Nonsense, Farce and Silliness (2000 words)
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #121 - "Random"
- Thread starter Nezumi
- Start date
- Status
CharminUltra
Member
Damn, never found the time to work on this 
I will uh participate next time for... sure... um, er, promise...? Maybe.
I will uh participate next time for... sure... um, er, promise...? Maybe.
Memitimhttps://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/45588792/Memitim.pdf 1,806 words, usual password.
I've been sick and sleep deprived all week, so suck it : P
I've been sick and sleep deprived all week, so suck it : P
Mike Works
Member
The Horse, The Worm, and the Sloth
password: (same as the others in this thread)
word count: 1993
edit: Couldn't get the password to function on a PDF when I first posted it so I had to post it as a DOC file. The PDF is up and working now.
password: (same as the others in this thread)
word count: 1993
edit: Couldn't get the password to function on a PDF when I first posted it so I had to post it as a DOC file. The PDF is up and working now.
Elf in a stone
Word count: 1466
password:
This was the wikipedia article I got at random: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elphinstone,_East_Lothian
I really should try harder to make more time for this, I need to sit down and make a proper draft and do edits. Oh well, at least I did submitted something this time.
Word count: 1466
password:
neogaf
This was the wikipedia article I got at random: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elphinstone,_East_Lothian
I really should try harder to make more time for this, I need to sit down and make a proper draft and do edits. Oh well, at least I did submitted something this time.
The Article I found is about the french division 1 , 77-78.Won by As Monaco.
My short story about this:
What a crazy season it was.I remember going to France.To see As Monaco play Paris Saint Germain in 1977!! I Had my french girlfriend by my side.I promised her that we would see Roland Bianchi play.I remember how Claudette cheered when Bianchi made the first goal.Some french Monaco fans didnt mind it.Claudette was pretty and they were flirting with her.30 minutes later Delio Onnis scored the equalizer.The whole stadium was in exictement.Would it be enough to become Le Champion?Only 6 minutes later we heard that Nantes had lost 2-0 at Marseille.We were the champion!!I kissed Claudette for like 5 minutes.Everyone was cheering at us.The stadium was singing 'merci boubacar' tu as un garcon jolie'' . After that Claudette and I got married.Bianchi was the league topscored but PSG ended at 11th place
VIVA LA FRANCE
My short story about this:
What a crazy season it was.I remember going to France.To see As Monaco play Paris Saint Germain in 1977!! I Had my french girlfriend by my side.I promised her that we would see Roland Bianchi play.I remember how Claudette cheered when Bianchi made the first goal.Some french Monaco fans didnt mind it.Claudette was pretty and they were flirting with her.30 minutes later Delio Onnis scored the equalizer.The whole stadium was in exictement.Would it be enough to become Le Champion?Only 6 minutes later we heard that Nantes had lost 2-0 at Marseille.We were the champion!!I kissed Claudette for like 5 minutes.Everyone was cheering at us.The stadium was singing 'merci boubacar' tu as un garcon jolie'' . After that Claudette and I got married.Bianchi was the league topscored but PSG ended at 11th place
VIVA LA FRANCE
Stand Divided (1555)
Disclaimer:
Disclaimer:
I'm sure Amangeldy Muraliyev was a standup guy. The views herein are not necessarily entirely historically accurate. The dude's not notable enough to have much of anything easily researchable, so I took some liberties.
The entries:
Aaron - A Dicey Job
Chainsawkitten - Revolution
GRW810 - Nonsense, Farce and Silliness
multivac - Acts of Kindness
Mike M - Memitim
Mike Works - The Horse, The Worm and the Sloth
FairyD - Elf in a Stone
WriterGK - untitled
Tangent - Temporary Coolness
Ashes1396 - Souls Apart
Nezumi - Survivors
Cyan - Stand Divided
Aaron - A Dicey Job
Chainsawkitten - Revolution
GRW810 - Nonsense, Farce and Silliness
multivac - Acts of Kindness
Mike M - Memitim
Mike Works - The Horse, The Worm and the Sloth
FairyD - Elf in a Stone
WriterGK - untitled
Tangent - Temporary Coolness
Ashes1396 - Souls Apart
Nezumi - Survivors
Cyan - Stand Divided
Votes:
1- Mike M
2- GRW810
3- Mike Works
Comments:
Chainsawkitten - It starts very promising, but the ending is so vague that it flattens the whole piece. Instead of being vague, I would rather the writer go into cold and clinical detail on the acts of violence performed... if violence even happened. I'm not completely sure.
GRW810 - Great use of the concepts, taking a trip with charming characters. I would have liked more on the funeral though, using it as something to tie things more together. Like Jeff should have brought tokens of all the things he spent the money on to show his nan how he properly spent the money.
multivac - Pretty weak on the 'random,' especially when the main character disproves it minutes later. It's a fine story, but overall it felt a little thin. It stops before the bit that would have the most interesting character interaction.
Mike M - You do a great job of leading the reader along, drawing them deeper into this business, but then the ending just fizzles. I was hoping for a crescendo, but it's a whisper.
Mike Works - The writing has a great intensity, but the 'nothing like you' refrain comes up a little too much. I also thought it didn't need the framing story, since that only makes it come off as heavy-handed.
FairyD - It's a pleasant story, but I feel it needed to commit to the elf metaphor just a hair more. There was also an odd repetition where certain things were repeated in different forms several times in a row. Fine if there was a point to it, like an old woman's failing memory, but that doesn't come across.
WriterGK - Even though short, this was very nice. It captures the spirit of the moment, but I think mentioning the marriage at the end throws it off a little.
Tangent - There's great stuff in the middle, but the build up is slow going, and it doesn't so much end as it stops. I wanted a little more interaction between the narrator and Trina.
Ashes1396 - I'm usually not surprised, but you set up everything so well in a way that didn't feel cheap. I wish the beginning portion of the story had a little more energy, and the end had a little more clarity because I was a bit fuzzy there and context would help me nail it down.
Nezumi - It starts poorly, which is a shame because it picks up pretty soon after. I think starting with the rescue ship, a description of it from the perspective of these men needing rescue would paint a mysterious picture. Then you end before getting to the good stuff.
Cyan - Strange I've heard of Kyrgyzstan. Must have been in one of many documentaries. I think you include a lot of detail here and human characteristics, but I find myself wondering if the people of the region really would talk like that, obviously in their own tongue. It's also very talky. The more interesting story would the attempted murder, and how that goes. There's tension in if he goes through with it, and drama in how the act affects him, which the dialogue only hints at.
1- Mike M
2- GRW810
3- Mike Works
Comments:
Chainsawkitten - It starts very promising, but the ending is so vague that it flattens the whole piece. Instead of being vague, I would rather the writer go into cold and clinical detail on the acts of violence performed... if violence even happened. I'm not completely sure.
GRW810 - Great use of the concepts, taking a trip with charming characters. I would have liked more on the funeral though, using it as something to tie things more together. Like Jeff should have brought tokens of all the things he spent the money on to show his nan how he properly spent the money.
multivac - Pretty weak on the 'random,' especially when the main character disproves it minutes later. It's a fine story, but overall it felt a little thin. It stops before the bit that would have the most interesting character interaction.
Mike M - You do a great job of leading the reader along, drawing them deeper into this business, but then the ending just fizzles. I was hoping for a crescendo, but it's a whisper.
Mike Works - The writing has a great intensity, but the 'nothing like you' refrain comes up a little too much. I also thought it didn't need the framing story, since that only makes it come off as heavy-handed.
FairyD - It's a pleasant story, but I feel it needed to commit to the elf metaphor just a hair more. There was also an odd repetition where certain things were repeated in different forms several times in a row. Fine if there was a point to it, like an old woman's failing memory, but that doesn't come across.
WriterGK - Even though short, this was very nice. It captures the spirit of the moment, but I think mentioning the marriage at the end throws it off a little.
Tangent - There's great stuff in the middle, but the build up is slow going, and it doesn't so much end as it stops. I wanted a little more interaction between the narrator and Trina.
Ashes1396 - I'm usually not surprised, but you set up everything so well in a way that didn't feel cheap. I wish the beginning portion of the story had a little more energy, and the end had a little more clarity because I was a bit fuzzy there and context would help me nail it down.
Nezumi - It starts poorly, which is a shame because it picks up pretty soon after. I think starting with the rescue ship, a description of it from the perspective of these men needing rescue would paint a mysterious picture. Then you end before getting to the good stuff.
Cyan - Strange I've heard of Kyrgyzstan. Must have been in one of many documentaries. I think you include a lot of detail here and human characteristics, but I find myself wondering if the people of the region really would talk like that, obviously in their own tongue. It's also very talky. The more interesting story would the attempted murder, and how that goes. There's tension in if he goes through with it, and drama in how the act affects him, which the dialogue only hints at.
Damn, never found the time to work on this
I will uh participate next time for... sure... um, er, promise...? Maybe.
I feel the same lol
Yeah, I realized towards the end that I didn't really have an exit strategy in mind when I formulated the rest, so that was the best I came up with. I appreciate the vote regardless.
Because I always have time for feedback
:
Aaron A Dicey Job: Love the dice gimmick. Love it. I got a Greek shipping magnate/former car thief in Atlanta meeting his WW2 Belgian resistance fighter contact who drives an ice cream truck on PlayStation Home, getting roped into stealing the mind control surround sound hidden in the sarcophagus guarded by guys playing dice who get blasted with boiling water. But it got jacked by the former partner who had supposedly died in an explosion in a seafood restaurant, threatening them with a grenade. Then he got taken out by a polar bear out of nowhere. Then Jessica slapped Sam and he got it on with what must at least be an octogenarian. The writing was fairly plain and unadorned, but given the quick, Mad-Lib pacing and style, anything more would have probably overstayed its welcome. There were a few rough edges (First he had to meet his contact at in PlayStation Home), but given the various constraints it was made under, there was nothing I couldnt see my way past.
Chainsawkitten Revolution: I get the impression that this is supposed to be the manifesto of bullied high school kids, and while I have admittedly not read a great number of such documents, it seemed less a manifesto and more a piece on how they were trying to make a manifesto. The actual manifesto-y part was only a summation of what someone else said) was brief, and was immediately followed by descriptions of actions that did not seem in keeping with their own logic. Because they hold a school to be complicit in suicide as a result of bullying, they bomb the school and kill a bunch of people who are neither their targets nor in a position to prevent bullying? Or maybe its just shit rationale from faux-intellectual kids, as on the whole they dont seem as smart as they like to think they are (mentioning their names, discussing how they did it, thinking that theyre going to put it online and have their manifesto will serve as a rallying point for other bullied kids.). Wish I knew if that was actually the intent or not.
GRW810 Nonsense, Farce and Silliness: A guy who wears mismatched socks on his hands isnt attention-seeking? Really? Really? This one felt kind of scattershot to me. I liked the numbering system of the sections, and some of the deadpan responses were amusing, but then theres stuff like juggling cherry pies that felt a bit over the edge into strained attempts at nonsense for the sake of nonsense. Thankfully it leveled out relatively quickly, but ironically that just makes the stuff earlier on stand out all the more. I think you should have probably ended it on the joke about the actual amount that was left to the guy (or move it until after the part about the funeral), that was a stronger closer than the gag about the moldy pie. Not sure if the formatting was a result of the site you used to upload/host it on screwing it up, if it was something that only looked wrong because I was using a mobile device, or if it was some sort of metajoke about randomness, but it was awful and I hated it : (
MultivacActs of Kindness: I did like that the situation that the narrator winds up in is messy with no real solution, and then in his attempts to try and help out, things get even more messy. Ending it the way you did simultaneously seems like a cop-out to avoid having to write that exchange, but at the same time I recognize that itd be damned difficult to write and not sound corny as all hell, and its not really something worth doing unless the story was going to continue on for far longer than what we had here. I mostly just feel bad for almost everyone involved. The part about Sheila witnessing all this and then nonchalantly asking the narrator to fill out a customer satisfaction survey for a chance to win money made me crack a smile though. Sheilas apparently seen some shit.
Mike M Memitim: Alright, so I got Maxwells Silver Hammer as my random article, which is a song about a guy who kills people with a silver hammer. I wasnt feeling that much, so I ended up doing my research stuff on silver hammers and personifications of death, and wound up with a story about a destroyer angel comparing himself to a papal hammer in a world that God has vacated. I fudged the details a bit (therere multiple papal hammers and they serve a few ceremonial purposes outside of smashing the previous popes signet ring), the concept of God abandoning creation is far from new, and I wrote it in second person because of reasons. Not a particularly great example of either objective given this time around, too much experimentation for its own good.
Mike Works The Horse, the Worm, and the Sloth: I believe this is the first thing of yours Ive read since I started participating? Theres only room in this thread for one Mike, pal and its clearly you. Shit like this makes me question why I even bother to try.
FairyD Elf in a stone: Yeah, probably could have stood to have an editing pass or two. The explanation about the difficulties of child birth and kidney disease really stood out as being particularly repetitive and clunky. Overall, I think you did a solid job for the hand you were dealt in this one. Agnes dialog was befitting a batty old woman and was a nice delivery vehicle for the mythology about the town. The whole thing read like the start of something longer though. As a standalone story, it seems little more than a conversation in a pharmacy between two bored people to deliver the information contained in the Wikipedia article. I will grant that its a more entertaining format, but theres not much of an actual *story* in there, know what I mean?
WriterGK Untitled: Wow, thats a pretty ultra specific Wikipedia article, isnt it? I honestly probably wouldnt have done much better if Id wound up with that one. Id also probably just have clicked Random again until I found something better ; )
Tangent Temporary Coolness: Heh, nice way of working your random subject into the story with the entomologist angle. That said, what youve got here seems to be a first act with vestigial second and third act. You spend the majority of the time explaining the social angle and how the protagonist won the acclaim of her peers, then just kind of breeze through what being temporarily cool entailed, then even less time on how she blew it. Theres no resolution to be had, it just ends abruptly at the revelation that the popular girl had apparently been living in a derelict house with no depiction of the fallout that throwing rotten fruit at her home would have had. It just seems like there needs to be more to this story.
Ashes1396Souls Apart: Well that certainly didnt go anywhere that I expected from the outset. Interesting take on the same event from two different perspectives, complete with two different narrative styles to express them. I was a little taken aback at how a story about a kid looking to emulate Sherlock Holmes and solve the mystery of who broke his bonsai tree takes an abrupt change into a story about an attempted suicide and stays there for the remainder of the piece, but I think you nailed the narrative styles of little kids with short declarative sentences and that of angst-ridden teenagers with their angst ridden ness
NezumiSurvivors: Mother fucking ghost ship, hell yeah! I think I may have mentioned I love all things ghosts in the past, but it bears repeating, I love all things ghost. I think you have a fairly decent set up here for something creeptacular, but you would need it to be longer to flesh it all out. You were in kind of a rush to get everyone on the ship, and then it ends just when it starts to get good, but the description of a derelict ship that is in no way seaworthy somehow staying afloat and running on its own power while their life raft mysteriously vanishes is a good setup. Just needs more to establish some malevolency before people start screaming/dying, especially if we never get to find out what happened. The whole premise can be expanded on considerably.
Cyan Stand Divided: Well written and researched, but a bit too dry. All talk and planning of revolution/assassination, but they never actually get there. I think I would have at least liked to have seen the outcome of their attempts. Seems like this was pinning its hopes on generating interest in the relatively unknown region and culture in which the characters live, but I dont think a clear enough picture was painted for me to really care that deeply about them or their plight, or if it even was something Id consider a proper plight.
Picks:
1: Mike Works
2: Aaron
3: Nezumi
it just takes me a few days to pull it all together.
Aaron A Dicey Job: Love the dice gimmick. Love it. I got a Greek shipping magnate/former car thief in Atlanta meeting his WW2 Belgian resistance fighter contact who drives an ice cream truck on PlayStation Home, getting roped into stealing the mind control surround sound hidden in the sarcophagus guarded by guys playing dice who get blasted with boiling water. But it got jacked by the former partner who had supposedly died in an explosion in a seafood restaurant, threatening them with a grenade. Then he got taken out by a polar bear out of nowhere. Then Jessica slapped Sam and he got it on with what must at least be an octogenarian. The writing was fairly plain and unadorned, but given the quick, Mad-Lib pacing and style, anything more would have probably overstayed its welcome. There were a few rough edges (First he had to meet his contact at in PlayStation Home), but given the various constraints it was made under, there was nothing I couldnt see my way past.
Chainsawkitten Revolution: I get the impression that this is supposed to be the manifesto of bullied high school kids, and while I have admittedly not read a great number of such documents, it seemed less a manifesto and more a piece on how they were trying to make a manifesto. The actual manifesto-y part was only a summation of what someone else said) was brief, and was immediately followed by descriptions of actions that did not seem in keeping with their own logic. Because they hold a school to be complicit in suicide as a result of bullying, they bomb the school and kill a bunch of people who are neither their targets nor in a position to prevent bullying? Or maybe its just shit rationale from faux-intellectual kids, as on the whole they dont seem as smart as they like to think they are (mentioning their names, discussing how they did it, thinking that theyre going to put it online and have their manifesto will serve as a rallying point for other bullied kids.). Wish I knew if that was actually the intent or not.
GRW810 Nonsense, Farce and Silliness: A guy who wears mismatched socks on his hands isnt attention-seeking? Really? Really? This one felt kind of scattershot to me. I liked the numbering system of the sections, and some of the deadpan responses were amusing, but then theres stuff like juggling cherry pies that felt a bit over the edge into strained attempts at nonsense for the sake of nonsense. Thankfully it leveled out relatively quickly, but ironically that just makes the stuff earlier on stand out all the more. I think you should have probably ended it on the joke about the actual amount that was left to the guy (or move it until after the part about the funeral), that was a stronger closer than the gag about the moldy pie. Not sure if the formatting was a result of the site you used to upload/host it on screwing it up, if it was something that only looked wrong because I was using a mobile device, or if it was some sort of metajoke about randomness, but it was awful and I hated it : (
MultivacActs of Kindness: I did like that the situation that the narrator winds up in is messy with no real solution, and then in his attempts to try and help out, things get even more messy. Ending it the way you did simultaneously seems like a cop-out to avoid having to write that exchange, but at the same time I recognize that itd be damned difficult to write and not sound corny as all hell, and its not really something worth doing unless the story was going to continue on for far longer than what we had here. I mostly just feel bad for almost everyone involved. The part about Sheila witnessing all this and then nonchalantly asking the narrator to fill out a customer satisfaction survey for a chance to win money made me crack a smile though. Sheilas apparently seen some shit.
Mike M Memitim: Alright, so I got Maxwells Silver Hammer as my random article, which is a song about a guy who kills people with a silver hammer. I wasnt feeling that much, so I ended up doing my research stuff on silver hammers and personifications of death, and wound up with a story about a destroyer angel comparing himself to a papal hammer in a world that God has vacated. I fudged the details a bit (therere multiple papal hammers and they serve a few ceremonial purposes outside of smashing the previous popes signet ring), the concept of God abandoning creation is far from new, and I wrote it in second person because of reasons. Not a particularly great example of either objective given this time around, too much experimentation for its own good.
Mike Works The Horse, the Worm, and the Sloth: I believe this is the first thing of yours Ive read since I started participating? Theres only room in this thread for one Mike, pal and its clearly you. Shit like this makes me question why I even bother to try.
FairyD Elf in a stone: Yeah, probably could have stood to have an editing pass or two. The explanation about the difficulties of child birth and kidney disease really stood out as being particularly repetitive and clunky. Overall, I think you did a solid job for the hand you were dealt in this one. Agnes dialog was befitting a batty old woman and was a nice delivery vehicle for the mythology about the town. The whole thing read like the start of something longer though. As a standalone story, it seems little more than a conversation in a pharmacy between two bored people to deliver the information contained in the Wikipedia article. I will grant that its a more entertaining format, but theres not much of an actual *story* in there, know what I mean?
WriterGK Untitled: Wow, thats a pretty ultra specific Wikipedia article, isnt it? I honestly probably wouldnt have done much better if Id wound up with that one. Id also probably just have clicked Random again until I found something better ; )
Tangent Temporary Coolness: Heh, nice way of working your random subject into the story with the entomologist angle. That said, what youve got here seems to be a first act with vestigial second and third act. You spend the majority of the time explaining the social angle and how the protagonist won the acclaim of her peers, then just kind of breeze through what being temporarily cool entailed, then even less time on how she blew it. Theres no resolution to be had, it just ends abruptly at the revelation that the popular girl had apparently been living in a derelict house with no depiction of the fallout that throwing rotten fruit at her home would have had. It just seems like there needs to be more to this story.
Ashes1396Souls Apart: Well that certainly didnt go anywhere that I expected from the outset. Interesting take on the same event from two different perspectives, complete with two different narrative styles to express them. I was a little taken aback at how a story about a kid looking to emulate Sherlock Holmes and solve the mystery of who broke his bonsai tree takes an abrupt change into a story about an attempted suicide and stays there for the remainder of the piece, but I think you nailed the narrative styles of little kids with short declarative sentences and that of angst-ridden teenagers with their angst ridden ness
NezumiSurvivors: Mother fucking ghost ship, hell yeah! I think I may have mentioned I love all things ghosts in the past, but it bears repeating, I love all things ghost. I think you have a fairly decent set up here for something creeptacular, but you would need it to be longer to flesh it all out. You were in kind of a rush to get everyone on the ship, and then it ends just when it starts to get good, but the description of a derelict ship that is in no way seaworthy somehow staying afloat and running on its own power while their life raft mysteriously vanishes is a good setup. Just needs more to establish some malevolency before people start screaming/dying, especially if we never get to find out what happened. The whole premise can be expanded on considerably.
Cyan Stand Divided: Well written and researched, but a bit too dry. All talk and planning of revolution/assassination, but they never actually get there. I think I would have at least liked to have seen the outcome of their attempts. Seems like this was pinning its hopes on generating interest in the relatively unknown region and culture in which the characters live, but I dont think a clear enough picture was painted for me to really care that deeply about them or their plight, or if it even was something Id consider a proper plight.
Picks:
1: Mike Works
2: Aaron
3: Nezumi
Mike Works
Member
DISCLAIMER: For those of you who’ve never been critiqued by me before, you may find my critiques overly “negative”. If I only say critical things of your story, that doesn’t not mean that I found it to be 100% negative. Not at all. I just don’t have time to give full multi-page critiques for each story and I figure the most productive thing for both of us is to examine what needs work in your piece when it comes to moving forward to the next draft. So don’t get down if I don’t praise your work; these are all rough drafts! Revise!
Aaron – A fun little idea that’s not fully taken advantage of (perhaps purposefully?). The comedy is fun, though the focus of the piece becomes a little muddled in the latter half. I’m actually thinking about using (read: stealing) this idea because I was really hoping that you were going to present a story that showed: no matter what choice the reader makes, the universal truths will remain the same. I think there’s potential for a few really cool different stories that provide different options yet all reach the same conclusion in a way. Regardless, I much prefer a crazy story that takes a chance than one than a dull one that doesn’t, so kudos there.
Chainsawkitten – I like the concept behind the structure of your piece, but it’s sort of abandoned right away. This doesn’t read like a manifesto and I don’t see at all how it provides “instruction” into pulling off what I assume are (school?) bombings. The prose is interesting – on one hand it’s verbose, almost essay-like, which doesn’t make for the greatest read, but on the other hand perhaps that’s how a character in high school/university who’s being bullied would truly talk/write? As it stands, you have these conflicting aspects of your story (structure and prose), and if you can work to make it more cohesive, you might be onto something with this piece.
GRW810 – An aside: could you upload to Dropbox next time? Trying to read this on an iPad is a pain; there’s an ad that can’t be closed which blocks off some of the text. First off, the formatting of your piece is off which makes it really troublesome to read. The Hitler line made me chuckle. Really creative use of the prompt, and something that I can definitely see being transformed into a novel or screenplay. I like the use of comedy, but I’m not sure if overblown slapstick is the perfect way to go for this piece – I can really see it working pretty much structured as is, but with the narrator and more importantly narration a little more grounded. Perhaps it’s mainly the added length I’m yearning for here? Regardless, there were too many points in the story where it felt like you were just listing information from a Wiki page, instead of having your characters experience it. It’s a double-edged sword: do you handpick Wikipedia entries to better conform to the story you want to write, or pick truly random ones to perhaps discover new avenues at the expense of control? Tough call.
multivac – The characters and more importantly the situations here are pretty cliché. We’re dealing with what should be a pretty serious convict given that he received a 25 year sentence, and yet the story immediately tells us to bond with him because he didn’t commit the murder, he didn’t want it to happen, the only reason he was there in the first place was because times were tough and there weren’t any jobs. And while he fathered a girl out of prison, he always wanted to be there for her, etc. And now he’s the nice guy when his daughter’s co-worker is mean, when his daughter’s husband roughs her up, etc. He’s just not an interesting character. Just a white knight. Moreover the fact that he sees the husband be a jerk, then follows them home and sees him hit her and rushes in to her defense… all during the first time he’s ever met his daughter is far too melodramatic. Scale it back and the story could go somewhere interesting.
Mike M – “Your companion pours a pair of creamers into his coffee, watching transfixed in fascination as the milky plumes of solute climb just short of breaching the fluid black surface before the properties of density reassert their rule and pull it to the bottom. The momentary possibility of an uprising against the natural order having passed, he stirs the coffee to homogeneity in a few vigorous circles of his spoon.” … If I thumped Chainsawkitten for being verbose in a few areas, I probably have to do so with you throughout your piece. There are times to be lyrical, and I’m not sure if looking at coffee (at least in your piece) is one of them. Additionally, there’s too much time spent on describing every little physical detail in the scene – the floor, the booths, the faces (faces are a great thing to describe, but don’t linger). When you’re given less than 2500 words to tell a story, you need to economize. Try to work at when you should linger and be lyrical, and when you should push forward to dialogue/story. Lastly, I had no idea what your story was about until I googled the title, which probably isn’t the reaction you’re looking for from a reader.
FairyD – Typo in the first sentence! Okay, let’s dissect the action in this story. Mrs. Anderson approaches William and asks for Mr. Anderson. William tells her he’s out for lunch, so she sits and they talk. Eventually Mr. Anderson comes back and says hello. I think that’s it. Not a story. All of the “action” takes place in summary within dialogue, which doesn’t count. I think there are aspects here you can look at inserting into another story (kooky old lady who thinks people are elves, the town’s history), but make sure you insert them into a framed story.
WriterGK – This was basically just the Wikipedia entry with names thrown into it.
Tangent – I recently wrote a story for my workshop that featured the protagonist fantasizing about golden shower porn while hanging out with a ten-year-old boy in a bathroom stall. Most of the women in the class hated the story (save for the professor, ha!), but one comment that stuck out to me was, “I don’t understand why you’d write this story knowing that it probably won’t get published.” We argued past the philosophical stuff and into the technical, where I asserted it could get published, just not perhaps in the traditional venues. Anyway, when I read your story that has links to the Wikipedia prompt and color pictures in it, the first reactions I have are This can’t get published anywhere without major revision and those pictures indicate laziness, at least in terms of the traditional short story. So do I chastise your piece for not conforming to what is to be expected of a pro short fiction piece in the real world? Maybe not, but I do feel it’s my duty as a workshopper to hammer those points home. As for the story, it kind of went off track after the swimming pool scene (which featured some nice action), and though the characters are kind of clichés, the prose is stronger than average and helps the piece move forward. Work on the third act and I think you could have something good here.
Ashes1396 – Even though it can at times be rough, I always look forward to reading your stuff since you’re not afraid to be very harsh in your stories and through your characters. I always feel like I’m reading something from a perspective different than my own, which is great. Formatting: if you’re going to make a PDF, indent dude! Maybe this is some poetic affront to structure, but come on… do it! I love the perspective of the young kid trying to solve his mystery – very innocent and playful, which is why the suicide caught me so off guard. Alex’s section didn’t work for me at all, mainly because it didn’t feel coherent with the story. We’re suddenly taken away from Timothy’s perspective (I can see the third act being his confusion over what’s transpired in the following hours/day/weeks, mixed with that innocence that’s already been established… a child’s perspective) and forced into Alex’s spirit body’s monologue – a character we’ve had no relationship with prior to. That’s not to say that there isn’t strong stuff in that section – just that it’s in the wrong story. My two cents.
Nezumi – Strangers trapped on a lifeboat is a tried and true story mechanic, but you don’t seem to take advantage of it; they get “rescued” right away with little to no tension building up before they get to the ship. The mystery of the ghost ship is fun initially, but never explained (past well, I guess there were murder ghosts or something on the boat because that guy screamed at the end), which might be satisfying for a campfire audience of ten year olds, but not for your story. I think – and this goes for every story in the competition – if you’re going to build your story around the prompt, then the prompt needs to be understood within the story itself. I don’t know what the story behind this ship is and the piece doesn’t do anything to help me out. If I were to go at this story in revision, I’d actually forget the ghost ship myth and have a story where three strangers are growing tense together on a life raft until they’re miraculously saved by a ship… that is also completely empty. Would the strangers stay close to each other on this massive ship to communicate? Would they each stay in different sections? Would they ever talk to each other again? Now that’s interesting to think about.
Cyan – Your piece suffers from two pitfalls I’ve already covered: there’s next-to-no story/action here, and while not as bad as some other pieces, I still felt a little in the dark from your topic matter. I actually think you handled it pretty well, but it almost felt like your story was taking its time explaining who and what the hell the Kyrgyz and other clans are. When there is action in your story, it’s great – the tension between showing affection in the open (granted I couldn’t tell if these were two gay male characters, or a male and female who weren’t allowed to show affection in the open because perhaps they weren’t married or were married to other people or apparently you can’t hold hands if you’re Kyrgyz or whatever) is strong, and I liked how the setting slowly came to life with other people. It’s an abstract culture to focus on in such a short piece, but I will say it felt authentic (short of the somewhat didactic nature of the dialogue/narrative). Overall: probably a better story about the Kyrgyz than I could have written.
Aaron – A fun little idea that’s not fully taken advantage of (perhaps purposefully?). The comedy is fun, though the focus of the piece becomes a little muddled in the latter half. I’m actually thinking about using (read: stealing) this idea because I was really hoping that you were going to present a story that showed: no matter what choice the reader makes, the universal truths will remain the same. I think there’s potential for a few really cool different stories that provide different options yet all reach the same conclusion in a way. Regardless, I much prefer a crazy story that takes a chance than one than a dull one that doesn’t, so kudos there.
Chainsawkitten – I like the concept behind the structure of your piece, but it’s sort of abandoned right away. This doesn’t read like a manifesto and I don’t see at all how it provides “instruction” into pulling off what I assume are (school?) bombings. The prose is interesting – on one hand it’s verbose, almost essay-like, which doesn’t make for the greatest read, but on the other hand perhaps that’s how a character in high school/university who’s being bullied would truly talk/write? As it stands, you have these conflicting aspects of your story (structure and prose), and if you can work to make it more cohesive, you might be onto something with this piece.
GRW810 – An aside: could you upload to Dropbox next time? Trying to read this on an iPad is a pain; there’s an ad that can’t be closed which blocks off some of the text. First off, the formatting of your piece is off which makes it really troublesome to read. The Hitler line made me chuckle. Really creative use of the prompt, and something that I can definitely see being transformed into a novel or screenplay. I like the use of comedy, but I’m not sure if overblown slapstick is the perfect way to go for this piece – I can really see it working pretty much structured as is, but with the narrator and more importantly narration a little more grounded. Perhaps it’s mainly the added length I’m yearning for here? Regardless, there were too many points in the story where it felt like you were just listing information from a Wiki page, instead of having your characters experience it. It’s a double-edged sword: do you handpick Wikipedia entries to better conform to the story you want to write, or pick truly random ones to perhaps discover new avenues at the expense of control? Tough call.
multivac – The characters and more importantly the situations here are pretty cliché. We’re dealing with what should be a pretty serious convict given that he received a 25 year sentence, and yet the story immediately tells us to bond with him because he didn’t commit the murder, he didn’t want it to happen, the only reason he was there in the first place was because times were tough and there weren’t any jobs. And while he fathered a girl out of prison, he always wanted to be there for her, etc. And now he’s the nice guy when his daughter’s co-worker is mean, when his daughter’s husband roughs her up, etc. He’s just not an interesting character. Just a white knight. Moreover the fact that he sees the husband be a jerk, then follows them home and sees him hit her and rushes in to her defense… all during the first time he’s ever met his daughter is far too melodramatic. Scale it back and the story could go somewhere interesting.
Mike M – “Your companion pours a pair of creamers into his coffee, watching transfixed in fascination as the milky plumes of solute climb just short of breaching the fluid black surface before the properties of density reassert their rule and pull it to the bottom. The momentary possibility of an uprising against the natural order having passed, he stirs the coffee to homogeneity in a few vigorous circles of his spoon.” … If I thumped Chainsawkitten for being verbose in a few areas, I probably have to do so with you throughout your piece. There are times to be lyrical, and I’m not sure if looking at coffee (at least in your piece) is one of them. Additionally, there’s too much time spent on describing every little physical detail in the scene – the floor, the booths, the faces (faces are a great thing to describe, but don’t linger). When you’re given less than 2500 words to tell a story, you need to economize. Try to work at when you should linger and be lyrical, and when you should push forward to dialogue/story. Lastly, I had no idea what your story was about until I googled the title, which probably isn’t the reaction you’re looking for from a reader.
FairyD – Typo in the first sentence! Okay, let’s dissect the action in this story. Mrs. Anderson approaches William and asks for Mr. Anderson. William tells her he’s out for lunch, so she sits and they talk. Eventually Mr. Anderson comes back and says hello. I think that’s it. Not a story. All of the “action” takes place in summary within dialogue, which doesn’t count. I think there are aspects here you can look at inserting into another story (kooky old lady who thinks people are elves, the town’s history), but make sure you insert them into a framed story.
WriterGK – This was basically just the Wikipedia entry with names thrown into it.
Tangent – I recently wrote a story for my workshop that featured the protagonist fantasizing about golden shower porn while hanging out with a ten-year-old boy in a bathroom stall. Most of the women in the class hated the story (save for the professor, ha!), but one comment that stuck out to me was, “I don’t understand why you’d write this story knowing that it probably won’t get published.” We argued past the philosophical stuff and into the technical, where I asserted it could get published, just not perhaps in the traditional venues. Anyway, when I read your story that has links to the Wikipedia prompt and color pictures in it, the first reactions I have are This can’t get published anywhere without major revision and those pictures indicate laziness, at least in terms of the traditional short story. So do I chastise your piece for not conforming to what is to be expected of a pro short fiction piece in the real world? Maybe not, but I do feel it’s my duty as a workshopper to hammer those points home. As for the story, it kind of went off track after the swimming pool scene (which featured some nice action), and though the characters are kind of clichés, the prose is stronger than average and helps the piece move forward. Work on the third act and I think you could have something good here.
Ashes1396 – Even though it can at times be rough, I always look forward to reading your stuff since you’re not afraid to be very harsh in your stories and through your characters. I always feel like I’m reading something from a perspective different than my own, which is great. Formatting: if you’re going to make a PDF, indent dude! Maybe this is some poetic affront to structure, but come on… do it! I love the perspective of the young kid trying to solve his mystery – very innocent and playful, which is why the suicide caught me so off guard. Alex’s section didn’t work for me at all, mainly because it didn’t feel coherent with the story. We’re suddenly taken away from Timothy’s perspective (I can see the third act being his confusion over what’s transpired in the following hours/day/weeks, mixed with that innocence that’s already been established… a child’s perspective) and forced into Alex’s spirit body’s monologue – a character we’ve had no relationship with prior to. That’s not to say that there isn’t strong stuff in that section – just that it’s in the wrong story. My two cents.
Nezumi – Strangers trapped on a lifeboat is a tried and true story mechanic, but you don’t seem to take advantage of it; they get “rescued” right away with little to no tension building up before they get to the ship. The mystery of the ghost ship is fun initially, but never explained (past well, I guess there were murder ghosts or something on the boat because that guy screamed at the end), which might be satisfying for a campfire audience of ten year olds, but not for your story. I think – and this goes for every story in the competition – if you’re going to build your story around the prompt, then the prompt needs to be understood within the story itself. I don’t know what the story behind this ship is and the piece doesn’t do anything to help me out. If I were to go at this story in revision, I’d actually forget the ghost ship myth and have a story where three strangers are growing tense together on a life raft until they’re miraculously saved by a ship… that is also completely empty. Would the strangers stay close to each other on this massive ship to communicate? Would they each stay in different sections? Would they ever talk to each other again? Now that’s interesting to think about.
Cyan – Your piece suffers from two pitfalls I’ve already covered: there’s next-to-no story/action here, and while not as bad as some other pieces, I still felt a little in the dark from your topic matter. I actually think you handled it pretty well, but it almost felt like your story was taking its time explaining who and what the hell the Kyrgyz and other clans are. When there is action in your story, it’s great – the tension between showing affection in the open (granted I couldn’t tell if these were two gay male characters, or a male and female who weren’t allowed to show affection in the open because perhaps they weren’t married or were married to other people or apparently you can’t hold hands if you’re Kyrgyz or whatever) is strong, and I liked how the setting slowly came to life with other people. It’s an abstract culture to focus on in such a short piece, but I will say it felt authentic (short of the somewhat didactic nature of the dialogue/narrative). Overall: probably a better story about the Kyrgyz than I could have written.
Mike Works
Member
Votes:
1. Ashes1396
2. Cyan
3. Tangent
HM: GRW810
1. Ashes1396
2. Cyan
3. Tangent
HM: GRW810
Aaron A Dicey Job: Really creative layout. It reminded me of Choose Your Own Adventure except this was Randomize Your Own Adventure. Kudos for making it all work together.
Chainsawkitten Revolution: Interesting topic and I like how you tackled it. I think in some ways you were describing a how-to manual and in some ways describing a manifesto. Maybe that was intentional to have a little bit of both.
GRW810 Nonsense, Farce, and Silliness: I really liked the writing style of this, very refreshing, and fast-paced. Perhaps the character was a little over-the-top with his random personality but in some ways it was very fitting to the style of it all.
multivac - Acts of Kindness: I liked the character of Sheila and the father but I wish I heard more of some internal conflict going on with the father. He almost seemed a little too angelic. Or maybe Im just jaded. 
Mike M Memitim: Beautiful story, it had a slow style but I thought that was fitting. Great detail of the diner.
Mike Works - The Horse, The Worm and the Sloth: Great story and I liked how you pointed to the reader in a cyclical way. Your style and content vaguely reminded me of a CS Lewis story about a leech and a ghost.
FairyD - Elf in a Stone: Nice exchange and use of dialog for a difficult topic. I think this is a great start to a longer a story.
WriterGK untitled: This was pretty hilarious. I like how you took a small snippet of what is going on in a larger context. I always think these kinds of stories always make for good ones.
Ashes1396 - Souls Apart This was so fun to read. I like how you were able to make everything connect and describe mind states without explicitly stating them.
Nezumi Survivors: Creepy! I really liked how you left so much to the imagination and I like where you ended the story. I find it hard to determine how much to state and how much to leave to the readers interpretation. I like the balance you made.
Cyan - Stand Divided: Impressive what you did with the topic. Great buildup of tension.
Votes:
1. Mike Works
2. Ashes
3. GRW810
HM. Mike M.
Wow congrats!! That's awesome. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with a new job and new-lots-of-everything right now so maybe I won't be the best reader. And I'd like to work on my critiquing skills since I'm not sure how helpful I'd be. But anyway, props to you for sticking it out and committing to actually publishing and doing all the work that goes into that, for such a long time. Bravo.
Chainsawkitten Revolution: Interesting topic and I like how you tackled it. I think in some ways you were describing a how-to manual and in some ways describing a manifesto. Maybe that was intentional to have a little bit of both.
GRW810 Nonsense, Farce, and Silliness: I really liked the writing style of this, very refreshing, and fast-paced. Perhaps the character was a little over-the-top with his random personality but in some ways it was very fitting to the style of it all.
multivac - Acts of Kindness: I liked the character of Sheila and the father but I wish I heard more of some internal conflict going on with the father. He almost seemed a little too angelic. Or maybe Im just jaded. 
Mike M Memitim: Beautiful story, it had a slow style but I thought that was fitting. Great detail of the diner.
Mike Works - The Horse, The Worm and the Sloth: Great story and I liked how you pointed to the reader in a cyclical way. Your style and content vaguely reminded me of a CS Lewis story about a leech and a ghost.
FairyD - Elf in a Stone: Nice exchange and use of dialog for a difficult topic. I think this is a great start to a longer a story.
WriterGK untitled: This was pretty hilarious. I like how you took a small snippet of what is going on in a larger context. I always think these kinds of stories always make for good ones.
Ashes1396 - Souls Apart This was so fun to read. I like how you were able to make everything connect and describe mind states without explicitly stating them.
Nezumi Survivors: Creepy! I really liked how you left so much to the imagination and I like where you ended the story. I find it hard to determine how much to state and how much to leave to the readers interpretation. I like the balance you made.
Cyan - Stand Divided: Impressive what you did with the topic. Great buildup of tension.
Votes:
1. Mike Works
2. Ashes
3. GRW810
HM. Mike M.
This is some good food for thought because I don't write these stories with the intention of publishing. But maybe that's a good mindset to get into (the publishing mindset) to ensure that I'm not unconsciously defeating myself. As for the pictures, I love visuals! But I have noticed that they are very rarely used by others. So maybe they are "not allowed." I will keep that in mind. Or maybe if I draw my own, then that wouldn't be considered as "lazy."
Wow congrats!! That's awesome. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with a new job and new-lots-of-everything right now so maybe I won't be the best reader. And I'd like to work on my critiquing skills since I'm not sure how helpful I'd be. But anyway, props to you for sticking it out and committing to actually publishing and doing all the work that goes into that, for such a long time. Bravo.
I'm working my way through the stories - it's going to take a few hours yet because I'm on sole parenting duty today - but I just wanted to apologise for what seems to be a mistake in choice of host for my submission.
I was working on someone else's laptop and it was running out of battery and I just panicked, searched 'pdf convert' and went with it. I usually use Dropbox on my own laptop but I'm still new to it so I didn't know whether I could access it remotely. So yeah, sorry about that, especially for those reading on smaller devices, because zooming is difficult with that stupid ad.
I was working on someone else's laptop and it was running out of battery and I just panicked, searched 'pdf convert' and went with it. I usually use Dropbox on my own laptop but I'm still new to it so I didn't know whether I could access it remotely. So yeah, sorry about that, especially for those reading on smaller devices, because zooming is difficult with that stupid ad.
The results:
1.)Mike Works
2.)GRW810
2.)Ashes1396
Vote Count:
Mike Works: 13 (4)
Ashes1396: 6 (1)
GRW810: 6
Mike M: 5 (1)
Cyan: 5 (1)
Aaron: 4
Chainsawkitten: 3 (1)
Nezumi: 3
Tangent: 3
Clear victory for Mike Works! Congratulation! Now get the next thread up , so we can start writing again
1.)Mike Works
2.)GRW810
2.)Ashes1396
Vote Count:
Mike Works: 13 (4)
Ashes1396: 6 (1)
GRW810: 6
Mike M: 5 (1)
Cyan: 5 (1)
Aaron: 4
Chainsawkitten: 3 (1)
Nezumi: 3
Tangent: 3
Clear victory for Mike Works! Congratulation! Now get the next thread up , so we can start writing again
Congrats Mike Works! I loved your story as well. I loved all stories but some a bit more then others. Even tough I finished reading all off them I didnt have enough time to vote before the ending of the deadline.
But this is what I have to say about them:
Aaron-A Dicey JobI loved how the audience(the reader) gets to decide with the dice how the story develops and everytime you read it , it changes because of the dicing factor. And all with all a great story. Eventually it wouldnt have just missed my top 3 but I did like it a lot.
Chainsawkitten-Revolution a good story. I have been there with being bullied. And I certainly saw some things in it from my own life.
GRW810-Nonsense, Farce and Silliness a nice story about wikipedia and doing really random things. To me it seems a bit too random but the ending with the nan only leaving him just 500 pounds was a clever found.
multivac-Acts of Kindness a really heartbreaking story. A nice story about trying to make up for things after spending a life time with out one another.\
Mike M- Memitim this one is my favourite. Its really mysterious and I liked the Nolan sort off twists and ending. A really great story.
Mike Works-The Horse, The Worm and the Sloth I really liked the part in the middle with the big brother /1984 kind of society. Would consider voting for this one.
FairyD - Elf in A Stone a touching and moving story. I liked it because the protoganist breakes out of his routine and destiny by not working Inveresk research. And the eldery woman was also greatly portraited.
Tangent-Temporary Coolness I loved the irony in this one. How about the coolkid in the end seems to be wearing a mask and living in an old abandoned house. And the main character who seems to be picked on turning out to be kind of cool after rescuing her dog.
Ashes 1396 the second part with Alex made me shed tears. A really great story.
Nezumi-Survivors a great story with a awesome open ending, loved it.
Cyan- Stand Divided I liked the ending but I wasnt that on flow with it for the most part.
My Top 3 would have been:
1. Mike M- Memitim
2. Ashes1396- Souls Apart
3. Mike Works- The Horse, The Worm and the Sloth
But this is what I have to say about them:
Aaron-A Dicey JobI loved how the audience(the reader) gets to decide with the dice how the story develops and everytime you read it , it changes because of the dicing factor. And all with all a great story. Eventually it wouldnt have just missed my top 3 but I did like it a lot.
Chainsawkitten-Revolution a good story. I have been there with being bullied. And I certainly saw some things in it from my own life.
GRW810-Nonsense, Farce and Silliness a nice story about wikipedia and doing really random things. To me it seems a bit too random but the ending with the nan only leaving him just 500 pounds was a clever found.
multivac-Acts of Kindness a really heartbreaking story. A nice story about trying to make up for things after spending a life time with out one another.\
Mike M- Memitim this one is my favourite. Its really mysterious and I liked the Nolan sort off twists and ending. A really great story.
Mike Works-The Horse, The Worm and the Sloth I really liked the part in the middle with the big brother /1984 kind of society. Would consider voting for this one.
FairyD - Elf in A Stone a touching and moving story. I liked it because the protoganist breakes out of his routine and destiny by not working Inveresk research. And the eldery woman was also greatly portraited.
Tangent-Temporary Coolness I loved the irony in this one. How about the coolkid in the end seems to be wearing a mask and living in an old abandoned house. And the main character who seems to be picked on turning out to be kind of cool after rescuing her dog.
Ashes 1396 the second part with Alex made me shed tears. A really great story.
Nezumi-Survivors a great story with a awesome open ending, loved it.
Cyan- Stand Divided I liked the ending but I wasnt that on flow with it for the most part.
My Top 3 would have been:
1. Mike M- Memitim
2. Ashes1396- Souls Apart
3. Mike Works- The Horse, The Worm and the Sloth
Mike Works
Member
The number of first place votes. When there is a draw, it is used to decide on the winner.
@chainsawkitten: I like the way you write. The angle you went for was a little too obvious and thus made the plot device come off as gimmicky. Keep at it.
Cheers for clarifying.
- Status