Wow, these stories were absolutely fantastic to read. I am extremely impressed with all of you and flattered to think that I get to write with you people. Such high level of work. It's truly fantastic. Well done to you all. It is also motivating for me...while a little intimidating, it also makes me want to buckle down and actually spend more time on my work and actually apply all the great feedback I get from you guys each week. I intend to... hopefully in the upcoming challenge.
Crits:
John Dunbar -- Father of Lies; Daughter of Invention: This was a gripping story to read. I liked the character of Atalanta. And I loved the exchanges between the Herocitus and the bartender in the beginning. To be picky, I’m wondering how she got by with being such a strong person without being “shot down” for being so, so to speak. I also really liked Herocitus’ pitch and was wondering if you could elaborate on that. It reminded me of a comparative history class I took and how when certain countries started printing a lot, there was a big shift in science, news, literature, and thought… to suddenly trust the printed word. Perhaps it might be fun to go into that even more, unless it would be a… tangent. (Badam ching!) I was a little confused about how the people in the town made the shift so quickly to the “new news” before Atalanta arrived. But nevertheless, it didn’t seem to throw me off too much. I liked some of the catchy lines likes “Might as well compromise and say it was sixty thousand men” and “I don’t think…” “That’s all right, you look good.” And I liked how Herocitus was matter of fact about not believing his stories if he wrote about Atalanta. Another thing that reminded me of was one reflection about Biblical stories and how it was interesting how women, instead of men, were the first to “see Jesus after the crucifixion” so their report might be more questionable, which makes for an interesting choice in the story.
Cyan -- The Tally Book: This was a really fun story to read and it reminded me of so many good, classic stories. One that comes to mind is Memoirs of a Geisha. (Actually, bad connection…. I liked the language and word choice of that novel a lot more than the plot.) I wonder why, though, Faisel was so unforgiving and standoffish towards Bel? I felt like Bel had some good explanations of why she didn’t come to visit earlier, but maybe it was just that Faisel had changed so much in her own wretched situation? Faisel was sure blunt about “not being remembered” like when she said, “I’m surprised you even remember my name.” One thing I thought was an interesting choice was all the violent anger Bel had. She always seemed to be trying to count or unflex her fist to prevent herself from lashing out at someone. However, in some ways, this seemed to be in contrast to other parts of her personality. Maybe it was just a side of her I didn’t totally understand. I also was surprised that she’d talk so demandingly when it was clear she’d get slapped around pretty easily for talking out of line. But maybe she still had a lot of chutzpah still.
Mike M – Tritogeneia: Can I just first say I’m completely biased with this story? A story about insects?! I was sold! I love love love insects. I absolutely loved how you described Peter’s disgust of the cricket in the first paragraph. I’ve never seen a disgust for insects described so precisely. Likewise, I like how you describe Jacob’s appreciation for them so well. Some of the jargon maybe seemed a little too much (or at least it slowed me down when I wanted to keep on racing on to find out what might happen next), but at the same time, the jargon was fun and gave the story a sense of adventure, in a way. One thing that was surprising was, in the beginning, when I was trying to understand Jacob’s character, I was thinking, “Oh, this guy sounds like he might have Asperger’s or something” because he seemed to not care if others were into his single-minded, obsessive interest and would go off on monologs, etc., and just get so pumped up about an interest that others didn’t necessarily share. But, I changed my mind entirely about this as a character trait of Jacob when you described how good he was at noticing that Peter had more to say, and really trying to help him out. That ability of understanding or suspecting how his friend was feeling was well described. Peter seemed a little angsty, obviously, but I felt like it was rude of him to just race off when he was supposed to be hanging out with his weird friend Jacob. I also thought it was a little smug of him to interject and be disgusted with Jacob referencing Tool as being immature. But again, I guess this fit in with Peter being a little self-involved! I really like the symbolism of the metamorphosis of new life and changes. I find it hard to use symbols well without being too explicit or implicit but I like the balance you struck. I know this is just me (doh!), but I was a little confused with Tritogeneia as the title and the Greek references to Delphine’s parents and stuff and the symbolism of naming the daughter Athena, etc.
GRW810 -- The Superheroic Chronicles of Ethan Barnes: Beautiful story. I felt the way I felt reading JK Rowling’s stuff in that I wanted to be friends with Ethan Barnes pretty soon into the story. That’s how I felt reading the Harry Potter series: it wasn’t the plot I cared about as much as just wanting to truly just hang out with the 3 main characters. Ethan Barnes had that effect. I wonder if the way his crush was described could have been different, towards Melanie. I find it fascinating how kids are not quite aware of their own crushes and it comes out in interesting ways. I think the explanation of his initial embarrassment could have maybe been described differently to stick with Ethan’s age and his level of self-awareness of his own crush. It was fun reading about the classic heroic stories in the beginning and wow, Ethan sure has a villainous, uninspired babysitter/older sister! I also liked reading about Ethan’s adventures in the city. It was fun to read and easy to visualize but I suppose parts of it seemed a little surprising. I wonder if more panic might have ensued with him crying or racing off or trying to find an adult that could help more quickly before trying to find other tools such as a stool to reach the coin slot, etc. Although I really liked the point you were trying to make, I wonder if there was any other way Ethan could have reached his final realization without it being stated so explicitly. That’s tough though; I’m not sure how to advise you there! Though the one elderly person he didn’t seem to reflect on was the nice elderly lady on the bus! What I really liked about having that elderly lady on the bus is that it seemed so classically Roald Dahl like to have all these horrible, scary adults, but one trusting adult. Anything that reminds me of Roald Dahl has gotta be pretty good.
Sober -- When You're Gone: This was a fascinating story. Having said that, I’m not sure if what I got out of it is what you intended. It’ll be embarrassing if I’m really off the mark but I’ll divulge my understanding anyway… I understood Matthew as playing the part of Mr. Pebbleby to try out for a role in some performance but then Matthew’s real life and the character’s life that he was trying to portray blended together. I’m not sure if this is what you intended but anyway, I got a kick out of my interpretation.  I thought it was great how you related the tragic tale of the Matthew’s dreams being sucked dry by reality to the old man’s dreams. It was like Matthew’s understanding of his own situation added to where his character went on stage. Also, Mr. Pebbleby reminded me of “Up.” And darnit, I wish those dang nurses or rehab people just popped him some pills so he could get over his self-pity stage and actually help himself when time is ticking! Oh well. One thing that seemed a little surprising was how quickly his character turned when he was talking to the boy that still looked up to him, though you did try to explain this with Diane’s surprise. Anyway, I liked the relationship between Matthew and Mr. Pebbleby, it reminded me of something I read about Heath Ledger and Joker (though I don’t mean to make light of that story…
. Sorry if I completely butchered the point you were trying to get across!
Ashes1396 – firenza: I struggle with giving crits when I’m not sure how to start because I’m not actually the best reader. (It’s quite frustrating, and embarrassing… what kind of person tries to write when they can’t read?!) I tend to like your writing style but there are times when the level of abstractness is a bit over my head! So, take anything I say here with a grain of salt. Anyway, basically, I like some of the imagery but I had trouble following the storyline. I also liked how dramatic some of this was, like with the projectile vomit. I liked the last bit with the trembling fingers – it reminded me of when a baby first discovers that their wiggling fingers are indeed their own, and a sense of self is first realized.
Mike Works – Antoine: This was a beautifully written story, even the bit the about letting loose more hot liquid diarrhea. Somehow this reminded me of maybe what Esylium the movie (though I have only seen the previews) would be if it met 1984 combined with “Artificial Intelligence” the movie, or something. I really liked reading about Antoine’s feelings towards his daughter but was a little confused about what she was – like a hologram or some sort of robot with artificial intelligence or something. I think this would make a totally awesome longer novel with greater explanation to help the reader along with the knowledge each character had of their situation, or at least of what Antoine knew (e.g., I thought it was interesting that he picked Julie’s voice – was he creating an entire world for himself to cope with things? Sorry I’m just a little confused but it could just be me!). While I didn’t entirely understand the point of the history lectures and if there was brainwashing involved or what not, I thought the choice of the topic of Roman Empire was hilarious. It just made me think about how sometimes the things we learn in school seem so far removed from what we’re experiencing in life.
Feedback for me:
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I'm going to just think out loud so I can try to capture what everyone is saying for myself. I think I have a general trend of needing to simply start my stories earlier so I have more time for editing. When I edit, it sounds like it'd be best to work on at least the following: (a) structure and organization, (b) point of view, especially if switching back from present to former self, I also struggle with this when the narrator has a larger understanding than the main character. (c) how much of a flashback to put in or how to organize the sense of presence and determining how important it is, (d) describe why a character might be so hung up on their hang up (e.g., Kindergarten). Anyway, THANKS! I appreciate it. One thing I realized too is that I think I was trying to cover too much ground... to many ideas/topics in one story which might have made it more confusing or groundless.
I was at a writing seminar/retreat over the last week, and one of the things we did was critique groups. We were explicitly told to be descriptive in our critiques rather than prescriptive (i.e. "I had this problem" rather than "you need to do xyz to fix this")
Awesome that you went to a writing retreat last week! What I find funny about this is that it's the whole relationship advice thing where instead of saying, "I hate how you Blah blah!" you're supposed to say, "I feel X when you do Y in situation Z." LOL. No, but really, good point. Obviously, descriptive critiques I think would be way better but I think it's also harder -- but in a good way!
especially with the more out-there writers like Timedog.
This sounds like a hint of some writing you'd like to see coming back!
