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The Official NeoGAF General Poetry Thread #7 Expectations versus Reality

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K

kid ness

Member
The Official NeoGAF General Poetry Thread #7 - Expectations versus Reality

Theme: Expectations versus Reality
Interpret this theme however you like. Whether it is just the inspirational starting point for your poem or entirely consistent to the theme is up to you.

Optional Secondary Objective: Ode
What is an ode?
as defined by princeton.edu:
ode (a lyric poem with complex stanza forms)
However, an ode to something is also known as a respectful gesture. You can incorporate this into your poem, in any way that is comfortable to you.

Poetry thread Rules version 1.1:
1. Now that we're out of the interim period, we will have a full deadline period for your poem(s).
2. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
3. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
4. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following normal two week period.
5. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want. Yes, even haikus are fine.
6. Optional secondary aims are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
7. Further addition to rule one and six. You can also try the secondary aim as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such. (This may work as an added incentive to try the secondary aim I guess, as people might vote for either of your pieces).
8. Vote for your favourite poems.
9. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
10. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide.
11. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such.

Deadline: Friday, July 23rd, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific.
Voting will then begin.
You should get your votes in by: Sunday, July 25th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific.
Good luck everyone!

___________________

Previous Threads:

Poetry Thread #1; Reflection
Poetry Thread #2; Making the Blind See & 5W poems
Poetry Thread #3; Interior & Incorporate a song or album title
Poetry Thread #4; History & Dream Song poems
Poetry Thread #5; A View From Afar or Within & Clerihew poems
Poetry Thread #6; The Surreal and the Fantastical &haikus
 
B

beelzebozo

Jealous Bastard
"letters"

words
disconnected from face and voice
applied to these vague memories second hand,
a stamp you create
i press firmly
to a handsome mannequin.

they inspire
fictional futures
where buttons can be sewn back
and gardens are planted

to thrive.
 
D

Dresden

Member
You expect a structure of sorts,
to distinguish it from all the other free-verse,
yet no rhyme sets the tone or voice, and
the puffed-illusion of free choice--accidental
rhymes clunky in the structure of the poem,
the verses set half-set in the concrete
as it sets and seals. It squirms, and you
see it so, the quarter-pint delusion mixed in
with salt, freshly chipped off once-man pillars
in some biblical fable--let you know how it goes
the pinhole-business where verse is set
in willy-nilly fashion with no regard for style,
pretty words set in empty tone, the search for
meaning a meaningless affair.
 
D

Dresden

Member
Ashes1396 said:
That was quick.

edit: Dresden I mean.
Click to expand...
Wanted to get it out of the way, since the next week will be absolute murder for me. Couldn't think of anything, though, so I just resorted to self-deprecation. :lol
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
An Ode to Oscar (the former life of the party) - this one's a secondary entry, i'll submit one on the main theme later in the week if inspiration strikes.

He spoke suddenly, with a bizarre cadence
Excited eyeballs whiring back and forth
Exuding like sweat, an air of suspense
In every witty quip and clever retort
His moto was to live in the moment
To drink it all up
To soak everything in
No time or care for atonement
Eyes sparkling like blood in a cup
Drunken black, with debauchery & sin

Nervous laughter accompanied his remarks
Some didn't understand, most didn't approve
But in some his words lit up like sparks
And it was with those he chose to groove
Sullen and mysterious
Worked like a charm
Like hares they hopped, into his bed
Intense and delirious
Then awoken in alarm
To find that he had long since fled

For love and attatchment he felt no need
Plus no one could match his pace
Seemingly content to spread his seed
Always moving on, from place to place
But after a while his memories blurred
Same people and faces
Same worries and fears
And suddenly it all seemed so absurd
For all his dalliances and embraces
He had no one to hold on to year after year

And then like a ton of bricks it hit
Cupids arrow, love at first sight
His long-cold heart did finally submit
To the force of a forgotten desires might
It was a fiery waitress named Maxine
Golden of hair, fair of skin
That quelled the wanderlust within
She wore a dress of the boldest green
On the day when they joined kin
And an honest man she made of him.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Nobody has time in the city of London for anyone else

The oceans lie to me.
Love is a bunch of chemicals.
I.Q. Tests are basically fraudulent.
The rich pay in cash, and moan and groan about it.
The poor pay with their health, and beat themselves about it.
And who hears the cries of the lonely and the desolate?
Such they say are the blankets to our beds.
Such is the happy talk round old street coffee tables.

Lost in the glass concrete marriage,
devoid of rule,
drunkards cry to their lords,
lovers embrace,
friends laugh around a joke.
And when the dust settles to empty pavements
The handsomely paid water down the streets.

Darkness lies around every corner,
hiding a depressing underbelly,
street walkers play parties inside hotel rooms now,
and the journalist witnesses the unfaithful actor,
his editor dialling a number for the wife at home.

How far away I am from myself,
only I know, I hear a man cry.
With only the power vested in these words,
the cobbles for home,
and cheap wine that hurts the gullet as it goes down,
and the burning liver,
Not for long I say, not for long.

Sitting on a park bench in Hyde park,
Riding the night through,
Watching the sun rise,
The pigeons flying high above the trees,
the lake glittering,
I looked at her,
a wide smile seeps out of her dreams,
as she sleeps soundly on my shoulder.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
I may have to sit this one out, but I'll get my votes in. Unfortunately, my week has been full of fixing my A/C unit that pours water all over my basement like Niagara Falls, fixing my chimney which leaks like Niagara Falls when it rains, and trying to figure out why two plugs in my living room no longer work, thus negating the ability to turn on lights or our TV. I love homeownership.
 
B

Barbacoatl

Banned
A meaningless affair (title stolen from Dresden's piece, hope you don't mind)

How hard it is
not to fall prey to your charms
your lips, your eyes

Gloss on the lips, shadows on the eyes
kiss kiss kiss, swallow the skies

above us

I moan and roar
a kitten in your arms
I salivate, not once not twice

never satisfied

Hurt me, love me
tie me to your feet
and hurt me again

Let me live between
you, behind
you, around
you

never above you

Don't want to wake
don't want to die
perpetually feel your thighs

against mine

Sadly we both die
and lay separately
beneath grey skies
 
S

Snowman Prophet of Doom

Member
Here we go.

Indigestion
Firmly, I press the skin between your fingers, hoping
To wring out all the obscured answers to questions
That I had never thought to have. I drop my lips onto
Yours to find something that I‘ve never seen but want
To paint for you. My synapses are an imperfect medium
To carry this problem from place to place. I have words
Without the impulse for them. Have them anyway.
They’re not mine to give, but they’re mine to gift.

The questions used to fill my lungs until I felt like
Choking on them; now I choke them down.
The answers are out there, but they are too small and dense
And work with the plaque to wall up my veins, trying to
Cease my pulse. I love my beating more than my breathing,
But I have to do both,
So I stuff my queries down the right pipe and just
Digest them while you fall asleep in our arms.

It hurts, badly. But even if it’s not ideal, it’s the best
I could have hoped for. The sound of my life
Falling into your hair is enough for now.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I guess if I have time, I'm going to try and do an ode to joy. And I won't even care if I come off like a silly old bat!
 
A

AnkitT

Member
Expectations from the nation since no man's an island
silent atonement for the stone that was cast way back when
but mind blown when reality was brought to light
clear sights on hind legs bind and reverse ass like fat guy clothes tight

Look man, we expect sun tan spray can delivery van
ride the guilt wave and slaves to save and other plan to help the brother man
scan the gander to get a second guess for less mess and more trash
plastic packaging from unboxing plastic devices while antenna issue backlash cause price slash

undertone of whats real since we escape it daily and debase laced with blazed glazed slippery slope
learn the ropes and encompass the scope of hope, but nope, what are you, the pope?
dont reveal truth like patented inventions and follow the conventions conveniently to your graves
the brave grunts perish and behave like their reality has a different base, they reject yours and replace

So expectations shape reality like the hammer beats malleable metal sheets
the streets offer the end to the means to the fiends and the people with left political gangsta lean
so be clean and let the reality crush you, expect the worst and let the best rush gush through
long overdue like how they have no clue and on cue breakthrough rings really true

Hazed up vision, the world is burning up in smokes, oh shit you burnt your cookie dough
lets get ready to crumble! expectations of green, but reality is weeds that tumble slow
the OP probably watched 500 days of summer and got inspired by that scene
but like a double complete going on to triple rainbow, "what does this mean?"
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
For Monica (secondary)

i know why she kept the dress.

when i unpacked, my dress was
the last piece left
in the suitcase, a wad
of cotton no bigger
than a grapefruit,
soft and absorbent
as a towel. so small.
a scrap. but when i touched it,
i was back there, standing
at the window, looking out
on nothing.

with your hands on me,
there was nothing to see.

the dress was white and almost
clean. pure. no stains.
no yellowed streaks to mark
the day. but you were there,
locked into the fibers
with the sweat-stink of guilt
and cigarettes.
the smell slid down my skin.
i closed my eyes and felt your fingers,
and the syrupy weight of southern summer,
when there was nothing to do but
stay in bed, half-dressed
under a hotel sheet while lunchtime faded
into dinner and beyond,
into cocktails in plastic cups,
callgirl red and crinkle thin.

i watched you shave and was fulfilled.

and maybe it was like that for monica,
in those quick office moments
when everything else disappeared,
the scandals and photo ops. maybe afterward
she wandered the halls, dreaming
of cigars and slow sincere speech,
and when we could not see,
maybe his hands danced
so quick and light that she
could never be sure he was really there.

maybe she wanted to be sure he was there.

i held my dress and my skin remembered
all the heartbeats i wanted to hold forever.
and i wondered if she looked down at navy blue,
at belt and buttons, and thought:
this means i exist.
this means i was there.

and maybe i thought that too,
but i washed it all the same.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Poems This Week

____________________________________________________________

beelzebozo: "letters"
Dresden: Expectations
Bootaaay: An Ode to Oscar (the former life of the party) *
Ashes1396: Nobody has time in the city of London for anyone else
Trip Warhawkins: A meaningless affair
Snowman Prophet of Doom: Indigestion
AnkitT: You expected a title? Really?
hey_monkey: For Monica*
____________________________________________________________



Quick reminder:

* Any level of crit is welcome.
* Vote for your favourite three poems, ranking them first, second, and third.
* If you have submitted a poem, you have to vote in order to be eligible to win.
* You don't have to have submitted a poem to vote.
* You should get your votes in by: Sunday, July 25th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific.
* See op for more details.

Good luck everyone!

____________________________________________________________

*Secondary Objective based poem.
____________________________________________________________
Not elgible for voting, but enjoy and comment on the poem anyway:

AlteredBeast: I thought I saw upon my rise....
 
T

Tim the Wiz

Banned
Ha, I was halfway through a poem before I realized the deadline was over. Needless to say, these competition times can be difficult to navigate in Ausland. But I'll definitely write an ode for the next one.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Mine is roughly secondary objective. I took the whole "use this as a jumping off point" thing and ran with it this time. :lol
 
A

AlteredBeast

Fork 'em, Sparky!
I thought I saw upon my rise
a bright, new day with sun and sky
it was instead the turning point;
the day of my demise


Oh...this is over already? :( I was going to write a good one.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Man, for such a smallish field, this is damn tough. Or maybe because it's a smallish field and there are a lot of things I like about each poem. I must not be alone in this, from the lack of responses!
 
I

Irish

Member
1) Ashes1396: Nobody has time in the city of London for anyone else
2) Bootaaay: An Ode to Oscar (the former life of the party)
3) AnkitT: You expected a title? Really?

HM) hey_monkey: For Monica

_______________

Damn, I completely forgot about this. I actually had a great idea too. :(
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
1. Ashes1396 - Nobody has time in the city of London for anyone else (really enjoyed this one, some great imagery)
2. beelzebozo - Letters (succinct and perfect)
3. hey_monkey - For Monica (irregular ode? I couldn't figure any pattern in rhyme or stanza, but even so this flows really well)
 
K

kid ness

Member
I totally forgot the deadline was friday! Great entries this week though, everyone. I'll have my votes posted soon.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
1- Bootaaay
2- Ashes1396
3- Dresden

Very high quality turnout this time. Also, gotta remind myself to not drunk write again.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
I am learning to accept my one-track mind. :/

As for structure... yeah, mine is definitely a broken "ode," more in the spirit of the form than in the form itself. I am not much for form... my attempt at the dream song of weeks ago will probably do me as far as form goes for about six years. :lol

I am enjoying poetry a lot more than I thought I would. Can't wait to see the next challenge.
 
K

kid ness

Member
1) Bootaay
2) AnkitT
3) Ashes3186

Thank you Ashes for compiling the list of entries.
What a great lot! You should all be proud. :D
 
B

Barbacoatl

Banned
1) Ashes1396: Nobody has time in the city of London for anyone else
2) Bootaaay: An Ode to Oscar (the former life of the party)
3) Hey_Monkey: For Monica

Just in time, great stuff from everyone. I had a blast attempting to write my first English poem, looking forward to more contributions.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Crits

beelzebozo: "letters" - I didn't understand the last two lines but nicely constructed with meaning embedded on a couple of layers.

Dresden: Expectations - Good take on the theme; took me a few seconds to work it out.

Bootaaay: An Ode to Oscar (the former life of the party) * - I thought it was one person but in the end I am lost as to who it can be. I'd really like to know who this is referring to.

Trip Warhawkins: A meaningless affair - A likable entry, a straight like an arrow poem.

Snowman Prophet of Doom: Indigestion - Although you had some decent imagery I couldn't really work out whether anything above the surface was going on.

AnkitT: You expected a title? Really? - The words are there but I don't understand the construction.

hey_monkey: For Monica* - Seemed to work rhythmically but it lost it somewhere in the middle, just about when I got the feeling rhythm was more important then what the piece had to say.

AlteredBeast: I thought I saw upon my rise.... - That was a nice little poem. I have a feeling it would have done well had you written it in time.

Votes

1. Dresden
2. Beelzebozo
3. Bootaaay

Afterthoughts

I liked a good deal of the poems this week. It's a shame some people couldn't submit their pieces because they thought the deadline was further away. The way I remember it is that the writing thread concludes one week, the poetry thread concludes the other.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Trip Warhawkins said:
Just in time, great stuff from everyone. I had a blast attempting to write my first English poem, looking forward to more contributions.
Click to expand...

This was your first poem in English?! Damn, son. Way to be.
 
B

Barbacoatl

Banned
hey_monkey, that's very sweet of you and it motivates me to read more stuff written in English, since my vocabulary is quite limited. I came across Leonard Cohen's poetry today and it made me realize how foolish my attempt is but I enjoy it a lot anyway. Cheers.
 
S

Snowman Prophet of Doom

Member
Ashes1396 said:
Snowman Prophet of Doom: Indigestion - Although you had some decent imagery I couldn't really work out whether anything above the surface was going on.
Click to expand...

That's totally how I feel about it as well. I really didn't put that much effort into it; I was more just playing around with language and trying to slant common imagery just a bit, with a couple of willfully obtuse images thrown in for good measure. I haven't written any poems in a long while, so I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. I'm going to try and write something a lot more substantial with my next one.

Edit: Also, his style of criticism is very confrontational and absolutist, but I think that Dan Schneider of cosmoetica.com has some really well-formed opinions about poetry (and writing in general), if anybody is interested.
 
B

beelzebozo

Jealous Bastard
some really nice poems this week. i don't know much about poetry--i mostly write short fiction--but from my totally plebeian perspective this was very enjoyable.

hopefully i can continue to produce for the next activity.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Trip Warhawkins said:
hey_monkey, that's very sweet of you and it motivates me to read more stuff written in English, since my vocabulary is quite limited. I came across Leonard Cohen's poetry today and it made me realize how foolish my attempt is but I enjoy it a lot anyway. Cheers.
Click to expand...


Well, we can't all be Leonard Cohen, but I waffled over giving you a vote for a while, so clearly, your first English poem resonated with me! Seriously, I am always impressed by you guys who are writing in other languages. I'm not even sure I could pull off a (bad) haiku in another language, much less a more full-bodied poem.

eta: oy, I guess someone should compile votes. I'll start counting. I am pretty sure it's Ashes ftw.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
I never trust my own count... this is what I have:

Ashes 17
Bootaaaaaaaaay 16
hey_monkey 11
beelzebozo 8
Dresden 8
Snowman Prophet of Doom 3
AnkitT 3

Especially when it's so close between the first two, we need another count! hey_monkey's math and counting is super fail.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Results

1. Ashes1396: *****20
2. Bootaaay: **13
3. Hey_Monkey:**11



Full List

1. Ashes1396: *****20
2. Bootaaay: **13
3. Hey_Monkey:**11
4. beelzebozo:*8
5. Dresden:*8
6. AnkitT:3
7. Snowman Prophet of Doom: 3
8. Trip Warhawkins

Not Eligible

9. AlteredBeast


*denotes number of 1st places.

Thank you to everyone who entered, voted, participated, critiqued; Kidness - for the thread, theme and secondary objective; and Hey_Monkey for the first vote count. That's my count above. Feel absolutely free to do a final check before we chalk it down to the history books.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
Ashes1396 said:
AnkitT: You expected a title? Really? - The words are there but I don't understand the construction.
Click to expand...
I was pissed drunk at the time I wrote that, so it is full of half-baked half lost in translation limbo ideas, so forgive me! :lol
 
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