I find it mostly involves trying not to get hit in the junk by flailing toddler limbs.
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #168 - "Fold"
- Thread starter Dandy Crocodile
- Start date
- Status
I find it mostly involves trying not to get hit in the junk by flailing toddler limbs.
Another Fucking Metal Band (2100)
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
The Man with the Big House about 1800 words.
Daaaaw *girlish squeek* Congratulation!!
This is the week that I have to admit defeat. I fold, so to speak. I have an outline for a story ready to go since Sunday night, but haven't had a minute of free time to sit down and write it. Well, six month without a slip are still good... I guess.
The cats woke me up to feed them at this ungodly hour, so I guess I'll pull together the list:
Mike M: Know When to Run
frekifox7: The Story Beyond
Crunched: The Moth of Razgül (DQ'd)
Tangent: Love is in the Air
Cyan: Another Fucking Metal Band
FlowersisBritish: The Man With the Big House
Ashes: the ghost in his machine
Neener: Stakes
Smaller field of entrants than usual this week, so I expect extensive feedback from all of you! : P
Mike M: Know When to Run
frekifox7: The Story Beyond
Crunched: The Moth of Razgül (DQ'd)
Tangent: Love is in the Air
Cyan: Another Fucking Metal Band
FlowersisBritish: The Man With the Big House
Ashes: the ghost in his machine
Neener: Stakes
Smaller field of entrants than usual this week, so I expect extensive feedback from all of you! : P
Congrats and good luck.
1. Flowers
2. MikeM
3. Ashes
Won't be able to do feedback this time... Have a whole bunch of people staying... But if it will appease mikem I'll promise to do it next time no matter how many entrants there are
Mike: Okay, Matthias and Boyd are recent enough that everyone probably already remembers them, but this was also the return of the Seven Deadly Sons from The Malfeasant Seven. Ive always kind of liked them since I thought of them and consider them the focal point of some nebulous Weird West setting in my head that I may develop at some point or another. Its odd that Ive always intended there to be supernatural stuff about them, but their only appearances so far are pretty straight laced and normal. I kind of wanted the exchange at the end where Hubert tells Boyd that Matthias has bought his life to be that Matthias literally owns Boyds life, which sets up the events of the last time we saw them. Im not sure how great this works out without previous knowledge of what comes next (Theres certainly no supernatural hanky panky to indicate it in this story), and overall Im kind of dissatisfied with this. Therere practically no descriptions of anything, and all the alliteration wasnt intended, just bad editing. Heh.
frekifox7: I know you liked the part about the forest appearing like a pop-up book--and I agree, thats an excellent simile that instantly conveys a very particular image that is fun to imagine--but the fact that she has no reaction to this forest spontaneously appearing behind their house for two months is what hangs me up, even though I like practically everything else youve got going on. But you already know that, because I told you that last Thursday : ) Maybe now that the challenge is over and you dont need to worry about exceeding the word count, you can add a little something in there to smooth it over somehow. Also, still like how the swirly deals around the title evoke an open book : ) Giving you feedback on NeoGAF is really odd to me since Im always giving you feedback in person and Im not telling you anything I didnt already tell you
Crunched: Hm, I can see how youd have a bitch of a time cutting words from a poem when you have to worry about meter and rhyming schemes while still conveying the story. Speaking as someone who has literally no aptitude for poetry beyond haikus, the amount of work that would have gone into making this, for me, would have been beyond herculean. So you have my kudos and props and snaps and whatever other congratulatory metaphors kids are using today, because I could never do this. I dont even much like poetry, and this kept me engaged. Some of the rhymes felt off (Romance and askance dont rhyme, at least the way I pronounce askance. Id say its a regional thing, but no one around here except me says askance in day to day life, so maybe Im just wrong!), and your rhyming scheme would change without warning or clear delineation points like the chapter headings, but thats the thing about poems; you can just do whatever and its still a poem : ) But honestly, if you hadnt gone over the word count, this would have merited a vote from me. For a fucking poem. That is high fucking praise from me, as far as Im concerned.
Tangent: Well, if my votes were based on who best embodied the secondary objective, youd probably win. The amount of precision you must have taken in your word choices must have been incredibly taxing, Im impressed you managed to get to nearly four hundred words on this thing. Its definitely not something you can just skim, and reading it reminded me a lot of that one time Cyan wrote the story that didnt use the letter e. You had to put effort into paying attention to it and understanding what it was saying rather than just normal, easy-going reading. I do think the challenge in reading it is kind of an example of the veracity of the always avoid alliteration advice that Sober wants to throw down over, though obviously it is taken to extremes. Really surprised that the poems this round (Im counting this as a free verse poem, dealwithit.gif) are impressing me as much as they are.
Cyan: Man, Im having a difficult time imagine a metal show at a small club with hipsters. Maybe I just dont go to enough metal shows. Mostly because I dont go to any metal shows. Which is odd, because I like metal. But mostly Power Metal, because the metal genre is infinitely subdividable into smaller categories that metalheads will spend hours debating over which band belongs where on one of those diagrams showing the hierarchy of animals in evolutionary history. Now where was I going with this? Oh yeah, stay out of my beer. Also, you had one sentence/paragraph where we were suddenly in first person narrative out of nowhere, which seemed really odd because Ive never seen that sort of mistake from you. Youre slipping, Cyan! Slipping! Seriously though, I think my favorite part of this was the twing/tweng/twung stuff before hitting twang and the way it wrapped up the story with him declaring his band to be Lone Fucking Wolf. I never demonstrate that kind of foresight and planning.
FlowersisBritish: I have difficulty understanding where this is supposed to take place. The talk of drug cartels and the fact that theres a guy named Manuel makes me think of Central or South America, but Elliot and Abraham as names seem out of place, and Abraham is carrying pennies. I dont know about the rest of the countries to the south, but Mexico doesnt use copper coins and they dont have one called a penny. Those are all minor details that could be fixed in five minutes of editing. I had greater difficulties buying the notion that this guy who had been introduced to violent crimes relatively young, had achieved great wealth and power, and was running the local drug and sex trade was somehow perceived to be something of a pushover. Especially since he was able to just bash some guys head in without a second thought or hesitation. Basically I cant envision that guy being anything but absolutely ruthless, because I cannot believe that he could only dabble in being a monster without being pushed to the margins by the real monsters. And it may well be that he always was the real monster and refused to recognize it in himself, but the fact that the people of the village dont fear him would seem to contradict that notion.
Ashes: Everyone seemed pretty chill considering that this guy just busted in there and killed what seems to have been a sentient robot and then helps himself to juice and extorts the family of all their worldly possessions. This seems kind of like life-destroying events, but the woman doesnt treat as anything more than an annoyance. Not quite sure why theyre on the hook for the stuff their tenant did, but thats organized crime for you.
Neener: Pulling the heart out of rotting flesh isnt so easy as that. Its still behind the ribcage, after all, and bones dont really rot. This might have been too high concept for the length of this piece as we dont get a lot of characterization or insight into what The Guild is, how it works, etc. Only that the protagonist has a secret zombie daughter up in the attic, which Im pretty sure is some well-tread stuff in zombie stories in the past several decades. Off the top of my head, I can think of a volume of The Walking Dead, and theres that Schwarzenegger movie coming out that revolves around the same concept. Theres probably a bunch more that Im not even thinking of.
Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. frekifox7
3. Cyan
frekifox7: I know you liked the part about the forest appearing like a pop-up book--and I agree, thats an excellent simile that instantly conveys a very particular image that is fun to imagine--but the fact that she has no reaction to this forest spontaneously appearing behind their house for two months is what hangs me up, even though I like practically everything else youve got going on. But you already know that, because I told you that last Thursday : ) Maybe now that the challenge is over and you dont need to worry about exceeding the word count, you can add a little something in there to smooth it over somehow. Also, still like how the swirly deals around the title evoke an open book : ) Giving you feedback on NeoGAF is really odd to me since Im always giving you feedback in person and Im not telling you anything I didnt already tell you
Crunched: Hm, I can see how youd have a bitch of a time cutting words from a poem when you have to worry about meter and rhyming schemes while still conveying the story. Speaking as someone who has literally no aptitude for poetry beyond haikus, the amount of work that would have gone into making this, for me, would have been beyond herculean. So you have my kudos and props and snaps and whatever other congratulatory metaphors kids are using today, because I could never do this. I dont even much like poetry, and this kept me engaged. Some of the rhymes felt off (Romance and askance dont rhyme, at least the way I pronounce askance. Id say its a regional thing, but no one around here except me says askance in day to day life, so maybe Im just wrong!), and your rhyming scheme would change without warning or clear delineation points like the chapter headings, but thats the thing about poems; you can just do whatever and its still a poem : ) But honestly, if you hadnt gone over the word count, this would have merited a vote from me. For a fucking poem. That is high fucking praise from me, as far as Im concerned.
Tangent: Well, if my votes were based on who best embodied the secondary objective, youd probably win. The amount of precision you must have taken in your word choices must have been incredibly taxing, Im impressed you managed to get to nearly four hundred words on this thing. Its definitely not something you can just skim, and reading it reminded me a lot of that one time Cyan wrote the story that didnt use the letter e. You had to put effort into paying attention to it and understanding what it was saying rather than just normal, easy-going reading. I do think the challenge in reading it is kind of an example of the veracity of the always avoid alliteration advice that Sober wants to throw down over, though obviously it is taken to extremes. Really surprised that the poems this round (Im counting this as a free verse poem, dealwithit.gif) are impressing me as much as they are.
Cyan: Man, Im having a difficult time imagine a metal show at a small club with hipsters. Maybe I just dont go to enough metal shows. Mostly because I dont go to any metal shows. Which is odd, because I like metal. But mostly Power Metal, because the metal genre is infinitely subdividable into smaller categories that metalheads will spend hours debating over which band belongs where on one of those diagrams showing the hierarchy of animals in evolutionary history. Now where was I going with this? Oh yeah, stay out of my beer. Also, you had one sentence/paragraph where we were suddenly in first person narrative out of nowhere, which seemed really odd because Ive never seen that sort of mistake from you. Youre slipping, Cyan! Slipping! Seriously though, I think my favorite part of this was the twing/tweng/twung stuff before hitting twang and the way it wrapped up the story with him declaring his band to be Lone Fucking Wolf. I never demonstrate that kind of foresight and planning.
FlowersisBritish: I have difficulty understanding where this is supposed to take place. The talk of drug cartels and the fact that theres a guy named Manuel makes me think of Central or South America, but Elliot and Abraham as names seem out of place, and Abraham is carrying pennies. I dont know about the rest of the countries to the south, but Mexico doesnt use copper coins and they dont have one called a penny. Those are all minor details that could be fixed in five minutes of editing. I had greater difficulties buying the notion that this guy who had been introduced to violent crimes relatively young, had achieved great wealth and power, and was running the local drug and sex trade was somehow perceived to be something of a pushover. Especially since he was able to just bash some guys head in without a second thought or hesitation. Basically I cant envision that guy being anything but absolutely ruthless, because I cannot believe that he could only dabble in being a monster without being pushed to the margins by the real monsters. And it may well be that he always was the real monster and refused to recognize it in himself, but the fact that the people of the village dont fear him would seem to contradict that notion.
Ashes: Everyone seemed pretty chill considering that this guy just busted in there and killed what seems to have been a sentient robot and then helps himself to juice and extorts the family of all their worldly possessions. This seems kind of like life-destroying events, but the woman doesnt treat as anything more than an annoyance. Not quite sure why theyre on the hook for the stuff their tenant did, but thats organized crime for you.
Neener: Pulling the heart out of rotting flesh isnt so easy as that. Its still behind the ribcage, after all, and bones dont really rot. This might have been too high concept for the length of this piece as we dont get a lot of characterization or insight into what The Guild is, how it works, etc. Only that the protagonist has a secret zombie daughter up in the attic, which Im pretty sure is some well-tread stuff in zombie stories in the past several decades. Off the top of my head, I can think of a volume of The Walking Dead, and theres that Schwarzenegger movie coming out that revolves around the same concept. Theres probably a bunch more that Im not even thinking of.
Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. frekifox7
3. Cyan
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Haha my roommate bought a printer today. Next, if become dumbly rich and get a scanner, I can give everyone a pdf of me writing over all their stories with detailed play by play criticisms. Then I'll be the best criticizer of the land! Mwhahahaha
Mike M: I felt there was a little too much fat in this story. There were a couple lines of description evenly throughout I felt you could have clipped away. I think you did well with phonetic dialogue, it was clear and you could hear the accents in the dialogue.
Fekifox: The twist halfway through where he was actually this ethereal being all along was pretty great and interesting. Your otherworldly descriptions of him were also great. I did feel like the ending wrapped up a little too cleanly though, he's a being of destruction and she's a lady yet they still ride off into the sunset no problem?
Crunched: Ah man this is some Old Gods bullshit right here. Love me some Old Gods bullshit. I applaud the bold format of a long poem, but there were some obvious drawbacks. not all the lines flowed well, and there were quite a few awkward little bits for me(ex: "I curious inquire). When it hits it's stride, you nail the thing, part II was great for that reason. Though I hated almost every time you used repetition. I don't think any of the repetition helped the story.
Tangent: Finally, a story about me. I can get behind this! Anyway I've got to give props on going full alliteration on this. More surprisingly, you nail almost all of it. By doing an overload of alliteration, it just adds a great flow and style to this that I really lost myself in. Also, almost all of your alliterations were great in general, and would have worked just as small snippets in another story. Though, with so much alliteration you do repeat yourself a bit.
Cyan- You introduce the character names in bundles, and can make it a little tough to keep track. It's not so much a problem with Noah and Jadd since their characters are so distinct, but Brett and Chevee are basically nothing. You have a great balance of description and action through out, making this really evenly paced. I think it's a little weird you didn't describe any guitars? You name them, but that doesn't mean we know what they look like. The description of them playing and their various momentums made for some pretty convincing band scenes.
Ashes: +2 & for the tally. For the most part you dialogue is A+ except for a few awkward bits for me('suppose so' said the kid). Your dialogue easily carries the story, and I love the few quick bits of action like "He shot Jake point blank" I was confused about the 24 hour loop thing, and ultimately why he had such a change in heart.
Neener- I like your depiction of a mental attack, it was quick and interesting. Also I love the idea of a test like this, because why wouldn't they have a test like this? I really felt this needed more time(no doi), mainly because I didn't really understand the ending. Although I did like where it was going.
Votes:
1) Tangent
2) Cyan
3) Ashes
Mike M: I felt there was a little too much fat in this story. There were a couple lines of description evenly throughout I felt you could have clipped away. I think you did well with phonetic dialogue, it was clear and you could hear the accents in the dialogue.
Fekifox: The twist halfway through where he was actually this ethereal being all along was pretty great and interesting. Your otherworldly descriptions of him were also great. I did feel like the ending wrapped up a little too cleanly though, he's a being of destruction and she's a lady yet they still ride off into the sunset no problem?
Crunched: Ah man this is some Old Gods bullshit right here. Love me some Old Gods bullshit. I applaud the bold format of a long poem, but there were some obvious drawbacks. not all the lines flowed well, and there were quite a few awkward little bits for me(ex: "I curious inquire). When it hits it's stride, you nail the thing, part II was great for that reason. Though I hated almost every time you used repetition. I don't think any of the repetition helped the story.
Tangent: Finally, a story about me. I can get behind this! Anyway I've got to give props on going full alliteration on this. More surprisingly, you nail almost all of it. By doing an overload of alliteration, it just adds a great flow and style to this that I really lost myself in. Also, almost all of your alliterations were great in general, and would have worked just as small snippets in another story. Though, with so much alliteration you do repeat yourself a bit.
Cyan- You introduce the character names in bundles, and can make it a little tough to keep track. It's not so much a problem with Noah and Jadd since their characters are so distinct, but Brett and Chevee are basically nothing. You have a great balance of description and action through out, making this really evenly paced. I think it's a little weird you didn't describe any guitars? You name them, but that doesn't mean we know what they look like. The description of them playing and their various momentums made for some pretty convincing band scenes.
Ashes: +2 & for the tally. For the most part you dialogue is A+ except for a few awkward bits for me('suppose so' said the kid). Your dialogue easily carries the story, and I love the few quick bits of action like "He shot Jake point blank" I was confused about the 24 hour loop thing, and ultimately why he had such a change in heart.
Neener- I like your depiction of a mental attack, it was quick and interesting. Also I love the idea of a test like this, because why wouldn't they have a test like this? I really felt this needed more time(no doi), mainly because I didn't really understand the ending. Although I did like where it was going.
Votes:
1) Tangent
2) Cyan
3) Ashes
Mike M - Know When to Run
I had a stanza in my submission in which I used "patina," but cut it for length. Don't see that word often, and thought the coincidence was novel enough to mention.
You have a charm to your writing that makes it a breeze to read. Your characters behave in consistent and believable ways, and you use this, along with dialogue, to great effect in conveying story. You don't hold things getting us up to speed with background info, which is great. The only time you slip into exposition with this one is the end, explaining the relationship between Matthias and Boyd. A little of it is okay, but a lot of what you state is already obvious from their behavior. Their final exchange ("the bitter end") is a perfect summation of what's come before. That quip is exemplary. A lot more effective than simply telling us about their dynamic. More of that. It's one of your biggest strengths.
Phonetics are solid. I see written dialect criticized a lot. It's one of those creative writing workshop no-nos that gets bandied about everywhere you go. I never got that. If you can write it well (as you can), write it. Your dialogue never gets in the way, and in fact helps establish mood and personality. It immediately provides a sense of place.
If I had to pick a peeve, it's that the situation here is conventional. Your beats are almost ceremonial. We know these people. The sculptor Hap Hagood once said, "Within every block of wood and stone, there dwells a spirit, waiting to be released." This story feels less like releasing a new spirit than finding one discarded and breathing life back into it.
FWIW, your explanation of intent and future plans for these characters sounds really interesting, and is a neat twist to the formula that could keep them engaging.
frekifox7 - The Story Beyond
Nice filigree around your title. Gives the story a professional look. It's something small, but goes a long way toward improving your presentation.
I am with Mike—the forest's folding out being compared to a pop-up book is inspired. It's the perfect image, and immediately evokes a rapid, otherworldly design. Unfortunately, I am also with Mike when it comes to Cara's subdued reaction. But unlike Mike, I'm not going to suggest you change it (I'm nice like that). I am all for magical realism in stories, and I don't demand characters in a magical realist or fantasy setting recognize the weirdness of this or that. Sometimes it's fine for things to simply be, and to rely on your audience's acceptance that whatever is, is. However, in this case, the magical setting is clearly set up as something unusual. It is strange that Cara does not respond to it more inquisitively, or suspiciously. It reminds me a bit of In the House Upon the Dirt Between the Lake and the Woods, in which similarly strange and marvelous things happen without much of a reaction from the actors. Both stories are tonally aligned. Don't take this as an endorsement of that book, though. I seriously dislike Matt Bell's writing, and think that story is one of his most obnoxious to get through. I bring it up to make the point: you don't have to concede to the wants of your early readers to create something publishable, or worth reading. By denying us the expected reaction, you veneer your story with its own distinct skin.
Cara has a moment late in the story where she remembers feeling Aaron was not of her world. Maybe you can work with that sensation earlier, when the forest appears, to sprinkle some foreshadowing. Scrunch the threads a bit tighter.
You reference shadow a bunch. I didn't always follow. Sometimes it is personified to the point of being its own character (this is most obvious in the line, "Shadow trembled..."). "Shadow" is a squishy word. It outlines all manner of vagaries. You can throw it at anything, but it will rarely cut. If you want to refer to whatever the thing Aaron is, maybe the more traditional shade would do.
I was unclear on the motivations of both Aaron and the horrible fae-woman. What is it about Cara that drew Aaron to abandon his realm and rule? That's a massive sacrifice. And then what happened between them that allowed him to leave her so easily? Why does the forest appear when it does? This story is about the relationship, but you linger too long on the setting. What does that setting represent? What does it mean for both Cara and Aaron, beyond the superficial netherscape, whole-new-world deal? There is something juicy here, but you don't bite into it.
The fae-woman is schlock. You have two potentially nuanced and complex characters in Cara and Aaron, and then this faceless she-devil comes into play. Her entire purpose is to push that thorn further into Cara, to prick her over and over as if it is Cara's own self-doubt eating away at her. Only it isn't her own self-doubt, it's a totally separate character. There must be more to this fae chick. Right now she is so one-dimensional she's razor-thin.
Don't get me wrong: I think she could be a great addition to what you're cooking. But maybe inspect the produce a little more on a future revision, find something a little more ripe, a little less lumpy.
Lest I end this after dumping a wheelbarrow of criticisms on you, keep in mind that the story was interesting enough to warrant these points of contention. That's a sign of success: I cared about the story enough I want to see it open up. I don't say this often, but what you've written so far is very promising.
Tangent - Love is in the Air
World-weary, waiting withered with wuthering wind, we once went without worry, watching wavey water wreck windrows while wagging wampus waltzed warlike and wild.
That is to say, I think you turned this secondary into a really fun vocabulary and grammar exercise, and it might be worth doing a 3-500 word short in this style every once in a while as a way to work old joints that otherwise would rust. And even more, you gave us a sweet little dip into the steam of consciousness that somehow spruced Steve up. All, finally, folded in flowers.
I tried imitating your commitment to alliteration in my opening sentence of this feedback, and had a hell of a time coming up with anything comprehensible. You do an admirable job delivering something not only readable, but interesting and even poignant. It's a classic dollop of short but sweet, with ambition evident in style instead of length. The content seems guided more by the rhyme than the story at times, but stepping back after reading it's clear all its pieces fit in place.
Cyan - Another Fucking Metal Band
Providing feedback for writers like you and Mike is tough. You both have a strong grasp on style and the mechanics of language, and by aptitude innate or acquired you have a way of imbuing your characters and settings with meaningful detail and charm. A first pass at critiquing your stories is often more admiration than annotation. You make a habit of picking just the right color. For instance, the names you chose—Brent, Cheeve, and Noah—are perfect for these guys. Little things like that create a strong momentum, and pull us forward into the continuing story.
Onomatopoeia works well here. I'm not always a fan of onomatopoeia in fiction, as sometimes it feels like a grasping at words or concepts that haven't yet arrived to the author, a way of filling those gaps. But here it it's okay. It's a little crunchy, a little rhythmic, and in a story about a metal band it feels right. We get the sound not only from the words, but from the context. In a way, the onomatopoeia provides a corollary to the thematic backbone. It's satisfying to end on that "just right."
You have a strong forward push in the narrative. Something is always happening, and we don't get hung up on asides or exposition. Despite this, I don't think what's going on here is very interesting. Your characters are stereotypes, which might be okay if the conflict was more unique. You do provide a little twist on the "interpersonal metal band clashing" trope with the viral video thing, but it doesn't ever escape the gravity of its lineage. It often seems like your characters here are all derivations of the same mold, which is unusual compared to many of your past entries. It is an easy story to get through, and the very end is satisfyingly final, but when I consider the whole, it doesn't feel like much has changed. Noah has not learned anything, and seems spurred less by a realization or an internal shift than by necessity, like a bag in the wind.
FlowersisBritish - The Man with the Big House
I liked the title. Suitably ambiguous, slightly ominous. It doesn't tell us much, but I think that is a benefit. It's fitting that a story with a title this vague would keep me guessing until the end.
I don't have a lot of things to say about this one (sorry!). The story is tense and interesting. There are minor line-level things that could be touched up here and there. I generally try to avoid critiquing potential line-level edits. I don't believe pointing them out is especially helpful, and since so much of every story is subject to change it is much more important to help shade the color of things than the minutiae. If we're at all to be helpful, we must sweep a light across the vast dark each author is wading into, and hope that something we reveal might be a clue for him on which direction to take.
Elliot's opinion on whiskey is a beautiful line, and encapsulates his inward struggle. It's the perfect dialectical for what's at stake. I think it's probably the most important line in the story, and I know it's the most telling. I'm not sure the idea is completely followed through, though it's clearly meant to be. Elliot arrives at his decision to become a monster after Abraham plays fairly and loses, but since Elliot cheats in the first place he has already committed to villainy. It's the only strained logical point in his growth, but it's so crucial that it sorely sticks out. If we are meant to adhere so closely to Elliot's perspective that the narration is tinted by his worldview, and he believes there is still hope for himself even though there is not, maybe the revelation makes sense... but that does not seem to be the case. The narrator is close to Elliot in space, but separate in soul.
There has been a lot of this conflicted crime lord archetype in media lately. Walter White and Wilson Fisk immediately spring to mind. I think the archetype is interesting. He embodies what I tend to look for in fiction: the conflicted soul, with much at stake, who can do a lot of good but is compelled toward evil. Whenever we see a character like that at the fulcrum of his life, the point at which he must commit to the type of man he will be, we know there is great drama in store for us. It's superb conflict. You do a good job mining the interior life of such a man, at just such a moment in his life.
Ashes - The Ghost in His Machine
Your economical voice is a nice companion to this story. From the first couple of pages yours was my clear favorite this round. I printed and read over it several times. Your world-building is subtle and subdued and the story is better for not calling attention to its more unique attributes. I thought your main character was wonderfully realized, as was the robot Jack. In theatre, actors are taught action is reaction and you utilize that concept well in the exchanges between your characters. Though we are obviously closest to Seiji, we get a good view of all the cast. All are distinct and even idiosyncratic. "You sound like an arsehole" is so perfectly placed I could not imagine a better delivery. Excellent job here with dialogue and behavior.
For the most part this is tightly written, but I could not tie together the threads of Seiji's pity toward the boy, his preference for androids, and his remembrance of the grandfather. He doesn't want to lose himself, his humanity, despite the inhumanity of his job. I understood that, I understood the underlying thrust of that desire his memory of his grandfather. He goes to his granddad's grave when he feels his conscience rising. That is done well. But what is it about the sick boy in particular that causes his conscience to surge in this way? He does not seem sure about this himself. His attraction toward robots is quirky and interesting, but again is not fully explored. It is fine to leave it as a question, but it doesn't seem aligned to anything particular in the story and isn't reflected in his behavior outside of his rejection of the landlady's advances.
Why is the landlady responsible for Jack's debt? It she is simply renting a room to him, what is her culpability in his crimes?
I'd love to see more of this world. It is complex and interesting and your voice suits it so well I kept revisiting it over the course of days. Great job.
Neener - Stakes
Good on you for submitting. I am not sure how to critique this one since, as you admit, it was rushed.
When I was in school, I saw dozens of stories like this. They all follow the same protocol: a main character is split between two worlds, and must complete some dangerous task assigned by a committee, academy, or board, in secret, in a realm apart from the normal world, all while balancing real-world life and responsibilities. Various enigmatic and vaguely supernatural forces are at play, often demons (or daemons), sprites, wizards, werewolves, spirits, etc. Often these forces threaten to encroach on the real world, and the protagonist is thrust into an the role of hero, typically battling evil forces while also uncovering a conspiracy or plot within the association they are working for. I think of it as the Harry Potter model, maybe the Persona model of storytelling. It's extremely, exhaustively popular.
I used to be dismissive of these stories. Maybe that was pretension on my part. I've always been attracted more to literary rather than genre storytelling. I've come around a bit, after seeing their longevity and popularity, trying to find what it is that attracts people to them. Is it a way of living out a vicarious fantasy? Of following a hero, or "chosen one," who allows us to place ourselves in her shoes and escape the real world? I haven't cracked that riddle just yet. It bears further investigating.
What bothers me most is that they almost always play out in the same tired way. Your ending intrigues me for this reason, as it appears to connect your main character to the demon he has slain by revisiting the foul, flowery smell of the dead. I have not seen a take on a story like this in which the main character is the villain, or even villainous in any way. The closest I've seen is Harry Potter's connection to Voldemort, which is one of the most interesting parts of his character. What authors who write derivations on this type of plot frequently miss is that sort of forfeiture or impulsion toward the dark side. Their protagonists are often Mary Sues who act as boring, masturbatory author surrogates. They are vessels, not people in themselves. Characters require some amount of darkness to truly be alive. When you plop a rounded character into a sea of lookalikes, you immediately demand attention. So while your story is short, and the worldbuilding is rushed and clumsy, you hook me by your unconventional ending, and give me hope for what you might offer in the future.
My votes:
1. Ashes
2. Flowers
3. Tangent
I had a stanza in my submission in which I used "patina," but cut it for length. Don't see that word often, and thought the coincidence was novel enough to mention.
You have a charm to your writing that makes it a breeze to read. Your characters behave in consistent and believable ways, and you use this, along with dialogue, to great effect in conveying story. You don't hold things getting us up to speed with background info, which is great. The only time you slip into exposition with this one is the end, explaining the relationship between Matthias and Boyd. A little of it is okay, but a lot of what you state is already obvious from their behavior. Their final exchange ("the bitter end") is a perfect summation of what's come before. That quip is exemplary. A lot more effective than simply telling us about their dynamic. More of that. It's one of your biggest strengths.
Phonetics are solid. I see written dialect criticized a lot. It's one of those creative writing workshop no-nos that gets bandied about everywhere you go. I never got that. If you can write it well (as you can), write it. Your dialogue never gets in the way, and in fact helps establish mood and personality. It immediately provides a sense of place.
If I had to pick a peeve, it's that the situation here is conventional. Your beats are almost ceremonial. We know these people. The sculptor Hap Hagood once said, "Within every block of wood and stone, there dwells a spirit, waiting to be released." This story feels less like releasing a new spirit than finding one discarded and breathing life back into it.
FWIW, your explanation of intent and future plans for these characters sounds really interesting, and is a neat twist to the formula that could keep them engaging.
frekifox7 - The Story Beyond
Nice filigree around your title. Gives the story a professional look. It's something small, but goes a long way toward improving your presentation.
I am with Mike—the forest's folding out being compared to a pop-up book is inspired. It's the perfect image, and immediately evokes a rapid, otherworldly design. Unfortunately, I am also with Mike when it comes to Cara's subdued reaction. But unlike Mike, I'm not going to suggest you change it (I'm nice like that). I am all for magical realism in stories, and I don't demand characters in a magical realist or fantasy setting recognize the weirdness of this or that. Sometimes it's fine for things to simply be, and to rely on your audience's acceptance that whatever is, is. However, in this case, the magical setting is clearly set up as something unusual. It is strange that Cara does not respond to it more inquisitively, or suspiciously. It reminds me a bit of In the House Upon the Dirt Between the Lake and the Woods, in which similarly strange and marvelous things happen without much of a reaction from the actors. Both stories are tonally aligned. Don't take this as an endorsement of that book, though. I seriously dislike Matt Bell's writing, and think that story is one of his most obnoxious to get through. I bring it up to make the point: you don't have to concede to the wants of your early readers to create something publishable, or worth reading. By denying us the expected reaction, you veneer your story with its own distinct skin.
Cara has a moment late in the story where she remembers feeling Aaron was not of her world. Maybe you can work with that sensation earlier, when the forest appears, to sprinkle some foreshadowing. Scrunch the threads a bit tighter.
You reference shadow a bunch. I didn't always follow. Sometimes it is personified to the point of being its own character (this is most obvious in the line, "Shadow trembled..."). "Shadow" is a squishy word. It outlines all manner of vagaries. You can throw it at anything, but it will rarely cut. If you want to refer to whatever the thing Aaron is, maybe the more traditional shade would do.
I was unclear on the motivations of both Aaron and the horrible fae-woman. What is it about Cara that drew Aaron to abandon his realm and rule? That's a massive sacrifice. And then what happened between them that allowed him to leave her so easily? Why does the forest appear when it does? This story is about the relationship, but you linger too long on the setting. What does that setting represent? What does it mean for both Cara and Aaron, beyond the superficial netherscape, whole-new-world deal? There is something juicy here, but you don't bite into it.
The fae-woman is schlock. You have two potentially nuanced and complex characters in Cara and Aaron, and then this faceless she-devil comes into play. Her entire purpose is to push that thorn further into Cara, to prick her over and over as if it is Cara's own self-doubt eating away at her. Only it isn't her own self-doubt, it's a totally separate character. There must be more to this fae chick. Right now she is so one-dimensional she's razor-thin.
Don't get me wrong: I think she could be a great addition to what you're cooking. But maybe inspect the produce a little more on a future revision, find something a little more ripe, a little less lumpy.
Lest I end this after dumping a wheelbarrow of criticisms on you, keep in mind that the story was interesting enough to warrant these points of contention. That's a sign of success: I cared about the story enough I want to see it open up. I don't say this often, but what you've written so far is very promising.
Tangent - Love is in the Air
World-weary, waiting withered with wuthering wind, we once went without worry, watching wavey water wreck windrows while wagging wampus waltzed warlike and wild.
That is to say, I think you turned this secondary into a really fun vocabulary and grammar exercise, and it might be worth doing a 3-500 word short in this style every once in a while as a way to work old joints that otherwise would rust. And even more, you gave us a sweet little dip into the steam of consciousness that somehow spruced Steve up. All, finally, folded in flowers.
I tried imitating your commitment to alliteration in my opening sentence of this feedback, and had a hell of a time coming up with anything comprehensible. You do an admirable job delivering something not only readable, but interesting and even poignant. It's a classic dollop of short but sweet, with ambition evident in style instead of length. The content seems guided more by the rhyme than the story at times, but stepping back after reading it's clear all its pieces fit in place.
Cyan - Another Fucking Metal Band
Providing feedback for writers like you and Mike is tough. You both have a strong grasp on style and the mechanics of language, and by aptitude innate or acquired you have a way of imbuing your characters and settings with meaningful detail and charm. A first pass at critiquing your stories is often more admiration than annotation. You make a habit of picking just the right color. For instance, the names you chose—Brent, Cheeve, and Noah—are perfect for these guys. Little things like that create a strong momentum, and pull us forward into the continuing story.
Onomatopoeia works well here. I'm not always a fan of onomatopoeia in fiction, as sometimes it feels like a grasping at words or concepts that haven't yet arrived to the author, a way of filling those gaps. But here it it's okay. It's a little crunchy, a little rhythmic, and in a story about a metal band it feels right. We get the sound not only from the words, but from the context. In a way, the onomatopoeia provides a corollary to the thematic backbone. It's satisfying to end on that "just right."
You have a strong forward push in the narrative. Something is always happening, and we don't get hung up on asides or exposition. Despite this, I don't think what's going on here is very interesting. Your characters are stereotypes, which might be okay if the conflict was more unique. You do provide a little twist on the "interpersonal metal band clashing" trope with the viral video thing, but it doesn't ever escape the gravity of its lineage. It often seems like your characters here are all derivations of the same mold, which is unusual compared to many of your past entries. It is an easy story to get through, and the very end is satisfyingly final, but when I consider the whole, it doesn't feel like much has changed. Noah has not learned anything, and seems spurred less by a realization or an internal shift than by necessity, like a bag in the wind.
FlowersisBritish - The Man with the Big House
I liked the title. Suitably ambiguous, slightly ominous. It doesn't tell us much, but I think that is a benefit. It's fitting that a story with a title this vague would keep me guessing until the end.
I don't have a lot of things to say about this one (sorry!). The story is tense and interesting. There are minor line-level things that could be touched up here and there. I generally try to avoid critiquing potential line-level edits. I don't believe pointing them out is especially helpful, and since so much of every story is subject to change it is much more important to help shade the color of things than the minutiae. If we're at all to be helpful, we must sweep a light across the vast dark each author is wading into, and hope that something we reveal might be a clue for him on which direction to take.
Elliot's opinion on whiskey is a beautiful line, and encapsulates his inward struggle. It's the perfect dialectical for what's at stake. I think it's probably the most important line in the story, and I know it's the most telling. I'm not sure the idea is completely followed through, though it's clearly meant to be. Elliot arrives at his decision to become a monster after Abraham plays fairly and loses, but since Elliot cheats in the first place he has already committed to villainy. It's the only strained logical point in his growth, but it's so crucial that it sorely sticks out. If we are meant to adhere so closely to Elliot's perspective that the narration is tinted by his worldview, and he believes there is still hope for himself even though there is not, maybe the revelation makes sense... but that does not seem to be the case. The narrator is close to Elliot in space, but separate in soul.
There has been a lot of this conflicted crime lord archetype in media lately. Walter White and Wilson Fisk immediately spring to mind. I think the archetype is interesting. He embodies what I tend to look for in fiction: the conflicted soul, with much at stake, who can do a lot of good but is compelled toward evil. Whenever we see a character like that at the fulcrum of his life, the point at which he must commit to the type of man he will be, we know there is great drama in store for us. It's superb conflict. You do a good job mining the interior life of such a man, at just such a moment in his life.
Ashes - The Ghost in His Machine
Your economical voice is a nice companion to this story. From the first couple of pages yours was my clear favorite this round. I printed and read over it several times. Your world-building is subtle and subdued and the story is better for not calling attention to its more unique attributes. I thought your main character was wonderfully realized, as was the robot Jack. In theatre, actors are taught action is reaction and you utilize that concept well in the exchanges between your characters. Though we are obviously closest to Seiji, we get a good view of all the cast. All are distinct and even idiosyncratic. "You sound like an arsehole" is so perfectly placed I could not imagine a better delivery. Excellent job here with dialogue and behavior.
For the most part this is tightly written, but I could not tie together the threads of Seiji's pity toward the boy, his preference for androids, and his remembrance of the grandfather. He doesn't want to lose himself, his humanity, despite the inhumanity of his job. I understood that, I understood the underlying thrust of that desire his memory of his grandfather. He goes to his granddad's grave when he feels his conscience rising. That is done well. But what is it about the sick boy in particular that causes his conscience to surge in this way? He does not seem sure about this himself. His attraction toward robots is quirky and interesting, but again is not fully explored. It is fine to leave it as a question, but it doesn't seem aligned to anything particular in the story and isn't reflected in his behavior outside of his rejection of the landlady's advances.
Why is the landlady responsible for Jack's debt? It she is simply renting a room to him, what is her culpability in his crimes?
I'd love to see more of this world. It is complex and interesting and your voice suits it so well I kept revisiting it over the course of days. Great job.
Neener - Stakes
Good on you for submitting. I am not sure how to critique this one since, as you admit, it was rushed.
When I was in school, I saw dozens of stories like this. They all follow the same protocol: a main character is split between two worlds, and must complete some dangerous task assigned by a committee, academy, or board, in secret, in a realm apart from the normal world, all while balancing real-world life and responsibilities. Various enigmatic and vaguely supernatural forces are at play, often demons (or daemons), sprites, wizards, werewolves, spirits, etc. Often these forces threaten to encroach on the real world, and the protagonist is thrust into an the role of hero, typically battling evil forces while also uncovering a conspiracy or plot within the association they are working for. I think of it as the Harry Potter model, maybe the Persona model of storytelling. It's extremely, exhaustively popular.
I used to be dismissive of these stories. Maybe that was pretension on my part. I've always been attracted more to literary rather than genre storytelling. I've come around a bit, after seeing their longevity and popularity, trying to find what it is that attracts people to them. Is it a way of living out a vicarious fantasy? Of following a hero, or "chosen one," who allows us to place ourselves in her shoes and escape the real world? I haven't cracked that riddle just yet. It bears further investigating.
What bothers me most is that they almost always play out in the same tired way. Your ending intrigues me for this reason, as it appears to connect your main character to the demon he has slain by revisiting the foul, flowery smell of the dead. I have not seen a take on a story like this in which the main character is the villain, or even villainous in any way. The closest I've seen is Harry Potter's connection to Voldemort, which is one of the most interesting parts of his character. What authors who write derivations on this type of plot frequently miss is that sort of forfeiture or impulsion toward the dark side. Their protagonists are often Mary Sues who act as boring, masturbatory author surrogates. They are vessels, not people in themselves. Characters require some amount of darkness to truly be alive. When you plop a rounded character into a sea of lookalikes, you immediately demand attention. So while your story is short, and the worldbuilding is rushed and clumsy, you hook me by your unconventional ending, and give me hope for what you might offer in the future.
My votes:
1. Ashes
2. Flowers
3. Tangent
Oh it's nothing too bad... Just a mother going through mental paralysis for er... reasons.
I'd be perfectly fine if you were to lay off reading it for a while. Tis the time for hope, happiness, and all that malarkey.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Don't do it Crunched! If you raise the bar you can never lower it!
Mike M - I'm going to critique this just so you know why it is better that I don't.
There's a few too many examples of redundant prose.
"Crossing the short distance toward the window, Matthias leaned out into the night air, heedless of his nudity. The dry, packed earth of the street below had already relinquished the last of its accumulation of the day’s heat, leaving behind a chill made all the more acute by the sweat on his skin. Down below was Boyd, his anxiety as plain as the nose on his face. He cast nervous glances at the modest flow of traffic out and about that night as he awaited Matthias’s reply."
Why do I need to know most of that? That's an awful lot of words to say:
"he popped out the window, naked, to see his friend down below."
Obviously do it in your style, but you drag your story through treacle, when you do this, so I hope you are doing this deliberately, rather than as an oversight.
----
frekifox7 - I just didn't like this. & sometimes that's just gonna happen. So you're better off listening to people who liked it or can talk about the intended audience. Whether it's 'love melting hearts', or whathaveyou - Maybe I'm just typical of an age that has forgotten what true love is. Or something like that. It'd just be intellectually dishonest to critique objectively when the point of the critique is to be useful. That's just a fanciful way of saying I will probably have nothing of true merit to say. Sorry. :/
Edit : On a second pass, there's tons here that show off your writing talent, so I reserve my right, a right I invented right now, to suspend my critique to a future story.
---
Crunched - This reminded me of Graves' Free Verse poem. You know rhymes and free verse. A lot of mirroring, which is okayish I guess. And repetitions that needlessly emphasise things [Some exceptions withstanding: 'such pretty things' is lovely]. I think you already know all of this, but these kind of poems need a lotta work. But now you have a skeleton to work with, I hope you continue on this. I have one suggestion:
One day a Cleric from the East,
Unlike deacon, nun, or priest,
Came before us like a feast,
And we held him for his money.
Instead of 'money,' why not 'kist'? It's from an old Norse word, but don't quote me on that. lol. Anyways, 'tender kist' works too. With the word tender doubly meaning money and soft etc.
One day a Cleric from the East,
Unlike deacon, nun, or priest,
Came before us like a feast,
Lo! We held him for his tender kist!
Because I like the metaphor of treasure you use in the proceeding stanzas.
The only other thing I would say is that you were losing me a bit into the story, so you would be best shorten the piece. But that could just be me.
edit: went to check the Norse matter, and Google says kist means chest for clothes and linen. lol. But I disagreed, so checked Oxford, who say the same thing. Google must be pulling their results from the Oxford dictionary, but digression aside, I'm sure it means a chest to keep money in too. Just can't find something competent that agrees with me.
---
Tangent -
Tangent tried to talk
Awesome Alliterations and
Newtonian, Nay, Nägeli Nonsense.
Gaf gave girl
Enraptured encores.
Now new naissance
Take Tangent to treats, tykes... tangents?
God that's awful, even if it was off the cuff. I miss writing poetry and have much appreciation for not too serious nonsense stories and poems. I was just reading perhaps the grand daddy of them all over the last couple of days: Alice in Wonderland. Digression, aside, I have nothing really to say, except that you should try your hand at poetry more often.
-----
Cyan - I was very distracted when I read this. For some reason, I kept trying to think of guitar slang. [& being unable to] Anyways, I really enjoyed this. The plot's a bit meh, but I liked reading it all the same. [Ooh... how 'bout Axe?] Half way through the story, I just started youtubing crowd surfing gone wrong videos. There's like a wheel chair one! I think I enjoyed this because of the unique focus on sound, when the lead is sound checking his guitar. I said meh before because *I* read the moral of story here being that chasing fame can have unfortunate consequences, here a broke leg and an arrest for comedic effect, I guess, which was just okay. The crowd-surfing being a daft idea moral [especially in a crowd of one lol] is a better pull for me - again my own readings of course. The punchline at the end didn't really work for me. What with the character starting his own band. Joke right... that's what they all do. I could just be tired but I tried for whatever reason to recall an old dad joke about a band member leaving [Drummer maybe?]. Something about them asking or wanting to play their song being the cue for them to start their own band. Yeah. So, not really any useful feedback. Just a stream of consciousness style retelling of how I read your story. Learnt a new word too: Mosh-lobbing. Though again, that's just wikipediaing crowd surfing cause I wanted to know who invented it or at least was the earliest known person to do so. Wiki says Iggy Pop. So this is quite spaced out. Feel like I should learn the guitar, form a band, and go on the road... maybe not.
---
Flowerisbritish -
The good - Some of the on point metaphors and similes [He was drunk and foul, a thousand little memories thinning his blood like feasting mosquitoes.]. Some of the best I've read in quite a long time. Your 'voice' is changing for the better - better for reading I should say. I don't know whether you can tell or if you're deliberately trying different ways of writing. Or just a natural cause for consistently taking part. And the opening. I liked that a lot.
The bad - The monster and the people paragraph. I didn't like the story after that. You could write whole essays on monsters and men. So distilling what I have to say is difficult. I've used metaphors of that ilk in the past and I will probably use it again. I mean I used psychopath image in my story to convey something quite concrete, even though I'm questioning whether psychopaths actually exist. So what do I know. But you ought not to explain away evil like that anyway. Stuff like the Miligram experiment show that normal people are quite capable of evil. And that's if the holocaust wasn't enough. One needn't be a sociopath [or the more neutral persons with antisocial personality disorder] if you get my drift... but it's a fairly typical of writing this kinda stuff, I'm just, personally, recently being swayed away from this position. Then again some people will read that paragraph as being reflective of what the mc is thinking... so there's some leeway there. What else... The title of the story. Surely you can think of something better than the 'man with the big house'. Villagers imagination sucks. But maybe that's just me.
A very 'game of thrones' type ending. Not a fan of it. Symbolically powerful though it is. & the editing lapses. But speaking of my self, we tend to let that slide round here. ahem.
--
neener -
I didn't like this all that much. Kinda daft. But altogether I'm pleased that you wrote this and got something in. Not that you could tell, but of all the new recruits, and by that I mean the last couple of years, so not really all that new, lol, your stories are the ones I look forward to the most. The writing, whilst better than my own, is not up there with cyan and co, but it'll come. Patience and keep doing the challenges. That sounds patronising and disrespectful, but I don't honestly mean it that way.
--
Ashes - not really much to say. Good effort. get gud.
There's a few too many examples of redundant prose.
"Crossing the short distance toward the window, Matthias leaned out into the night air, heedless of his nudity. The dry, packed earth of the street below had already relinquished the last of its accumulation of the day’s heat, leaving behind a chill made all the more acute by the sweat on his skin. Down below was Boyd, his anxiety as plain as the nose on his face. He cast nervous glances at the modest flow of traffic out and about that night as he awaited Matthias’s reply."
Why do I need to know most of that? That's an awful lot of words to say:
"he popped out the window, naked, to see his friend down below."
Obviously do it in your style, but you drag your story through treacle, when you do this, so I hope you are doing this deliberately, rather than as an oversight.
----
frekifox7 - I just didn't like this. & sometimes that's just gonna happen. So you're better off listening to people who liked it or can talk about the intended audience. Whether it's 'love melting hearts', or whathaveyou - Maybe I'm just typical of an age that has forgotten what true love is. Or something like that. It'd just be intellectually dishonest to critique objectively when the point of the critique is to be useful. That's just a fanciful way of saying I will probably have nothing of true merit to say. Sorry. :/
Edit : On a second pass, there's tons here that show off your writing talent, so I reserve my right, a right I invented right now, to suspend my critique to a future story.
---
Crunched - This reminded me of Graves' Free Verse poem. You know rhymes and free verse. A lot of mirroring, which is okayish I guess. And repetitions that needlessly emphasise things [Some exceptions withstanding: 'such pretty things' is lovely]. I think you already know all of this, but these kind of poems need a lotta work. But now you have a skeleton to work with, I hope you continue on this. I have one suggestion:
One day a Cleric from the East,
Unlike deacon, nun, or priest,
Came before us like a feast,
And we held him for his money.
Instead of 'money,' why not 'kist'? It's from an old Norse word, but don't quote me on that. lol. Anyways, 'tender kist' works too. With the word tender doubly meaning money and soft etc.
One day a Cleric from the East,
Unlike deacon, nun, or priest,
Came before us like a feast,
Lo! We held him for his tender kist!
Because I like the metaphor of treasure you use in the proceeding stanzas.
The only other thing I would say is that you were losing me a bit into the story, so you would be best shorten the piece. But that could just be me.
edit: went to check the Norse matter, and Google says kist means chest for clothes and linen. lol. But I disagreed, so checked Oxford, who say the same thing. Google must be pulling their results from the Oxford dictionary, but digression aside, I'm sure it means a chest to keep money in too. Just can't find something competent that agrees with me.
---
Tangent -
Tangent tried to talk
Awesome Alliterations and
Newtonian, Nay, Nägeli Nonsense.
Gaf gave girl
Enraptured encores.
Now new naissance
Take Tangent to treats, tykes... tangents?
God that's awful, even if it was off the cuff. I miss writing poetry and have much appreciation for not too serious nonsense stories and poems. I was just reading perhaps the grand daddy of them all over the last couple of days: Alice in Wonderland. Digression, aside, I have nothing really to say, except that you should try your hand at poetry more often.
-----
Cyan - I was very distracted when I read this. For some reason, I kept trying to think of guitar slang. [& being unable to] Anyways, I really enjoyed this. The plot's a bit meh, but I liked reading it all the same. [Ooh... how 'bout Axe?] Half way through the story, I just started youtubing crowd surfing gone wrong videos. There's like a wheel chair one! I think I enjoyed this because of the unique focus on sound, when the lead is sound checking his guitar. I said meh before because *I* read the moral of story here being that chasing fame can have unfortunate consequences, here a broke leg and an arrest for comedic effect, I guess, which was just okay. The crowd-surfing being a daft idea moral [especially in a crowd of one lol] is a better pull for me - again my own readings of course. The punchline at the end didn't really work for me. What with the character starting his own band. Joke right... that's what they all do. I could just be tired but I tried for whatever reason to recall an old dad joke about a band member leaving [Drummer maybe?]. Something about them asking or wanting to play their song being the cue for them to start their own band. Yeah. So, not really any useful feedback. Just a stream of consciousness style retelling of how I read your story. Learnt a new word too: Mosh-lobbing. Though again, that's just wikipediaing crowd surfing cause I wanted to know who invented it or at least was the earliest known person to do so. Wiki says Iggy Pop. So this is quite spaced out. Feel like I should learn the guitar, form a band, and go on the road... maybe not.
---
Flowerisbritish -
The good - Some of the on point metaphors and similes [He was drunk and foul, a thousand little memories thinning his blood like feasting mosquitoes.]. Some of the best I've read in quite a long time. Your 'voice' is changing for the better - better for reading I should say. I don't know whether you can tell or if you're deliberately trying different ways of writing. Or just a natural cause for consistently taking part. And the opening. I liked that a lot.
The bad - The monster and the people paragraph. I didn't like the story after that. You could write whole essays on monsters and men. So distilling what I have to say is difficult. I've used metaphors of that ilk in the past and I will probably use it again. I mean I used psychopath image in my story to convey something quite concrete, even though I'm questioning whether psychopaths actually exist. So what do I know. But you ought not to explain away evil like that anyway. Stuff like the Miligram experiment show that normal people are quite capable of evil. And that's if the holocaust wasn't enough. One needn't be a sociopath [or the more neutral persons with antisocial personality disorder] if you get my drift... but it's a fairly typical of writing this kinda stuff, I'm just, personally, recently being swayed away from this position. Then again some people will read that paragraph as being reflective of what the mc is thinking... so there's some leeway there. What else... The title of the story. Surely you can think of something better than the 'man with the big house'. Villagers imagination sucks. But maybe that's just me.
A very 'game of thrones' type ending. Not a fan of it. Symbolically powerful though it is. & the editing lapses. But speaking of my self, we tend to let that slide round here. ahem.
--
neener -
I didn't like this all that much. Kinda daft. But altogether I'm pleased that you wrote this and got something in. Not that you could tell, but of all the new recruits, and by that I mean the last couple of years, so not really all that new, lol, your stories are the ones I look forward to the most. The writing, whilst better than my own, is not up there with cyan and co, but it'll come. Patience and keep doing the challenges. That sounds patronising and disrespectful, but I don't honestly mean it that way.
--
Ashes - not really much to say. Good effort. get gud.
Ack! Still reading!
Haha! Hilarious! Words to live by. B-)
Aaah good ol' mental paralysis. OK, so far I've skipped it, but I'd like to vote fair and square, so maybe I should read it. We'll see. If I get nightmares, they'll be gone by the morning, right?!
.
.
.
All right..... I think I'm done reading but I don't know if my votes would count. I took Ashes' advice and didn't read his story. Just because I know my brain gets wonky late at night to begin with.
I agree with Mike that with so few entries, we should have great feedback! But I couldn't concentrate even though they were good, so I had to reread a few times. No time for feedback now. Also, IDK how much I trust my votes! Feel free to toss them out the window if it makes tallying votes easier....
1. frekifox7
2. flowers
3. cyan
Haha! Hilarious! Words to live by. B-)
Aaah good ol' mental paralysis. OK, so far I've skipped it, but I'd like to vote fair and square, so maybe I should read it.
We'll see. If I get nightmares, they'll be gone by the morning, right?!.
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All right..... I think I'm done reading but I don't know if my votes would count. I took Ashes' advice and didn't read his story. Just because I know my brain gets wonky late at night to begin with.
I agree with Mike that with so few entries, we should have great feedback! But I couldn't concentrate even though they were good, so I had to reread a few times. No time for feedback now. Also, IDK how much I trust my votes! Feel free to toss them out the window if it makes tallying votes easier....
1. frekifox7
2. flowers
3. cyan
Wow that's admirable that you're going through all this yourself. Good luck. I have a friend who endured the roller coaster of this for a very long time but it all had a happy ending. Wishing you the best! Oh and good point, about the repetition.
Thanks for the vote, Ashes. I hadn't thought about Graves when writing this. Was aping Lyrical Ballads by Coleridge and Wordsworth, specifically The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.
Congrats, Flowers. Good luck all on the next round. I don't know if I'll be able to contribute the next few weeks. I will be probably complete feedback tonight, for those interested.
Congrats, Flowers. Good luck all on the next round. I don't know if I'll be able to contribute the next few weeks. I will be probably complete feedback tonight, for those interested.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Not patronizing at all. I found this very encouraging. Thanks!
I'd not normally respond directly to critiques... But as a thank you for introducing me to The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, I wanted to note three things quickly, not necessarily to do with one another, but to things you have raised. Hope this helps rather than hinders, which is always the danger...
I will [1] misquote McCarthy who said that books are made of books. or something like that. Sometimes I leave in some things that are on the peripheral of the overall central thesis to fire up the imagination in the reader - a potential writer. Not sure why. Just carry on the cycle? maybe.
[2] ASFR as a sexual preference - an identity on a more innate level rather than a fetish - came about from my wanting to give Jack a 'self' of some sort. Piquing his curiosity.
But I devoted only a few lines in the end, because to Seiji... I think of it this way.. it is akin to a gay friend who has to come out to every new acquaintance - especially when the subject is broached. [I mean obviously it's do with the self and Seji as a whole too but not central to what the story is about]
[3] Seiji plain and simple engineers a result. Not really Fraud Triangle Model stuff of course. More akin to phantom debt collector scams. Its a very human trait, scamming, and I think I was a bit spooked by the research, so applied a very human brake on the affairs. Asking Seiji, well, coincidentally, this just happens to be the night your grandfather is praying on your mind. Actively thinking about your line of work and how its not very er moral according to your grandfather. Now older and wiser than you once were.. what will you do?
Spoiler about the writing of the story that you may want to avoid :
Seiji wasn't originally the main focus. The mother, the boy, Jack, and Seij were equal. Seiji just emerged victorious because he was the most interesting light to shine on for me this week. Another week I may have picked Jack. Or the mother. Or the child. Or as was originally thought, all of them.
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