I Wish I Could Remember the Other Day
words: 1087
Musical/lyrical inspiration: Sukiyaki by Kyu Sakamoto
words: 1087
Musical/lyrical inspiration: Sukiyaki by Kyu Sakamoto
-
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #184 - "The Beat"
- Thread starter Mike M
- Start date
- Status
Your submission reminded me specifically of On the Road.
Offbeat. (1086 words)
Katie’s dad always walked fast.
‘Did you know,’ Katie said; out of breath. ‘That water is blue?’
‘Is it?’
‘Yeah. You need lots of it to see it properly.’
‘Oh yeah?’ Dad said.
‘Yeah.’
‘Explains some things.’
Before Dad could explain what those things were, his phone rang. ‘Sorry, I have to take this.’
Katie nodded. She scratched her hair. And tuned into her headphones. By the middle of the song she was tapping her feet to the rhythm of the beat.
Dad moved away from the car. Schoolchildren passed on either side so he kept his speech swearing free. ‘Okay,’ he said finally. ‘Worst case scenario?’
‘Nine hundred grand.’
Dad scrunched his face. ‘We can cover that right? If we sell Jen’s lot?’
‘I’m going to say theoretically…’
‘Theoretically is good enough for me right now,’ Dad said, turning to check on his daughter.
Katie was tap dancing.
‘Look my brain’s fried right now..’ Dad said. ‘Can we pick this up later?’
‘I guess. Sure.’
Dad leaned against his car. And watched his daughter tap dance away. ‘Where did you learn to do that Kate?’
‘Youtube.’
‘And you’re not embarrassed or shy about dancing in public?’
‘Yeah well I walk down the road with you, don’t I?’
‘Ha!’
‘No offence. Of course.’
‘None taken.’
‘Like I love you, but I don’t want to be seen in public with you. Know what I mean?’
Dad walked up to her, ruffled her hair, nodded. ‘Want to go on an impromptu trip?’
‘Where to?’
‘The beach?’
‘Where though? The Maldives?’
‘Southend.’
‘Oh…’ Katie said. She shrugged. ‘Sure. Why not?’
In the car, on the way home, she made a list of things she would need for the trip.
‘So this is more like a road trip than anything else,’ Dad said.
‘Yeah, I got that.’
Dad tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. And loosened up his tie. ‘Things er will change a bit.’
Katie shrugged. ‘Cool.’
Dad nodded a few too many times.
‘Is everything okay?’
Dad said nothing. He bit his nail.
By the by the commute finished and Dad went straight to the kitchen. He took out a beer and drank half the content in one go. ‘Fuck.’
Dad emptied the contents into the sink and went to his daughter's room. ‘Katie you ready?’
No reply.
Dad paced about the corridor. ‘Am I ready?’
He walked up the stairs. His phone rang. ‘James not now man. We’ll talk later. I’m going on holiday.’
‘Chris, look, you can’t go away. Board’s convening.’
‘Now?’
‘Of course not now. Monday.’
‘So I have the weekend. So leave me until then.’
‘Chris, man, the revised figures really aren’t doing any favours. You have to come in tonight.’
‘It’s fine. We’ll sell Jen-’
‘Yeah. Already ran those figures. That brings maybe a milion sure. But that doesn’t cover-’
‘No. No. I spoke with Alice. She said-’
‘Alice doesn’t know crap. Has she even seen the revised figures. We’re off by 2.3 million.’
‘No no. You-’
‘Dad… are we going for one week?’
Dad put his phone to his chest. ‘No hun. Just the weekend.’
Dad waited for a reply. Nothing. He breathed in and out a few times then picked up the phone again. ‘Arggh. Fuck.’
‘Fuck is the right word.’
Dad paced his room. Getting in fewer and fewer words. Losing more and more of the gist of the conversation. The figures kept mounting. By the end of the conversation, he barely talked about the future of the company. Treading instead on how he founded the company.
‘How is that relevant Chris?’
Dad rattled on some more.
Katie knocked on the door.
‘Yes?’
‘Ready.’
‘Okay er wait a bit. I’m nearly done here.’
Katie nodded. She went and sat in the corridor.
Dad looked at his phone. He looked down then out the bedroom windows. A teenager was skating along. Carefree amidst the fading day.
As his business partner droned on and on, dad felt more and more blood rushing out of his head. ‘I’m not coming in James. I’m not feeling so right.’
‘Chris you fucking numbskull. I’ve got a fucking migraine. And If I’m coming in. So the fuck are you.’
Dad pulled at his hair. ‘Fuck off James.’ He cut the phone line. And switched the phone off. He sat on the bed. And closed his eyes.
Katie knocked on the door. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Just give me a minute.’
'Cool.’
Dad took three deep breaths. ‘Ah fuck this. Never works for me.’
He opened the door. ‘Alright let’s go.’
‘You haven’t changed.’
‘I don’t need to. Doesn’t matter.’
‘Where’s your suitcase?’
‘I’ll buy something on the road. Don’t worry about it.’
‘Why would you want to do that?’
‘Katie let’s just go.’
‘Dad. Just go put the kettle on. I’ll pack.’
‘Everything is okay Katie. Just go sit in the car honey. I’ll be right out.’
‘Dad.’
‘What?’
‘Go put the kettle on. I’ll pack.’
Dad threw his hands up in the air. ‘Yeah. Okay. Cool.’
The house phone rang. He picked it up. ‘Jessica.’
‘Hey. So you weren’t picking up your phone so.’
‘Sorry. Just work. Shit’s er not going so well. Erm yeah.’
‘Oh. Why? What happened?’
‘I thought it was bad. But I didn’t think it was this bad. And-’
‘What’s bad exactly?’
‘My life.’
‘No. I mean work wise.’
‘Oh God. Don’t get me started. Work is just…’
Katie wheeled out the suitcase. ‘Did you make tea?’
‘We’ll just get it on the road. Can you do me a favour and go wait in the car for a second. I’ll just finish this call. I’ll be right.’
Katie bit her lip. ‘Dad.’
‘Yes.’
‘Stop.’
‘Stop what?’
Katie shrugged. ‘Losing your shit.’
‘I’m not. I’m not losing.’
Katie picked up Dad’s phone. ‘Hi. I’m guessing you’re somebody important at work. Dad’ll call you back. We’ve got a family emergency.’
‘Hey. Who am I speaking to?’
‘Katie. His daughter.’
‘Oh. Okay. I’m not from work. I’m actually a friend.’
‘Ah okay. So sorry to be rude, but we’ve got to go.’
‘If you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go,’ Jessica said.
‘Right.’
‘It was nice to finally meet you.’
‘Was it?’ Katie asked. ‘Okay. Erm yeah. Bye bye.’
Kate put the phone down. She folded her hands and stared at her dad. ‘Dad. I’m 13 years old. I’m not a kid anymore. So just tell me stuff. What’s happening?’
Dad shook his head. ‘Don’t worry about it honey. Everything is fine and dandy.’
Katie’s dad always walked fast.
‘Did you know,’ Katie said; out of breath. ‘That water is blue?’
‘Is it?’
‘Yeah. You need lots of it to see it properly.’
‘Oh yeah?’ Dad said.
‘Yeah.’
‘Explains some things.’
Before Dad could explain what those things were, his phone rang. ‘Sorry, I have to take this.’
Katie nodded. She scratched her hair. And tuned into her headphones. By the middle of the song she was tapping her feet to the rhythm of the beat.
Dad moved away from the car. Schoolchildren passed on either side so he kept his speech swearing free. ‘Okay,’ he said finally. ‘Worst case scenario?’
‘Nine hundred grand.’
Dad scrunched his face. ‘We can cover that right? If we sell Jen’s lot?’
‘I’m going to say theoretically…’
‘Theoretically is good enough for me right now,’ Dad said, turning to check on his daughter.
Katie was tap dancing.
‘Look my brain’s fried right now..’ Dad said. ‘Can we pick this up later?’
‘I guess. Sure.’
Dad leaned against his car. And watched his daughter tap dance away. ‘Where did you learn to do that Kate?’
‘Youtube.’
‘And you’re not embarrassed or shy about dancing in public?’
‘Yeah well I walk down the road with you, don’t I?’
‘Ha!’
‘No offence. Of course.’
‘None taken.’
‘Like I love you, but I don’t want to be seen in public with you. Know what I mean?’
Dad walked up to her, ruffled her hair, nodded. ‘Want to go on an impromptu trip?’
‘Where to?’
‘The beach?’
‘Where though? The Maldives?’
‘Southend.’
‘Oh…’ Katie said. She shrugged. ‘Sure. Why not?’
In the car, on the way home, she made a list of things she would need for the trip.
‘So this is more like a road trip than anything else,’ Dad said.
‘Yeah, I got that.’
Dad tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. And loosened up his tie. ‘Things er will change a bit.’
Katie shrugged. ‘Cool.’
Dad nodded a few too many times.
‘Is everything okay?’
Dad said nothing. He bit his nail.
By the by the commute finished and Dad went straight to the kitchen. He took out a beer and drank half the content in one go. ‘Fuck.’
Dad emptied the contents into the sink and went to his daughter's room. ‘Katie you ready?’
No reply.
Dad paced about the corridor. ‘Am I ready?’
He walked up the stairs. His phone rang. ‘James not now man. We’ll talk later. I’m going on holiday.’
‘Chris, look, you can’t go away. Board’s convening.’
‘Now?’
‘Of course not now. Monday.’
‘So I have the weekend. So leave me until then.’
‘Chris, man, the revised figures really aren’t doing any favours. You have to come in tonight.’
‘It’s fine. We’ll sell Jen-’
‘Yeah. Already ran those figures. That brings maybe a milion sure. But that doesn’t cover-’
‘No. No. I spoke with Alice. She said-’
‘Alice doesn’t know crap. Has she even seen the revised figures. We’re off by 2.3 million.’
‘No no. You-’
‘Dad… are we going for one week?’
Dad put his phone to his chest. ‘No hun. Just the weekend.’
Dad waited for a reply. Nothing. He breathed in and out a few times then picked up the phone again. ‘Arggh. Fuck.’
‘Fuck is the right word.’
Dad paced his room. Getting in fewer and fewer words. Losing more and more of the gist of the conversation. The figures kept mounting. By the end of the conversation, he barely talked about the future of the company. Treading instead on how he founded the company.
‘How is that relevant Chris?’
Dad rattled on some more.
Katie knocked on the door.
‘Yes?’
‘Ready.’
‘Okay er wait a bit. I’m nearly done here.’
Katie nodded. She went and sat in the corridor.
Dad looked at his phone. He looked down then out the bedroom windows. A teenager was skating along. Carefree amidst the fading day.
As his business partner droned on and on, dad felt more and more blood rushing out of his head. ‘I’m not coming in James. I’m not feeling so right.’
‘Chris you fucking numbskull. I’ve got a fucking migraine. And If I’m coming in. So the fuck are you.’
Dad pulled at his hair. ‘Fuck off James.’ He cut the phone line. And switched the phone off. He sat on the bed. And closed his eyes.
Katie knocked on the door. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Just give me a minute.’
'Cool.’
Dad took three deep breaths. ‘Ah fuck this. Never works for me.’
He opened the door. ‘Alright let’s go.’
‘You haven’t changed.’
‘I don’t need to. Doesn’t matter.’
‘Where’s your suitcase?’
‘I’ll buy something on the road. Don’t worry about it.’
‘Why would you want to do that?’
‘Katie let’s just go.’
‘Dad. Just go put the kettle on. I’ll pack.’
‘Everything is okay Katie. Just go sit in the car honey. I’ll be right out.’
‘Dad.’
‘What?’
‘Go put the kettle on. I’ll pack.’
Dad threw his hands up in the air. ‘Yeah. Okay. Cool.’
The house phone rang. He picked it up. ‘Jessica.’
‘Hey. So you weren’t picking up your phone so.’
‘Sorry. Just work. Shit’s er not going so well. Erm yeah.’
‘Oh. Why? What happened?’
‘I thought it was bad. But I didn’t think it was this bad. And-’
‘What’s bad exactly?’
‘My life.’
‘No. I mean work wise.’
‘Oh God. Don’t get me started. Work is just…’
Katie wheeled out the suitcase. ‘Did you make tea?’
‘We’ll just get it on the road. Can you do me a favour and go wait in the car for a second. I’ll just finish this call. I’ll be right.’
Katie bit her lip. ‘Dad.’
‘Yes.’
‘Stop.’
‘Stop what?’
Katie shrugged. ‘Losing your shit.’
‘I’m not. I’m not losing.’
Katie picked up Dad’s phone. ‘Hi. I’m guessing you’re somebody important at work. Dad’ll call you back. We’ve got a family emergency.’
‘Hey. Who am I speaking to?’
‘Katie. His daughter.’
‘Oh. Okay. I’m not from work. I’m actually a friend.’
‘Ah okay. So sorry to be rude, but we’ve got to go.’
‘If you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go,’ Jessica said.
‘Right.’
‘It was nice to finally meet you.’
‘Was it?’ Katie asked. ‘Okay. Erm yeah. Bye bye.’
Kate put the phone down. She folded her hands and stared at her dad. ‘Dad. I’m 13 years old. I’m not a kid anymore. So just tell me stuff. What’s happening?’
Dad shook his head. ‘Don’t worry about it honey. Everything is fine and dandy.’
Some of you are lucky I didn't tally up all the entries when I randomly woke up at 3 am.
Crunched: Hunger
MilkBeard: Memory, Trees & Maple Leaves
mu cephei: Swift
Tangent: Lost in Searching
FlowersisBritish: Run Outta Town
Mike M: Drums of the Trireme
Nezumi: Ennocini's World of Birds
Cyan: Ripples in the Pond
Dandy Crocodile: The Chumbawamba Effect
Ward: I Wish I Could Remember the Other Day
Ashes: Offbeat
Crunched: Hunger
MilkBeard: Memory, Trees & Maple Leaves
mu cephei: Swift
Tangent: Lost in Searching
FlowersisBritish: Run Outta Town
Mike M: Drums of the Trireme
Nezumi: Ennocini's World of Birds
Cyan: Ripples in the Pond
Dandy Crocodile: The Chumbawamba Effect
Ward: I Wish I Could Remember the Other Day
Ashes: Offbeat
At least this time I made it before the end of the grace period...
Seems like I might have fucked up? The OP says the deadline is Friday, March 12th. Unless I'm missing something huge, yesterday was Friday, but today is March 12. I've been thinking of the date instead of the day and I've had the idea that I could still finish the rest of my submission this evening. Did anyone else think that? I'd really like to enter, but I wouldn't want to make everyone else wait an extra day. Not sure what to do.
Op done fucked up.
But let me get this straight. Instead of asking about the discrepancy, you thought we'd do something different to last round? And instead of playing it safe and going by Friday's end, you looked at the 12th, and went by that? I totally blame Mike for this. And think you should be allowed to enter.
edit: Hardly anybody finishes reading by the first day. And if people do read by the first day's end, people don't seem to show it all that much.
But let me get this straight. Instead of asking about the discrepancy, you thought we'd do something different to last round? And instead of playing it safe and going by Friday's end, you looked at the 12th, and went by that? I totally blame Mike for this. And think you should be allowed to enter.
edit: Hardly anybody finishes reading by the first day. And if people do read by the first day's end, people don't seem to show it all that much.
Nope, I'm an idiot and never noticed the discrepancy until now. I just saw the OP when it came out, wrote down the 12th on my workshopping document and I've only been thinking about that number until now. I should have caught it, so I won't have any hard feelings if the consensus or Mike's decision isn't to wait.
It's up to Mike, I guess? I'll read it if I have time.
Post up what you got. Folks might read it even if it ends up being ineligible. Anyone worth their salt has entered ineligible entries. Some of us actively dislike winning.
I'll post it tonight once I've finished it. If it's valid or not isn't a big deal, I just hope people can actually read it so maybe a few can tell me what they think. If it were my call, I'd say people can vote now or whenever they like and maybe Mike could add mine to the list once it's done and people could choose whether to read and do what they want with it later, but I'm cool with whatever as long as I can get some sort of feedback so I can keep improving. Sorry if it's any trouble.
Oh jeez. I am a total dummy. I blame 4AM brain. Somehow I thought I'd squeezed in just at the word limit and never double-checked the actual number. >_<
Oh well.
Thanks.
Oh crap. You done fucked up too cyan. But since it's your birthday, maybe Mike should give you special consideration, and you know, not allow your entry to be eligible to win. So you too can learn that life is disappointing.
We've always been stricter on the word limit than the timing, so yeah I'm just assuming it's ineligible. Not a big deal.
It wasn't gonna win anyway.
I think the problem you are having is that to you, it is all very real and near.
I have the luxury of being thousands of miles away. We can't incite violence or be outright racist via hate speech, at our political rallies - it actually is an arrestable offence. So I find it very interesting to see how far a madman is willing to go, and how little thought is actually occuring in the minds of the baying crowds.
Well, here I go again! I managed to find even less time than I thought I'd have to write this one. When I realized I'd only have a couple hours even tonight, I figured fuck it and just let it run long, so it turns out I'm ineligible regardless. Still, I think I'll improve on it later and I'm glad to have something to put out and get anyone's thoughts on if they feel like it. This is the bare-bones, first (very very) rough draft, but I'm glad it's something.
3118 words, 1 day too late, and over 100 exclamation points.
A Loaded Gun VS The Beat
Can you guess the musical inspiration? Spoilers:
3118 words, 1 day too late, and over 100 exclamation points.
A Loaded Gun VS The Beat
Can you guess the musical inspiration? Spoilers:
I went fucking nuts with the theme and objective. I just felt like it because I'm a maniac. Most variations of the definition of 'beat' are used; the story takes place in a loud club with major plot points tied to the music, the subversion of a usual heist involving plainly beating people up (masked by a beat), one of the main characters is a beat cop, etc. The specific music I modeled things after was Daft Punk's Discovery album, particularly taking the motif of Harder Better Faster Stronger's suggestion and then completion of phrase in its lyrics and using it to model a heist story's discrepancy between the elements of the plan vs what actually happens. Lastly, it takes place shortly after the album came out and the text includes 'one more time', 'nightvision', 'aerodynamic', 'high life', 'something about us', 'short circuit', 'face to face', and 'too long', which were all tracks from the album. It was all very stupid and I don't know what compelled me to do it, but here we are.
Oh crap. You done fucked up too cyan. But since it's your birthday, maybe Mike should give you special consideration, and you know, not allow your entry to be eligible to win. So you too can learn that life is disappointing.
I still remember when I suggested cutting someone a little slack regarding the word limit. It was turned down "very" vehemently. So I didn't even dare suggest it this time. But I guess now that we have another story that goes over it would just open up a whole new can of worms...
And yeah, this whole Trump thing is really bizarre to watch from this side of the Atlantic. It's funny how he can make the craziest of our politicians look like sane and rational people. Most of them anyway. Sadly, this whole refugee situation has played nicely into the hands of the right wing's narrative.
1. Mike M. By turns depressing, downright nasty, and chilling.
2. Crunched. My notes for this just say 'Ew'.
3. MilkBeard. This had some really amazing observations.
HM: Tangent. I just love the idea of this.
HM: Ashes. Great portrayal of stress.
I spent far far too long trying to decide between those five, and in what order. Any of them could have been any position, really.
feedback:
The Chumbawumba Effect by Dandy Crocodile Starting out with a shopping list is an eccentric choice! Another food-centric story, after the alien communication story. It played out quite nicely, though I didn’t get why he suddenly had to go home at her not knowing the name of/ hearing Tubthumping. If there is some connection between the liking but not knowing they know Tubthumping, and their relationship, it was too obscure for me. I think this was just too light a story to have an impact, because there isn’t much to fault in it.
Ripples in the Pond by Cyan It’s hilarious that you actually wrote spaceships with calling out magic attacks. The names of the attacks are great. Maybe it took a little long for what the attacks actually do to be explained. I think the steady pace this is written at makes it less exciting than it could be. After the attack, it doesn’t feel as frantic as maybe it should. It was a bit like those films where the killer/ fire/ whatever is about to kill people and they’re standing around exchanging words of love. Also, wouldn’t they know that you need to respect who you work with? It seems a pretty established, routine system. Nice ending.
Ennocini’s World of Birds by Nezumi If this event happens every day, I wonder why it’s still seen as so special. Everyday events become mundane. It was a nice story, beautifully written, but, along with the ‘every day’ thing, it was just a bit too slight.
Drums of the Trireme by Mike M I like the creation of atmosphere. Their enforcement of the system is great, the explanation chilling. The depiction of how cruelty begets cruelty was good.
Run Outta Town by FlowersisBritish Also thought this was pretty atmospheric. It was an interesting set up and story, though the telling of it was a little jerky. I do like how you don’t pander to the reader, but sometimes I find it a little difficult to get my bearings in your stories, and am left a bit nonplussed at the ending. I think in this case, I didn’t feel much of a stake to the story.
Lost in Searching by Tangent Very nice. I love the idea - the profound effect of seeing (hearing) the Earth from outer space. Quite moving. Probably I *did* find the monk cliché, it would be nice if Pierre found another way to get his answers (unless there was a point to it I missed).
Memory, Trees & Maple Leaves by MilkBeard Very good start, then loses me in places, then wins me back. Some really really great observations. (this challenge made me nostalgic and think of memories as well).
Hunger by Crunched Ew. I interpreted this as a kind of parable about enabling. It was well done.
A Loaded Gun VS The Beat by felon (a bit longer as you posted specifically for feedback, sorry if it's a bit brusk) I think there’s too much explaining. Also, it shouldn’t be first person, the stuff with Jake and Temp made no sense because of that. All the extra bits that are explained in your post might have been great fun to do, but it didn’t have any meaning for me.
You evidently wanted to avoid using the word ‘said’- there is a run of: affirmed, mocked, retorted, spoke up, pleaded, dismissed, snorted, offered, interjected, scoffed, blustered, challenged. Then, the next run of conversation does exactly the same. I think that doesn’t read well at all. There’s nothing wrong with ‘said’.
I think the main issue with this was that the interest came in how it went wrong, and that wasn’t a big part of the story. Also, maybe there were too many characters, I couldn’t get the hang of all of them.
It was pretty entertaining in places, the club scene and some of the character interactions were fun.
I Wish I Could Remember The Other Day by Ward I enjoyed these snippets a lot, you pack a big punch into a small space. I’m afraid I’m too dense to see what connection you were going for (perhaps it was connected to the song?)
Offbeat by AshesThat was depressing. Great portrayal of stress.
2. Crunched. My notes for this just say 'Ew'.
3. MilkBeard. This had some really amazing observations.
HM: Tangent. I just love the idea of this.
HM: Ashes. Great portrayal of stress.
I spent far far too long trying to decide between those five, and in what order. Any of them could have been any position, really.
feedback:
The Chumbawumba Effect by Dandy Crocodile Starting out with a shopping list is an eccentric choice! Another food-centric story, after the alien communication story. It played out quite nicely, though I didn’t get why he suddenly had to go home at her not knowing the name of/ hearing Tubthumping. If there is some connection between the liking but not knowing they know Tubthumping, and their relationship, it was too obscure for me. I think this was just too light a story to have an impact, because there isn’t much to fault in it.
Ripples in the Pond by Cyan It’s hilarious that you actually wrote spaceships with calling out magic attacks. The names of the attacks are great. Maybe it took a little long for what the attacks actually do to be explained. I think the steady pace this is written at makes it less exciting than it could be. After the attack, it doesn’t feel as frantic as maybe it should. It was a bit like those films where the killer/ fire/ whatever is about to kill people and they’re standing around exchanging words of love. Also, wouldn’t they know that you need to respect who you work with? It seems a pretty established, routine system. Nice ending.
Ennocini’s World of Birds by Nezumi If this event happens every day, I wonder why it’s still seen as so special. Everyday events become mundane. It was a nice story, beautifully written, but, along with the ‘every day’ thing, it was just a bit too slight.
Drums of the Trireme by Mike M I like the creation of atmosphere. Their enforcement of the system is great, the explanation chilling. The depiction of how cruelty begets cruelty was good.
Run Outta Town by FlowersisBritish Also thought this was pretty atmospheric. It was an interesting set up and story, though the telling of it was a little jerky. I do like how you don’t pander to the reader, but sometimes I find it a little difficult to get my bearings in your stories, and am left a bit nonplussed at the ending. I think in this case, I didn’t feel much of a stake to the story.
Lost in Searching by Tangent Very nice. I love the idea - the profound effect of seeing (hearing) the Earth from outer space. Quite moving. Probably I *did* find the monk cliché, it would be nice if Pierre found another way to get his answers (unless there was a point to it I missed).
Memory, Trees & Maple Leaves by MilkBeard Very good start, then loses me in places, then wins me back. Some really really great observations. (this challenge made me nostalgic and think of memories as well).
Hunger by Crunched Ew. I interpreted this as a kind of parable about enabling. It was well done.
A Loaded Gun VS The Beat by felon (a bit longer as you posted specifically for feedback, sorry if it's a bit brusk) I think there’s too much explaining. Also, it shouldn’t be first person, the stuff with Jake and Temp made no sense because of that. All the extra bits that are explained in your post might have been great fun to do, but it didn’t have any meaning for me.
You evidently wanted to avoid using the word ‘said’- there is a run of: affirmed, mocked, retorted, spoke up, pleaded, dismissed, snorted, offered, interjected, scoffed, blustered, challenged. Then, the next run of conversation does exactly the same. I think that doesn’t read well at all. There’s nothing wrong with ‘said’.
I think the main issue with this was that the interest came in how it went wrong, and that wasn’t a big part of the story. Also, maybe there were too many characters, I couldn’t get the hang of all of them.
It was pretty entertaining in places, the club scene and some of the character interactions were fun.
I Wish I Could Remember The Other Day by Ward I enjoyed these snippets a lot, you pack a big punch into a small space. I’m afraid I’m too dense to see what connection you were going for (perhaps it was connected to the song?)
Offbeat by AshesThat was depressing. Great portrayal of stress.
- Crunched: Well this certainly did not go where I was anticipating at first blush. It had a decided mythological bent to it insofar that much of it exceeded the realms of possibility or believability but was related to the reader as though everything were a perfectly normal series of events (e.g. Cronus eating his children, only to be given a shot of ipecac and vomit them out fully grown some 20 years later). I, personally, love myths, and I liked this, but Im wondering if it worked overall. The opening is so prosaic compared to the outcome, that even if it sets up everything that follows, it still feels out of place. One thing that did stick out to me was that Franks gluttonous binge started at night with the spaghetti, then Myrna made him a whole bunch of stuff (cake is made from batter, not dough, BTW), and then we get to By now it was night. If there was the passage of days, it didnt come across. It certainly would have been reasonable to infer that from the amount of time that would go into making all that food, but as I stated earlier, we were well and truly established in a story of mythic abilities, so I didnt take it as granted.
- MilkBeard: Heeeeey, I know some of these bands! My favorite part of this was the bit about the break-up being the same old story but involves going on a cross-country trip with strangers. Wondrously written, which makes me acutely aware of how unlyrical my own autobiographical entries have been over the years. Which is fine by me, since I dont aspire to be considered a great literary mind. It was a good read and a well-spun vignette. It doesnt meet the criteria for what I would call a story (conflict, resolution, etc.), but its a Creative Writing Challenge not a Short Story Challenge. Makes me wish I could do more with my shitty website that I never update because I never have anything interesting to say.
- mu cephei: Awwww yeaaaaah, spaceships! Going back and reading your explanation after I had already read it did a great deal in helping me enjoy it all the more (since I love myths, fairy tales, fables, etc.), but I walked away wishing that the explanation wasnt necessary. It is near perfectly in lockstep with the story beats of The Nightingale, but everything feels incredibly rushed, likely owing to the fact that the original text is nearly twice as long as this one. Retelling of fairy tales can be a difficult tight rope to walk, and it isnt well-served by draconian word limits.
- Tangent: I struggle to reconcile the depth and extent of Pierres apathy with him being smitten with Sophia and seeking a way to make his heart beat again. The very fact that he was so deeply in love with her and was able to enjoy all these experiences lays at odds with either the effects of his heart not beating, as it seemed that the point of his journey was to find a way to restart the beating of his heart so he could enjoy things again. The fact that Sophia even points this out just makes me question it all the more, by all apparent information the primary motivations for seeking to restart his heart is completely moot. The absence of a heart equaling the absence of emotion and the subsequent quest to reclaim it is not unknown to folklore and such, but this was undermined from near the outset.
- FlowersisBritish: I liked the setting, but I cant help but wonder if thats piggybacking on the prominence of The Revenant and its mindshare of bleak winter hellscapes. This was pretty middle-of-the road for me, otherwise. Outside of a few typos in there, it wasnt particularly bad, but it didnt rock my world, either. It was just kinda there. It would have served as a resolution to the story of everything that befell those men before we see them at the outset of this, but as it stood we just didnt spend enough time with these characters and get to know them well enough for me to particularly care about their fates.
- Mike M: This one was inspired by Tom Waitss Misery Is the River of the World, which is a weird-ass song that I wasnt familiar with until I heard it in the background of one of the recent X-Files episodes. Originally I had wanted to fit in more imagery from the song (specifically something involving a thimble and a thistle), but I ran into the dual problems of not being able to do it without being really contrived, and doing it within the word count limit. So it got scaled back to mostly stuff the first verse (The higher the monkey can climb, the more you can see its tail. Call no man happy till hes dead, theres no milk at the bottom of the pail.) and the Everybody row of the end. The end result without trying to work the lyrics into the story was... bleak. I was kind of outside my comfort zone on this one, as even when I go dark, its not usually to this degree.
- Nezumi: So, uh, at any point does he actually sell birds? Heh. A cute little story, even if the moral being some variation of dont judge a book by its cover is one of the most well-worn in existence. I couldnt help but picture something out of a Harry Potter movie and the guy who sells wands playing the flute, but the image does call into question the time period that this is supposed to take place in. My horrible US-centric view takes any mention of cobblestone streets and immediately pictures something in the US or Europe in the 1800s at the absolute latest, which left me wondering how someone besides the very wealthy would have macaw parrots and parakeets around. But thats the fault of my own preconceptions.
- Dandy Crocodile: Wait. Wait wait wait wait. Its Chumbawamba, not Chumbuwamba? The fuck is this? The fuck is this, Dandy? Next youre going to tell me that the Berenstein Bears are spelledOH GOD DAMN IT! Anyway, surely there must be songs that predate Tubthumping that would fit the description of this phenomenon, right? I feel like the song is supposed to have greater significance than Im getting here, unless its some sort of metaphor for their relationship in 98/99/whenever that song was around. I liked the near Seinfeldian bit with the celery, and again I got the impression that you were shooting for something similar with the song, but it didnt come together for me. The fact that Kate and the narrator had a previous relationship wasnt obvious until it was explicitly stated (well, at least not for me), and then Kate spent the majority of the time after that revelation in the bathroom, so we didnt have any time to understand why he abruptly gets up and leaves her there. Clearly theres an underlying causation, but I wasnt familiar with the characters to sift it out.
- Ward: I have to confess that if there was a narrative thread linking these disparate events, I didnt catch it. Sadly, the song didnt impart any more enlightenment.
- Ashes: Even without knowing the exact nature of the dads problems at work, it still managed to press a bunch of my anxiety buttons. More like slapped an open palm down on all my anxiety buttons. Work, fatherhood, and being an adult in general just causes me a lot of anxiety.
Destructors of the word count:
- Cyan: I keep telling you people, math is hard. As are dates. And numbers. Its all math, man. Also, holy hell, I didnt think you were really going to do spaceships and anime super move shit. You kinda almost pulled it off, maybe? While Im sure that somewhere in the vast repository of science fiction there has been something where ships do battle by manifestations of metaphysical mystic mental energy (alliterative!), its new to me outside of the usual suspects in anime where giant galaxy-spanning robots are powered by manliness or whatever. Wish it was more than window dressing for the value of teamwork.
- felon: Well I was reading it, but then I came back to the file and you'd pulled it : )
This was a hard week to pick winners on.
Votes:
1. MilkBeard
2. Crunched
3. Nezumi
Dandy Crocodile
Member
A lot of classical music falls under the shadows of the Chumbawamba Effect but it just doesn't have the same ring.
I admit I definitely thought it was Chumbawumba before writing this though.
I admit I definitely thought it was Chumbawumba before writing this though.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Crunched: Clearly metaphorical, and in that sense it does capture the one sided self-sacrifice well. Though, in stories like these I always wonder how they met. There's always such focus on how abusive couples self-destruct, but rarely we see the beginnings when it was just simple romance.
Milky- Really inconsistant narration for me. They go from confident and knowledgeable(telling you facts like the name of the band) to less confident as they ask questions they don't have the answers to, to assuming you know the information already. It makes it difficult to know who exactly they're speaking to. I do think it was clever, and did enjoy a lot of parts of it, just wish I knew who exactly they were talking to.
Mu Cephei; I feel there should have been a bit more of the sentient ship, it's forgiveness is the big thing in the story, but I didn't get enough information on it or idea to really feel an impact. It was was close, but not quite. I did find the basic plot pretty interesting though, and i think you gave the MC a good deal of attention to make me want to read of him.
Tangent, what a treat. I couldn't see where it was going and I really liked that. In return, you took me on a nice little journey that I couldn't help but love. I was recently in a very foul mood, but this kind o lifted my spirits in a way. So, thank you.
Flowersisme: I did a small little kindness the other day. My day was terrible and thought "why not try and salvage something of it" The woman started to cry. She had been through a lot more terrible things than me, and I guess a free muffin was just a little too much? I don't know, i don't even think she thanked me? I think she wanted to get away before i could see the tears. The story is fine, though, now atleast, I don't particularly like it. It's kind of become a symbol of all my self-imposed walls I can't seem to climb, both distant yet close.
Mike{Very dark, but you do a lot of subtle world building through out that gives me a good enough idea to know how all the pieces work together. As a death myth, it's pretty neat and I do like the idea of there being multiple boats along the river. It adds a lot of depth to the world knowing it's a little bigger than that place. Though, I found the big speech at the end a little preachy and blunt.}
Nezumi | Very in the moment and I think that's great about it. I think my favorite thing was how there was only a bit of dialogue at the end, and all fo the story was just the moment of song. Really helps I was listening to some peaceful beats, made it feel more mystical by proximity.
Cyan- over the word count? Dead to me...(for now)
DandyCrocodile= Who needs that much celery. I get a lot, but an entire stores supply? It was a fun little twist, but still! A lot of things worked for me, like the Chumbawa effect, and the celery thing. I felt like the conflict with Kate just kind of appeared and resolved itself suddenly though?
Ward I think the writing was good in this overall, but I didn't really get how each section was interconnected besides a few slick transitions in ideas.
Ashes: I'm not in a good place to read this mostly because I am also having money troubles and also because it's tough for me to not feel a subconscious 'grrr' at anyone who's even seen a million dollars. Though, it does capture the stress of it, but the daughter helps even it out, which might be a saving grace of the story for me, otherwise I would have just stopped reading from the reminder of my own stress.
Felon: something something the aristocrats
Votes
1. Tangent
2. DandyCroc
3. Crunched
Milky- Really inconsistant narration for me. They go from confident and knowledgeable(telling you facts like the name of the band) to less confident as they ask questions they don't have the answers to, to assuming you know the information already. It makes it difficult to know who exactly they're speaking to. I do think it was clever, and did enjoy a lot of parts of it, just wish I knew who exactly they were talking to.
Mu Cephei; I feel there should have been a bit more of the sentient ship, it's forgiveness is the big thing in the story, but I didn't get enough information on it or idea to really feel an impact. It was was close, but not quite. I did find the basic plot pretty interesting though, and i think you gave the MC a good deal of attention to make me want to read of him.
Tangent, what a treat. I couldn't see where it was going and I really liked that. In return, you took me on a nice little journey that I couldn't help but love. I was recently in a very foul mood, but this kind o lifted my spirits in a way. So, thank you.
Flowersisme: I did a small little kindness the other day. My day was terrible and thought "why not try and salvage something of it" The woman started to cry. She had been through a lot more terrible things than me, and I guess a free muffin was just a little too much? I don't know, i don't even think she thanked me? I think she wanted to get away before i could see the tears. The story is fine, though, now atleast, I don't particularly like it. It's kind of become a symbol of all my self-imposed walls I can't seem to climb, both distant yet close.
Mike{Very dark, but you do a lot of subtle world building through out that gives me a good enough idea to know how all the pieces work together. As a death myth, it's pretty neat and I do like the idea of there being multiple boats along the river. It adds a lot of depth to the world knowing it's a little bigger than that place. Though, I found the big speech at the end a little preachy and blunt.}
Nezumi | Very in the moment and I think that's great about it. I think my favorite thing was how there was only a bit of dialogue at the end, and all fo the story was just the moment of song. Really helps I was listening to some peaceful beats, made it feel more mystical by proximity.
Cyan- over the word count? Dead to me...(for now)
DandyCrocodile= Who needs that much celery. I get a lot, but an entire stores supply? It was a fun little twist, but still! A lot of things worked for me, like the Chumbawa effect, and the celery thing. I felt like the conflict with Kate just kind of appeared and resolved itself suddenly though?
Ward I think the writing was good in this overall, but I didn't really get how each section was interconnected besides a few slick transitions in ideas.
Ashes: I'm not in a good place to read this mostly because I am also having money troubles and also because it's tough for me to not feel a subconscious 'grrr' at anyone who's even seen a million dollars. Though, it does capture the stress of it, but the daughter helps even it out, which might be a saving grace of the story for me, otherwise I would have just stopped reading from the reminder of my own stress.
Felon: something something the aristocrats
Votes
1. Tangent
2. DandyCroc
3. Crunched
All the encouragement I need. Now all my stories will be this.
Lol. Anime all day errday.
A bit tired, so I will just vote. If anyone wants to hear another opinion on their story, pm me.
1) Mike M - the details of the story really pulled me in. And the whole idea of death and the afterlife, and in this it seemed that this hell was human-made were all very intriguing ideas to me. I got a really good sense of the river, the boat, the oppressive situation and the grim tone. However, it didn't at all feel contrived or melodramatic. I enjoyed how this story could fit with a number of mythologies, and yet, it doesn't seem to limit itself to any in particular.
2) Nezumi - This story almost feels like an evolution of your previous story. A slightly similar idea, about playing music with another being and connecting. The twist at the end, about the bird being 'shy' when seen was a nice little twist.
3) Crunched- a simple story, and one that is visually gruesome and metaphoric. The intensely visual descriptions are what made it stand out to me. I felt disgusted, and yet interested and entertained at the same time.
H.M.- Ashes - This is a good, simple story and demonstrates the art of holding back some information, which plays to the story's benefit. I actually wouldn't have minded to read a bit more detail in some places, though.
1) Mike M - the details of the story really pulled me in. And the whole idea of death and the afterlife, and in this it seemed that this hell was human-made were all very intriguing ideas to me. I got a really good sense of the river, the boat, the oppressive situation and the grim tone. However, it didn't at all feel contrived or melodramatic. I enjoyed how this story could fit with a number of mythologies, and yet, it doesn't seem to limit itself to any in particular.
2) Nezumi - This story almost feels like an evolution of your previous story. A slightly similar idea, about playing music with another being and connecting. The twist at the end, about the bird being 'shy' when seen was a nice little twist.
3) Crunched- a simple story, and one that is visually gruesome and metaphoric. The intensely visual descriptions are what made it stand out to me. I felt disgusted, and yet interested and entertained at the same time.
H.M.- Ashes - This is a good, simple story and demonstrates the art of holding back some information, which plays to the story's benefit. I actually wouldn't have minded to read a bit more detail in some places, though.
1. Mike M - I didn't like this one. Made me uncomfortable. I feel I have to rank it because of the impact it had on me, but I do not ever want to revisit it. It is dispiriting in its oppressiveness.
2. MilkBeard - it's my years just out of high school, dear lord. Almost exhilarating because of the memories it drudges. A little meandering. Frame probably not necessary. It had a physical effect on me, for some reason brought some things I haven't thought about in a long time back to the surface. Revisited some old favorite songs after reading. (Like I said, check out Kerouac, there are some similarities you might find interesting.)
3. Nezumi - I thought this could have been even shorter, but I liked the progression and the ending. Might be opened up a little bit with more colorful language about the song, the effect it has on those listening.
2. MilkBeard - it's my years just out of high school, dear lord. Almost exhilarating because of the memories it drudges. A little meandering. Frame probably not necessary. It had a physical effect on me, for some reason brought some things I haven't thought about in a long time back to the surface. Revisited some old favorite songs after reading. (Like I said, check out Kerouac, there are some similarities you might find interesting.)
3. Nezumi - I thought this could have been even shorter, but I liked the progression and the ending. Might be opened up a little bit with more colorful language about the song, the effect it has on those listening.
High praise!
Yeah, it's undeniable that it's a well written story. The subject matter didn't bother me too much, but then again, I'm fascinated by this kind of stuff.
1. Mike M: Drums of the Trireme - the speech at the end was way too on the nose. Otherwise this was awful. Clean this up and send it out.
2. Crunched: Hunger - somehow this was less disturbing than one of the other stories this time around. Good shit.
3. Tangent: Lost in Searching - this went somewhere totally unexpected (the moon!) and I loved that.
2. Crunched: Hunger - somehow this was less disturbing than one of the other stories this time around. Good shit.
3. Tangent: Lost in Searching - this went somewhere totally unexpected (the moon!) and I loved that.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
1.) Tangent
2.) Mike M
3.) Nezumi
HM.) Cyan
Very light voting post from me this round. Stuck on mobile and I'm lazy.
2.) Mike M
3.) Nezumi
HM.) Cyan
Very light voting post from me this round. Stuck on mobile and I'm lazy.
Votes:
1. MilkBeard
2. Nezumi
3. MikeM <---- that was jarring!
hm. Crunched
I literally just finished reading and haven't read the ones that were over the limit, hope that's OK. I do want to though, so I'll try to read them later today. Gotta head to work, so sorry, no feedback....again. Boo.
1. MilkBeard
2. Nezumi
3. MikeM <---- that was jarring!
hm. Crunched
I literally just finished reading and haven't read the ones that were over the limit, hope that's OK. I do want to though, so I'll try to read them later today. Gotta head to work, so sorry, no feedback....again. Boo.
Voting time is over!
1.) Mike M - Drums of the Trireme
2.) Tangent - Lost in Searching
2.) Milk Beard - Memory, Trees & Maple Leaves
Vote Count
Mike M - 15 (4)
MilkBeard - 10 (2)
Tangent - 10 (2)
Crunched - 10
Nezumi - 7
Dandy Crocodile - 2
Congrats to the second victory in a row Mike!
1.) Mike M - Drums of the Trireme
2.) Tangent - Lost in Searching
2.) Milk Beard - Memory, Trees & Maple Leaves
Vote Count
Mike M - 15 (4)
MilkBeard - 10 (2)
Tangent - 10 (2)
Crunched - 10
Nezumi - 7
Dandy Crocodile - 2
Congrats to the second victory in a row Mike!
Wow, think I've only pulled that off once before.
Anyhow, it looks like the universal feedback was that the speech at the end needs work. Anyone got suggestions or specific feedback on that part alone and how I might punch it up?
Also, new thread.
Anyhow, it looks like the universal feedback was that the speech at the end needs work. Anyone got suggestions or specific feedback on that part alone and how I might punch it up?
Also, new thread.
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