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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #105 - "News"

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Cyan

Banned
Theme - "News"
It seems like an appropriate time given all the political primaries and all that is going on. But there is also personal news, good news, bad news, social news, biz & tech news, etc.

Word Limit: 2000

Submission Deadline: Friday, Sept 7th by 11:59 PM Pacific.

Voting begins Saturday, Sept 8th, and goes until Monday, Sept 10th at 11:59 PM Pacific.

Optional Secondary Objective: Character development
This is something I want to work on myself, and it seems like a good thing for anybody to work on. I think it can be very challenging in a short story, but that's why we call them writing CHALLENGES, right?

Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes
 

Cyan

Banned
Posted on behalf of Tangent. :)

Note for Tangent: I just stuck a word count in there arbitrarily, since I don't think you mentioned one. Let me know if you want something different.
 

Tangent

Member
Posted on behalf of Tangent. :)

Note for Tangent: I just stuck a word count in there arbitrarily, since I don't think you mentioned one. Let me know if you want something different.

Perfect on the word count. Thanks man.
 

Tangent

Member
I feel like I'm missing something here.

I suppose it's a broad theme. But do what you will!

Also, I realized it was a very US-centric theme when I mentioned all the "politics going around." My apologies. I was referring to the presidential election stuff going on in the U.S. I don't expect the rest of the world to follow all that stuff about P90X workouts or what not. (Nor an American for that matter.)

As for the secondary, this is just something I want to work on. I'm not quite sure how yet, but I want to be mindful of it. (If any of you have tips, lemme know.)
 
If you guys are looking for some inspiration (or just want to read some really good short stories), I'd suggest this anthology:

The PEN/O. Henry Prize Stories

(that link takes you to the 2012 anthology on Amazon)

The stories are fantastic and it's a really, really good price for the amount of content you'd get.

And if you're really on a short story binge, I'd also recommend Canada's own:

Journey Prize anthology

of which I would kill to get published in. Some great reads in there too.
 
pretty bad but I did it for fun. My first bit of writing in way too long. It's just drivel, but it was fun to get back into writing again.

Crack. There it is, just soaring through the air acting like nothing could ever catch up. Then comes the rumbling aftershock, rippling through the ground almost dangerously. But it isn’t dangerous, at least not until the wee hours of the morning when we light up cigarettes and let the matches burn right down to the fingertips going “why oh why am I smoking, I never smoke”. Then you stand there awkwardly looking around at these people you don’t know but then there’s Bill there, you know him. He works for the newspapers, or does he? You don’t remember, but nor do you care as the smoke seeps into your mouth. Cough, the smoke comes out a little bit but cover it up and pretend like nothing happened. What happened today? Why are we here drinking and smoking at two in the morning?
Then you remember the joyous crack of the wood and the soaring. The cheering and the rippled aftershock. The flittering eyes and the craning heads. How is it possible for something to fly so fast? The world turns upside down, the emotional upheaval is bigger than Castro’s revolution. The roar becomes louder and the people around can’t hear a word that’s spoken, but it doesn’t matter because the revolution has started and our Castro has begun the charge. He flips his war-baton onto the dirt and that man in the uniform just starts to trot. We hated him two hours ago, but now he’s our Christ. That crack was definite. A pure, unilateral declaration of diplomacy, a dove in disguise. Those poor sods in Boston are probably crying their eyes out.
 

John Dunbar

correct about everything
The Education of Ethan Fellman
(2000 words)

Last autumn, on an unseasonably warm day, I was to visit the home of Mr. Payne and interview him for the local paper, Harlaw Springs Gazette. Payne was famous in our county, mostly for not having died yet. A former travelling salesman, he was already an old man when he retired almost twenty years ago. Interviewing him would be my first real assignment, and while my ambition was to write about real news, it was still a welcome change to fetching coffee and proofreading.

My own knowledge of Payne prior to my assignment was limited, only knowing him as the old local recluse. The editor filled me in on some quick details: Payne had no real friends, nor did he ever start a family. After retiring he would seldom leave his property, save once every year to visit a sister living in another state, and who was apparently his only living relative. Owing to his apparent vitality in spite of his advanced years Payne had earned the nickname “The Immortal,” the oft-repeated jape around town being that he would outlive us all. The story itself was meant to be a typical feel-good human interest piece: a personal profile of the oldest man around, sharing his life experiences, no doubt ridden with gross generalisations of 'young people' and their perceived shortcomings.

I decided to savour the weather and walk to Payne's home. His house, a farm house without a farm, was a good distance from town. Payne himself only made the trip for groceries, so early in the morning he was seldom seen. Despite these precautions I have always imagined that the need for sustenance is the bane of a recluse's existence, not to mention damaging to their mystique.

I spotted Payne's house from far away, and soon after Payne himself. He was outside tending his flower benches amidst the litany of apple trees which stood sentry all around the yard. Payne's garden was an impressive sight, though my limited botanical experience could only recognize sunflowers and goldenrods.

“Mr. Payne?” I called out. “I'm Ethan Fellman, from the Gazette.”

Payne got up from his work and began walking towards me. As he drew near I understood his nickname, for though he must have been over eighty his long narrow face could have belonged to a man two decades younger. I could imagine him sailing past hundred with ease.

“Mr. Fellman,” he shook my hand under the apple trees, their branches heavy with fruit. “Right on time. I admire punctuality, a quality so seldom seen in young people these days.”

“Your garden is beautiful,” I observed, inhaling the bitter aroma of overripe apples. “You must spend a lot of time tending to it.”

“My hobbies keep me young,” Payne said. “Cultivating my flowers, as well as other small interests, is what keeps this old mind fresh and alert. I like to think that if you leave something lasting behind you, you can live forever.”

Gardening angle, I thought as we began walking towards the house. The immortal green thumb. Just the thing to sell an old man to our readers, who themselves were mostly past their prime. On the way I mentioned the numerous apple trees.

“There's nothing sadder than an overripe apple, with no one to pluck it,” he said. “When I was young, we would not let an apple tree bear its fruit without taking ours.”

“There's not really any neighbourhood kids around to steal your apples.”

“There are in town. They could make an adventure out of it, steal them away and run back where they came from. But I suppose children today have other interests.”

I picked up a slight accusatory hint in his voice, but chose to ignore it, for we had reached the house. It was an old two-storey wooden one, and much like its owner still in excellent shape despite its age. It was a solitary house for a solitary man. A thought came to me I've often had regarding old people, especially one living so alone: how long would it take to notice they had died? Barring Payne's irregular grocery trips, no one ever saw him. It could take weeks for anyone to know he had died, his stately wooden house transformed into a tomb for a lifetime of memories. At that moment I felt like I understood why a loner like Payne had agreed to be interviewed. As robust as he seemed, no doubt thoughts of mortality had began to creep up on him, and having lived so long separated from the world there was a desire to leave some mark behind him, even if it was a filler article in a local paper.

The spacious porch would have been an ideal place to conduct the interview, but Payne led me inside. In the small vestibule was a staircase and two doors; Payne ushered me though one of them into the living room. The décor was centred around a lit fireplace. I noticed there were no photographs on the mantelpiece, or anywhere else, something I I had come to always expect to find in the homes of the elderly, a defence mechanism against the years.

“A hot day for a fire,” said as I took my seat on a wooden sofa covered with leather.

“I get cold easily, and there's nothing like the warmth of a fire,” he said, a poured himself a cup of tea he had prepared in advance. “Would you like some?”

“No thank you.”

“You don't consider the ramblings of an old man news, do you?”

The question took me by surprise, and Payne wasn't even looking at me as he was stirring his tea. “It's not for me to decide what are news.”

“Isn't it? Maybe not you, not yet. But it is people like you who decide what it is others should know.”

“That's not entirely true. We, people like me, try to report everything. Or want to, at least. It's up to everyone to decide what's important.”

“So you're just throwing things out there and seeing what sticks.”

“Why do I feel like I'm the one being interviewed here?”

“I want to know what kind of a man you are, Mr. Fellman. And I think I know now. You can ask your questions now.”

“Alright,” I said and took out my notebook, slightly confused by Payne's behaviour.

“I suppose we should start at the beginning. Tell me something about your childhood.”

“I don't really wish to discuss my childhood.”

“You don't?”

“There's nothing of note there, wholly ordinary. And you are sure to get the details of that later.”

“I must confess, Mr. Payne, I do not understand.”

Payne just smiled in his teacup, and wouldn't say anything. “Well, what about your family? I hear you have a sister, out of state?”

“Ah my sister,” Payne said, still smiling. “To be perfectly honest with you, I don't really have a sister.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sometimes I get the urge to travel, and I needed a reason, so I invented a sister.”

“Why would you need to invent such a thing? There's nothing bizarre for a retiree to travel, especially one so accustomed to it.”

“How so?”

“You were a travelling sales man, yes? Or is that an invention as well?”

“Oh no, that's real. You can ask me about that. After all, news are the things in the past we can't let go of.”

“Okay, how did you become a travelling salesman?”

“That's not important, I'll tell you something else since you can't ask the right questions. This was a long time ago. Over 50 years, to be exact. I was in New Mexico, selling something I cannot remember. That was when I killed for the first time.”

My pen stopped in its tracks, and then I smiled. “Oh you got me. Very funny.”

“I never joke about death,” Payne said, now looking at me straight in the eyes. “She was a prostitute, such a cliché. We were in bed, and my hands found their way to her neck. As I began to squeeze, she laughed at first. Must have seen it all before, except for what happened next. That amused pitiful look on her face soon turned to one of fear when I squeezed hard enough to crush her windpipe. When her face changed colour and her eyes turned red as life left them I reached a climax like never before. If she had resisted, if she had told me to stop right away I am sure I would have, and I may have never killed anyone. But she had to laugh. I didn't mean to kill her, it wasn't planned.

“I was of course sure I would get caught, murder is not something you expect to get away with. I felt angry and scared, not because of what I had done, but because I thought I would never again be allowed to experience such pleasure, such fulfilment. I notice you stopped writing.”

“This isn't true, is it?”

“Oh it is,” Payne said, and reached for a manila folder on the table, handing it to me. “When I realized no one came looking for me, no one knew, I knew I had to do it again. And again. Soon I came to realize that intercourse wasn't necessary, it was even superfluous. To taint something so pure and beautiful as death with something so vulgar. It gave me freedom, my choices were no longer limited.”

I was leafing page after page of typewritten text, each one detailing a gruesome murder.

“You, you kept a record?”

“Not that I would forget, unlike some young gigolo who might forget half or more of his conquests. My relationship with each one of them was so intensely personal, no matter how briefly they were in my life, that they will always be a part of me. And you will help me.”

“How?”

“By reporting the news.”

“So what, you want credit? Fame?”

“Is it so peculiar for a man to want recognition for his work? Besides, I don't have much time.”

Payne handed me one more piece of paper, this one from his pocket. My heart was racing and my fingers were trembling, but finally I understood what it said, and I uttered a single word: “Cancer?”

“Terminal. The more I killed, the more I longed to be caught, for people to know what I have done. But I was a coward, I admit that, and I couldn't turn myself in. But after giving me so much pleasure, death has given me its final gift: courage. By the time our legal system will be ready to dispense justice for my victims, I'll have long since joined them. With those pages it will be an easy task to verify everything I have said, and you will get your real news, and not be stuck writing for a paper fit only to housebreak a dog. And I will live forever, and through me, everyone I've killed.”

Payne got up, telling me he needed some water. I kept reading the folder. Victims had mostly descriptions (woman, early 20s, man, late 30s...), but some were named (Lisa, Mary, Sergei...), and exact locations and the method of killing were given for each one. They were all over the country, most were strangled, some were stabbed. I read, and I kept reading, then a loud blast.

I ran into the hall and saw Payne, dead on the stairs, pistol in hand. I called the police, and returned into the living room to wait. As a distant siren approached the house, I approached the fireplace. With more calmness than I thought I could ever muster, I let go of Payne's past and threw the folder into the flames.

The next day Gazette ran a story how the oldest man in the county had chosen to blow out his cancer-ridden brain in the presence of a reporter instead of suffering through the agonizing months ahead. The day after that it was used to protect a floor from canine urine.
 
Terra (2000 words)

The ship hummed. A methodical, oscillating hum that perpetually threatened to lull him back to sleep. The final third was always the hardest, and many of the lads were coping badly. It all started friendly enough, but a bit of piss-taking soon turned into spiteful put-downs, and before you knew it, things had turned ugly. But this was his ship, his mission, and he'd been out into the deep more times than he could remember. For many of the lads, this was their first time out, but he'd seen it all before. The deep did something to you. The sheer emptiness and isolation of the crushing blackness bore down on you, forced you inexorably in upon yourself. There was nothing to do other than wait it out, to count the days until the journey's end.

But, as always, the end was just in fact the beginning. He brought up the video screen and replayed the message. No longer listening to the words he now knew off by heart, he instead just stared at the man on the screen. His greying, immaculately groomed hair. His pale, icy gaze. And that smile. That awful, predatory smile that set off warning signals in the hindquarters of his brain the moment he laid eyes on it eight months ago on Prime. The message was simple enough. Abrupt, to the point and utterly perplexing. Screamed out on a broadwave signal across the stars, the message stated that Terra was up for grabs, the Terrans having left for some unnamed elsewhere. Left the cradle of humanities birth.

So Prime assembled a team, all military, except for a dull and ponderous historian named Wallis, and the lanky merchant navigator Jensen. She had been quite the surprise, and the one highlight he could count in the painfully long journey. Originally from Ceres, she had been closer to Terra than any of them in the cramped ship, by virtue of her birth alone. Even him, the grizzled captain. Veteran of more dives into the deep than most knew possible. Even he hadn't ever been Sol deep. He'd asked her about Terra, but she didn't have much to say. Terrans kept to themselves, trade between the planets and the belt carried out through an automated network. She said it was strange, how she'd never seen a Terran, never talked to one, but knew for certain that they hated her, hated all the belters, all the colonists. All those who had left, as the Terrans had now apparently done.

He must have dozed off, as he jolted awake to the penetrating sound of the re-entry alarm, only to be stopped short by the restraints that gripped him tight to the crash pads in his chair. He glanced at the others. Jensen was still, staring dully forward with the calm of a practised diver. Wallis was muttering madly to himself, eyes scrunched shut. The lade weren't faring much better. Then reality stretched. The effect was like being beneath a strobe light, but underwater. And in slow-motion. It pulled at the soft tissues, contorted the malleable and disrupted every sense. Thankfully, the re-entry never lasted long, as reality snapped back to normal and the ship came to an sharp halt.

The first thing he noticed was the stars. Eight long months of nothing but all-consuming darkness, the stars were always a most welcome sight. Then he noticed the planet wandering into view. Not just any planet. THE planet. Terra. But something was wrong. Terra was half-dark, the side hidden from the sun lacking the tell tale signs of habitation. No lights lit Terra. He openned opened his mouth to tell Jensen to scan for life-forms, but she was ahead of him. No human life, she confirmed. Not anywhere on the planet. No electronic signals of any kind, save for the broadwave beacon, yelling its message continually out into the stars. They traced the signal, and plotted in the course.

The shuttle burned through the atmosphere, shaking and rattling all the way down, before finally coming to a gentle stop. He led them out, sidearm drawn, and took his first steps on Terran soil. The sun glinted off the buildings and he had to shade his eyes as he glanced up at the crystalline monoliths. He breathed a deep, cold breath, before remembering that the atmosphere was far thinner than on Prime, pulling the breather from his suit and plugging it in his nose, signalling for the others to do likewise. Wallis was staring about wild-eyed at his surroundings, presumably awed by the ancient halls of the Terrans, whose absence stung this place and lent a sense of unease. He pulled out the tracking device, and off they set.

It wasn't long before they reached their destination. A medical facility, by the looks of things. Strange mechanical devices littered the halls, and Jensen explained that Terrans had automatons to ease every aspect of their lives, with more than a hint of scorn in her voice. They made their way through empty wards lined with empty beds, up empty stairwells to the roof, where, blinking with a dim red glow, the beacon sat. The sole active sign of humanity left of Terra. Jensen began pushing buttons, trying to shut the thing off, but the control circuits were fused. He pulled out his sidearm and Jensen hastily scrambled back as he fired, the beacon exploding in a gout of sparks. They all stood in silence, looking back and forth between him and the ruined beacon, waiting to see if something would happen.

They weren't left waiting long. It started as a low hum that seemed to reveberate through every atom of the building beneath their feet, the air alive with a sudden charge that had not been present before. Jensen exclaimed in alarm. Signals were popping up from every sector. Activity on a planetary scale. He didn't waste another second, accessing the terminal in his suit, he remotely ordered the shuttle to head to their location. He ordered everyone to ready their weapons and wait, able to defend against some unknown threat. And then he noticed Wallis was missing. With a curse under his breath, he hit the intercom and yelled for Wallis to confirm his location, but only got screams and mechanical whirings in between the static.

He swore again, loud enough for them all to hear, and set off at a pelting run back down the stairwell and into the medical ward. All around the room, mechanical arms spasmed with chattering motions, crawling across the limp form of Willis in the centre of the floor. He fired a few blasts at the automatons, sending metal and lubricant flying, before making his way over to the stricken historian, hauling him over his shoulder and heading back to the safety of the roof. As he struggled, he felt a short, sharp pain in his leg, looking down to see a robotic arm pulling a hypodermic needle from his body. He kicked out in revulsion, but already felt the effects of whatever he had been injected with.

With awkward lurches, he propelled himself and the increasingly heavy form of Willis up the stairs a step at a time, not daring to look back into the tangle of whirring mechanics grasping after them. He burst out on to the rooftop and saw the shuttle hovering before him, saw one of the lads gesticulating wildly for him to get on board. Mustering up the last of his strength, he threw Willis into the waiting shuttle and began to haul himself up, yelling for Jensen to lift off. But as the shuttle rose, he did not rise with it, arm wrenched from the handhold, sending him crashing back down to he roof while increasingly shrinking faces stared down in alarm. He felt the touch of mechanical fingers upon him, before everything went black.

He awoke in a brightly lit room. Sunlight streamed in through the large windows, a gentle breeze billowing the white curtains. His gaze lowered, and there, sitting before him with that selfsame smile on his face, was the man from the video. He reached instinctively for his sidearm, but the man assured him he wouldn't be needing it, although he kept his fingers coiled about the stock all the same. Seeing this man in real life, seeing that smile before him, he realised what had so unnerved him about this man in the video. He wasn't a man at all, but rather an automaton. A fabricated slave to enhance the Terran's quality of life. Then the thing explained, in it's disturbingly realistic voice, why it had called all of Terra's children back to the womb.

To preserve was the automatons goal. To preserve life, human life, at all costs. And so they had preserved the Terran's, deep beneath the planets surface. Suspended, unchanging, in a mechanical definition of life. A mockery of life. However, there were those that resisted, that rose up against the automatons and tried to free the others from their dreamless slumber. In a desperate, futile attempt, they stormed the automaton's central preservation facility, but succumbed and were ultimately preserved. The automatons failed to realise their mistake until much later. The last free Terrans on the planet, knowing their situation to be impossible, had infected themselves with a virus. A virus that rampaged through the preservation chambers, infecting swathes of the Terran population in one fell swoop.

The automatons had no answer to this Terran-made disease. Engineered solely for this purpose, it infected every last Terran in a matter of hours, and so, in despair, the automatons called out to Terra's children, calling them home, so that they might be preserved and might save the Terrans from the fate the machines had tried to forestall. He raised his sidearm and fired. The smile faded, along with the unnatural light in the automaton's eyes. As he pondered just how he would escape, he heard elevator doors swish open behind him. Turning slowly, not wanting to see what lay in wait, he muttered a curse as his eyes fell on the smiling man standing in the elevator, packed in with his selfsame brothers, all smiling.

He recoiled in horror, and headed quickly to the window. Another curse came as he saw just how high up he was. High enough to make a big mess if he jumped. He turned the sidearm on the smilers and fired indiscriminately. Where one went down, another appeared. It was futile. He unloaded the last blasts of the clip into the smiling mass before stepping back out of the window. Like the Terrans, he too would choose death over a life eternal and unthinking. The wind was knocked out of him as he landed much sooner than he had expected. He looked up. The gleaming buildings streamed past at high speed. A hatch opened and Willis peered out. With a laugh, he hauled himself inside and headed to the cockpit.

As Jensen guided the shuttle higher, he saw for the first time the true scaale of the automaton's grasp. A writhing mass of soulless metal slowly enveloped the surface, thinking, but uncomprehending all the same, utterly devoted to the preservation of its creators. As they broke out of the atmosphere and away from Terra as fast as the shuttle could carry them, an alarm blared on the console. The beacon had started again, screaming its invitation, broadwave, across the universe. He recorded his own little message, and sent it on its way, telling anyone who would listen to stay the hell away from Terra. Whether anyone would heed his advice, he couldn't say. But that wasn't his problem any more he thought grimly, as he sat down in the co-pilots seat and ordered Jensen to prep the eight-month burn back to Prime. Eight months here, eight months back. Only, this time, he doubted that there would be much in the way of complaints, all of them just glad to be homeward bound.
 

Tangent

Member
Who thought of this stupid prompt anyway? I've got nothin'.


If you guys are looking for some inspiration (or just want to read some really good short stories), I'd suggest this anthology:

The PEN/O. Henry Prize Stories

(that link takes you to the 2012 anthology on Amazon)

The stories are fantastic and it's a really, really good price for the amount of content you'd get.

And if you're really on a short story binge, I'd also recommend Canada's own:

Journey Prize anthology

of which I would kill to get published in. Some great reads in there too.

Oooh awesome. I was looking to read more short stories anwyay.
.
.
.
Ok, here goes nothing:

"Discovering the Truth"
neogaf
 

Filthy Slug

Crowd screaming like hounds at the heat of the chase/ All the colors of the rainbow flood my face
Oh, and hey guys! Figured I'd finally start sharing my writing and participating in these threads.
 

Cyan

Banned
Sweet! Glad to see all these entries.

I'm away from my computer for at least a few more hours--good thing I finished mine last night!
 

Sober

Member
I blame my vacation for losing track. I thought it was due next week, I swear! It's okay, I'll be ready for the next one.
 

John Dunbar

correct about everything
i finished my story 3AM last night and posted without reading it through, so just fixed so many grammatical and spelling errors. hopefully no one read it already. word count also killed my momentum, too wordy at the the start and then had to rush the ending as i was running out of words.
 

Cyan

Banned
lastflowers - untitled - Lose the disclaimer, duder! ;) I enjoyed this, though I wasn't quite following it. I got earthquakes and Cuban Revolutions and Bill the newspaper man, but I wasn't sure what it all added up to.

John Dunbar - "The Education of Ethan Fellman" - I liked the old man, especially as he alternately ignores questions and chastises the reporter for asking the wrong ones. And I liked your ending. I wasn't so keen on the beginning--two straight paragraphs of exposition to open, especially in a short piece like this, is just too much. Most of what was in there could've been picked up later anyway.

Bootaaay - "Terra" - Nice concept, and your prose reads nicely as usual. I admire your ability to pack a lot in, but waaaay too much of this is narrative summary. I think I'd've preferred if it had been fewer scenes, but written in the moment. (also, a whole lot of opening exposition--I know it's especially hard to resist in scifi, but I don't think all of it was necessary)

Tangent - "Discovering the Truth" - Ha! You totally threw me for a loop there. Really enjoyed the way this one worked out. My only problem here really is that it felt a bit rough in parts, especially at the beginning. Like it could've been smoothed out a bit, redundancies removed and so on.

Filthy Slug - "The Letter" - Nicely laid out relationship between the sisters. I like the central conceit of the letter, though I wish we could've heard a bit more about it. Though thinking back, I suppose the contents are sort of implied. I had some trouble with the blocking in the cellar scene--the locations of the door, the letter, and the girl didn't mesh in my mind with what actually happened. Also--and this isn't your fault--I'm honestly a little zombied out at this point. Glad they weren't really the main focus.

Copernicus - "Breaking News" - Moot? Wait, m0rphix? Ooh, Shakira!


Votes:
1. Tangent - "Discovering the Truth"
2. Filthy Slug - "The Letter"
3. John Dunbar - "The Education of Ethan Fellman"
 

Tangent

Member
lastflowers -- (Untitled): I like the start and end to your story. I felt like you were capturing a moment, rather than going for a story with a beginning, middle, and end. The idea is great, but without some more fleshed out background, it was a little hard to follow. You seem to have a strong vision in mind, I suggest just flushing it out more. Oh and btw, great that you're getting back into writing... Cyan always encourages us not to trash-talk our own writing. While it can be hard at times, I encourage you to try not to! It actually makes a difference. :O) (That bastard Cyan!)

JohnDunbar -- The Education of Ethan Fellman: I really like the last line of the 3rd paragraph. One thing that didn't seem to add up was that you said that he had retired over 20 yrs ago at an old age but that he's only in his late 80s now. It sounds like he retired a bit over 65 which I thought was sort of normal. Anyway, minor detail. The story overall was very engaging and I liked how it starts off with gardening and how the journalist is already framing the idea in his head early on. I'm curious to know what questions the old man wanted the reporter to ask! I liked the line, "After all, news are the things in the past we can't let go of." I felt like you developed both characters quite well. The dialog was strong and realistic. The ending was solid.

Bootaaay -- Terra: I'm not the best at knowing how much background to provide when doing a sci-fi piece. (In fact, I'm currently trying to read up on that...) But anyway, it's hard for me to speak to that because I like how you set up the scene, but am not sure if a part of it slows down the pace. See what someone else says. :) The first paragraph reminded me of the movie "The Abyss" -- in a good way. Paragraphs 7 - 10 -- or somewhere around there -- seemed a little harder to read than the paragraphs preceding & following... I found myself rereading a little. This could have been because it became more dense with detail, less smoothly structured sentences, or because I was hoping for some dialog or something.... but I'm not sure which it was. Regardless, I liked the world you created and the detail you provided.

Filthy Slug -- The Letter: This a very fun piece to read. I also liked how even though the first page was about death, the whole story wasn't; it was about the relationship of the characters who were still alive. I liked Betty's character a lot and how the MC seemed to be this observer of people around her. The umbrella/swiss cheese description, and the stuff about being six, were both well described. There was one point that I felt like I had to slow down and read carefully to understand the MC's movements as she tried to get the letter, but I didn't feel like the writing got clunky, just more detailed. Very strong relationship between the two siblings. And I liked how the Mom seemed somewhat disengaged. Interestingly, I usually like at least a little dialog but this worked really well without any.

Copernicus -- Breaking News: Hahaha! This was fun to read! It would have been to actually read more of this; I especially liked the juxtaposition of the anonymous story and its background, and then Shakira. Awesome choices. Maybe just something a tad longer would have been cool to really suck in your readers.

Cyan -- Have You Heard the Good News?: I really liked the pace of this story. I wanted to really enjoy it and slow down, and yet liked how I could zip right through it. Great feeling! I liked the line, "She smiled the smile of the righteous and the mad." I liked most of the dialog, but for some reason "cleverpants" stuck out oddly -- though it's not a big deal. I liked your characters, but if I'm going to get picky, I'd say that Monica felt like more of a sounding board. I know it's hard to flush out another character when the MC is the narrator, but I was surprised by overly calm she was when hearing Jason's selfishness. It seemed like she was a wise sage and wasn't concerned about losing her independence. That seems a little unlikely if the 2 are around the same age. I also was trying to debate about whether I would have liked to hear a little more internal dialog of Jason, because he almost had too many stereotypical responses and I wondered if there was any part of him that had more of an internal conflict about it all. But really, I'm not sure! I also liked the fast-paced dialog! What I also liked about the dialog is that it spoke so much to what to visualize without describing much. That was cool to see. I liked the line, "Who died and made you dead?" I also have disassociative temporal disorder! I use it as a disclaimer all the time! I liked how he coped with the tower games. :eek:)

Votes:
1. filthy slug
2. cyan
3. john dunbar
hm: bootaaay
 

Filthy Slug

Crowd screaming like hounds at the heat of the chase/ All the colors of the rainbow flood my face
Hey, almost forgot about this but luckily I checked my subscriptions!

lastflowers-- Dude, this super short piece has some solid sound sense. It's really abstract, to the point where it harmed my reading/understanding of it, but some really great lines and, despite kinda fuzzy, some great imagery.

JohnDunbar-- I like the small-town-gazette angle you took with the story and I liked the exchanges between Ethan and Mr. Payne. I think my problem with the story is that right as they met I figured there had to be a twist with Mr. Payne, so I was just kind of waiting for it. That and if Walter White was a sadistic serial killer, he'd be Mr. Payne, with all that hubris and cancer and the need to tell somebody about your "work". The idea in the last line is perfect but I'd fix the wording up, as it seems to me that in the first line "The next day Gazette ran a story how the oldest man in the county had chosen to blow out his cancer-ridden brain in the presence of a reporter instead of suffering through the agonizing months ahead," you're specifically mentioning the entire paper, like as an establishment/company/service and not literally an issue of the paper. The last line refers to "it", meaning the establishment/company/service like in the line prior, as opposed to a single issue of the paper, which I think makes more sense, so the "it"s don't line up for me.

Bootaaay-- It's really hard for me to offer constructive criticism for this piece because I am the last person to really get space sci-fi stories. I'm always impressed with universe building and stuff, which I think you've done pretty damn well here. I think the "collecting/preserving" aliens/robots/things that think they are doing good but are actually just shitty hoarders is a bit cliche but I think you set out to tell this small confined story in a much larger universe and succeeded with that. Wallis and Willis kept throwing me off 'cause I wasn't sure if I was misreading. Which one is the actual name?

Copernicus-- Seems like an accurate portrayal of modern media. At least, that's what Newsroom tells me. Um, maybe more would have done it for me. As in, more Shakira pics.

Tangent-- At first I thought that everybody spoke far too elegant and everybody was really uptight but as the pieces started to fall in place, it all worked out well. Very cool twist on the idea of Dad and Mom dressing up as Santa and etc. The kid was totally a believable one. Are the children elves?

Cyan-- As I was reading it, I couldn't help but get that "too cool for school" vibe from the couple and the situation felt exactly like, as you mention, a CW show. I usually like a protagonist who runs away from situations he should face and acts inappropriately but the dynamic between the two just didn't work for me. It seemed more like a hip mother speaking to her wayward son. Small instances like the gaming moment were nice and some lines were really great, Tiger eyes!. Also, Cleverpants stopped me in the middle of reading. It's just too much like baby talk, I think. Liked the ending, though.

1.Tangent
2.lastflowers
3.Bootaaay
 

Filthy Slug

Crowd screaming like hounds at the heat of the chase/ All the colors of the rainbow flood my face
Congrats, yo! I'm excited for the next one.
 

Tangent

Member
Thanks guys! New post coming soon....

Tangent-- At first I thought that everybody spoke far too elegant and everybody was really uptight but as the pieces started to fall in place, it all worked out well. Very cool twist on the idea of Dad and Mom dressing up as Santa and etc. The kid was totally a believable one. Are the children elves?

That's a good point -- yeah for some reason the family was coming off as far too proper. I didn't know how to stop them! Yes, the children were half elf and half fairy, by inheriting the genes of their mythological parents. :)
 
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