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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #28 - "Ill Wind"

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Timedog said:
I don't get it :(
Most of the time, you don't think of mail carrier as being an action packed job. So, "Action in Mailing" makes me think of guys having to run mail to demons. The grizzled old man packing a loaded pistol at his side and a shot gun in the trunk delivering mail for the mafia or for demons or something.

In a sense, it has that air of being slightly off that allows me to run with it. :D
 

Sibylus

Banned
crowphoenix said:
Most of the time, you don't think of mail carrier as being an action packed job. So, "Action in Mailing" makes me think of guys having to run mail to demons. The grizzled old man packing a loaded pistol at his side and a shot gun in the trunk delivering mail for the mafia or for demons or something.

In a sense, it has that air of being slightly off that allows me to run with it. :D
He's bound to run into Cerberus guarding somebody's front lawn eventually.
 

Aaron

Member
Cyan said:
All right finally got something started, but no idea where it's going yet.
Ah, but you don't have to know. Open ended means never having to say you know where anything is going. :D
 

ronito

Member
Let's begin:

Besada: Some of the wording is uneven. One sentence will be very strong and the next not so much. Overall a very strong entry. Though it seems to come in and go out at the same pace.

GreatRumbler: Gotta be careful not to slip into cliche. I like the image the birds. I certainly wouldn't have reacted so calmly.

Zephyr: Lots of ramblin it can get confusing. Felt a touch too long for what it was. Love the tone though very nicely done. Some nice metaphors and images.

Belfast: I like the concept but I would've started closer to the action part. I have to admit that it was probably residual from Zephyr's but I was secretly hoping the dog would find a line of cocaine and snort it. But still it works really well.
 

Aaron

Member
Threshold
word count: 1,435

Temporal puncture complete.
Searching for host...
Suitable candidate located.
Initiating infiltration...

Shirley gasps, spitting up blood. The nanos found her a body. Still warm. Female. No mental adjustment needed. Already the numbness of her semi-death is receding, and in rushes the unfamiliar stink of a living, breathing city. Feeling flows to her new extremities as the nanos penetrate muscle and bone. With so little time, she immediately struggles to stand, discovering her hands and feet bound in cloth damp with blood.

A young woman's chest carved with a half dozen gaping wounds, set on the ragged and rotting bed of a dumpster. That explains the smell. Already the nanos are stitching up those holes cell by cell, strengthening this corpse until Shirley tears free of her flimsy bonds. She discovers a plastic bag stuffed with a girl's school uniform. In the pockets, Shirley finds a gum wrapper and a carefully folded note marked 'readme.' She doesn't. No point wasting her time on love notes for the dead. Twenty four hours. The nanos are feeding on this walking corpse from the inside out, multiplying until increasing replication errors made them useless. Dying by inches, whether she accomplishes her mission or not.

The big city is a blur of concrete and harsh sunlight. Shirley dives fearlessly into the masses that smear the sidewalks, ignoring the looks as they try to ignore her smell, moving as quick as she could without too much notice. Never seen so many in one place before. A million or more humans living in one place. That's what the history books said. Those that had survived. This body has no identification. An obstacle, but easy enough to find a fitting target, and let pre-programmed reflexes do the work. Everything Shirley needs is stored in those little nanos. City layouts, social norms, security clearances. The exhaustive research of a hundred dying men and women for a one way trip with little hope of success.

"Are you sure this is you, Miss Diane Alexander?" the car rental agent asks doubtfully as he scrutinizes the ID handed to him by a disheveled and four-smelling schoolgirl.

"It's the glasses. I wear contacts now," Shirley answers without feeling, clenching a hidden fist to resist the urge to reach across the cheap desk of fake wood, and rip the man's throat out for the delay.

Sweat gathers on his brow. He avoids her eyes as he drew up the rental agreement with shaking hands, having caught a brief glimpse of a dead gaze like the collapse of a hundred stars.

"Can I use your cess-term?" she asks.
"Our what?"
"Inter-net. Your internet. I need to check a friend's address."
"I guess... no one is using that computer over there."
101.156.567.232...
"Umm, that looks like a military website..."
"Yes. She's in the military. An officer in the military."
"Right. Here are your keys. Return it with a full tank."
"A tank? It isn't a car?"
The rental agent finally shakes his head and moves away.

Lax encryption. Too easy to find the address of a female military officer living off base. Shirley leaves the nanos to guide the body through the long drive, letting her mind drift over the sites as the towering city breaks down to become the pleasant suburbs.

In twenty years, none of it would be left.
In twenty years, every single person there would be dead.
In twenty years, the plague...

Already feeling the nanos starting to degrade, her focus slipping as the wounds begin to reopen, releasing a slow trickle of blood. Shirley can't speed. Can't draw attention to herself. She forces herself to watch the click of minutes passing on the dashboard clock, knowing her time is her only enemy.

An eternity passes. She reaches the humble house with its lawn of lush grass and plastic siding, like something from a dream. Shirley finds her hand shaking as she reaches for the doorbell, but she wills it to steady. The nanos obey for now.

"Excuse me. Can I use your phone?"
The surprised woman is heavily pregnant.
"... your phone?" repeated in the same dead tone.
"Yes, I suppose. It's right over there."

Shirley waits just long enough to hear the sound of the door shutting behind her before spinning around and lunging for the throat of her gracious host. Squeeze and snap, leaving the body on the threshold. The child within still lives. It may even outlast her mother's murderer, for all that it matters.

A quick shower and a deluge of perfume helps disguise the creeping scent of rot. Bandages hold back the blood. The military uniform fits well enough, with sunglasses and hat helping to hide her features. Shirley practices the woman's voice in the mirror for a few moments before she finally moves on.

"Huh? I thought you were on maternity leave, mam."
"It was a miscarriage. I'd rather not talk about it."
"Oh... okay, sorry. You can head on in."

The military base is nothing but a mass of stark concrete. Shirley had stood among its weed-covered remains. She knew where to park, where to go. She passes the initial security checkpoints without a glance, though the bandages were now soaked in cold blood. A spot emerges on the uniform, but she has reached the high security area where this flimsy disguise will not hold.

Alarms erupt throughout the complex, catching Shirley off guard for a few precious moments. Found out earlier than expected. Nanos shift along her fingertips, allowing her to pass through secured doors and other portals. A soldier rushes towards her shouting, but it's too hard to hear his words over the blare. He fires only once before strengthened nails tear out his throat. Shirley can't feel the wound. The cold numbness has returned, slowly spreading as she rushes down long halls sunk deep into the earth, shooting anyone that crosses her path. Coughing and hacking blood, she finally reaches her destination.

Server blocks rise as silent monoliths. Screens display maps of the world, marking all the great cities humans had raised from the bones of the earth. Shirley stares in awe for a moment at these names, no more than words in her time. Then her eyes fall upon the camera mounted in the silo, and the death sleeping there.

"You! You killed my wife!"

An officer with red face and raven hair greying at the temples stumbles and gasps as he passes through the open door, worn from grief and effort as he holds a pistol in his shaking hands.

"If you say so."

A shot rings out, passing through skull and bone, but the brain within has already degraded so much that all that remains of Shirley is within the nanos, burning out like old bulbs. She reaches for the console as the man attempts to wrestle her to the ground, but she easily tosses him aside. The enraged officer slams into a stone wall with the crack of breaking bones.

"Why? Why are you doing this?"
"To prevent world peace."
"I... I don't understand."

"In twenty years, the establishment of lasting peace and a one world government will allow a plague to spread all over the globe, wiping out 99.9% of the population, and inflame a conflict that will ruin this planet until no more than a thousand are left."

"So... you're from the future? But why this? Why provoke a war now to kill millions? Is there... no other way..."

"This isn't our first attempt. Small changes were tried, and they came to believe that the past couldn't be altered because whatever they did was already included in the result. I, however, believe that time only has a very strong self correcting mechanism. It bent to account for any changes that were made, like smoothing wrinkles on a shirt. So what's needed is an event so severe to pass a threshold beyond what time can possibly correct."

The man slips unconscious before hearing much, though it hardly matters. Soon he will be dead, and soon after the propped up corpse of a young girl would join him. So Shirley inputted all the proper commands, bypassing all of the tedious security, until with shaking hands she entered the launch codes, and watched the warhead vanish from view in a cloud of smoke and fire.

Sticking her quivering hands in her pockets with the hope to still them, Shirley rediscovers the note. The words 'readme' suddenly sparks something in the fragmenting remains of her mind:

'A body will be prepared for you. In it's pocket...'

With whole body trembling, Shirley unfolds the note.
 

ronito

Member
Superfly: some of the wordings seem a little awkward almost like you're trying too hard at times. Some very good images and descriptions.

ward:Interesting concept, though perhaps it's just because I'm tired i had to read it through twice to make sure I got it. Nicely done.

Aaron: Very good pacing. You grab the reader by the throat and proceed to drag them through your story. It's great. Very 12 monkeys-ish.
 

Aaron

Member
ronito said:
Aaron: Very good pacing. You grab the reader by the throat and proceed to drag them through your story. It's great. Very 12 monkeys-ish.
Thanks. I admit to being heavily inspired by 12 monkeys. I even considered changing a few things just to lean it away from that, but eh. It's a great movie. I feel no shame in it.
 
I think I'm going to try to write an idea I've been kicking around for several years. One of those that may be a bit beyond the challenge and my own abilities as a writer. It's only the secondary objective that makes me think I may be able to pull it, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to bring in the larger elements.
 

Cyan

Banned
crowphoenix said:
I think I'm going to try to write an idea I've been kicking around for several years. One of those that may be a bit beyond the challenge and my own abilities as a writer. It's only the secondary objective that makes me think I may be able to pull it, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to bring in the larger elements.
Awesome!

I'm still trying to figure out where to go with mine after the first few hundred words...
 

Azih

Member
Word count 1580
The Health of Men

Rain fell in sporadic bursts, sudden sneezes and hacking coughs from an overcast sky that looked more puce than gray in the twilight. Doctor Brown bent against the weather as as he strode home; wind blowing the cold rain directly in his face, feet squelching wetly in puddles created between the cobbles by slowly dribbling gutters.

The package he clutched carefully to his chest was of not inconsiderable weight. Wrapped in two layers of wax paper, with a liberally applied coat of goose fat covering it, it was as waterproof as could be expected and just as greasy. Loath as he was to relinquish his fragile hold Doctor Brown nevertheless placed it carefully on the ground at certain places on a circuitous route towards his place of home and business as he bent over to sniff deeply at sewer grates. He had always believed in working as efficiently as possible and accomplishing multiple tasks on one single trip out of doors was the source of some satisfaction.

The stink of the tannery and the bustle of much industry greeted the doctor as he arrived at his apartments a full three quarters of an hour later than if he had taken a more direct route. The sign advertising his services was a bit worse for wear but was clean enough to be legible:

"DOCTOR D. BROWN

PROFESSIONAL REMEDIES AND CURES
FOR ALL MALADIES SICKNESS AND DISEASE."

The elements had remained disagreeable throughout the journey and he was wet, cold, and tired with arms that ached terribly from cradling their cargo. Throwing caution to the wind the doctor entrusted the package to his left hand as it dropped to his side while he banged on the door with his right.

"The Doctor isn't in today. He'll be available tomorrow." A thin voice eventually called from inside.

"It's me Mollie" The Doctor shouted "Let me in or I'll catch my death".

Doctor Brown's keen ears picked up a patter of feet behind the door and then the bolts were thrown back and the door was pulled back wide with a heave. The doctor strode in quickly, brushing past the young girl that had opened it, eager to be out of the rain. Hefting the weighty parcel onto a counter top near the door he turned to consider Mollie.

Standing wide eyed at a little less than four feet tall Mollie presented an unimpressive sight in her dusty urchin's clothes. Dr. Brown stamped towards her as he removed his deer-stalker cap and shook it out. Looming more than two feet over her she shrank back as he reached over her.

"How many times have I told you to use the chain when opening the door?" the doctor said forcefully while swinging the door closed with a hard push.

Mollie cringed as the door slammed shut. Sighing Dr. Brown reached down and mussed her mousy brown hair. "Security, child, must be uppermost in your mind." He hung his cap up on coat hook and followed it with his well worn coat. Sweeping back the long thin black hairs clinging to his forehead he headed back towards the counter still stamping hard to work some heat back into his sodden feet. "Would you kindly then lock the door?"

Turning he watched as Mollie carefully slotted the bolts back in place including the security chain and turned the locks, standing on tip toe to reach the highest one. Nodding he hefted the parcel up with a grunt and stamped towards the staircase heading down into the basement.

Mollie followed skipping to keep up with the doctor's long stride. "What would anybody steal from here?" she asked giving wide berth to the coal fireplace that provided some coziness to the cramped quarters but was unbearably hot close to.

"Aside from much valuable equipment and exotic curiosities this place is wealthy in knowledge and secrets Mollie. I know many who would dearly love to abscond with all three." Dr. Brown replied trudging carefully down into the basement. "Now let us see how you've gotten on with your tasks."

The basement was cool and felt damp though there was no mildew to be seen. The doctor placed the package down onto a cluttered work bench, lit the great kerosene lamp above it, and turned to survey the multitude of glass containers that populated one side of the room. The basement was much larger than the rest of the floors of the building; most probably the remains of an older house the engineer Bazalgette had demolished as he built his great sewers.

"I sorted the jars as you asked, by colour." Mollie said as she reached the bottom of the stairs. "Red, black, yellow, and um, green."

"The humours that control the health of men" the doctor said as he rubbed his hands with satisfaction. "You have done very well Mollie, very well indeed."

He strode around the tables falling into his favourite mode of speech, the expository lecture.

"Red is blood, black is black bile, yellow is yellow bile, and green is phlegm. Too much of one or too less of another is the explanation and cause of every disease suffered by man." Hands clasped behind his back Dr.Brown reached the end of the room and spun around. "Bringing them back in balance is the art of the physician.

"Colour is the prime determinant of course, red foods increase the amount of blood, while dark liquid would increase the amount of black bile and so forth but it is not the only one." he continued as he stopped in front of a jar that contained what looked like dark mud and picked it up. "For example you may think peat is related to the black bile and indeed many of my contemporaries suffer this delusion. But the moist consistency and the observed fact that green plants grow better when peat is introduced in their soil places it incontravertably in the category of phlegm." Dr. Brown strode towards the green substances and placed the jar of peat among them.

"Aside from these few errors, which are to be expected from one untutored, you have performed better than I expected Mollie." he nodded towards the young girl. Mollie who had her own hands behind her back in imitation smiled happily. She had started to smile a lot more than she had in the orphanage from which the doctor had picked her up as an apprentice.

"What's in the parcel then, Doctor?" she asked.

Dr.Brown grinned and launched into an oratory much like the one he had subjected the shop keeper he had bought the package from.

****

"So why are you buying this then?" The shopkeeper asked as he finished wrapping the parcel.

Dr.Brown smiled "You know of the four humours that govern the health of men, yes?"

The shopkeeper shrugged which the doctor took as assent.

"And I trust I will not need to convince you that the health of men is in a sorry state indeed?"

The shopkeeper nodded.

"The question then is why, why are the humours imbalanced in such a large number of the populace." the doctor said as he threw out his arms to signify the enormity of the question, and then swung them behind his back as he continued. "The answer is that we are living incontravertably in the age of the black bile caused by perpetual autumn.

"Autumn is of course the season in which black bile is ascendant and the vast amounts of coal that is burned by our industry has cast the entire year into it. The black clouds give spring and summer the pallor of fall, and the heat of the furnaces does the same of the winter.

"The question then simply is, how do we repair the general health of the kingdom in this state of affairs? To bring the humours back in balance we could individually remove the black bile as we bleed to remove excess blood but would it not be simpler to increase the other humours?"

"Ahh" the shop keeper burst out as the doctor exulted in the dawning realization on the keeper's face "That's why you're buying all of this..."

****
"Sulphur." Dr Brown finished . "The good merchant seemed to think I would be making pills to increase yellow bile however and in this he was wrong. Ingestion of solids is only one possible method of delivering medicine. It is much better in my findings to utilize vapours. Now run along Mollie I have work to do."

As Mollie skipped up the stairs the doctor hefted the parcel up again and retreated to a small hatch in the corner of the basement that led even further into the earth. Emerging into a tunnel that was very cool and damp the doctor lugged his precious cargo towards the sound of rushing water at the mouth. By sheer happenstance he had found access to the sewers of London underneath his own door. His experiments in propagating scents throughout the city from here had been a success and now in a cauldron at the water's edge he heated the materials the had been gathering. Sulphur, quicksilver, peat and many other vaporous materials of the other three humours were mixed until the burning fumes made the doctor dizzy, clear evidence of their effectiveness. Then to counteract the effects of the black humour in the city of London he tipped the vaporous sludge into the rushing torrent of sewage.
 

Belfast

Member
ronito said:
Let's begin:

Besada: Some of the wording is uneven. One sentence will be very strong and the next not so much. Overall a very strong entry. Though it seems to come in and go out at the same pace.

GreatRumbler: Gotta be careful not to slip into cliche. I like the image the birds. I certainly wouldn't have reacted so calmly.

Zephyr: Lots of ramblin it can get confusing. Felt a touch too long for what it was. Love the tone though very nicely done. Some nice metaphors and images.

Belfast: I like the concept but I would've started closer to the action part. I have to admit that it was probably residual from Zephyr's but I was secretly hoping the dog would find a line of cocaine and snort it. But still it works really well.

Thanks for the kind words, ronito! I suppose I could have, but I was worried about making the story a little *too* short if I didn't pad it just a little bit. I know that it would be perfectly within the limits to do so, though.

Thanks to Cyan, as well, for the warm welcome. I'll admit that I've kept track of the last few threads and even attempted to write a few entries, but either through laziness or lack of confidence in the idea, I never finished anything. I know I can't be the only lurker out there with the same malaise.

I am hoping to join in on more in the future, because I really need to practice my prose. Writing is really my only marketable skill (BA in English -_-), but I'm still trying to find the discipline to finish anything on my own. In school, deadlines (with real consequences) always saw me through to the end of a paper.

And, really, making a living at this point should suffice, but I suppose I'm daunted by the fact that I don't have anything formally published, unless you count blogs and articles for low-mid tier gaming sites. But that's not fiction.
 
Anita waited by the window and sighed, her breath adding fog to the droplets of water streaming down the glass outside. She put her hand to the glass and wiped it away furtively using her sleeve. She brought her hands together close to her face as she now felt unnaturally cold.

She looked about behind her in the gloomy unlit room. In the corner, the covered piano sat silently, like the ghost of some deformed white lion from the depths of darkest Africa. It was completely still, but looked set to pounce at any moment give chase to the herd of leather chairs peacefully gathered around the small fountainous waterhole that on closer inspection became her mother's tea table on its soft blue rug. On the far wall stood a grandfather clock, watching the scene like one of the fierce Zulu tribesman her father liked to tell her stories about.

Clutching once again the candlestick at the windowsill like a weapon, Anita wondered if she should light it. No, she thought; I'll wait just a little bit longer. Besides, he'll be home soon enough, and it makes no sense to light it just now and waste a perfectly good candle. Her thoughts turned then to the scene outside.

It had been raining so long now, Anita couldn't now remember it being sunny. Emotions are like that, Anita reasoned, they had no memory; when you were sad you cannot ever remember being happy and when you're joyful, you cannot even fathom misery. Still, it wasn't the rain that bothered Anita so much. The sound of the myriad fat raindrops hitting the roof made a semi-rhythmic din that filled her ears and seemed to calm her. No. Anita was sick of the waiting.

She was waiting for him to finally come home. He had promised her 7 o'clock, but that hour had come and gone so long past that Anita didn't care to keep track of it. It didn't matter, anyway, since night had not yet fallen and he would be here soon. Well, unless of course, he was somehow caught in the storm. It could be that, you know, the bridge to Hamilton does often get flooded when it rains like this and he might have decided to take the long way around. Perhaps he has taken shelter somewhere and is waiting out the storm.

Perhaps he is injured. The thought made Anita shudder. No, no. Mustn't even think that way or I'll bring calamity down upon us both. She smiled a little. Her father had often chided her for being superstitious, always carrying lucky charms and taking exaggerated care with her silver hand mirrors. She, however, often felt that she couldn't help it and secretly believed that after all, even if it is just poppycock like father claims, it can't do me any harm. Yes, that's it, thought Anita proudly; I’m not being irrational at all. I'm just being cautious.

He is taking an awfully long time though, thought Anita. She briefly thought of going to her room and climbing into bed, but quickly put the thought out of her mind. Anita was a headstrong girl, ever so fond of her adventurous and boisterous father. His stories of the campaigns in Africa were something she looked forward to now every night before going to sleep. She hadn’t missed one yet and wasn’t about to start tonight.

Ever since he came home from them, it had become a tradition for him to tell her some fantastic tale of brave, stout-hearted, red-coated soldiers doing battle against the Zulu hordes in their white feathers. She loved the stories of the lithe black men roaming naked and loose on the veldt, like painted escapees from the Garden of Eden and shuddered in fear as her father told her of their strange language and odder customs. The stories her father told of these fearsome shadowy hobgoblins who weren’t allowed to marry until they had killed a man in battle and who could run all day without ever getting tired at once horrified and fascinated her. Anita’s mother disapproved of course, saying that such stories were not for the ears of a young lady, but her father, ruddy and oblivious to such stern reprimands would laugh it off and say it was all in good fun.

The wind began to pick up now, whistling and pushing the trees in the front garden this way and that. At one point, it seemed to Anita that the wind, frustrated that it couldn’t uproot the ancient oaks and furious at its own impotence began howling like a wild animal, rattling the window and trying with all its might to push the house over. It was to no avail, of course. The house had stood now for over two centuries and wasn’t about to surrender to this upstart zephyr any time soon.

Still, Anita was getting worried. Her father was still out in the storm somewhere, possibly cold, wet or worse – asleep in some inn somewhere. Much to Anita’s chagrin, her lower lip stuck itself out involuntarily into a pout. Her mother had warned her not to make that face and to maintain her expression with serene poise, like a smiling statue. Apparently, making any other kind of face was liable to give you wrinkles, a dreadful condition which often precluded old maids of twenty one or older from finding a good husband.

Her mother was terribly preoccupied with the notion that Anita marries well. Anita, of course, didn’t really care. After all, she was only twelve years old. She had at least another year or so before she would even have to think about such things and besides, you only ever met boys of the right age at dreadfully boring tea parties or at dance parties. Anita loved to dance, and couldn’t stand the boys with whom she had danced thus far. They had two left feet, every last one, she thought; well, both of the ones I’ve danced with, at the very least.

She began to grow tired of her wait for the seemingly endless storm to end, at which point she heard a noise coming from behind her. It was faint at first, like the sound of her hair brushing past one of her ears, but grew into a very audible scrape as though the piano’s stool were being pulled out from its place beneath the sleeping lion.

She turned around and saw that the piano was no longer covered, its cover lying on the floor like a dressing gown discarded before a bath. She peered into the gloom and saw that the key cover had been lifted and to her horror, the piano began to make noise. It was random and tuneless, without any sense of melody at all.

Anita stood frozen at the horror of it all. Of course, she had heard of specters who roamed the halls at night, the most famous of these being Old Nell, a boggart who purportedly haunted the cellars and was responsible for milk brought down there turning sour and bottles of wine being turned over. She was more or less regarded as a part of the furniture down there.

The girl snapped out of it and simply watched and listened as the piano beat out a melody she had never before heard. It was lively and rather simple, but the effect was something entirely different from the music she had been taught and despite the fear, she couldn’t help but liking it. It was soon accompanied by a voice, no more than a whisper at first, but soon as tangible and real as the notes being rudely beaten out of the piano in the corner.

She didn’t quite understand the voice, obscured as it was by a strange accent, but she did manage to snatch a bit of meaning from it:

… work all day to get you money to buy you things
And it’s worth it just to hear you say you’re going to give me everything
So why on earth should I moan
O‘course when I get you alone
You know I feel oakey.....

The song began its nonsensical chorus now and its strange lyrics about coming home and sleeping with dogs made no sense to Anita. She didn’t care now, however and regained her nerve. She grabbed the candle, screamed and bolted for the door, closing it behind her. As she did so, the music ceased abruptly, and a sound came from the room like the piano stool being knocked over as though someone got up from the piano in a hurry.

Anita ignored this and headed for her door. Opening it, she ran inside, closed it behind her, locked the door and dove into her bed and under the covers. Her house was haunted. She lit her candle, put it on the bedside table and hid under the covers. She would wait until her father came home. He would know what to do.
 

Cyan

Banned
Finished mine up pretty late last night--just have to edit a bit. I'm paying for it this morning at work, though...

Thanks to Cyan, as well, for the warm welcome. I'll admit that I've kept track of the last few threads and even attempted to write a few entries, but either through laziness or lack of confidence in the idea, I never finished anything. I know I can't be the only lurker out there with the same malaise.
Well, if there are any other folks out there thinking of writing something, I say go for it! It's good for you to not only have regular practice, but to put your work in front of a (reasonably sympathetic) audience. And it's good for the writing challenges to get a wide variety of writers and styles. Win-win.
 
I got about halfway through mine last night, and the left arm started going numb again. That's two days in a row that it's done that, but didn't last long this time. Anyway, copied the file to my flash drive(Final got one), so that I could put some effort into it at work, only to find out that nothing but Open Office reads open Office.

Looks like I'm going to be racing in those final four hours tonight.
 

Cyan

Banned
crowphoenix said:
I got about halfway through mine last night, and the left arm started going numb again. That's two days in a row that it's done that, but didn't last long this time. Anyway, copied the file to my flash drive(Final got one), so that I could put some effort into it at work, only to find out that nothing but Open Office reads open Office.

Looks like I'm going to be racing in those final four hours tonight.
If you use Google Docs, you should be able to upload to that from an Open Office file. At least, I think you can.

Edit:
Um, wait. What's up with your arm? That doesn't sound too good.
 
Cyan said:
If you use Google Docs, you should be able to upload to that from an Open Office file. At least, I think you can.

Awesome. You're a life saver, man.
Edit:
Um, wait. What's up with your arm? That doesn't sound too good.

No, clue. I clipped the elbow with punch a few years back (Karate Kata. Nothing cool), which did something, causing the arm to go numb. Occasionally that flares up if I rotate the arm away from me and across something, so I'm hoping that's what it is. Regardless, I plan to talk to someone about it again.
 

Cyan

Banned
No prob, dude.

All right fence-sitters and last-minuters! Less than half a day left until the challenge closes (11 hours, to be precise). Hop to it!
 

ronito

Member
Azih: My it's rainy in GAF town. I don't know if it was effective to have the Dr explain about the humors. I know why you did it, but I think it might've been better through the narrator as it is it sorta cuts into your action this would've cut out Mollie all together that I felt existed only as a vehicle for explanation. I like the concept and it ties well with the theme.

Vicious: Here comes the rain again. Falling on my head like a memory. Some of the metaphors didn't work for me/felt forced. Editing would've helped as well for example, while the first three paragraphs had some nice images (I loved the part about emotions and memory, really great) you really could've cut them out completely and not affected the story at all. Theses sort of things really weighed down your pacing.
 

Cyan

Banned
Breeze (1095)

A breath of air whispered past the mosque and across the market square; wended between nattering locals and haggling foreigners, garish stalls and drab people; wafted over a pair of soldiers in full gear.

Toms bent back his head to let the wind touch his sweaty neck. It was tantalizing--just enough of a breeze to cool him for a moment, just enough to make him miss it the moment it vanished. The wind blew hot in Baghdad, usually. Came in off the desert; carried a portion of that infernal heat with it.

"Toms? Toms, you listening?" Ben poked him in the ribs.

"Yeah man, I'm listening." And he was. Sort of. It was just that he'd already heard this story half a dozen times in the last three days.

"Ok, so I'm looking at this woman across the square, right? She's wearing one of those big hijaby things. You know, where you keep wondering what kind of body they got under it, right?" Ben gave him another poke in the ribs for emphasis.

"Right," said Toms. Damn but he was tired.

"So I'm looking at her, and she kind of turns her head slowly, and we make eye contact. Just for a second. And then..." He trailed off, and looked expectantly at Toms.

Toms sighed, but it wouldn't kill him to humor the guy. "Then what?"

"Boom! She exploded. Suicide bomber, right? She was all wired up under the hijab. Blood everywhere. And dead bodies."

"Huh. That's some crazy shit, man." Toms looked hopefully toward the mosque, but there was no sign of a breeze. Banners, signs, and flags all remained stubbornly still.

"I know, right? I was just far enough from the blast to not get a Purple Heart."

"You don't want a Purple Heart, man. Purple Heart means you screwed up. Not worth it." Toms shook his head, forcing himself not to remember Blake. Definitely not worth it. Screw medals; the goal was to get out alive.

Ben froze, staring across the square.

Toms came instantly alert; back straight, eyes front, weapon at the ready. "What is it, man? You see something?"

Ben's voice was hoarse; taut. "That's her."

"That's--what? Who?"

Ben's finger came up, shaking slightly, pointing at a stall a good hundred feet away. "Her. That woman. It's her. That's the suicide bomber."

A thrill ran down Toms' back--had Ben lost it? "Hey man, you know that's not true." He licked his lips. "Can't be her, she's dead." He placed a hand on Ben's shoulder.

Ben shoved his arm away, hard, and Toms fell backward. "Hey!" Ben shouted. His voice was shrill and raw. "Hey you!"

Toms was just pushing himself to his feet when Ben pulled his weapon.

People who had looked over to see what the shouting was for now turned to run. Ben moved his gun to firing position, and sighted.

Toms didn't have time to think; he just reacted. He launched himself at Ben, tackled him around the knees, and pulled him down. The gun went off as Ben fell, but Toms couldn't have said if it hit anything.

Toms pushed away from Ben. He had never felt less in control of a situation. "What the hell is wrong with you?" His voice shook, and he paused for breath.

Ben pushed up to his knees and slammed a fist into Toms' face.

Toms' head snapped back, and his vision went blurry. He scrambled backward, away from Ben, holding up one arm to shield his face. Blood trickled down one cheek. He was pretty sure his nose was broken.

His vision cleared just in time to see Ben's fist coming at him again. Without surprise, his training and instincts were enough; he fell back out of Ben's range and let the punch whistle over him, then rolled back and leapt to his feet. Ben telegraphed his next swing, and Toms ducked under it, got inside Ben's guard, and nailed him with a right hook to the jaw. Ben fell like a rag doll.

Breathing heavily, Toms put his hands on his knees. Two drops of blood fell from his chin. "All right." He felt at his nose. He had been right, it was broken. "You want to tell me what the hell that was about?" He felt remarkably calm, almost tranquil. Fighting had always had that effect on him.

Ben didn't seem to have heard. He shook off his daze, rolled over, and kicked Toms in the kneecap, hard. This time it was Toms who went down, and now they were grappling, pushing and rolling and hitting their heads on the ground, and Ben had Toms by the throat and Toms headbutted him in the face and Ben just choked him even tighter, and Toms was blacking out and he couldn't breathe, and he fumbled for his sidearm and flipped off the safety, and breath and light returned, but they were struggling over the gun now, Toms unwilling to shoot and Ben unable to get the gun away from him, and then his grip slipped and Ben grabbed and there was a loud noise and a sudden pain and--.

Toms lay on his back in the middle of the square. Everything seemed brighter than normal.

Ben scrambled to his feet, looked at him, recoiled. "Shit." His voice echoed oddly, as though coming from far away. "I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. It was just--you stopped me. I could've--I didn't mean to. Shit." His hands shook as he raised them to his face.

A bright red stain spread from Toms' middle. He was very cold. He tried to speak, but coughed instead; blood trickled from his mouth. That was all right, he couldn't remember what he had wanted to say.

Ben stared at Toms, breathing hard and rocking backward and forward on his heels. "I didn't mean--I'll go get help. I'll get you help, bro. You just stay right here. Stay right--ha! I'll be right back." He backed away a step, then turned and ran.

Toms wondered vaguely whether he would ever see him again. It really was very cold. Almost a nice change after the earlier heat. He tried to move his legs, found he couldn't, and then found that he didn't much want to move them anyway.

The sky pulsed red and blue. Engines roared in his ears, then faded. So cold.

It looked like he might get that damn Purple Heart after all. Or did that count, friendly fire? Damn... Purple Heart. Not worth it.

A hint of a breeze played across his face.
 

RurouniZel

Asks questions so Ezalc doesn't have to
NSFW

"An Ill Wind Blows So Good"
World Count: 1234

“And thar she blows!”

Bill did what could only be called a “facepalm”, a rather loud one at that. That had to be the worst pun he’d heard out of the director’s mouth all day. Not that Bill was much better, as he was the one being blown on camera.

His guilt trip had begun well before his arrival; he knew he could no longer consider a future in “real” acting. Sure he was hard up for cash, just like every other up and coming dreamer, but none of them had been desperate enough to sign on as the lead cock for “An Ill Wind Blows So Good”. Regret sank in immediately when he stepped on the set.

“What am I doing? Am I actually going to go through with this? What’ll I tell my mother!” Actually scratch that last question; he’d rather slowly drown in a pool of acid than let her find out. Or anyone else for that matter, really.

“Hey Bill, yer late! Git in ‘here and git nakkid!” the director told him upon his arrival. He’d told Bill his name several times, but his gawky Hawaiian t-shirt and sunglasses kept distracting him from anything he might have said. And frankly, considering how round he was… Bill felt there should be laws that state what people can and can’t wear in front of others.

“You’re only here for the money, you’re only here for the money,” his inner monologue insistently reminded him as he cast his own dignity to a nearby chair. “This may be how God made me, but I’m pretty sure video cameras hadn’t been invented yet,” he sighed, putting on a nearby bathrobe.

He saw there were only a couple of other people; an impish older man with a camera and a rather pale woman holding a pole (with a microphone attached to the end of said pole). Sitting on the couch of the set was a rather luscious young woman who looked Bill’s age. She had beautiful, wavy blonde hair resting ever so comfortably on her shoulders, light violet eye shadow that complimented her peach skin, and wore a tank top (no bra), jeans mini-skirt and white spring sandals with a dandelion bloom over the toes. My God were those breasts large (and not fake!). Well, if his career was going to be completely fucked, at least it was a bombshell who was doing the fucking over.

“Kathy, our actor’s arrived so we can get started!” the director called. Kathy, who had been putting some final touches to her cheeks, looked up and gazed upon Bill curiously. What followed came straight out of “Romantic Comedies for Dummies”. She disappeared from the couch and magically reappeared right in front of him, her face shocked, but not in a terrified way.

“Oh my GOD!! Bill?? I can’t believe it’s you!!” she exclaimed! Bill was as shocked as anyone. Kathy? Her? Well he did remember her tits being huge but-

“This is AMAZING! I had the biggest crush on you in high school!” she cheered, beaming from ear to ear! “Oh wow! This is like a dream come true!” She grabbed his face and kissed both his cheeks! “I’ll show you to the dressing room!” she insisted, grabbing his arm and leading him toward the back.

Bill was surprised, but not just because he’d run into an old friend. “She had a crush on me? ME? God, why didn’t you TELL me! I’d have hit that in half a minute if you’d have clued me in on that!” Bill’s brain screamed. That and, what happened to her? She was the smartest girl in the class! Straight As, athletic, damn near valedictorian! After all that, a porn star? Something just wasn’t adding up. She sat him down in a chair, grabbed a make up kit, and started doing his face. She hummed a little tune and looked like a little girl the day before Christmas as her melons pressed against the back of his head. Bill tried, but failed miserably, to hide his blushing.

“I have to say, I’m surprised,” Bill began, searching for the right words.

“That I do porn? Yeah, I get that all the time,” she said. “But I couldn’t afford college, ‘cause my stupid parents decided to divorce, and neither one of them could help me get a loan large enough for the school I really want. I couldn’t get one on my own either, ‘cause their paperwork indicated that I had two parents who make good income. I hate how those stupid bureaucratic government loans never take circumstances into account. I mean, it’s not that I couldn’t go to a state school, but I have my heart set on Yale. But then I realized ‘You know what? I’m really hot and have huge tits! And porn pays better than any other entry level position out there!’ So I simply took the most efficient course of action to get the most money in the shortest time span. I’ve been at it for a while, saving up. Another ten movies or so and I’ve got money I need for any school I want!” she explained, smiling.

“Yep, same logical brain,” Bill thought, remembering how math was her favorite subject. But at the same time, he was still amazed.

“So… what brings you to this neck of the woods?” Kathy asked. “I remember you being quite the actor in school, but not the type for this line of work. N-Not that I mind at ALL!” she hastily clarified.

Bill sighed slightly. “Same reason I suppose. I was starving, would lose my apartment next month without this gig, and the little demons told me that my stupid pride wasn’t worth starving to death on a cold sidewalk for,” he answered.

“Exactly! I always knew you were smart!” she answered. “And besides, our bodies are built with this exact purpose in mind, so it’s not unnatural or anything!”

Wait, porn is natural?

“Sex is natural, silly boy! Oh and don’t worry, I’ll be nice – and – gentle with you!” she said, kissing the top of his head. “Okay, we’re set, let’s go!”

Now, I’m sure you’d LOVE for me to go into the intimate details of “An Ill Will Blows So Good,” describing each camera shot of hot erotic action, but I’d like to keep this Rated R. I’m sure you’ve seen porn before, just imagine one of those lovely movies and insert what you imagine to be these characters into the scenario, and you’ve basically got it.

“And CUT! Lovely, just lovely! You’re a natural Bill, ever consider a career?” the director praised. Bill was too busy gasping, his face redder than a ripe tomato. He didn’t answer, and thankfully it seemed the director hadn’t expected one. “Alright everyone, that’s a rap! Pack it up!” And that was it for “An Ill Wind Blows So Good”, the best damn decision Bill had ever made. He looked to down and saw Kathy’s head resting on his left leg, his genetic code wrecking the make up she had put on so meticulously.

“This… is the best… day of my life,” she breathed. Bill had to admit, it had been incredible for him as well; just her breath had bought Jr. back up and at ‘im! Kathy glowed at Bill and raised herself to whisper into his ear.

“I’m single, just so you know.”
 

ronito

Member
You know, I've brought up here before about how I read with a highlighter and highlight the good bits. I've been reading Hyperion and suddenly realized that I should also highlight the bad parts. Hyperion is very creative but how the Brawne character falls apart from a strong woman to cliched blithering helpless dorothy the moment she gets involved with a main character is a textbook example of what not to do.

Also last few hours gents.
 

Cyan

Banned
crowphoenix said:
Ronito, your new avatar makes me question my sanity. It's only just slightly different from the old one. :D
Huh. I don't know that I would've even noticed, if you hadn't mentioned it. :O
 

Link Man

Banned
Sorry, not going to make it this time. Had too much going on, what with getting a new phone and all. Plus, I wasn't really feeling the theme for some reason. However, I look forward to the next challenge, and will hopefully have something to submit for it.
 

ronito

Member
crowphoenix said:
Ronito, your new avatar makes me question my sanity. It's only just slightly different from the old one. :D
Servizio PMed me saying my old distended avatar drove him batty. So thank him.
 

Sibylus

Banned
Prosper (1,600 words)

Wednesday, 4:28 PM
Poland

Gil Provost stepped hurriedly through the rain in a mostly futile Endeavour to remain dry. Water beaded in his black hair and overcoat. Streams of water filled and emptied his pockets; his hands clasped at his collar and pulled upward toward his face. He rounded a corner and jumped a flooding drain. A brooding Gothic construction rose before him. He hopped up into an aged stone archway set in the esteemed stonework frame. This had been a church in past centuries, now it was the home of one of Provost’s oldest friends. His name was Matthias Unger. He was getting on in years, but that was typical of a veteran of the Second World War. Once the war ended, he involved himself into mercenary work. He was one of the first to become involved in paranormal contracts, eventually passing his work on to Provost, still a young man but unusually destructive and combative at the drop of a hat. Society had locked him away with the other dangerous elements. Neither the imprisonment nor the lesson lasted.

Unger’s face lit up when the chimes toned and Gil entered the room. “Ah! It’s not often that I see you visiting Breslau, my friend!” Unger said with enthusiasm. Gil smiled and shook his hand vigorously. The old vet’s hands didn’t betray any frailty; he was still in excellent shape.

“Oh? I hear they call it something else these days,” Gil playfully replied.

“Pah. If you live here as long as I have, it doesn’t matter what they call it. As far as I’m concerned this is still a little slice of Germany.” He shuffled over to a table at the center of the room, placing dirty dishes onto each other and clearing room for two glasses.

The smile across Gil’s face melted as he remembered the purpose of his errand. “I need some help, Mat.”

“There’s always time for some talk and drinks. Find a chair and let’s talk, serious matters can come later.”

Slowing down in this moment was not problematic, as Gil Provost always loved a good story. The job was never done until he could recall all the significant events into a coherent narrative, a yarn to tell his victim after the dagger-stroke. These stories also made for good conversation amongst trusted company, as it was now. He related the tale of Jacob Prosper’s assassination, of his gloat and of the old and weary politician’s exasperated outbursts.

Unger brooded for a moment before speaking, “So you taunted him?”

“Just like any of my other kills,” Provost casually replied as he downed a gulp of alcohol from his chilled glass. He shook it, quietly spinning the ice cubes around in haphazard orbits.

“He isn’t like any of your other kills, boy,” Unger said with sudden seriousness. “Jacob Prosper was important. He had friends everywhere, still does. I wouldn’t doubt for a minute that he has the influence to strike back against you from beyond the grave.”

Gil nodded. “Exactly. He was the biggest target I’ve ever gone after, and now I have to sort out the loose ends. I need your help.”

The elderly vet brushed aside the request effortlessly. “I’m retired.”

Gil half-chuckled to himself and said, “Oh, not that kind of help. I know you’re past all that now.” He shifted in his chair before continuing. “What I need are names of all of Prosper’s major contacts and supporters. His entire social network must be intact, but I’m not a politician nor do I read enough to know what kind of people he surrounded himself with.”

“So what are your intentions?” Unger asked.

“Elimination. All of them,” Gil answered. “I’m too far deep into Prosper’s politics to even think about returning to something of a normal life, not while he can still pull the strings on his political juggernaut.”

Unger nodded and sighed. “Prosper became as popular as he did first by building a platform favorable to the business and industry types. The industrialists were especially important to him, he lobbied on their behalf and they provided him with all the pressure and support they could muster. Start with the biggest industrialist supporter he had among them, Gabriel Dodd.”

Thursday, 9:47 AM
Office of Gabriel E. Dodd, Glasgow, Scotland

Dodd was sitting in a chair at his large desk, which was set in the middle of a large room flanked by ceiling to floor windows. The floor was suffocated in expensive and stuffy carpets. An extravagant marble figure of a striding man with hammer-in-hand stood behind Dodd, a constant reminder of his mission and the corporation’s purpose. Dodd Enterprises had been a force in European economics for generations, supplying cheap vehicles and parts to many, if not all sides of both World Wars.

In front of Dodd was a thin stack of documents, containing a list of corporations and pertinent facts and figures. All of them were potential Dodd Enterprises acquisitions. The company had swallowed twenty-seven small businesses in the past 6 months alone; it was looking to harden its presence in small settlements. It could afford to ignore such markets, but Gabriel Dodd knew that even small markets would eventually become large markets. By establishing their presence early on, Dodd Enterprises were looking to make themselves a cornerstone for small, growing economies. An empire isn’t built overnight.

The phone on his desk rang, pulling the businessman away from his papers. He reached for it and melted into the curve of his chair. The voice from the other end began talking.

“What? On whose authority?” he replied to the speaker. His expression grew increasingly perplexed.

“Summit Technology? Jacob’s old firm? You have to be joking,” he said. He didn’t like where the conversation was going.

“Look, that’s still my property, and as far as I’m concerned, they’re trespassers. I don’t care if Prosper was an old friend, he’s dead and his company is crossing the line,” he spat angrily.

“Speak to me in person? Fine, if that’s what it’ll take to get you jackasses off my land in the next thirty minutes,” he said bitterly. He slammed the phone down and growled. He could call the police, but they wouldn’t solve this in any timely fashion. There weren’t any other matters pressing and he had a lunch break. Talking with these clowns would be the quickest solution.

Thursday, 10:06 AM
Glasgow, Scotland

Provost had heard the entire call and was moving. He lightly reflected on how easy it was to get bugs into a building with a simple delivery of flowers. “Maybe I should have just crammed some plastic explosive into the pot,” he thought to himself. “No, no time, would have probably been noticed,” he rebutted.

He had installed bugs onto all of the vehicles housed at the Dodd Enterprises building. Not for navigation, as he knew where this contested property was, but rather for contingencies: he had no idea if Dodd would be unpredictable and fly off at the last moment.

He was sitting in his car halfway between the site and the headquarters, prepped for any detour. Gabriel Dodd was quick to act; it only took him ten minutes to get from his office to the car. Provost made an inner remark regarding the oddity of Dodd’s willingness to do everything in person. That handed Gil an enormous advantage.

A Dodd company car passed through the city streets, Prosper’s own followed closely.

10:18 AM

Gabriel Dodd slowed, willing his car into a parking space. Two representatives of Summit Technology were waiting. Dodd slid out from his seat, still furious.

“Alright, I’m here. Now tell me what the hell you’re doing here! Building a circus?” Dodd snapped. The two men glanced at each briefly, restraining untimely counter-statements.

“If you would follow us, sir, we have a room set up in the building over there,” the man said and pointed.

Dodd was not pleased. “Oh, you helped yourselves to my building too! I suppose you broke the locks?” The men motioned and he followed, cursing under his breath.

11:00 AM

Provost waited on the low-lying roof of a local building, scoped rifle mounted securely. Dodd was nowhere to be seen.

12:00 PM

“Two hours, what could possibly be keeping them for two hours,” Provost muttered into the wind. The breeze was picking up, chilling the air and increasing the chances of being detected drastically. He knew that this little side-trip would all be worth it once Dodd walked back out into his view.

12:13 PM

Dodd stumbled out of the building’s doors coughing. His heartbeat felt irregular to him, his chest dragged heavier and he breathed with a wheeze. “Why would they attack me?” he asked no-one in particular. “Disgruntled workers?” He coughed roughly as he stumbled back to his car. “No matter, they’ll suffer for it. The courts will see to it.”

12:14 PM

Provost fired. The bullet coursed against the wind and sped to its target. Dodd slumped over in his seat, the keys in his hand slipped to the floor. The stitches along his chest stretched to bursting, the bullet forcing blood out. Gabriel E. Dodd’s heart stopped, activating the kill-switch. A deposit of powerful explosives in his chest cavity exploded.

Gil Provost recoiled from the scope, the show of lights and sound snapping him into panic. A shockwave reached up to his rooftop and tossed him down upon the jagged debris. The light bled from his eyes and he perceived the distant and hellish laughter of a decrepit politician. With a failing gasp he sputtered, “Prosper”.
 

Sibylus

Banned
Don't know about this one. Beginning was kinda thicker than the end, probably should have saved more of my words for a better finish. Oh well, I think it's a good starting place for continued stories with the character (Already have some ideas).
 

weepy

Member
I told Ryan it was a bad idea. I told him not to do it but he did anyway. But just looking at the aftermath made me wish I’d stopped him. There he laid a crumpled heap upon the asphalt, his skateboard…or what’s left of it anyways seen several feet away. I watched him, expecting him to pop up like Wile E. Coyote and announce he’s O.K. I waited in what seemed like deafening silence looking at the still figure. Apparently, he’s no Loony Toon.

The sound of laughter brought me back to reality.

“I knew you couldn’t do it,” Lem shouted gleefully as he trotted over to where Ryan laid. Sam and Lewis were in stitches. Their overdrawn guffaws had them holding each other for support.

“C’mon, man. Quit playin’ and get up,” Lem said swiftly kicking Ryan in the butt causing the other two to laugh harder. Ryan was still.

“I think he might be hurt,” I somehow managed. My mouth was like cotton.

Lem rolled his eyes and nudged Ryan with his foot. Still no movement.

A giggling Lewis started taking pictures of him with his phone.

“I think he’s out, man,” he said. He put his phone in his pocket and turned to me. “Did you get that on tape?”

I was in shock. I completely forgot I had the camera trained on Ryan the whole time.
“I…I don’t know,” I said. I didn’t want to check the tape to see either. The way he fell off the pole…

“What do you mean you don’t know,” Lem said. He came over to me and snatched the camera from my hands. I swallowed. My throat felt so tight I thought I would choke on my spit.

“Hey guys, I think he’s hurt bad,” Sam said.

I looked to see Sam had pushed Ryan over on his back. Ryan’s face was bloodied and bruised. His eye was swollen and his lip busted. I ran over to him and knelt beside Ryan. I leaned forward to see his one good eye looking at me. His mouth opened into what looked like a grin but resembled a grimace revealing shards of what were his front teeth.

“Did I make it,” he asked sheepishly.
 

DumbNameD

Member
Poo! Was cutting. Not sure the story even works. Here it is anyway. Untitled and around 1600 words after a couple hundred sliced out.
--------------------

“Mr. Rabb—“

Katie stopped at the clearing. She held down her bonnet, not much more than a handkerchief over her ginger hair, as a gust of wind howled between the trees. Joining her freckles, goosebumps sprinkled across her tiny arms. Though her flowery cotton dress twirled around her in unison to the crackling yellowing leaves, she tried to stay as still as possible, as if she had been petrified during freeze tag.

The fox looked up. A strip of rabbit tendon hung from the fox’s black-tipped snout. Its bloodstained mouth gobbled it down. The white fur around its mouth, under its cheeks, and down its front belly frilled in waves as its black front paws stepped over and shielded the rent rabbit corpse.

“Was this yours?” asked the fox, baring its thorn-like teeth.

Katie shook her head. Her lips twitched. She took a step back as another gust caused her to shiver and hug herself. The fox’s red fur bristled like pine needles. Its pointy ears peaked.

“An ill wind comes. Frost soon,” said the fox. The animal looked the girl over. “What brings you to these woods?”

Katie pursed her lips. She considered whether she should tell the creature that she and her stepbrother entered the woods in search of a particular tree.

“Wishing tree, huh?” said the fox. It hissed.

“How’d, how’d you know?”

“I’ve seen many travelers come through,” said the fox. Its bushy tail waved in the air. The last one it remembered had fired a rifle at it. “But most don’t leave. That tree is cursed.”

“Cursed?”

The fox seemed to nod. “You’re still a pup, aren’t you?”

“I guess,” she replied.

“My kits have grown. I miss them,” said the fox. Its voice wavered.

“They’re gone?”

“Yes, they have their own lives wherever they may be,” said the fox.

“Maybe you’ll see them again,” said the girl. She remembered the neighbor’s dog having grown in no time from a puppy to almost as tall as her. She missed being able to carry it around like it was a baby.

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, I hope they’re doing well,” said Katie. She offered a smile, something that always cheered her father. Your mother wants to see you smile, he had told her just yesterday. She rubbed her cheek; she had never smiled so much as yesterday.

“You do?” Though the fox’s wide mouth always seemed to be in a smile, it became wider.

“Katie!” The seventeen-year-old boy in a plaid shirt and canvas pants grabbed the girl’s shoulder as he stepped into the clearing. “Christ! Don’t run off like a goddamn hunting dog and chase after every fool critter.”

Katie faced her stepbrother John. Her father had married John’s mother. Soon after, John went off to become a butcher’s apprentice. He always had the hope of joining the army until an accident with the cleaver left him without his first two right fingers.

She turned back to the clearing but both the fox and the rabbit were gone. John placed his arm around her and corralled her along.

John led, always ahead as his strides didn’t wait for her. Even though he told her that he knew where they were going, she looked at all the trees and wondered if any of them were the tree. They had started when the sun was high up, and now it was down toward the horizon. Coming to a stream, they stopped to drink.

Katie sighed at her thirst’s relief and splashed her hands into the stream letting them soak in the coolness. She picked off the burrs clinging to her socks and frowned as her big toe poked through the hole that had worn through her right shoe some time ago.

“Ready?” asked John.

Katie adjusted her socks and then placed her hands on her hips as her head remained drooped. She didn’t want to look up. She thought if she did, she would look at John and cry.

“Tired?”

Katie heaved a deep breath.

John knelt to one knee, his backside to her. One arm went around his neck, and then the other. John grunted and staggered a bit as he rose, carrying the girl on his back. “We’re almost there.”

“Will we be back soon?” asked Katie. Filtered sunlight and leafy shadows strobed across her eyes and mesmerized her as they continued onward. “I wanna see Mom.”

“Your dad’s looking after my mom,” said John. “The doctor’ll check up on her too.”

John waited for a reply, but she had fallen asleep.

When Katie woke, she sat up. A few feet from her, John sat with his back to her. She thought he looked like an imp as he huddled with a stone in each hand. Each time he struck the left stone against the right one, the stone he tried to hold in the hand missing two fingers would escape from his grasp, and no sparks would come. As he cursed, Katie heard a bush rustling.

Past the bush sat the fox, but in its mouth this time was a foot-long branch with orange embers on one end. The fox strolled to the girl and laid the branch on the ground in front of her. In the moment Katie looked down at the item, the fox disappeared. She took the branch, and the orange sizzled before bursting into flames.

When Katie offered the torch to John, he stared at her before kicked the stones. He grabbed the torch before waving it around and scanning the trees with its light. He frowned and mumbled something to himself. “Let’s go.” His three-fingered hand grabbed at her dress and pulled her along.

It wasn’t long till they reached the big, gnarling tree sitting on a haystack-sized knoll. Its trunk seemed to be many trunks coiled tightly into one mass. Roots, thick like squid tendrils, protruded from the hillside. Its branches, covered in vibrant green leaves, were crooked and entangled like bramble.

From the torchlight, they looked around. It was the lone tree. Dirt surrounded it with only some patches of yellow grass near them. They heard neither crickets nor owl hoots that had accompanied them until then. Instead the air was filled something like the amplified creaking of floorboards. As they walked forward, the ground felt spongy, like walking on the mud in the shallows of a river.

“Hello?” said John. His voice sounded weak. He looked at Katie standing next to him before clearing his throat. “Hello, I’ve come to make a wish.”

The creaking grew louder. Katie thought it sounded like the lowing of an angry cow.

“Make your wish.” The voice came out of nowhere. The winds kicked up and twirled the torch flame. At times, the fire almost died yet embers still remained.

“We—“ began Katie.

“Shush!” John pushed her aside, and she fell into the dirt. “I want to be rich! I want to be able to take care of my mom. I don’t want to cut up any more animals and smell like death all the time.”

“Very well,” replied the voice. The ground squirmed as if snakes were crawling just under the dirt. The tree roots on the hillside parted, and the dirt sloshed off to reveal a dark cave in the knoll. “The greater the sacrifice, the greater the reward.”

John looked at his stepsister. He knelt over her. “I’m sorry I pushed you, Katie. I’m just worried about my mom.” He offered her his hand.

“I’m worried too. I want mom to get better too.” She took his hand.

“Then you have to go,” he said. “If you want to help her, you have to step into that cave. Mom will get better if you do.”

Katie stared at the cave. “I’m, I’m scared. I don’t want—“

“Come on! You spoiled brat!” The torch dropped to the ground as John grabbed her by the arm. His good hand grasped firm but his hand with missing fingers couldn’t find a grip as he tried to drag her. “Everything was fine until you and that man came along. Your dresses. Your dolls. Your bonnet for your head. This is what the money I send back home counts for.”

“You’re hurting—”

Katie pulled back from him. She fell when he let go. He pounced. He hand clamped around her neck and cut her shrieks. The dirt sprayed into the air as tree roots grabbed onto her and held her down.

A red blur shot across the field as a gust of wind blew. The torch fire ignited, and the flames spread like water down a hill. The creaking seemed to shout as the tree roots unclutched and returned to the earth. The fox’s teeth clamped onto John’s arm. He screamed and rolled back, crashing into a rock after he let go of Katie.

The flames licked and twisted. The fire encircled the girl. The fox looked at her.

“It’s your choice now,” said the fox.

“Mine?” Katie sat up.

“If you want to go into the cave, then you do so of your own free will.”

“Does it work?” she asked. Blood dripped from her bottom lip. She looked at her stepbrother. “What happens?”

“I don’t know.”

“Will I see my family again?” Katied sniffed. She felt tears welling as she pictured her father and mother.

“I hope you do.” The fox smiled.

Katie smiled back and nodded. “I want my family to be happy.” As the girl stepped into the cave, the fox leaped right after her as the roots closed back behind them both.
 
Besada - I loved the imagery in this one. Very slow and completative. Very Japanese. A little awkward at times (the company name wasn't needed, for instance), but a very compelling read.

The Great Rumbler - Some of the conversation felt forced, a bit like movie dialogue, if you get my meaning. Otherwise, pretty solid. I liked the old bloke.

Zephyr Fate - I loved this one, truly I did. The main character is petty and unforgiving and very real. I couldn't believe the main character as anything but a woman though, since a gay man would have the sense to give up on a married man.

Belfast - It was a little confusing to tell you the truth and I couldn't make out what exactly was going on. It's a good concept, but there's just too little information there.

Superfly - Very poetic imagery. The prose felt very rich. I didn't really catch very much story between the descriptions though.

Ward - Very much liked the story. It had great characterisation and didn't fall into a lot of the traps of time travel. I liked the ending, though I did see it coming.

Ronito - An after party to a conference? I felt the introduction of the characters and their motivations could have used fleshing out, but I really loved the speech. It felt like I was there with its tear jerker images and all. One thing though - I was a little taken out of the story because I find it hard to imagine how the Malaria pathogen (the blood parasite) could possibly be a "strain" or mutate to become airborne. Malarial symptoms don't work like that either. Maybe a longer-lived version of Ebola would have worked better?

Aaron - There was a typo somewhere: "four-smelling". Other than that, just a few consistency errors: why would the car rental guy refer to her as her full name? How is the note in her pocket at the end? Didn't she change clothes? Also, the reveal of the scheme at the end needn't have been done through dialogue as it smacks of Bond villain. I did love the concept of the nanobots and her trying to keep her body from falling apart. I got some good imagery out of it.

Azih - I liked this one. Medieval self-important quack trying to save the world is a character that's so unusual it's brilliant. I don't think Mollie was really needed at all - an internal monologue would have sufficed, I think and could have kept his sneering tone.

Cyan - This one was very solid, but somehow didn't grip me. I do have to ask though, what was the crowd doing while all this was going on? The dialogue, as always, was very real.

Rurouni Zel - I :lol'd at this one. I thought that Katie had the right attitude for her character's chosen profession, but her dialogue felt a little forced. Love blooms in the weirdest places, huh?

Botolf - I agree with your own assessment of this piece - you could have cut some of the beginning out and spent it on the end. Please don't feel insulted, but for some reason, this reminded me of "Left Behind". I think it was the name of the wealthy industrialist, Dodd.

crowphoenix - Very Star Trek. I liked the scenario and the character of the captain, though some of the dialogue didn't quite match what I'd expect of military characters. It's a common sci-fi convention though, so I won't fault you for it. Maybe if he were in charge of a smaller ship with a tighter-knit crew?

weepy - I like the dialogue in this one, but it was awfully short and I wasn't able to form a strong opinion on it, one way or the other.

--------------

Voting:

1) Zephyr Fate
2) Azih
3) Rurouni Zel

Honourable mention:

Besada
Ward
 

weepy

Member
viciouskillersquirrel said:
weepy - I like the dialogue in this one, but it was awfully short and I wasn't able to form a strong opinion on it, one way or the other.

funny you should mention that...It was intentionally suppose to be way longer than that but I got sidetracked and had to cut it short due to time constraints. My next story will be more complete ;)
 

Aaron

Member
viciouskillersquirrel said:
Aaron - There was a typo somewhere: "four-smelling". Other than that, just a few consistency errors: why would the car rental guy refer to her as her full name? How is the note in her pocket at the end? Didn't she change clothes? Also, the reveal of the scheme at the end needn't have been done through dialogue as it smacks of Bond villain. I did love the concept of the nanobots and her trying to keep her body from falling apart. I got some good imagery out of it.
Yeah, there's always a few grammar mistakes. Not going to polish too much for this. Takes too long. The name was on the stolen ID, but you're right about the note and changing clothes. Have to think of a way around that. The ending was a cop-out from exposition perspective. I could have woven the details from the speech into the story instead but I honestly didn't have the time.
 

Sibylus

Banned
viciouskillersquirrel said:
Botolf - I agree with your own assessment of this piece - you could have cut some of the beginning out and spent it on the end. Please don't feel insulted, but for some reason, this reminded me of "Left Behind". I think it was the name of the wealthy industrialist, Dodd.
Thanks for the criticism. No insult taken, I've actually read quite a few of the Left Behind books (all back when I was a Christian). That sort of supernatural/conspiratorial struggle concept still interests me in ways, I suppose.

Funnily enough, I actually wrote rip-off fiction when I was younger based off of the series. I think I called it "Rapture Force" and boy did it borrow. Same Rapture concept, Antichrist had the same hometown and same country, same Russian attack on Israel beginning it all, and if I recall correctly I stole several characters as well. The cover was a blue crayon earth with a yellow sun rising at the edge (I think I must have stolen that view from Superman or something). It was pretty terrible stuff, especially how I set up the Antichrist. "He went to all the finest language schools", ooh, you must know he's slick! I really should scan it up and provide some commentary on it, somebody on the internets is bound to find some humour in it.
 
viciouskillersquirrel said:
crowphoenix - Very Star Trek. I liked the scenario and the character of the captain, though some of the dialogue didn't quite match what I'd expect of military characters. It's a common sci-fi convention though, so I won't fault you for it. Maybe if he were in charge of a smaller ship with a tighter-knit crew?
I figured some stuff would be a little off. I've rarely written or read any sci-fi stories, so generally after every line I had to pause and ask if they would say it like that or if it was too cliche. Unfortunately, I wasn't well versed in the standard to determine either as well as I could, but writing it was fun.

Edit: and probably the most interesting idea for the piece, to me at least, wasn't able to make it in. Mostly because I couldn't figure out how to write it or make it fit.
 

Azih

Member
viciouskillersquirrel said:
Azih - I liked this one. Medieval self-important quack trying to save the world is a character that's so unusual it's brilliant. I don't think Mollie was really needed at all - an internal monologue would have sufficed, I think and could have kept his sneering tone.

Thanks much, as Ronito said as well an internal monologue or narration would have worked, in fact it would have made possible my initial conception of Dr Brown as a creepy recluse working in solitude. But I always wanted him to have a conversation with the shop keeper and the social skills required for that changed the character to a kooky eccentric with a penchant for exposition and his interaction with Mollie made him a bit different again. I like the way he ended up better than the more generic mad scientist I thought of initially.

It was fun writing this one, skimming over the best ideas of nineteenth century medial science was a goldmine for crafting the doctor's theories. :)
 

Cyan

Banned
besada - Nice, slow pacing, and then you drop a bomb. Very nicely done. There are a few hitches in the piece--for me, Tsutomu cursing his boss didn't feel right. And I was pretty sure I knew where it was going after the first paragraph. But I really like your style.

Great Rumbler - Interesting. Conveys the small-town feel nicely. Feels a bit like an intro to a longer work, though. For such a short story, it might have worked better to start with the flock of birds and go a little further forward.

ZephyrFate - Wow! Didn't see this one coming. I think this is my favorite thing you've written--it makes excellent use of your strengths. A few quibbles: the first paragraph is great stuff, but doesn't feel right for this story. And that last line about luck feels tacked on.
 

ronito

Member
viciouskillersquirrel said:
Ronito - An after party to a conference? I felt the introduction of the characters and their motivations could have used fleshing out, but I really loved the speech. It felt like I was there with its tear jerker images and all. One thing though - I was a little taken out of the story because I find it hard to imagine how the Malaria pathogen (the blood parasite) could possibly be a "strain" or mutate to become airborne. Malarial symptoms don't work like that either. Maybe a longer-lived version of Ebola would have worked better?
Yeah totally right. I knew that what I was doing was totally inaccurate, but I couldn't pass up the Malaria bad air to ill wind correlation.
 
Cyan and viciouskillersquirrel - Thanks! I told you I'd write something special for this challenge and it seems I came through! I think I'm going to stick with this style for future stories :)

Oh and you'd be surprised - gay men are no different from women when it comes to true love :p
 

ronito

Member
Cyan: I can't tell you why, but the pacing seems to stumble for me seemed sorta slapdash. Also there wasn't much description. The dialogue is well voiced.

Rouronzssdkdewlweesasxkds11232d: Bill's inner dialogue needs some polishing, given that it plays a huge role in the story. It just seemed your dailogue between the characters was more polished than the inner. Still I love what you did with it. Reminds me of that part of Love Actually.

Botolf: Some editing would've helped, be sure to keep to descriptive themes. For example, is the water beading or streaming? It's nice to see Provost back. But did you have to do that to him? You were really right about the beginning versus the end.

Crow: Editing. You make some grammatical mistakes. As mentioned a strong Star-Trek vibe with Billy Joel thrown into the mix. Good job with the voicing of the capitan.

Weepy: Short and sweet. really fun. Don't make it any longer, it's fine as it is.

DumbNameD: This has style. Sounds a lot like an american folktale. I'd love to see you revisit this later and make more of it. Also did you put symbolism in there or am I reading too much into it?
 

Sibylus

Banned
ronito said:
Botolf: Some editing would've helped, be sure to keep to descriptive themes. For example, is the water beading or streaming? It's nice to see Provost back. But did you have to do that to him? You were really right about the beginning versus the end.
Thanks for the crit :)

He'll be back</ahnold>
 

Shirokun

Member
Dammit, I really gotta get in on one these. I'm really trying to improve my writing, but I'm either too busy, or I miss the submission deadline. Props to all you guys for just diving in the way you do.
 
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