Wow, I'm finally done. And beat. I'll vote in a bit. I need a drink of water and a round of pull-ups. Or something like that. Maybe just a break from my screen.
Ashes The Unveiling: While the beginning of this story was slower, it still caught my interest, like a slowly revealing mystery. There were parts in the middle where I got a little lost, but I think thats just me. If I had time, Id give it a second read. I liked how Sutton was somewhat of a mystery, but then showed emotion at the end
and yet at the same time, the reader would have understood Sutton if more was revealed about him, other than being sort of stoic and removed. But
if you did that, then I think the essence of Sutton and the reason why he was being interviewed
would have all been lost. The whole story got much more momentum in the final third. Well done.
Jedeye Sniv Pro Patria Mori: This was so fun to read and my attention never once waivered (even though this was close to the end of the stories I read I read them all out of order just to jumble it up). It was all very realistic. I also liked how the MC didnt sexualize Freddie because I think there was too much of a mental obstacle to do so. Plus I liked how you blurred the lines between romantic and comrade love. I saw a huge collection of photos and letters that alluded to this idea, and how it occurs often in battle. You described both characters very well. Your descriptions are often. I especially liked, His daredevil grin and his deep red hair poking out from underneath his helmet and the bit about freckles on his nose. You really nailed those characters down.
DGRE 52 Weeks in Seoul/Know Youre Loved: Nice little slice of life that felt entirely realistic, I guess, cuz it probably was real. But still, thats hard to do so bravo! I think you captured the experience of a parent very well, too. I think this is a fear or point of excitement for the braver ones that a lot of parents have: what are the traits, and looks, that will be passed down? But its not always spoken of. So cheers to you.
Irish Four Instead of Five: Pretty amazing poet you are, Irish! (It also sounds good when read in an Irish accent. 
Beautiful and powerful. Um
. I wish I knew poetry better to say more.
Ronito At 30 Rockerfeller Plaza: This was so fun to read! I think writing action scenes are hard but you did well in keeping the fast pace, and yet still making everything vivid. And I cant believe you introduced the donkey so early on. I wish we all had a mascot in our writing. Awesome ending. The ending line was absolutely perfect.
Jables Second Chance: This was a very captivating story. It sort of reminded me of The Notebook without the cheesy bits. Nevertheless, I think you could have created more suffering in this story! I know that sounds so grim, but considering that Alzheimers is so horrible, if it was tied with any dementia, I think you could have shown more fear in Charlie. And fear turning into more rage than simple anger. Charlie could have even thrown a bottle at Chase or something. Well I guess Charlie doesnt get that stuff if hes in a nursing home. But something more threatening from the father would have been really good, and a turning point in Chase that gives him conviction to stay and persist, perhaps. But I say all this because I think you have a good story, and I like how you brought in the fear of being a parent, etc., and not knowing parenthood until its there. That mom sounded amazing. Good job with the style it was a smooth read.
Bakemono Goodbye Sisters: This was a very captivating story, and it gave me the chills with how psychotic it all was! Well done for creating that mood. And awesome ending where I felt like the mother got sucked into the hyper-empathy these girls had. There is a book called Parables of a Sewer by Octavia Butler, and the main character had hyper empathy, to the point that she would have had practically felt a bullet wound if she were to shoot another person.
John Dunbar Too Many Humble Heroes: The way you described Smiley in the beginning was awesome. He almost sounded innocent. You wrote the fight scene very cleanly, and it was easy to imagine. Again, I find this hard to do, so bravo. I also liked the dialog. The storyline was an attention-grabber. I guess the only thing is that I wish I knew a bit more about this Jefferson character and how he tied into Smiley, and maybe a bit more about the boy assassin, or more about the gang. But those concerns were small in comparison to the overall flow of the story, which was engaging.
Ward When Hes Dead Its the End: Oh man! I absolutely loved the beginning of this. I didnt know whether Id be readying about a psychopathic killer (which you sort of alluded to at the end) or someone who was autistic, a unibomber, or just a geek trying to be something. My interest wained a bit when you started talking about the friends. Perhaps this is because I was expecting something and this seemed to be off-topic. But maybe thats just me not being open to a change in course, as a reader. But I was much more interested in the psychology of the MC vs. his friends. Though I can see they go hand-in-hand. Anyway, great opening and it was very strong for the first half.
Zethren Stuck: Good description of actions. I think that the flashbacks might have been more vivid with a little dialog too. I like how you return to the theme of what the MC remembered Eloise saying. But I think that tying up that memory at the end a bit more would have been helpful too. Nice job of capturing the essence of the MC and how memories work, etc.
Crowphoenix Things I Still Need to Do: This was awesome. If this was an experiment, thats impressive. I liked the progression of it, and I liked how we could see the progression of his thought process too. I really think you should do something with this! Its so great.
Bootaaay Procrastination: Dude. IDK what youre talking about all those disclaimers at the end. This was SUCH a fun idea. And Im sure all of us can perfectly relate. This was a creative idea and I liked how the reader got to experience the authors experience. Something that doesnt happen too often we only get to escape into the actual story. I would explore this style more. It vaguely reminds me of The Princess Bride. On that note, Id consider twisting the plot here and there, as an author might do, or changing up motives, or something. But this would require you to have a longer piece, where you can first grab the readers attention fully into the plot of the story, and hold that while you indulge in writing about the authors perspective. But I think it would be fun. Way to go!
Grakl An Abusive Occupation: Wow, Ive never read such detailed description of lipstick in my life! I like how you bring it back later in the story, but still felt like the description was extra long. Maybe Im missing something though, in terms of what the lipstick might have symbolized. I think you did an excellent job of describing the abusive scene very vivid and easy to read.
GSR Jeannie: I liked the start of each paragraph and the sort of cyclical pattern of Dubronts thought pattern. Having said that, its hard for the reader to re-read the same recollection of what happened to the daughter. But I think its a good idea to write that way, since people often re-remember an event. (That was something I was toying with in my story, and each remembrance took the MC farther from the truth.) But I wonder how you could make it so that each reiteration had something new. But maybe thats it: some new revelation each time. I also liked how you expressed what the MC thought of her daughter, in contrast with his grim perception of the rest of the world.
Sober Birthday Pilgrimage: At first I thought this was gonna be like my story but not at all! The ending paragraph was my favorite part you pulled it off without getting cheesy. I guess the one part that dragged just a little was the 1 or 2 paragraphs at Rob couldnt make heads-or-tails of Frank after all these years. Maybe that description could have been slightly shorter but even then, I think its just fine. Very smooth read, nicely done.
Azih Two Tasks: Very creative story and a fun read. I like how reading about the future felt like reading about the past a bit. I liked the way you thought about how universities would be regarded. On that note, I wonder what else he would have seen in his trek that would have been amusing. But maybe that would have completely distracted from this short story perhaps more appropriate for a longer novella or something. Itd be a big seller in the Silicon Valley!
Valerie Cherish LEGO Fire Brigade; 2,231 Pieces: It sounds like you didnt have time to make something longer. But even a haiku can have a lot of meaning! So, even with your line, I think I see what you are going for
but I wonder if in your short sentence, you could have described a bit more why the mom didnt recognize it. She seemed to have a lapse in memory of her own son, so I wonder if she has had mental health stuff or what not.
Lone Prodigy Thanks Dad: This was fun to read and the letter was very well written. I could practically hear the dads voice. I was glad I got to hear the kids response too because I wasnt sure if the story would end with just the letter which might have also been interesting, but maybe frustrating to the reader! With the ending, though, I wish there was more reflection or reaction on the part of the kid, before he saw the church. I liked how the church was somewhat of a cliffhanger and if he was going to try to go meet his dad. That would allow for a whole other story in which maybe thered be more point to the fighting than just duty, but also personal relation, etc. That would be way down the line though. I vaguely thought of Enders Game when I read this.
Mike Works The Finish: Loved the 2nd POV. I also liked the word choice and the ease of reading. Also, creative topic. I liked the main character but at points the MC felt a little less convincing than could have been
but I think Im just trying to find something. Overall, this was a great story with the right amount of seriousness, pace, and emotion. I also liked reading about her relation to others, and to her job.
HP_Wuvcraft The Art of Geeks, Part I: Ode to a Toilet: Hmm, I wish I could say something to this, but I think I dont have enough of the background knowledge to be able to speak to why all is so bleak. But, it sounds interesting. Good start.
DumbNameD Before This: Very creative idea. I like how you blurred reality and fantasy. You could go on and on with this story and it wouldnt get boring. I really liked how Moira said, You must forget your past, my dear. Especially since kids sometimes use play as the kid-version of talk therapy, and it helps the KIDS move on from THEIR past. So nice spin on that. I also liked the analogy, the words cut through the silence like scissors through construction paper.
Cyan Chicken: This reminded me of college time spent in tangential ways! Off target! What I thought was funny was how the subject of each emailed changed with the number of question marks and exclamation points!!?!?! I wonder if there could be a way you could expand on helping the reader understand the characters better. I felt like I could picture Malcolm and his personality a bit better than Luftwengs, for example. (I wonder if he is left wing, too! Hee hee.) I also questioned how much the professor would entertain the question since that would take a lot of his time, anyway, which is what he is trying to avoid. If he was entertaining it, then I was surprised by his serious tone. I did like the tone of Malcoms writing though. And I liked how casual he was with his professor. Overall, I thought this was very creative, and well-executed. I liked how you brought in the 3rd character too, but expected that shed chime in too. But anyway, very fun read.
Ashes1396 The Unfinished Experiment: The middle of this story was the most captivating for me. I had difficulty feeling engaged in the beginning. Once the discussion about paradise began, I was hooked, and it was very fun to visualize the spelunking, which you described well, and with a good pace. The ending was very well done, and nicely ironic. I would say that I wish I knew a bit more about Conrad and Jules, and a way to spice up the 1st third of the story.
