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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #191 - "Desecration"
- Thread starter FlowersisBritish
- Start date
- Status
The great temple of the goddess Nalit has always fared as the city fared. As Nalatea found times of plenty, so too did the Temple of Nalit find plenty. As Nalatea found hardship, so too did the Temple of Nalit find hardship. And as Nalatea grew, so too did the Temple.
It began as a mere shrine, the frame of which now forms the naos, the inner sanctum. A small three-walled room holding a statue of Nalit, of crude painted stone but still recognizable, in the traditional open-handed pose of the goddess of generosity. The original statue is said to reside at the palace of the exarch in Thrisia, though the priestesses of Nalit claim that this statue is a copy and the original was never lost.
The Temple has fallen three times. Once during the sack of Nalatea by the Thrisians. Once to the great fire that took the lower city. And once to the followers of the unitary heresy. Each time it was rebuilt greater than before.
Nalit has a younger sister: Selus, the goddess of the underworld and of leavetaking. Selus is a shadowed goddess, and in times of hardship--famine, drought, or war--her rites are banned within the city. It is said that, at those times, her worshippers flock to the Temple of Nalit, there to make sacrifice with Nalit on their tongue, and Selus in their hearts. This practice the priestesses abhor. In those periods where the rites of Selus are banned, the priestesses are watchful and jealous.
Some say that Nalit and Selus are not sisters at all. It is not spoken above a whisper, and never where a priestess might hear, but the whispers spread. They say that Nalit and Selus are two faces to the same goddess. That the open hand takes as easily as it gives. That as the seasons turn, so too does the face of Nalit/Selus, ever back and forth, smiling and frowning in turn.
There is no great temple to Selus. No statue. No priestesses. But she breathes as surely as Nalit. And as she is Nalit's other face, her opposite, some whisper that her fortunes, too, are opposite to Nalit's.
Nalit's fortunes are tied to the city, to Nalatea. As Nalatea flourishes, cultivates and trades and engages in scholarship, the power and influence of the goddess of generosity waxes, while that of the goddess of the underworld wanes.
What then, of the opposite? What happens if the city falls?
It began as a mere shrine, the frame of which now forms the naos, the inner sanctum. A small three-walled room holding a statue of Nalit, of crude painted stone but still recognizable, in the traditional open-handed pose of the goddess of generosity. The original statue is said to reside at the palace of the exarch in Thrisia, though the priestesses of Nalit claim that this statue is a copy and the original was never lost.
The Temple has fallen three times. Once during the sack of Nalatea by the Thrisians. Once to the great fire that took the lower city. And once to the followers of the unitary heresy. Each time it was rebuilt greater than before.
Nalit has a younger sister: Selus, the goddess of the underworld and of leavetaking. Selus is a shadowed goddess, and in times of hardship--famine, drought, or war--her rites are banned within the city. It is said that, at those times, her worshippers flock to the Temple of Nalit, there to make sacrifice with Nalit on their tongue, and Selus in their hearts. This practice the priestesses abhor. In those periods where the rites of Selus are banned, the priestesses are watchful and jealous.
Some say that Nalit and Selus are not sisters at all. It is not spoken above a whisper, and never where a priestess might hear, but the whispers spread. They say that Nalit and Selus are two faces to the same goddess. That the open hand takes as easily as it gives. That as the seasons turn, so too does the face of Nalit/Selus, ever back and forth, smiling and frowning in turn.
There is no great temple to Selus. No statue. No priestesses. But she breathes as surely as Nalit. And as she is Nalit's other face, her opposite, some whisper that her fortunes, too, are opposite to Nalit's.
Nalit's fortunes are tied to the city, to Nalatea. As Nalatea flourishes, cultivates and trades and engages in scholarship, the power and influence of the goddess of generosity waxes, while that of the goddess of the underworld wanes.
What then, of the opposite? What happens if the city falls?
Woe unto you,
Who are taken
Under the spell
Of those who
Make most sense
to you;
For you
Begin to fill
In spaces
You have no
knowledge Of;
Every speck
In the universe
Is built
By this shared
Gaze. It can
Rock continents,
Form coastal shelfs,
With you on your side,
And I on mine.
Less You feel lonely,
Know that I'm here
Waiting to be found.
Who are taken
Under the spell
Of those who
Make most sense
to you;
For you
Begin to fill
In spaces
You have no
knowledge Of;
Every speck
In the universe
Is built
By this shared
Gaze. It can
Rock continents,
Form coastal shelfs,
With you on your side,
And I on mine.
Less You feel lonely,
Know that I'm here
Waiting to be found.
Rocks
Entries:
RoyaleDuke - So Far From Here
dpunk3 - untitled
Red - Sanctity
Aaron - Fire in the Blood
Lightningboalt - Snake Oil
Mike M - False Symmetry
FlowersisBritish - The Mother and The Owl
Tangent - Salvation Rigidity
Cyan - The Temple of Nalit
Ashes - Firecracker
Nezumi - Ramblings
mu cephei - Rocks
Votes:
1- Red
2- Mike M
3- Tangent
Comments:
RoyaleDuke - A visceral, emotional start, though opening with someone else's song takes away from it a little. Do you know where it's going, or just something on the fly?
dpunk3 - Not familiar with what this is based on, so can't say much about it other than the grammatical structure is odd, making it a bit difficult to read.
Red - You build up atmosphere so thick it's almost tangible. The situation is a little too familiar, but your details and the emotion involved save it. I still wish it had been his own mistake, and not something pressed on by others which semi-absolves him of this sin.
Lightningboalt - I would have rather you opened with the scene when the priest discovers this sacrilege than him talking about it. I don't these characters enough to invest in their conversation.
Mike M - It starts in mystery, and builds up on its details nicely. Never feel like I'm left in the dark too long about anything. Though they should have figured out the problem much sooner, considering what his job is and the tripods ranting about symmetry.
FlowersisBritish - Why not chat with the talking owl? It's an interesting story, but the world feels a little off when Marin knew birds could raise the dead, but the villagers called her a witch. It also seems doubtful that something could be forgotten in her lifetime.
Tangent - It's great to follow the main character along to see the world from mostly his perspective, though I find it odd no one checked the poster before it was put up, and the ending feels a touch weak. Maybe you're trying to be too subtle and need to bring it out.
Cyan - It's a nice premise, but needs more meat to be a story.
Ashes - Nice sentiment. I don't agree with the structure, but I almost never do with your work.
Nezumi - Found it a little hard to follow when it's written in summary and not scene. Maybe it's just me, but I feel there should be some feeling of resolution at the end, even if ends before meeting grandfather.
mu cephei - You develop characters while giving out the situation in pieces. That's interesting, but feels like the story ends before the really interesting stuff can happen. The consequences.
1- Red
2- Mike M
3- Tangent
Comments:
RoyaleDuke - A visceral, emotional start, though opening with someone else's song takes away from it a little. Do you know where it's going, or just something on the fly?
dpunk3 - Not familiar with what this is based on, so can't say much about it other than the grammatical structure is odd, making it a bit difficult to read.
Red - You build up atmosphere so thick it's almost tangible. The situation is a little too familiar, but your details and the emotion involved save it. I still wish it had been his own mistake, and not something pressed on by others which semi-absolves him of this sin.
Lightningboalt - I would have rather you opened with the scene when the priest discovers this sacrilege than him talking about it. I don't these characters enough to invest in their conversation.
Mike M - It starts in mystery, and builds up on its details nicely. Never feel like I'm left in the dark too long about anything. Though they should have figured out the problem much sooner, considering what his job is and the tripods ranting about symmetry.
FlowersisBritish - Why not chat with the talking owl? It's an interesting story, but the world feels a little off when Marin knew birds could raise the dead, but the villagers called her a witch. It also seems doubtful that something could be forgotten in her lifetime.
Tangent - It's great to follow the main character along to see the world from mostly his perspective, though I find it odd no one checked the poster before it was put up, and the ending feels a touch weak. Maybe you're trying to be too subtle and need to bring it out.
Cyan - It's a nice premise, but needs more meat to be a story.
Ashes - Nice sentiment. I don't agree with the structure, but I almost never do with your work.
Nezumi - Found it a little hard to follow when it's written in summary and not scene. Maybe it's just me, but I feel there should be some feeling of resolution at the end, even if ends before meeting grandfather.
mu cephei - You develop characters while giving out the situation in pieces. That's interesting, but feels like the story ends before the really interesting stuff can happen. The consequences.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Props to Aaron for posting comments before the actual list was up. And same to Mu Cephei for sneakily putting it there right before i was about to hit 'post.'
Dragging this up since it got a little lost in the rush of story postings.
I've been fond of two methods. One, just calling someone "the frenchman" or "the englishman" Usually people will fill in their own favorite stereotypes for you, and no one likes to think themselves an asshole, so they go for something mild. On the opposite spectrum, I think phonetic spelling gets a bad rap.
Dragging this up since it got a little lost in the rush of story postings.
I've been fond of two methods. One, just calling someone "the frenchman" or "the englishman" Usually people will fill in their own favorite stereotypes for you, and no one likes to think themselves an asshole, so they go for something mild. On the opposite spectrum, I think phonetic spelling gets a bad rap.
votes:
1. Red
2. Mike M
3. Nezumi
hm. Tangent
Red - Sanctity. I didn't always love your word choices or phrasing, it seemed a bit ott at times, but this was so very well-constructed and imagined. The hints, the contrasts. Really nicely done.
Mike M - False Symmetry. I don't think it should have taken so long for them to figure the problem out. This is in what I think of as your 'ponderous/ sedate style' which I'm not sure about, but is probably needed for how you explain everything so fantastically well, all the alien concepts and issues, I always knew exactly where I was and what was happening. I just loved some things, like the Card Varelese Scale and the implants, the Tripods were great.
Nezumi - Ramblings. Two of my grandparents died before I was born, the third when I was 4, the last when I was 11. I never really knew them. So this was weird for me to read and very interesting, and for 'ramblings' it was very well paced and ordered. Several of the lines were great, like the dramatic reading of a mail order catalogue. I liked the way it ended.
Tangent - Salvation Rigidity. This was great, really I was stumped on my 2nd, 3rd and 4th places. The viewpoint was really well done, both convincing and entertaining.
RoyaleDuke - So Far From Here. I liked it, the situation pulled me right in, the line about the comics and action figures was funny. I liked the use of lyrics, often it can seemed forced but this didn't.
dpunk3 - untitled. I liked the concept you were exploring, and with the explanation, this just about is possible to follow, but there are a lot of unexplained things so it doesn't stand on its own.
Aaron - Fire in the Blood. Great opening paragraph. Their conversation and Omar's thoughts were really good, though once the action started in the Church I didn't think it worked quite as well.
Lightningboalt - Snake Oil. This was really entertaining, the section describing the asteroid/ bar was great. It grew a bit bloated with the boasting.
FlowersisBritish - The Mother and The Owl. A lot of this was really great, although there were a few things I wondered at, such as, what was a little kid doing killing a wolf, why didn't the mother explain about the owl, also her claiming they didn't understand her pain was odd, life in an outback village would be pretty harsh. I felt bad for the boy and I found it very evocative.
Cyan - The Temple of Nalit. This would be (is) a really great prologue for something. I liked the style, and the question it finishes on.
Ashes - Firecracker. It's rare I can appreciate poetry, and I didn't understand why you'd laid this out (or whatever it's called) how you did. Once I turned it into a paragraph, I liked it
1. Red
2. Mike M
3. Nezumi
hm. Tangent
Red - Sanctity. I didn't always love your word choices or phrasing, it seemed a bit ott at times, but this was so very well-constructed and imagined. The hints, the contrasts. Really nicely done.
Mike M - False Symmetry. I don't think it should have taken so long for them to figure the problem out. This is in what I think of as your 'ponderous/ sedate style' which I'm not sure about, but is probably needed for how you explain everything so fantastically well, all the alien concepts and issues, I always knew exactly where I was and what was happening. I just loved some things, like the Card Varelese Scale and the implants, the Tripods were great.
Nezumi - Ramblings. Two of my grandparents died before I was born, the third when I was 4, the last when I was 11. I never really knew them. So this was weird for me to read and very interesting, and for 'ramblings' it was very well paced and ordered. Several of the lines were great, like the dramatic reading of a mail order catalogue. I liked the way it ended.
Tangent - Salvation Rigidity. This was great, really I was stumped on my 2nd, 3rd and 4th places. The viewpoint was really well done, both convincing and entertaining.
RoyaleDuke - So Far From Here. I liked it, the situation pulled me right in, the line about the comics and action figures was funny. I liked the use of lyrics, often it can seemed forced but this didn't.
dpunk3 - untitled. I liked the concept you were exploring, and with the explanation, this just about is possible to follow, but there are a lot of unexplained things so it doesn't stand on its own.
Aaron - Fire in the Blood. Great opening paragraph. Their conversation and Omar's thoughts were really good, though once the action started in the Church I didn't think it worked quite as well.
Lightningboalt - Snake Oil. This was really entertaining, the section describing the asteroid/ bar was great. It grew a bit bloated with the boasting.
FlowersisBritish - The Mother and The Owl. A lot of this was really great, although there were a few things I wondered at, such as, what was a little kid doing killing a wolf, why didn't the mother explain about the owl, also her claiming they didn't understand her pain was odd, life in an outback village would be pretty harsh. I felt bad for the boy and I found it very evocative.
Cyan - The Temple of Nalit. This would be (is) a really great prologue for something. I liked the style, and the question it finishes on.
Ashes - Firecracker. It's rare I can appreciate poetry, and I didn't understand why you'd laid this out (or whatever it's called) how you did. Once I turned it into a paragraph, I liked it
Ive been sick all weekend, so these might be shorter than usual.
Royal Duke: Well its certainly the start of something, but obviously not a complete story in and of itself. You do a fairly good job of capturing a no-nonsense kind gritty atmosphere, but then its over almost as soon as it starts. There are some sentence constructions that I dont think work, even allowing for stylistic choices, and overall it was rife with errors that leaped out to me.
dpunk3: The fact that Negi was only 11 was a bit of a swerve. Up until that point, we dont have a very good idea of who this guy is; the fact that he has students is the most concrete thing we have about him, which leads me to believe him to be an adult, only for that to be completely upended. I found it kind of hard to follow in general, as I had very little feel for the setting, conflict, characters, etc. Its a fragment of a half-remembered dream.
Red: A church seems like a really odd choice for a hook up location, especially if you get there and theres already some dude in the pews doing his thing. Some nice imagery and turns of phrase going on here, but the story itself didnt do much for me. Maybe its just one of those premises where I need to spend more time with the people involved before I can invest any sort of emotional stake in the outcome of their plight.
Aaron: Well that certainly went unexpected places. The shit going down at the church was really over the top for me, as I cant really take an depictions of someone deflecting bullets with a knife and dodging a hail of gunfire with nothing more than grazed shots very seriously. Even if the cultists were pulling their punches because they were sacrificing themselves, it was a bit much for me to swallow.
Lightningboalt: I wonder if starting off with the priest putting a contract on the guy was a mistake. Right from the get go, we establish that someone sells fake penis enlargement pills made from sacred snakes, and that the protagonist is supposed to kill them. So the moment were introduced to Germb, everything that follows is a foregone conclusion and its a matter of waiting for it to happen while Germb reiterates facts that are largely already in evidence. There wasnt any suspense or tension as a result.
Mike M: I had no idea how to end this, so it just kind of peters out at the end. Trying to write about an alien species with whom communication is only barely possible is a challenge, because its damned hard to put yourself in the headspace of beings that dont think in any way similar to how you do. The Card Varelse Scale is a nod to the hierarchy of foreignness Orson Scott Card had in the Ender novels from Speaker of the Dead onward where varelse was the level of an intelligent being with which communication was impossible.
FlowersisBritish: Not really clear what the Owls motivations were here. At first blush it seems to be that its shaping up to be some sort of tale of the monkeys paw type thing of wishes going awry, but then it turns out hes just sympathetic about people losing loved ones? He almost seems to be two different characters at the beginning and the end where hes being a dick to the mother and almost impassive to Jahom
Tangent: I just shot a Hindu wedding last weekend. It wasnt three hours, but my understanding is that they did an abridged version and even that was an a hour and a half. For point of reference, a typical wedding ceremony (well, baring Catholic ones) is like 15-20min. There are only so many interesting shots I can do, its really hard to drag it out over 90 minutes.
Cyan: Im not even sure what the question at the end is asking. Its laid out at the start that as Nalatea fares, so does Nalit. So what happens when the city falls? Like when it was sacked by the Thrisians? Then Nalits power wanes and Selus grows as stated. Im not sure if this is a fault in my understanding or in the logic behind the question in the first place.
Ashes: Yup. Thats a poem all right.
Nezumi: I just realized that all my grandparents are dead as of April. I think. Never knew my paternal grandfather, but Im pretty sure hes dead too. I had distant, awkward relationships with all of them too, so I can relate.
mu cephei: Potentially interesting setting and characters, but what would seem to be the primary conflict between them didnt show up until nearly the last page, and from there we just rushed headlong into a conclusion.
Votes to come.
Royal Duke: Well its certainly the start of something, but obviously not a complete story in and of itself. You do a fairly good job of capturing a no-nonsense kind gritty atmosphere, but then its over almost as soon as it starts. There are some sentence constructions that I dont think work, even allowing for stylistic choices, and overall it was rife with errors that leaped out to me.
dpunk3: The fact that Negi was only 11 was a bit of a swerve. Up until that point, we dont have a very good idea of who this guy is; the fact that he has students is the most concrete thing we have about him, which leads me to believe him to be an adult, only for that to be completely upended. I found it kind of hard to follow in general, as I had very little feel for the setting, conflict, characters, etc. Its a fragment of a half-remembered dream.
Red: A church seems like a really odd choice for a hook up location, especially if you get there and theres already some dude in the pews doing his thing. Some nice imagery and turns of phrase going on here, but the story itself didnt do much for me. Maybe its just one of those premises where I need to spend more time with the people involved before I can invest any sort of emotional stake in the outcome of their plight.
Aaron: Well that certainly went unexpected places. The shit going down at the church was really over the top for me, as I cant really take an depictions of someone deflecting bullets with a knife and dodging a hail of gunfire with nothing more than grazed shots very seriously. Even if the cultists were pulling their punches because they were sacrificing themselves, it was a bit much for me to swallow.
Lightningboalt: I wonder if starting off with the priest putting a contract on the guy was a mistake. Right from the get go, we establish that someone sells fake penis enlargement pills made from sacred snakes, and that the protagonist is supposed to kill them. So the moment were introduced to Germb, everything that follows is a foregone conclusion and its a matter of waiting for it to happen while Germb reiterates facts that are largely already in evidence. There wasnt any suspense or tension as a result.
Mike M: I had no idea how to end this, so it just kind of peters out at the end. Trying to write about an alien species with whom communication is only barely possible is a challenge, because its damned hard to put yourself in the headspace of beings that dont think in any way similar to how you do. The Card Varelse Scale is a nod to the hierarchy of foreignness Orson Scott Card had in the Ender novels from Speaker of the Dead onward where varelse was the level of an intelligent being with which communication was impossible.
FlowersisBritish: Not really clear what the Owls motivations were here. At first blush it seems to be that its shaping up to be some sort of tale of the monkeys paw type thing of wishes going awry, but then it turns out hes just sympathetic about people losing loved ones? He almost seems to be two different characters at the beginning and the end where hes being a dick to the mother and almost impassive to Jahom
Tangent: I just shot a Hindu wedding last weekend. It wasnt three hours, but my understanding is that they did an abridged version and even that was an a hour and a half. For point of reference, a typical wedding ceremony (well, baring Catholic ones) is like 15-20min. There are only so many interesting shots I can do, its really hard to drag it out over 90 minutes.
Cyan: Im not even sure what the question at the end is asking. Its laid out at the start that as Nalatea fares, so does Nalit. So what happens when the city falls? Like when it was sacked by the Thrisians? Then Nalits power wanes and Selus grows as stated. Im not sure if this is a fault in my understanding or in the logic behind the question in the first place.
Ashes: Yup. Thats a poem all right.
Nezumi: I just realized that all my grandparents are dead as of April. I think. Never knew my paternal grandfather, but Im pretty sure hes dead too. I had distant, awkward relationships with all of them too, so I can relate.
mu cephei: Potentially interesting setting and characters, but what would seem to be the primary conflict between them didnt show up until nearly the last page, and from there we just rushed headlong into a conclusion.
Votes to come.
Votes:
1. Mike M
2. Tangent
3. Ashes
hm: lightningboalt, flowers
RoyaleDuke - So Far From Here
Establishes mood well. A few more details could really bring us into the car with Allan. We know it's old and beat up, but what are some more unique things about it? What does he have on his dashboard? What's hanging from the rearview mirror? Is there a drip of water from one of the windows because it won't close all the way? That kind of thing. This is a story that really needs us to be in the headspace of its MC. Pull us there as close as you can, give us the little things around him, what he sees, new details he might find in a substance he is intimately familiar with. The boxes of mementos inches us toward something like that, but even "action figures and comic books" can be honed in on. Which action figures? Which comic books? These types of specific details pull the curtain back that much more on character.
dpunk3 - untitled
Do your damnedest not to open with someone waking up. Unless there is a hell of a reason to start us with the beginning of the day, it's better to skip the foreplay and throw us right into the action. Your story does not begin until "A voice stops him cold in his tracks." All your vital information flows out of this point (and maybe there is too much of it, maybe it is better to pick two or three important fears or desires and really whip those up). All the words that come before are superfluous. They are the sounds of a throat clearing before the speech begins. Fine to ease into the writing with such passages, but not necessary for your readers to be engaged.
I am reminded a little of Solaris. Communication with an apparition of desire. Dreamlike. An interesting place to start. But this section does not give us enough to chew. You set up a conflict within your MC, but it is never clear why he is so anxious. We are simply told it is so.
Aaron - Fire in the Blood
I like this in a B-movie way. Is there a B-movie equivalent in fiction? Omar is in his own head a lot. Takes me out of the story, because it slows things down. Let him think less and do more. Show me who he is through his behavior. A few observations here and there are just fine, some kind be great, but one after another like this stifles the pace. Being too in the head of a character is one of the big risks of going first person... It's important to keep that perspective in sight, and introspection can be a great strength of this point of view, but be careful not to weight that introspection too heavily, especially at the expense of action in what is a roaring action story.
Omar functions as an audience surrogate here, which is alright, but it holds him back from really being active. He sort of sits by and narrates what's happening without participating much. Although I do think the switch from his pursuit of the girl to a kind of passive onlooker is subversive enough to be interesting. Still, it feels like the story sort of gets away from him during the church sequence. We're still in his head, but it is no longer his story, and it feels weird, a little disconnected, to be that far removed from what is going on. I think what holds it back is that Omar has no clear goal during this sequence. If he is trying to achieve something, he can become more active, and more relevant to the action at hand.
Maintains a nice humorous bent and is easy to read. I think it succeeds at being a funny, ridiculous action piece.
Lightningbolt - Snake Oil
Mike is right, the first scene doesn't tell us anything we don't get in a more interesting context later on. The bar scene is shady in a Star Wars cantina-esque way. The world is interesting, in that Old West/Outer Space mashup style (e.g. Firefly). It seems well established to me, but I am familiar with some of the sources you're borrowing from, and may be filling in the blanks with other, similar material.
Maybe a nitpick, but are we meant to assume all these various alien creatures have similar sex organs?
Mike M - False Symmetry
Great details. Well-realized personalities.The idea is neat (Flowers and I discussed communication problems between creatures from different worlds during the co-op challenge, and this reminded me of that). The world is built with skill and its nuance compels us to pay attention to detail. Isaac does not do much. He is probably the least interesting part of this story. He seems to exist only to give us an entryway to learn about the behavior and customs of the tripods. He is not much of a character on his own, and we learn very little about him except for his job, and even this seems necessary only so that we can arrive at the ending. That was a little disappointing. The resolution occurs quickly and is entirely out of the hands of the main character, which makes it kind of squeak by as if it's nothing much. So I'm a little divided here. You've presented us the most interesting setting this round, and probably the best world building. But your main character is not too interesting and seems to function only so that the story can happen. Things happen to him, not because of him, and though I recognize the difficulty in making a prisoner a free agent, this causes his struggle to feel flat.
FlowersisBritish - The Mother and the Owl
I had trouble deciding where to rank this one, and could have easily slipped it into my top three. I thought the beginning was a little heavy, and we could have got to the conversation with the owl a bit quicker. The first exchange with the owl was very good, and I was a little confused, a little let down to find that his puckishness did not carry through the years to his conversation with the resurrected son. He was a nice Cheshire cat-like personality, similarly cryptic and ambiguous. I liked the conflict between the mother and the townspeople, reminded me of Frankenstein, although it seemed to lower the stakes pretty quickly. People simply got used to the undead son. That's a unique turn, but it causes the last few sections to feel insignificant compared to what's come before (it's melancholy, but still along the lines of "and they lived happily ever after").
An aside: I like owls in fiction. One of my all-time favorite short stories is "Owl" by Emily Ruskovich. They are alluring and mysterious creatures. A wise choice to make them fringe-dwellers, these creatures that live across the borders of worlds.
Tangent - Salvation Rigidity
I like your lead character. He's interesting and fun. He carries much of the weight here, and I enjoy spending time with him. The revelation of his poster is executed well and receives a proper build up. It is fitting for his character. The pace is maybe overly relaxed, although the story is very brief, and does not really suffer for a lack of conflict.
Cyan - The Temple of Nalit
Kind of reads like a back-of-a-napkin prologue. Doesn't really express a complete thought, but approaches one. Did you have larger plans for this?
Ashes - Firecracker
It's a little simple, but very refreshing. Sometimes short and sweet is enough for me. Often it is.
Nezumi - Ramblings
I don't think it would be fair to deeply critique this. I would like more specific details. I think it is a good starting point for a memoir and could explore the relationship more thoroughly to great effect. It was all connected and I think calling it "ramblings" is underselling it. It expresses a coherent idea. I don't know if the narrator is fully you, but whoever it is, they have room to reflect more critically on why they feel the way they do. This piece feels like it is scratching at something deeper, even as it is hesitates to break the surface.
mu cephei - Rocks
I agree with Mike. It takes a long time to get us where we need to be. There are several good ideas here but they take too long to meld into something compelling. Get us there quicker. Background info can be peppered throughout action. It holds things up to explain who is what and where and why. Just drop us in, trust us to figure out the rest.
1. Mike M
2. Tangent
3. Ashes
hm: lightningboalt, flowers
RoyaleDuke - So Far From Here
Establishes mood well. A few more details could really bring us into the car with Allan. We know it's old and beat up, but what are some more unique things about it? What does he have on his dashboard? What's hanging from the rearview mirror? Is there a drip of water from one of the windows because it won't close all the way? That kind of thing. This is a story that really needs us to be in the headspace of its MC. Pull us there as close as you can, give us the little things around him, what he sees, new details he might find in a substance he is intimately familiar with. The boxes of mementos inches us toward something like that, but even "action figures and comic books" can be honed in on. Which action figures? Which comic books? These types of specific details pull the curtain back that much more on character.
dpunk3 - untitled
Do your damnedest not to open with someone waking up. Unless there is a hell of a reason to start us with the beginning of the day, it's better to skip the foreplay and throw us right into the action. Your story does not begin until "A voice stops him cold in his tracks." All your vital information flows out of this point (and maybe there is too much of it, maybe it is better to pick two or three important fears or desires and really whip those up). All the words that come before are superfluous. They are the sounds of a throat clearing before the speech begins. Fine to ease into the writing with such passages, but not necessary for your readers to be engaged.
I am reminded a little of Solaris. Communication with an apparition of desire. Dreamlike. An interesting place to start. But this section does not give us enough to chew. You set up a conflict within your MC, but it is never clear why he is so anxious. We are simply told it is so.
Aaron - Fire in the Blood
I like this in a B-movie way. Is there a B-movie equivalent in fiction? Omar is in his own head a lot. Takes me out of the story, because it slows things down. Let him think less and do more. Show me who he is through his behavior. A few observations here and there are just fine, some kind be great, but one after another like this stifles the pace. Being too in the head of a character is one of the big risks of going first person... It's important to keep that perspective in sight, and introspection can be a great strength of this point of view, but be careful not to weight that introspection too heavily, especially at the expense of action in what is a roaring action story.
Omar functions as an audience surrogate here, which is alright, but it holds him back from really being active. He sort of sits by and narrates what's happening without participating much. Although I do think the switch from his pursuit of the girl to a kind of passive onlooker is subversive enough to be interesting. Still, it feels like the story sort of gets away from him during the church sequence. We're still in his head, but it is no longer his story, and it feels weird, a little disconnected, to be that far removed from what is going on. I think what holds it back is that Omar has no clear goal during this sequence. If he is trying to achieve something, he can become more active, and more relevant to the action at hand.
Maintains a nice humorous bent and is easy to read. I think it succeeds at being a funny, ridiculous action piece.
Lightningbolt - Snake Oil
Mike is right, the first scene doesn't tell us anything we don't get in a more interesting context later on. The bar scene is shady in a Star Wars cantina-esque way. The world is interesting, in that Old West/Outer Space mashup style (e.g. Firefly). It seems well established to me, but I am familiar with some of the sources you're borrowing from, and may be filling in the blanks with other, similar material.
Maybe a nitpick, but are we meant to assume all these various alien creatures have similar sex organs?
Mike M - False Symmetry
Great details. Well-realized personalities.The idea is neat (Flowers and I discussed communication problems between creatures from different worlds during the co-op challenge, and this reminded me of that). The world is built with skill and its nuance compels us to pay attention to detail. Isaac does not do much. He is probably the least interesting part of this story. He seems to exist only to give us an entryway to learn about the behavior and customs of the tripods. He is not much of a character on his own, and we learn very little about him except for his job, and even this seems necessary only so that we can arrive at the ending. That was a little disappointing. The resolution occurs quickly and is entirely out of the hands of the main character, which makes it kind of squeak by as if it's nothing much. So I'm a little divided here. You've presented us the most interesting setting this round, and probably the best world building. But your main character is not too interesting and seems to function only so that the story can happen. Things happen to him, not because of him, and though I recognize the difficulty in making a prisoner a free agent, this causes his struggle to feel flat.
FlowersisBritish - The Mother and the Owl
I had trouble deciding where to rank this one, and could have easily slipped it into my top three. I thought the beginning was a little heavy, and we could have got to the conversation with the owl a bit quicker. The first exchange with the owl was very good, and I was a little confused, a little let down to find that his puckishness did not carry through the years to his conversation with the resurrected son. He was a nice Cheshire cat-like personality, similarly cryptic and ambiguous. I liked the conflict between the mother and the townspeople, reminded me of Frankenstein, although it seemed to lower the stakes pretty quickly. People simply got used to the undead son. That's a unique turn, but it causes the last few sections to feel insignificant compared to what's come before (it's melancholy, but still along the lines of "and they lived happily ever after").
An aside: I like owls in fiction. One of my all-time favorite short stories is "Owl" by Emily Ruskovich. They are alluring and mysterious creatures. A wise choice to make them fringe-dwellers, these creatures that live across the borders of worlds.
Tangent - Salvation Rigidity
I like your lead character. He's interesting and fun. He carries much of the weight here, and I enjoy spending time with him. The revelation of his poster is executed well and receives a proper build up. It is fitting for his character. The pace is maybe overly relaxed, although the story is very brief, and does not really suffer for a lack of conflict.
Cyan - The Temple of Nalit
Kind of reads like a back-of-a-napkin prologue. Doesn't really express a complete thought, but approaches one. Did you have larger plans for this?
Ashes - Firecracker
It's a little simple, but very refreshing. Sometimes short and sweet is enough for me. Often it is.
Nezumi - Ramblings
I don't think it would be fair to deeply critique this. I would like more specific details. I think it is a good starting point for a memoir and could explore the relationship more thoroughly to great effect. It was all connected and I think calling it "ramblings" is underselling it. It expresses a coherent idea. I don't know if the narrator is fully you, but whoever it is, they have room to reflect more critically on why they feel the way they do. This piece feels like it is scratching at something deeper, even as it is hesitates to break the surface.
mu cephei - Rocks
I agree with Mike. It takes a long time to get us where we need to be. There are several good ideas here but they take too long to meld into something compelling. Get us there quicker. Background info can be peppered throughout action. It holds things up to explain who is what and where and why. Just drop us in, trust us to figure out the rest.
Comments:
RoyaleDuke - So Far From Here: The lyrical bits worked really well, and you capture a great tone. The end of your piece is gripping, but it seems to end abruptly.
dpunk3 - untitled: Wow, cool that you were inspired by Mahou Sensei Negima. Do you read that online? I like what you are creating, but it seems a little hard to follow if one doesn't know the context of Mahou Sensei Negima. I like how you have a fantastical style of writing that becomes tangible right away.
Red - Sanctity: Very nice word choice and writing. The thing that threw me off, though, was the actual meat of the story, the makeout in the church. It seemed to happen too abruptly. I'm not sure why I feel this way, but perhaps some more build up to it might help. On the other hand, empty words might just slow down the pace. So I'm not sure!
Aaron - Fire in the Blood: This was hilarious. I liked hearing Omar's thoughts and his perception of everything happening. It's funny too, because he's not that likable of a character, but then again, he sort of is. I like how the Mari was an intriguing character and I wanted to know what was going on in her mind, but at the same time, I like how everything was described in Omar's POV, so that Mari is mysterious -- fitting for the story. Your word choice throughout made the story easy to visualize, and all the action and violence was done in a pretty humorous way.
Lightningboalt - Snake Oil: Haha, this is funny, with a great start and you seem to have a very down-to-earth approach with dialog. I wanted to know a bit more about this specific meteor and the culture of the bar! I wonder if you could have included more events taking place there to substitute the description of the history of the place. I'm not sure, just a thought.
Mike M - False Symmetry: I like how you described the lady and the aliens, and the dialog you provided for them. I think you used just the right amount of jargon from their outerspace world. I like how you were able to make it so the reader could jump right in without having every event or object described to bring the reader into the world. I wish I had a better understanding of what the MC looked like though, or the toll his captivity took, psychologically-speaking. Other than that, it was interesting, and I liked how you included notions of "wrong-doing" that are not linguistically available to humans.
(Yuck, and sorry to hear that you are sick. The WORST! I can't believe you managed to provide feedback even while sick.)
FlowersisBritish - The Mother and The Owl: I was captivated by this story right away. It had the nuances of The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. I would have imagined the father would have felt a sense of loss or sadness even when he saw his son and wife around in the village. Or some sense of confusion. Also, it was sweet -- like in the movie AI -- how the son was so loving towards his mom -- but I imagine that he would have gone through some phase of anger at his state of being, like any teenager who isn't even immortal. He seemed to have a quiet, melancholy acceptance to it all, like The Curious Life of Benjamin Button.
Cyan - The Temple of Nalit: I like the "fable" style of writing you use. It's done well. The ending is punchy and well done. Although I like stories that are short and sweet, I did feel like a bit of meat could flesh this one out. At the same time, that might take away from the fable-flavor...
Ashes - Firecracker: Amazing poetry! So beautifully done, that I read it again. Nice pauses and word choice. In general, I feel a little out of my element when I comment on poetry, sadly enough. I wish I had a better handle on it!
Nezumi - Ramblings: I thought this was so beautiful and sad. The way you describe the main character's feelings about his grandparents are so real. This was a very strong story but I felt like it ended up abruptly. If the story had space to continue, it would be very strong.
mu cephei - Rocks: I like these characters and how well you fleshed them out, and the ethical questions they were faced with. But I wonder if you could somehow bring those questions in earlier?
Votes:
1. Flowers
2. Aaron
3. Mike M
RoyaleDuke - So Far From Here: The lyrical bits worked really well, and you capture a great tone. The end of your piece is gripping, but it seems to end abruptly.
dpunk3 - untitled: Wow, cool that you were inspired by Mahou Sensei Negima. Do you read that online? I like what you are creating, but it seems a little hard to follow if one doesn't know the context of Mahou Sensei Negima. I like how you have a fantastical style of writing that becomes tangible right away.
Red - Sanctity: Very nice word choice and writing. The thing that threw me off, though, was the actual meat of the story, the makeout in the church. It seemed to happen too abruptly. I'm not sure why I feel this way, but perhaps some more build up to it might help. On the other hand, empty words might just slow down the pace. So I'm not sure!
Aaron - Fire in the Blood: This was hilarious. I liked hearing Omar's thoughts and his perception of everything happening. It's funny too, because he's not that likable of a character, but then again, he sort of is. I like how the Mari was an intriguing character and I wanted to know what was going on in her mind, but at the same time, I like how everything was described in Omar's POV, so that Mari is mysterious -- fitting for the story. Your word choice throughout made the story easy to visualize, and all the action and violence was done in a pretty humorous way.
Lightningboalt - Snake Oil: Haha, this is funny, with a great start and you seem to have a very down-to-earth approach with dialog. I wanted to know a bit more about this specific meteor and the culture of the bar! I wonder if you could have included more events taking place there to substitute the description of the history of the place. I'm not sure, just a thought.
Mike M - False Symmetry: I like how you described the lady and the aliens, and the dialog you provided for them. I think you used just the right amount of jargon from their outerspace world. I like how you were able to make it so the reader could jump right in without having every event or object described to bring the reader into the world. I wish I had a better understanding of what the MC looked like though, or the toll his captivity took, psychologically-speaking. Other than that, it was interesting, and I liked how you included notions of "wrong-doing" that are not linguistically available to humans.
(Yuck, and sorry to hear that you are sick. The WORST! I can't believe you managed to provide feedback even while sick.)
FlowersisBritish - The Mother and The Owl: I was captivated by this story right away. It had the nuances of The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. I would have imagined the father would have felt a sense of loss or sadness even when he saw his son and wife around in the village. Or some sense of confusion. Also, it was sweet -- like in the movie AI -- how the son was so loving towards his mom -- but I imagine that he would have gone through some phase of anger at his state of being, like any teenager who isn't even immortal. He seemed to have a quiet, melancholy acceptance to it all, like The Curious Life of Benjamin Button.
Cyan - The Temple of Nalit: I like the "fable" style of writing you use. It's done well. The ending is punchy and well done. Although I like stories that are short and sweet, I did feel like a bit of meat could flesh this one out. At the same time, that might take away from the fable-flavor...
Ashes - Firecracker: Amazing poetry! So beautifully done, that I read it again. Nice pauses and word choice. In general, I feel a little out of my element when I comment on poetry, sadly enough. I wish I had a better handle on it!
Nezumi - Ramblings: I thought this was so beautiful and sad. The way you describe the main character's feelings about his grandparents are so real. This was a very strong story but I felt like it ended up abruptly. If the story had space to continue, it would be very strong.
mu cephei - Rocks: I like these characters and how well you fleshed them out, and the ethical questions they were faced with. But I wonder if you could somehow bring those questions in earlier?
Votes:
1. Flowers
2. Aaron
3. Mike M
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
No critiques form me this week
1. Red
2. Mike M
3. Mu Cephei
1. Red
2. Mike M
3. Mu Cephei
mu's seemed in your wheelhouse.
1.) Red - Sanctity
2.) Mike M - False Symmetry
3.) FlowersisBritish - The Mother and the Owl
Vote count:
Red - 12 (3)
Mike M - 11 (1)
FlowersisBritish - 6 (2)
Nezumi - 4 (1)
Tangent - 3
Mu Cephei - 3
Aaron - 2
Ashes - 1
Congratulations Red! The new challenge is all yours!
2.) Mike M - False Symmetry
3.) FlowersisBritish - The Mother and the Owl
Vote count:
Red - 12 (3)
Mike M - 11 (1)
FlowersisBritish - 6 (2)
Nezumi - 4 (1)
Tangent - 3
Mu Cephei - 3
Aaron - 2
Ashes - 1
Congratulations Red! The new challenge is all yours!
- Status