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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #97 - "The Other Side of the Fence"

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Cyan

Banned
Theme - "The Other Side of the Fence"

Word Limit: 2000

Submission Deadline: Friday, May 18 by 11:59 PM Pacific.

Voting begins Saturday, May 19, and goes until Monday, May 21 at 11:59 PM Pacific.

Optional Secondary Objective: Myers-Briggs / Enneagram

Practice fleshing out your main character's personality by choosing either a Myers-Briggs Type or an Enneagram type. If you like, share it with us! (maybe in spoiler tags?)
If you want, you could even get into character and then take an online personality test...


Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes
 

GSR

Member
Mmmrgh. I keep meaning to give these a shot, and now that I finally find one that isn't already over I see the deadline is smack dab in the middle of exams for me.
 

Cyan

Banned
Mmmrgh. I keep meaning to give these a shot, and now that I finally find one that isn't already over I see the deadline is smack dab in the middle of exams for me.

I guess you'll have to write now instead of waiting for the deadline. ;)
 

Sober

Member
Had a couple ideas bouncing around I think should work with this week. Hopefully I am in (unless Diablo 3 kills me).
 

Cyan

Banned
Whew, finally got a notion for this one. Fully-formed, but it's not as fun as I feel like it should be...
 

iavi

Member
Lucky, kinda. I've had a starting scene for a few days now with no idea of how to progress past it.
 
I might not get home until quite late tonight (where I've got some typed up scenes on my laptop, but nothing complete), so you might see a 3am submission from me. It still counts if the sun isn't up in the Pacific yet!
 

Sober

Member
Wanderer (1111 words, really!)

Try as he might, it was like no one could see him. Russel kept his thumb held up and continued walking along the freeway. He counted at least two dozen trucks passing him by but not a single one came to a stop to lend a helping hand. In the distance he saw a destination board, the nearest city or town over a hundred miles away. This was going to take a while to reach on foot, he thought to himself.

The last thing Russel could remember was sitting up in a hospital bed, surrounded by the few friends and family that cared to make it. He was dying of something but he never could understand anything the doctors said because all that mattered is he was dying and there wasn’t anything they could do. He remembered closing his eyes because he just felt so tired. The next thing he knew, he found himself waking up on the side of a freeway. He sat for hours trying to hail anyone for a ride, but the only progress he made was deciding on what direction to start walking towards.

“West. They all seem to be going west.”

He began running through different possibilities through his mind. Was all that in the hospital a dream? He could not recall ever being out in the middle of nowhere, miles away from a city, so how did he end up here? Why was he walking instead of driving? Did someone just drop him out in the middle of nowhere after they thought he died?

“No, that doesn’t make sense. There would be a funeral and everything. Someone would have noticed that I … my body was missing.”

Another half dozen vehicles passed but as before, none of them stopped. Russel had not set his arm down for hours. He wondered why he didn’t feel the need to switch arms or just give up entirely. His muscles didn’t ache, and now he wondered if he was alive at all. He placed his hand over his chest and could feel the beat. And again. Then he checked his wrists for a pulse and then his neck for good measure. His pulse was there. Why wasn’t he tired yet?

“If I’m dead, why do I have a heartbeat? If I’m alive, why don’t I feel tired at all?”

By the time the sun had started set, Russel had reached another destination board.

“Socahtowa – 20”

Must be a small town, he thought to himself. At least when he arrived he would get the help he needed.

“Welcome to Socahtowa!
Population 5,916”

It had become completely dark out by the time he reached the town’s limits. He figured it might be a few more miles of walking before he got to the centre of town. Russel thought that he might as well reward walking all day by taking a break.

“I guess a night under the stars wouldn’t hurt.”

Russel wasn’t feeling tired even after that day-long walk but decided that he had earned some rest. He closed his eyes and as far as he knew, he drifted into sleep. He woke with the sun in his eyes and felt rejuvenated, even though he did not feel tired the night before.

Upon reaching the town centre, he noticed people darting in and out of storefronts and other buildings. Russel tried getting their attention by yelling, waving his arms – anything he could muster. No one seemed to pay any attention to him. It was as if he were invisible.

“What am I, invisible or something? Sir! Over here! Excuse me please! Miss? Hello?”

Growing frustrated at being ignored, he took matters in his own hands. He approached a man as he was window shopping and tried to tap his shoulder. Instead, his hand passed through the man’s shoulder. The man gave off a small shudder and then walked away from the window. Russel just stood in silence, staring at his hand. He went to grab a nearby trash can. Solid. He could feel it, so did not understand what happened moments ago.

He tried again and again. He hand passed through someone else. Then another. Someone from behind him walked straight through him and continued on their way.

“What the hell is going on? Am I a ghost? No, no, no. I have a heartbeat. It has to be something else!”

He placed his hand on his chest again to console himself. The beat was still there.

Distraught, he headed to the fountain at the nearby park and just sat on the edge for hours, trying to explain to himself what just happened. Was he really a ghost? Or were all these people illusions? Maybe he really was hallucinating, that would explain it, he thought.

“I’m probably … probably hallucinating right? I was walking out in the sun for hours. Maybe I’m still there! Wake up!” He slapped himself but nothing happened. He tried to pinch himself. All he could produce was a loud “OUCH!”

“Hey you, over there!”

Russel looked up into the crowd of people at the park and couldn’t make out the voice. He looked behind but couldn’t see anyone.

“You, with the mopey face! By the fountain!”

Russel scanned around the area but there was no one but him. Someone crazy just shooting their mouth? He looked up and noticed a woman with a brown top and jeans walking towards him.

“Yeah, you. It’s not a dream you know. Name’s Angela.”

“You can see me?”

“Your mother didn’t teach you any manners?”

“Sorry?”

“I was asking your name, mopey face. Unless that’s what you prefer...”

“Oh. Russel. What do you mean it isn’t a dream?”

“Saw you slap and pinch yourself. It’s not a dream.”

“If it isn’t a dream then, what is it?”, asked Russel.

“You’re dead. Guess they missed your arrival. Happens sometimes.”

“I’m dead? Are you sure?” Russel seemed distraught by the revelation.

“It’s not that big of a deal. So am I.”, she answered.

“Okay … what did say about being ‘missed’?”

“Someone … upstairs should have come to help you along shortly after you died. Guess they aren’t always the punctual type”, Angela explained.

“So I guess that makes me a ghost?”

“I guess you could put it that way. C’mon, take my hand, we’ll get this all sorted out.”

“Where are we going?”, asked Russel.

“Upstairs, I like to call it. Some call it Heaven, some call it the Hereafter,” she sighed, “guess I didn’t have anything better to do today anyway.”

“What were you doing before you found me?”, asked Russel.

“I was just about to go for a walk.”
 

Cyan

Banned
I might not get home until quite late tonight (where I've got some typed up scenes on my laptop, but nothing complete), so you might see a 3am submission from me. It still counts if the sun isn't up in the Pacific yet!

Works, I am disappoint!
 
Works, I am disappoint!
As dumb as this sounds, I've actually really enjoyed these past 3 challenges, because I have legit short stories brewing from all three.

Granted the last challenge sparked the idea for a story about a Mitt Romney impersonator and I'm not sure how far I'm going to take that, but this challenge and the one before the last pushed me to come up with some really good stuff. Maybe I'll post it sometime :p
 

Ward

Member
Ashes - Better
I really like part 1, but part 2 didn't have the same feel. I was getting tripped up on the 'voice' of each character. Part 1 established Joe's voice clearly. He was likeable. Part 2, just seemed like a jumble. I get Joe and the kid are from/in similar situations but their voices should be more distinct.

Grakl- The Reporter
Oh, just the intro. It was good start, could use another editing pass.

Bootaaay- The Watcher
I'm loving this. Slowly unfolding what Greg is up to... it's solid writing. Awesome conclusion And the last line was perfect, gives a bigger impact to all of your Gregory felt... lines.
Bravo, this was awesome.

Miri- The Transcriptionsist
I can't put my finger on it. The he and the her, the names I'm not quite sure how to pronounce... It also needs to be fleshed out. The characters aren't deep enough to make an impact.

Cyan- Dream
"so as not to bring the harsh light of day upon them" Awesome line.
The writing is top notch. I wish I had progressed a fraction of what you have over the years in these challenges.
The story left me wanting. Oh, the dream is actually reality, and reality is the dream. That's just not enough for me.

Sober- Wanderer
Really curious what Russ was wearing on the side of the highway. Hospital robe? Street clothes?
The invisible lines were a bit heavy handed and removed any tension. Especially since your big reveal is in the next line.

Tangent- Special
Well done. You gave the kid a good voice, the story feels genuine.


VOTES

1. The Watcher - Bootaaay
2. Dream - Cyan
3. Special - Tangent
HM: Better (Part 1) - Ashes
 

Cyan

Banned
1. Bootaaay - "The Watcher" - While I think this could've been streamlined a bit, it was effective. The somewhat odd structure paid off in spades with the last line. Great work.
2. Ward - "Something like a 'G' thing." - Thirty-seven?! Mostly enjoyed the repartee in this one, though it occasionally grated. Got confused between some of the characters at times.
3. Tangent - "Special" - Pretty sure anyone with siblings has felt like this at times. The beginning felt very honest. I think the reach for a happy, reconciliation ending might've been a bit too much of a stretch given the lack of set up for it. I mean, I buy that she can be nice to her brother, just not that it marks a real change in their relationship.

HM - Ashes - "Better" - Same narrator in both parts? It was an interesting piece that hit the right notes, but it also felt pretty slapdash. Could've really used some smoothing over.
 

Tangent

Member
Crits:

Ashes -- "Better": I liked Part 1 far more than Part 2. I think actually I liked both independently, but it felt too disjointed, at first, to read the 2nd part right after the first. I liked the voice of the main character, but only after the first two paragraphs. Overall, though, I do like the premise you set up as well.

Grakl - "The Reporter": I really liked the concept of this. If the characters' personalities were more fleshed out, the observations made by Pete would have felt more meaningful as well. I like what you were constructing though. Keep this one and build on it!

Ward - "Something like a 'G' thing": Never have read better nervous dialog than this. But at times, it did feel more like a sitcom rather than a short story, maybe because it felt unbelievable that Ryan would be that worked up. Other than that, very engaging and very well done, and easy to visualize.

Bootaaay - "The Watcher" : I've always wanted to read a piece like this. It's so much easier to write about all action and adventure actually occurring from the main character, rather than what is more probable: sitting in front of the screen. It had almost a poetic feel to it, which made me wonder though if your story would have served better as a poem? Though I'm not sure. I liked your narration as a story too.

Miri - "The Transcriptionist" - Entry #1/Entry #2: This was fun to read in the eyes of the main character. However, I wanted to know more about how the He, Her, Marish, and Ricesh, and the narrator, were all involved -- the intricacies of their relationships. But you have a nice setup, and you could spice it up with more character development to make the escape and/or the punishment more emotional for the reader.

Cyan - "Dream": I like how you connected the dream to consciousness and sleep/wake cycles, etc. On the flip side, the characters felt a flatter than what I usually get from your writing. IDK. But I like how you presented your paragraphs, built the plot very smoothly, and left food for thought on truth, announcements/proclamations, and emotions.

Sober - "Wanderer": Honestly, I can't even crit this right now. I'm scared out of my mind! I don't even think this was meant to be a scary story but somehow it hit me hard. I think I read something vaguely similar to this as a kid that freaked me out for at least a year or two and this reminded me of that earlier story. Or at least, that is my excuse. Anyway, very well done, if that isn't obvious..... (edit) OK I'm ready to add more. I think what I liked was how honestly you wrote about this character's experience. I looked at my hand when the main character looked at his. And, after I finished the story, I wanted to read the whole thing again. Good pace, too. And you wrote the interesting glitch with the hospital like a fleeting moment, which is difficult, but well done here.

Votes:
1. Sober
2. Cyan
3. Bootaaay
HM: Miri, Ashes, Ward, heck... all of these stories were fun to read. Cool to see so much diversity with this prompt.
 

Sober

Member
Votes:
1. Bootaaay
2. Ward
3. Cyan

HMs: Tangent, Ashes (part 1; similar comments about pt2, just felt disjointed to read on the first go at least)

I think I am going to start posting in tidypub too. I just got a widescreen monitor so now all my posts are stretched to 1920x1080. Not liking that when I paste my stuff from Word to GAF all my paragraphs become a few lines at best.


Cyan- Dream
"so as not to bring the harsh light of day upon them" Awesome line.
The writing is top notch. I wish I had progressed a fraction of what you have over the years in these challenges.
The story left me wanting. Oh, the dream is actually reality, and reality is the dream. That's just not enough for me.
I dunno about you, but after the first set I definitely started using my Jekkyl and Hyde head voices. Why do I do that to myself?
 
It's been a couple days since I read most of the stories, so these critiques may be a little foggy, but hopefully they're still somewhat useful.

Ashes - "Better": Very strong subject to tackle with a first person POV (it's hard not to get on the protagonist's side when they're getting bullied and no one is helping), though I felt the voice and some of the prose - while fairly unique - became a little too casual. The first section is definitely stronger than the second, though I appreciated the dichotomy between them. I don't know if you'd want to flesh this story out more, but I think there's certainly room for it.

Grakl - "The Reporter": Too little; instead of crafting a story, you pretty much just threw the theme and moral and everything else into a couple paragraphs. On a technical term, I'd suggest watching out for bloated sentences that aren't structured properly, or at least focused properly. Here are two examples:

As the small child grabbed a motorcycle and VROOM'd it on the sidewalk that lead from the house to a nearby shed, the father lovingly spoke to him about the future he'd have in the wonder-filled and clean world.

Here, you're asking our (mind's) eye to look at the child, then the motorcycle, then the sidewalk, then the house, then the shed, then to the father. That's a lot of spacial movement in just one sentence, especially when the scene doesn't call for nearly that much movement.

The father told him, as he put down the motorcycle and stomped in to the sandbox, of the opportunities the world would hold for him as people built themselves up to new heights.

This isn't as bad, but you're still distracting the reader from the vital information (what the father's saying) by starting with him talking, then moving us to the child's actions just as the father opens his mouth, then back to the content of the father's speech. It cleavers our attention in a way that doesn't seem purposeful.

Ward - "Something like a 'G' thing.": I honestly had a very difficult time reading this piece due to the formatting/structure. “Dialogue dialogue dialogue. Dialogue Dialogue.” Protagonist does an action that either isn’t necessary or is confusing as to whether it comes at the end of the last line of dialogue, or sandwiched in between two of earlier lines. Someone said it felt very much like a sitcom, and I’d agree with that. There’s nothing wrong with putting emphasis on dialogue, but the exposition and action and its structure felt very limp.

Bootaaay - "The Watcher": Very nice patterning. A strong and creative concept (this feels like it could be an actual job, which is scary), and interesting illumination of abusive relationships coupled with quasi-white knight syndrome. It’s not perfect, but a very strong young entry.

Miri - "The Transcriptionist": The language and world-building of these pieces fascinated me enough to get a second place vote. There’s not too much in the way of a story here, but I’d absolutely love to see this get fleshed out. Keep the voice and the diction and see what you can craft with it.

Cyan - "Dream": Even though I don’t think you meant the ending to be a twist, the fact that it’s so apparent early on (and yet unspecified by the story, thus giving the illusion that it’s trying to be hidden) lets this story down in a sense. I wanted to be surprised – not necessarily by a different twist, but just surprised – and I didn’t get that by the time I’d finished it. Still, it was crafted well enough to deserve a vote.

Sober – Wanderer: I had difficulty discerning the overall purpose of this story. There’s no surprise, no illumination, no introspection. I was also confused as the nature of the relationship between the narrator and the protagonist. At times the narrator would almost pose questions to the protagonist, and then the protagonist would respond (aloud) to these questions for no particular reason. Very puzzling. If you were to go back to this piece, I’d suggesting posing the question (to yourself): what’s the purpose of this story? What do you want to say with it? Pretty broad and all-encompassing questions to be sure, but never bad ones to ask.

Tangent - "Special": Some nice humor, insight, and a good voice + POV. However, I never felt connected with the stakes in this story, and I lost the protagonist’s motivation in the last scene. Most of her problems felt like things a whiney 14-year-old girl would complain about, and while that may be accurate given the narrator, it doesn’t necessarily make it enjoyable to read. You’ve done a strong job of fleshing out a relationship and conflict between the two siblings – I’d suggest finding a way to make that payoff with the pumpkins more coherent as to the protagonist’s goals earlier on in the story. Thread it all the way through if you can.

If anyone has questions about any of that, feel free to ask.
 

Grakl

Member
Votes:

1. Bootaaay - "The Watcher"
2. Cyan - "Dream"
3. Tangent - "Special"

Got it, Mike Works. I won't just throw up words on to an electronic screen next time for the hell of it, haha.
 

iavi

Member
Congrats, Bootaaay! That was indeed an awesome piece.

------


Miri- The Transcriptionsist
I can't put my finger on it. The he and the her, the names I'm not quite sure how to pronounce... It also needs to be fleshed out. The characters aren't deep enough to make an impact.


Miri - "The Transcriptionist" - Entry #1/Entry #2: This was fun to read in the eyes of the main character. However, I wanted to know more about how the He, Her, Marish, and Ricesh, and the narrator, were all involved -- the intricacies of their relationships. But you have a nice setup, and you could spice it up with more character development to make the escape and/or the punishment more emotional for the reader.

I can definitely can echo the issue. What I had in mind was an episodic bluish/black comedy that didn't focus on character revelations, or emotional weight as much as it focused on making someone laugh with the whimsical, tainted perspective of the narrator, but; Even for that, the opening entry definitely didn't set the scene well enough to carry the further episodes.


Miri - "The Transcriptionist": The language and world-building of these pieces fascinated me enough to get a second place vote. There’s not too much in the way of a story here, but I’d absolutely love to see this get fleshed out. Keep the voice and the diction and see what you can craft with it.

Thanks! Forgoing dialogue between the rest of the cast to maintain the Transcriptionist's voice/perspective was the larger goal in this, actually. And once I sittled on that, I found it incredibly fun to just settle into character and pump txt out. It's awesome to see that it worked with you.

I also plan to revisit it really soon. One of the thoughts behind it being episodic was that it's easy to just, to echo a bit, sit into character and pump txt out whenever a scenario comes to mind.

Thanks for the crits, guys! I didn't get around to returning the favor this challenge, but will make sure to in the next.
 
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