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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #1 - "The Things Unseen"

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QVT

Fair-weather, with pride!
I assume I have to submit to vote so in an effort to provide the person who wins the contest with a bigger landslide and therefore more encouragement:

The Groups Where you Aren't Looking

Word Count: Three Fifty something. All I've got.

A bookstore. A Nikki(as she introduces herself) of twelve has wandered into where I sit cross-legged at the single shelf of McCarthy's work, carefully pulling the "Oprah's Book Club" stickers from the front while taking care to leave no marks on these pieces of immortal literature. The girl has dragged her parents along. She points to a seven dollar mass market paperback sitting next to a fourteen dollar trade paperback with a finer cover of a respected author's series for children. The useless store aide informs the family that she has chosen the sixth book, and that the seventh has just been released in hardcover. The father silently yearns with the tone any once poor man would know as longing for the ease of purchasing such things as could make his daughter happy with no regard to his mortgage. She cannot have the seventh yet. I buy the seventh now for the girl in case she stays up late and runs out of sixth. She beams. She is ecstatic. She is wonderfilled. She is twelve and will grow to be beautiful one day if she keeps that happy smile.

The same bookstore, in fact. Another group of (eight now, their mass has osmosed another poor thing) girls indistinguishable from a group I saw before. They invade the manga section to the opposite side of the now cleaned McCarthy novels across from where I clean Marquez. Ringing cellphones and lip gloss. They're twelve, too. They talk about how pretty the pictures are and try to flip through to see which books have the least words to burden their minds, and make them laugh as they assert all books should. The only funny book I've ever read is about burdens. They're unburdened. Or so they're told. They are two to the unburdened eighth power for none is alone in her thoughts. One finds a book made entirely of pictures - it is for toddlers. They each buy a copy, for next to the lip gloss in their purses are wads and wads of their parents love. The zookeepers with fake lips and fake smiles and fake tits pick up their animals.
 

newsguy

Member
QVT said:
The zookeepers with fake lips and fake smiles and fake tits pick up their animals.

imgad


Nothing against your story QVT, but I love that this ad came up:lol :lol :lol
 
This is a great idea. I am not the best writer in the world, but I feel like writing something really dark for this theme. Will try to do it soon!
 

Oldschoolgamer

The physical form of blasphemy
Going with the theme...

(word count says 997)

The Things Unseen

It was in the middle of the day, around twelve thirty. You know, the time where everyone is leaving their nice jobs, and going out for lunch: to grab a bite to eat. Well, it was around the middle of the day, and I found myself leaving my nice little job, to get a bite to eat, like everyone else. The sun was shining vibrantly in the skies, and not a cloud carrying rain was to be seen. It was around a little after the middle of the day, when I ended up going to get a bite to eat, and instead, changing my mind to go collect my thoughts: unlike everyone else. I walked through the crowds of millions, in a city buzzing with cell phones ringing, conversations inviting the world into their personal lives, and smog slowly shading in the skies while blocking the sun's glow from above.

"Excuse me..." I muttered as I bumped into people to oblivious of their surroundings: in their own worlds.

Most couldn't hear me. Others couldn't really care. Works for me.

I walked until I made my way to my one place of solace in this busy town: the park. It was around twelve twenty five went I got there: around five minutes before the streets became filled with traffic, and flashed lights that changed and served no purpose other than to guide a slow moving car across the intersection: the shine of green that is. Red's purpose was to piss off the driver behind him, or her if that may be the case.

"Nothing like the quiet."

I left the cement pathways, and walked on a dirt path that lead through the forest of five feet (which drowned out the cities noisy conversation), and into the very heart of this madness. It was around twelve forty when I saw her. A young lady stood next to the bench I had planned to sit on: unlike everyone else. I stepped off of the ended path and into the grass, towards this lady dressed in black, and red.

"How's it going miss?"

She wore a summer dress in the springtime, and her eyes were the color leaves that never change shades in autumn. Her lips were full, and her face defined by grace. Her skin was the color of the frappuccino that everyone drinks around twelve thirty to get through to the end of the day. It was around twelve twenty six, when she placed a single finger of hers on my lips.

"You're all I need," she said softly.

We sat down on the bench, which sat in front of the single flower patch filled with roses and dandelions waving in the wind. The rays from the sun, cut through the clouds, and in the eye of the forest of five feet we sat in heaven.

She slid her index finger in between my lips, and I could taste the cupcakes she had baked this morning for her two children, before they ran off to school. She pulled them out of the oven around twelve o five.

"You're all I need," she said softly.

In the eyes of autumn never past, I saw her standing over her mother's grave at the cemetery: her headstone behind the patch of flowers, with the roses and dandelions waving in the wind.

"You're all I need," she said softly.

She slid her finger back out of my mouth, and placed it back on her lips.

"Shush baby, you're all I need," she said comfortingly.

I spoke not a sound as she took my right hand and placed it over her left breast. She leaned up against me, and rested her head on my shoulders. This lady, whom I had never seen a day in my life, kissed me on my neck.

"You're all I need..." she said calmly.

I could feel the heat rising from her, as she kicked between the sheets: making love to the women she goes home to at the end of the day around twelve o four. I lifted my hand off of her breast, and slid it around the back of her head, dividing it from the glass she would rest her head on, as the train took her from the corner of 36th and straight, towards her nine to five: every day of the week. She looked me in my eyes, and I saw fall change to winter, as the breeze blew another dandelion from its home in the roses.

"I don't think I can do this..."

She replied back, "Hush baby, you're all I need."

I kissed her around the nape of her neck, and she let out a sigh of relief. I pulled my hand from around the back of her head, and lit up a cigarette, deciding to leave. She kissed me back on mine, and we both got up, and walked back on the dirt path, through the forest of five feet, and back in the crowd oblivious to our existence, treading on the cement pathways to get something to eat.

She got back on her train, and rested her head on the window exactly where my hand was used to divide it from the glass. I looked at the traffic light, changing from green to red signaling the guy behind to be an asshole, while doing my part to choke up the skies. Her eyes, an icy evergreen, changed to the color of autumn never past again, when she step through the front door to her house, and into the arms of her mistress. They shared a cupcake together, and went up to bed, where they made love until three. I walked back to my job, like everyone else, approximately near eleven o five. As I blew my final cloud of nicotine towards the skies, we both looked towards time unseen, gazing forward from outside of everyone else.

"You're all that I need," she would say.

I would say the same thing.
 
I've been dead as a writer for about 2 years now, so I guess I'll see if I can scrounge up some creative juices. Just don't expect anything good from me.
 
First attempt at writing anything that wasn't mandatory, 708 Words

The Things Unseen


That unmistakable smile, you know the one, it's not happiness, its pure passion. As they casually talk about the happenings of their life not really caring about how tough that teller job, or how there were so many people in the theater an hour before, they look into each other’s souls. Rarely getting into the pertinent details of their life, how he fears he’s losing his mind, or how she’s in a fruitless marriage, they continue engaging in meaningless dribble about their week, what they had for dinner the night before, or the current events.

“So you only have a year left before you head up north, huh?” he says as the moment slowly drifts from her eyes. “Yea….” with little bit of regret in her voice. “How’s that going by way?” he doesn’t really care, he’s just looking to inflict a little guilt, maybe a little pain. She got married; she’s a healer by nature, in hindsight there was no wound to mend. “You watch sports?” she inquires as she glances up to the football game playing on TVs across the generic bar, in an attempt to change subject.

As he looks around the room, in a slightly lower voice “Sports are only popular because there’s so many…” a hint of cynicism escapes him. Not wanting to backtrack he continues with a slight stutter “s- so many failures in the world, a bunch of gamblers and people stuck living in their meaningless high school years, the past, nothing brings back the past.” A little flicker of passion, a little reality, but short lived as he picks at the appetizer they’re sharing. “The chicken is pretty good.” He’s lying through his teeth, as he always does. The chicken is terrible, it’s dry, over spiced, over glazed, and slightly burnt. The whole time she’s thinking about what she has to go back to, an empty room, and an empty wait.

“What….what do you think about it?” she hesitates to ask. They’ve never spoken directly about it. Still trying to hide behind trivialities he continues “The glazing on top is fucking fantastic”. A little smirk climbs her face. “No, about me and Mike”. Neither of them really wants to talk about it.

As the waitress cleans up the table beside them, he thinks to himself, “You’re wasting your time, his time and my time, none of us need any of this shit, make up your god damn mind.” Daydreaming as he has his whole life, but he doesn’t have the courage to say those words.

“……that’s a lot of thinking” she gently wakes him from his stupor after a few seconds of silence.

“Well, are you happy? You promised something, at least wait until you can face him. It’s only right”. Not a single word that leaves his lips is true. He certainly doesn’t believe that as he pictures himself over her soft body at the same time. He’s waiting for her to step forward, being a coward he doesn’t want to be responsible.

She remembers why she doesn’t bring it up. They’ve already made love. They just haven’t embraced each other’s touch. The few hours they’ve spent together over the past week have felt like a lifetime of passion compared to the cold marriage or to the lonely miserable life he leads.

They’ve known each other for nearly two decades, but never really met.

“Is it fair to me though? Suddenly, now that he’s away, he’s all lovey dovey and shit. I don’t need a big show, or parties and things, but it’s nice to get little things like random roses or ‘I love you’ or anything, you know?” her frustration shows.

He does those things, and he likes doing it, the glint of an eye in his lover is enough satisfaction for him.

“When you’re over there, you change” he empathizes with Mike for a brief second, not really knowing how they change, but he knows enough people from there to know that they do change.

It’s too late for her and Mike, she tells him. She’s “fallen out of love”, it does happen apparently. He should be happy, but he’s not. He can feel her sadden as she speaks those words out loud for the first time.
 

Cyan

Banned
Them Things As Wasn't Seen By Nobody (based on a true story)

"I swear officer," said the old ragged man, and he shivered and sidled about.
"I swear to you, sir, that I seen what I said, and them's aliens I got no doubt."

The copper he stopped, rolled his eyes for a spell; he had seen this man's type here before.
He would do what he could--not much in the woods--and he'd show the fool man the real score.

He opened his mouth and he rubbed at his neck, and he said to the man, "You best set.
I'll show you a thing that'll open your eyes, and'll change your fool mind awful quick."
The man set still, so he turned right round, and he reached deep inside his Crown Vic.
And what should he pull from the depths of the car, but a spinning and pulsating net.
It was purplish-white, it shone bright in the night, and the man's eyes near popped from his head.
They got awful wide, then they glowed deep inside, and the ragged man fell over dead.

The cop looked around as he put the thing down, to be sure there weren't nobody there.
As he drove away, he frowned and he waved, as he looked up above with a prayer.

The snow came soon, with the body still there, for none thought to look for that man.
And that's why you never should call for the cops, if you seen a UFO land.
 

Stage On

Member
Word count 1000

Things Unseen

It was a quite night, the same as almost any other night thought Midori as her lithe form softly sulked through the shadows of the enemy compound. With her keen sensitive eyes it was easy for her to spot and avoid dangers such as the guards that frequented the halls in droves seeking to protect the master of the mansion she was currently infiltrating.But it wasn’t things that she could see that worried her, rather the things her even so vaunted eyes couldn’t see like nearly invisible trip wires or hidden explosive tags that where placed about in order to deter and counter anyone unwary enough to avoid them.

Even possessing the fabled Sharingan did not grant one omniscience and it was the things that she couldn’t perceive with her eyes that she feared and respected the most, after all Stealth was by far the deadliest weapon in her arsenal as a assassin. The theorem “that which can not be seen is the hardest to defend against” was what she lived by. It was because of this that she relied not simply on her sense of sight like most shinobi but rather on her instinct honed by years plied on her trade. Relying on her intuition, she allowed it to lead her around the trickiest sections of the base, allowing her to circumvent the hardest to deal with traps.

Not to say that she couldn’t deal with just about anything they could conceive to place in her way if she wanted to, rather she simply didn’t have the time to do it in a sufficiently quite manner. She would have to get this over with quickly if she wanted to get the best possible payment. If she was swift enough she could be in and out before anyone noticed that anything was amiss. Sensing a sentry lurking aimlessly around a corner up ahead the Kunoichi leapt up, latching onto the ceiling by concentrating a small amount of chakra into the palms of her hands and feet. Inching forward, crawling almost like a spider she turned the corner and quickly passed the man by completely unnoticed and undetected.

She allowed herself a slight grin as she passed overhead. People rarely look up, focusing only on what is in front of them. It was yet another tool for her to use in order to get ever closer to the man who had proven in the past to be rather elusive pray. Her only failure, he was a man she had already tried to kill twice and gotten away both times. Resolutely she swore that there would not be another. She would end this extended game of cat and mouse this night and redeem herself in one fell swoop.

Moving far enough away to remain undetected she decided to converse her energy by cutting off the flow of chakra and dropped back down the floor, landing as lightly as a feather and continuing on her way unabated, walking through the halls lightly on the balls of her feet to reduce the amount of noise she made to almost nothing. The man she was chasing, was very well known for his love of finery and would be sure to take the biggest, finest room for himself which gave her a slight edge of locating him. Having carefully studied a stolen copy of the buildings blueprints she knew ahead of time when to slow down as she approached the master bed room.

This was now the hardest part. Her target was no ordinary human but rather a Jounin from a rival village. He was considered S rank in her bingo book and would be difficult to approach, let alone finish off. If she made one wrong move now, it would be over as soon as it had begun. Either he would escape again or snap and kill her after finally tiring of her “cute” antics as he called them. Suppressing her chakra so that he wouldn’t sense her, she quietly stepped forward an inch at a time, moving extra cautiously on the off chance that the floorboards she was walking on where particularly creaky or that warning seals had been placed on there underside out of view.

Reaching the door she was surprised to find it alright slightly ajar. Wearily she peaked through the narrow slit and could just barely make out a drooping form on the bed clutching a bottle of sake and snoring heavily. She couldn’t believe what her eyes where telling her and instinctively chose not to. It simply too easy, it had to be a trap of some sorts. Even if it wasn’t a genjutsu which she could see through their where other ways to fake a sleeping form like that. Attacking it would do no more then reveal her presence and position leaving her vulnerable.

Closing her eyes, she reached out with her other senses and could feel the slight presence of her foe sitting quietly further back in the room with his rear turned and his guard down.
He probably had thought that he was safe under his cloaking ninjutsu, but he was wrong as Midori inaudibly snuck up on him one slow step at a time and then once he was in reach she struck like lightning landing a finger on his back, sending a shrug of chakra directly into his heart.

She smiled as he slumped over, knowing that this was the finest piece of work she had ever crafted. An autopsy would make it look as if he passed away from simple cardiac arrest and even the best medical ninja would be hard pressed to tell he had died of unnatural causes. Once she left it would be almost as if she had never even been here, her presence nothing more then an wraith. As she made her way back out of the building completely undetected and her mission complete she smirked thinking to herself that yes truly the deadliest things around are things unseen.
 

Chairman Yang

if he talks about books, you better damn well listen
Here's mine. 999 words exactly according to MS Word, not including the title (if it's somehow more, I'll edit it). I'd greatly appreciate any comments/criticism.

The Things Unseen:

Robert and Charlie sat in a crowded pub, but their booth shielded them from the din.

“And when did you start seeing these…visions?” said Robert.

Charlie’s eyes and his quick, quavering tone betrayed his nervousness. “I didn’t see them. Not exactly.”

“Please explain.” Robert seemed more intent.

“It’s like a sixth sense, or something. I don’t just see the visions, I…feel them.”

“Can you be specific?”

Charlie let out a frustrated sigh. “No, not really. I guess it’s like trying to explain seeing to a blind guy. It’s…this understanding, it overlays everything else.”

“When did you start getting this understanding?”

“I didn’t. I mean, there wasn’t any actual, specific start. It was like a slow realization, you know? Over the past month or so.”

Robert nodded. “And you say you sensed—let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly—old people?”

“Yes. A lot of old people. But not just them. Kids, middle-aged guys, everyone. But mostly old people.”

“I see.” Robert reached into the pocket of his immaculate black suit—and saw Charlie briefly tense up—then retrieved a pen and small notepad. “Mind if I take some notes?”

Charlie chuckled. “Not at all. You know, I didn’t really think you believed me until now. No one bothers writing when they’re just trying to humour you. Except the shrinks, I guess.”

Robert smiled, warmly. “I understand. Could you continue?”

“Sure. So, uh…I sense these mostly old people, and each one is sort of matched to each person I actually see. Like for example, if I see this little girl on the street, I’ll sense this old lady overlaying the little girl. And the old lady looks like the little girl, only older, sort of like the kid’s mother, or something.”

“Go on.” Robert continued to scribble on the notepad.

“And the people I can sense—they’re dead. Or almost dead. Sort of in-between alive and dead, you know? And they’re…wrong. Most of them just seem pale and still, but some of them are bloody, or bloated or really thin, or maybe they’ll be all burned up.”

Robert grunted, then waved to a server. “Charlie…you look like you could use a drink. Want anything? It’s on me.”

“Uh, sure. How about a rum and coke?”

“Bring a bottle. Your best stuff. And I’d like a pint, something Belgian, please.” The server nodded and left.

“Anyways, Charlie. What do you think this sense is telling you?”

“I wasn’t sure at first. Well, at first I questioned my sanity,” chuckled Charlie, “but eventually, as I got used to it, I didn’t really understand why I was sensing these people.
Then something happened. I had a neighbour, Mrs. Jenkins. She lived in the room across from me. Old lady, kept mostly to herself, sweet, baked me cookies sometimes.”

“And you sensed another person…overlayed on Mrs. Jenkins?”

“Yeah. Except, weird thing was—the overlayed person WAS Mrs. Jenkins. Exactly the same, only the overlayed Mrs. Jenkins was sort of bent and twisted.”

“What happened then?”

“Well…”

The drinks arrived then, and Charlie took a long swig directly from the bottle of rum, then starting sipping his mixed drink. His voice became quieter.

“Mrs. Jenkins died a few days later. Her husband was yelling in the hallway. We all stood there in the stairwell, watching Mr. Jenkins hold his wife’s body. I found out later that she fell down the stairs and died almost instantly.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Anyways, after that, it finally hit me. What I couldn’t see, but just knew.”

“What?”

Charlie gulped the rest of his drink and poured another.

“The moment of death. Everyone’s moment of death.”

Robert stopped writing, and simply watched Charlie as he continued.

“So that’s my story. Do I sound crazy yet?”

Robert shook his head. “Not at all. There are others like you. That’s why I called you here.”

Charlie pounded the table with elation. “I KNEW it, goddammit. I’m not crazy! I’m not alone!” Charlie spoke excitedly. “So what happens now? You said earlier you’re with the government, and you can help me understand my condition?”

“Yes.”

“Great. So when can we meet again? I can’t wait to hear more. I can’t wait to meet the others.”

“Actually, Charlie, you’re going to be coming with us.” Robert’s tone was calm and friendly, but Charlie felt something icy grip his heart.

“Uh, I need to go home and get some stuff. Is that okay?”

Robert sighed. “Unfortunately not, Charlie. We can’t take the risk.”

Charlie saw other men in suits hovering near the booth.

“Why are you doing this?”

Robert looked genuinely regretful as he replied. “You’re too valuable, Charlie. Do you have any idea how powerful your talent is?”

“People can know how they’re going to die. So what!”

“How. And when.”

“But they can’t change their deaths, no matter what they do! I know that!”

“Indeed. We’ve confirmed that with the others, over and over. But that’s precisely why your talent is powerful.”

The suited men now surrounded the booth.

“As you say, they can’t change their deaths. That means, until their fated time and manner of demise, they are effectively immortal.”

Charlie’s shoulders slumped. “So I’m going to be a slave, then?”

Robert laughed, again. “In a way. I’m sorry, but you’re far too dangerous to be left to roam free. Please come quietly.”

Charlie’s hand was suddenly holding something, pointed at Robert. A gun. “I’m not coming with you.” He relished the sudden fear registered on Robert’s face.

“Calm down. Shoot me, and my colleagues will take you regardless.”

Charlie’s hand lowered, slightly. “You’re right. You know, I thought you were here to kill me, but now I understand.”

“Of course not, Charlie. Why would you think that?”

“I looked in the mirror a few days ago. Know what I sensed?”

Robert shook his head.

“A great big hole in the back of my head.”

As the agents rushed toward Charlie, he put the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.
 

bjork

Member
248 words, and that's all you're getting because this is a halfassed commitment.

things unseen

The man walks in. He has heard the stories. Upon coming in and looking around for a minute or two, he discovers that the rumors are true. The sequence of facial expressions: a casual glance followed by a double-take, which is then followed by a wide-eyed stare as a smile spreads across their face, only to quickly be covered by a statuesque and blink-free gaze.

He slowly surveys the area, pondering his next move as if were a chess game with his life on the line. A hand slowly raises and he makes a selection. He feels eyes on him. Puts the selection back. Casually looks to the left, then to the right, and feigns interest in another area. When the feeling of being watched has passed, he returns and makes a selection. No, two selections. With a face that screams contentment and/or relief.

But he feels the eyes again. This is his secret, and he wants no one else to know. Perhaps a smokescreen? That's a perfect plan! He plans a decoy selection, which is blindly chosen and placed on top. Then, chest filled with a deep breath and a face filled with slight unease, he heads over to complete the day's quest. "Eighty-six eighteen." He pays and quietly shuffles on out the door.

The day's haul: DiGi Charat Nyo #4, Anal Sanctuary, and Midnight Sleazy Train. gg, fuckface. That old guy drops like $500+ on hentai without blinking, you big vaginal wart. Come again, ho ho ho.
 
Word count: 98

sonnets rul. I've been really into them lately, and I think that petrarchan sonnets were created solely for the purpose of enforcing the rule "don't put the pussy on a pedestal." Rhyme scheme is obviously abbaabba cdecde. Topic is a girl who decided to break up with me to get back together with her old boyfriend. Like the poem above, it's really meant to be spoken. I get off on metered rhyme. This is honestly the only time I indulge in emo shit. The idea is that this character is absolutely kicking himself for having not seen any of the warning signs.

Things Unseen (formerly "I Can't See Shit," formerly "Fuck You, Yurika")

Decisiveness is not her winning suit
And yet it seems so clear to victims keen
This falcon's talons should have been foreseen!
The layers of the heart like skins of fruit.

Such uselessness ill-serves a man's pursuit
Here realized long after the unseen,
Quick manifested by those lips so keen
In tandem with her razor-wire lute.

A dusky blanket spreads as come so clear
The telltale signs all shrieking from the past,
Intangible and bootless, dead portents.

For here is found not victory nor cheer;
He is, through all the secrets she'd amassed,
Resigned again to languid limerence.
 

beelzebozo

Jealous Bastard
i'm calling it "investments" for the time being. word count is 629--it came emotionally full circle, so i think it's best i leave it how it is (though it's obviously just the beginning of a story)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blizzard is not a thing that people experience. It is a thing that people remember.

When the first snowflake falls we see only a single piece—then a pleasant few inches in which sleds can be ridden, then a canceled day of school, then a minor inconvenience when we can’t get the car up the hill that gets us to the mall for shopping. But in remembering that blizzard we see everything with the omniscient eye of looking back, and understand it began with the first snowflake that too oft brings so many friends.

I was young then—younger than I am now, and I can feel my body creaking when I say I don’t feel any older—and we were only three-and-a-half parts of a quintet that would be our family, my youngest brother still in utero and my Dad away, somewhere, working something that put somefood on our table. Our house was only part done, the first floor barely constructed, the second and third just shells.

It was a childhood made of parts: part family, part home, part happy.

I wasn’t sure then where my Dad was—I hear all this second hand, as I was too young to remember it for myself, and whoever tells the tale always leaves this part out like it’s not pertinent—but I know where we were, the three-and-a-half of us huddled in the barely-done basement with insulation still popping from its seams, through the window seeing blizzard but thinking snow snow snow. Justin—he’d seen at least seven Christmases to my four—looked at Mom.

“Cold,” he said.

I hugged myself while she hugged the growing half, warmed it, begged it to stay still. We’d been watching TV when the power went out, and with it the TV, the lights, the heater, the warm. She cocked her head and bit her lip, sought options. She put on her snow boots.

It’s such a primitive thing, really: the young are cold and need fire, mother goes to seek it. Is it not conceivable—likely—that a million years ago a cavewoman with the flushed face and dirty blonde hair of my mother left her own dirty boys huddled under a rock cliff while she went for fire? Science tells us there were no dinosaurs then, but frostbite is real even when we don’t know its name.

Little cave boys seeing blizzard, thinking snow snow snow.

Minutes later there was the kerosene heater from the barn, and my mother’s face and cold blue hands turning knobs and priming bubbles and lighting matches in ways that made the whole process seem magical. My mother’s magic hands made magic fires and we held our hands up to feel it radiate into us for the rest of that day, waited for people we never saw to mend lines and save our two-point-five from winter.

Every family has a moment that makes them a family. Some find it at holidays, at the tragic loss of an expected baby, a car ride that went awry or a house built that was truly “ours.” This blizzard we can only remember was such a thing for us, and it was a story Mom told often, understanding without understanding that it was what made her a mother when before this she only been producer.

That my dad was not there to see it, was left out of this moment, is not his fault, but he can only be considered an unfortunate victim of consequence. He tells the story sometimes, too, though he was hundreds of miles away when we became a family. He always says “we” in the places Mom says “I.”

Though he doesn’t say much, and perhaps doesn’t understand what a profound difference that is.
 

borghe

Loves the Greater Toronto Area
Sitting in the bar after work, Ted was trying hard to forget his hectic day of numbers and spreadsheets. The most peaceful thought in the world at this moment was wondering what the newswoman on the TV looked like without that red top on. The bar was loud enough to drown out her voice, but it didn't matter as long as he was on his stool and not behind a desk. His wife would be expecting him home soon, but he managed to steal at least a few drinks in solitude every night after work.

At this moment, a well dressed gentleman took the next stool. "Scotch please." On the news read the headline '4 Dead In Shooting'. "You'd think with all the crime that goes on, they would put a little extra focus on nicer things every once in a while," the man said. "What's the point of watching the news just to be depressed 30 minutes at a time?" Ted gave a slight smirk. He'd often wondered that same thing, but simply responded with, "I don't know." The man seemed perfectly fine, but Ted just wanted a moment alone with his drink more than anything right now. "I guess." The man seemed determined to have a conversation despite the obvious dismissal. "I mean if all we hear about are shootings and rapes, who's going to tell us about the Siamese twin monkeys born around the world!?!?" Ted laughed. "Yeah, I suppose." "The name's Karl." "Ted." He gave Karl a nod. "Nice to meet you Ted. Sorry for being so talky. I just hate drinking alone. Life is best enjoyed with company." While company is the last thing he wished for right now, he decided to humor Karl's desire for conversation. "I suppose. Although there's something to be said for unwinding in peace and quiet," Ted said, jokingly contesting his defeat.

The usual topics came up over a few more drinks; the weather, the losing sports team and even the newsgirl. "I'd give her something to report on," Karl huffed. He may have been well dressed, but it was obvious he never shook off his frat boy years entirely. Ted complained about being an accountant, while Karl was apparently in marketing. "No matter the shit, we can sell it," he pitched in his best sales voice. Karl complained about his girlfriend "I swear, it's like I can never do enough." "They're like that. They just keep asking for more, and when you give it to them, they take a little bit extra just because," Ted responded. Karl burst out laughing! "EXACTLY!" The conversation meandered for a bit longer before Ted's cell rang. "Hold on. It's the wife." Karl went back to his drink. "Yeah, I'm on my way. Just got caught up for a bit. I'm leaving now." Ted finished his beer. "Well, it's about that time." "I guess so," Karl admitted. "It was good. I didn't completely want to kill you for ruining my 'me time'," Ted joked. "Well, that's great! A real close one there." They both laughed.

They exited the bar together both heading separate directions. On the drive home, Ted's phone buzzed again. "Geez woman, it's only been 5 minutes." Glancing at his phone he saw it wasn't a call but a text. "say hi to kelly for me". The number was unfamiliar, and the reference to his wife unnerved him to say the least. He hit dial. "Ted!! Didn't expect to hear back from you so soon!" It was Karl. What was going on? "How do you know me? How do you know Kelly?" He was now outright shaking. "I've known Kelly for a while Ted. You see, I'm going to kill her. Of course I have to kill you too. I just wanted to introduce myself before I do. You deserved to meet me first." Ted hung up and frantically dialed home. Kelly answered. "Honey, leave the house immediately. Don't ask, just leave!" "Ted, what are you talking about?" "LEAVE NOW!" "Ted, you're scaring me! Please tell me what's going on." She was panicking. "I'm coming up the street now! Come outside and get in the car!"

The house came up and he saw the door opening. Kelly was walking down the driveway. "Ted, what's going on?????" "Get in the car when I pull up," he yelled into the phone. As he approached, a nearby car's lights lit up. He pulled up, and Kelly got in. The other car moved behind. They sped off as the other car followed. "Ted, please tell me what's going on." "I met a guy tonight who I think is trying to kill us. I'm pretty sure he's behind us." "What are you talking about? What man?" "Some guy named Karl. We had drinks at the bar. After we left, I got this." He tossed the phone at her. "Look at the text." As she looked at the phone she said, still shaking, "Oh my god.... It wasn't supposed to happen like this." "What are..? What did you do?", Ted asked now stopped at a light, glancing at Karl still in the car behind them. "Goodbye Ted." The flash from the gun was the last image of Ted's life.

Kelly got out of the car and headed towards Karl's. "You were supposed to kill him and make it look like a robbery," she scolded as she got in. "That was the plan." "I know. I just wanted to meet him before we did it," he confessed. "So what do we do now that you screwed it up?" She was furious. "We can just head back home and call it in like we planned. We'll improvise," Karl suggested. Then it began. "I swear you can't even get the simplest thing right. You constantly leave everything up to me. I am sick of it." She continued to berate him the entire way back. Still, he just drove and smiled, all the while thinking about the little secret he had entrusted to Ted.
 

EBCubs03

Banned
New Architects in an Old World

Hundreds upon hundreds of years ago, happy life in a distant galaxy on a distant planet had mastered space travel. They traveled all across space, but after millions of years, gave up. It was pointless, they all thought. The alien race had never once found another planet with life, and they had all the resources they would ever need within their own galaxy.

So space travel was largely abandoned. But because their society had advanced so much, every inch of their planet was blanketed by massive temples, pyramids, and skyscrapers. Every member of the alien race was an architect. Only to them, architecture wasn’t a career. It was a way to be remembered. So everyone built.

Technology beyond our wildest dreams allowed alien men to create colossal structures with only their own hands and most original ideas. The bigger the structures, the more they would be remembered. The alpha generation thought they had built amazing pyramids, spiral skyscrapers, and helical towers. They were all fools. Generations that followed built bigger. They were remembered more. Generations that followed built bigger. They were remembered more.

As time passed, the earlier generations’ structures began to collapse. Nobody cared. Nobody wanted to do maintenance in a world of building. They dared not remove the ruins. It was an unspoken rule of the alien society not to remove any structures. If they were removed, people would forget their creators. Everyone just wanted to be remembered. So they built around the decaying ruins.

The aliens built so much and so high that their tallest towers reached into space. Each generation felt so proud, so superior to the foolish yesteryear generations. More time passed. More and more structures collapsed into ugly ruins. The ruins were never removed.

Finally, a technological breakthrough promised that no building would ever collapse. Even after the most intense wars, earthquakes, and floods, no building would ever dare destroy itself. More years passed. The newest generations looked at the decaying ruins of generations passed and laughed.

Life was good for most generations. Everyone kept building bigger and bigger. Everyone wanted to be remembered forever. But the generations with their immortal buildings were different. They not only wanted to be remembered, but to know the ultimate truth of existence. They wanted to know the meaning of it all. Why build?

More and more alien men became profoundly depressed. They could never shake the feeling of doom, of pathetic futility. They knew nothing of their own consciousness and nothing of their own purpose. They were well aware that nothing would be remembered forever. Bigger buildings came, and bigger builders went.

So finally, an alien man opted not to build a structure of his own. Instead, he talked. He preached. He told others of his wild ideas. He tried to convince his friends and family that there was a sacred being deep within space. The being could never die, though it was well alive and thought in the same way as the alien men. The being knew all. The being was a witness to everything.

At first no one listened to the man. But as more alien men killed themselves, people began to believe what the man said. A few men built telescopes to search the infinite universe for the immortal being. These men never found the being. Their telescopes could never see past a certain point. But the men who searched for the being found that it made life better. It distracted depression. It fought it off long enough for the men to die peacefully.

They had to be doing something right.

More men built bigger and bigger telescopes. They found nothing. More men built bigger and bigger telescopes. They found nothing. Millions and millions of generations lived and died without finding a thing, as big as their massive telescopes were.

Finally, one day, an alien man built a telescope powerful enough to see into the exact center of the universe, and in microscopic detail, too.

Excitedly, he zoomed into a strange object that was less than one trillionth the size of any bacteria. He saw three letters.

“ETC”
 

Chairman Yang

if he talks about books, you better damn well listen
borghe said:
The house came up and he saw the door opening. Kelly was walking down the driveway. "Ted, what's going on?????" "Get in the car when I pull up," he yelled into the phone. As he approached, a nearby car's lights lit up. He pulled up, and Kelly got in. The other car moved behind. They sped off as the other car followed. "Ted, please tell me what's going on." "I met a guy tonight who I think is trying to kill us. I'm pretty sure he's behind us." "What are you talking about? What man?" "Some guy named Karl. We had drinks at the bar. After we left, I got this." He tossed the phone at her. "Look at the text." As she looked at the phone she said, still shaking, "Oh my god.... It wasn't supposed to happen like this." "What are..? What did you do?", Ted asked now stopped at a light, glancing at Karl still in the car behind them. "Goodbye Ted." The flash from the gun was the last image of Ted's life.

Cool story, but I think my reading comprehension sucks. What happened at the end here? Karl was following them in a different car, then shot Ted at a stop light?
 

nitewulf

Member
Chairman Yang said:
Cool story, but I think my reading comprehension sucks. What happened at the end here? Karl was following them in a different car, then shot Ted at a stop light?
i think so, i think the twist is that his wife hired the hitman.

beelzebozo...that's pretty marvelous.

It was a childhood made of parts: part family, part home, part happy.
pretty.

good to see some good pieces in here. wow.
 
Chairman Yang said:
Cool story, but I think my reading comprehension sucks. What happened at the end here? Karl was following them in a different car, then shot Ted at a stop light?

I thought the wife pulled out a gun and did him in wtih karl still in the other car.

edit: well i guess not she was all shaken up about it.
 

Oldschoolgamer

The physical form of blasphemy
RumpledForeskin said:
I thought the wife pulled out a gun and did him in wtih karl still in the other car.

edit: well i guess not she was all shaken up about it.

Thats what I thought at first, until I read it again. Seems like he was looking in the rear view mirror, saw the flash, and died.

Good stuff so far folks. I can't wait to read some more.
 

borghe

Loves the Greater Toronto Area
Chairman Yang said:
Cool story, but I think my reading comprehension sucks. What happened at the end here? Karl was following them in a different car, then shot Ted at a stop light?
edit - DOH. GODDAMN IT!! It cut off the end. hold on.

edit 2 - weird.. don't know how that happened. Ok, added the last paragraph that somehow got cut off.

edit 3 - for those who already read it, I recommend rereading the whole thing. The last paragraph is the cliche twist, aka brings the whole thing together. I am so pissed that it got cutoff in my original post.
 

AlteredBeast

Fork 'em, Sparky!
Word Count - 989

It might not be as coherent as it was before I chopped over 350 words from this piece. I hope it still makes sense and a mental image is still as sharp as I originally intended.


The Things Unseen

Germs had always bothered Stan. His first memory was of his brother getting tetanus and subsequently dying a few days later. He was too young to feel the sting of losing his brother in that exact moment, but it ended up changing his life forever.

Carl, his younger brother, had been playing outside in what was once a sand box. Much of the sand had either blown away or been kicked out and carried about by the children's shoes. What remained was mostly dirt and errant weeds. Carl was dragging his dump trucks and tractors through the ‘sand box’, enjoying the freedom of childhood and the dirt under his fingernails. Stan was sitting on the veranda, reading and enjoying the late summer afternoon when their mother called both boys in for dinner. Carl reluctantly got up, brushed himself off to avoid carrying off anymore of the precious remaining sand, and started inside. Carl's gaze was fixed on his destination and it caused him to miss the half-buried tractor on the ground. Carl's foot sank deep into the sharp edge of the backhoe and he yelped out in pain. A deep gash with blood caked in dirt and sand ran from his toes to the center of his foot.

Father was still out in the fields working. Stan tried comforting Carl while Mother applied hydrogen peroxide to clean the wound. Carl’s squirming, along with his cries, prevented her from thoroughly cleaning the gape. Fed up and dinner getting cold, she bandaged the foot and served their plates.

Carl didn’t last longer than a week after that. He had gotten tetanus from the wound. He seemed to get sick overnight. His joints and muscles tightened, his back and jaw in spasms, fists clenched tight enough to dig his fingernails deep into his skin. Without a car or telephone, the family could only hope for a miracle.

It never came. Carl died mere days after. His mother always blamed herself for what happened to Carl. She insisted that if she had cleaned the wound and dressed it properly, Carl never would’ve died. She fell into a dark depression and there was nothing that her loving husband could do to help. She died soon after Carl in November of that same year, as she contracted pneumonia and gave herself to the germ, almost willingly in Stan's eyes.

Stan’s father, faced with a dead wife and son, a failing farm, and a young son who seemed as hopeless as the world around him, took a gun to his mouth in February of 1965, three years later.

After Stan found his father in the barn, he ran, although he didn't know from what or towards what. After an hour of hard, senseless running, his legs finally gave out, he bent over and threw up everything his stomach contained. With nothing to vomit, his stomach strained to find a release from the pain Stan felt and continued, very painfully, to dry heave for several minutes. Devoid of any energy at this point, Stan passed out.

He woke up what must’ve been hours later. Remembering quickly where he was and why, he shuffled back home.

From that moment on, Stan lived his life with an almost paranoid hatred of bacteria and viruses. He sold the family farm and lived with an aunt for a few years, generally avoiding social situations of any kind.

He started washing his hands seven or eight time a day, knowing that the parasites lived on everything that he touched. As that became insufficient, he washed them 25-30 times a day until they were dried and cracked open. Until they bled when his fists tightened. If his hand unfortunately grazed something lightly, he would douse hand sanitizer onto the ‘affected area’. It stung as it seeped into the cracks of his chapped skin and he rubbed furiously until the alcohol evaporated.

On his first date, he left the girl in a restaurant after she coughed into her hand. There was no explanation, no excuse, just disgust on his face as he walked away.

Years later, his paranoia had taken over much more than just his hands. He lived in a house painted white. White walls, white ceilings, white tile, plastic-covered white furniture. Everything smelled of bleach. Cleanliness is next to Godliness and he sure as hell wasn't going to see any dirt in his protective bubble.

He lived alone.

Alone meant so much more to him than to the average lonely person. The average loner, he thought, was teeming with parasites. He was alone in the sense that not even the bacteria that destroyed his family could get to him.

That wasn't completely true, though.

He read reports of bacteria being found in superheated geysers at Yellowstone and it frightened him to the point of paying a man to take away his television, his radio, and his telephone. At this point, the outside world only existed to frighten him.

Hand sanitizer, Clorox Bleach, boiling his liquids, nor microwaving his food could ever completely destroy the germs that surrounded him.

He worried, too, about the unseen things becoming seen. Every morning he awoke and noticed his bad breath and white tongue. No matter how many times he brushed his teeth before going to bed, no matter how long he held the Listerine in his mouth, no matter how many times he scalded his tongue with boiling water, he still awoke to see… yes… visibily see the germs accumulating on his tongue. What could he do?

How could he cure himself of this disease-ridden world?

He could only deduce that since he could only kill what he was actually fighting, he should take the fight inward. On the morning of May 4, 1983 Stan Frist successfully rid his body of 99.99% of bacteria after ingesting a half gallon of bleach.


The .01% eventually multiplied and decomposed his body several weeks later.
 

Cyan

Banned
borghe said:
edit - DOH. GODDAMN IT!! It cut off the end. hold on.

edit 2 - weird.. don't know how that happened. Ok, added the last paragraph that somehow got cut off.

edit 3 - for those who already read it, I recommend rereading the whole thing. The last paragraph is the cliche twist, aka brings the whole thing together. I am so pissed that it got cutoff in my original post.
Funny enough, I think it was actually better without the explanatory final paragraph.
 

borghe

Loves the Greater Toronto Area
Cyan said:
Funny enough, I think it was actually better without the explanatory final paragraph.
the purpose of the final paragraph was not to explain, but to reveal the real plot of the story, which was not ted's death. without the final paragraph ted's death comes off as being the focus, which it isn't. the real focus isn't revealed until the end.
 

AlteredBeast

Fork 'em, Sparky!
Updated the first post a bit.

Perhaps we should've made this challenge a week long. :p Two weeks seems like an eternity on GAF. :p

I hope everyone is doing well and getting some writing done. I have enjoyed the submissions so far and hope everyone remembers this thread. :p
 

AlteredBeast

Fork 'em, Sparky!
Yeah, I was personally suprised more by the quickness rather than the quality of the submissions so far. People had some done within the first day it was posted. :p
 

nitewulf

Member
AlteredBeast said:
Yeah, I was personally suprised more by the quickness rather than the quality of the submissions so far. People had some done within the first day it was posted. :p
i didnt write anything for more than a year, and a few stoy lines were running around in my head...i just picked the one that seemed most appropriate for the theme at hand.
 

AlteredBeast

Fork 'em, Sparky!
I hope nobody took that in an accusatory tone, I only meant that I was surprised that guys could pump out good quality material in such a short notice.

I wouldn't accuse anyone of trying to copy and paste previous for the sake of an internet creative writing thread. :)
 

Cyan

Banned
AlteredBeast said:
Yeah, I was personally suprised more by the quickness rather than the quality of the submissions so far. People had some done within the first day it was posted. :p
I think people were just excited by the concept. It probably won't be like that for the next go-round.
 

AlteredBeast

Fork 'em, Sparky!
True, but at the same time, as long as the topics remain interesting (that is to say, I hope this first topic was interesting) I hope that that same enthusiasm continues. :)
 

nitewulf

Member
Cyan said:
I think people were just excited by the concept. It probably won't be like that for the next go-round.
your's was repo man or no? i think it will continue to be good if we do keep the themes interesting and length reasonable, and if we do like once a month or once every two months or so. or whichever format the photography thread has.
 
EBCubs03 said:
New Architects in an Old World

Hundreds upon hundreds of years ago, happy life in a distant galaxy on a distant planet had mastered space travel. They traveled all across space, but after millions of years, gave up. It was pointless, they all thought. The alien race had never once found another planet with life, and they had all the resources they would ever need within their own galaxy.

So space travel was largely abandoned. But because their society had advanced so much, every inch of their planet was blanketed by massive temples, pyramids, and skyscrapers. Every member of the alien race was an architect. Only to them, architecture wasn’t a career. It was a way to be remembered. So everyone built.

Technology beyond our wildest dreams allowed alien men to create colossal structures with only their own hands and most original ideas. The bigger the structures, the more they would be remembered. The alpha generation thought they had built amazing pyramids, spiral skyscrapers, and helical towers. They were all fools. Generations that followed built bigger. They were remembered more. Generations that followed built bigger. They were remembered more.

As time passed, the earlier generations’ structures began to collapse. Nobody cared. Nobody wanted to do maintenance in a world of building. They dared not remove the ruins. It was an unspoken rule of the alien society not to remove any structures. If they were removed, people would forget their creators. Everyone just wanted to be remembered. So they built around the decaying ruins.

The aliens built so much and so high that their tallest towers reached into space. Each generation felt so proud, so superior to the foolish yesteryear generations. More time passed. More and more structures collapsed into ugly ruins. The ruins were never removed.

Finally, a technological breakthrough promised that no building would ever collapse. Even after the most intense wars, earthquakes, and floods, no building would ever dare destroy itself. More years passed. The newest generations looked at the decaying ruins of generations passed and laughed.

Life was good for most generations. Everyone kept building bigger and bigger. Everyone wanted to be remembered forever. But the generations with their immortal buildings were different. They not only wanted to be remembered, but to know the ultimate truth of existence. They wanted to know the meaning of it all. Why build?

More and more alien men became profoundly depressed. They could never shake the feeling of doom, of pathetic futility. They knew nothing of their own consciousness and nothing of their own purpose. They were well aware that nothing would be remembered forever. Bigger buildings came, and bigger builders went.

So finally, an alien man opted not to build a structure of his own. Instead, he talked. He preached. He told others of his wild ideas. He tried to convince his friends and family that there was a sacred being deep within space. The being could never die, though it was well alive and thought in the same way as the alien men. The being knew all. The being was a witness to everything.

At first no one listened to the man. But as more alien men killed themselves, people began to believe what the man said. A few men built telescopes to search the infinite universe for the immortal being. These men never found the being. Their telescopes could never see past a certain point. But the men who searched for the being found that it made life better. It distracted depression. It fought it off long enough for the men to die peacefully.

They had to be doing something right.

More men built bigger and bigger telescopes. They found nothing. More men built bigger and bigger telescopes. They found nothing. Millions and millions of generations lived and died without finding a thing, as big as their massive telescopes were.

Finally, one day, an alien man built a telescope powerful enough to see into the exact center of the universe, and in microscopic detail, too.

Excitedly, he zoomed into a strange object that was less than one trillionth the size of any bacteria. He saw three letters.

“ETC”

Wow, that was really good
 

AlteredBeast

Fork 'em, Sparky!
That was really captivating, but maybe I am a bit dense, but is the significance of ETC at the end of your stuff really enjoyed that, personally. :)
 

Aaron

Member
Anything not written is left to the reader's imagination.

Emissary
word count: 992

Dread is the slowest of poisons. It passes through our skin and seeps into our veins, moment by moment, day by day, until we begin to ache from our own lack of understanding.

"Do we need to venture further?" one of my last remaining companions breaks the silence, disturbed only by the scuff of boots over weed-covered stone. No vermin lurk in the shadows of these crumbled buildings. No birds make their homes in the high towers still standing overhead. The city is still.

There was no great cataclysm or brutal war that drove people from Talsem. It was a chill feeling that hung in the air even at the height of summer, where the night lingered too long, and the sun was too slow in rising. It was half-heard whispers among the crowded streets, and the sounds of restless animals at night, until, gradually, neither man nor animal remained.

"We do," I answer in a voice dry and cracked from age, returning to the long, winding streets of my youth. The gleaming bronze shields, whose emblems once marked the districts, are tarnished and half obscured by wild vines, but I know the way. The roads flow up these many splendid terraces, all cracked and broken as pale flowers intrude where there had been nothing but stone and earth before.

Out of a dozen members of this expedition, only we three remain. The rest turned away with vague excuses on their lips and shifting eyes, expecting something to lunge out from the dark and swallow them whole if they dared to linger. The final member of our reduced group bears the marks of youth and keeps his silence, gazing thoughtfully at greenery that has no place clinging to these ruined walls carved by men.

Scents become sweeter and denser as we travel further into the heart of the forsaken city, but this isn't for us. Insects begin to emerge, littering the air in the form of small, near silent clouds. What their curious hive minds must think to see three sun-beaten mammals return after this half century I can not guess, but they give us a wide berth, fragile and fearful of warm-blooded beasts.

"These trees bear no fruit," our thoughtful companion observes. He has not breathed much more than a few terse words since this long trek began, through a wasteland of overgrown roads and abandoned villages; though a thousand, dust-covered dreams.

Slender trunks had burst through the pavement in the few places the sun could caress their broad leaves, though it had been centuries uncounted since the last trees had stood in these well traveled places. Around us, the vegetation is growing bolder, with the long grass underfoot dominating the road stones, while vines hang thick as sheets of knotted wool, strung with more sickly sweet flowers.

"There's nothing here to feast on fruit. Even the rats are all gone," our nervous companion remarks, his voice turning troubled, as all the others had moments before they turned their heads away, and returned to the lands they called home. Yet having come so far, he can't bear to avert his eyes.

The high bronze gates of the palace have fallen, their tarnished emerald hue nearly lost among the bed of weeds that weave through linked rings and six-pointed stars. The courtyard, once vibrant with painted stone and milling crowds, stands as thick as a forest, where weeds tangle underfoot and slender trees rise up to support the ever present vines. The scent becomes potent enough to taste in our mouths, bitter and unwelcome. A clear path lays before us, to the yawning archway that reveals only darkness, set under the gleaming bronze dome, like the sun fallen to earth.

"Not all gone," I reassure him through my own sense of unease, walking through the courtyard even as the sounds of my footsteps are hushed to nothing by the soft bed of nature.

Great columns once carried the story of life, with humans emerging from the ground and building towers up to the heavens, from where our souls would ascend in death. Now they lay in pieces across the tiled floor. Other supports have taken their place. Trees stand as giant wardens, vast trunks bearing the wrinkles of old men and leaves of dazzling shades, subdued under windows screened by nets of clinging vines. We are left in shadow.

The wood that had formed the interior of the palace has rotted away, leaving behind one vast open space where a shaft of sunlight from the jagged crack in the dome pours down upon a sheltered grove. Here the trees appear as wise and ancient masters, gathered close in conference, while their disciples bow groveling to the floor and walls, leaving not a hint of unholy stone.

Dread is what we unbelievers feel as we pass underneath these boughs. All is silent save for the sharp snap of brittle bones breaking underneath our feet, hidden by the undergrowth that clings and curls around our ankles. As we stand surrounded, the air is heavy with the sense of an unseen presence; of inhuman wisdom and hostile intent, bearing the patience of an emperor.

With tender reverence, I carefully unwrap the heavy bundle that I have borne these long leagues, allowing light to fall upon a simple iron axe, taken as part of the exodus from Talsem a half century before. With what strength remains in my feeble arms, I raise it high overhead to bury the dull blade in the ground, at the foot of the largest and most loathsome of these trees.

"What is yours will be ours again. One day, we will return."

Our duty done, we turn our backs to our enemies. A slow rumble builds from beneath our feet. The others cry out in panic, heading for the sunlight, but I know there's no point in running. I behold nothing but darkness as it rises up to swallow us whole.
 

AlteredBeast

Fork 'em, Sparky!
I love the detail. Really floods my mind's eye with dark shades green and broken up and broken down civilization. Nicely done.
 

Aaron

Member
AlteredBeast said:
I love the detail. Really floods my mind's eye with dark shades green and broken up and broken down civilization. Nicely done.
Thanks. I have a minor phobia about germs, so it was a bit hard for me to read your story, but overall I thought it was a well constructed narrative needing a clearer voice. I don't mean it needs to be shifted into first person or anything, but the tone is dry to the point it robs some of the events of their impact. I'd suggest instead of trying to cover everything, highlight the more important moments and build on them, forming scenes that would carry greater weight.
 

AlteredBeast

Fork 'em, Sparky!
Aaron said:
Thanks. I have a minor phobia about germs, so it was a bit hard for me to read your story, but overall I thought it was a well constructed narrative needing a clearer voice. I don't mean it needs to be shifted into first person or anything, but the tone is dry to the point it robs some of the events of their impact. I'd suggest instead of trying to cover everything, highlight the more important moments and build on them, forming scenes that would carry greater weight.

So hard to do in under a thousand words :( It seemed more coherent to me when it was longer, and without word count restraints, I believe I could make it the story that it could be, but, I could definitely say that some parts need polish.

The end is intended to be as sterile, direct, and unemotional (from the narrator's part) as it is read. I appreciate the criticism, though and agree that focusing on the more important details would provide more catharsis, but at the same, I needed to show the reader why this man hated and feared germs with such a passion.


On your story, although deliberately devoid of specifics regarding their mission, the cause for destruction, and what caused such fear in their ex-companions, I would've liked to see the ending magnified. The journey is definitely the focus in your narrative, but I feel like more about their direct purpose and the efficacy of their mission could've resulted in something a bit more...exciting, I guess.
 

Aaron

Member
The ending and the manner it was presented was effective, though I thought yours needed to be a little more focused leading up to it. As for my ending, it suffered the same problem with the length limitation, and there wasn't really anything in the body that I was willing to sacrifice to make up for it. That's the rub of 1000 words. You really can't have a composed narrative, a clear plot, developed characters, and intrinsic details all in such a brief length without something suffering. Fun excercise though.
 
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