• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #87 - "Balance"

Status
Not open for further replies.
The old, rusted pipe stretched across the river, next to the bridge adorned with gilded cherubs that separated town from park.

"Bet you can't walk across it" Tommy dared.

"Bet I can, but I bet you can't do it as fast as me" double dared Mike, as he hopped up on to the wall and eased himself onto the pipe.

Tommy stared, mouth agape, as Mike, poised like a tight-rope walker, arms held out straight beside him, broke into a run and ran the length of the pipe in no time at all, with only the slightest of wobbles at the end.

"And it's all 9's from the judges, the crowd goes wild!" shouts Mike from the other side, bounding around in mock celebration while Tommy tries to quell the butterflies in his stomach. He eases himself on the pipe, closes his eyes and tries to centre his balance. The wind conspiratorially blows with a powerful gust that sets his knees a-wobble and he lets out the slightest of whimpers. Tommy's scared, but he's not about to lose face, and besides, Mike's bragging would be unbearable if Tommy, double dared, couldn't replicate the task. He inches his feet forwards tentatively, the slipperiness of the riveted metal slight cause for alarm beneath the soft soles of his sneakers.

"Come on! Just leg it!" shouts Mike, but Tommy can't. His legs are betraying him, like leaden lumps of awkwardly joined metal they creak, resisting his commands, his body refusing to take the risk his mind has instructed.

"I...I can't. I think I'm stuck." wails Tommy, standing there, stiff legged and half-crouched like a rodent poised to flee. He looks to Mike, hoping to see something in his face that will help him move, but instead all he sees is his own fear mirrored in his friends features.

"Oh shit...stay there man, I'll go get help." and with that Mike disappears from sight.

OK Tommy, you can do this, he tells himself unconvincingly. But this was, of course, typical. He tried to be more like Mike, he really did, and he envied the ease at which his friend competed in all things physical with out a worry or concern for the possible outcomes. Always lunging in for a challenge on the football pitch, crunching bodies together in rugby, jumping the yawning gap between stairwells at school with the greatest of ease. Tommy wanted to be more like Mike, but his fear always let him down.

No, he resolved, he was going to do this. He'd been double dared. Taking a deep breath, he finally found his balance and, exhaling, he broke into a run, arms streaming beside him and shoes slapping against the slick, rusting metal beneath his feet. In the split-seconds he had in this moment, he felt exhilarated. He had, for once, overcome his fear and now, he was going to make it! He really was, as Mike's face reappeared at the other side with a gaggle of concerned and alarmed grown-ups.

And then the pipe simply wasn't there any more. For a brief, infinitesimal second he was free, completely detached from any surface his body hung, feet flailing in empty air, before the cold, hard grip of gravity brought the pipe back towards him. He crashed side-on to the metal, hitting his head and feeling something crack beneath him. An arm? A rib? He couldn't be sure, as he looked into the shocked faces of the on-lookers and fell towards the river, hitting the surface of the shallow water with a splash.

He knew he was in pain, but it was a dull annoyance in the background. His head felt warm and sticky, his blood leaking freely from a gash on his temple to mix with the steady trickle of water that flowed beneath his form. He tried to move, but only succeeded in wracking his body with pain, so instead he laid there and waited. It wasn't long before he heard the splash of feet through water and Mike arrived, grown-ups in tow. He looked into his friends face, ashen white as he stared at Tommy's broken form, so Tommy smiled, attempting to let him know he was OK, speech beyond his grasp through the cloudy haze of concussion, as if all the air had been knocked out of him.

Later, with two broken ribs and a fractured elbow, Tommy sat in the hospital bed, eating crisps with his one good arm and watching TV. His parents had arrived earlier and fussed over him, but now had to return to work, which frankly he was grateful for. His mother's tears were unbearable. The man who had drove him there came to visit, he was a mechanic at the nearby garage and laughed as he said he'd never seen anyone flip like that in mid-air. Mike came to visit not long after, but he was subdued. Either because he was feeling guilty at daring Tommy into making the run, or because this was the first time he'd seen a situation turn sour, Tommy couldn't decide.

So instead he settled for a dare. "When I get out of here, I bet you can't jump off the pipe into the river."

"Too bloody right!" Mike replied, with a laugh.
 

Cyan

Banned
Ledger (1130)

Quiet night at the front desk. The radio blared the Tigers game, tinny and high, from the back of the store. One of the loaders, maybe David, was singing a pop song in the garage, slightly off-key.

Erle drummed his fingers on the counter and dared to think he might get home a little early. It was boring, sure, but if no one came in, he could shut things up and get out quick. And maybe Sara would be at home, and maybe they could--

The door opened with a gentle chime, admitting a sharp knife of cold air and a woman. She wore a long overcoat, high-heeled boots, and a determined expression. She glanced around the room slowly, methodically, as though memorizing it, before finally looking up and meeting Erle's stare with a cold gaze.

http://tinypaste.com/74ec538d (pw: neogaf)
 

Ashes

Banned
__________________________________________

The last entries of 2011 are as follows:
____________________

----------------------------------------------------------

avTA6.jpg


Alfarif - Precipice
----------------------------------------------------------

[Mugshot
space
reserved
for the
awesomeness
that is
bakemono]

bakemono - Tight Rope Act
----------------------------------------------------------

dKVh6.jpg


John Dunbar - The Abridger
----------------------------------------------------------

1G9dQ.png


Grakl - Communication with Another
----------------------------------------------------------

uMTZE.jpg


Tim the Wiz - Fool's Mate
----------------------------------------------------------

ZBRgm.jpg


Tangent - "Acceptance Speech"
----------------------------------------------------------

yqXBt.jpg


Ashes1396 - “The Holidays” or “As the Snow Falls in the Welsh Valleys”
----------------------------------------------------------

Ca608.jpg


Bootaaay - Double Dare
----------------------------------------------------------

tl55A.gif


Cyan - Ledger
----------------------------------------------------------

lzC4v.png


Mike Works - Entered like a ghost and stuff
----------------------------------------------------------

rOlFb.jpg


Irish - Claims he didn't enter or forgot the deadline or something
----------------------------------------------------------
Deadline:

t1325491200z4.png
 

Irish

Member
Motherfu... Why in the world did I think the deadline was going to be the 1st for submissions? I've been away from these things for far too long.
 

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Some of these are so long, haha. Gonna have to set out a while to read em all!

Thanks Ashes!


Indeed, this is the risk of the longer word limit!

This may be TMI, but I usually read two stories every time I go to the bathroom. Helps pass the time and I'm completely focused on the content with no distractions.
 

Ashes

Banned
I haven't read your story yet, but this article was fascinating. I couldn't get to page 2 or 3 without logging in with the site. Do you have the article in a pdf or something that you could share?

I didn't realize that it needed a log in, sorry. Automatic log in and all that.

I'll pm you a copy when I get home...

Oh just to be clear, it's background reading for last week's story. But it is interesting... yeah. :)

Edit: pm sent.
 

Ashes

Banned
Alfarif - Precipice - the story was a little lacklustre. but it was so wonderfully written, and I really liked this.

bakemono - Tight Rope Act - editing skills out the window, this meandered this way and that, but ended up being very likeable.

John Dunbar - The Abridger - storybook magic all through this, but the points mattered less towards the end and became a little bit over-stretched.

Grakl - Communication with Another - Short and cool, but it's kind of like stuff I've read before, so slightly jaded in that regard... you didn't really need to refer to 'this human' quite as much... and I'm not sure what the overall point was; I guess it was pointing to our social nature as a species...

Tim the Wiz - Fool's Mate - overwritten and dense beginning, but lovely to read and digest; it was perhaps spoilt by the two guys in the middle section being very much alike, but a nice ending though.

Tangent - "Acceptance Speech"- dry humour didn't make me laugh. Perhaps I just wasn't in the mood.

Ashes1396 - “The Holidays” or “As the Snow Falls in the Welsh Valleys” - bugger off already, you welsh drunkard you and your long ass road names, story titles whatevers...

Bootaaay - Double Dare - quickly written and quickly read; nice enough read; would have been better with more time I think. Reminded me of my own childhood.

Cyan - Ledger - build up was nice; but there ain't no way he wouldn't have not known her. the balance of ethics passages didn't work for me, and the ending was a forced resolution, but it worked.

mike work - like a ghost huh? where's that speech?

irish - and nothing from you but excuses, excuses, excuses...

Votes

1. John Dunbar - The Abridger - Spell binding stuff.
2. Alfarif - Precipice - So well thought out and written.
2. Cyan - Ledger - Really interesting comment on the human condition

hm bakemono - Tight Rope Act - edited up, this would be up there no doubt
hm Tim the Wiz - Fool's Mate - good, good, good,

wait a sec, I could easily reverse that top 5.
 
mike work - like a ghost huh? where's that speech?
Here! Oh, and in order to make sense of the end of the speech, I was one of the two Best Men at the wedding.



Balance
wordcount: some


Exactly one week ago, Rob and I went downtown with his father Pete to try on our tuxes, and when we got there, I started thinking about things to talk about for this speech. All I could think of were these abstract buzzwords like “serendipity” and “eternal bliss”, so I asked Rob if he and Carolyn had written their vows yet, hoping to find some inspiration. He turned to me and said, “Yeah, we just took some gay marriage vows and put our names into it.”

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is [Mike Works], and I’ve been best friends with Rob for twenty years now. And I know it’s become almost customary for the best man to share an embarrassing anecdote about the groom, but I’m not going to do that, because I honestly don’t have a single one. I mean, sure, I’ve heard second-hand stories involving someone’s father opening his bathroom the morning after a high school party, only to find Rob sleeping buck naked on his floor, but I wouldn’t tell a story that embarrassing since it’s purely conjecture.

What I can tell you about, first hand, is the kind of man that Robin’s grown up to become. In the two decade that we’ve been friends, I’ve never once seen Rob hit, or even really yell at anyone, even as a kid. He never really talks openly about his emotions, and he can be a hard guy to read sometimes, but since we’ve been friends for so long, I can tell when Rob gets frustrated. That frustration has been there when he’s been injured in soccer games, it was there when he was having trouble getting into university… and it was there one a Monday morning in elementary school when this kid drew a cartoon comic about Rob going on his first ever date to the movies with a girl... and his dad. That kid circulated that comic around the entire school, and even though Rob laughed it off, I was close enough to the situation to see that it bugged him. Now I can’t tell you who that kid was, but he’s certainly not up here giving a speech right now.

My point is this: about five or six years ago, I started to notice that Rob was getting frustrated less and less. And while this could be attributed to the success he’s achieved in graduation UBC’s HKIN program, or the fact that the Vancouver Canucks have utterly destroyed the Calgary Flames in that timeframe, I’m going to side with Occam’s Razor and points out that almost exactly six years ago, Rob met Carolyn Ming.

And while I did laugh after Rob told me the source of their vows last week, it now seems so strangely perfect, because that New Years night when you two met, you didn’t find serendipity or eternal bliss or anything like that. You found a partner.

Carolyn, I’d like to thank you for infusing my buddy’s life with more happiness and stability than he had ever known. And while I will miss the enjoyment that came from provoking him, nobody really likes Rob when he’s being a Grumpy Gus.

And Rob, I know that you have a deep and everlasting love for.. romantic movies – don’t argue. But I hope that you never get too swept up in their sugar-coated ideals of serendipity or eternal bliss, because the love and companionship that you have with that girl is more concrete than anything else.

And so, since I’m 50% of a best man, at a Chinese wedding, featuring a bi-racial couple, and homosexual wedding vows, I’d like to propose a surprisingly traditional toast:

To the bride and groom. To partners in love. To Rob and Carolyn.
 

John Dunbar

correct about everything
1. bakemono

The strengths I feel were mostly in Eric's and Julia's history and how you presented them, despite a surprising number of spelling and grammatical errors, which I don't remember seeing from you before. The ending rang a bit false to me: his decision to murder his wife came across as vulgar in the context of the story, and while having his wife go along with the plan was certainly an interesting choice, I do not thing it fit with how you established her character: while she certainly would have been protective of the social facade they had going, I feel that if she knew of his plan she would have been most likely to trap him into the marriage while somehow saving herself. To put it briefly: she felt highly conscious of her image and of what was expected of her, but not subservient, certainly not to the degree your story called for.

2. Ashes1396

There were some mistakes (writing Austen as Austin confused me for a moment) and strange choices (the boyfriend saying "I wonder if your brother Simon knows?" was a clear blunder, as she knows she has a brother and she knows his name: it was clearly meant to give the reader information in an unnatural fashion. He should have just said "your brother", and she should have called him Simon, letting the reader put it together). As a fan of Terry Pratchett I love footnotes, but I do not think they were utilized well here. The way they were used felt like this story was in an anthology and the editor has added footnotes to let the reader understand what a writer meant, not how a writer himself should use them. I feel footnotes should be used to in some creative fashion, not to hold the reader's hand. But the meat of the story worked, and at its best it was a delightful portrait of a family.

3. Tim the Wiz

At first the wife cheating in their home felt a bit too convenient, a bit forced. Where are the kids? The ending was wonderful, however; Adam’s failure to even commit suicide really highlighted the futility he must be feeling. What came before didn’t quite match it: the image of him, pathetic and with an empty gun, is a powerful way to end the story, but I feel it could have had more weight behind it. Perhaps I was looking for something in the story you had not intended, but the situation of the protagonist and the meeting with an old friend could have acted as a launching pad for an excellent glory days/fall from grace story.

HM: Alfarif

It may be that I just did not quite understand what you were going for with this piece, but I think the brevity works against you here; it's more of a scene than than a story. I am a big fan of leaving as much out of a story as possible to let the reader fill in the blanks, but here I just don't think is enough to really let you sink your teeth into it. Of course it is always possible to write a story that just throws you into the middle of action with no real beginning or conclusion, but it takes certain narrative quality that creates at least some sense of meaning behind the seemingly meaningless action that I do not think was quite achieved here. So either this story went over my head or is too much of a fragment, but either way it is a shame because it is well written and could work as a part of a larger whole.

----------

past midnight here and i'm desperately trying to score some free loot from bingo, so stopping with the crits. if someone wants one, i can post it tomorrow.
 

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Here are my votes:

1. Tim the Wiz
2. Cyan
3. Grakl

HM: Mike Works ... haha... NOT! PicardWTFISTHIS.gif ;)
 

Cyan

Banned
Sorry, too braindead on New Years to give decent crits. Reaping the wages of sin, etc.

Some good stuff this time, though the extended word limit did cause some rambling. ;)

Votes:
1. Ashes1396 - “The Holidays” or “As the Snow Falls in the Welsh Valleys”
2. bakemono - "Tight Rope Act"
3. Tim the Wiz - "Fool's Mate"
HM: Tangent, Bootaaay

-∞. Mike Works - "Like a Ghost"


P.S. Ashes, it's weird you having an actual pic there and all. It's almost like I'm talking to a real person instead of a robot!
 

Grakl

Member
1. John Dunbar - "The Abridger"
2. Tim the Wiz - "Fool's Mate"
3. Alfarif - "Precipice"

HM: Tangent - "Acceptance Speech"
 
1. Cyan
2. Bootaaay (Captured the fearlessness and joy of childhood wonderfully, but could have used more expansion. Still, you really wrote this in half an hour? /jealous)
3. Alfarif

HMs: JD & Grakl (loved the premise behind each of these stories); Ashes

Almost feel guilty not mentioning the others. This was a pretty close one, which is reflected in the vote count right now.

P.S. Ashes, it's weird you having an actual pic there and all. It's almost like I'm talking to a real person instead of a robot!

Oddly enough, he looks kinda like what I imagined. Imagination victory!
 

Tangent

Member
(Regarding Ashes' avatar)
Oddly enough, he looks kinda like what I imagined. Imagination victory!

Wow, pretty good imagination! I always imagined a sweater. I mean, regardless of the weather. Long-sleeved, plain, maybe burnt orange, sweater.



1. Bootaaay
2. Cyan
3. JohnDunbar
HM: Alfarif, Tim the Wiz

Sorry, relatives in town. Can't really put in crits this time.
 
Ah damn it, sorry for not getting my votes in - I fell asleep while reading :/ Wouldn't have changed much anyways, as I was going to vote for Cyan's piece. Congrats man.

Tim the Wiz said:
2. Bootaaay (Captured the fearlessness and joy of childhood wonderfully, but could have used more expansion. Still, you really wrote this in half an hour? /jealous)

Thanks, it was more like 40 minutes, although I'm quite surprised I managed to write it out so fast myself. Really wish I could do that more often.
 

Grakl

Member
Grats Cyan, I'm afraid to admit that by the time I submitted my results I was half asleep and meant to put you on one of my top three T.T

I should use a doc for this, haha. Can't wait for the next one! I actually got mentions this time, so that makes me happy :D
 

starsky

Member
JD, Ashes, thanks for the feedback... I had relatives around and wasn't able to concentrate with the edit.

(have cleaned it up now)

Much appreciated !
 

Ashes

Banned
JD, Ashes, thanks for the feedback... I had relatives around and wasn't able to concentrate with the edit.

(have cleaned it up now)

Much appreciated !

cheers. I do go back and read stuff from time to time. While away an afternoon or something.
 

Cyan

Banned
Thanks dudes!

Sorry I'm taking so long. Wanted to wait until today's games were over, or the theme would've been "Rose Bowl." And the secondary objective would've been having Cal in the Rose Bowl. Which, let me tell you, is probably too difficult for anyone here.

I thought of a cool secondary, but I think it'll take a bit too much set up. So maybe another time. Think I'll go with something simpler.

P.S. What happened to Grakl?
 

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Looks like he was trying to be funny in the Furry thread and failed in the delivery.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom