paced story with a cheerful ending. The start is a little vague, but focusing on the cake made the whole thing work well right to the end.
RurouniZel - It's a well crafted tale, but I was hoping for a twist to change my perception of events and there wasn't one. Not that it really needs it, but the ending feels a bit weak when it's what I expected.
AndersTheSwede - Cool story, though the end is a little bit awkward, and might have been better as more abrupt. Repeats the question without change a little much also.
hey_monkey - It's a sweet and romantic story with a nice mood. The only thing it could use is a little more craft in the nuts and bolts of language, refining the sentences to make them flow better.
Scribble - Great twist on the format. Also a clever idea, and my only problem was wanting more from it.
1 - Scribble
2 - Darkpen
3 - Great Rumbler
Too many to comment on them all, but I did what I could.
MrFingers - It's a little lacking in substance and never delves enough into the characters to give what happens to them much meaning.
ZephyrFate - It starts off too vague. It needs some concrete details to anchor it down. I think it's hurt by the length a bit, feeling rushed, while the ending doesn't do anything unexpected.
Great Rumbler - Quite Lovecraftian. Why he starts the logs isn't very clear, and I'm not entirely sure what happened to him either to be honest. I kept waiting for the big realization it seemed to be building to, but it sort of fizzled out for me.
Botolf - Some great, vivid descriptions, but the way they're put together feels a little haphazard, and not quite a narrative. It needs a stronger structure to build these details on.
Timedog - It's lovely, but the pacing is a little slow for what's essentially A Christmas Carol without the ghosts. The misunderstanding of the sculptor seems a little odd also when he was so moved by the sorrow he felt in Mozart's piece.
Cyan - You do a lot with the IRC format. If I had one slight, it's that the news of what's happening on the outside world drops away too soon, and there should be at least one more update.
nitewulf - The to/from gets in the way of what's happening, hurting more than it helps. What happens is cool, though it suffers a little from feeling like the start of a much longer piece.
ronito - Cute, but shouldn't all of this be in latin?
Darkpen - A well paced story with a cheerful ending. The start is a little vague, but focusing on the cake made the whole thing work well right to the end.
RurouniZel - It's a well crafted tale, but I was hoping for a twist to change my perception of events and there wasn't one. Not that it really needs it, but the ending feels a bit weak when it's what I expected.
AndersTheSwede - Cool story, though the end is a little bit awkward, and might have been better as more abrupt. Repeats the question without change a little much also.
hey_monkey - It's a sweet and romantic story with a nice mood. The only thing it could use is a little more craft in the nuts and bolts of language, refining the sentences to make them flow better.
Scribble - Great twist on the format. Also a clever idea, and my only problem was wanting more from it.
Magazine editor? Or other?Cyan said:So... slightly OT, but I just got my first-ever rejection letter from an editor. I suppose I should be disappointed, but I'm just pleased I finally got off my ass and submitted a short story somewhere. On to the next submission.
Right now I'm hearing it's not the time to submit anything except magazine stuff. Getting published in anyway is a difficult task. I know tons of writers better than me that never made it so don't get discouraged. Best of luck!
Yep, magazine editor. I'll probably try a few other magazines.ronito said:
A really interesting choice here. A rich man not simply obsessed with material things, but with one specific material thing. I think the obsession really works, and it makes for an interesting character. And I like the ending. I'd consider dropping the "my precious" bit, though. Feels off.RurouniZel said:
Also, it takes a little while to get to the point at the start there. As I mentioned in another crit, it helps the audience if the story leads off with the important point. Whether the appraiser is making a mistake is unimportant. The fact that the vase is a fake is what's salient. Perhaps Carl's first shout could be, "FAKE? You can't be serious!" or some such. We'd immediately get an idea of what's going on.
I gotta be honest here; I didn't really understand this one. I like Sinbad's rabble-rousing speeches, but the piece just didn't connect with me. I felt it lacked a sense of time and place. It took me until "the underage cast" to realize that these were kids, and I never did get what exactly they were doing. A TV show?Ward said:
I like the letter to open the piece, but the ending one didn't quite do it for me. I'm not sure why it wasn't another Sinbad letter.
Bah.Motion Picture Soundtrack said:
Aaron, this is definitely one of the better pieces I've read from you. It felt really grounded in reality, despite the fantastical nature of it. I love the slow shift from "oh a WWI story" to horror/fantasy. The chaplain has a strong voice and feels like a real character, and the emotions he expresses come through really powerfully.Aaron said:
You might consider dropping the opening paragraph and just starting right off with the diary entries. The chaplain could easily mention Ypres somewhere in the first entry instead. It feels slightly disconnected, as there's no follow-up after the diary entries.
Also, one small quibble with the entries is that while the chaplain mentions God very occasionally, it doesn't quite feel like his worldview is God-centric, as you'd expect from a chaplain. (i.e. the Nov 18th entry could start out, "God did not intend us to live in holes.") On the other hand, this could simply be a character choice. Again, just a quibble.
Great piece.
Great Rumbler
Member
Aaron said:
Well, I tried to make it a bit open-ended so you're not entirely sure what happened. But the way I see it:
Whatever was in the room got into his brain and took him over. That's why there's the sudden change in tone between the last two entries. The Thing pushes him to injure/kill one of his coworkers and to become paranoid, which isolates him from his girlfriend, so that he's more or less forced to stay in his apartment where it can slowly consume him. Once he's been taken over, he contemplates deleting the logs and getting back together with his girlfriend, presumably to get rid of the evidence and to have a new victim. And that's why it's called the "Silent Invasion".
Crayon Shinchan
Aquafina Fanboy
I don't normally come into this thread... but for some reason I wanted to write something today. Only to find the submission has already been closed by the time I opened it!
Oh well...
the idea I had was a person losing his sight... roughly fits into the idea of foreign; the world becomes a very different sort of experience when you lose such a key sense.
Oh well...
the idea I had was a person losing his sight... roughly fits into the idea of foreign; the world becomes a very different sort of experience when you lose such a key sense.
Like the imagery, and the characters (graveyard sex? weird, but it makes for interesting characters). The length is just right for the effect you're going for.AndersTheSwede said:
The one thing I don't like is the lyrics being used at the end. Too obvious, maybe. And does he really have time to mouth those lyrics?
Wow, great to see a piece like this. Nice change of pace. Present tense and a lack of quotation marks often come off as an affectation, but they work really nicely here. They fit the story. The use of Japanese was well done; I don't know a word of it, but I still got what was going on.hey_monkey said:
To me, the piece is slightly lacking in integrity. By which I mean it doesn't come together 100%. There are great images and great moments, but it doesn't completely gel. It's hard to explain exactly what I mean... but it would be nice to have a connection between the opening image and the ending. Maybe chiaroscuro could connect them? Or one of the Japanese words?
Nice to see some of your writing! Come back for the next one.
Where in the hell did this come from? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Incredibly imaginitive, cleverly planned out, and well executed. I love the concept, I love the ending.Scribble said:
The forum posts were funny, but a bit of a digression. The words could maybe have been used elsewhere. But that's minor. The other issue was typos and errors... I think the piece needed another editing pass or two. Working on it up to the last minute, eh?
I was pleasantly startled to see this turn up right at the deadline. Totally awesome, and easily the best thing I've seen from you.
AndersTheSwede
Member
Votes:
1: Aaron
2: ZephyrFate
3: Timedog
I couldn't respond to them all, so I'm adding what I can.
ZephyrFate Great beginning, it hooked me. You do a good job of describing scenes without extraneous detail, focusing on the characters. The email form was interesting, but I don't think it worked for me. It was too much of a juxtaposition between form and description. I didn't really get a picture of who the sister was, and having such trippy descriptions through an email just seemed off. Great story, great execution, just the form put me off.
Botolf Starts off really strong, with excellent characterization. Those first two paragraphs are the strongest of the piece. But the descent into almost script-form dialogue lost me. For a figure so imposing it would have been better to see how people physically react to him and how that influences how he can behave around others. Reminiscing about times past is great, but from just starting reading I didn't have enough conception about why what they were talking about was so important or special. But still, a great, great character, might want to stick with him and develop it more.
Timedog Talk about ballsy scope. Very, very cool. But I still had trouble reading all the way through. Maybe it's that his life is too perfect in regards to being a sculpture. Yes he has an obsession which could be a fault, but it's practically a requirement in his (and this) profession. His pushing away of the Muse from a relationship was puzzling. Which I guess gets to the heart of it: coldness. For all the love of art, there is just something clinically cold about everything. He seems to feel only for music and art, and for that I was put off by his character.
Aaron Wow, excellent work.... that's all I have to say.
1: Aaron
2: ZephyrFate
3: Timedog
I couldn't respond to them all, so I'm adding what I can.
ZephyrFate Great beginning, it hooked me. You do a good job of describing scenes without extraneous detail, focusing on the characters. The email form was interesting, but I don't think it worked for me. It was too much of a juxtaposition between form and description. I didn't really get a picture of who the sister was, and having such trippy descriptions through an email just seemed off. Great story, great execution, just the form put me off.
Botolf Starts off really strong, with excellent characterization. Those first two paragraphs are the strongest of the piece. But the descent into almost script-form dialogue lost me. For a figure so imposing it would have been better to see how people physically react to him and how that influences how he can behave around others. Reminiscing about times past is great, but from just starting reading I didn't have enough conception about why what they were talking about was so important or special. But still, a great, great character, might want to stick with him and develop it more.
Timedog Talk about ballsy scope. Very, very cool. But I still had trouble reading all the way through. Maybe it's that his life is too perfect in regards to being a sculpture. Yes he has an obsession which could be a fault, but it's practically a requirement in his (and this) profession. His pushing away of the Muse from a relationship was puzzling. Which I guess gets to the heart of it: coldness. For all the love of art, there is just something clinically cold about everything. He seems to feel only for music and art, and for that I was put off by his character.
Aaron Wow, excellent work.... that's all I have to say.
I love it when characters come back. I've done it twice and I believe others have done it too.Botolf said:Thanks for the critique, I very much appreciate it
Thanks for the crit and advice. We sure got a lot of entries this time :lol
I think I will come back to this character at some point. Future entries will probably have less script-form dialogue
hey_monkey
Banned
Cyan said:
Good crits; I agree. I wish I'd had more time! But it was really fun to try to beat the deadline, and to get to see everyone's stuff.
MrFingers - "Jim's Pants" - i think it could have been a hilarious piece if you took it more seriously. i was dying at the conversation between the protagonist and the waitress. because it was surreal and i could actually picture her saying "wtf"...it was like a scene from a godard film. would have been a lot better to use that feel and write the piece. since you didnt, the ending is sloppy and jittery.
ZephyrFate - "Utopia" - good writing, but the actual story feels emotionless. the sister's character seems to be quite untroubled by the happening. her emotional response feels unrealistic, there seems to be no desperation in her voice.
liquidspeed - "The Winds of Change" - the writing could be tightened up a lot. interesting, clinical descriptions.
Darkpen - "A Small Treat" - feels incomplete, tense changes and transitions are too abrupt, jarring. i also use jarring transitions for style but you have do it in a way as not to shock the reader out of the story. she was sitting on her chair and thinking...then suddenly she is in front of her front door. doesn't gel, know what i mean? ending is too abrupt.
Pizza Luigi - "Apple" - your english certainly isnt very poor. but the grammar could be fixed:
"And it didnt touched it once, or slightly, no, it touched it a few minutes."
you have a nice concept here, vivid imagery. it could become a lot better with more practice.
Motion Picture Soundtrack - "The Failure" - conceptually its fine. but i honestly think the middle part could have been a lot stronger. "bill says"/"mary says" parts were unnecessary and feels bothersome to me. you could have set up a scene where they are texting and then just shown the texts.
1) hey_monkey - "Japanese Lessons" - vivid imagery. i like that. i have trouble writing from a female perspective, hence i was awestruck by both of dumbnamed's last two stories. your story in its way, is of course utterly feminine! i like the plot minimalism, fits with the japanese feel.
2) scribble - its a bit all over the place, but there's some coherence. i think it could be much better, but given the deadline its good. lot of effort shows.
3) aaron - stunning. i like the concept of the unwilling dead turning into zombies unless the last rites had been performed. you have a good ability to convey your ideas without straight out telling the reader.
ZephyrFate - "Utopia" - good writing, but the actual story feels emotionless. the sister's character seems to be quite untroubled by the happening. her emotional response feels unrealistic, there seems to be no desperation in her voice.
liquidspeed - "The Winds of Change" - the writing could be tightened up a lot. interesting, clinical descriptions.
Darkpen - "A Small Treat" - feels incomplete, tense changes and transitions are too abrupt, jarring. i also use jarring transitions for style but you have do it in a way as not to shock the reader out of the story. she was sitting on her chair and thinking...then suddenly she is in front of her front door. doesn't gel, know what i mean? ending is too abrupt.
Pizza Luigi - "Apple" - your english certainly isnt very poor. but the grammar could be fixed:
"And it didnt touched it once, or slightly, no, it touched it a few minutes."
you have a nice concept here, vivid imagery. it could become a lot better with more practice.
Motion Picture Soundtrack - "The Failure" - conceptually its fine. but i honestly think the middle part could have been a lot stronger. "bill says"/"mary says" parts were unnecessary and feels bothersome to me. you could have set up a scene where they are texting and then just shown the texts.
1) hey_monkey - "Japanese Lessons" - vivid imagery. i like that. i have trouble writing from a female perspective, hence i was awestruck by both of dumbnamed's last two stories. your story in its way, is of course utterly feminine! i like the plot minimalism, fits with the japanese feel.
2) scribble - its a bit all over the place, but there's some coherence. i think it could be much better, but given the deadline its good. lot of effort shows.
3) aaron - stunning. i like the concept of the unwilling dead turning into zombies unless the last rites had been performed. you have a good ability to convey your ideas without straight out telling the reader.
ZephyrFate
Banned
My weekend is jam-packed with activities, so therefore i cant critique this time around
1. Aaron
2. ronito
3. Cyan
1. Aaron
2. ronito
3. Cyan
So yah...
MrFingers: Should have worked on the presentation, even if you thought it wasn't a serious entry. It would have been waaay funnier then, but the presentation cheapens it a bit.
ZephrFate: I thought it started off well, then Matt's emails got a bit too expository or something.
Botolf: You did a good job of getting across Jacob's helplessness and Gil's smugness, but it felt, I dunno, passive? If this was a larger
thing, then the explaining past events wouldn't have been fine, but as it's a short story...
Timedog: I liked your writing style in this. The description...tone... I mean, your 'throw used condom into helicopter blades' stuff is amusing (And I hope that continues), but this piece shows that you can do conventional stories just as good as you do the crazy
ones. Quite dramatic!
liquidspeed: The description of the tornado was nice and technical and sounds like you know what you're talking about. I'm not sure about
the actual story though...
Cyan: Loved loved loved this. Really nice touches to make it feel real, like when you get joechestnut chipping in with his 'I think I heard gunshots! You guys are making me paranoid brb' and all the quitting. It's like you reached through an alternate universe where this actually happened and you pulled out the .txt file from Cthulu's MIRC log folder. I'm probably exaggerating a bit, but the characters really feel real in this. I'm going to try something like this myself.
nitewulf: I thought it was well-written, and the only thing I didn't like about is to do with personal preference -- all the technobabble confuses me!
ronito: This was clever and creative, and one of the stand out stories in this challenge. I love the part where God tries to backtrack!
MotionPictureSoundtrack: I wanted a bit more from the actual story, but it was quite a clever concept, considering the second objective.
Darkpen: Quirky, light-hearted. Nice little read, but doesn't particularly stand out.
Pizza Luigi: Nice, humble little story, and I think your use of English compliments that.
RurouniZel: I though it was a solid story that could have done with a little more conflict.
GreatRumbler: I was prepared to dislike your story at first, with the 'Oh, something's coming! It's about to come! It's nearly there' But then things
become unclear and it ISN'T a vampire lurking around and then I became fascinated, and reread your story several times but still couldn't figure it out. Good work. Oh, maybe you should have said that they were transcribed from an audio diary or something.
AndersTheSwede: Solid story. Can't say much else, although maybe the characters could have been fleshed out a bit more so the ending had a bit more impact. The ending was quite abrupt too (It could work in another kind of story, but it doesn't feel right here)
hey_monkey: I liked this. Either this or Timedog's would have been my fourth choice. I liked the mood of it. Very sensual or something.
Ward: It could have done with being a bit tighter. But I liked the banter between the characters.
Aaron: Your stories are like finely sliced pieces of world on a saucer, or something. Moving, and a nice choice of setting that you pulled off well. I'm also studying the first World War in school, so...
1. "Invasion" by Cyan
2. "The Restless" by Aaron
3. "God and the Dice" by Ronito
I liked Timedog and hey_monkey's a lot, but I had to give it to the people who really embraced the secondary objective. It may have seemed gimmicky,
but the epistolary challenge resulted in some of the best stories so far, and all the *other* stories were fun reads, too. Good choice, bengraven.
Well done, guys. Come back next challenge.
MrFingers: Should have worked on the presentation, even if you thought it wasn't a serious entry. It would have been waaay funnier then, but the presentation cheapens it a bit.
ZephrFate: I thought it started off well, then Matt's emails got a bit too expository or something.
Botolf: You did a good job of getting across Jacob's helplessness and Gil's smugness, but it felt, I dunno, passive? If this was a larger
thing, then the explaining past events wouldn't have been fine, but as it's a short story...
Timedog: I liked your writing style in this. The description...tone... I mean, your 'throw used condom into helicopter blades' stuff is amusing (And I hope that continues), but this piece shows that you can do conventional stories just as good as you do the crazy
ones. Quite dramatic!
liquidspeed: The description of the tornado was nice and technical and sounds like you know what you're talking about. I'm not sure about
the actual story though...
Cyan: Loved loved loved this. Really nice touches to make it feel real, like when you get joechestnut chipping in with his 'I think I heard gunshots! You guys are making me paranoid brb' and all the quitting. It's like you reached through an alternate universe where this actually happened and you pulled out the .txt file from Cthulu's MIRC log folder. I'm probably exaggerating a bit, but the characters really feel real in this. I'm going to try something like this myself.
nitewulf: I thought it was well-written, and the only thing I didn't like about is to do with personal preference -- all the technobabble confuses me!
ronito: This was clever and creative, and one of the stand out stories in this challenge. I love the part where God tries to backtrack!
MotionPictureSoundtrack: I wanted a bit more from the actual story, but it was quite a clever concept, considering the second objective.
Darkpen: Quirky, light-hearted. Nice little read, but doesn't particularly stand out.
Pizza Luigi: Nice, humble little story, and I think your use of English compliments that.
RurouniZel: I though it was a solid story that could have done with a little more conflict.
GreatRumbler: I was prepared to dislike your story at first, with the 'Oh, something's coming! It's about to come! It's nearly there' But then things
become unclear and it ISN'T a vampire lurking around and then I became fascinated, and reread your story several times but still couldn't figure it out. Good work. Oh, maybe you should have said that they were transcribed from an audio diary or something.
AndersTheSwede: Solid story. Can't say much else, although maybe the characters could have been fleshed out a bit more so the ending had a bit more impact. The ending was quite abrupt too (It could work in another kind of story, but it doesn't feel right here)
hey_monkey: I liked this. Either this or Timedog's would have been my fourth choice. I liked the mood of it. Very sensual or something.
Ward: It could have done with being a bit tighter. But I liked the banter between the characters.
Aaron: Your stories are like finely sliced pieces of world on a saucer, or something. Moving, and a nice choice of setting that you pulled off well. I'm also studying the first World War in school, so...
1. "Invasion" by Cyan
2. "The Restless" by Aaron
3. "God and the Dice" by Ronito
I liked Timedog and hey_monkey's a lot, but I had to give it to the people who really embraced the secondary objective. It may have seemed gimmicky,
but the epistolary challenge resulted in some of the best stories so far, and all the *other* stories were fun reads, too. Good choice, bengraven.
Well done, guys. Come back next challenge.
MrFingers: ...ehhh. Overall, the story feels weak and stretched, and the characters unlikable, and the scene with Sarah in the cafe is just jarring.
ZephyrFate: I liked how morbid and disturbing it got, but in general, I think it could've used some editing. I feel that there needed to be a clearer distinction between the two voices, or more importantly, a clearer separation of the author's voice from the characters. What I mean by this is that in the emails, there's too much exposition that shouldn't be explained, details that are only there for the reader, not for the two characters, and thus look out of place. What's also jarring is the prose in which Matt types. If he was talking, that'd be one thing, but the liberal use of apostrophes is just odd.
Great Rumbler: I guess I was kind of expecting some sort of dark explanation at the end, I guess it was all just in his head? I'm a little disappointed, I guess, but for the most part, his voice was clear, and fairly believable, with a few exceptions that aren't worth noting.
Botolf: It was nicely written, but I ended up having a hard time understanding the scene in general. While I understand the point was to draw out what had happened, it didn't really feel like it added anything to the ending. I don't know what to say.
Timedog: As an artist, its hard to read of this guy's stupidity, though of course, that was sort of the point of the story and the sculpture in question, but still. Not to mention how long it actually took him to create it. That, in particular, sounds ridiculous. Creation takes care, concentration, and time, but you don't waste it either.
Its a nice story, but hard to believe.
liquidspeed: With so much jargon being thrown around, and such a buildup to the climax, the ending feels far too much like a throwaway line, coming off cheap.
I also feel that the prologue was unnecessary, or at least, too long for its own good. The characters themselves felt disposable as well.
Cyan: surprisingly realistic, though what was up with the focus on the Palo Alto airport D: JJ, surprisingly racist for someone living in an asian-heavy region. Then again, he mentions he'd been in Afghanistan, so meh. You know that Alameda has a military base, right? D:
nitewulf: the AI sounded sexy D:
The ship's name is rather fitting for the story, though I suppose somewhat typical fair for romantic military tragedies, let alone sci-fi.
To say the least, I liked it, and makes me want to know more of that universe. Though, I have to admit that it made me think of the Halo universe, and then random space opera animes.
ronito: :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
Pizza Luigi: I was with you until the end, with the foreign beauty line feeling rather forced. Otherwise, its a fairly mystical, and perhaps dark, little story; almost gives the same tone as those german children's books, but in a smaller dose.
RurouneiZel: While it sort of feels like it was over before it started, and while the ending feels a bit abrupt, for the most part the writing was pretty touching and warm. I don't know why, but that's how it came off.
Ward: :lol, what a bastard. I liked that each character had a fairly clear voice, and the scenario itself is something that feels fairly fresh to me, so that's a plus. I feel like there's something I should criticize, but I'm not entirely certain.
Motion Picture Soundtrack: hilarious and clever.
Aaron: I like it. Curious to see a historical fiction piece here, but was it just me, or was there some horror/fantasy mixed in there too?
AndersTheSwede: very short and sweet. A bit morbid, though. Kinda makes me think of that lovers suicide mentality.
hey_monkey: truly, a bittersweet tale.
Scribble: Very entertaining. The universe itself was well crafted, but wasn't Jessica Rabbit a human cartoon character?
edit: I'll be putting my votes together in a second
edit2: Okay, I guess I'd have to rank the top 3 as:
1) ronito
2) nitewulf
3) hey_monkey
The trouble with the ranking, though, is that I feel like some of them are just in different categories altogether, but I'll just stick with it. I wish I could vote for more, though D:
ZephyrFate: I liked how morbid and disturbing it got, but in general, I think it could've used some editing. I feel that there needed to be a clearer distinction between the two voices, or more importantly, a clearer separation of the author's voice from the characters. What I mean by this is that in the emails, there's too much exposition that shouldn't be explained, details that are only there for the reader, not for the two characters, and thus look out of place. What's also jarring is the prose in which Matt types. If he was talking, that'd be one thing, but the liberal use of apostrophes is just odd.
Great Rumbler: I guess I was kind of expecting some sort of dark explanation at the end, I guess it was all just in his head? I'm a little disappointed, I guess, but for the most part, his voice was clear, and fairly believable, with a few exceptions that aren't worth noting.
Botolf: It was nicely written, but I ended up having a hard time understanding the scene in general. While I understand the point was to draw out what had happened, it didn't really feel like it added anything to the ending. I don't know what to say.
Timedog: As an artist, its hard to read of this guy's stupidity, though of course, that was sort of the point of the story and the sculpture in question, but still. Not to mention how long it actually took him to create it. That, in particular, sounds ridiculous. Creation takes care, concentration, and time, but you don't waste it either.
Its a nice story, but hard to believe.
liquidspeed: With so much jargon being thrown around, and such a buildup to the climax, the ending feels far too much like a throwaway line, coming off cheap.
I also feel that the prologue was unnecessary, or at least, too long for its own good. The characters themselves felt disposable as well.
Cyan: surprisingly realistic, though what was up with the focus on the Palo Alto airport D: JJ, surprisingly racist for someone living in an asian-heavy region. Then again, he mentions he'd been in Afghanistan, so meh. You know that Alameda has a military base, right? D:
nitewulf: the AI sounded sexy D:
The ship's name is rather fitting for the story, though I suppose somewhat typical fair for romantic military tragedies, let alone sci-fi.
To say the least, I liked it, and makes me want to know more of that universe. Though, I have to admit that it made me think of the Halo universe, and then random space opera animes.
ronito: :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
Pizza Luigi: I was with you until the end, with the foreign beauty line feeling rather forced. Otherwise, its a fairly mystical, and perhaps dark, little story; almost gives the same tone as those german children's books, but in a smaller dose.
RurouneiZel: While it sort of feels like it was over before it started, and while the ending feels a bit abrupt, for the most part the writing was pretty touching and warm. I don't know why, but that's how it came off.
Ward: :lol, what a bastard. I liked that each character had a fairly clear voice, and the scenario itself is something that feels fairly fresh to me, so that's a plus. I feel like there's something I should criticize, but I'm not entirely certain.
Motion Picture Soundtrack: hilarious and clever.
Aaron: I like it. Curious to see a historical fiction piece here, but was it just me, or was there some horror/fantasy mixed in there too?
AndersTheSwede: very short and sweet. A bit morbid, though. Kinda makes me think of that lovers suicide mentality.
hey_monkey: truly, a bittersweet tale.
Scribble: Very entertaining. The universe itself was well crafted, but wasn't Jessica Rabbit a human cartoon character?
edit: I'll be putting my votes together in a second
edit2: Okay, I guess I'd have to rank the top 3 as:
1) ronito
2) nitewulf
3) hey_monkey
The trouble with the ranking, though, is that I feel like some of them are just in different categories altogether, but I'll just stick with it. I wish I could vote for more, though D:
- Status