Same here. Currently at 1300 words not sure how much I'll need to wrap it up. If I just weren't so damn tired.
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #120 - "The Losers"
- Thread starter Aaron
- Start date
- Status
Same here. Currently at 1300 words not sure how much I'll need to wrap it up. If I just weren't so damn tired.
Maybe that's why I always blast music into my ears when I write.
All right.
"Mud Sledding" (1259 words)
"Mud Sledding" (1259 words)
Some Origins Are Better Left Secret (2,500 words, usual password)
Something by me that's not SciFi/Fantasy/Weird Fiction? OMGWTF is this shit?
(Relevant context)
Something by me that's not SciFi/Fantasy/Weird Fiction? OMGWTF is this shit?
(Relevant context)
Here we go:
And The World Keeps on Turninghttps://www.dropbox.com/s/z7gr2duaextqe6f/neogaf120_losers.pdf (2500 words).
who needs a password?
And The World Keeps on Turninghttps://www.dropbox.com/s/z7gr2duaextqe6f/neogaf120_losers.pdf (2500 words).
who needs a password?
British Monsoon
Member
Shells exploded in the distance as the rat-tat-tat-tat of gunfire drew inexorably closer. Somewhere in the palace a baby wailed, but he pushed the sound from his mind as he straightened his crimson neckerchief and smoothed down the creases upon the bright, ceremonial garb of his people. His beloved uniform sat on the bed in a crumpled heap, the lines of medals hanging lose in disarray, and he felt a pang of regret that he would never again wear it to battle. He took a deep, calming breath and centred himself, body and mind. Another shell exploded, closer now, and he smelt the powder in the air, the smell of smoking ruin and desolation that had followed him so bitterly these last few months. He pushed aside all thoughts of defeat and calmed his features, his face adopting the mask of wise, unshakable confidence that his people had come to implicitly trust, before opening the door and stepping from the room.
The hallways of the palace were lined with people, rising to their feet as he stepped forth, his men snapping smartly to attention. He proceeded towards his offices of state, a pair of guards in tow, and spared a proud look of approval for each person he passed, returning salutes and providing comforting words for all these brave souls he cared so dearly about. At the end of the hallway a woman clutched her crying baby tight, cooing to try and cease its wails. He stopped before her and looked into eyes that, while red rimmed and streaked with tears, held a calm determination. He smiled and gave the child the traditional blessing before moving proudly on, stepping smartly into his offices, towards his death. His officers stood arrayed before him, their uniforms too cast aside for this final meeting, and as they came to attention he looked into each of their faces in turn, a serene smile playing upon his lips as he took stock of the men who had been and were his friends, his brothers.
They parted as he moved towards his desk at the end of the room, before the great bay windows that looked out across the city. Smoke dominated the skyline, broken here and there by the fiery trace of munitions, while buildings, so many buildings, burned and smouldered and crumbled to rubble and dust, crushed beneath a wave of tanks and infantry that pushed his brave, dear soldiers further and further back, fewer left with every minute that passed. They would buy him the time he needed to make his final attack and for that he was eternally grateful. He took one final glance out of the window, not seeing the destruction, but seeing the city as it once was, as it stood in his heart and soul for all time, before turning back to his men, his desk and the camera crew who were finishing their preparations.
He sat at the chair, the chair from which he'd seen his father rule for so many years, while the officers fanned out behind him and stood to attention, the very image of stoic discipline. He glanced down, seeing for the first time the beloved Kalashnikov that had served him so very well, picking it up and running his hands over the worn grip, admiring the simplicity of design and thinking on all the weapon stood for. Reverently, he set the gun aside, for today was not a day for weapons, today the camera is mightier than the sword. His speech was brief, by comparison to the many broadcasts he had made from this very same desk, his words simple and calm, his demeanour confident and utterly assured, uncaring in the face of imminent doom. Beamed to every corner of the globe, people watched and listened in shock as his words washed over them, their frivolous, care-free viewing interrupted by dark thoughts they had preferred to ignore.
He explained their situation, reiterated their position, their unshakable belief of what was right and what was wrong and their opposal to the actions of cruel and greedy men who sought to rape this ancient land of its wealth, before reciting the litany of his people, the officers replying loudly to every petition, their voices united and strong. Then, he stood and the national anthem was played, while the world watched. He waited, his mind drifting to a warm summer many years ago as, undoubtedly, the very signal they were broadcasting brought their destruction ever closer. In moments, the room exploded and the signal went dead. The depleted uranium shell cracked into the palace with immeasurable force, pointed perfectly to the signals origin. Immediately, the air sucked out of the room, the lungs of every person collapsing in an instant before their bodies were seared by a wave of blinding heat that killed them before any had time to react.
From the outside, the building cracked like an egg. The grand palace that had been the centre of his governance collapsed inwards, joining its neighbours in a crumpled, smouldering wreck of death and destruction. History is written by the victors, but his final thought had been the hope that his voice had been heard, the sincere and heartfelt wish that the hypocrisy of his enemies be exposed by his words and by the aftermath of their actions. And as the tanks rolled down the great gates, pushed aside the last scattered remains of resistance, like rats they searched for his body, but found only mangled death. So much death as, with a dawning horror, the enemy looked upon what they had wrought, the deaths of not only those who took up arms against their unassailable greed and might, but of their mothers, their fathers, their sons and daughters, all heroes, all martyrs, all saints. All recorded by eager news crews who had followed in tow of the now stricken, would-be brave, conquering warriors, the cameras beaming back the shocking pictures to every corner of the globe, mightier than any weapon, more powerful than any words, their message scrawled deep, another bitter scar upon the pages of history.
The hallways of the palace were lined with people, rising to their feet as he stepped forth, his men snapping smartly to attention. He proceeded towards his offices of state, a pair of guards in tow, and spared a proud look of approval for each person he passed, returning salutes and providing comforting words for all these brave souls he cared so dearly about. At the end of the hallway a woman clutched her crying baby tight, cooing to try and cease its wails. He stopped before her and looked into eyes that, while red rimmed and streaked with tears, held a calm determination. He smiled and gave the child the traditional blessing before moving proudly on, stepping smartly into his offices, towards his death. His officers stood arrayed before him, their uniforms too cast aside for this final meeting, and as they came to attention he looked into each of their faces in turn, a serene smile playing upon his lips as he took stock of the men who had been and were his friends, his brothers.
They parted as he moved towards his desk at the end of the room, before the great bay windows that looked out across the city. Smoke dominated the skyline, broken here and there by the fiery trace of munitions, while buildings, so many buildings, burned and smouldered and crumbled to rubble and dust, crushed beneath a wave of tanks and infantry that pushed his brave, dear soldiers further and further back, fewer left with every minute that passed. They would buy him the time he needed to make his final attack and for that he was eternally grateful. He took one final glance out of the window, not seeing the destruction, but seeing the city as it once was, as it stood in his heart and soul for all time, before turning back to his men, his desk and the camera crew who were finishing their preparations.
He sat at the chair, the chair from which he'd seen his father rule for so many years, while the officers fanned out behind him and stood to attention, the very image of stoic discipline. He glanced down, seeing for the first time the beloved Kalashnikov that had served him so very well, picking it up and running his hands over the worn grip, admiring the simplicity of design and thinking on all the weapon stood for. Reverently, he set the gun aside, for today was not a day for weapons, today the camera is mightier than the sword. His speech was brief, by comparison to the many broadcasts he had made from this very same desk, his words simple and calm, his demeanour confident and utterly assured, uncaring in the face of imminent doom. Beamed to every corner of the globe, people watched and listened in shock as his words washed over them, their frivolous, care-free viewing interrupted by dark thoughts they had preferred to ignore.
He explained their situation, reiterated their position, their unshakable belief of what was right and what was wrong and their opposal to the actions of cruel and greedy men who sought to rape this ancient land of its wealth, before reciting the litany of his people, the officers replying loudly to every petition, their voices united and strong. Then, he stood and the national anthem was played, while the world watched. He waited, his mind drifting to a warm summer many years ago as, undoubtedly, the very signal they were broadcasting brought their destruction ever closer. In moments, the room exploded and the signal went dead. The depleted uranium shell cracked into the palace with immeasurable force, pointed perfectly to the signals origin. Immediately, the air sucked out of the room, the lungs of every person collapsing in an instant before their bodies were seared by a wave of blinding heat that killed them before any had time to react.
From the outside, the building cracked like an egg. The grand palace that had been the centre of his governance collapsed inwards, joining its neighbours in a crumpled, smouldering wreck of death and destruction. History is written by the victors, but his final thought had been the hope that his voice had been heard, the sincere and heartfelt wish that the hypocrisy of his enemies be exposed by his words and by the aftermath of their actions. And as the tanks rolled down the great gates, pushed aside the last scattered remains of resistance, like rats they searched for his body, but found only mangled death. So much death as, with a dawning horror, the enemy looked upon what they had wrought, the deaths of not only those who took up arms against their unassailable greed and might, but of their mothers, their fathers, their sons and daughters, all heroes, all martyrs, all saints. All recorded by eager news crews who had followed in tow of the now stricken, would-be brave, conquering warriors, the cameras beaming back the shocking pictures to every corner of the globe, mightier than any weapon, more powerful than any words, their message scrawled deep, another bitter scar upon the pages of history.
Challenge (Sort Of) Accepted
Anitoli drifted there at the airless center of the box within a box within a box within a satellite in the outer orbit of Titan, and as he drifted, he cursed Dyack with all his heart.
There was a slow leak in the suit, a quiet hissing just at the edge of hearing. If he moved, the noise of motion drowned out the hissing, but the moment he stopped, it was back again. So he kept moving, kept pawing ineffectually at the lack-of-air in the center of the box within a box, kept cursing quietly to himself.
"Fucking Dyack!"
And the day had started so well.
*
The goddamn sun was just starting to crack the blinds. Anitoli grunted at it and took a spoonful of corn flakes. What he really needed was some fucking caffeine, but Ravi had broken the coffeemaker last week.
"Hey, Toli!"
Anitoli looked up from the corn flakes, then remembered he'd decided not to respond to that dipshit nickname anymore and looked back down.
"Toli, yo!"
Anitoli stared down at his bowl, took another spoonful.
"All right, all right. Anitoli. Man, you ready for the talent show or what?"
"Yeah, I'm ready. Course I'm ready. Been practising my fucking safe-cracking for weeks, man."
"I gotta think of something to show off."
"Well think fast, you've got like an hour." And no talent, he didn't say. Ravi was friendly and cheerful and a decent roommate--and utterly talentless. It wasn't that he was bad at everything, he just wasn't good at anything.
Ravi looked down at Anitoli's corn flakes, then at the window, then back at Anitoli. "You know it's afternoon, right?"
"Fuck off."
They left for campus half an hour later, Anitoli having convinced Ravi that his best talent would be helping carry the safe he was going to crack. The sun pounded the tops of his eyelids all the way to Gilden Hall.
The line for entrants was longer than Anitoli had anticipated. It snaked around the building at least once, and it was god-knew-how-long already, in the dark recesses of the one-room Hall. Laughter, bright colors, happy faces--it was a smorgasbord of morons. And the talents on display were appalling. In the line near the door were a kid with a guitar, a cosplayer whose talent was apparently large boobs, a woman with a glue gun and a series of cardboard boxes, someone holding a case full of what appeared to be wasps, and a small group of Elvis impersonators.
Anitoli considered his options. He could simply cut the line, but that might get him hauled off by security. Security knew his face and most of his aliases, and wouldn't hesitate to block him from participating in the talent show if he caused any trouble. He could create a diversion, perhaps using the wasps or the glue gun. That course seemed most promising.
"Toli, what are you doing? You've got that look on your face again."
Anitoli ignored Ravi and moved purposefully toward the the wasps.
Dark blue uniforms out of fucking nowhere. Arms crossed, tasers at the ready in their right hands, the mirrored shades stared at Anitoli. "Whatever you're going to do, buddy, don't," said one of the blue uniforms. He had a slightly crooked front tooth, and it was suddenly all that Anitoli could look at.
"You're new," he said. "I'd recognize that tooth."
The man reddened and pressed his lips together so the tooth was no longer visible. The other one rolled his eyes. His name was Joe or John or something. Some generic American thing. "Yeah, yeah," he said. "Just try not to cause trouble. For once. Ok?"
"It's not that I cause trouble, John--"
"Joe."
"Whatever. It's not that I cause trouble, it's that I know what I want and I go after it."
"Ok, well don't do that, then."
A scream came from inside the Hall. Anitoli closed his mouth on what he'd been about to say, and looked expectantly at the security officers. Dumb bastards didn't move, just looked back.
Finally the one with the crooked tooth crumbled and took a step towards the door. The other one, John or whatever, grabbed at his arm. "Don't. It's some garbage he's cooked up to distract us."
Another scream, and this time Anitoli could make out words. "Oh Sweet Jesus, he's been sucked into the painting itself!" Anitoli looks at the security officers and shrugged. Still they hesitated.
Another shout. "My God, the colors are attacking!" The security officers looked at one another and ran into the Hall, straight into a stream of people going the other way. Glue gun bumped guitar bumped boobs bumped Elvis, and as Anitoli watched with great interest, the Elvis tripped over his own feet and ran headlong into the case of wasps.
A few minutes later, the Hall completely empty, only a few stings worse for wear, Anitoli and Ravi were setting up the safe on stage. There was no one to watch, but fuck it, he'd spent weeks practising for this shit and he was going to damn well do it.
And then Dyack came out of hiding, recruited Anitoli for a bank robbery mission that turned out to be an elaborate backstab because Dyack secretly wanted to take down some video game website and needed a fall guy for his plan to work, and Anitoli ended up getting stuck in the airless hell we found him in to begin with.
Fucking Dyack.
After the Battle ~ 2400 words
Usual password
Usual password
The entries:
Aaron - High Roller
Ward - Backlash (Your experience may vary)
multivac - Subterranean Homesick Blues
Tangent - Mud Sledding
Mike M - Some Origins Are Better Left Secret
Sober - And The World Keeps on Turning
Bootay - Mightier than the Sword
Ashes1396 - escape
Cyan - Challenge (Sort Of) Accepted
Nezumi - After the Battle
Aaron - High Roller
Ward - Backlash (Your experience may vary)
multivac - Subterranean Homesick Blues
Tangent - Mud Sledding
Mike M - Some Origins Are Better Left Secret
Sober - And The World Keeps on Turning
Bootay - Mightier than the Sword
Ashes1396 - escape
Cyan - Challenge (Sort Of) Accepted
Nezumi - After the Battle
Sorry that these get shorter as I go on, Ive got the baby sprawled on my lap and its making typing difficult
Aaron High Roller: This one reminded me of that episode of Animaniacs where all of Slappy Squirrels villains teamed up to take her out for good. Actually, that may have been every episode that featured Slappy Squirrel, my memorys a bit hazy Honestly while I liked the premise of this one (I dont know if you intended it as such, but this could be pretty successful as a screwball comedy), I couldnt help but feel like it was full of a bunch of little missteps that rubbed me the wrong way at times. The idea of a Vegas casino trying to be Bond themed while having disclaimers that it has nothing to do with James Bond, for instance. That seems befitting for some rinky-dink card room casino, but not Vegas, and especially not when the owner is portrayed as being successful. The protagonists thwarting of the assassination attempt being mentioned in passing was bizarre in its lack of relevance. The motivations of most of the bad guys arrayed against Leo were unclear at best. Just an accumulation of things that needed to be sharpened and refined for maximum effect.
Ward Backlash (Your experience may vary): Heh, I first saw this post on my phone, so I saw what you did there with the link : ) I think I get what you were going for here where everyone who reads the story and clicks a link is going to potentially have a different experience reading the story. Nice way to play with the format of posting on a message board. I get that the ending is supposed to be ambiguous where the reader projects what their choice would have been, but it was too abrupt to be quite what you were going for. And honestly, the conflict was pretty tame. Our implied options of what the protagonist is going to do is demand his $225 back from the owner of the theater, or let him get away with it. Which is precisely how it would play out in real life, but doesnt make for the most exciting story in the world. But not everything needs to be about escapism.
multivac Subterranean Homesick Blues: So how exactly does one shout in a whisper? Heh heh. Actually, that kind of encapsulates a lot of my thoughts on this one. How would three cryptologists with seemingly no combat training make it so far behind enemy lines with only one costume version of an enemy uniform between them? Why would the security at a nuclear launch facility be so piss poor? It was a series of stretches that kept snapping hard enough to really take me out of the moment. I think the story as you have envisioned it really needs a much longer word count allowance to write your way around how these things could have occurred in a more plausible fashion.
Tangent Mud Sledding: Is this a real thing that goes down in the Bay Area in the absence of snow? Or is it just the dumb idea of some kids? Because what happened was the foreseeable outcome from the start, and I would imagine if this was a real thing itd probably happen a lot, but kids can be pretty stupid. Heh heh. Emmanuels argument for getting to go first was total bullshit, it was Hans sled, Han should have gone first. I mean, its a good thing that he didnt, but still. His sled, damn it!
Mike M Some Origins Are Better Left Secret: Im usually incredibly hesitant to wax rhapsodic about anything I ever do, because nothing I do ever lives up to the vision. That said, I gotta say that I really like these characters in my head, and they mostly made the transition intact. But like other things Ive written, its far from territory that hasnt already been well tread by the likes of Kick Ass and probably some others that I just cant think of right away. I feel like theres a better story to be had in this that got eaten by the word count monster though. Spent a lot on the dialog and didnt have enough for anything but the most vanilla of descriptions and actions. They seem pretty suitable for episodic encounters, so I may return to them if a fitting theme comes along again. Kinda want to write a novel about these guys actually solving a legitimate mystery, but man do I not know anything about writing mysteries.
Sober And The World Keeps on Turning: Arnold went from potential recipient of sympathy for the plight of millennials to living exemplar of a forum poster to just a total fucking asshole for no reason in no time flat. Fucker deserves every ounce of misery in his life, as hes apparently making it all himself. And boy I really hope after saying that that this isnt something autobiographical. Heh heh. The nuts and bolts were solid enough, but as a big picture I dont think this really went anywhere. Maybe a bit too much slice of life-y being posted on a forum full of people who either could act as stand-ins for the main character or know a dozen possible casting choices.
Bootaaay Mightier than the Sword: The mention of a Kalashnikov clearly roots this in something approximating the real world, which makes the fact that none of the state actors are named a bit of a distraction. Very nice use of imagery though, quite haunting.
Ashes1396 escape: What a bizarre and surreal situation and subsequent conversation. There were a couple UK-to-US hiccups in my reading, but thats on me (most notably it took me a while to realize the torch in question was not a flaming stick). Are mobile phones actually called sat phones across the pond? Ive always associated that with a phone that actually communicates with a satellite instead of the mobile network antenna, the idea being that you get coverage anywhere. That made the question about whether they could get signal a little odd, but again maybe this is just a UK thing I havent encountered.
Cyan Challenge (Sort Of) Accepted: Wherere the nosy kids and their dog?
Nezumi After the Battle: Ah, it sucks that the evil mastermind got his comeuppance. And he seemed to be making such great strides towards improving his tactics, what with actually training his minions and reinforcing them with skeletons I like these guys, you can definitely take them and the premise of the minions of a Sauron wannabe questioning the wisdom of their orders places. This one was better than their debut performance, it was just all around cute.
My picks this round:
1. Nezumi
2. Bootaaay
3. Ashes1396
Aaron High Roller: This one reminded me of that episode of Animaniacs where all of Slappy Squirrels villains teamed up to take her out for good. Actually, that may have been every episode that featured Slappy Squirrel, my memorys a bit hazy Honestly while I liked the premise of this one (I dont know if you intended it as such, but this could be pretty successful as a screwball comedy), I couldnt help but feel like it was full of a bunch of little missteps that rubbed me the wrong way at times. The idea of a Vegas casino trying to be Bond themed while having disclaimers that it has nothing to do with James Bond, for instance. That seems befitting for some rinky-dink card room casino, but not Vegas, and especially not when the owner is portrayed as being successful. The protagonists thwarting of the assassination attempt being mentioned in passing was bizarre in its lack of relevance. The motivations of most of the bad guys arrayed against Leo were unclear at best. Just an accumulation of things that needed to be sharpened and refined for maximum effect.
Ward Backlash (Your experience may vary): Heh, I first saw this post on my phone, so I saw what you did there with the link : ) I think I get what you were going for here where everyone who reads the story and clicks a link is going to potentially have a different experience reading the story. Nice way to play with the format of posting on a message board. I get that the ending is supposed to be ambiguous where the reader projects what their choice would have been, but it was too abrupt to be quite what you were going for. And honestly, the conflict was pretty tame. Our implied options of what the protagonist is going to do is demand his $225 back from the owner of the theater, or let him get away with it. Which is precisely how it would play out in real life, but doesnt make for the most exciting story in the world. But not everything needs to be about escapism.
multivac Subterranean Homesick Blues: So how exactly does one shout in a whisper? Heh heh. Actually, that kind of encapsulates a lot of my thoughts on this one. How would three cryptologists with seemingly no combat training make it so far behind enemy lines with only one costume version of an enemy uniform between them? Why would the security at a nuclear launch facility be so piss poor? It was a series of stretches that kept snapping hard enough to really take me out of the moment. I think the story as you have envisioned it really needs a much longer word count allowance to write your way around how these things could have occurred in a more plausible fashion.
Tangent Mud Sledding: Is this a real thing that goes down in the Bay Area in the absence of snow? Or is it just the dumb idea of some kids? Because what happened was the foreseeable outcome from the start, and I would imagine if this was a real thing itd probably happen a lot, but kids can be pretty stupid. Heh heh. Emmanuels argument for getting to go first was total bullshit, it was Hans sled, Han should have gone first. I mean, its a good thing that he didnt, but still. His sled, damn it!
Mike M Some Origins Are Better Left Secret: Im usually incredibly hesitant to wax rhapsodic about anything I ever do, because nothing I do ever lives up to the vision. That said, I gotta say that I really like these characters in my head, and they mostly made the transition intact. But like other things Ive written, its far from territory that hasnt already been well tread by the likes of Kick Ass and probably some others that I just cant think of right away. I feel like theres a better story to be had in this that got eaten by the word count monster though. Spent a lot on the dialog and didnt have enough for anything but the most vanilla of descriptions and actions. They seem pretty suitable for episodic encounters, so I may return to them if a fitting theme comes along again. Kinda want to write a novel about these guys actually solving a legitimate mystery, but man do I not know anything about writing mysteries.
Sober And The World Keeps on Turning: Arnold went from potential recipient of sympathy for the plight of millennials to living exemplar of a forum poster to just a total fucking asshole for no reason in no time flat. Fucker deserves every ounce of misery in his life, as hes apparently making it all himself. And boy I really hope after saying that that this isnt something autobiographical. Heh heh. The nuts and bolts were solid enough, but as a big picture I dont think this really went anywhere. Maybe a bit too much slice of life-y being posted on a forum full of people who either could act as stand-ins for the main character or know a dozen possible casting choices.
Bootaaay Mightier than the Sword: The mention of a Kalashnikov clearly roots this in something approximating the real world, which makes the fact that none of the state actors are named a bit of a distraction. Very nice use of imagery though, quite haunting.
Ashes1396 escape: What a bizarre and surreal situation and subsequent conversation. There were a couple UK-to-US hiccups in my reading, but thats on me (most notably it took me a while to realize the torch in question was not a flaming stick). Are mobile phones actually called sat phones across the pond? Ive always associated that with a phone that actually communicates with a satellite instead of the mobile network antenna, the idea being that you get coverage anywhere. That made the question about whether they could get signal a little odd, but again maybe this is just a UK thing I havent encountered.
Cyan Challenge (Sort Of) Accepted: Wherere the nosy kids and their dog?
Nezumi After the Battle: Ah, it sucks that the evil mastermind got his comeuppance. And he seemed to be making such great strides towards improving his tactics, what with actually training his minions and reinforcing them with skeletons I like these guys, you can definitely take them and the premise of the minions of a Sauron wannabe questioning the wisdom of their orders places. This one was better than their debut performance, it was just all around cute.
My picks this round:
1. Nezumi
2. Bootaaay
3. Ashes1396
Here we go:
Aaron – High Roller:
For me the whole thing was a bit too jumpy. I had to read a lot of passages over and over and still had trouble understanding what was going on. The motives of the protagonists weren't really clear and and I thought it was somewhat irritating that they all knew each other but insist on wearing masks in te chat. Really confusing. But I liked the overly twisted ending.
Ward – Backlash (Your experience may vary):
The idea with the music link to create a different experience is really creative. That being said I'm not really sure if this particular piece gained anything from it. I personnaly found my track to be somewhat misplaced because it was really slow and serene and totally clashed with my reading pace. And while the story was all in all well written I didn't really go anywhere.
multivac – Subterranean Homesick Blues:
Pretty sure the word count was your enemy here. There were just to many things that I think needed explaining. Because of that it was a bit hard to follow.
Tangent – Mud Sledding:
A nicely written, slightly tragic slice of life story. Two things that bothered me a little were
1.) Why do they film it when they want to make a stop motion movie. Shouldn't they just take a series of pictures then?
2.)A fouth grader saying something like "Hey man it's no big deal". I don't know why but in my head phrases like that somehow made the kids older than they were supposed to be. Then again what do I know how fourth graders in the U.S. talk.
Mike M – Some Origins Are Better Left Secret:
Damn you for making me crave curley fries when I'm on a diet
I really liked that story. Sure the premise isn't the most original but you executed it really well. Batman as a verb had me actually laughing out loud, which is always a good thing. One might argue that the whole cape joke might be getting a bit old and you drifted a bit into slapstick there in the end. I'm not that one because cheesy as it was it made me smile and I do enjoy slapstick.
Sober – And The World Keeps on Turning:
Boy what an ass. It's been a while since reading about a character actually made me want to slap him. Might be that a lot of his opinions reminded me of my mother (who I'm not on speaking terms with at the moment) so maybe it hit a bit close to home.
Bootaaay – Mightier than the Sword:
Have I told you that I really love your use of imagery? The problem I had with the story though was that I can't get it in my head why anyone would think it a good or noble idea to nuke themself and a lot of their subjects just to prove a point.
Ashes1396 – escape:
Liked the absurdity and surrealism of it. I was a bit confused there near the ending as to what actually happend to the girl. Through out the story I thought she ran from the wedding but her family being all happy and not botherd at all made it seem more like she ran off a day before or so?
Cyan – Challenge (Sort Of) Accepted:
Hahahaha! When I saw the different sugestions I already wondered if you would just throw them all together. Can't believe you actually did that though. But I also missed the dog The ending felt a bit rushed, sadly.
So... time to vote, I guess.
1.)Mike M
2.)Ashes1396
3.)Bootaaay
HM: Tangent, Cyan
Aaron – High Roller:
For me the whole thing was a bit too jumpy. I had to read a lot of passages over and over and still had trouble understanding what was going on. The motives of the protagonists weren't really clear and and I thought it was somewhat irritating that they all knew each other but insist on wearing masks in te chat. Really confusing. But I liked the overly twisted ending.
Ward – Backlash (Your experience may vary):
The idea with the music link to create a different experience is really creative. That being said I'm not really sure if this particular piece gained anything from it. I personnaly found my track to be somewhat misplaced because it was really slow and serene and totally clashed with my reading pace. And while the story was all in all well written I didn't really go anywhere.
multivac – Subterranean Homesick Blues:
Pretty sure the word count was your enemy here. There were just to many things that I think needed explaining. Because of that it was a bit hard to follow.
Tangent – Mud Sledding:
A nicely written, slightly tragic slice of life story. Two things that bothered me a little were
1.) Why do they film it when they want to make a stop motion movie. Shouldn't they just take a series of pictures then?
2.)A fouth grader saying something like "Hey man it's no big deal". I don't know why but in my head phrases like that somehow made the kids older than they were supposed to be. Then again what do I know how fourth graders in the U.S. talk.
Mike M – Some Origins Are Better Left Secret:
Damn you for making me crave curley fries when I'm on a diet
I really liked that story. Sure the premise isn't the most original but you executed it really well. Batman as a verb had me actually laughing out loud, which is always a good thing. One might argue that the whole cape joke might be getting a bit old and you drifted a bit into slapstick there in the end. I'm not that one because cheesy as it was it made me smile and I do enjoy slapstick.Sober – And The World Keeps on Turning:
Boy what an ass. It's been a while since reading about a character actually made me want to slap him. Might be that a lot of his opinions reminded me of my mother (who I'm not on speaking terms with at the moment) so maybe it hit a bit close to home.
Bootaaay – Mightier than the Sword:
Have I told you that I really love your use of imagery? The problem I had with the story though was that I can't get it in my head why anyone would think it a good or noble idea to nuke themself and a lot of their subjects just to prove a point.
Ashes1396 – escape:
Liked the absurdity and surrealism of it. I was a bit confused there near the ending as to what actually happend to the girl. Through out the story I thought she ran from the wedding but her family being all happy and not botherd at all made it seem more like she ran off a day before or so?
Cyan – Challenge (Sort Of) Accepted:
Hahahaha! When I saw the different sugestions I already wondered if you would just throw them all together. Can't believe you actually did that though. But I also missed the dog
The ending felt a bit rushed, sadly.So... time to vote, I guess.
1.)Mike M
2.)Ashes1396
3.)Bootaaay
HM: Tangent, Cyan
Votes:
1- Nezumi
2- Bootaaay
3- Ashes1396
Comments:
Ward - It takes too long to get to where something might happen, and ends before anything does. I don't feel like I know enough about the main character to carry me through, and make me care by the end.
multivac - The story is really lacking context. You can play with that and let it be a mystery, but after a while it just becomes too vague to have characters I don't know with no real characteristics, talking about events with no countries or conflicts explained.
Tangent - The kids arguing goes on to long for something that doesn't go anywhere interesting, and to not have what happened to the kid actually happen in the story feels like a letdown. I didn't need graphic detail, but the detail you do give is so vague that I can't tell if the other boy is overreacting or not.
Mike M - There was a lot of conversation to establish a premise that's been done elsewhere, and not the right kind of detail for me to be interested in these two specific characters. Having these two wannabe heroes sitting around talking for most of the story just isn't that compelling.
Sober - This is why I accept every facebook friend request, and never ever read anything they post. Also I think Arnie's friends are all assholes.
Bootaaay - 'smelt' is for metal and fish. 'smelled' is what you want here. Good story otherwise. I liked the bits where things exploded.
Ashes1396 - While the characters and conversations are interesting, there's something off about the way the main character speaks. Like her words have been leeched of personality and emotion to leave behind a rye attitude that's not that compelling.
Cyan - I think if you would have cut out one of the inspirations, any one really, you could have had a compelling story here. As it is, too many ideas without enough simmering.
Nezumi - I'm glad your title is a lie, because you paint a compelling battle that sweeps into the aftermath to give it the sort of weight and interest it needed. I felt the dialogue ran a little long, but that's just me. I'm impatient. I would have really liked an ending narrative paragraph where this group basically walks off into the sunset, since you really hit the secondary objective for unique and interesting characters to make an amusing team.
1- Nezumi
2- Bootaaay
3- Ashes1396
Comments:
Ward - It takes too long to get to where something might happen, and ends before anything does. I don't feel like I know enough about the main character to carry me through, and make me care by the end.
multivac - The story is really lacking context. You can play with that and let it be a mystery, but after a while it just becomes too vague to have characters I don't know with no real characteristics, talking about events with no countries or conflicts explained.
Tangent - The kids arguing goes on to long for something that doesn't go anywhere interesting, and to not have what happened to the kid actually happen in the story feels like a letdown. I didn't need graphic detail, but the detail you do give is so vague that I can't tell if the other boy is overreacting or not.
Mike M - There was a lot of conversation to establish a premise that's been done elsewhere, and not the right kind of detail for me to be interested in these two specific characters. Having these two wannabe heroes sitting around talking for most of the story just isn't that compelling.
Sober - This is why I accept every facebook friend request, and never ever read anything they post. Also I think Arnie's friends are all assholes.
Bootaaay - 'smelt' is for metal and fish. 'smelled' is what you want here. Good story otherwise. I liked the bits where things exploded.
Ashes1396 - While the characters and conversations are interesting, there's something off about the way the main character speaks. Like her words have been leeched of personality and emotion to leave behind a rye attitude that's not that compelling.
Cyan - I think if you would have cut out one of the inspirations, any one really, you could have had a compelling story here. As it is, too many ideas without enough simmering.
Nezumi - I'm glad your title is a lie, because you paint a compelling battle that sweeps into the aftermath to give it the sort of weight and interest it needed. I felt the dialogue ran a little long, but that's just me. I'm impatient. I would have really liked an ending narrative paragraph where this group basically walks off into the sunset, since you really hit the secondary objective for unique and interesting characters to make an amusing team.
But it's raining outside...
Aaron - Always really like how you set the scene, really good descriptions. Definitely enjoyed the chatroom part at the start the most and the first twist was great but the very end was a little jarring and out of nowhere. Not really sure how it arrived there even after a couple re-reads.
Ward - Interesting concept with the variety of music in that link, though I don't think I'm one to be affected by what I'm reading and listening to at the same time, well maybe except for associating that song with it. Okay, so maybe it worked, but it didn't really affect me in the way you were hoping with that open ending, I'm guessing.
multivac - Seemed like you were going for a bit of world building, but not much in way of details, which is important even if it strips your word count as long as you can use that to give it some value. Other than at the end with Meredith, there wasn't much to differentiate the three characters or even Anton from anyone else.
Tangent - The ending was a little vague on what actually happened. I was hoping for details since there wasn't any reason for there not to be in regards to the POV it was written in. I guess these kids couldn't wait for winter to roll around, eh?
Mike M - I did like the cape gag and the actual meat of the story with the encounter though I wish more time was spent maybe less on dialogue or it might've been interesting to write if this wasn't their first foray/night into amateur crimefighting.
Bootaaay - That was very some very effective imagery and good minimal use of words. Not to say you couldn't have written a good speech to match the story but that wasn't the point.
Ashes - I thought the family on the phone having a bit of a riot was a little weird though I guess the setup was as well, so it wasn't too much out of place.
Cyan - ... fucking Dyack
Nezumi - I would definitely want to read more stories of these guys having some wacky adventures. (I guess this wasn't their debut and I missed reading a few other challenges so maybe I'll get on that)
Votes
1) Nezumi
2) Bootaaay
3) Mike M
Ward - Interesting concept with the variety of music in that link, though I don't think I'm one to be affected by what I'm reading and listening to at the same time, well maybe except for associating that song with it. Okay, so maybe it worked, but it didn't really affect me in the way you were hoping with that open ending, I'm guessing.
multivac - Seemed like you were going for a bit of world building, but not much in way of details, which is important even if it strips your word count as long as you can use that to give it some value. Other than at the end with Meredith, there wasn't much to differentiate the three characters or even Anton from anyone else.
Tangent - The ending was a little vague on what actually happened. I was hoping for details since there wasn't any reason for there not to be in regards to the POV it was written in. I guess these kids couldn't wait for winter to roll around, eh?
Mike M - I did like the cape gag and the actual meat of the story with the encounter though I wish more time was spent maybe less on dialogue or it might've been interesting to write if this wasn't their first foray/night into amateur crimefighting.
Bootaaay - That was very some very effective imagery and good minimal use of words. Not to say you couldn't have written a good speech to match the story but that wasn't the point.
Ashes - I thought the family on the phone having a bit of a riot was a little weird though I guess the setup was as well, so it wasn't too much out of place.
Cyan - ... fucking Dyack
Nezumi - I would definitely want to read more stories of these guys having some wacky adventures. (I guess this wasn't their debut and I missed reading a few other challenges so maybe I'll get on that)
Votes
1) Nezumi
2) Bootaaay
3) Mike M
British Monsoon
Member
We run a tight ship nowadays, I see. Congrats Nezumi
I'll try and leave some comments once I've finished reading the entries.
I'll try and leave some comments once I've finished reading the entries.
Honestly, I think there should be one more day for reading and voting, but I'm not bold enough to go against the grain. Also I fear splinters.We run a tight ship nowadays, I see. Congrats Nezumi
I'll try and leave some comments once I've finished reading the entries.
Boy, that's some strict deadline enforcement here.
Anyway, thanks a lot everyone. I'll put the next thread up in a few hours. Have a couple of ideas but not sure yet which will work best.
New thread is up everybody!
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