viciouskillersquirrel said:

So how does this work? Do we vote and give feedback once the submissions are all in?

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Yep. Submissions close in a few minutes, and then once you've read everything, you can go ahead and vote for your top three. And give feedback, if you choose.

A list of the entries with links is generally posted, to make life easier.

I will seriously write something someday.

The Entrees, Bon Appetit!:

AlternativeUlster - "On, On, On"
Gattsu25 – “Lebab”
Timedog – “Liquid Fix”
nitewulf – “Contentment a la Zen, part Deux”
viciouskillersquirrel – “Sharing the happy news”
RurouniZel – “The Flash Army”
ZephyrFate – “Ukelele Woman”
Aaron – “Tagman”
Scribble – “Three’s a Traffic Jam”
Cyan – “Stranger”
Ward – “The Killer Phantom Turtles”
mercviper – “Freedom Foreseen”
ronito - "Titan's Shot"

Pretty small turnout, comparatively. Now I gotta read them entries!

DAMMMMIITTTTT!!!!!!

I thought the deadline was today!!!!!ARGH!!!!!

Screw it. I'm posting it anyway.

Titan's Shot - 1599 Words
"Victory has a taste. And it tastes like vomit."

David's mentor had said years ago and then showed him the steps of how to make himself puke right before a race to lose what extra weight he could. His mentor has said it was a "hard truth". That was nearly ten years ago, and in those ten years as a jockey David had learned there were many hard truths to his sport. The three daily weighings, the scrimping on food, the purges before a race, the greed, and the shots.

It was the shots that troubled David the most as he made his way to the stables. At the beginning of his career the shots seemed innocent enough, vitamin suppliments to keep the horse healthy during the race and stimulate muscle growth. But as time passed the shots grew more and more complex and they morphed from innocent supplements to dangerous steroids each with heavier dosages until the horse was ruined. Racing was called "The Gentleman's Sport" but there was nothing gentlemanly about it. Gentlemen did not make other men vomit, or pump animals full of chemicals for thier enjoyment. It had all turned David cynical, but he loved to ride and couldn't see himself doing anything else.

"Hello Titan." David said as he entered the stable. The horse was an impressively large Grey with specks of black through out his lower body; his name was Titanic's Iceberg but David simply called him Titan. Titan had already had his shot David could tell by the way Titan paced side to side shaking his head and the large pupils of Titan's eyes. Titan's handlers paced in front of him hands outstretched trying to calm the great beast.

"He's in a mood today." The main handler Jim said moving out of David's way.

Yeah, a mood David thought to himself as carefully tried to get into the saddle, no easy task when Titan was agitated. Even with all the practice he had over the years with Titan and his predecessor Atlas the process took several minutes.

Atlas's Burden was a chestnut, beautiful and majestic. They did well, but David could tell something was wrong with Atlas as time passed. The shots were changing him slowly and though they did win more with the new shots, Atlas would need more and more days to recover from a race as time went on. Towards the end David had seen the owner and asked that they let Atlas retire, the poor horse was a wreck, a winning wreck, but a wreck nonetheless. The owner said he would think about it. Six months later Atlas had died.

"Here we go boy." David said as he and Titan emerged into the light of the racing ring to resounding applause. David raised a hand and smiled, and then patted Titan's neck feeling the tensed muscles like knotted snakes.

Just like Atlas David thought as he lead Titan to the racing gate.

"Every year of racing and shots probably takes two away from his heart." The vet had finally admitted after weeks of David's pestering and a substantial number of drinks.

That night David had called the owner. The chatted for a while before David got to his point, "Titan is starting to get like Atlas."

"Hrmm..." The owner replied, "Vet did say he's getting a little worried, but Titan should still have at least one or two more seasons in him."

"Sir, I've seen this before." David reminded "No one spends more time with Titan more than I do and no one spent more time with Atlas more than I did. I'm telling you the signs are all there. We should retire Titan, let him rest a bit."

"But we have a chance to go into the post season." The owner rebutted immediately, "No way we can let the fans down when Titanic's Iceberg has a great chance."

and by fans you mean investors David thought to himself. The post season was three months long and if Titan made it to the post season he'd assuredly race in the next season.

"Titan's a great horse, it'd be a shame if he was too weak to stud and miss that revenue stream." David countered hitting where it hurt. Money.

"There's always artificial insemination. But you're right I'll get the vet to schedule some extractions after the season's over. Thanks."

That was where the discussion ended. David forced the thoughts from his mind as Titan entered the racing stall. It was the most dangerous time for David. With the shots making the horses hyper and nervous any sudden bump against a girder could snap a jockey's leg. David focused on keeping Titan calm but ready.

It was a balmy, sunny day the kind made for horse racing. The stands were packed with spectators. It was the last race before post season and the drama was high. After a fair season Titan needed to place first to secure a seat in the post season, as did two other horses. David tried to clear his mind, but the importance of the race kept creeping through the corners of his mind. Three laps and it'll be over. 12 turns. 3 laps

He looked up and down the line of jockeys at their horses. They all looked as nervous as he did and all were trying to calm their horses. David knew all of them and was friends with most. But he had learned at race time there were no names, only colors. It was easier to keep track of in the heat of the moment. The gate behind him closed locking Titan into position. David took a long breath as the trumpet fanfare began and mentally ran through his notes.

"Orange breaks early. Let him run himself out."
"Purple crowds in on the third turn keep him to your right."

The stadium speakers blared out names of horses and riders.

"Blue will break late, be sure to be at least a length ahead of him by the second turn of the last lap."
"Red takes a wide turn if you're next to him push him out farther."

A man in a white coat lifted the starter gun over his head.

"Black is your hardest competitor, beat him and everything else will fall into place."
"Yellow likes to try to pass on the left."

Bang.

The gate opened. Titan launched out of the gate like a spring that had been compressed too tightly then released. People talked of the thrill of the race or the romance of the race, to David a race was neither thrilling or romantic. It was something unexplainable, something terrifyingly organic and primitive like passionate sex on a Sunday afternoon.

The first four turns were easy, Titan barely needed any leading. David counted the turns as Titan settled into a pace.

Three.....Four

As the second lap started David began to lean in pushing Titan to a faster pace but not too fast. The crowd was a blur and the only sound was a muffled swoosh of air. The horses began to crowd together. David stopped counting turns and began to beat his jockey whip against Titan rhythmically edging him on faster.

Four more turns passed, two horses broke from the pack taking a substantial lead. It's time David thought as tightened his grip on the reins and gave Titan his head. It was like riding on a thunder cloud, the thundering of the hooves beneath and the blue sky above, flying past the competition. Bringing him and up to the leaders of the race. Side by side the three horses thundered down the track leaving the rest of the pack, unimportant now, behind them.

The finish line was in sight. In the stands gentlemen in their suits and ladies in their flowered hats cheered and yelled as jockey and horse sprinted through flecks of dirt caked with horse urine and shit towards the finish.

There was a flash as Titan and two other horses crossed the finish line. David lifted his head and looked at the prompter. The winner wasn't posted, it would be a photo finish. Beneath him David could hear Titan's ragged exhausted breath.

"You did well." David said has he patted Titan's sweat drenched mane. Titan's muscels twitched. Finally Titan stopped and David and the other two leading riders came to the middle of the ring. The giant screen replayed the finish over and over again.

"Yes ladies and gentlemen it's a photo finish! Once the judges have verified a winner it will be announced." The speakers blared over the buzz of the crowd.

David only needed to see the replay once. His heart sank at what he saw.

He had given Titan his head a little too early on purpose, trying to tire the great horse out before the finish sprint. A loss in the race would mean the season would be over, and David could make the case for Titan's retirement. But at the last second Titan darted forward urged on by the siren song that was injected into his blood.

"Oh Titan." David whispered sadly into the horse's neck as he gave the great beast a hug.

The crowd began to cheer loudly as speakers bellowed that Titan had won first place. David could see the owner in the stands jump up and shouting and hugging his wife. David forced a smile and waved at the crowd. He gagged a little at the acrid taste of victory in his mouth.

AlternativeUlster said:

"On, On, On"

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I like the way you present your series of brief but amusing snippets of info with the cast of characters. It's a cool structure, and was fun/funny to read. The ending bit was a little disappointing. It would have probably been surprising from anyone else, but from you, it was more or less what I expected. Well, minus the chlamydia.

Gattsu25 said:

Lebab

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Interesting stuff! It's so brief that I feel almost cheated out of a proper story, but you get a lot into those few words. I like the use of words like "firmament"--lends a nice Biblical feel to the proceedings. Given that its so short, I'd like it to be tighter. There's some unnecessary repetition ("cusp of existence," "end of all existence") and over-verbiage ("now, in its own way, it had come to make sense").

Timedog said:

Liquid Fix

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Love the opening line. It gets pulled down a little by the sentences following, though, losing a bit of its impact.

I actually like the concept here, until the whole thing takes a left turn into drugs and resurrection or whatever the hell is going on. I mean, it's not that I dislike it at that point, it's that the story completely changes and I kind of lose the thread. Not in the "authorial intrusion" manner I talked about with some of your other stuff--it just feels like two different stories.

Final line is good stuff too.

nitewulf said:

Contentment a la Zen, part Deux

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Another awesome opening. The story then seems to wander off from you, and only really begins with the shirt wite-out vignette. But it all wraps around nicely by the end. Still, the other stuff within that wrap around doesn't quite match up with it. It all seems a bit out of the blue.

I enjoyed the story, but it feels... not incoherent, exactly. But somewhat disconnected.

ronito said:

DAMMMMIITTTTT!!!!!!

I thought the deadline was today!!!!!ARGH!!!!!

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Ouch. I was wondering what had happened to you.

ZephyrFate said:

Pretty small turnout, comparatively. Now I gotta read them entries!

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Well, compared to some of the bigger recent ones, sure. But I figure any time we're in double digits on the entries, we're doing pretty well. Last year we had several with only a few entries.

For whatever reason, a lot of people started jumping in after the NaNoWriMo break and once we switched over to 2009. Maybe New Years' resolutions? Anyway, I'm not going to complain.

Aaron:
I like the world and Bob or whoever the main character is, but it ended too quick. Or maybe the ending wasn’t big enough. I’m told humans are the immortal cockroach, but I have no backup from the story to prove it to me, other than the re-animation/zombie factory mention. A few grammar mistakes made for a bumpy ride.

Zephyr:
I don’t know what’s going on and that’s ok. It’s got a cool feel that mimics how the main guy must feel. I’m having fun and In the middle I thought I might see the twist/goal when they are in the stolen car, but I guessed wrong when I got to the end.

From the stolen car to the end doesn’t work for me.

If his flashbacks were previous to the robbery then the stolen car thing throws it off. If they did escape the bank then the last scene in the vault is messed up. I want there to be a reason or purpose to the scenes. I loved it except for that.

Rurouni:
The two kids need more characterization. They felt flat to me, I had to scroll up and figure out who was who. Also, why no female flashers? What about equal opportunity?

Much to my chagrin, my story contains a ‘instantly forgetting a dream’ bit as well. It’s like going to a party and realizing you have the same shirt as someone else… and I arrived second. It does make me like your story though, and not just because I have to.

The overuse of the phrase ‘in a flash’ in completely excused when I arrive at the end.


Vicious Squirrel:

Leant?

Reread your dialogue and experiment taking out pairs. If it still makes sense/ the point then you don’t need them. I think you’ll find this will crank it up a notch. Ditch the last line.

I’d like to have a better feel for Albert. I get a sense of what he is about but not enough. That could be due to this feeling more like a partial story. This is the conflict but where is the goal or resolution.



Nitewulf:
Where the women at. Simple yet hilarious.

The white out- excellent.

Flow was weird, a lot of jumping around and I didn’t get what you were doing until the end. Then I realized it was a day in the life of deal instead of a list. Some of the short sentences just didn’t work for me, I was wishing for a comma instead. Nice characterization, the character feels real.

mercviper:
A cool start. though i wonder why the guy is barefoot ("stone tiles are cool against my feet")
Nice pacing, but it ended abruptly. I had no indication as to why the guy would laugh at the end as he did.
The guy wants to escape, he's lost in a maze... and then that's it. I was looking for a disaster or resolution but it didn't come.
As far as length, I felt your story was only half of a scene. Once the guy falls, it's on. He should have a reaction of panic. He faces a dilemma of where to go/what to do. His decision is to face the dragon. You've then set yourself up for a new goal, with new conflicts, and you just keep writing. That's where I saw it going.

Cyan:
startlement- It's one of those words that seems made up.

Mark's obsession- I get your intention but the way it reads, he continues with life and isn't obsessed until he is in his late 20's. I first read it and thought, what a delayed reaction.
A few subtle, but well placed elements led me to believe the stranger isn't unknown to Mark.

Hmm, apparently Mark knows more than me. My sigh wasn't contentment. You'll probably explain it and I'll feel silly I didn't see it.
I was feeling a 12 Monkeys, Vonnegut vibe.


Ronito: I was suprised when I didn't see you post last night, after indicating you were almost done.

Wow. You take a subject I know nothing about, and convince me you know it all.

The pacing, emotions, story coming full circle, and the word twist all were great.
This is probably my favorite piece you've done. Nice story.

Awesome to see new posters, though, unfortunate that some of the 'regulars' didn't have time to post- crowphoenix, botolf, dumbnamed.

The reason the scenes feel disjointed is that his memory has been entirely screwed over by whatever amount of alcohol he had at the bar. That's why the time continuum is screwy. Everything up to the bar scene is chronologically in order. The bar scene is before the bank break-in. The last bit at the end is sometime in the future; at some point they got caught. Thanks for the critique!

Ward said:

Cyan:
Mark's obsession- I get your intention but the way it reads, he continues with life and isn't obsessed until he is in his late 20's. I first read it and thought, what a delayed reaction.

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Oops, it does sound like that. Poor sentence construction there.

I was feeling a 12 Monkeys, Vonnegut vibe.

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Egggsellent. Thanks for the comments.

I'm kind of curious to see if people will get what was going on without me explaining it. But I'll explain later if it was just too confusing. I can never tell with these things if I'm being too obvious, or too subtle.

AlternativeUlster: I don't know what to say or if what I say will even register. For us it's a fun little piece. If the reader didn't know you the way we do why would they care?

Gattsu25: I like it a nice little snippet. Effective use of words despite the void.

Timedog: It seems like two different pieces smashed into one. The tone is just different. From like a guy that's just sitting at a bar talking about his life and you're like "Hells yeah!" and then suddenly you turn all poetic. A bit of a jump for me. Though that last line is fantastic.

Nitewulf: Meanders a bit even for a piece that's supposed to be meander, in the end it all felt sorta disjointed. It felt like you started with a vision in mind then took a small detour with the whole shirt thing then came back and was like "Oh yeah, that!"

viciouskillersquirrel: Charizard? Seriously though, nice piece with good dialogue, but I do feel I should ask what are you trying to tell us? Ulster was trying to tell us he's Ulster, Gattsu painted a nice small vignette, Timedog and Nitewulf talked about life. I never really felt that I understood what you were trying to say. Because of that I never felt I got closure.

Rouronzeweal: The last line is groan worthy. I really liked the idea of zombie flashers taking over a bus. It's a shame you abandoned it for the dream thing, felt like a cop out. I'd have loved to see what would've happened if you kept it up. I might be reading too much into it but it seems to me your main issue is that you gotta have more confidence in your ability to write and more importantly in your concept. Like I said you had a great concept here and seems like maybe you thought it was too silly and then just said, "Just Kidding". You really should've run with it. You fail? Learn more. Fail better.

ZephyrFate: You went for a certain style and it worked for and against you.The fast pacing the constant guessing were great but you spent too much time on certain things (the blood certainly) that really went against the "grain" you had set. Nice piece though.

Aaron: He's the tagman! beedaadarummbaabaadeededilldedoodeedoodeemmoooo! I like your descriptions but it just didn't grab me for some reason. I knew the moment Carl was called away he'd die. It just seemed like a journey we've taken before.

Scribble: Love the concept. In a piece with this much dialogue you need to focus a lot on voicing. By the end of it the reader should be able to tell who's talking without reading the x saids afterwards. For example Blue man is from Brooklyn restructuring the sentence like this would've sounded more "brooklyn-ese"
"Greetin's. I'm Blue. I help people die. The people who want to die, see? I tells them when to bolt if they want the car to hit them and 'pow'end it. Got it?"Although you did a great job on Pink Lady. Still I'm only telling you how to make a good piece even better. Really love it especially the ending.

Cyan: haha! Very clever. I was surprised to not seey anything about me not giving Ulster the reach around. I like the pace and the recurrence very well done. But I do fear that you're going so many places it's easy for the reader to get lost.

Ward: I've always found the use of "You" to be rather weak. I'd probably have used "It was an instantly forgotten dream." Or something else it just started weakly for me. As for the rest I like the pacing you kept but it could've benefitted from some editing some parts I just felt weren't needed and others too short. Nice entry.

Mercviper: Seems to me that length is the main gripe I had. Too long for a vignette, too short for a full on story and it left me wanting more. What you had was good, I was just left with too many questions.

My votes:

Scribble: Again I'm a sucker for a good concept. Really the votes were very close. But this one eeks out ahead because I was it was good enough for me to want to share it with my wife. Fine job.

Cyan: Again a good concept, good pacing, good effort.

Timedog: Parity aside it was a very strong piece and you do a good job of getting the reader to understand something that can't be understood completely. And that last line. Gold. Just gold.

Ward said:

mercviper:
A cool start. though i wonder why the guy is barefoot ("stone tiles are cool against my feet")
Nice pacing, but it ended abruptly. I had no indication as to why the guy would laugh at the end as he did.
The guy wants to escape, he's lost in a maze... and then that's it. I was looking for a disaster or resolution but it didn't come.
As far as length, I felt your story was only half of a scene. Once the guy falls, it's on. He should have a reaction of panic. He faces a dilemma of where to go/what to do. His decision is to face the dragon. You've then set yourself up for a new goal, with new conflicts, and you just keep writing. That's where I saw it going.

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Yeah, I left out a fair amount of backstory. I didn't look at the topic til Tuesday and I take a while to hammer out my ideas. Forcing it before the deadline would've left me unhappy with my output and I figured I could get away with what I wanted to write. (which was just this much of the scene/halfscene)

The ending is abrupt, but I wanted it to be. I'm not satisfied though because there was a lot of other stuff I wanted to imply with it that I had trouble conveying.

This is what happens:

viciouskillersquirrel said:

Sharing the happy news

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I like it! Excellent first entry. You set up a very simple situation and conflict, but one which is easy to identify with and makes for a compelling story. The trouble is, it's maybe a bit too easy for our buddy Alfred. His parents are upset, but they're not really going all out to stop him from this madness that has overtaken him. Can they call the cops? A lawyer? A psychiatrist? Can they attempt to physically restrain him? He says he won't sit there and defend himself--but they can try to make him do just that, can't they?

Re: the dialogue. This is a dialogue-heavy story, and the story really hinges on the believability of the dialogue. The good news is, it largely works. But there are a few spots where something rings slightly false to me. (a few examples: "I am just in disbelief." "Tell her 'my son married someone else.'" "We've got more questions.") My favorite suggestion for dialogue is to go ahead and read it aloud to yourself. Do it in a character's voice if you want. Just listen to how it sounds spoken aloud, and whether it seems right to you or not.

Also: Charizard? Hmm...

RuoronZiel said:

The Flash Army

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Ok, I'm really not fond of "it was all a dream" endings, but the last line was cute. The interplay between the two kids is nice, and the surrealness of the flasher army is handled well. The problem: this is basically a sort of mystery plot--the characters have no goal other than to find out what's going on, and the reader is drawn along with them to find out the solution. Having it be a dream is a disappointing answer.

crowphoenix said:

Excuse

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But what would the boy have learned if the child had died?

Heh, the last line is hilarious because...


I figured most people wouldn't get the last section, so I almost made the last line which might have made things even more confusing. :lol

thanx for the comments so far. my story is non-linear, describes two different days...the current day, and a day a few weeks past...everything described is true, probably why it feels real that way. its purposefully non-linear, i wanted to see if people got that. i'll most likely enter a lot of disjointed, non-linear, real life stories from now on. my initial stories started out that way, so im going back to roots, unless i choose to enter speculative fiction.

i could have cleared out the differences between the days a bit, but i already hit the word limit so i didn't. i wanna know how swallow-able disjointed pieces are, i have to know that.

Timedog said:

I figured most people wouldn't get the last section, so I almost made the last line

Spoiler

"Woohoo, I just won the gold medal for high dive in the Olympic games!

which might have made things even more confusing. :lol

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No way. I'm glad you kept it as is.

I thought this was fairly dark/ironic given the topic of my story this week.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dy...04/23/AR2009042303210.html?hpid=moreheadlines

The pharmacy that prepared a nutritional supplement given to 21 horses who collapsed and died at a polo event Sunday admitted making a mistake in the dosage of one of the ingredients, according to an official at the pharmacy in Ocala, Fla., providing a possibly significant breakthrough in the case that has stumped the polo world this week.

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IT'S TIME FOR CHRISTMAS GORDITAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ronito said:

Scribble: Love the concept. In a piece with this much dialogue you need to focus a lot on voicing. By the end of it the reader should be able to tell who's talking without reading the x saids afterwards. For example Blue man is from Brooklyn restructuring the sentence like this would've sounded more "brooklyn-ese"
"Greetin's. I'm Blue. I help people die. The people who want to die, see? I tells them when to bolt if they want the car to hit them and 'pow'end it. Got it?"Although you did a great job on Pink Lady. Still I'm only telling you how to make a good piece even better. Really love it especially the ending.
.

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Haha, that's great! It's true -- the Brooklyn thing was shoehorned in, tbh. He was always meant to be American, but I didn't want to say 'American accent', so I randomly decided on Brooklyn. I'm tempted to steal that from you.


And when reading Limyaael's great fantasy rants, I realised what Cyan meant with his criticism of my last story. I feel stupid:

Limyaael said:

ravish/ravage. No, not the same word, sorry to disappoint you. "Ravish" means to rape or to enchant (contradictory meanings, I know), since it has a root meaning of "seize, carry off." Ravage means "to destroy," and is usually the word that people want, since it can be used in the context of, say, Viking look-alikes hitting and destroying a village. But it makes no sense to say, "Ravage the women and ravish the village!"

Ravish does have a place in fantasy, as a means of speaking about rape without necessarily introducing a too-modern vocabulary. But please use it in the right way, since used wrongly it will make the knowledgeable part of your audience roll their eyes (or snort and giggle, or throw the book across the room).

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:lol


I've got internet access for a weekend, so I'll be giving feedback and voting fo sho

voting ends tomorrow guys.

By the guidelines, I suppose I shouldn't vote for ronito but...

Voting:

"Titan's Shot"- ronito

“Stranger”- Cyan

“Ukelele Woman”- ZephyrFate

ZephyrFate said:

Ukelele Woman

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Well, it's got your usual descriptive panache, and I like the segment in the car where the narrator talks about not listening to his buddy. Also, you seem to be experimenting with style in this one (it's almost Timedoggish), which is nice to see. But it doesn't quite work for me.

Frankly, I'm pretty confused by the whole thing. First of all, the narrator is unreliable because he has amnesia or is crazy or something. Then he also admits he is a pathological liar. Yikes, I really can't deal with all of those at once. If it was one or the other, then I'd probably try to sort out what really happened from his descriptions, but that many different factors make that seem impossible.

My take is: they robbed a bank, went home, went to a hospital, went to a bar, got arrested. In some order, but who knows which of these are true and which are invented. Edit: just read your clarifying comment, but that order almost makes it worse. Besides amnesia and pathological lying he's also drunk as hell? Damn.

Aaron said:

Tagman

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The usual stuff: inventive and interesting and a nice readable style. Only real complaint here is how long it takes Carl to figure out what the creature is. Him not figuring it out is the only way the reveal at the end can work, but it just felt odd. I found myself wondering how he could have missed seeing what it was earlier. I mean, if the aliens look like large cats, you'd think these people would be more careful around things that look like large cats, even if they can't see them well.

I was also bothered that he "couldn't bring himself to look away." Does this mean he tried but was unable? Because the way it's worded makes it sound like he simply chose not to look away... which struck me as really bizarre. I wondered why his first instinct wasn't to cover his eyes, look away, dive to the ground, anything to get away from the flash of light.

I do love the creativity here.

Scribble said:

Three's a Traffic Jam

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This is fun and creative. I like some of your more subtle touches (“Enter!” said Red Man. “That's my job,” said Green Man). It also still worked for me despite the differences between UK and US traffic crossings (here, it's common to have a white walking figure for "cross", and a flashing red hand for "stop").

It could have done with a little more editing. There were a few unclear parts ("the cars started and the zombie was"... was what?). Also, I got that the counter was going backwards due to ghosts crossing the road--but why so many ghosts on that one night? And why didn't the zombie make the counter go backwards?

I demand more realism.

The amnesia and lying are all a factor of his absolute drunkenness. He essentially blacked out but not so much that he doesn't remember bits and pieces (which is why he only remembers certain scenes, then blanks out and finds himself in a totally different locale).

Thank you for the critique. I am definitely trying to experiment with style and yeah, I will admit that Timedog definitely influenced my work on this piece. I'm going to tweak it with future entries, definitely.

Ward said:

The Killer Phantom Turtles

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Well, you definitely let us know what to expect with that title! I like the pacing and atmosphere of the first portion of the story, but I'm not sure the first portion is necessary. If this story is about killer phantom turtles, the first bit could have been cut out completely, and the extra words used to flesh out the other part. The thing about the coyote could easily have been dropped in elsewhere.

I like the character interaction at the campground, and was kind of bummed when it was lost due to people dieing (?). But I could do without the continually changing dialogue tags (Jason proclaimed, Anna jeered, Matt interjected, Anna exclaimed, Jason stammered). This is kind of a pet peeve of mine. It just feels very artificial. You might try action tags instead, as you did on one of Jason's lines (“What? Come on, show us you aren’t uptight.” Jason rose and grabbed Teresa’s arm.). Or just "said."

Also, Troy's a bastard for not trying to warn the gas station guy.

Also... invisible killer turtles? Is this all a dream?

mercviper said:

Freedom Foreseen

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Brevity is underrated. I think you nicely capture something here without going overboard on description. On the other hand, the whole thing was pretty confusing. Somehow the guy loops around without noticing it, to above where he was when he started? But then, isn't the thing chasing him now between him and the exit? Side note: the line about going to the beach really feels out of place.

Fake edit: Ok, after writing this I went and looked at your spoilered explanation. Now I'm even more confused. If the guy was getting some kind of premonition, that needed to be indicated in the text. The reader had absolutely no way of knowing that's what was going on. As for the rest of the stuff--on his way to the beach, wearing flip flops, etc--I don't think this backstory really helps the main story. It's not really relevant to his escape attempt.

ronito said:

Titan's Shot

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Great opening line. And I love that you wrap around back to it at the end. Nicely done.

You do something really well here that I'd like to highlight--you go into just enough specific details on the horseracing to convince us that you know what you're talking about. I have no idea whether or not you're an expert on the subject, but while reading, I was convinced that you were. This lends a nice hefty weight of realism to the story. Good work.

Only a few nitpicks. The conversation between David and the owner didn't feel quite right to me--the owner seemed a bit too much like a stereotypical rich man only out for money. The other is the ending. I would've liked to know that David was giving Titan his head too early as it happened. I think the end of the race might've been stronger for it. As it was, I didn't quite know what to root for.

Finally, how the hell did you forget the deadline? This was a great piece; I would've liked to vote for it.

Get a brain, morans.

1. ronito – “Titan's Shot”
2. nitewulf – “Contentment a la Zen, part Deux”
3. Aaron – “Tagman”

Hon. Mention: ZephyrFate – “Ukelele Woman”; viciouskillersquirrel – “Sharing the happy news”

Cyan said:

You do something really well here that I'd like to highlight--you go into just enough specific details on the horseracing to convince us that you know what you're talking about. I have no idea whether or not you're an expert on the subject, but while reading, I was convinced that you were. This lends a nice hefty weight of realism to the story. Good work.

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Thanks, this isn't the first time I've heard this, and I appreciate that. For the record, the inspiration for this came from an NPR story about horse racing and the shots they give the horses. I don't know squat about horse racing (I don't even think a horse racing even has a post season).

Cyan said:

Only a few nitpicks. The conversation between David and the owner didn't feel quite right to me--the owner seemed a bit too much like a stereotypical rich man only out for money. The other is the ending. I would've liked to know that David was giving Titan his head too early as it happened. I think the end of the race might've been stronger for it. As it was, I didn't quite know what to root for.

Finally, how the hell did you forget the deadline? This was a great piece; I would've liked to vote for it.

Get a brain, morans.

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Funny thing. For the record what I posted was what I had on Wednesday night. Wednesday night I read it to my wife (and she can testify to this) and prepared to post it but I was unhappy about two things

1. The boss conversation was too cliche
2. Whether or not to tell them that the head was given too early before I did. It would've been more dramatic if I did but I lost the twist at the end.

I figured "Deadline's tomorrow I'll decide then." I don't know WHY I thought the deadline was Thursday. But I did. So it's funny that you pick out the same 2 things I picked out (sorta eerie) but for what it's worth, I posted what I had at the time of the deadline. Damn my moronic self for thinking deadline was Thursday, how many of these have I done? Either way thanks for the feedback.

You may have thought it was Thursday because the new challenge started a day later than usual.

Scribble said:

You may have thought it was Thursday because the new challenge started a day later than usual.

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I think it was because I had a different deadline on Thursday and I combined the two.

Scribble said:

You may have thought it was Thursday because the new challenge started a day later than usual.

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That's true. I wanted to keep to the same days, but that did shorten the length of the challenge. I'm just going to add ronito's entry to the list of eligible ones. If you want to vote for his, then feel free. You still have the option not to vote for his, whether you prefer others or you take the deadline into account.

Let's not make a habit of this. The voting deadline is still Saturday, 4/25 at 11:59 PM Pacific.

ronito said:

Thanks, this isn't the first time I've heard this, and I appreciate that. For the record, the inspiration for this came from an NPR story about horse racing and the shots they give the horses. I don't know squat about horse racing (I don't even think a horse racing even has a post season).

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Haha, that figures. But that's the great thing about having a few believable details--everything else can be glossed over, and we'll fill in the background ourselves.

Cyan said:

Also... invisible killer turtles? Is this all a dream?

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I like my runways. =)

Yeah, dialogue tag jumping. I usually try to avoid it, but I've never written a story with more than two people talking. I'll have to go back and see what I can do on that, or just not have more than two people in dialogue.

DumbNameD said:

That's true. I wanted to keep to the same days, but that did shorten the length of the challenge. I'm just going to add ronito's entry to the list of eligible ones. If you want to vote for his, then feel free. You still have the option not to vote for his, whether you prefer others or you take the deadline into account.

Let's not make a habit of this. The voting deadline is still Saturday, 4/25 at 11:59 PM Pacific.

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I love you.

Sorry guys. Honest mistake.

O_O

That's a terrifying picture, dude. I'm with Scribble.

P.S. Let's get in some votes, dudes! Only three so far.

not that I'm one to talk about deadlines but I believe today's the last day for voting and we only gots 3. Here's your reminder, you can't win if you don't vote.

I'm too busy fighting off a marsupial invasion to do comments this time... actually, my brain is just about empty and pressed for time, which should be obvious from the rushed nature of my recent entries. I will still vote!

1 - Cyan - A little too much Sword in the Stone. Also the payoff is fairly weak.
2 - Ronito - While the story is solid, the writing is a bit plain. Not something you usually have any problem with.
3 - ZephyrFate - Pretty much the opposite problem. It's overwritten to the point it actually interferes with the story you're trying to tell. You're trying to do a bit much at once.

AlternativeUlster: Very amusing, but the list of girls was way too long.
Gattsu: Flash fiction. I liked this more than I thought I would, because I don't usually 'get' these kinds of pieces. But I liked it.
Timedog: That Same Dong part was great awesome. I read Chuck Puchanakunaku story about masturbation and it was all gory and stuff. This appealed to me in the same way. Kinda fascinating. Liked da ending too
nitewulf: Loved the very real-world setting, and the humour
viciouskillersquirrel: That Charizard thing made me laugh, yet I didn't like it being there. A pokemon reference kin. I'm also kind of disappointed with the
direction it took. It started off so well and I expected a twist to the whole thng.
ZephyrFate: The plot didn't appeal to me here but I thought the atmosphere was great.
Aaron: Well written, but I didn't find anything particularly special here.
Cyan: OK, this is just me being simple. But what was going on here? I read twice and still didn't get it. It's my dyslexia!
ronito: Very solid story. Nice and tight (Until the horse gets to it -- sorry, that was very inappropriate)
Ward: I wanted a twist. You said Killer Phantom Turtles and we got Killer Phantom Turtles. Wanted more from this.
RurouniZel: IT WAS ALL A DREAM. =P This totally seemed like a nightmare though. Scary.
Mercviper: It's not bad, and I don't have issues with the writing, but I found the plot a tad bland.

Vetos:

1. nitewulf
2. Timedog
3. rontio

onnerabble menshun: Cyan, because it intruiged me enough to make me read twice

last few hour gents.

It's very quiet round here this time.

AlternativeUlster - Interesting, if not entirely appealing to what I'd like to read in a story, haha. I like it, though.

Timedog - I fucking loved this. Every god damn sentence. Pure fucking gold. I know I'm kissing your ass with this as well as your influence on my own entry, but this was awesome.

Gattsu25 - Needs length! I want you to take this idea and expand upon it! It has potential. Exploit it!

nitewulf - Was having a tough time getting into this one. The writing wasn't quite polished enough to keep me interested and going. I like some parts here and there but the overall plot isn't quite as involving as it could be.

viciouskillersquirrel - :lol Charizard. Nice piece.

RurouniZel - I like it. Plot twist was definitely expected, though.

Aaron - I like the leadup and atmosphere, though some explanation of what exactly... well, happened in this apocalyptic world would have been nice. Though, maybe it is better enigmatic. The ending is pretty interesting, and a bit cold, too.

Scribble - One of the most interesting and original entries I've read in this challenge. Well done, man.

Cyan - I like the mystery angle of this piece, and I can't help but feel a similarity between this story and one I've heard before from a friend of mine... a real, true-to-life story. That almost makes it creepy! Good stuff.

Ward - The title had me smirk a bit. I like it, but the ending is definitely more rewarding than the rest of the piece, in my opinion.

mercviper - Tense piece, and very atmospheric. I know you could have run with this and made it longer, because you can definitely nail the paranoia angle well.

ronito - I enjoyed the Greek and Biblical references in this piece, and it's quite different to have a story focused on horse racing in these challenges. No problems here.

Votes:
1. Timedog
2. Scribble
3. mercviper

Pretty close at the moment!

Scribble said:

Cyan: OK, this is just me being simple. But what was going on here? I read twice and still didn't get it. It's my dyslexia!

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Well, since this challenge is about wrapped up, here's a hint...

One more hour to get some votes in...

Half an hour left for voting.

My votes:
1. ronito - "Titan's Shot"
2. Scribble - "Three's a Traffic Jam"
3. Cyan - "Stranger"

The Results:

1st Place: ronito - "Titan's Shot"
2nd Place: Cyan – “Stranger”
3rd Place: Scribble – “Three’s a Traffic Jam”

Vote Count:

ronito - 12 (3)
Cyan - 8 (1)
Scribble - 7 (1)
Timedog - 6 (1)
nitewulf - 5 (1)
ZephyrFate - 2
Aaron - 1
mercviper - 1

Congrats ronito! A well-earned victory; I think this was your best piece yet.

Good challenge all round. I had a lot of fun turning my brain around backwards to write this one. Thanks all for the comments.

1. ronito
2. nitewulf
3. cyan

I WAS EXHAUSED AND FELL ASLEEP FUCK.

Awesome, ronito!

congrats ronito. sorry, weather's been too goon in nyc this weekend so i pretty much stayed outside all day playing soccer and drinking beer and hanging around the water...i didnt have time to finish reading all the entries, so i had to opt out of voting.