What's all this 'might,' huh? I totally accepted your challenge!
-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #99 - "History"
- Thread starter Jedeye Sniv
- Start date
- Status
British Monsoon
Member
Eh, I may need another hour or two, if that's cool - I ended up abandoning the idea I had and writing something totally different (again). One of these days I'm going to plan a freaking story, write it well before the deadline and leave enough time to do multiple drafts, but not today.
Final Lecture (1690 words)
cookies for those who can find obvious history references in my story/walls of text 
Cool to see some last-minute stories posted, looking forward to reading them all! Unfortunately I just finished my absurd "honey-do" list, and it's already past midnight, so I have nothing to post. I'll take all the notes I've compiled and post at least a proof-of-concept outline for the story I have in mind and eventually the completed thing, but obviously just for fun/critiquing purposes as the entry will be far too late to be considered for the challenge.
Mike Works
Member
Okay so how do I share PDF's through Dropbox? I've opened (Dropbox) in my browser... do I right-click the file there and select "Get Link"? Doing that gives me a URL, but since it's in my main Dropbox folder, I'm not sure if it's sharable.
Please give me the step-by-step on sharing PDF's through Dropbox so I can actually post an entry into one of these challenges, Writing GAF!
Please give me the step-by-step on sharing PDF's through Dropbox so I can actually post an entry into one of these challenges, Writing GAF!
Hmm... If only we could find a way to contact the person who does the faq section of the Creative Writing Thread.
Hmm...
Mike Works
Member
I don't think I have a public folder, and I have no idea how to make a folder public. I can share a folder, but that requires me to send out emails to people, which I don't think is right.
Mike Works
Member
But I don't
Post the URL and we'll see!
British Monsoon
Member
Fuck my life, my laptop just blue screened and I lost EVERYTHING. If I wasn't quite so tired, I'd be fucking raging right about now, instead I'll just crawl unhappily into bed
Fuck my life, my laptop just blue screened and I lost EVERYTHING. If I wasn't quite so tired, I'd be fucking raging right about now, instead I'll just crawl unhappily into bed
Sorry to hear that mate. You know somebody's going to make a pun related joke, right? Well, it definitely won't be me.
Mike Works
Member
Dropbox is a confusing jerk! Here are some links regarding Dropbox's new policy for linking shit that I found helpful:
http://techcrunch.com/2012/06/15/dr...-folders-but-existing-users-get-to-keep-them/
http://techcrunch.com/2012/04/23/dropbox-sharing-gets-ridiculously-easy-with-links/
Death to the supposed public folder!
http://techcrunch.com/2012/06/15/dr...-folders-but-existing-users-get-to-keep-them/
http://techcrunch.com/2012/04/23/dropbox-sharing-gets-ridiculously-easy-with-links/
Death to the supposed public folder!
Help Mike find folder
(click for bigger)
Maybe the entire folder is public?? I have no idea what's going on. Oh, and tell me if I've accidentally exposed my credit card number or some shit in those screen caps.
Mike Works
Member
They both work. 1 takes you to the Dropbox page where you can either download it or add it to your own Dropbox. 2 just straight downloads it.
Mike Works
Member
Well that was an ordeal. I edited one of my earlier posts to include links talking about Dropbox supposedly ditching the Public Folder in the near future.
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
Well, wasn't expecting quite so many entries this time, a nice surge last night while I was sleeping. Here's all the entries, enjoy!
Valerie Cherish - Jesus in Swag (1853 Words)
Cyan - Surfaces (~2500)
Jedeye Sniv - Tiger Hill (2489 words)
Tim the Wiz - Between the Lines
AngelKimne - A New History (~1000 words)
HP_Wuvcraft - Gods and Shit
Tangent - This Song of Mine
Sober - Final Lecture (1690 words)
Ashes1396 - Ephermeral Hearts
Mike Works - The Interior (1130 words)
Valerie Cherish - Jesus in Swag (1853 Words)
Cyan - Surfaces (~2500)
Jedeye Sniv - Tiger Hill (2489 words)
Tim the Wiz - Between the Lines
AngelKimne - A New History (~1000 words)
HP_Wuvcraft - Gods and Shit
Tangent - This Song of Mine
Sober - Final Lecture (1690 words)
Ashes1396 - Ephermeral Hearts
Mike Works - The Interior (1130 words)
angelkimne
Member
1. This Song of Mine
2. Surfaces
3. Final Lecture
Now for some feedback (of an admittedly low standard):
Jesus in Swag - I'm still not quite sure what I just read or what's up with this weird world. Which is not necessarily terrible, because I still enjoyed it, but overall meant that I'd feel odd ranking it above some of the other pieces. If there's one thing I'd say, it's that I would have liked the utter craziness more minus the pop culture references and brand names whose inclusion felt to me slightly forced at times (and a bit hit and miss from reader to reader, if you take my ignorance of Richard Fuller and Brunello Cucinelli suits as an example!). Aside from that, the writing was sharp, and it was certainly one of the more entertaining stories.
Surfaces - First off, I have to say that it made me want to watch The Wire. I thought that might reflect your inspiration (given that so many gaffers seem to be obsessed with the show). The best part was certainly the dialouge, which immediately drew me in. I think the only time my appreciation wavered was on the odd occasion that Rance started talking as well as you clearly write. But I suppose he might just be a Namond Brice (couldn't resist a Wire parallel), and end up winning debating competitions.
Tiger Hill - I have to ask, is this an actual story retold? Either way, I enjoyed the total differentness of the story in comparison with the rest of the competition. I have to admit that I never have been one for legends or mythology, so unfortunately it was never going to be very compelling. (I got bored with American Gods for this reason.) The strength, as with so many other stories, seemed to be the solid style, but more than other pieces, the plot here definitely felt like it was planned beforehand (I say that with positivity). Your confidence with the mythology (if that's the right word to use) is another plus point.
Between The Lines - Again, structural and stylistic superiority. I've never been very captivated by 'love stories', probably due to a lack of experience, so the piece didn't make me feel much, despite impressing technically. Technically, I think it was probably the best of the lot. Well done with the ending, especially, it didn't feel cliched, as it so easily could have done.
Gods and Shit - I'm happy to read any tale that treats religion as irreverently as Monty Python and involves lots of Gods using bad language. But I wanted more!
This Song of Mine - Seriously creepy. I think the pictures added to it in a major way, if that's useful.
Final Lecture - Ah, your idea seems to have been semi-similar to mine. And we agree, insofar as Earth being doomed. A very clever and amusing use of Star Wars... the zany take on human history lifts the story above what I expect from sci-fi (e.g. nothing at all original, nothing at all humorous), which is the main reason I liked it so much.
I have to rebuke all of you, however. I came hoping for some sort of educational experience, yet there was nothing in the way of non-fiction. I'm just as guilty as the rest of you, of course.
As for the last two, I'll read them tomorrow. (Meaning the ranks aren't final.)
Edit: Ah, I'm done. I think the rankings remain the same though.
2. Surfaces
3. Final Lecture
Now for some feedback (of an admittedly low standard):
Jesus in Swag - I'm still not quite sure what I just read or what's up with this weird world. Which is not necessarily terrible, because I still enjoyed it, but overall meant that I'd feel odd ranking it above some of the other pieces. If there's one thing I'd say, it's that I would have liked the utter craziness more minus the pop culture references and brand names whose inclusion felt to me slightly forced at times (and a bit hit and miss from reader to reader, if you take my ignorance of Richard Fuller and Brunello Cucinelli suits as an example!). Aside from that, the writing was sharp, and it was certainly one of the more entertaining stories.
Surfaces - First off, I have to say that it made me want to watch The Wire. I thought that might reflect your inspiration (given that so many gaffers seem to be obsessed with the show). The best part was certainly the dialouge, which immediately drew me in. I think the only time my appreciation wavered was on the odd occasion that Rance started talking as well as you clearly write. But I suppose he might just be a Namond Brice (couldn't resist a Wire parallel), and end up winning debating competitions.
Tiger Hill - I have to ask, is this an actual story retold? Either way, I enjoyed the total differentness of the story in comparison with the rest of the competition. I have to admit that I never have been one for legends or mythology, so unfortunately it was never going to be very compelling. (I got bored with American Gods for this reason.) The strength, as with so many other stories, seemed to be the solid style, but more than other pieces, the plot here definitely felt like it was planned beforehand (I say that with positivity). Your confidence with the mythology (if that's the right word to use) is another plus point.
Between The Lines - Again, structural and stylistic superiority. I've never been very captivated by 'love stories', probably due to a lack of experience, so the piece didn't make me feel much, despite impressing technically. Technically, I think it was probably the best of the lot. Well done with the ending, especially, it didn't feel cliched, as it so easily could have done.
Gods and Shit - I'm happy to read any tale that treats religion as irreverently as Monty Python and involves lots of Gods using bad language. But I wanted more!
This Song of Mine - Seriously creepy. I think the pictures added to it in a major way, if that's useful.
Final Lecture - Ah, your idea seems to have been semi-similar to mine. And we agree, insofar as Earth being doomed. A very clever and amusing use of Star Wars... the zany take on human history lifts the story above what I expect from sci-fi (e.g. nothing at all original, nothing at all humorous), which is the main reason I liked it so much.
I have to rebuke all of you, however. I came hoping for some sort of educational experience, yet there was nothing in the way of non-fiction. I'm just as guilty as the rest of you, of course.
As for the last two, I'll read them tomorrow. (Meaning the ranks aren't final.)
Edit: Ah, I'm done. I think the rankings remain the same though.
Mike Works
Member
I'd suggest against posting rankings that aren't final in the first place, even if you mean to edit them. Could make things confusing for the person tabulating the votes. Just a suggestion!
Tim the Wiz
Banned
Fuck my life, my laptop just blue screened and I lost EVERYTHING. If I wasn't quite so tired, I'd be fucking raging right about now, instead I'll just crawl unhappily into bed
Ugh, sorry to hear that. This happened to me once, the night before a major essay was due. Don't worry, you'll just bring it harder next time.
HP_Wuvcraft
Banned
And if I had my computer back, I probably would have spent more time on it. As is, GAS (which, if you couldn't tell from the title, didn't have that much investment in it) was purely stream-of-thought. Maybe one day I'll go back to the idea, because I do like it, but as of now, it was simply bore out of frustration.
Glad you liked it.
Fuck my life, my laptop just blue screened and I lost EVERYTHING. If I wasn't quite so tired, I'd be fucking raging right about now, instead I'll just crawl unhappily into bed
OH MAN. That's seriously so horrible. I hope things are beginning to piece back together...
British Monsoon
Member
Yeah, it's no huge loss, as I abandoned my original idea and quickly wrote up something else.
The story I would have submitted, had my laptop not had a brain fart, was about a commander of a fortress on the far borders of a Roman-like empire, defending his walls against a pictish-like people who mass to attack the fortress every year. It was about the commanders over confidence in the fact that he felt the picts would never learn from the lessons their own history has to teach them, only for the fortress to be breached thanks to clever diversionary tactics from the picts.
Initially, my story was going to be about a kingdom saved from conquest by the efforts of nature, a king abandoning the old practices and beliefs before coming to realise that to save his kingdom he has to respect the land and the beings that dwell within it, and that only through sacrifice could the kingdoms way of life be maintained, yada yada. I've still got the notes for this one, I just never got around to writing it up.
Yeah, I'll try
Hopefully I will actually write something well advance of the deadline, next time.
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
argh. Well, I've been writing crits for the past 2 fucking hours when my iPad decided to refresh the window I was writing in and erase everything I've written. God fucking dammit so apologies if these comments are a little less detailed than they should be, but I'm tired of reading and writing now.
Jesus in Swag - good. I dig the Douglas Adams feel that it had, it reminded me of that freewheeling, anything-goes style of comedy sf from the 70s/80s and was an entertaining read. The prose was a little bit awkward in places though, and I had no idea who any of the references were at all. I think if you spent a little longer sanding down some of the more unweildy sentences then it would be fantastic. Maybe try reading it aloud to yourself to give a consistent idea of tone.
Surfaces - good. I like the almost-noir feel that this has, I reckon you could probably push it a little further even, have the main char be even more precocious and asshole-y and have this real me v you feel to it. That said, what was there was entertaining and read very well.
Between the Lines - really good. I liked how the opening paras kept me re-assessing what was going on, and I felt that the protagonist was likable and sympathetic. I think that the idea of someone who knew a big star is really interesting, especially that i-know-you-but-you-forgot-me thing. It's maybe a little cliche and involves Jodie being very self involved and kinda rude, but it still rang true. I think the conflict with the director was well handled too.
A New History - note, this didn't open on my iPad and may have cause my crit-wipe, so if I were you I'd just use the tried-and-tested dropbox method next time. As for the story ... infinity! You use the word three times in the first page, consider a different word maybe? Also, infinity is hard to imagine, so it doesn't work too well for me either. The setting reminded me of The Library by Borges, was this intentional? That's an actual infinite library though, whereas the Earth is very finite. I like the big SF ideas regarding interstellar colonies though, reminded me a lot of Hyperion that I'm currently reading. I like how pessimistic it is. So, big ideas all present and correct, but the story itself left me cold. In fact, I couldn't tell you what it was about really, and I only just read the thing. A rumination on humanity and the future is well and good within a narrative, but I don't really think anything happened in this story, and I could not tell you anything about the main character. Is he from Earth or elsewhere? I think elsewhere but I'm not sure. Why is he in the library though? What is he doing there, what does he look to get from it? I think the ideas in the story are wonderful and gave me a lot to think about, but the story itself was barely there. A mixed bag in all.
Gods and Shit - genuinely very funny. I was giggling all the way, but that ending made me lol. Also, you are now the proud owner of One Internet for sneaking in my secret challenge. Sort but sweet, the characters were well defined in very few words and the whole thing had a succinct point. Very impressed, comedy is super hard to get right. My main comment would be that you need to vote for two other people as well as Valerie. Share those points out bro!
This Song of Mine - fantastic. First I thought it was (yet another) story about Gods, so flipping that on me was a nice surprise. Charming tone to the story, I like how the bird is so chipper about her lot, it's very sweet and helps you connect to her very quickly, especially once you figure out where she's going and why. It set up a great dramatic tension since we all know why birds go down into the mines, and so that twist ending was utterly heartbreaking, you total bastard! She was too good at her job, what a beautifully bitter irony. Really fantastic story. I liked the pictures, the prose was faultless and the structure was really impressive. Well done!
Final Lecture - good. I think the classroom setting meant that this future history was a little dry, but it was still very entertaining, and I love the stuff about Star Wars and the supernatural era. Very funny, and I love the idea of a future society basing their knowledge of human culture around our fucked up fictions. If anything, you shy away from dealing with this tricky subject, going for comedy instead of the reality of how the archaeology of our history would work. Still, a nice spec SF piece that made me think and laugh in equal measure. Now, if there was a way of getting these questions into a narrative about people you'd be onto a winner.
Ephemeral Hearts - bit of a mixed bag this one, I was very conflicted reading it. On the one hand, you're excellent at thinking of details about people, details I would never even notice in real people, let alone manage to imagine about characters. But on the other hand, it was in service to a story that took a long time to go anywhere. If anything, the treasure map and hunt should have been introduced and begun in the first page, but as it was it took until nearly halfway through to reach what is the point of the story. You could have started with the treasure hunt to introduce the characters and then gone into the specific details from there. I also found the relationships a little complex - what was the deal with Anna living in a different house - half sister? But walking distance away from the other home? And how did Paul know Tess was his future wife, enough to write it on the back of the map as a kid? And what was the treasure anyway? This stuff was all really unclear to me, and was lost in so many inconsequential details. On the plus side, I think your prose had a nice flow to it here, much better than other stuff I'd read from you. Also, when it was said that Anna was coming to stay, I literally said aloud "the last place this girl needs to be is with this morose motherfucker!" Paul did not seem to me the type of guy you'd phone having just been dumped, I think I may actually have killed myself if I were Anna
The Interior - nice, second person narrative, clever boy! This was a powerfully depressing story, certainly. Unfortunately I'm from England, so a lot of the cultural references were lost on me, but I got the gist of the American teacher in the native Canadian reservation school. Depressed girlfriend. Fucking the principal of the school? Or just an aboriginal mother? I think it was good in a way, the prose was exacting and clear, but I wouldn't say it was an enjoyable read. I think it's really hard (as above) to make the reader interested in malaise. As a subject for a story it turns me off, no matter how skillfully written. I can accept it when there is maybe some chance for redemption, but this seemed like a series of vague vignettes with no sense of closure at all. I guess at the end, I felt a bit empty and sad, much like the protagonist, and I'm sure it's the thing you were going for in which case it's a successful story. But I'm afraid that it didn't work for me on an enjoyment level. Sorry!
... phew, that's all of them. I hope I haven't been too offensive to anyone, it's hard to say 'I didn't like this', especially to people that are doing this just for the joy of it. I think that everyone had AT LEAST one or two things that I admired and was impressed by in every story, and I can see the craft and skill and love on display. So please don't take offence from my tired and frustrated words (fucking iPad!!). You're all badass because YOU DID IT, and I think that being among your company is going to make me a better writer.
My votes:
1. This Song of Mine
2. Gods and Shit
3. Between the Lines
Honorable to Cyan for Surfaces, very close to that third place.
Right, had enough typing to last me a week. I'll collate and post result tomorrow morning when I get to work.
so apologies if these comments are a little less detailed than they should be, but I'm tired of reading and writing now.Jesus in Swag - good. I dig the Douglas Adams feel that it had, it reminded me of that freewheeling, anything-goes style of comedy sf from the 70s/80s and was an entertaining read. The prose was a little bit awkward in places though, and I had no idea who any of the references were at all. I think if you spent a little longer sanding down some of the more unweildy sentences then it would be fantastic. Maybe try reading it aloud to yourself to give a consistent idea of tone.
Surfaces - good. I like the almost-noir feel that this has, I reckon you could probably push it a little further even, have the main char be even more precocious and asshole-y and have this real me v you feel to it. That said, what was there was entertaining and read very well.
Between the Lines - really good. I liked how the opening paras kept me re-assessing what was going on, and I felt that the protagonist was likable and sympathetic. I think that the idea of someone who knew a big star is really interesting, especially that i-know-you-but-you-forgot-me thing. It's maybe a little cliche and involves Jodie being very self involved and kinda rude, but it still rang true. I think the conflict with the director was well handled too.
A New History - note, this didn't open on my iPad and may have cause my crit-wipe, so if I were you I'd just use the tried-and-tested dropbox method next time. As for the story ... infinity! You use the word three times in the first page, consider a different word maybe? Also, infinity is hard to imagine, so it doesn't work too well for me either. The setting reminded me of The Library by Borges, was this intentional? That's an actual infinite library though, whereas the Earth is very finite. I like the big SF ideas regarding interstellar colonies though, reminded me a lot of Hyperion that I'm currently reading. I like how pessimistic it is. So, big ideas all present and correct, but the story itself left me cold. In fact, I couldn't tell you what it was about really, and I only just read the thing. A rumination on humanity and the future is well and good within a narrative, but I don't really think anything happened in this story, and I could not tell you anything about the main character. Is he from Earth or elsewhere? I think elsewhere but I'm not sure. Why is he in the library though? What is he doing there, what does he look to get from it? I think the ideas in the story are wonderful and gave me a lot to think about, but the story itself was barely there. A mixed bag in all.
Gods and Shit - genuinely very funny. I was giggling all the way, but that ending made me lol. Also, you are now the proud owner of One Internet for sneaking in my secret challenge. Sort but sweet, the characters were well defined in very few words and the whole thing had a succinct point. Very impressed, comedy is super hard to get right. My main comment would be that you need to vote for two other people as well as Valerie. Share those points out bro!
This Song of Mine - fantastic. First I thought it was (yet another) story about Gods, so flipping that on me was a nice surprise. Charming tone to the story, I like how the bird is so chipper about her lot, it's very sweet and helps you connect to her very quickly, especially once you figure out where she's going and why. It set up a great dramatic tension since we all know why birds go down into the mines, and so that twist ending was utterly heartbreaking, you total bastard! She was too good at her job, what a beautifully bitter irony. Really fantastic story. I liked the pictures, the prose was faultless and the structure was really impressive. Well done!
Final Lecture - good. I think the classroom setting meant that this future history was a little dry, but it was still very entertaining, and I love the stuff about Star Wars and the supernatural era. Very funny, and I love the idea of a future society basing their knowledge of human culture around our fucked up fictions. If anything, you shy away from dealing with this tricky subject, going for comedy instead of the reality of how the archaeology of our history would work. Still, a nice spec SF piece that made me think and laugh in equal measure. Now, if there was a way of getting these questions into a narrative about people you'd be onto a winner.
Ephemeral Hearts - bit of a mixed bag this one, I was very conflicted reading it. On the one hand, you're excellent at thinking of details about people, details I would never even notice in real people, let alone manage to imagine about characters. But on the other hand, it was in service to a story that took a long time to go anywhere. If anything, the treasure map and hunt should have been introduced and begun in the first page, but as it was it took until nearly halfway through to reach what is the point of the story. You could have started with the treasure hunt to introduce the characters and then gone into the specific details from there. I also found the relationships a little complex - what was the deal with Anna living in a different house - half sister? But walking distance away from the other home? And how did Paul know Tess was his future wife, enough to write it on the back of the map as a kid? And what was the treasure anyway? This stuff was all really unclear to me, and was lost in so many inconsequential details. On the plus side, I think your prose had a nice flow to it here, much better than other stuff I'd read from you. Also, when it was said that Anna was coming to stay, I literally said aloud "the last place this girl needs to be is with this morose motherfucker!" Paul did not seem to me the type of guy you'd phone having just been dumped, I think I may actually have killed myself if I were Anna
The Interior - nice, second person narrative, clever boy! This was a powerfully depressing story, certainly. Unfortunately I'm from England, so a lot of the cultural references were lost on me, but I got the gist of the American teacher in the native Canadian reservation school. Depressed girlfriend. Fucking the principal of the school? Or just an aboriginal mother? I think it was good in a way, the prose was exacting and clear, but I wouldn't say it was an enjoyable read. I think it's really hard (as above) to make the reader interested in malaise. As a subject for a story it turns me off, no matter how skillfully written. I can accept it when there is maybe some chance for redemption, but this seemed like a series of vague vignettes with no sense of closure at all. I guess at the end, I felt a bit empty and sad, much like the protagonist, and I'm sure it's the thing you were going for in which case it's a successful story. But I'm afraid that it didn't work for me on an enjoyment level. Sorry!
... phew, that's all of them. I hope I haven't been too offensive to anyone, it's hard to say 'I didn't like this', especially to people that are doing this just for the joy of it. I think that everyone had AT LEAST one or two things that I admired and was impressed by in every story, and I can see the craft and skill and love on display. So please don't take offence from my tired and frustrated words (fucking iPad!!). You're all badass because YOU DID IT, and I think that being among your company is going to make me a better writer.
My votes:
1. This Song of Mine
2. Gods and Shit
3. Between the Lines
Honorable to Cyan for Surfaces, very close to that third place.
Right, had enough typing to last me a week. I'll collate and post result tomorrow morning when I get to work.
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
Ah bum, didn't realise that the deadline was tonight rather than last night - stressed myself out reading and writing all these crits in one night. If I had known otherwise, I would have been a much nicer husband last night...
I suppose it depends on who wins, but if you glance over the history of topics, you might get some idea of what the next one might be.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Have to be honest here. I didn't forget about this, but just couldn't think of anything to write.
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
No shame in it. If you're here you can still read and comment on what everyone else has done, if you fancy it. Almost as daunting a task as writing a story of your own.
Mike Works
Member
Probably not going to have time to critique tonight since I'll be up all night working on a project that's due tomorrow, but here are my votes:
1. Jedeye Sniv - Tiger Hill
2. Cyan - Surfaces
3. Ashes1396 - Ephermeral Hearts
1. Jedeye Sniv - Tiger Hill
2. Cyan - Surfaces
3. Ashes1396 - Ephermeral Hearts
Valerie Cherish
Member
Made the mistake of drinking some beers while reading, so the sentence or two of notes I scribbled aren't even anything good right now. Maybe I can add them to this tomorrow.
1. Tangent - This Song of Mine
2. HP Wuvcraft - Gods and Shit
3. Sober - Final Lecture
As a mention, Mike Works, this part--"Pour the empty eggs into the pan and watch them pool. They don't look right without their sun. Try not to think about: 1. The way your mom used to make scrambled eggs, 2. Home."--was my favorite thing to read this competition.
1. Tangent - This Song of Mine
2. HP Wuvcraft - Gods and Shit
3. Sober - Final Lecture
As a mention, Mike Works, this part--"Pour the empty eggs into the pan and watch them pool. They don't look right without their sun. Try not to think about: 1. The way your mom used to make scrambled eggs, 2. Home."--was my favorite thing to read this competition.
Crits
Valerie Cherish - feels like reading a mesh between nonsense and a bad trip. Tried reading it twice, and realised this wasn't so bad on a second read. +1 for references.
Cyan - nicely told, with glimpses of provoking thought/reflection, but fell a little short, maybe due to the cardboard characters.
Jedeye Sniv - felt overwritten, and came out clunky at times. Prose aside, +1 for research & story.
Tim the Wiz - not as subtle as some of your other pieces, but edited down and more cohesive, this could be pretty good.
AngelKimne - "War and Poverty prospered" was a great line, and the construction of the story was off the beaten road and somewhat original. - more like a dream than an intentional story.
HP_Wuvcraft - thought it was alright first time I read it, but it was dull and facetious when I read it again.
Tangent - nicely written but dull due to predictability.
Sober - Story told through dialogue made it difficult for me to care about anything.
Ashes1396 - meh. Go away already.
Mike Works - I didn't like the pov, but the prose and story were great.
Votes
1. Mike
2. Cyan
3. Tim
Hm. Angelkimne, Tangent, & Jedeye Sniv
Valerie Cherish - feels like reading a mesh between nonsense and a bad trip. Tried reading it twice, and realised this wasn't so bad on a second read. +1 for references.
Cyan - nicely told, with glimpses of provoking thought/reflection, but fell a little short, maybe due to the cardboard characters.
Jedeye Sniv - felt overwritten, and came out clunky at times. Prose aside, +1 for research & story.
Tim the Wiz - not as subtle as some of your other pieces, but edited down and more cohesive, this could be pretty good.
AngelKimne - "War and Poverty prospered" was a great line, and the construction of the story was off the beaten road and somewhat original. - more like a dream than an intentional story.
HP_Wuvcraft - thought it was alright first time I read it, but it was dull and facetious when I read it again.
Tangent - nicely written but dull due to predictability.
Sober - Story told through dialogue made it difficult for me to care about anything.
Ashes1396 - meh. Go away already.
Mike Works - I didn't like the pov, but the prose and story were great.
Votes
1. Mike
2. Cyan
3. Tim
Hm. Angelkimne, Tangent, & Jedeye Sniv
Valerie Cherishs Jesus in Swag: This was a fun piece and it sort of reminded me of the Percy Jackson series or something. Some of the sentences, particularly in the 1st half, were hard to read to because of all the new terms. Maybe try slowing down the pace and introducing characters or concepts in longer increments. I liked the Earth creation jealousy. 
Cyans Surfaces: Really great story and awesome flow. I like how you put the conversation with the principal in the middle of the story and then add more events afterwards and then refer back to the conversation with the principal. The beginning was the hardest to get into; maybe it felt too high school cliché or something. The dialog felt much more real as I got into the story. I couldnt help thinking of Calvin, Susie, and Moe when I read this. Only from Hobbes!
Jedeye Snivs Tiger Hill: This was a very gripping, fun read. I think fight scenes are very hard to pull off and you did so well without losing my interest, making it difficult to visualize, or slowing the pace. I also thought of Kung Fu Panda.  In trying to offer something to improve upon, Id say the main characters personality. It seemed inconsistent with the opening, then how he talked to the scared couple, and then when he talked to the Tiger God. But, overall, very well done. The thing I liked the most was how easy this story was to visualize and how it was so gripping.
Tim the Wiz Between the Lines: Very well done and there was some nice tension making me want to want to know where the dialog would go. The dialog was very well done and very realistic. The last half of the story seemed very natural when the main character and Jodie were sitting out on the stops and talking, and the part before where the main character was talking to Baxter about the lines. The beginning didnt seem quite as clear. Maybe it was the character right before the flashback of being in school with Jodie that was a little harder to follow. Another thing was that it would have been nice to know Jodies perspective more, but maybe thats too hard to do in that 1st POV which worked well otherwise. Perhaps in the dialog on the steps, we could have gotten a little more of Jodies perspective. But overall, very well done smooth flow, interesting story, and great dialog.
AngelKimnes A New History: I liked the food for thought in this story. But I wished there was more events taking place rather than a reflection. I liked the setting: a library but maybe that setting could actually be a significant part of creating some events, like confusing some books or quotations or something. Actually, scratch that suggestion. Im not sure what to suggest there.  Anyway, I liked all the detail, like the 100 year life despite all the advancement, etc. You have a lot of great ideas. Im not sure what is the best way to present them though. Id like to give better feedback, but Im stumped!
HP_Wuvcrafts Gods and Shit: I loved the ending to this, and the dialog was really funny like the dog moving over to the one he preferred to be petted by. The dialog was quick and funny and I liked how you didnt waste space on much else. On the other hand, more description might slow down the pace, which might add to more character development. But its a toss up.
Sobers Final Lecture: I really liked the irony in this piece about learning about the human race through fiction. Makes us wonder about ancient religious texts, or ancient oral stories. Somehow the dialog didnt seem too realistic, in terms of the way the questions were asked. I wonder if you could have captured the irony that I liked in some other setting rather than a last lecture that makes it had to do more showing vs. telling. There are so many creative ideas in this though and itd be cool to use try them out in another way.
Ashes1396s Ephemeral Hearts: I cant get over how the main character is named Paul Weatherfield. That just is so British! I liked the intro very much. The well-behaved rain made me chuckle. I am very much interested in trying apple and cheese sandwiches on wheat bread! What an interesting concoction! OK, I enough with the tangents. Great story line and it would be easy to turn this into something longer since the characters are quite relatable, but also more sweet than Id imagine given the scenario which I think adds to the story. I was curious to learn more about Sam and his house but understand that it wasnt really part of the story to go into that. I liked the treasure hunt idea, but at times, it required me to back track since it was quite detailed. But, Im not sure how youd get around this. I have the same problem when I try to describe a fight scene. Nothing else to do, really. Anyway, this story was very real and relatable. Well done.
Mike Works The Interior: I really liked how you set up the 1st half of this, and I felt like it was very appropriate to not use quotation marks. I liked how the student asked that question, but I wish it had stirred up more tension. Or I wish the good student stirred up something in the main character. I felt like the main characters were too jaded to care! Maybe that was the point. Also, I was a little confused by the personality of the girlfriend. At first, she seemed bubbly and sort of naïve in a ditsy way. And then she seemed really depressed in the 2nd half. Maybe shes bipolar. Anyway, maybe it was just me but it would have helped to have some clarity on her personality. But anyway, I really like your style of writing, but I think some more attachment to the events by the characters would have helped. Also, you have a nice dark style, and I bet itd work well if tied with humor! Well, at least I love dark and dry humor.
Again.... man, these 5 were hard to put in an order. All were very engaging... But here goes:
Votes:
-------
1. Jedeye Sniv's "Tiger Hill"
2. Tim the Wiz' "Between the Lines"
3. Cyan's "Surfaces"
HM: HP_Wuvcraft's "Gods and Shit" and Ashes1396's "Ephemeral Hearts."
Random side note: I was just reading some of your guys' feedback. I think everyone is getting better at providing good feedback. That's pretty awesome. I think that providing feedback is harder than cranking out a story. And hey Jedeye, I get the sense that you read A TON! Just cuz you reference titles and authors in your feedback. All that reading is probably good for your writing and your crits. Good stuff.
Cyans Surfaces: Really great story and awesome flow. I like how you put the conversation with the principal in the middle of the story and then add more events afterwards and then refer back to the conversation with the principal. The beginning was the hardest to get into; maybe it felt too high school cliché or something. The dialog felt much more real as I got into the story. I couldnt help thinking of Calvin, Susie, and Moe when I read this. Only from Hobbes!
Jedeye Snivs Tiger Hill: This was a very gripping, fun read. I think fight scenes are very hard to pull off and you did so well without losing my interest, making it difficult to visualize, or slowing the pace. I also thought of Kung Fu Panda.  In trying to offer something to improve upon, Id say the main characters personality. It seemed inconsistent with the opening, then how he talked to the scared couple, and then when he talked to the Tiger God. But, overall, very well done. The thing I liked the most was how easy this story was to visualize and how it was so gripping.
Tim the Wiz Between the Lines: Very well done and there was some nice tension making me want to want to know where the dialog would go. The dialog was very well done and very realistic. The last half of the story seemed very natural when the main character and Jodie were sitting out on the stops and talking, and the part before where the main character was talking to Baxter about the lines. The beginning didnt seem quite as clear. Maybe it was the character right before the flashback of being in school with Jodie that was a little harder to follow. Another thing was that it would have been nice to know Jodies perspective more, but maybe thats too hard to do in that 1st POV which worked well otherwise. Perhaps in the dialog on the steps, we could have gotten a little more of Jodies perspective. But overall, very well done smooth flow, interesting story, and great dialog.
AngelKimnes A New History: I liked the food for thought in this story. But I wished there was more events taking place rather than a reflection. I liked the setting: a library but maybe that setting could actually be a significant part of creating some events, like confusing some books or quotations or something. Actually, scratch that suggestion. Im not sure what to suggest there.  Anyway, I liked all the detail, like the 100 year life despite all the advancement, etc. You have a lot of great ideas. Im not sure what is the best way to present them though. Id like to give better feedback, but Im stumped!
HP_Wuvcrafts Gods and Shit: I loved the ending to this, and the dialog was really funny like the dog moving over to the one he preferred to be petted by. The dialog was quick and funny and I liked how you didnt waste space on much else. On the other hand, more description might slow down the pace, which might add to more character development. But its a toss up.
Sobers Final Lecture: I really liked the irony in this piece about learning about the human race through fiction. Makes us wonder about ancient religious texts, or ancient oral stories. Somehow the dialog didnt seem too realistic, in terms of the way the questions were asked. I wonder if you could have captured the irony that I liked in some other setting rather than a last lecture that makes it had to do more showing vs. telling. There are so many creative ideas in this though and itd be cool to use try them out in another way.
Ashes1396s Ephemeral Hearts: I cant get over how the main character is named Paul Weatherfield. That just is so British! I liked the intro very much. The well-behaved rain made me chuckle. I am very much interested in trying apple and cheese sandwiches on wheat bread! What an interesting concoction! OK, I enough with the tangents. Great story line and it would be easy to turn this into something longer since the characters are quite relatable, but also more sweet than Id imagine given the scenario which I think adds to the story. I was curious to learn more about Sam and his house but understand that it wasnt really part of the story to go into that. I liked the treasure hunt idea, but at times, it required me to back track since it was quite detailed. But, Im not sure how youd get around this. I have the same problem when I try to describe a fight scene. Nothing else to do, really. Anyway, this story was very real and relatable. Well done.
Mike Works The Interior: I really liked how you set up the 1st half of this, and I felt like it was very appropriate to not use quotation marks. I liked how the student asked that question, but I wish it had stirred up more tension. Or I wish the good student stirred up something in the main character. I felt like the main characters were too jaded to care! Maybe that was the point. Also, I was a little confused by the personality of the girlfriend. At first, she seemed bubbly and sort of naïve in a ditsy way. And then she seemed really depressed in the 2nd half. Maybe shes bipolar. Anyway, maybe it was just me but it would have helped to have some clarity on her personality. But anyway, I really like your style of writing, but I think some more attachment to the events by the characters would have helped. Also, you have a nice dark style, and I bet itd work well if tied with humor! Well, at least I love dark and dry humor.
Again.... man, these 5 were hard to put in an order. All were very engaging... But here goes:
Votes:
-------
1. Jedeye Sniv's "Tiger Hill"
2. Tim the Wiz' "Between the Lines"
3. Cyan's "Surfaces"
HM: HP_Wuvcraft's "Gods and Shit" and Ashes1396's "Ephemeral Hearts."
Random side note: I was just reading some of your guys' feedback. I think everyone is getting better at providing good feedback. That's pretty awesome. I think that providing feedback is harder than cranking out a story. And hey Jedeye, I get the sense that you read A TON! Just cuz you reference titles and authors in your feedback. All that reading is probably good for your writing and your crits. Good stuff.
Votes:
1. Tim the Wiz - "Between the Lines" - just a smooth read, pulled me in and yanked on my emotions a bit. Just like a story should.
2. Jedeye Sniv - "Tiger Hill" - the prose was rough in parts, but the overall execution was great. I knew exactly where it was going for the first two thirds... and then you judo-threw me and my expectations. Nice.
3. Ashes1396 - "Ephemeral Hearts" - Exactly hit my expectations, but it was a nice read nonetheless.
HM - Tangent, Mike Works
1. Tim the Wiz - "Between the Lines" - just a smooth read, pulled me in and yanked on my emotions a bit. Just like a story should.
2. Jedeye Sniv - "Tiger Hill" - the prose was rough in parts, but the overall execution was great. I knew exactly where it was going for the first two thirds... and then you judo-threw me and my expectations. Nice.
3. Ashes1396 - "Ephemeral Hearts" - Exactly hit my expectations, but it was a nice read nonetheless.
HM - Tangent, Mike Works
British Monsoon
Member
Votes;
1. Tim the Wiz
2. Ashes1396
3. Jedeye Sniv
HM; AngelKimne, Tangent, Sober, Mike Works
1. Tim the Wiz
2. Ashes1396
3. Jedeye Sniv
HM; AngelKimne, Tangent, Sober, Mike Works
Valerie Cherish - Jesus in Swag:
Completely agree with AngelKimne. The story was very weird, which is obviously what you were going for, but I didn't like too much, it just wasn't my bag, baby. Some parts were humorous, like the part, "How their music scene was 'like, totally vibrant, man." Otherwise, the references felt out-of-place and forced, and threw me out of the story. I also found the ending to be lacking. That said, the writing felt technically sound, and the descriptions were solid with good transitions from one thought to another - not easy in a piece that could easily become discombobulated with it's pace and free-floating story.
Cyan - Surfaces:
Cyan. Do I even have to tell you that you're a good writer? It is really evident from your work that you know how to structure a story and show, not tell. I like how you work character descriptions into the story naturally, and how everything flows well from one sentence to another. You took a subject that I hate (anything to do with high school) and made it readable, and interesting. The story was funny and the voice of Rance really rang through with the immature way of thinking and the hilarious invented slang going through his mind (assface). KEEP WRITING! I'll keep reading.
Jedeye Sniv - Tiger Hill:
Wow, what a damn good story. I could easily see that in a collection of short stories. I love how the fact that you did research for this piece came through and fleshed out the world so well. I can tell you probably spent long hours looking stuff up, looking for inspiration and history, getting terms right, etc. The riddle game with the god and the twist ending were what really pushed this over the edge for me. Fantastic piece. I believe that you spelled "town", "ton" on the third to last sentence. Besides that, everything was spot-on, flowed well. I did question the perspective a little bit, but I believe you intended it at third-person omniscient, correct?
Tim the Wiz - Between the Lines:
Well-done, engaging story. The diagloge was natural and seemed quite realistic. The story made me feel bad for Jody and A.J., in different ways. I think the begining of the story is a little harder to follow than the end for some reason. Also, why would Jodie think that A.J. is catering staff? I found that part confusing.
AngelKimne - A New History:
Really interesting, although I read it twice and I'm not sure what I read, or what the point was. I'm not getting what makes the middle-aged many important to the story, or unique to the people of the Library. The writing itself was servicable and quite good in parts, like certain descriptions of the architecture or the broad strokes of explanation of history.
HP_Wuvcraft - Gods and Shit:
Fast-paced and fairly easy to follow. Seemed to try and press buttons for the sake of it, though. Not my cup of tea, style-wise or content-wise. I felt like I was reading a rant from a teenager who thinks that hating on religion is enlightenment and cussing is cool. Keep writing, man! Hopefully I'll like your next piece!
Tangent - This Song of Mine:
Very well written, Tangent. The pictures were a cool little addition, but the ending was predictable. That doesn't make it any less powerful, though. The ending was very strong, emotionally, and worded perfectly.
*Note: I'll give further thoughts tomorrow for the following three stories, don't have time tonight*
Sober - Final Lecture:
Really cool story, really hit the topic well. I like how they think Star Wars is actual history! Who knows, someday, people may think it is...I thought the ending would have a little twist or something more to it, I was left wanting.
Ashes1396 - Ephermeral Hearts:
A nice story, but I found parts hard to follow. More thoughts tomorrow!
Mike Works - The Interior:
Second person? Really? Really? I'm surprised how easy it was to read, though I think I need a second read-through of it to really grasp the story/theme.
Votes:
1. Jedeye Sniv - Tiger Hill
2. Tangent - This Song of Mine
3. Cyan - Surfaces
HM: Sober - Final Lecture; Tim the Wiz - Between the Lines
All-around, those were some awesome stories. It was pretty difficult to choose winners and even the Honorable Mentions. Good work, everyone!
Completely agree with AngelKimne. The story was very weird, which is obviously what you were going for, but I didn't like too much, it just wasn't my bag, baby. Some parts were humorous, like the part, "How their music scene was 'like, totally vibrant, man." Otherwise, the references felt out-of-place and forced, and threw me out of the story. I also found the ending to be lacking. That said, the writing felt technically sound, and the descriptions were solid with good transitions from one thought to another - not easy in a piece that could easily become discombobulated with it's pace and free-floating story.
Cyan - Surfaces:
Cyan. Do I even have to tell you that you're a good writer? It is really evident from your work that you know how to structure a story and show, not tell. I like how you work character descriptions into the story naturally, and how everything flows well from one sentence to another. You took a subject that I hate (anything to do with high school) and made it readable, and interesting. The story was funny and the voice of Rance really rang through with the immature way of thinking and the hilarious invented slang going through his mind (assface). KEEP WRITING! I'll keep reading.
Jedeye Sniv - Tiger Hill:
Wow, what a damn good story. I could easily see that in a collection of short stories. I love how the fact that you did research for this piece came through and fleshed out the world so well. I can tell you probably spent long hours looking stuff up, looking for inspiration and history, getting terms right, etc. The riddle game with the god and the twist ending were what really pushed this over the edge for me. Fantastic piece. I believe that you spelled "town", "ton" on the third to last sentence. Besides that, everything was spot-on, flowed well. I did question the perspective a little bit, but I believe you intended it at third-person omniscient, correct?
Tim the Wiz - Between the Lines:
Well-done, engaging story. The diagloge was natural and seemed quite realistic. The story made me feel bad for Jody and A.J., in different ways. I think the begining of the story is a little harder to follow than the end for some reason. Also, why would Jodie think that A.J. is catering staff? I found that part confusing.
AngelKimne - A New History:
Really interesting, although I read it twice and I'm not sure what I read, or what the point was. I'm not getting what makes the middle-aged many important to the story, or unique to the people of the Library. The writing itself was servicable and quite good in parts, like certain descriptions of the architecture or the broad strokes of explanation of history.
HP_Wuvcraft - Gods and Shit:
Fast-paced and fairly easy to follow. Seemed to try and press buttons for the sake of it, though. Not my cup of tea, style-wise or content-wise. I felt like I was reading a rant from a teenager who thinks that hating on religion is enlightenment and cussing is cool. Keep writing, man! Hopefully I'll like your next piece!
Tangent - This Song of Mine:
Very well written, Tangent. The pictures were a cool little addition, but the ending was predictable. That doesn't make it any less powerful, though. The ending was very strong, emotionally, and worded perfectly.
*Note: I'll give further thoughts tomorrow for the following three stories, don't have time tonight*
Sober - Final Lecture:
Really cool story, really hit the topic well. I like how they think Star Wars is actual history! Who knows, someday, people may think it is...I thought the ending would have a little twist or something more to it, I was left wanting.
Ashes1396 - Ephermeral Hearts:
A nice story, but I found parts hard to follow. More thoughts tomorrow!
Mike Works - The Interior:
Second person? Really? Really? I'm surprised how easy it was to read, though I think I need a second read-through of it to really grasp the story/theme.
Votes:
1. Jedeye Sniv - Tiger Hill
2. Tangent - This Song of Mine
3. Cyan - Surfaces
HM: Sober - Final Lecture; Tim the Wiz - Between the Lines
All-around, those were some awesome stories. It was pretty difficult to choose winners and even the Honorable Mentions. Good work, everyone!
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
Thanks very much for the thoughtful crits guys
I'm quite proud of this story since it's definitely my most reseached and 'planned' work, where I could see the structure of the story before I'd even written it. And yeah, it's based on a 'true' myth from Mirzapur - I can't comment on it's veracity since the only reference I can find is a single line in a hundred year old book, but it sparked my imagination. And yeah Esiquio, the narration is supposed to be third-person omnicient, as if it were told by somebody in the town, like from a grandfather to grandson. I tried to keep the tone fairly whimsical, especially at the start, and the main char is purposely left a little ambiguous - firstly because at the start of the story he's 'in character' as a nobleman (dropping the pretence when he reaches Bagheswar), but also because the storyteller is actively trying to fool his audience. There was a line that I cut that probably would have made it clearer, but it destroyed the flow of the opening.
Thanks again guys! I'll do a vote tally soon, see how many tardy folks we have left
Thanks again guys! I'll do a vote tally soon, see how many tardy folks we have left
Looks like we're missing Tim-o and Wuvcraft (P.S. how awesome is it that we got a Cthulhu story from Wuvcraft himself?). I'd be inclined to close up shop, but no harm in waiting a little while just in case.
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
Just waiting on Tim the Wiz as the last writer to vote. Without giving anything away, it's very very close and everything can change with this last vote!
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
Ah yeah, Wuvcraft too! I counted his vote for Valerie anyway, but if he wants to add some more he could be an interestingly disruptive influence on the voting board.
- Status