Ward: Beware of familiar pitfalls with the first person POV! There’s far too much “I do this” and “I do that” in your story. By writing in this style, you’re actually distancing the reader from your narrator/protagonist; it feels less intimate. Like a robot narrating what it’s doing. Instead of saying “I pick up the cup”, say something like “The cup’s chipped handle rubs against an old blister on my palm.” There are a million ways you can get away from the “I do this” narration.
As for the story itself, I felt like it took too long to actually get going. It needs more action, as there’s far too much exposition in the first few pages, and every time there’s a line of action, the story falls back into exposition. I’d suggest re-reading Tangent’s piece to show how much action you can have, and how brisk it makes the reading experience. Lastly, the narration/POV gets broken when the narrator starts asking if we (the reader) “remember that scientist?” The tense collapses too, as it goes from present tense in the past, then past tense in the present. In terms of plot and character, I’d say that the ending felt unearned… it’s not that there isn’t the potential for power behind that ending, but I didn’t really feel on board with the scientist really losing himself. Definitely a first draft, but not without potential.
Aaron: I’m a little confused as to what the protagonist’s motives are (and perhaps I misinterpreted)… why would he want to move in with an unattractive manipulator? I liked the idea behind the theme, but that one piece of motivational confusion stuck with me. I also made a note that, halfway through the story, I had no idea what the plot or story was. In terms of technical stuff, I noticed that a few too many dialogue tags spun out into longer sentences; not necessarily wrong, but perhaps overused. Going back to theme, I thought that everything in the first half of the story is largely just action with little touching on the theme, and then suddenly a switch is turned on and everything theme and tonal-related comes exploding out from the protagonist. Perhaps this was because the story was approaching the word count limit and you wanted to make sure it got out there? Regardless, I felt it could have been parceled out more evenly. I think the story could use a little more action that could relate to the protagonist’s feelings and the theme… perhaps a short scene where he’s alone or with someone else?
Cyan: Near the beginning of your story, the narrator describes 3 stories where he’s been late for something. The first is a big sporting moment, the second is a first date, and the third is an engagement party. I know this might be a little OCD with rules of three, but it irked me that the latter two were about personal, relationship moments, and the first was just about baseball. Not that baseball can’t mean a lot to some people, but there’s almost a thread between the three, and I think it could benefit from that. In terms of the casual narration, there were a few too many “like’s” and “well’s” and “yeah’s”… but they work when used sparsely.
The sentence “The people were gone” made me say, “Yes!” out loud in a coffee shop. Always a good litmus test when judging a moment in a story. That said, I’d caution against over-using the one sentence paragraph as well.
As for the story, I loved the premise for the most part. I was totally sold on in about two thirds through the story; the idea of an absurd cultist who’s missed out on such a monumental moment that actually surprisingly happened, and being forced to cope with it is an awesome idea. Unfortunately, the ending almost risks wiping out the entire story (is this all a big lie that the narrator made up to get out of jail… also why is he in court in the first place?); it makes us ask questions that detract from the potential focus the story spends so long setting up. It almost makes it feel trivial. My opinion/advice: the heart of the story is in a crazy space-cultist having to cope in the ‘real world’ with having missed the once in a lifetime spaceship. What mindset would he be in? What are the ramifications?
Tangent: You know Tangent, I don’t often vote for your stories nearly as highly as others generally do in these threads, but I have to admit that you’re nicely consistent with your stories in that they, at the very least, are technically sound and strong. You got my first place vote for this competition primarily because you had an idea for a story that you set out on, you structured it so it would flow nicely, you focused more on showing rather than telling, and you largely accomplished those tasks.
That’s not to say it can’t be improved of course! I’d start off with changing the title; it risks spoiling the revelation and it sounds really cheesy. Personal opinion. Additionally, I kind of questioned the vocabulary this younger girl who can’t read possesses. It fits for the most part, but there are times when her vocab sounds too eloquent or older, and times when it sounds like a different person completely. I also wasn’t quite sure how none of her teachers never noticed that she couldn’t read. I’m not quite sure if that’s something she could realistically hide this far into school.
That said, it’s the ending that needs the most attention. It’s far too abrupt and doesn’t really say or conclude anything. We know that illiteracy is an issue and can be a real burden, and it’s interesting seeing that from a child’s POV, but what is it you want to really break open in the climax? What does your protagonist want to say (aside from “I hate school”
?
Anyway, this is probably going to be my last critique/entry for a while; school starts next week and I’ll have my hands full writing new stories and critiquing vampire lit fic (just joking, hopefully). Keep writing dudes and keep up the good work!
